Sunday, September 18, 2011

Awesome Videos

My posts have been so down lately. Time to share some uplifting and amazing stuff!

First of all, great videos from the Equality Utah Allies Dinner. It was exciting to go see one of my students/GSA club officers receive a scholarship from Equality Utah. (I volunteered so that I could get in!)

Then, a link to a new movement, a new group of friends and family coming together in courage and love. Check it out (along with another fabulous video) at

Finally, just a reminder of some great resources at called the "Family Acceptance Project". The video there is one I believe EVERYONE should be required to watch.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Stop the world so I can get off...

(You will need to read the other post before you read this one, for it to make more sense.)

My sister called today. She chit-chatted a bit, telling me they had accidently taken home one of my utensils in their salad when they came over for dinner on Labor Day. Then she got to the point of her call.... Dad called her yesterday. He is worried. The kids are old enough to make their own decisions about church...

What the F?

Yes, I know. Where did this all come from. Let's go back to Saturday morning...

I was out shopping, pretty early. Picking up produce from a community co-op, getting a hair cut and then doing some needed shopping at Costco at the beginning of a very over-scheduled day.

As I was driving home, I got a text from a number not in my phone book:

"Tried you a couple of times. Have not canceled your recommend. Would like to try one more time to talk. Would like you to not use it though until we meet. Thnx."
 Me: Bishop? You've tried calling? When? Are you kidding me? Not meeting. I will bring it to you tomorrow. You can have it.

"Tried this morning and tried to catch you the other night. Not what I want but following what I feel, Sarah. I love and care about you and your family."

Me: K. Do what you need to do. I've had it with this church and its Christ-like followers.

I pulled in the garage from my shopping and called Scott to cry on his shoulder. Then I went inside where my daughter apologized. The bishop had called twice so she finally, reluctantly gave him my cell number, knowing that the result would not be plesant. I unloaded my purchases, and then had to leave to pick up another child from a slumber party. On my way, I stopped at the bishop's house and gave my recommend to his grown daughter that answered the door. I said simply, "Give this to your dad.", then turned and took off back to my car.

Here's the thing...
I haven't heard anything for like 3 weeks, and suddenly on Stake Temple day, he is desperate to get in touch with me to tell me not to use my recommend? What about all the times I used it in the 3 weeks? Wouldn't he care about that too, or is it all about appearances? I think he was afraid that someone (read: the person who is my facebook friend and "told" on me) will see me at the temple and then disapprove of the fact that he has allowed me to still have my recommend. Because it was a busy day, with a soccer game and the teenagers doing temple baptisms in the afternoon, I could not figure out a way to make it to the temple myself. But at one point I was planning to go.  I'm glad the whole thing ended up not shattering any elaborate plans...

The kids decided not to do baptisms (my daughter discovered her recommend was expired), but they did want to go to church the next day. So even though I was planning on Saturday to take a break on Sunday, I got up and got everyone ready and off we went. I took my son over to the church first so that he would be on time to pass the Sacrament. When we arrived back at the church with the rest of us, the Sacrament was nearly over, so we soon snuck into the back.  Right after sitting down, the program commenced, and the first speaker announced that she had been assigned to talk about "following the prophet."

You've got to be kidding, right?

I turned to my daughter, said I can't do this, then waded back through the people in the overflow area with all my bags and 3 kids in tow, leaving the oldest two as they desired.

We went in the foyer and sat on the couch, but I could still hear the talk, so that wasn't going to work.

So, we went home.

30 minutes later I took two of the kids back to the church so they could practice for the Primary Program (which is in two weeks, with Stake Conference in between). I returned home and spent a lovely 2 hours with my baby, playing and snuggling and napping.

Then, for the 4th time, I returned to the church to pick up the kids, delivering my oldest son and a friend to another area of the neighborhood to do fast offering call-backs prior to returning home.


Sorry for yelling.

You see, the thing is, I called my mom Sunday afternoon, and after I told her about my recommend, I also mentioned that I didn't think I could handle going to church any more, and she started lecturing me about how my kids needed the church to teach them values and such, and so I told her I wasn't in the mood for a lecture and that our conversation needed to be over.

I was even thinking of calling my parents today for the typical chit-chat with them every couple of days. But before I had done so, my sister called, and I was so depressed and furious over the whole thing that there is no way I think I can talk to them for a few days. I don't know if my mom misunderstood me, or if my dad misinterpreted what my mom told him, but of course the kids have a choice. Anyone who knows me would know that I would not keep that agency from my children. Do they all think I've turned into some kind of monster, these people who have known me all my life?

Who knows. Maybe I have. And with each stupid thing like this that happens, I want more and more to be done with this life. I could not kill myself, but I certainly wish I was dead more and more frequently all of the time. Bring on the hell I deserve, sooner than later, because it certainly can't be any worse than the hell I am experiencing daily here on Earth.


Sunday, September 4, 2011

Trouble with an F that stands for Facebook

(I wrote this Sept. 4th during Sunday School, but I didn't post it until September 14th. Just an fyi about my changing the date on the post.)

A few weeks ago, my last post was about "separation", myself from some elements of the church, and Scott from his family. Instead of venting my views on gay marriage in Relief Society, I walked out and  vented on Facebook. Just a reminder of what I wrote:

"I have to say what I couldn't say in Relief Society. (Instead I walked out.) In my heart I know that my gay friends' marriages are approved by God. I've been in attendance at them and the feeling of happiness and hope was similar to attending a temple marriage. I don't give a sh* what the effin prophets say."

