Consider the Children

(Note: I've included a couple of photos of our children thriving with our gay friends. Openness and honesty is what we've been all about with our family through this change, and it has been wonderful for all involved!)

Last weekend a birthday party for February birthdays in Scott's family, including his down-syndrome brother, was held at his parent's house.

Other than his parents coming to parts of the Mormon Stories conference in November, Christmas Eve dinner, lunch with his little sister, and a funeral for his step-mother's brother earlier this month, he has not associated with his family since July of last year.

I was actually really glad he came to the funeral, because while there his sister asked him about the guy he's dating, whom she had noticed status updates about on Facebook. She has come a long way in truly loving and showing interest in him without restraint.

Anyway, when his mom invited him to the party, he asked if he could bring a date. She told him she would talk to his dad and get back to him. The answer came that others in the family were not yet ready for that step and so while he was welcome, and even urged to come, he was not yet permitted to bring a date, so he informed them he would not be coming to any family events until that was permitted. (Side note: if it is really that big of deal, why can't they just let Scott say "this is my friend?" for now? We've had friends with us at family parties before. I think Scott and his friend would be willing to keep PDA to a minimum while the family just got to know the friend for a few months first. Give it a chance! Compromise! Jeez!)


Last summer he sent a letter to his family, informing them that he would not associate with them until they were ready to accept him completely. It was sparked in part because of his brother that was in town at the time. I didn't want to go to a family party and have the out-of-town family asking where Scott was. So Scott's dad asked them to tell their children that were are divorcing. They did so, and the 10 and 14 year old girls asked why, to which they lied and said "We don't know."

While I realize that parents have the rights to what they want their children to learn at certain ages, the whole thing infuriated Scott and I at the time. And it still does, just thinking about it.

Well, the problem continues, and not even the local siblings are ready for that step, because they don't want to tell their children. I'm sorry--but they are never going to be "ready" for that step until they are willing to jump right in. Maybe they are waiting until their children are grown, which means when uncle Scott is actually willing to come back into their lives because they now know all about him, they will no longer even remember that he ever existed, or they will be so jilted against him because of their upbringing in the church, that they won't want anything to do with him anyway.

Scott's parents took me to dinner last night to talk and to celebrate my birthday (which was over a month ago). Scott's dad feels like he is being as accepting as he can possibly be with Scott, and that he is not capable of changing the fact that he believes some of the things Scott is doing are wrong. I told him that Scott's response to that would be that he is gay and cannot biologically change that, but their beliefs against same-sex relations are just that--beliefs--and so the comparison is flawed. Anyway, Scott's parents have no idea what to do, because they want Scott back in their lives, but they are not willing to step on the toes of the other siblings that refuse to let Scott bring any appearance of a same-sex relationship around their children--probably because they agree with those parents.

Scott's dad also expressed to me that because it is the siblings' rights as parents to decide what is best for their children, that I (and Scott) have no right to be angry with them. That made me angry! I have not crossed the line and told any of their children things that they don't want them to know, but I should not be angry? How do I control whether or not I am angry? I understand that it is their right, but it is not one I agree with, and I am angry about it, and that is that.

I was talking about all of this with Scott last night and then with a good friend of mine in the ward this morning. Scott was grateful for the information about my discussion with his parents, because it solidifies his belief that he cannot handle a relationship with his family right now. His parents are willing to do what the siblings want, but not what Scott wants. So they need to realize that the consequence of that decision means not having a relationship with Scott.

As for the children, wow. I just get so frustrated. I know one of my sister-in-laws tried turning it on me a few months ago, saying that what if the tables were turned and we were still the TBM (True-Believing Mormons) and they were the ones that suddenly and drastically changed their views on gay rights and wanted us to accept them. Would we? I told her I could not answer that question, that I had no idea, but I hoped that I would have been willing to listen to their viewpoints and give them a chance, stepping outside my Mormon box and think for once. In fact, that is exactly what I did when Scott came out to me.  Why wouldn't I have done the same thing if it was one of them instead? I love them--and if this is important to them, then I would have tried. I really think I would.

Anyway, this morning my friend made the comment that in the church we have things that are "sacred" and because they are "sacred", we tend to also keep them secret. So children have a hard time differentiating between sacred and secret, and when parents have a secret, suddenly that is what the children want to know about the very most! What happens, then, is in families where things are not talked about, the children seem to be more likely to experiment with this secret that their parents won't talk to them about.We hear radio ads about this very thing--talking to our children about drugs and alcohol is the best thing we can do to keep them from experimenting with it. Wouldn't the same thing go for sex and homosexuality?

Another thing is that so many people have the misconception that talking to children about what it means to be a homosexual means that they also have to teach their children about sex. Hogwash! The kids came from parents that had sex to get them here, and yet that is not discussed until the kids are ready. Why does telling children that two men or two women love each other immediately mean that they have to teach their children about sex, and a particular kind of sex that the parents are very uncomfortable with and know very little about? Children know what love is, they thrive on love! There is no need to include sex to talk about love and acceptance to children. My concern with families, like our next-door neighbors and Scott's TBM siblings, where they don't talk about that stuff, is that even if they don't talk about it at home, they hear it at school, in the paper, on the news, etc. And if they try to ask questions and their parents just say "we don't talk about that" then it can only make them feel like something is wrong with it, and they will grow into adults that shun and judge others because of it. Or worse yet, if they are gay, they will grow up hating themselves and the damaging cycle with families and homeless youth and suicides continues!

I believe that when Scott's siblings are finally able to tell their children, that a couple of things could happen: the children could be disgusted and judgmental because that is how they've been taught to be, simply because their parents did not discuss it with them, and will want nothing to do with Uncle Scott. Or maybe the children will be angry with their parents for not telling them sooner, thus causing further rifts within their families.

Thank you Mormon church, for helping families break up in so many pieces, for generations yet to come, over this issue! Voting against same-sex marriage is so supportive of and preserving traditional families, right? Like hell, it is.

And you have no idea how close I am to telling all of the children exactly what is going on since their parents won't. What's the worse that will happen? The parents will no longer associate with me. At the moment I don't really want to associate with them anyway, so who gives a rat's ass? I guess the only thing that holds me back is the association that my children have--and crave--with their cousins. And I can't hurt my children like that, even though I think it would be for the best.

Sigh.

Conquering the Bullies

Sitting in the car, writing a text before I start to drive away from a neighbor's house where I've dropped off a child from an activity at the church.

My middle child (the only one in the car at the time) says "I'm bored."

I tell him I was going to take him shopping. Does he want to do that or go home?

No answer.

"Oh, sorry. I'm trying to write a sentence", he says, "with the word 'bored' and words leading up to it so that each word is one letter more than the last. So far I have 'I am (blank) (blank) bored.'"

I start offering suggestions. As we drive to the store, we come up with "I am the very bored _______ (a version of his name with 6 letters.)

Then we start trying to figure out if we can think of another word to put after his name that has seven letters. Nothing makes sense, until he says the sentence with the seven-letter word being the last name of his best friend. But then he says something about that is not his name.

I reflexively said "It could be if you married your friend someday."

He looked a little awkward, and then started to say "actually some of the mean kids at school say stuff like that since my friend and I are always together." Then he told me about some stuff his teacher talked about, about not being mean. She used the example that someone might say to her, "You are fat, but don't take it personally." Just because it might be true, doesn't mean it is okay to say, she told them.

