Taking a Stand

Fast and Testimony Meeting, July 3, 2016

Kyle (a 21 year old gay man who is renting a room from me) and I planned to bear our testimonies today. Mama Dragon Kimberly Anderson specifically challenged Mama Dragons to do so during this past week as we were all grieving the news that there had been several suicides, some of which were children of mothers that were either in our group or known personally by members of our group.

Kyle and I attended a funeral on Friday for Stockton Powers. It was heart wrenching but beautiful and hopeful. There were so many people there, wearing rainbow ribbons and pins in support of Stockton and his family. Friends had traveled from California and Idaho and Arizona to be there.

I mentioned to Kyle the challenge from Kim in the mama dragon group, and he told me he had already been planning on doing that very thing in my ward on Sunday.

Saturday evening as I finished practicing the organ in the chapel for Sacrament meeting the next day, thoughts started running through my mind of things I could say. I came home and typed them up, crying as I did so. I knew I would cry when I spoke.

Sunday morning, Kyle and I went early so that I could practice and play prelude. I offered to sit in the congregation with him, but instead he chose to sit on the stand with me, hiding behind the organ. While I was playing prelude, a member of the bishopric came up to talk to the chorister, letting her know what he had planned for the month so that she could choose songs to go with the topics. He mentioned that he didn't know who was speaking the last Sunday. Then he turned to me and said, "Do you want to speak? I'll give you a topic. You'll have to be good."

Continuing to play the organ, knowing the plan that Kyle and I had to speak today lie ahead, I laughed and said "I haven't spoken in eleven years. And any topic you give me can be applied to what I strongly believe in, so you'll have to tell me what I can and can't say." We talked about it a bit more, but I needed to play and he needed to sit down for the meeting. Meanwhile, the new stake president walked in and sat on the stand. First he looked at me at the organ and said hello. I turned to Kyle and mouthed quietly, "Damn, that is the stake president!" A look of fear struck his face, probably mirroring my own.

After the opening hymn and the sacrament hymn, I climbed down from the organ bench and sat next to Kyle. He said "I'm still going to do it." I replied, "Then I am too." I asked Kyle if he wanted to go first or if he wanted me to. He said he didn't care. So finally I told him that I wanted him to go first and I was so nervous that I wanted to get it over with, so he better go soon.

After a couple of testimonies, he finally got up. He was calm. He told everyone that he is gay, that he came out 3 three years ago, and then he was abused by someone in his ward. He talked about Stockton's funeral, listing many of Stockton's awesome qualities, but also that he was gay. He talked about struggling so much that evening, after the funeral, that he asked for a priesthood blessing--something he hasn't done for several years. He talked about the peace he felt following the blessing and of God's love for him.

I planned to get up right after, but a teenage girl beat me to it. She mentioned how she wished her brother had been there today to hear Kyle's testimony. When she was done, I got up.

I said something jokingly(sorta) about the bishopric probably being nervous that I was getting up. Then I talked about Kyle, how he had adopted me as his mom, and what a blessing his testimony was to me. I mentioned an article in the newspaper about how youth suicides had tripled in Utah since 2007. About how teachers all have required suicide prevention training as part of recertification. I said that no matter who they are or how they identify or what they've done in their lives, whether they are straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer, that God loves them and knows what it is in their hearts. I talked about being the advisor of a gay/straight alliance at Kearns High School, of how much I loved those kids, of how many of them did not feel loved by their families and desperately wanted to feel loved by their families.

I mentioned that since many changes had happened in our ward over the last 8 years, that some of them may not be aware of my situation, that they might not even know that I have five amazing children. I talked about Scott coming out over the pulpit in testimony meeting. I talked about feeling his mother's love for him that afternoon, hugging him and telling him it was from her. I mentioned how it became more difficult for our family to come to church, and that he had eventually resigned. But that he is still a wonderful father and man.

I talked about how Scott is really struggling lately for various reasons, and that the shooting in Orlando had been very difficult for him, that a couple of weeks ago when he and I were going to the courthouse to finish our divorce paperwork, I watched him struggle with panic attacks. That evening I cried and cried over his pain and struggles, worrying about him and wishing and wondering if there was more I could do. I also wondered why I was feeling this love and concern for him so strongly, because even though I did love him, I wasn't still in love with him. It occurred to me that maybe once again, I was feeling the emotions of his mother. That thought was confirmed, and then I said out loud, "Ok, Cheryl. Leave me alone! I need to calm down and get some rest." (The congregation chuckled.) I felt prompted to message his little sister and tell her of my experience, and then I was able to calm down and rest. I had my tonsils out the week before and crying and stressing out was not helping me feel better in the least.

I talked about how I know there are angels amongst us, that our forefathers and ancestors were around us, along with God and Christ, cheering us on and wanting us to be happy. I talked about that there is a place in this church for anyone who wanted to be there, and even if it didn't feel like it sometimes, that there would always be a place there, sitting next to me if needed.

I cried the entire time I spoke, and I saw people in the congregation smiling and crying as well. Kyle said he was also crying.

Afterward, many people came up on the stand to talk to us and thank us. To welcome Kyle to the ward and let him know he was welcome there. All three members of the bishopric thanked me, and I asked the one I had been talking to before the meeting if I had said anything out of line. He said no, that what I said was perfect. That it was the elephant in the room that needed to be talked about, but that hardly anyone wants to talk about. That it is a perspective that the people needed to hear.

The stake president was busy talking to other people who had gone up to greet him, so he and I didn't talk at all afterward. I will look forward to sometime being able to talk to him further. He is a fairly new stake president, that I don't know very well, and I'm not sure where he stands on this issue with our stake.

Later in relief society, an older lady shared with me that she had a gay sister, who had passed away last year. During the lesson, the daughter of another lady in our ward spoke up and said that later after church she and her husband were going to talk to their eight year old about finding a balance between loving and accepting LBGT, and understanding God's unchanging laws. I flinched a little bit. I hope that eight year old is not gay. But at least the conversation is happening. Yay for small victories.

So there it is, more or less. I can't remember exactly what I said. I was so nervous and emotional. But I do know that if even one soul, one life is better because of it, it was worth it.

Many other Mama Dragons also spoke in their Sacrament Meetings. Can you imagine these testimonies and tears and pleading for love happening all over that day? What a beautiful beautiful thought.

Mormons Building Bridges

A short time before the Salt Lake Gay Pride celebration, I was added to a Facebook group titled "Mormons Building Bridges". Within this group the plans for marching in the parade were organized and finalized. But now that the parade is over, the conversations continue, and people are posting about their wonderful experiences from pride, but also about other experiences and interactions within their LDS church buildings and/or with their friends and ward members.

This week, one man named Nic posted this beautiful experience that must be shared:

"Today at church in a Father's Day talk, a member went off about how society is going down on the backs of the iniquity of homosexuals everywhere, gays are no better than animals and gay marriage will destroy families and gay parents destroy children, how evil homosexuality is and how ashamed they should be for corrupting things God intended otherwise.

Given my internal compass I am not offended by this but I looked around at everyone and wondered who else could be gay and hearing this. I tried to be cured and was in a hetero marriage that ended in divorce but I am a Dad as well. After sacrament I took this brother--he is a good man btw--in the hall and talked with him. I just told him I was gay and started testifying of the deep struggles I had for years trying to be cured. How much I love my kids and try to be the best Dad to them. How I did not choose this and I have an undeniable testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ including a strong relationship with them. And an even deeper testimony that they have always known I was gay, have never treated me differently and loved me even though I am gay.

His face turned more and more pale white as I talked. I looked up at him to notice at the end tears streaming down his face. This is a brother I have befriended, helped through struggles, helped with his house and moving, helped him anytime he needed it and always smiled and asked how he was doing. He said, "I just can't stop crying I feel the spirit so strong right now. I am so, so sorry. I, I, I didn't know I mean you have kids, I mean I need to repent so bad. You're gay? That entirely changes everything I have ever felt or been taught about gay people." He hugged me and kept crying. And apologized several more times. I told him even more than me I worried about others who heard it and their thoughts and feelings. He said "I will go to the Bishop and ask him how I can correct this, so I can share what I have learned and my apology." So he did.