The following week, I was called into an appointment with the bishop. The topic: my Facebook vent. People in the ward are offended and concerned. The bishop thanked me for not saying it in Relief Society, and was also comforted when I explained that the only children on Facebook that can see my posts are my own children. He wanted to know why I posted that kind of thing. As I told him that I cannot be quiet on the gay marriage issue, he just continued to ask why. I left his office saying, "take my temple recommend. Excommunicate me. But I will not be quiet on this issue."

I went home and posted on Facebook about being in trouble with the bishop. Comments of comfort came from many of my friends. Then came a message from a ward friend who has since moved away. His comment made me feel like filth, pure evil. It sunk me into a fit of depression and self deprecation, making the afternoon of my first day of teaching school very difficult:

I considered letting your bishop know, but decided I'd talk to you before I did and never got around to it. You dissed the Prophet in public. I can't see how you can keep a temple recommend in good conscience after doing so. It doesn't matter what terms you used or if you used actual swear words. Your beliefs are your beliefs, however you come by them and I'll say nothing against that. Indeed, having the courage of your convictions is an honorable thing to strive for.

But temples are owned and operated by an organization pledged to honor and support the prophets. Even if you doubt their sacred nature, you should, at a minimum, respect the owners of the place enough to honor the rules of entry. Those rules are simple enough, but include support of the prophet as a basic and fundamental requirement. That's a requirement you no longer fit under any reasonable definition.

I'm sorry if it hurts to hear that. Feel free to unfriend me if you wish. But, like you, I believe in having the courage of your convictions, even in public, and even if the price is dear.

Later, gay friends attacked this friend. It was well-intentioned, but made me uncomfortable. I made this last response, then deleted the whole thread so that the bashing would stop.

 Thank you both for your honesty. I've put some privacy restrictions in force so that people can't see what I post, unless I want them to. I needed a place to be uncensored that day, without restraint. I realized that my comment would come across to many as offensive, but I did not mean it the way it sounds. The expletives ended up in a place of disrespect, and I'm maybe 10% sorry for that, but I still chose to do it because it was venting amongst friends, friends that know me, know my testimony, and know that I was just voicing my frustration over words from a manual (aka "prophets" is what I used). It does not mean that I do not respect and view prophets as such. It just reflects my view that leaders of the church are not perfect and do not always speak for god. If the bishop  asks me for my recommend, or "deactivates" the bar code or whatever, I will understand. But if it is up to me to give it up, then I won't, because I know what is in my heart and what my words meant and I do not feel that it makes me any less worthy than temple recommend holders who judge me harshly for my words on a semi-private forum.
The friend, however, assumed I only blocked him so that he could not see the ensuing conversation bashing him. The next day, as I was driving to an appointment with my therapist, this former ward member sent me a scathing private Facebook message, then unfriended me. It made me very sad, and I was calmed by later chatting with his wife.

Meanwhile, following a letter than Scott sent his family, one of his family members decided to unfriend us both on Facebook. I sent this person a message to try to understand the situation better, and I didn't hear back. So a week or so later, I text messaged the person to see if they received my other message, to which the answer was yes, but they wanted to talk instead of message. Dang. This was not one of those times that I wanted to talk in person, but I said okay, although that I wasn't strong enough emotionally to discuss it right then.

A couple of weeks passed, and even though I still didn't feel like discussing it over the phone, I really felt like we needed to resolve it. So Saturday night I contacted the person and we decided to talk Sunday morning during my Sunday school class because our church schedules conflicted. This was the same Sunday that later in the day I was called into the bishop's office for my Facebook status the previous week.

So we talked, and the person explained that they unfriended us because they were tired of the drama, and that they felt if the tables were turned, that Scott and I would not have been able to handle and accept any more than they have been able. Upon further discussion of trying to understand each other, I became very emotional, as I was afraid I would, and so let them know that I needed to end the conversation, and we parted the phone call amicably.

But I was no longer in the mood to endure my last church meeting, especially a lesson on eternal families. So after I played the opening hymn, I left Relief Society and sat in the hall, half listening, half chatting with a gay friend that has moved away.

So then later, after talking to the bishop, I was frustrated with my ward Facebook friends, and frustrated with Facebook in general, and for some reason I decided to post that if anyone had seen me upset at church, it was because of a conversation with someone in Scott's family, and not because of them at that point.

So then, the next day, I was recovering from the first day of school and depression from the Facebook comment mentioned at the beginning of this post, when I received a text from the family member I had spoken to the day before, chewing me out for mentioning it on Facebook, because now other members of the family were asking questions. That was enough to sink me into a state of insanity during which I could not stop crying and I wished I was dead. The children freaked out too, obviously, at the sight of my fit, and contacted Scott to come help.

I found out a few days later, that my daughter sent some angry messages to this family about accepting Scott. She was concerned about me and needed to vent, but of course that brought on more harm than good.

Since then, all has been quiet. Other than a few chats with a couple of Scott's sisters that have reached out in concern for me, I have not really talked to his family, nor them to me. I need a break from them for a while, and probably vice versa. I have tried to be more polite on Facebook, and have considered getting rid of it completely from my life. Meanwhile, I continue to attend church, but I can see repurcussions of what happened a couple of weeks ago with the children, as they seem to have less desire to be involved with church and extended family.