I tried to ask the child more about what the mean friends say. After all, I am the GSA adviser at my school, and bullying is a big deal to me. In fact, I was asked if I would talk at a PFLAG meeting in a neighboring county about Gay-Straight Alliances and bullying in schools, so it was kind of on my mind today.

Now my child looked really awkward and wouldn't tell me, instead he started running off down an aisle of the store with the cart. Then he found pistachios and begged me to buy them for him. First I said no, then I said, "If you tell me what the mean kids say."

"The mean kids say things like that word you said earlier."

"Marriage?"

"Sort of."

"So not exactly marriage? What exactly?"

"There are too many people around that might hear."

We wander the store, finishing our shopping, looking a the price of a video game he wants. Finally, when we are in a part of a store where there are not many people, I ask him again, reminding him of the pistachios.

He finally spells silently on his lips the word "L-O-V-E"

"So the mean kids tell you and your friend that you are in love?"

"Yes."

"Does that bother you?"

He nods.

"Does it bother your friend?"

"No, he just ignores them."

"Does your teacher know what the mean kids say to you? I won't tell her..."

"No."

"So she wasn't talking about not saying mean stuff because of mean things said to you and your friend?"

"No."

Later in the car...

"When the teacher was talking about not saying things that are mean, my friend spoke up and said that he likes to laugh when someone says something mean. That way, if they are trying to make him feel bad, laughing makes them think they've failed at their goal. But it also keeps him from feeling bad and getting upset."

"That sounds like a good plan."



I wish I could shelter him from this mean world. Children always tease each other about being in "love", but because of the society and culture we live in, it is obviously a little more awkward when the teasing is about two boys possibly being in love. This is the one child that won't talk to me--unless I bribe him, I guess--and I worry about him in particular more than the other kids.

God bless him to be strong, to ignore the mean kids, and to know that no matter what, he always has a safe place with me.

Gospel Principles = Happiness?

Today (actually, I guess it was yesterday) our home teacher came and gave us a short lesson about setting a good example. He is a great man and friend, and teaches things in a very humble but confident way, very down to earth. In his message he commented that someday someone might thank us for our example, for standing up for what we know is right. But that no one would ever thank us for doing the wrong thing. Like "thanks for drinking that beer last night" or "thank you for watching that inappropriate movie."

It seemed as though he was mostly talking to my teenagers, not because he thought they needed it, but just because it is a common topic of choice for youth.

But I couldn't help but question the word "never" in his examples. When he gave the beer example, my mind wandered to my New Year's celebration, and how my friends at my house seemed surprised and maybe proud of me that I was willing to try a sip of the champagne that Scott had brought (He pre-approved bringing it with me first, for you curious stalkers out there.) It is now normal for me to try a sip of whatever drink Scott has ordered when we are out to dinner somewhere. So far the only thing that I have liked at all has been a sangria at Applebees. Even then, though, I limited myself to the one sip and I have never desired more. I really can't stand the taste of anything else I have tried, and I hate the way it burns going down my throat. When I first started tasting his drinks, I still had a temple recommend, and I did not feel bad about it. But now that I realize I shall never again have a recommend, it would seem that nothing should stop me from partaking. At least that is how it is with Scott and many of my other friends. But I have no desire to feel the affects of alcohol or to do anything other than taste.

Later today at Scott's parent's house, I overheard a conversation between Scott's dad and a nephew that is preparing for a mission. I was in and out of the audible location of the conversation since I was packing up food I had brought so that my family would be ready to leave. At one point I heard him say "Following gospel principals always makes life easier." I don't know if it was because he became aware of me standing by him at the time, but he seemed to glance at me and say "at least it usually does."

I reponded with "I don't know about that. I was following gospel principles when all hell broke loose in my life."

To which he responded, "But it does make it easier to handle things that come into our lives."

I could have said more, but instead I walked away since I had the cake packaged up and was ready to go. It's moments like these that make me understand why Scott is so uncomfortable in the presence of his family, and why he has chosen not to come at all for the last seven months, other than dinner on Christmas Eve.

On the way home, I sort of processed my thoughts outloud with my daughter. Last week I went to Sacrament meeting and later to a fireside about the upcoming stake pioneer trek this summer, and I spent time crying as a result, with my typical messed-up recovery day on Monday. I ended up crying at lunch to my friends about my post-traumatic stress with listening to my Stake President speak. My active Mormon friends suggested that it was essential that I stop putting myself in that situation and that attending a different ward in a different stake might be a good option.

So I mentioned to my daughter that last weekend was hard on me because of my church attendance, but that today was wonderful with no church attendance. I was going to go because a couple of our neighbors were reporting on their missions, and in fact last week the kids and I had decided that we would all go, but the three oldest kids went while I stayed home with the younger two, the three of us suffering from a mild cold.

So, does following the principle of attending church meetings make life easier? For me and lots of other people I know, absolutely not. That even includes gay-friendly firesides, where the presiding leader gets up to give closing remarks, and knowing his audience, still talks about following the prophet and attending the temple. And that was not in my stake, so I'm not sure that attending somewhere else would be any better for me.

I apologized to my daughter for my being such a bad example (such as sipping champagne on New Years) and she said "You aren't a bad example. You are a good example." She has chosen (at the moment) to be active in the church, and it does not seem to be causing her any anxiety or changing the ways she views gay rights or our gay friends. She honors and recognizes my struggle and decisions regarding church attendance, and does not hold it against me in the least. And she smiled and said, "Be glad that all of this has kept you from becoming like the _________." (Insert name of an extremely righteous family in our ward with extrememly sheltered children.)

If gospel principles are just those outlined in the fourth article of faith, then that would be faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism, and gift of the holy ghost. I do the first two, and I've done the second two. I guess I don't repent of what others think I should repent of--like dissing the prophet on facebook (which was really more like dissing the gospel principles manual), and I guess I have not been attending Sacrament meeting very much lately to take the Sacrament and renew my baptismal covenants, but is all that being too technical? I still try to repent of things that I do that I realize are actually wrong, and right the wrong when possible.

Now that I've brought up the gospel principles manual, I believe that is more likely what my father-in-law means by gospel principles, including honesty and law of chastity and word of wisdom, etc, etc.

As I was processing with my daughter, I mentioned that most Mormons are way to picky about following all of the tiny guidelines with exactness, without deviation, firmly believing that is the only way to be happy.

But I am happier now that I've loosened up a bit with regards to Scott drinking, and by showing him that I really have with my sincere desire to taste-test. I believe it has helped to strengthen our friendship and our newly-defined relationship as co-parents and friends.

I am usually happier now that I don't attend all of my church meetings, other than a bit of guilt that comes from 37 years of regular church attendance.

Happier now that I have a broader view of life and religion and spirituality. (I've begun attending a class on "Integral Spirituality" at a Universal Unitarian church one evening a week.)

I believe that I continue to maintain values and beliefs that will keep me out of trouble and help me to be more happy in the long run, and I am teaching those to my children. In fact, we just decided last week to follow a weekly reading schedule in the Book of Mormon as outlined in the January issue of The Friend magazine.

But I have no idea exactly where the path I am on will end up, and at the moment, I am okay with that. (Who knows how I might feel about it tomorrow.)

Thanks for reading my ramblings, as usual. I wish I had time to post more often. Goodnight.

I AM Equal

Ooh. It just occurred to me that I totally need to post our new pictures from the I AM Equal Foundation. They turned out awesome! I guess that is what a professional photographer can do. I'm trying to figure out a way to work them into our Christmas letter this year. :)

Stop the world so I can get off...