Contention comes from one place, not God. We too easily politicize everything but souls are not political pawns to be played with. They are beautiful, intrinsically worth it children of God! Miracles happen as we reach out in love and understanding ONE soul at a time! I know this works as we have the courage to be ourselves and testify of true principles!"

In the group, we asked Nic if the branch president had addressed the issue at all. Nic shared the following details:

"The branch president stood up and interrupted the talk to end the meeting. His son had come up and grabbed his hand (a toddler). I got up and approached the brother asking him if I could have a word with him in the hallway.

The branch president asked everyone if they could stay in the chapel. I don't know what he said exactly but my piano teacher in the ward said he bore his testimony about growing up an anti-gay bully and bigot. He told them how he counseled a person who had struggled so much and been through so much as a gay person. He prayed and fasted for them. He was filled with the love Heavenly Father and the Savior had for this gay child of God. He told them how he had a complete change of heart, shed tears over how much he loved this person and they are still best friends to this day.

That's the short version but apparently there was not a dry eye in the place. He didn't name me but that gay person is me. He has had a complete and miraculous change of heart. He is so loving. I love him dearly. He has taken heat from those who know I am gay who have called him a "faggot sympathizer." He is truly one of my best friends. He has given a 5th Sunday lesson on loving and embracing gay members of the church that I wrote for him called, "The Worth of a Soul."

Unfortunately, the brother giving the talk was gone. But all things in their time and this turned out to be a great lesson for everyone involved. When Elder Holland visited my mission in North Carolina he told me something when I spoke to him I will never ever forget. He said, "Most people do not experience miracles because they do not live out where miracles happen." I determined I would be a person who lives "out where miracles happen." Anyone else can choose to do the same. Nothing special about me!
I always operate on love. I can't hate people; I love them too much! I see them as Heavenly Father and the Savior see them and feel their love for them too strongly. I have even been beaten and harmed for being gay. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel sorrow for those who did it and how much they must struggle inside to be able to do that to someone. I forgive and hope Heavenly Father and the Savior love them, heal them and give them peace."

Someday I hope to be as calmly vocal and as forgiving as Nic is, so that I can feel comfortable going back to church regularly and build bridges like he has. I told him that I would love to chat with him sometime about how to begin forgiving leaders and family members. In response, he shared a link to this talk by President Faust, which I plan to read soon.

God bless our leaders and other members to open their hearts and truly feel the spirit of love in the message that many of us have to share. Bless us to calmly stand on the side of love and avoid contention and be non-judgmental and forgiving as we do!

Revelation

Is revelation a call to obedience, or a gift of God's love?

With the onset of summer break came the courage for me to attend some LDS church meetings yesterday. During the school year, a bad Sunday carries over to a miserable Monday--I call it an emotional hangover. But any resulting stress from Sunday is easier to handle on Monday if I don't have to face classrooms full of teenagers while still distraught.

I actually intended to attend my entire three hour block of church--something I haven't done for nearly a year. But then I found out that one of my dear straight spouse friends was teaching a lesson on revelation in her relief society meeting at the same time as my sacrament meeting, so I decided to go there instead.

My friend focused on personal revelation, and had mentioned that while preparing the lesson that she felt she should focus on God's love.

A few days earlier some of us on an online straight spouse support group were discussing the challenge of reconciling our personal revelation and views on homosexuality with church "doctrine". One incredibly wise and spiritual woman among us shared her beautiful thoughts:

I felt really caught in the middle for a long time: President Packer and others so sure their revelation was correct, my gay husband having such immense spiritual experiences when he FINALLY got the courage to ask God if he were even loved, and then if it is okay to be gay. Both men asking opposite questions and coming away positive they are correct. When I finally pleaded with my Heavenly Father, telling him I didn't know...I had absolutely no idea which idea was correct, I felt an outpouring of love. My answer was simply "I love you, it will be okay". And I knew that was true. I really think that maybe some pray, so convinced of what the answer will be before they even ask the question, that God simply says "I love you" and that amazing feeling is interpreted as a definitive answer that "I am right". This is my favorite quote from Elder Uctdorf, and I think it hits the nail on the head:

"Brothers and sisters, as good as our previous experience may be, if we stop asking questions, stop thinking, stop pondering, we can thwart the revelations of the Spirit. Remember, it was the questions young Joseph asked that opened the door for the restoration of all things. We can block the growth and knowledge our Heavenly Father intends for us. How often has the Holy Spirit tried to tell us something we needed to know but couldn’t get past the massive iron gate of what we thought we already knew?" DIETER F. UCHTDORF

I think that it is important that we move forward, based on the dictates of our conscience. As we move, as we continue to search and pray, we come to slowly understand more and more the mind of God. It is a journey. We may not have the complete answers in our lifetime, but if we act on what we truly feel is right and good, we will be okay. It is as I move forward that I become more convinced that I am doing what is best for me and my family. When I first start on any given path, I'm not sure. As I move forward, I either go....ummm....yea, this isn't feeling right. So I move in a different direction, until what I'm doing feels right. Then I move full speed ahead! I am sure my understanding of homosexuality will change over time and my ideas will become more fully developed and closer to the truth. And that is okay. It is part of life. Do I have very strong convictions and beliefs on homosexuality YES. Do they differ from those of respected church leaders? In some instances yes, in others, who knows? I do think that we are on the brink of further revelation. All the wonderful strides that are being made in the world to accept and love each other are setting the foundation. I hope to help others start to think and to question so that we may be ready as the changes come.

Back to my friend's lesson. Toward the beginning there were some comments made regarding leaders receiving revelation for us and our role to be obedient to them. I felt myself becoming obstinate and angry. This is my most common inner reaction any time I attend church meetings, and that is why I go so seldom. I frequently feel angry and tense. But as the lesson went on, my attitude softened, and by the end I was feeling a need for my own love and patience with church leaders and members.

For most of the lesson my friend was the facilitator, asking for a few quotes or scriptures to be read and then asking the reader what they thought. Personal experiences were shared and I gained some insight. She mentioned to me later that it had been a really hard lesson for her to prepare, so she really needed the comments from the class to teach the lesson. And they did.

One sister spoke of praying regarding doubts to marrying her fiancé, and she asked for a black and white answer. She felt God's love for her when she happened to see some texts on her fiance's phone in black and white, and she knew that was her answer to breaking the engagement. I couldn't help but remember my own doubts when I was engaged to Scott. I've blogged about this long ago, but I don't think it was a strong black-and-white prompting. Rather, I think of it more as God's sadness in knowing the difficult yet important journey of which I was about to embark.

Another sister spoke of the scripture from the Book of Mormon where Alma says "O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!" but then he realizes that God is in charge. People must be ready to hear the message, and God knows when that is. I've always thought of this scripture in terms of missionary work, but this time I personally took it with my own desire for gay rights activism, and a message from God to me to be patient. I felt the same message again at an LGBTQ church-approved fireside last night when the brother giving the closing prayer specifically asked that we might be blessed with patience for our leaders and family members. It must have been something I needed to hear.

Another comment was made regarding revelation and spirituality that made me think; someone said, "what we put into it is what we get out of it". I am really struggling with the direction the kids and I should go with regards to church attendance, but I have also become lax in the things that will help me be able to receive that revelation, like prayer and scripture study. I guess I need to decide how serious I am about getting an answer. Maybe I don't really want an answer right now. Maybe I just want to enjoy my break a bit longer, and so putting the effort in might mean getting an answer out that I am not yet ready to hear. I'm afraid of it regardless of whether it is to stay in the church or to leave it. Both solutions terrify me.

Needless to say, I left the first meeting uplifted and ready to attend another. I called the kids at home and said that whoever was willing to go to church with me should get ready because I would be home soon.

My daughter and toddler came with me (can you believe he is almost 2!?) and he attended the nursery for the first time ever. :)

As I approached the relief society room, men that were leaving Sunday school extended quick but heartfelt hello's and big smiles. One man asked, "Come back to visit, huh?" I thought he was teasing me, when he in fact was under the impression I had moved because he hadn't seen me for so long. When he found that out, his insistence that I not be inactive gave me that same stubborn, chip-on-my-shoulder feeling again that had dissipated so nicely during the previous hour. I thought about all the times that as a true-believing-Mormon I had done the same, probably over welcoming less active members when they did come, and I felt a little bit bad about it, but also a little bit more patient with the members for their good intentions. I wanted to just sit in the back and blend into the woodwork. A friend reminded me that I would have to come on a regular basis again for that to happen, LOL.

