Friday, December 24, 2010

Tough night...tough life

It was supposed to be glorious. My son, of everyone, was most excited for me to have my recommend.

So we made plans. Temple across the valley from our home where Scott's parents work in the baptistry. Joseph Smith's birthday, the Christmas season upon us. Done with school yesterday, fun shopping with son to buy him a new suit this morning, massage this afternoon, perfect ending to a pretty good day. My sister and her kids joining us for the adventure.

Then...there's the traffic of last minute shoppers and it's dark and i don't know where I'm going. The fog thickens as we climb elevation, the windshield either speckled with moisture or streaked from the wipers and impossible to see through. Finally, we arrive in one piece. And then...

I forgot to check the date on my son's recommend. It is his first recommend--he's not ever had to think about expiration dates. What 13-year-old does? And it was in my possession--he didn't even have it if he did know to think about checking the date.

It expired at the end of November.

And I have no one to blame but myself.

At least he looks amazing in his new clothes, clear down to his shoes. And I've already made an appointment for him for a new recommend on Sunday. (Got in trouble with the temple worker at the desk for using my cell phone to call the executive secretary.)


And then my tears start to fall, and fall, and don't stop. Why didn't the spirit remind me about the expiration date? It didn't even enter my head? Why don't I feel peaceful and calm now that I'm here? Isn't that how I'm supposed to feel at the temple? I should be able to handle this with grace. I'm stronger than this. It is totally my own fault--not the temple workers' for enforcing the rules. But why do I feel resentment toward them? Why do I just want to swear? Why do I hate that they smile as they explain to my son that they are sorry, but there are no exceptions? Why am I so uncomfortable here, like I don't belong here, like I'm not good enough.

And then...why me? It was supposed to be for family. Why did all this have to happen, with Scott not here to comfort me, the one to drive through the fog or the one to remember to check on the expiration date?

And now I lay here in my bed hours later.

And I continue to cry. Scott agreed to take the baby for the night so I can try to get some sleep for once. He is a good man, a good friend and dad. He treats me like he loves me, and I know he does. My pain becomes his pain, but that doesn't change who he is--doesn't change his ability to be something he's not and believe or feel things that he doesn't.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

God's wisdom

I've always wondered about a main element in the history of the world in the church. Every time I have attended the temple, I have wondered...

If obedience is so important, then why did God command Adam and Eve to NOT eat of the fruit, but then their transgression was essential for the rest of us in the plan of salvation. Why would he give them a commandment that they were required to disobey?

In the book of Mormon, we read:

24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things. (2 Nephi chapter 2).

A girl in my ward who recently returned from a mission bore her testimony today, focusing on this scripture, and how it is her favorite (and was throughout her mission) because it tells us we don't need to worry. God is in charge, and as long as we do the best we can, things will work out.

Her words touched my heart, both for my own life and for the future of the church.

I know many, many people who have recently resigned from the church because of the gay issue.

But I have faith that God knows what he is doing, and that all will be made right.

Look at this...

I read the scriptures before and after verse 24.

22 And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.
23 And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.
24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.
25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy. 

So, is the "fall" of so many individuals right now also part of God's plan? Is it His wisdom to let these things happen so that men, all men (and women) regardless of their sexual orientation, might have joy?

Lots to ponder. The spirit was strong in my mind and heart today, filling me with faith and prompting me to share my own testimony with my children, that I do know the gospel is true, and that I know Heavenly Father is wise and has allowed things to happen and that everything will be right and good.

And so I keep doing the best I can, allowing my faith to grow every time the spirit touches my heart like this. It helps me get through the tough still needing to face the stake president to get my temple recommend signed. :)