(You will need to read the other post before you read this one, for it to make more sense.)

My sister called today. She chit-chatted a bit, telling me they had accidently taken home one of my utensils in their salad when they came over for dinner on Labor Day. Then she got to the point of her call.... Dad called her yesterday. He is worried. The kids are old enough to make their own decisions about church...

What the F?

Yes, I know. Where did this all come from. Let's go back to Saturday morning...

I was out shopping, pretty early. Picking up produce from a community co-op, getting a hair cut and then doing some needed shopping at Costco at the beginning of a very over-scheduled day.

As I was driving home, I got a text from a number not in my phone book:

"Tried you a couple of times. Have not canceled your recommend. Would like to try one more time to talk. Would like you to not use it though until we meet. Thnx."

 Me: Bishop? You've tried calling? When? Are you kidding me? Not meeting. I will bring it to you tomorrow. You can have it.

"Tried this morning and tried to catch you the other night. Not what I want but following what I feel, Sarah. I love and care about you and your family."

Me: K. Do what you need to do. I've had it with this church and its Christ-like followers.

I pulled in the garage from my shopping and called Scott to cry on his shoulder. Then I went inside where my daughter apologized. The bishop had called twice so she finally, reluctantly gave him my cell number, knowing that the result would not be plesant. I unloaded my purchases, and then had to leave to pick up another child from a slumber party. On my way, I stopped at the bishop's house and gave my recommend to his grown daughter that answered the door. I said simply, "Give this to your dad.", then turned and took off back to my car.

Here's the thing...
I haven't heard anything for like 3 weeks, and suddenly on Stake Temple day, he is desperate to get in touch with me to tell me not to use my recommend? What about all the times I used it in the 3 weeks? Wouldn't he care about that too, or is it all about appearances? I think he was afraid that someone (read: the person who is my facebook friend and "told" on me) will see me at the temple and then disapprove of the fact that he has allowed me to still have my recommend. Because it was a busy day, with a soccer game and the teenagers doing temple baptisms in the afternoon, I could not figure out a way to make it to the temple myself. But at one point I was planning to go.  I'm glad the whole thing ended up not shattering any elaborate plans...

The kids decided not to do baptisms (my daughter discovered her recommend was expired), but they did want to go to church the next day. So even though I was planning on Saturday to take a break on Sunday, I got up and got everyone ready and off we went. I took my son over to the church first so that he would be on time to pass the Sacrament. When we arrived back at the church with the rest of us, the Sacrament was nearly over, so we soon snuck into the back.  Right after sitting down, the program commenced, and the first speaker announced that she had been assigned to talk about "following the prophet."

You've got to be kidding, right?

I turned to my daughter, said I can't do this, then waded back through the people in the overflow area with all my bags and 3 kids in tow, leaving the oldest two as they desired.

We went in the foyer and sat on the couch, but I could still hear the talk, so that wasn't going to work.

So, we went home.

30 minutes later I took two of the kids back to the church so they could practice for the Primary Program (which is in two weeks, with Stake Conference in between). I returned home and spent a lovely 2 hours with my baby, playing and snuggling and napping.

Then, for the 4th time, I returned to the church to pick up the kids, delivering my oldest son and a friend to another area of the neighborhood to do fast offering call-backs prior to returning home.


AND MY DAD THINKS I SHOULD LET MY KIDS CHOOSE IF THEY WANT TO GO TO CHURCH? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO ALL MORNING? TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, AND ONLY MYSELF?

Sorry for yelling.

You see, the thing is, I called my mom Sunday afternoon, and after I told her about my recommend, I also mentioned that I didn't think I could handle going to church any more, and she started lecturing me about how my kids needed the church to teach them values and such, and so I told her I wasn't in the mood for a lecture and that our conversation needed to be over.

I was even thinking of calling my parents today for the typical chit-chat with them every couple of days. But before I had done so, my sister called, and I was so depressed and furious over the whole thing that there is no way I think I can talk to them for a few days. I don't know if my mom misunderstood me, or if my dad misinterpreted what my mom told him, but of course the kids have a choice. Anyone who knows me would know that I would not keep that agency from my children. Do they all think I've turned into some kind of monster, these people who have known me all my life?

Who knows. Maybe I have. And with each stupid thing like this that happens, I want more and more to be done with this life. I could not kill myself, but I certainly wish I was dead more and more frequently all of the time. Bring on the hell I deserve, sooner than later, because it certainly can't be any worse than the hell I am experiencing daily here on Earth.

Bah.

Power of the Priesthood

(I jotted down these thoughts in April 2011, but never got around to publishing them. That happens a lot!)

Last fall, asked a couple of math teachers that I work with to give me a blessing. One in his bishopric, one the bishop of another ward, but they seemed awkward, yet willing. I was sick with a cold that was lingering, and I was overwhelmed by requirements at school and my life at home. Scott had recently had his name removed from the records of the church, so I no longer felt it appropriate to ask him for a blessing. This feeling was agonizing since the priesthood is one of the things I was always so grateful for in my choice of a husband.

In the blessing, my dear friend told me that I didn't need hands on my head to call on the power of God, the Priesthood, on behalf of myself or my children--that I could ask God any time to bless me or my family.

Several times since, when I might normally in the past been inclined to ask Scott to give me or one of the children a blessing, instead I prayed and called on God to use his power to heal and comfort myself or my child.

One night I called Scott up from the basement to help me with the baby. He had an ear infection, and I had just barely fed him and given him a dose of Advil for his raging fever when a coughing spell caused him to throw up all over him and me.

Scott changed and cleaned him up while I took care of myself and hopped in the shower. I could hear the baby crying, so I began to pray and call on the Lord to comfort and heal my child. During my prayer, I had the strong feeling that I should ask Scott to bless him. Scott agreed, and I found the oil. It was a very touching experience for me, one that I will cherish and felt that I should write down so I could remember.

I don't know if it was appropriate or not, but I don't really care. As I already mentioned, Scott had resigned his membership and therefore his Priesthood power. But it still felt like the right thing to do, and I don't know why, and I will never question or regret my decision to ask him.

It was interesting to contrast the experience to a blessing that I requested from members of my ward. I talked to my home teacher/Elders Quorum President about a blessing for the baby another time, when he had been diagnosed with RSV. The blessing was delegated to a neighbor and his son, and the son had never participated in a blessing before. It was kind of cool to have been able to provide that opportunity for him. But at the same time, I was awkward about having asked, wondering if this father was being at all judgmental of Scott or feeling sorry for me since he was there blessing my child instead of Scott. I made a mental observation that calling on the power of God myself was just as effective and less awkward than requesting one from worthy members of my ward. That doesn't mean I won't ask again if I feel it is right to do so, but I am grateful to know that God is mindful of me without having a priesthood holder in my home.

In God's Hands

Testimony meeting today focused on baptism and basic gospel principles, gratitude for the gospel and temple. We had a convert baptism yesterday, confirmation today. There was also a family in the ward that baptized a child yesterday.

I left the chapel right after the sacrament to go to the "mother's" room to feed the baby. It was the perfect seat for the meeting: a cushy rocker, Sebastian snuggled against me asleep, no other children to distract me, clear sound from the microphone piped into the room. The words of each testimony touched me and lifted me up.

My current bishop spoke of a time when he was not active, of leaders coming to his home and inviting him to church. He had attended as a child, but then he wanted nothing to do with it. A miracle occurred, and he suddenly saw the light that everyone was trying to tell him of, that he had never seen before. And somehow everything came together and made sense and had to be true. And now he rejoices in seeing others find that same light and truth.