Sit in the back I did, with some very good friends with which I could banter and mutter under my breath to ease my anxiety. The teacher began handing out quotes to be read, and told us she was starting at the back because she usually always starts at the front. I looked at my quote and dread came over me. I seriously considered leaving. The quote was about the prophet receiving revelation and our requirement to sustain and obey and not be judgmental of him and his words. I asked the teacher if it was okay for me to read something I didn't believe, and she said she hoped I believed it, but I muttered something and gave her a look to indicate that I really wasn't sure that I did. Then my friend next to me showed me the quote she was to read, and I was grateful I had the one I did and not hers, which said: We have had misguided souls in the Church who have, in their ignorance, opposed the advice of the [President of the Church], not sensing the fact that they were opposing the Lord and they have fallen into darkness and sorrow, and unless they repent they will not find a place in the celestial kingdom. Ug. Then my friend opened her lesson manual and I was shocked to see the title and know that it was the same lesson I had attended that morning in my friend's ward.

I read my quote and listened to the other quotes be read and I distracted myself by texting my friend and searching for President Uchtdorf's quote on Facebook. The discussion went on in the background: our leaders receive revelation for us from God. We are required to follow them. We do not get to pick and choose what we believe. We can receive revelation for ourselves and our families/children, but not for our ward or for the church.

I was determined that when the topic changed from leaders to personal revelation, that I would raise my hand and share President Uchtdorf's quote. At least I hoped the lesson would go there, and finally it did. And I raised my hand, and I shared and a lovely discussion ensued. The relief society president leaned toward me from a nearby row and asked me to send the quote by Facebook message to her later.

One of the most memorable comments was from a sister regarding her daughter's rocky marriage. She said she prayed for the marriage to be saved and left intact; for the conflicts to go away. But she was always left with a "stupor of thought." Finally she figured out that it was none of her business, and worded her prayers differently. After the lesson I thanked her for her comment and shared my own similar experience, just a feeling I've had with regards to prayers for me.

At the peak of my struggle with attending church a few months ago, I was so conflicted. As you know, going to church made me miserable and panicky, but staying home I felt guilty. One time when my mother-in-law mentioned that they always pray for me and Scott and the kids, something occurred to me. I thanked her graciously but then asked she be sure she was praying for us to find peace and make the right decisions for our family, rather than praying for us to go back to our regular church attendance. She didn't comment, but staying home and finding peace in my journey seemed easier after that. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I don't think so.

After church I didn't feel the usual burden and I didn't think I was going to have to deal with an "emotional hangover" today. Yay! I posted the following on facebook:

It was interesting to go to the same relief society lesson on revelation twice today, taught by two different people. It was really like two completely different lessons. One was in my ward and focused a lot on following our leaders and the revelation they receive. The other was taught by a straight spouse friend of mine and focused on personal revelation and feeling God's love. I learned from both of them--not necessarily the message of the lesson itself, but more from comments and personal experiences. I do not regret attending either of them. It was so good to see friends that I don't see otherwise in my own ward.


The day ended with a wonderful fireside and conversations with fabulous LGBTQ and Mormon ally friends. Not sure what I will do about church next week, but it was an amazing and peaceful step for me yesterday. I was able to endure what could have been a devastating lesson and instead keep confidence in my own beliefs and in my own personal revelation. I am grateful for the experience, and extremely grateful for good friends, or angels, that God has placed in my path.

My brave blog friend

It's possible that all of my blog readers also read many of the blogs that I have posted links to at the left. I don't know if all of the blogs that I have linked to even exist any more, because I haven't read any of them for so long. I blame Facebook because there I get a fast overview of how most of my blog friends are doing all in one place.

But one of my links goes to the blog of a lady who I met in person for the first time at the Mormon stories conference in November. Our chance to visit with each other was short but meaningful as I found out who she was and how much my blog and journey had meant to her.

She has gone through quite the journey of her own the past few years, and though her life and goals have changed drastically, she has maintained her testimony and finds peace in continuing to attend church meetings.

Recently she went through the experience of a church court and excommunication. In preparation for the event, she wrote a letter to read at the court so that she would be able to say exactly what she wanted to say. The letter was so beautiful, so heartfelt, do courageous and honest, so touching, that I asked for her permission for me to share it here on my blog as well.

Enjoy!

*********

When I was informed a counsel was to be held concerning me, I spoke to others who have been through a similar experience due to similar actions. A common piece of advice, though importantly noted is that it was not the only piece of advice, was that I not attend this counsel as the end result would be the same regardless. Yet I want to sit before you, as your sister, someone you have known and loved for more than eight years. I could not allow this issue to be presented to you as an empty chair. It’s far more important, and far more personal, than that.

So here I sit before you because I have sexual relations with a woman. I have been having sexual intimacy with a woman since September of 2010 – 18 months ago – after ten years of consistent celibacy. This did not become counsel worthy until my current girlfriend, my second in this 18 months, happens to be married. We’ve been seeing each other for four months, and this relationship has become sexual. She is separated from her husband and is not yet divorced because they could not afford the fee to have the judge place his final stamp on the paperwork already under way. This is not a typical affair with a married woman as it is not in secret. In fact, not only is her husband completely aware of our relationship and the nature of it, but he is one of the biggest supporters of it. He has seen his wife, whom he loves deeply, struggle for 18 years, and sees her now finding happiness, joy, and fulfillment she could never accept from him. He celebrates and supports her happiness and fulfillment. So am I committing adultery? Maybe in part according to the dictionary. But would this outcome be any different if we waited until she is truly divorced, once the judge gives his final stamp? I’d still be having sexual relations with a woman. Because I do not have the luxury of waiting until she and I are married.

It would be so simple to make this an issue about sex, but I’m here, in part, to explain to you that it is much more than that. Many would like to make this an issue of selfishness, of base desires, of merely physical behaviors. Yet that is not what I seek in my relationships with others. I seek the same thing anyone else seeks: Love, companionship, connection, intimacy on a deep and spiritual level. And for some reason unknown to science and man, who will likely argue about cause forever more, I find these human needs met by women. Completely and utterly by women. Not because I desire to sin, not because I’m all about sex, not because I’m carnal and devilish. And absolutely not because I’m an abomination. Because that is how Sister Mack’s heart and soul work. After more than 25 years of trying to change it, modify it, manage it, and ignore it – through faith, prayer, fasting, temple attendance, and perfect obedience to every principle, through therapy, blessings, and support – all of the above and sheer will – nothing has changed what speaks to my heart and soul. Nothing has changed the fact that I feel compete, full, joyful, and yes, closer to the Lord and my true self, when I am having a close, complete, and intimate relationship with a woman. Though I never chose this, and find it utterly ridiculous to consider choosing such a difficult and dichotomous journey, I am gay, and despite my own best efforts and my greatest efforts in turning this over to the Lord, this isn’t changing. God is not removing my homosexuality from me.

The bishop asked when we last met if I thought I was somehow exempt from the laws of God. Tough question to answer because I in fact do not feel I am any more special than anyone else. In the least. And yet, that law of chastity, which applies to all of the Lord’s children, has a special part for me and the thousands like me who are homosexual. We are not required to wait until marriage like our straight brothers and sisters. We are asked to refrain for our entire lives. And not to only refrain from sexual contact, but the mere feelings. Read carefully and find that any homosexual behavior is an abomination. Any. I cannot flirt, date, hold hands, kiss. Because to do even the most basic of these human connection behaviors is not only a sin, but an abomination. So am I any different than my straight brothers and sisters? Absolutely. Am I more special? Given more tools? More strength? A ram in the thicket? Absolutely not. Yet, more is required of me. Of me, who has the same needs and desires, me who loves the Lord and the gospel. Am I exempt? No. Am I more special? No. And why then is more required of me? Perhaps just the very gravity of the difficulty need be considered. Perhaps just the utter impossibility of the position I am thus placed in need be truly considered. Because here I sit before you in a counsel and the outcome places me in a position of choosing my religion or choosing my need for human connection and meaningful relationship. Either decision leaves me with half a life. I cannot imagine my life without the full blessings of the gospel, living half a life. I cannot picture living my life once again impossibly celibate, empty, and deeply alone, living half a life.

