...than to think that letting go of church would be easy...
So much for my last post! But this is my continuing journey, so here goes...
As mentioned, the first three weeks were been rejuvenating. I attended a Relief Society service project the Saturday after my first absence. It was comfortable and I enjoyed being there.
The kids have gone to church every week (to their classes but not to Sacrament meeting). They continue to attend Scouts and Young Women activities, including Stake Temple day and baptisms for the dead this past Saturday afternoon. It has all been their choice to do so.
I went to a birthday social at the Relief Society president's house Tuesday night. Again, comfortable and fun, but even after only 3 weeks I realized how much I missed being in the loop, and found out that I missed the call of a new primary presidency, new young men's presidency, and who knows what other major changes.
I realized at the social how much I enjoy being with (most of) the people and miss seeing them every week. But I don't miss the lessons, the teachers' interpretations and the comments from class members. I don't miss running into the Stake President or former Bishop or a certain Relief Society teacher. I don't miss the panic attacks, and the frequent crying episodes on Sundays. I have enjoyed reading and pondering the lessons on my own. But still, I began to wonder if maybe I won't stay away as long as I thought. Maybe at least start going to Sacrament meeting so that my kids will go too.
Well, yesterday the kids didn't want to go at all. We watched Testaments, which ended up being kind of cool since our recent family scripture study has been in 3rd Nephi.
But I was kind of unsettled all day. Scott and I have spent Sundays hanging out and talking. This time was different, and I'm not sure why, other than the kids being around and us all being tired and lazy from the party the night before. I guess I have some other ideas too, but I don't feel I should mention them here.
As I wrote most of this last night, I was sitting in the chapel at "new beginnings", a church young woman thing that happens toward the beginning of each year. There is nothing that should bother me, just teenage girls giving talks on the young women values and relating them to real-women-examples of those values. But there I was, unsettled as usual as I realized that I am in a different place in my life than I ever would have expected to be when I was my daughter's age. And then there is the constant reminder of the "recommend," and the bishop speaking of how the main purpose of the Young Women program is to help them prepare to go to the temple.
It did that for me, but now look at me. I found out again this weekend just how inconsistent local leaders are. A friend of ours mentioned another friend that is in a monogomous gay relationship, and his bishop lets him keep his recommend because he is faithful to his partner. A friend's mother's Bishop told her to love her son, support and rejoice in his engagement and upcoming marriage to another man.
And then there is Scott and I, Scott being denied his recommend as he is asked "but do you ever fantasize about men?" And me, me being denied because I went to one affirmation conference, because I told the Stake President that if I had to choose between supporting my gay friends and getting my temple recommend renewed, that I would choose my friends.
And when we appeal to a general authority we are told to "listen to our wise and inspired stake president."
Does anyone else think it is all so F'd up?
And so I thought I let go, and I started thinking I was ready to start heading back for the sake of my children, for seeing my friends, for being in the loop.
But then I realize how bitter and hurt I still am, and I have no idea what the hell to do.
And the Stake President is confused why 30 seconds in his office a month ago could be "torture."
Oh, God. Please help me. Please help me let go and be perfectly okay with never going back, chopping all ties for me and my children, or help me forgive and forget so that I can go back. Help me figure out what I need to do for my children, for myself, for my marriage, for our eternal salvation.
When will this nightmare be over?
4 weeks ago