The stake patriarch (our bishop when we first moved in this ward) spoke of spending the day in the temple yesterday, filling gaps in his and his wife's families (aka sealings) that should have been done long ago. He spoke of a temple worker that said Satan likes to see us worrying. We will do much better if we can stop worrying and put everything in God's hands and have faith that things will work out.

Many spoke of Gods love, how he loves each of us so much individually. He is aware of our struggles and everything going on in our lives. He loves us no matter what we've done or where we are in our journeys.

A child spoke of attending a friend's baptism yesterday. I thought about the child. He is usually happy and always helpful. My boys and nephew walk home from school with him. When I pick them up, while my boys are fighting over who gets to sit where, this child gives up his seat to make someone else happy. When my nephew was having a bad day and decided to walk, this neighbor child volunteered to walk with him to let him through the shortcut in his yard. He carried the nephew's science fair project home for him this past week. At age 9, he is an amazing example of kindness and service.

My heart is full of gratitude today for my neighbors and friends in our ward. Not all of them handled Scott's coming out very well. But they are inherently good people, and I think many of them have learned from the experience with Scott and are better because of it.

In Sunday school we talked about Christ's example and teachings about loving and serving others.

We discussed how God works with bad things in our lives to make us or our circumstances actually better in the long run, whether the bad things are results of our choices or just things that happen.

The bishop commented about how far ahead he thought he would be if he had come back to church sooner. But we discussed how having that experience made him the understanding man that he is, because he's been there.

My brother and his wife went through a tough time a few years back, and they are struggling with their children now, which I feel is at least somewhat a result of the other thing. But my sister-in-law says that she now has the husband she had always wanted as a result of their trial.

Days like today make me feel like there is hope that someday Scott will come back to  the church and/or me and our marriage. I've told him that, and he cannot see that ever happening. I mentioned it to one of our friends, and he also became concerned that I was putting hope in something that is very unlikely. But for some reason, the spirit keeps putting it in my head, whether for some sort of comfort that I need right now (and that my children need), or because God knows all things from beginning to end.

All I can do is remember that my life is in God's hands, and that He will help me make the best of what I've got.

I've been dreading the upcoming holiday, "single-awareness day," some call it. But I am trying to think of it as "children appreciation day," and I'm working on obtaining the perfect gift for each of them. I love to doorbell-ditch gifts for them on the porch, the same way my mother did for me. Maybe I will take them all to dinner, too. The spaghetti factory would be great. And since it's Monday, and Scott has not yet found his special someone with whom to share the day, maybe he will join us, and it will be perfect.

I made a wish list before Christmas, and one item was a "mother's ring" to replace my wedding ring. So that is what Scott gave me for my birthday last month. It required resizing, and I just got it back yesterday, so today is the first day I've been able to enjoy wearing it. I found myself staring at it at church, showing it to some of my friends (same way I did with my engagement ring almost 16 years ago), and while doing so feeling extremely grateful for my five precious children, and so many other incredible blessings in my life.

Tough night...tough life

It was supposed to be glorious. My son, of everyone, was most excited for me to have my recommend.

So we made plans. Temple across the valley from our home where Scott's parents work in the baptistry. Joseph Smith's birthday, the Christmas season upon us. Done with school yesterday, fun shopping with son to buy him a new suit this morning, massage this afternoon, perfect ending to a pretty good day. My sister and her kids joining us for the adventure.

Then...there's the traffic of last minute shoppers and it's dark and i don't know where I'm going. The fog thickens as we climb elevation, the windshield either speckled with moisture or streaked from the wipers and impossible to see through. Finally, we arrive in one piece. And then...

I forgot to check the date on my son's recommend. It is his first recommend--he's not ever had to think about expiration dates. What 13-year-old does? And it was in my possession--he didn't even have it if he did know to think about checking the date.

It expired at the end of November.

And I have no one to blame but myself.

At least he looks amazing in his new clothes, clear down to his shoes. And I've already made an appointment for him for a new recommend on Sunday. (Got in trouble with the temple worker at the desk for using my cell phone to call the executive secretary.)

Shucks.

And then my tears start to fall, and fall, and don't stop. Why didn't the spirit remind me about the expiration date? It didn't even enter my head? Why don't I feel peaceful and calm now that I'm here? Isn't that how I'm supposed to feel at the temple? I should be able to handle this with grace. I'm stronger than this. It is totally my own fault--not the temple workers' for enforcing the rules. But why do I feel resentment toward them? Why do I just want to swear? Why do I hate that they smile as they explain to my son that they are sorry, but there are no exceptions? Why am I so uncomfortable here, like I don't belong here, like I'm not good enough.

And then...why me? It was supposed to be for eternity...my marriage...my family. Why did all this have to happen, with Scott not here to comfort me, the one to drive through the fog or the one to remember to check on the expiration date?

And now I lay here in my bed hours later.

And I continue to cry. Scott agreed to take the baby for the night so I can try to get some sleep for once. He is a good man, a good friend and dad. He treats me like he loves me, and I know he does. My pain becomes his pain, but that doesn't change who he is--doesn't change his ability to be something he's not and believe or feel things that he doesn't.

FML.

Amen

A Moho friend sent me this link. Right after that I saw the link circulating on Facebook because it is so amazing.

http://tinyurl.com/38kssjv or http://momastery.blogspot.com/2010/10/mountain-im-willing-to-die-on.html

Amen. A million times amen. Please take a minute to at least skim it if you haven't already.

This post goes right along with the family night discussion the kids and I had this week. It occurred to me then and it does again now that although I have taught them by example not to judge people who are gay, what about teaching them NOT to judge those people who do not understand gay people and tend to judge and criticize them? That is something I can really work on. Trying not to criticize or talk badly of anyone is a main goal I need to have right now. I don't always succeed. Sometimes I have to catch myself and stop in the middle of a sentence. But with practice, it can become easier. I keep trying to remember to see all people as children of God with different upbringings and circumstances and habits and understandings. God would want me to love them all and not criticize any of them, I'm sure.

It concerns me just how much my children tend to criticize each other. It hurts me, it gives me a glimpse of God's feelings for how His children treat each other. And I'm sure my children have learned to criticize from my own example, and that really hurts.

Here's to goals and continuing to become a better and stronger person!

And here's to blog posts like the one from this mother that gives me a greater hope and faith in our world and a better tomorrow for our children.

Come Follow Me

I was just helping two of our children prepare for the Primary program at church tomorrow. One of them is going to sing a solo of the 5th verse of "Come Follow Me." I was at the piano, and trying to motivate him to sing through it as I played. I would say the words to a line and then have him sing it. The lyrics to this hymn are old and very complicated. Suddenly the words struck me like a brick. I turned from the piano and said, "Sam, do you know what these words mean?"  Here is what I said to him, more or less...

"We must the onward path pursue"


We have to keep going forward, doing what is right, no matter what.

"As wider fields expand to view,"


Especially now that our view of the world is wider, with our gay friends, and us wanting them to be happy and be able to get married.


"And follow him unceasingly,"


We have to just keep following Christ, no matter what.


"Whate'er our lot or sphere may be."


No matter what comes into our lives, whatever we have to deal with, whatever makes our individual world or "sphere", we must still follow Christ and try to be like him.