When will these restrictions end for someone like me? When I choose to be empty and deeply alone? And when will that be okay with my soul? Will I then be free to participate in the gospel? When I’m unfulfilled and lonely? Because I don’t see that happening. Do you realize then that these restrictions placed on me are more or less permanent? I will never again take the sacrament, never again see the inside of a temple, never again serve the Lord in a calling. It’s not like you’re disciplining a straight person who can eventually marry the person they’re sinning with, keep having this amazing and sexual relationship, and suddenly be allowed back into full fellowship. From this seat it appears I will never have those blessings ever again. Because I have lived 45 years empty and lonely and I’m now making a choice for happiness and peace.

Yet the bishop said I need to be held accountable for my choices. I agree. Hold me accountable for my years of faithfulness, my faithfully fulfilling every calling that came my way, my intense and deep love of the Lord. Hold me accountable for obeying and applying each and every principle in my life – until recently excepting this one. Hold me accountable for sitting through a sacrament meeting where I am called a villain repeatedly from the pulpit and then staying with the church when so many leave. Hold me accountable for keeping my sensitive son active and returning when he hears in young mens that his mother is disgusting because she’s homosexual – and this from a respected and revered former bishop of this ward. Hold me accountable for teaching my children to love a church which does not accept me unless I ignore a huge part of who I am. Hold me accountable for encouraging my children to speak to their bishop about issues that may need some repenting, hoping and praying fervently that they are never treated the way I have been treated in the past. Hold me accountable for my living and breathing testimony of this gospel, which will never waiver, regardless of how I am treated, and regardless of the outcome of this counsel. Gays and lesbians are leaving this church in droves, feeling abused and rejected – because they indeed are abused and rejected. I continue and always will. Hold me accountable for that. And for the fact that I take my covenant and promise to not speak ill of the Lord’s anointed seriously, and I don’t and never will speak ill of this church or its leaders. Hold me accountable. And keep in mind that I am the one who came to you. I am the one who confessed my sins without being compelled to do so, because that is who I am. Hold me accountable. I am a good, honest, and deeply spiritual woman who loves the Lord with all my heart.

And yes, I mean spiritual. Last visit with the bishop he heard me share a spiritual experience with him and his response to me was, “You mean to tell me that you are committing adultery and having spiritual experiences?” as if to say I am now no longer granted spiritual experiences. I give a resounding “Absolutely” to the bishop’s question. This seems to fly in the face of what we’re taught all our lives. We sin, we lose the spirit. But I testify to you that I indeed feel the spirit, and often. I feel a burning in my bosom, I feel guided and directed in ways that are without question from the Lord. What does this mean? One of three things. 1) We’re taught wrong that sin will make the spirit depart. Doesn’t seem likely. 2) I am not committing sin, which I imagine you cannot accept. Or 3) the Lord is more merciful, kind, and loving to his gay and lesbian children in his gospel because he knows the impossible position in which we are placed. It’s that mercy, kindness, and love I pray you’ll be able to tap into. Perhaps I still feel the spirit because I am not making these choices because I am rebellious and proud. I am not being willfully disobedient, but merely so tired of my only path of righteousness leading to such emptiness.
You sit here before me with a decision to make. I’ve been called here because you fear I am falling away from the Lord and from His teachings. If that is indeed true, tell me the sense it makes to remove from me – likely permanently – the very tools I need to return to him, to stay close to him. If I am to remain close to him, I would likely need the sacrament, the priesthood, the temple, my garments, and opportunities to serve – in abundance. The Lord and Savior I love and cling to does not shun me and he does not push me away. Ever. He is ever near me, ever guiding me, ever loving me.

I love this gospel. I love the Lord. I love and know the Book of Mormon is true. I know Joseph saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and was a prophet of God. I know President Monson is a true prophet of God. I love the priesthood, know it is the power of God, and I honor it. And nothing will change this knowledge or belief. Know that without question, regardless of the outcome of this counsel, I will continue, as I always have, to endeavor to live my life by what I understand my Savior’s will for me to be.

I say all of this to you in the name of my Lord, Savior, and Brother, Jesus Christ, who I know loves me and accepts me without question.

*****

Amen, friend. Amen. God bless you. Thank you for letting your light shine and sharing your testimony and courage with the world.

Alternate Paths

I actually went to Sacrament meeting yesterday. The talk was on progression, specifically on eternal progression.

The speaker made tremendous effort to prevent feelings of guilt throughout her talk. She spoke of her own weaknesses, she spoke of trials, she spoke of how sometimes we fall off the path. And that is okay, because we can get back on the path to eternal life.

I wasn't offended by the meeting, and I really enjoyed seeing some friends and singing the hymns, but I realized that I really don't belong there any more.

The thought I had was that some people probably think I have fallen or am falling off the path. But even if I have, aren't I just on a different path? Some paths lead the some place, some paths lead to different places. If the path is a peaceful and happy one, then it seems that it would end up in a similar location. I really hope to find that peaceful path soon, because I am pretty sure it is not within the church.

My father-in-law referenced an article in Mormon Times recently, about a gay man that has joined the church and is happy living church standards, even though he has AIDS and previously lived the gay lifestyle. Scott's dad's comment was that "it can be done" as though anyone can do it. I was quick and firm to correct him. That might be the right path for some people. But just because it is right for and can be done by one person does not mean it is right and can be done by everyone. He also talked to me about the fact that there are still people in the church that are supportive of gay rights, and that are even activists. He was trying to tell me that I could do it too, but again, I tried to convince him that just because some can do it, doesn't mean everyone can, and that I think I've decided that is not the right path for me. At least not right now, and maybe never again. All I know is that I take life one day at a time, seeking peace for me and my children.

There has been interesting news lately confirming that the LDS church actually is losing a lot of members. (Duh!) Former church historian Marlin K. Jensen shared some of the details and concerns, as seen in this article from the Salt Lake Tribune, or this clip from an ABC4 news cast:



Here are comments from interviewees in the newscast that bothered me a bit. They really have no idea...

• "I'm from Chile, and down there a lot of people just stop attending. They take it a little bit too casual."
• "If people are leaving, I think it's really a mark that we all need to get deeper into our faith."
• "When life is going good, and we don't have as many challenges, sometimes we don't turn to God."
• "It does come down to us, as members of the church we need to go out there and do our part."

Most of the people I know that have left or are leaving have not taken leaving casually at all. I have been one of the LEAST casual. Also, I was one of the most faithful members I know, and I don't think I could have been any deeper into my faith. My life is good and challenge-free so I don't need God? HAHAHAHA! The last comment makes me think of how I know the church works with trying to reactivate. I used to do it! Me and my kids are tired of people saying "Where have you been?" or "We miss you." or "Why don't you come any more?" I really appreciate people that don't ask me that, and instead, ask me how I really am, and really try to be my friend.


Some of you might have seen this before, but here is a presentation by John Dehlin, founder of Mormon Stories Foundation, that talks about why people leave the LDS church and what friends and family can do. The problem I see with it is that the people who need it most are probably not willing to listen to it.



I'm hearing and learning of more and more people that are leaving because of historical facts they are finding on the internet. When Scott first shared some of these details with me, it did not affect my testimony, because I know that prophets are men and make mistakes (something with which my Stake President and many other TBMs fiercely disagree), I know that things change and evolve in the church as needed, and I have always had a strong testimony of things like Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon, and of course of God and Christ.

Rather than the historical controversies themselves, I am more bothered by the fact that the church is not honest with its history. By the fact that members are encouraged to follow the prophet over personal revelation, or rather the idea that we should seek personal revelation to see that something the church says or does IS true and right, rather than to find out IF it is true. The fact that Mormon parents try to hide things from their children, like the existance of gay people, and keep them in an environment of closed-mindedness instead of teaching and encouraging them to think for themselves and make their own decisions and mistakes.

And like something I recently discovered in my own ward--parents withholding priveleges from youth, like dating or driving, until the child has earned their eagle scout or young womanhood medalian. And worse yet, it was done at the recommendation of the Bishop!

The behavior of TBMs (True Believing Mormons) like Scott's sibblings that won't let him bring a date to family parties or let their children find out that Uncle Scott is gay, like next door neighbors that don't allow their children to play at my house, or like the situation I described in the above paragraph are doing much more harm to my staying in the church than any weird historical stories from church history. Maybe it is because of my love for youth, for the kids I teach at school, especially the ones in the GSA club, that these things bother me so much!

I am grateful for a mother that taught me by example to be open-minded, to question, to be self-motivated. I accomplished things like earning my Young Womanhood medalian or graduating from seminary because I wanted to, not because I was bribed or threatened. I'm not sure she is glad that she set that example, as she is really concerned right now with the path the children and I appear to be heading down with regards to the church. But I think that she is the reason I still have a testimony.

I've watched others that came from TBM homes that when they find out about church history and start to question, everything that they thought they once believed breaks into a million pieces. They are not able to hang on to any pieces of their testimony as a result, which is sad. I rejoice in my testimony of God, of a life after death, of my Savior and redeemer Jesus Christ. I still love passages from the book of Mormon that have brought so much peace and understanding and hope to my life for nearly 40 years. Where-ever my path may end up, I cannot imagine ever denying these aspects of my testimony that were once so strong. But I also do not judge those who don't believe, who find peace and happiness in other paths like atheism. At least I try not to judge them, but I know I still have work to do in that area. Which is a whole different blogpost entirely!

Gospel Principles = Happiness?

Today (actually, I guess it was yesterday) our home teacher came and gave us a short lesson about setting a good example. He is a great man and friend, and teaches things in a very humble but confident way, very down to earth. In his message he commented that someday someone might thank us for our example, for standing up for what we know is right. But that no one would ever thank us for doing the wrong thing. Like "thanks for drinking that beer last night" or "thank you for watching that inappropriate movie."

It seemed as though he was mostly talking to my teenagers, not because he thought they needed it, but just because it is a common topic of choice for youth.

But I couldn't help but question the word "never" in his examples. When he gave the beer example, my mind wandered to my New Year's celebration, and how my friends at my house seemed surprised and maybe proud of me that I was willing to try a sip of the champagne that Scott had brought (He pre-approved bringing it with me first, for you curious stalkers out there.) It is now normal for me to try a sip of whatever drink Scott has ordered when we are out to dinner somewhere. So far the only thing that I have liked at all has been a sangria at Applebees. Even then, though, I limited myself to the one sip and I have never desired more. I really can't stand the taste of anything else I have tried, and I hate the way it burns going down my throat. When I first started tasting his drinks, I still had a temple recommend, and I did not feel bad about it. But now that I realize I shall never again have a recommend, it would seem that nothing should stop me from partaking. At least that is how it is with Scott and many of my other friends. But I have no desire to feel the affects of alcohol or to do anything other than taste.

Later today at Scott's parent's house, I overheard a conversation between Scott's dad and a nephew that is preparing for a mission. I was in and out of the audible location of the conversation since I was packing up food I had brought so that my family would be ready to leave. At one point I heard him say "Following gospel principals always makes life easier." I don't know if it was because he became aware of me standing by him at the time, but he seemed to glance at me and say "at least it usually does."

I reponded with "I don't know about that. I was following gospel principles when all hell broke loose in my life."

To which he responded, "But it does make it easier to handle things that come into our lives."

I could have said more, but instead I walked away since I had the cake packaged up and was ready to go. It's moments like these that make me understand why Scott is so uncomfortable in the presence of his family, and why he has chosen not to come at all for the last seven months, other than dinner on Christmas Eve.

On the way home, I sort of processed my thoughts outloud with my daughter. Last week I went to Sacrament meeting and later to a fireside about the upcoming stake pioneer trek this summer, and I spent time crying as a result, with my typical messed-up recovery day on Monday. I ended up crying at lunch to my friends about my post-traumatic stress with listening to my Stake President speak. My active Mormon friends suggested that it was essential that I stop putting myself in that situation and that attending a different ward in a different stake might be a good option.

So I mentioned to my daughter that last weekend was hard on me because of my church attendance, but that today was wonderful with no church attendance. I was going to go because a couple of our neighbors were reporting on their missions, and in fact last week the kids and I had decided that we would all go, but the three oldest kids went while I stayed home with the younger two, the three of us suffering from a mild cold.

So, does following the principle of attending church meetings make life easier? For me and lots of other people I know, absolutely not. That even includes gay-friendly firesides, where the presiding leader gets up to give closing remarks, and knowing his audience, still talks about following the prophet and attending the temple. And that was not in my stake, so I'm not sure that attending somewhere else would be any better for me.

I apologized to my daughter for my being such a bad example (such as sipping champagne on New Years) and she said "You aren't a bad example. You are a good example." She has chosen (at the moment) to be active in the church, and it does not seem to be causing her any anxiety or changing the ways she views gay rights or our gay friends. She honors and recognizes my struggle and decisions regarding church attendance, and does not hold it against me in the least. And she smiled and said, "Be glad that all of this has kept you from becoming like the _________." (Insert name of an extremely righteous family in our ward with extrememly sheltered children.)

If gospel principles are just those outlined in the fourth article of faith, then that would be faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism, and gift of the holy ghost. I do the first two, and I've done the second two. I guess I don't repent of what others think I should repent of--like dissing the prophet on facebook (which was really more like dissing the gospel principles manual), and I guess I have not been attending Sacrament meeting very much lately to take the Sacrament and renew my baptismal covenants, but is all that being too technical? I still try to repent of things that I do that I realize are actually wrong, and right the wrong when possible.

Now that I've brought up the gospel principles manual, I believe that is more likely what my father-in-law means by gospel principles, including honesty and law of chastity and word of wisdom, etc, etc.

As I was processing with my daughter, I mentioned that most Mormons are way to picky about following all of the tiny guidelines with exactness, without deviation, firmly believing that is the only way to be happy.

But I am happier now that I've loosened up a bit with regards to Scott drinking, and by showing him that I really have with my sincere desire to taste-test. I believe it has helped to strengthen our friendship and our newly-defined relationship as co-parents and friends.

I am usually happier now that I don't attend all of my church meetings, other than a bit of guilt that comes from 37 years of regular church attendance.

Happier now that I have a broader view of life and religion and spirituality. (I've begun attending a class on "Integral Spirituality" at a Universal Unitarian church one evening a week.)

I believe that I continue to maintain values and beliefs that will keep me out of trouble and help me to be more happy in the long run, and I am teaching those to my children. In fact, we just decided last week to follow a weekly reading schedule in the Book of Mormon as outlined in the January issue of The Friend magazine.

But I have no idea exactly where the path I am on will end up, and at the moment, I am okay with that. (Who knows how I might feel about it tomorrow.)

Thanks for reading my ramblings, as usual. I wish I had time to post more often. Goodnight.

Trouble with an F that stands for Facebook

(I wrote this Sept. 4th during Sunday School, but I didn't post it until September 14th. Just an fyi about my changing the date on the post.)

A few weeks ago, my last post was about "separation", myself from some elements of the church, and Scott from his family. Instead of venting my views on gay marriage in Relief Society, I walked out and  vented on Facebook. Just a reminder of what I wrote:

"I have to say what I couldn't say in Relief Society. (Instead I walked out.) In my heart I know that my gay friends' marriages are approved by God. I've been in attendance at them and the feeling of happiness and hope was similar to attending a temple marriage. I don't give a sh* what the effin prophets say."

The following week, I was called into an appointment with the bishop. The topic: my Facebook vent. People in the ward are offended and concerned. The bishop thanked me for not saying it in Relief Society, and was also comforted when I explained that the only children on Facebook that can see my posts are my own children. He wanted to know why I posted that kind of thing. As I told him that I cannot be quiet on the gay marriage issue, he just continued to ask why. I left his office saying, "take my temple recommend. Excommunicate me. But I will not be quiet on this issue."