Do you see how much this applies to our lives right now? If you sing this with feeling tomorrow, like you really understand it and believe it, I will be bawling my eyes out, and that is a good thing.

I don't know if he really understood what I was saying, but he is a smart kid, and I think he does whether he admits it or not.

So a further message to all of my gay or straight friends out there: no matter what church you choose, even if you have to leave the LDS church because of pain and certain circumstances, please know that Christ lives, and I believe we must each continue to follow him and keep him at the center of our lives. I realize it is possible to do that without attending any church, but associating with some church that will help us remember how important it is to keep Christ in our lives makes it so much easier. At least that is what I think.

Just my two cents.

Summer Pastimes

I feel bad that the circumstances with having a new baby have made the summer a bit of a drag for the kids. No vacation plans, the new piano teacher I had lined up fell through. Never got around to signing the kids up for swim lessons. You get the idea. We have all been incredibly lazy. Yes, there are young women and scout camps, family reunions and youth conference, and dentist and orthodontist appointments. But day to day, we sleep in and take turns holding and tending the sweet baby, read lots and lots of books, try to get some chores done, play some video games, and sometimes have a friend or two over to play. But I think we might all remember best the shows we have watched together.

For example, during the past year, Scott and I have watched episodes of "modern family" after putting the kids to bed. But the last episode or two, the kids ended up watching with us, so then they wanted to go back and watch all of them. It became a motivator for them to get pjs on and do a quick few chores with the promise of a "modern family" episode or two when they were done.

It has been so good for the kids and I to laugh and enjoy them together. Then, the next day, they continue to quote their favorite parts and we laugh some more. Not only are the shows hilarious, but I like how they show a realistic side of families--structures both traditional and non-traditional (including a gay couple and adopted baby), individuals that sometimes get along and often don't, but they learn from their mistakes and work things out and it is always evident that they care for and love each other.

The last few days, Scott has finally been able to take a bit of time off work/work from home, so we began a "lord of the rings" marathon, watching the DVD extended versions, one each day for three days.

Though I've seen the movies once before and read the books once (about the same time, when they came out on DVD) I had forgotten many details. What an amazing story of friendship and loyalty, hope, adversity, humility vs. pride, family, honor, sacrifice, and never giving up. There are some great one-liners. I wish I could remember all of the phrases that touched my heart, like "there is always hope" or "I cannot carry it [the ring] for you, but I can carry you." It reminded me of friends and blog readers that have been most supportive, not by giving advice, not by complaining about Scott's choices, but rather simply by recognizing that what we face is hard, that there are no easy answers, but they will love us and continue to be our friends, supporting and being there for us regardless of what we decide to do.

I'm grateful for a therapist who, instead of saying "what you need to do is divorce", listens and sympathizes and recognizes that there are several options, and agrees that taking one day at a time is wise.

Now that we are done with all of the "modern family" episodes and the "lord of the rings" trilogy, I'm not sure what we will watch next. A couple of us want to see "How to train your dragon" again, a wonderful movie about how the young generation goes against tradition to solve an ancient problem in their community.  After we saw it the first time, I really wanted to blog about how it made me think of the young generation now, about my children, and how at the moment they are growing up with both the LDS church and our gay friends in their lives. Will they be able to break the tradition of generations before them and reconcile the gospel with their views on gay rights? I hope so. There is always hope, hope that they and others like them will be able to help change attitudes and conflicts within the membership of the church.

Hospital Photos

So, all of my friends on facebook know the news, but I have yet to blog about it. Sorry for the delay, but I'm sure you will all forgive me.

Some days I wish that Scott had known he was gay before we married, and that we had decided not to, so that I could maybe have a family with someone else and not have all of these complications.

But when I sit and stare at my new baby boy and how beautiful he is, I am very grateful to have Scott's genes in the family. :) (I am grateful for him in many other ways as well, but I've blogged about those before...)

So here he is...Sebastian Scott...born Monday, June 28th (actually 3 days early!)

A couple of hours old.

Later that evening after his first bath.

When did the "professional" hospital photos actually become something worth buying? Here is a sample, but we have purchased the cd and copyright permissions because they turned out so cute!

Baby Names

Thanks to everyone who has participated in the baby naming poll.  You can still vote if you want to, but I thought for fun that maybe I should share some of my thoughts on names.

I think my first choice right now is Sebastian Scott Nicholson.  I have been researching possible nick names (since Sebastian is so long) and I have found Seb, Sebby, Ian, and Bastian.  I actually kind of like Ian. He will have an "S" name like everyone else, but will also be a bit unique and won't get lost in the "Sssss" when I am trying to call for one of my children. Opinions on nicknames?  Maybe I will start another poll, or just go with whatever feels right after he is born.

I thought at one point that my second choice would be Seth.  Obviously it is winning the poll, it the favorite of two of my children and my mother-in-law.  I guess there is nothing wrong with it, but it just has never felt right in my mind. So unless my heart changes when I see the child in my arms, sorry "Seth" fans, my vote is what counts the most. :)

So maybe my second choice is Skyler.  The thing I guess I am not sure about with Skyler is a middle name. I have always thought it would be nice to pass Scott's name on as a middle name for one of our children. I guess there is nothing that says we have to, I just have been sad that we had never done that. But Skyler Scott is just too much "sc" for me, if you know what I mean.

I was suprised in my poll that Silas has been neck-in-neck with Sebastian.  It is not a name I had ever considered, just one that a moho friend mentioned as a possibility. I might actually kind of like it, but I worry that the beginning of "Silas" sounds too much like "Simon" and would make things even more confusing around our house.  We already have a serious problem with "Simon" and "Sam" or "Samuel" because even though the vowel is different, it is still "S_m" and so they always think I am calling to the other child. In fact, it often comes out "Salmon" when I start saying the wrong name and end up combining them together. :)

It has been strange this time to feel as though I am making this decision on my own, since Scott won't give any opinions (other than a few strong "no's" to some suggestions we have received). One night when I was frustrated with someone in the family when she said, "Sebastian? Don't name him Sebastian!", at least Scott told me later that he had no problem with it and I could go with that one if I wanted to.

Sebastian means "venerable" or "honorable", and I have the feeling that these meanings will have to fit a child that is thrown into the chaos of our family right now. I really loved the movie "Never Ending Story" as a child, and the name of  one of the main characters is Sebastian. Scott and I have actually discussed the name before as a possibility for the other 3 boys, but it has always seemed too long or just not the right fit at the time. My favorite Sebastian from a more recent movie, though, is an adorable little boy in "Nanny McFee".  Awesome movie, and that particular child really touched my heart from the first time I saw it.

I have students that are afraid he would be called a crab, being named for a character in the well-known movie "A Little Mermaid." But even that character is honorable and cute.

I don't know what is best. I just hope and pray that I will be able to choose something that fits him, that he will like and accept as his identity as he grows older. Meanwhile, it's not like there is any birth certificate yet, so all of these thoughts could change.

Flying Solo

Because of the baby coming this summer, we figured that a family vacation would most likely be out of the question, so we decided to plan a trip for Easter weekend, when the kids and I had several days off from work and school.

As the time for the trip neared, I began to worry about our plans for several reasons. First, my pregnancy symptoms could only be worse from a long ride in the car, and then when we were at our destination, I would only slow and limit what the rest of the family could do while we were there, especially since we were going to meet up with some friends. Second, we were having a hard time finding a place to stay for a reasonable price for a family of 6, and right now, finances are definitely an issue. Third, I discovered that my dad would be having open heart surgery in the near future, and I was afraid that it could possibly fall during the time we planned to be away.