I went home and posted on Facebook about being in trouble with the bishop. Comments of comfort came from many of my friends. Then came a message from a ward friend who has since moved away. His comment made me feel like filth, pure evil. It sunk me into a fit of depression and self deprecation, making the afternoon of my first day of teaching school very difficult:

I considered letting your bishop know, but decided I'd talk to you before I did and never got around to it. You dissed the Prophet in public. I can't see how you can keep a temple recommend in good conscience after doing so. It doesn't matter what terms you used or if you used actual swear words. Your beliefs are your beliefs, however you come by them and I'll say nothing against that. Indeed, having the courage of your convictions is an honorable thing to strive for.

But temples are owned and operated by an organization pledged to honor and support the prophets. Even if you doubt their sacred nature, you should, at a minimum, respect the owners of the place enough to honor the rules of entry. Those rules are simple enough, but include support of the prophet as a basic and fundamental requirement. That's a requirement you no longer fit under any reasonable definition.

I'm sorry if it hurts to hear that. Feel free to unfriend me if you wish. But, like you, I believe in having the courage of your convictions, even in public, and even if the price is dear.

Later, gay friends attacked this friend. It was well-intentioned, but made me uncomfortable. I made this last response, then deleted the whole thread so that the bashing would stop.

 Thank you both for your honesty. I've put some privacy restrictions in force so that people can't see what I post, unless I want them to. I needed a place to be uncensored that day, without restraint. I realized that my comment would come across to many as offensive, but I did not mean it the way it sounds. The expletives ended up in a place of disrespect, and I'm maybe 10% sorry for that, but I still chose to do it because it was venting amongst friends, friends that know me, know my testimony, and know that I was just voicing my frustration over words from a manual (aka "prophets" is what I used). It does not mean that I do not respect and view prophets as such. It just reflects my view that leaders of the church are not perfect and do not always speak for god. If the bishop  asks me for my recommend, or "deactivates" the bar code or whatever, I will understand. But if it is up to me to give it up, then I won't, because I know what is in my heart and what my words meant and I do not feel that it makes me any less worthy than temple recommend holders who judge me harshly for my words on a semi-private forum.

The friend, however, assumed I only blocked him so that he could not see the ensuing conversation bashing him. The next day, as I was driving to an appointment with my therapist, this former ward member sent me a scathing private Facebook message, then unfriended me. It made me very sad, and I was calmed by later chatting with his wife.

**********************************************************

Meanwhile, following a letter than Scott sent his family, one of his family members decided to unfriend us both on Facebook. I sent this person a message to try to understand the situation better, and I didn't hear back. So a week or so later, I text messaged the person to see if they received my other message, to which the answer was yes, but they wanted to talk instead of message. Dang. This was not one of those times that I wanted to talk in person, but I said okay, although that I wasn't strong enough emotionally to discuss it right then.

A couple of weeks passed, and even though I still didn't feel like discussing it over the phone, I really felt like we needed to resolve it. So Saturday night I contacted the person and we decided to talk Sunday morning during my Sunday school class because our church schedules conflicted. This was the same Sunday that later in the day I was called into the bishop's office for my Facebook status the previous week.

So we talked, and the person explained that they unfriended us because they were tired of the drama, and that they felt if the tables were turned, that Scott and I would not have been able to handle and accept any more than they have been able. Upon further discussion of trying to understand each other, I became very emotional, as I was afraid I would, and so let them know that I needed to end the conversation, and we parted the phone call amicably.

But I was no longer in the mood to endure my last church meeting, especially a lesson on eternal families. So after I played the opening hymn, I left Relief Society and sat in the hall, half listening, half chatting with a gay friend that has moved away.

So then later, after talking to the bishop, I was frustrated with my ward Facebook friends, and frustrated with Facebook in general, and for some reason I decided to post that if anyone had seen me upset at church, it was because of a conversation with someone in Scott's family, and not because of them at that point.

So then, the next day, I was recovering from the first day of school and depression from the Facebook comment mentioned at the beginning of this post, when I received a text from the family member I had spoken to the day before, chewing me out for mentioning it on Facebook, because now other members of the family were asking questions. That was enough to sink me into a state of insanity during which I could not stop crying and I wished I was dead. The children freaked out too, obviously, at the sight of my fit, and contacted Scott to come help.

I found out a few days later, that my daughter sent some angry messages to this family about accepting Scott. She was concerned about me and needed to vent, but of course that brought on more harm than good.
 

Since then, all has been quiet. Other than a few chats with a couple of Scott's sisters that have reached out in concern for me, I have not really talked to his family, nor them to me. I need a break from them for a while, and probably vice versa. I have tried to be more polite on Facebook, and have considered getting rid of it completely from my life. Meanwhile, I continue to attend church, but I can see repurcussions of what happened a couple of weeks ago with the children, as they seem to have less desire to be involved with church and extended family.

Separation

Separation has been good to us. Scott and I have both grown and found happiness in so many ways by increasing the distance between us. Last night we went to dinner to celebrate our upcoming 16th wedding anniversary. It was pleasant as we enjoyed a wonderful meal together, chit chatting about miscellaneous things as well as updating each other on how our lives are going, especially on how everything is going financially as we have been working on getting new, separate accounts and dividing debts and bills.

I know that a lot of outside people looking in feel bad for me. Many of them blame Scott, from mild disappointment to outright "he is consumed by evil spirits" judgement. But the hard part has not been the change in my relationship with Scott--most of that actually happened last summer when he moved downstairs. (Our 15th anniversary was much more difficult for me than our 16th will be.) The hardest part is the change that has come over the past year with extended family. I gave the book "Gay Mormons?" to all of our siblings and to our parents for mother's day. One of my siblings (and spouse) told my parents that they did not plan to read it at all. That spurred on a conversation between them and me that ended with me saying that I didn't want to talk until they were willing to read and learn and talk about the elephant in the room. Things have obviously been very quiet and awkward between us ever since. Meanwhile, in Scott's family, some family members that were accepting at first have become unacceptable, some that have been quiet have remained quiet, and some that were making great efforts have now hit an impassible brick wall.

What is the impassible brick wall? Church "doctrine". Doctrines like the word of wisdom and the family proclamation, "scriptural" quotes like "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God." For a year or a bit more, since Scott started dating guys and drinking occasionally, he has been very uncomfortable hanging out around his family. They have treated him nicely and made every effort to appreciate and include him, so they don't understand why it isn't enough.

Two or three weeks ago he wrote them a letter telling them that he is done associating with them unless they are willing and able to make changes to how they act and feel about our situation. The straw that broke the camel's back was his brother's unwillingness to tell his daughters (ages 10 and 13) about "Uncle Scott". There was a family BBQ while this brother and his family were in town, and Scott refused to attend. I expressed to my in-laws that I did not want to have to answer everyone's "Where is Scott?" question. So the brother sat down with his girls and told them that Scott and I are separated and getting divorced, to which the girls asked why, and the parents lied and said, "We don't know exactly. Things like this happen sometimes."

Scott was livid, and thus he wrote a letter. (Maybe I will get his permission to post it, or ask him to put it on his blog.) He and I talked about it again last night over dinner, because I have been with his family enough to know how much they are hurting from missing him, and how helpless they feel. They are at such a loss for how to handle it and what to do. I've told them a lot of things about how Scott is feeling, but I really don't know how to help if they are convinced that the church is never wrong. And part of me wishes that he could just let their disappointment roll off his back and continue to associate with them anyway.

But he helped me last night to understand. I am not him and cannot personally feel the pain he is feeling, but if he says distance from his family is a necessity for him, how can I judge that? His comment to me about it last night was, "Until they agree that the church is wrong with the gay issue, I cannot be around them, because regardless of how much they say they love me, there will always be a "but..."