As I suggested that I and possibly at least our youngest child should stay home and send the rest of the family on the planned trip, Scott seemed shocked. It made me feel good that he thought it would be weird for me to not be there, and he was not sure he wanted to be away from me for that long.

Besides, I suggested, it could be a good trial "separation" for our marriage for a few days. Scott seemed to agree. So very soon, the possibility seemed reasonable, and plans began to be made for the two oldest children to vacation with their dad while I and the youngest two would relax and celebrate Easter from home.

Here are some observations:

1.  It is more difficult to sleep with a 4 year old and 9 year old in my bed with me. :) Although I still think it was preferable to sleeping by myself.

2.  I am just as miserably pregnant with or without Scott around.

3. I have some wonderful gay friends and I feel incredibly blessed to have them in my life and to feel their true love for me and the kids.  Over two evenings in a row they fixed us dinner one night and colored Easter eggs with us, then the next night made and frosted sugar cookies, and enjoyed my deviled eggs, claiming they were the best.

4. Scott's emotional attachment to me has always been less than mine to him, but still it hurt a bit the first night when I sent him a text saying "I miss you" and he wrote back "I know" instead of "I miss you too." I don't know why I let it bug me, though, since it has always been that way with us. I guess I am hypersensitive to anything that has anything to do with our relationship right now. :(

5. I knew it would be hard, and I am not suprised that each of the first 3 days I had meltdown moments when I just sobbed and said horrible things to myself. But I'm pretty sure that they all happened when I needed to eat, and instead of eating I just sat and felt sorry for myself that there was no one around to fix me some food. Boy do I take Scott for granted.

6. I am suprised at how strong I really have been, despite the meltdowns. In the past I would have panic attacks from being essentially by myself for even one day, let alone several. Depression off and on, yes. Panic attacks and anxiety, no, not really.

I guess I could get used to this if I had to, but I don't want to.

I wonder what Scott's observations would be? Actually, maybe I don't want to know. Being away from whiny me and rowdy boys for a few days has probably been heaven!

Learning from my break

Not too long ago, I wrote a post about the repercussions of taking a month off from church. Those observations helped me realize that I really am ready to start going back, slowly of course.  I have been to sacrament meeting the last 2 weeks, and tomorrow I am helping in one of my son's primary classes. But I have decided that I really do not regret taking a break.  It was what I needed to do at the time, and I learned several things from the experience.

1. One of the main issues I was having before my "break" had to do with the fact that Scott did not go with us any more.  I was resentful of him and felt embarrased or awkward at church as a single parent. In the first couple of weeks of not going, however, I came to understand personally why Scott stopped going, and how it could be so easy to stop.  It was much easier for me than I expected it to be because of the pain and bitterness I was feeling. As I have gone back the last couple of weeks, the anger and resentment I was feeling for Scott for not going with us was gone and I knew it was what he had to do for himself.

2. I had hoped that not going to church would help save my marriage, since it would give Scott and I one more thing to help unify us. The first couple of weeks, it really seemed like it was helping, but when I realized that it really was not going to make any difference, I also realized that I was going to desperately need the support system that the members of the ward could give me through upcoming changes in my life.

3. I have been able to observe first hand what works and what doesn't when dealing with someone who is inactive, and hopefully I have learned and can remember how to be a more Christ-like and loving member of the church toward others in need; how to be a sincere friend instead of just "I'm your visiting teacher or home teacher or other leader and so here I am doing my duty with my stewardship."  That doesn't mean I think any of these people were insincere in their efforts to reach out to me.  I believe that they believe they were/are truly representing Christ and that they really do care about me.  But some of them came across differently than others, and I recognized times in my own life that I have tried to be sincere in my efforts to serve others, but unbeknown to me had really just been acting out of duty to my calling rather than with sincere love.

4.  I was hoping that by taking a break, that the wounds from some of the pain I was feeling would heal better with separation from the source and also with the passing of time.  I believe it really did work as I hoped, and although I still have some feelings of bitterness, I am renewed and more determined to continue working on forgiving certain individuals.


5. I learned that I really am capable of letting go, of setting pain aside for a while and letting it not rule and control my life. I was letting the goal of getting my temple recommend sit in the forefront of everything else, and so everything reminded me about it and made me more frustrated that I couldn't get it. But letting it go a bit (not completely, just enough so that it could be a goal in the back of my mind instead of controlling my every emotion) was so liberating.  I huge weight was lifted from my shoulders immediately.  I no longer resented the fact that my children were attending the temple without me; instead, I just rejoiced that they were able and willing to go. My recommend is now creeping forward in my mind again, probably because my father-in-law suggested that I should continue to pursue it, and I've noticed again this week since mentioning it to the bishop that letting it be so important to me does nothing but cause me pain and frustration and bitterness.  I need to find a happy medium between giving it up completely (and not really giving a damn any more about staying worthy of it), and letting the thought and goal and obsession of getting it back control my life. I can still work toward trying to figure out what I can do to be worthy of it in my leaders eyes, and most importantly stay worthy of it within my own heart, and then have faith that everything will work out, that when the time is right, I might enter those sacred walls once again.

6. I learned just how important the church really is to me, and how important I feel it is for my children.  The church as an organization is far from perfect because the people in it are not perfect, but the gospel is, and the ideas and values that the gospel teaches us about striving to be like our Savior and also about letting the atonement work in our individual lives is so important. I was raised with this attitude about the church, but now I think I understand it better, and I am hoping that as I return into activity I can remember and overlook the imperfections a bit in favor of the benefits.

Repurcusions

I'm out of the loop, and I know it is my fault. I posted on facebook that my ward had forgotten about me only after a month, but I realize it is more likely that in just a month's time, many have not had time to notice that I am missing, especially with the melding of new people in a ward with new boundaries at the beginning of January.

But here are a few things that have happened as a result...

At the end of February, after my not attending church the entire month, my visiting teacher called. She was going to come right after church on Sunday. That was the day the kids stayed home and we watched a movie. So as 2 p.m. neared and we were still in our pjs, I got dressed and ready, had the kids clean up stuff a bit, but she never came. Later that night I saw her at a meeting at the church with our daughters and told her I missed her. She is our youngest child's primary teacher, so since he wasn't at church she assumed he or I was sick and so she didn't want to bother me.

I told her that I was not going to church any more and had not been there for a month. She had no idea, which I guess makes sense since she is in the Primary.  But the RS presidency knew--wasn't that information to pass along?

The following Wednesday, our oldest son had scouts. I was at parent/teacher conferences and got home only a few minutes before he did. He immediately came in and pinned a mother's pin on me from scouts. I had no idea it would be a court of honor that night, and I probably could have arranged to get off early and be there had I known. :(

Then, this past Wednesday, a counselor in the RS presidency called about her girl scout cookies, since she had not been home every time we tried to deliver them. I had just been on the phone with my dad, who mentioned that my mom was going to a special relief society dinner in her ward that night to commemorate the birthday of the relief society organization. I had forgotten that it always happened in March. So while I had this lady on the phone, I asked her about it and she said, "Oh, that was last night. I guess there were so many sisters there and I didn't notice you weren't. It turned out really nice. You would have loved it." Way to rub salt in the wound. She went on to ask me who my visiting teachers are. She said they were making some changes to visiting teaching routes, but that when I had new ones assigned to me, she would be sure to let them know to keep me informed.