I still feel like church is the place for me to be. I have good friends there. I have opportunities to learn and grow from interactions (and help others to do the same.) But of course my feelings for the church and my place within it are up and down, and I have realized that there is no way I can predict where my church attendance and membership will end up. I sit through the lessons, occasionally touched by a sentence or a feeling here or there, but trying not to be hurt or offended by things that could easily hurt me, like the last few lessons on eternal marriage. (One of the teachers said she couldn't get me out of her mind while preparing her lesson and hoped that she had been able to teach it without it being too hard on me. The worst part was realizing that when she said "some of us marry goobers" that she was thinking of Scott as a "goober." I do not blame her for her good intentions, but I do get tired of people making Scott out to be the "bad guy.")

So there I was today, doing my best to recognize that the correlated lesson material comes from the church, quotes from church leaders etc., in which many members place their unquestioning faith. The lesson today was on the law of chastity, and the following quote was read:

Like other violations of the law of chastity, homosexual behavior is a serious sin. Latter-day prophets have spoken about the dangers of homosexual behavior and about the Church’s concern for people who may have such inclinations. President Gordon B. Hinckley said:

“In the first place, we believe that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. We believe that marriage may be eternal through exercise of the power of the everlasting priesthood in the house of the Lord.

“People inquire about our position on those who consider themselves so-called gays and lesbians. My response is that we love them as sons and daughters of God. They may have certain inclinations which are powerful and which may be difficult to control. Most people have inclinations of one kind or another at various times. If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church. If they violate the law of chastity and the moral standards of the Church, then they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others are.

“We want to help these people, to strengthen them, to assist them with their problems and to help them with their difficulties. But we cannot stand idle if they indulge in immoral activity, if they try to uphold and defend and live in a so-called same-sex marriage situation. To permit such would be to make light of the very serious and sacred foundation of God-sanctioned marriage and its very purpose, the rearing of families” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1998, 91; or Ensign, Nov. 1998, 71).

So, sitting through that bunk was hard enough, but then the first words out of the teacher's mouth after the quote was read was something having to do with following the prophet.

I got up and walked out. I was calm. But I knew if I stayed, I wouldn't stay calm, and I would either turn into a pile of mush, or I would say what was on my mind. Either option would not be pretty or appropriate for the meeting. Walking out was the better option. The Relief Society president followed me. She tried to hug me and said she was sorry that the lesson was hard on me. I responded that I could not deny support of my gay friends to marry. She shrugged and said something about church doctrine or teachings or something. I told her I was alright and just had to leave the situation for a bit. Then I left her and went outside and took a walk around the building. Then I came inside and took another walk around the inside air-conditioned building. I needed/wanted to go back, but I had to get it out of my system first. Should I call Scott? No... I know! I will post it on Facebook. That way people in the ward will even see it. Family will see it. And they will see where my loyalties lie: with love, with God, and with my friends.

Here is my post:
"I have to say what I couldn't say in Relief Society. (Instead I walked out.) In my heart I know that my gay friends' marriages are approved by God. I've been in attendance at them and the feeling of happiness and hope was similar to attending a temple marriage. I don't give a sh* what the effin prophets say."

With that post and resulting accolades from LGBTQ friends and allies, I was reminded of three years ago when my struggle was to understand God's position on gay rights. I kept praying and praying, and the answer finally came from my patriarchal blessing: "You have been given the talent to believe and accept truth." As I think of that again today, I feel confidently that God was and is telling me to trust my heart. If I believe that he approves of gay marriage, and I accept that belief, and I have a talent for accepting truth, then logically it must be truth.

I'm not sure this fits in this blog post, but another thing that occurred to me recently is that maybe leaders and general conference talks are pushing the topic of "Following the prophet. Follow your inspired leaders." because someday many church members may have a hard time following and agreeing with new church policies regarding homosexuals. Who knows? :)

Troubled

My thoughts are jumbled, but there is a feeling of conflict and unrest within my heart.

I've been at peace with church attendance for about a year now.

(A little background info--I took a break for a few months early in 2010, and before that, attending church was a struggle, laced with fear and panic attacks since my year-long stint as primary president in 2006. I had intense traumatic experiences with the bishop and others in the ward even prior to Scott's coming out in 2008 and the subsequent additional trauma that ensued with our church leaders and others. Nevertheless, my testimony was strong, so I endured the discomfort and continued to attend and fulfill various callings until my "break".)

But today I really struggled with being at church. I tried to seek the spirit in prayer, specifically during the sacrament ordinance. But I felt nothing, and my mind wandered to the experience of our third pride celebration last Sunday as we walked in the parade with the Utah Gay Father's Association. The euphoria and chills I experienced as the crowds of people along the parade route cheered on the fathers (some with, some without their children) was much more powerful than the "nothing" I felt at church today, and I desperately wanted to feel something. Where is my testimony going?

The talks in Sacrament meeting were good. They were on missionary work, but focused on unconditional love and not judging others. The theme continued in Sunday School as we discussed some key parables in the new testament, and loving and serving others came up several times. I really allowed my mind to wander as the relief society lesson focused on obedience, and it seemed that not many others were really paying attention either, because there were very few comments and little discussion.

After church as I was conversing with Scott, he mentioned that there was an article in this month's Ensign magazine encouraging members to do all they can to promote family. I found the article and read it. Gay marriage was not specifically mentioned, but was strongly alluded to. I only read through the article once, and trying to put a positive spin on it, I allowed myself to think about the fact that I am all for strengthening and promoting family, and that I wanted to re-read the article and find the good in it.

Various friends on facebook, however, were discussing the flaws of the article, and I realized that they were probably right. That the article was written with the gay marriage battle in mind, and that my enjoyable participation in the pride festival last week places me as one who is calling evil good and good evil, one who is in the great and spacious building. (At least according to the article...)

Then mix with that with an article in the deseret news today about how gay-rights activists ask for tolerance, but are not tolerant of those on the other side of the issue. Then the tony awards tonight, (so many awesome moments with Neil Patrick Harris!) and the success of the "Book of Mormon" Musical. Then there are my feelings from reading part of "Goodbye, I love you" by Carol Lynn Pearson today, and my emotions and thoughts are just so jumbled and confused and troubled right now.

Where do I stand with the church? Where do I stand with gay rights? Where is my life heading with regards to these two things? Can they continue to co-exist without tearing me apart? And all of this with trying to support my family--my kids and my best friend (aka legal husband). We are doing our damn best to make family the center of our lives, in the middle of chaos called life, and then an article about family in the Ensign puts us on the "evil" side of the issue, when it is the church's teaching on family and its influence on Scott's youth that has us where we are in the first place!

If I despise gay rights, then I am not taking care of my family. Scott and I would not get along, and my children would not have the stable situation right now with both of their parents raising them together. If I despise gay rights, then I am denying what is in my heart.

But if I embrace gay rights, I am the evil one, the deceived and worldly spacious building-dweller. I am the enemy to family and society.

No wonder I feel nothing at church any more. The constant battle is taking its toll, and it has been just a bit too much for me to handle today.

I'm sure this troubled feeling is momentary. Maybe the coming week will bring moments of clarity for me, and all will again be well.

I hope.

Charity

The lesson in Relief Society last week was on charity. We have a new teacher who is  down to earth and sincere, and I really enjoyed her presentation of the lesson.

When she began the lesson, I opened it up on my cell phone, skimmed it through, and then set my phone down to listen. As I listened, the words I skimmed from the last portion of the written lesson stayed clear in my mind, and I felt like I might want to comment when we began discussing that portion. I don't tend to comment in relief society any more because when I feel like I have something worth saying, it usually contradicts what I assume is the majority view in the room.

The first paragraph of the lesson is a summary, and it says:

"The life of the Savior reflects His pure love for all people. He even gave His life for us. Charity is that pure love which our Savior Jesus Christ has. He has commanded us to love one another as He loves us. The scriptures tell us that charity comes from a pure heart (see 1 Timothy 1:5). We have pure love when, from the heart, we show genuine concern and compassion for all our brothers and sisters."

The last part of the lesson talks about loving all people, even if we don't approve of something about them.

"Even when we give to those in need, unless we feel compassion for them we do not have charity (see 1 John 3:16-17). The Apostle Paul taught that when we have charity we are filled with good feelings for all people. We are patient and kind. We are not boastful or proud, selfish or rude. When we have charity we do not remember or rejoice in the evil others have done..."

"The Savior was our example of how to feel toward and treat others. He despised wickedness, but He loved sinners in spite of their sins..."