I posted on facebook that the whole thing made me kind of depressed. Interesting results from my facebook status--private messages from old friends wondering why I wasn't going to church, comments from ward members assuring that they haven't forgotten me.

The most interesting result was on Sunday. A good friend in the ward, someone who has actually not been afraid to approach the subject with Scott and I since he bore his testimony, said that she had planned to bear her testimony that day and read "this" (and she handed me a piece of folded note paper).

Her "script" started with how welcome she has felt in the ward even though her husband is innactive. Then it went on to say how ashamed and disappointed she is at how the ward has treated our family, specifically mentioning the relief society event of the past week. It included a scripture about not judging in Alma 41:14. I could not hold back the tears as I read, but I was also shaking my head and telling her not to do it. She said she had shown it to a counselor in the bishopric that morning at an interview. He asked her not to do it, but agreed that the ward could make a greater effort to reach out to our family.

I feel like most people in the ward itself have been great. And again, the whole relief society dinner thing was probably because people are not used to me NOT being there and hearing the announcements. Prior to the rs dinner, our next door neighbor did call and invite us to a ward dinner at her home (small groups ate at homes and then went to the church for dessert.) I thought that was nice, and I don't know if Scott enjoyed it, but I did.

And then there's the kids...

The main reason I went to sacrament meeting this past Sunday was to get my kids to church, since none of them wanted to go at all the last time. But after sacrament meeting was over, they knew I intended to go home, and they all wanted to come with me instead of staying for their classes. I reminded them that we would have our own lesson, and there would be no computer or nintendo for at least the two hours. But they didn't care, and I ended up being so depressed. What have I done? They started out so strong going without me. The didn't put up any or much of a fight about going to sacrament meeting with me. I don't think I'm ready to face Sunday school and relief society yet, and the last time I just sat in the foyer was the worst because that is when I ran into the stake president.

Maybe the weather will let me sit outside under a tree?

(Sigh)

I will figure it out. They are good kids, but I guess my actions are more influential with them than I ever realized, which is obviously both good and bad. : \

Three weeks...

...and counting.

Scott wasn't sure how I would handle it, but it has been so nice--no panic attacks or three hours of misery and crying on Sundays.

The first week I chose songs for Relief Society and got a sub. The second week I picked songs and called the education counselor in the presidency to let her know. Today I didn't worry about it. As Scott says, I gave my 3 weeks notice to the bishop 4 weeks ago.

Meanwhile, the children continue to attend by their own choice. They haven't gone to sacrament meeting, but I take them over and pick them up from the other two hours. This morning they were more wishy-washy than usual. I told them they could go, or stay home and we could watch a church-produced movie. "Like Prince of Egypt?", the 12-year-old asked. No, like Legacy or Testaments.

When a half hour to Sunday school time came around, he still wouldn't decide. I gave another choice: decide to go (and get ready right now) or not go, and we will start a movie. But if you don't choose now, you will sit here and read your scriptures for two hours.

Within a few minutes, everyone was getting ready to go.

Scott and I made great use of the two hours with some much-needed conversation.

I've found some great apps for my new iPhone with scriptures and lesson manuals and audio of talks and Mo-tab musical programs. I am beginning to establish some personal gospel study habits.

We were with Scott's family tonight for a b-day dinner/get together. Toward the end, something came up about the day and I shared the choices I had given the children, and that they had all chosen church. Then I mentioned in passing how easy it has been for me to not go for 3 weeks, nice to not walk in the building and have a panic attack. (Especially today when it was ward conference and the stake president probably spoke.)

Scott commented later how his ultra-Mormon brother and his wife were eying us a little strangely the next few minutes while we were all gathering up things in preparation for heading home. I must have given them a bit of a shock.

Oh well, life is good for the most part. Here comes another week!

Why Marriage Matters

Finally, an article in the Deseret News that I can agree with. Remove a couple of words and sentences, like “Traditional Marriage” and “National Organization for Marriage” and "especially those of us who believe marriage is and should remain in America the union of one man with one woman" and you have the perfect set of arguments for why gay marriage should be legal. Why those who write this stuff can’t see it is beyond me. They are so stuck in traditional interpretations of the bible, like the misunderstood story of Sodom and Gomorrah, that they refuse to look around at families with gay couples at the head of them that fit this article perfectly, families like Utah Cog.

Anyway, here it is! (http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700009770/Why-Marriage-Matters-Marriage-leads-to-better-overall-health-Scholar-Linda-Waite-says.html)

"Why Marriage Matters": Marriage leads to better overall health, scholar Linda Waite says

By Sara Israelsen-Hartley
Deseret News
Published: Monday, Feb. 15, 2010 10:02 p.m. MST

PROVO — There's a lot to be said for saying "I do."

And it goes beyond the romantic notions of happily ever after.

How about healthily, wealthily ever after?

Married people have higher levels of physical, emotional and cognitive health, along with greater earning potential, a sociologist told a group at BYU last week.

Linda Waite, a professor of sociology from the University of Chicago, provided hard data for the often emotionally fueled arguments in favor of traditional marriage at the sixth annual Marjorie Pay Hinckley Lecture.

"What I argue, and in my view, the research evidence supports, is that marriage itself changes people's choices," Waite said.

When their choices change, their behavior changes, which results in greater health.

"(Using the) most basic fundamental health indicator, it's very clear that married people are advantaged," she said, showing a graph with life-expectancy lines for men and women that were higher for married individuals than their single, widowed or divorced counterparts.

And this refers to traditional marriages, she said, not cohabitation, marriage-like arrangements or alternatives to marriage.

But being married doesn't just help you live longer. Other graphs showed higher levels of mental health and cognitive function for married couples than for single people living alone, with other adults or with their own children.

"It's clear that for both men and women, marriage improves mental health," Waite said. "And it declines when they lose a marriage."

In fact, divorce or widowhood is so stressful that "being divorced or widowed leaves a mark on physical health even years later," she said.

Although remarrying improves mental health, it can't make up for the damaging periods of poor sleep, nutrition and exercise during a stressful time, Waite said.

Marriage also benefits the parties financially, as women have someone to provide for them and their children, and men earn more money than they did when they were single, because of an improved work ethic.

Those findings are nothing new to BYU professors, who study social trends of marriage and family through the LDS lens.

"Obviously at BYU, there's a religious motivation behind the importance of marriage," said Renata Forste, a sociology professor who studied in Chicago, where she met Waite. "But there's also empirical evidence that shows that married people do better."

Lectures like Waite's build on the legacy of Sister Hinckley and her focus on the family through research and education, said Stephen Bahr, a professor of sociology at BYU who is on the Marjorie Pay Hinckley Advisory Committee responsible for arranging the lectures.

"Rather than simply advocating a position is to focus on the research," Bahr said. "As students learn to do good research, the research will speak for itself, as hers did."

And the more people who understand the scientifically proven benefits of marriage, not only for them, but for society in general, the more attitudes will hopefully shift to being protective and supportive of traditional marriage, Waite said.

"The most important thing is to speak up, in love, for the truth about marriage," said Maggie Gallagher, president of the National Organization for Marriage and co-author with Waite on the book, "The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially."

"Right now, it's less about which arguments are more or less effective than it is about the attempt to intimidate or embarrass marriage supporters into silence," Gallagher told the Deseret News, "especially those of us who believe marriage is and should remain in America the union of one man with one woman."

Gallagher said it's important to talk to children, siblings, friends and family members about why marriage matters so much.

"We tend to raise kids to be good workers and students," she said. "We need to raise them as well to be and to value being good husbands and wives, because children need moms and dads they can count on."

"Why Marriage Matters"

In 2002, a group of family scholars, including Linda Waite, produced a report, "Why Marriage Matters," sponsored by the Institute for American Values.

In the report, they summarized three fundamental conclusions about marriage:

Marriage is an important social good.

Marriage is an important public good.

The benefits of marriage extend to poor and minority communities.

To read more, visit center.americanvalues.org/?p=7 or www.americanvalues.org/pdfs/wmmexsumm.pdf.

This past weekend I received an email from parent at my school because after a few communications with her regarding her child and my student, I somehow got on her “read this cool story!” email list. :) Sometimes it is annoying, but after skimming this particular email, some statements toward the end intrigued me, and my mind has since put them together with the above article.

I have heard politicians and political groups use the arguments that special groups should not receive special freedoms just for them, specifically referring to the gay community. But the response I have heard from the other side is accurate: they are not looking for special treatment, just equal treatment. Then there is the response to that, that a gay man has just as much right to marry a woman as a straight man does. They really have no idea how far that is from being an equal freedom, which is so sad. They also say that as long as people are quiet about being gay, then there is no issue with job or housing security. They really have no idea what it is like to be in the closet.

Back to a small quote from this email, (I have no idea how true it is, but I like it) that comes from a Judge, William Young, who presided over the case involving Richard Reid, a man who got on a plane with a bomb built into his shoe.

He supposedly says to the terrorist (among a lot of other things):

“It seems to me you hate the one thing that to us is most precious. You hate our freedom. Our individual freedom. Our individual freedom to live as we choose, to come and go as we choose, to believe or not believe as we individually choose…”

What I liked best, however, was the commentary after the Judge’s quote, from whomever got this email going in the first place:

“We need more judges like Judge Young.”

“But we are losing America and the Freedoms that Judge Young was speaking about because too many "Special Interest Groups" are exploiting the "ME" and forgetting about the "US" in America. Unless we stand together, it won’t take too much longer before they pull us part with the very ideals of Freedom that we hold so dear. I don't care if they pit Caucasian against Latinos, Straights against Gays, or Catholics against Protestant. They are succeeding in dividing us from "One Nation Under One Flag". Our forefathers built us as a nation "Under God", but God made us all brothers and sisters. Different, but Special. These special interest groups are using that difference against us to divide us and it’s working.”

“AND THEY KNOW IT. They are using our very Freedoms against us. Because we won’t stand up to them and they know it. We better fight these guys or be prepared to crawl when they destroy what our constitution was really intended to do.”

“It has been said over and over again that America will destroy itself from within and it looks like we are.”

Now, I am not sure which side this email-author is on when it comes to gay-rights issues, but I agree that our country has a problem. I’ve said this before, that there are people on both sides of the issue that are doing more harm than good. I know some people see the gay community as a “special interest group” that is causing problems. But I think it is much more the other way around. Basic freedoms are at stake, basic freedoms of employment and housing and hospital visitations and marrying who you love, of creating a family with those you are most connected to. The rights of parents to control what their kids do and don’t learn in school about the families of other children pales in comparison, in my opinion, to the rights of this minority group. And even more than that, I think children OUGHT to have the opportunity to learn about and embrace other family structures, thus fully accepting their peers and their individual situations.

Again, I am so glad that we have taught our children to love. Two weeks ago,  (the first week I officially stayed home from church) the 3 older children chose to go to their classes, but the youngest wanted to stay home with me. So he and I had our own primary lesson, the next one from his manual, and the topic was on family. I was talking to my son, following this instruction in the lesson itself: LDS.org - Support Materials Chapter - We Have Special Families

“Explain that all families are different. Some families have two parents, and some families have only one. Some families have lots of children, and some families have only a few children or one child. Some families have children, parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles all living together. Some children live with adults who aren’t related to them but who still love them and care for them. Families do different things together and show love in different ways. The important thing about families is that the family members love and care for each other. Everyone needs to be part of a family.”

My son immediately jumped down from the couch and picked up a picture book that we have on a shelf under our coffee table, and insisted that I read it with him. Scott looked up from his personal reading/study time and smiled. We purchased the book a year or so ago, and it has a page that says “some families have 2 moms or two dads.” He and I read through the book together. We have read it many times, and he had his own commentary to go with it. To him it is all normal, that all families are different; he is going to grow up with that idea, and I love it!

After the book, we continued with the lesson. I did not teach him anything contrary to the lesson. It is true that some families have two moms or two dads, and there is no reason to hide the fact that they exist and love their children just as much as any other parents.

I agree wholeheartedly that “Marriage Matters”, freedom is most precious, and the best way to hold our country together is to support and strengthen marriage and families, all families, no matter what they look like.

From the proclamation on the family: (LDS.org - Family Chapter Detail - The Family:A Proclamation to the World)

“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live..."

"We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets."

"We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.”

AMEN! Let’s legalize gay marriage, promote family, and strive to love and serve each other!

Getting used to disappointments

So, my husband is gay.

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What? No temple recommend for no good reason whatsoever?

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Oops, I'm having a baby. Four children was perfect. I guess someone upstairs doesn't agree. If I have to go through this pregnancy thing again, at least let it be a girl.

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I'm not in the final cut of the movie after all? No 5 minutes of fame? Whew! (I guess)




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Oh, another cute, adorable boy?


Okay.

Now I just have to help my daughter come to terms with having four little brothers. Wish me luck. Actually, better yet, pray for us. Her face is red, her eyes puffy. Maybe it is time for a girl's night out. Anyone else want to come?

It is what it is, and we will love him. Any ideas of boy names starting with S, now that Savannah and Sophia and many others on my possibility list are probably all out of the question?

:)

Done?

Yesterday I was casually chatting with my mom, when she told me they had a home teacher come for the first time in a few months. The man's teenage son is supposed to come with him, but apparently he is having problems with the son not wanting to go to church, etc. She was going on about how it is hard to know what to do about something like that, every child should come with an instruction manual, etc.

In one phrase, I changed the casual conversation to a not so casual one. I said, "I have the opposite problem: teenagers that want to go to church and parents that don't want to go with them." My mom is great, not judgemental, trying to sympathize and understand and keep the conversation light, but by the end, I know that I left her with a large amount of stress in her mind regarding something she really can do nothing about.

But today I went to church anyway.  Daughter singing in Sacrament meeting with the Young Women. Son passing the Sacrament. Both of them substituting in Primary while we had a 5th Sunday every-adult-in-the-ward meeting during Relief Society and Priesthood.

I felt horrible--headache, really tired (but the party was worth it :), and had another panic attack during Sacrament meeting, so I took it easy, sat in the foyer to listen to the bishop's lesson.  I was sitting by the stake offices and heard a discussion about girl scout cookies, so I stepped in to see if anyone needed to order any, and the stake president said from his office across the hall, "Put me down for this and this, please."  Then he said, "Sarah, come in here for a minute." The conversation did not go well.  He has been waiting for a month and a half for me to respond to questions in an email he sent me, questions that I didn't really feel like needed answered. And of course he said it all with an "I love you, but...". I don't need that kind of love, the kind that comes with a condition and lots of advice on how I need to live my life.  I rolled my eyes and left.  I texted Scott through the rest of the lesson, then sobbed all the way home.

For my own mental health, I have to be done.  Sorry Mom, sorry kids.  I have to take care of myself first, and continuing to go is not helping anyone.