Toward the end of the lesson, after another sweet sister expressed that charity includes not judging others for any reason, I felt like I should comment, and I raised my hand. I started by saying I hoped I could express myself appropriately, but that experiences in my life with my friends over the last couple of years had taught me that there is really no such thing as "love the sinner, but hate the sin." In order to truly love someone, we need to overlook the things we don't approve of. That doesn't mean we need to embrace those things ourselves, but it is usually best not to lecture people about what we believe they are doing wrong. In most cases they already know how we feel. I became slightly emotional as I mentioned that if I had not learned to embrace this attitude, that the current state of my family and daily life for my children would be much more difficult.

The teacher thanked me for my comment and moved on. I'm sure there are people who do not agree with me, that would rather follow the advice from church leaders that we have a responsibility to call our brothers and sisters to repentance. That is apparently how we truly show our love for them. But I have to disagree, and I hope my comment helped others to think about the gray area of showing true charity.

I am not ashamed

This past Saturday I attended a temple session for the first time in at least 18 months. I've had a recommend for two months, but I've been afraid to go. Of course being out of the habit and working full time with five children doesn't help. Then also there was the tragedy of the night I took my children to do baptisms in December. With that experience, and with the focus of "eternal marriage" in the endowment ceremony, I was kind of worried about how hard it might be on me.

Then, during the week, I engaged in a contentious discussion on Facebook with Scott and a couple of sisters in my ward. My resulting anger made me feel unworthy to attend the stake temple day on the coming Saturday. I messaged the sister that I planned to go with and told her that I might not feel like I should go. She responded okay, but that maybe Satan was just working really hard on me because he knew I was planning to go, and so going was really exactly what I needed to do. I had prayed for forgiveness of my thoughtless words (not for my opinion, but for how immature I was in my reaction to their opinions), and sent messages of apology to the two Facebook friends. I received a forgiving message back from one of them that made me feel okay about my planned temple trip again.

The day of, I was not nervous or tempted not to go, and I looked forward to it. I carpooled with a good friend whose husband, of his own choice, doesn't have a recommend. First we attended a special meeting for our stake in the chapel, where the temple president and matron spoke.

He spoke of a man who stopped going to church at age 15. For forty years he had nothing to do with the church. All of his children and wife were inactive.

Then a daughter-in-law had them go to the Draper temple open house. While they were there in the celestial room he heard a voice say, calling him by name, "come back." He pulled his wife aside and asked her, "will you come to sacrament meeting with me tomorrow?" He now serves as an ordinance worker.

The temple president promised that if we attend the temple once a week, (rotating through the different ordinance work) our problems will be significantly lightened.

During the session I felt peaceful and happy. I did not feel guilty or unworthy. Words in the ceremonies that seem to contradict my opinions on gay rights did not frustrate me or make me feel conflicted. I had a feeling that there is a bigger picture that has not yet been revealed, and that for now I don't need to stress about what that bigger picture is. But I am in the right place, continuing to attend church and the temple and seeking for that which is good, doing the best I can to keep promises I have made in the temple. It was good to be reminded of those.

In one of the Facebook messages that was sent to me following the aforementioned discussion, my friend quoted that she is not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ, and will therefore stand up for it anytime she has the chance.

I nearly responded that I am not ashamed of the gospel either (but I decided to leave it alone). However, I am also not afraid to stand up for gay rights. I just put a new equality sticker on my mini-van. And this time it is not a magnet that someone can remove while my van is parked in the church parking lot. :)

In God's Hands

Testimony meeting today focused on baptism and basic gospel principles, gratitude for the gospel and temple. We had a convert baptism yesterday, confirmation today. There was also a family in the ward that baptized a child yesterday.

I left the chapel right after the sacrament to go to the "mother's" room to feed the baby. It was the perfect seat for the meeting: a cushy rocker, Sebastian snuggled against me asleep, no other children to distract me, clear sound from the microphone piped into the room. The words of each testimony touched me and lifted me up.

My current bishop spoke of a time when he was not active, of leaders coming to his home and inviting him to church. He had attended as a child, but then he wanted nothing to do with it. A miracle occurred, and he suddenly saw the light that everyone was trying to tell him of, that he had never seen before. And somehow everything came together and made sense and had to be true. And now he rejoices in seeing others find that same light and truth.

The stake patriarch (our bishop when we first moved in this ward) spoke of spending the day in the temple yesterday, filling gaps in his and his wife's families (aka sealings) that should have been done long ago. He spoke of a temple worker that said Satan likes to see us worrying. We will do much better if we can stop worrying and put everything in God's hands and have faith that things will work out.

Many spoke of Gods love, how he loves each of us so much individually. He is aware of our struggles and everything going on in our lives. He loves us no matter what we've done or where we are in our journeys.

A child spoke of attending a friend's baptism yesterday. I thought about the child. He is usually happy and always helpful. My boys and nephew walk home from school with him. When I pick them up, while my boys are fighting over who gets to sit where, this child gives up his seat to make someone else happy. When my nephew was having a bad day and decided to walk, this neighbor child volunteered to walk with him to let him through the shortcut in his yard. He carried the nephew's science fair project home for him this past week. At age 9, he is an amazing example of kindness and service.

My heart is full of gratitude today for my neighbors and friends in our ward. Not all of them handled Scott's coming out very well. But they are inherently good people, and I think many of them have learned from the experience with Scott and are better because of it.

In Sunday school we talked about Christ's example and teachings about loving and serving others.

We discussed how God works with bad things in our lives to make us or our circumstances actually better in the long run, whether the bad things are results of our choices or just things that happen.

The bishop commented about how far ahead he thought he would be if he had come back to church sooner. But we discussed how having that experience made him the understanding man that he is, because he's been there.

My brother and his wife went through a tough time a few years back, and they are struggling with their children now, which I feel is at least somewhat a result of the other thing. But my sister-in-law says that she now has the husband she had always wanted as a result of their trial.

Days like today make me feel like there is hope that someday Scott will come back to  the church and/or me and our marriage. I've told him that, and he cannot see that ever happening. I mentioned it to one of our friends, and he also became concerned that I was putting hope in something that is very unlikely. But for some reason, the spirit keeps putting it in my head, whether for some sort of comfort that I need right now (and that my children need), or because God knows all things from beginning to end.

All I can do is remember that my life is in God's hands, and that He will help me make the best of what I've got.

I've been dreading the upcoming holiday, "single-awareness day," some call it. But I am trying to think of it as "children appreciation day," and I'm working on obtaining the perfect gift for each of them. I love to doorbell-ditch gifts for them on the porch, the same way my mother did for me. Maybe I will take them all to dinner, too. The spaghetti factory would be great. And since it's Monday, and Scott has not yet found his special someone with whom to share the day, maybe he will join us, and it will be perfect.

I made a wish list before Christmas, and one item was a "mother's ring" to replace my wedding ring. So that is what Scott gave me for my birthday last month. It required resizing, and I just got it back yesterday, so today is the first day I've been able to enjoy wearing it. I found myself staring at it at church, showing it to some of my friends (same way I did with my engagement ring almost 16 years ago), and while doing so feeling extremely grateful for my five precious children, and so many other incredible blessings in my life.

God's wisdom

I've always wondered about a main element in the history of the world in the church. Every time I have attended the temple, I have wondered...

If obedience is so important, then why did God command Adam and Eve to NOT eat of the fruit, but then their transgression was essential for the rest of us in the plan of salvation. Why would he give them a commandment that they were required to disobey?

In the book of Mormon, we read:

24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things. (2 Nephi chapter 2).

A girl in my ward who recently returned from a mission bore her testimony today, focusing on this scripture, and how it is her favorite (and was throughout her mission) because it tells us we don't need to worry. God is in charge, and as long as we do the best we can, things will work out.

Her words touched my heart, both for my own life and for the future of the church.

I know many, many people who have recently resigned from the church because of the gay issue.

But I have faith that God knows what he is doing, and that all will be made right.

Look at this...

I read the scriptures before and after verse 24.

22 And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.
23 And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.
24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.
25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy. 

So, is the "fall" of so many individuals right now also part of God's plan? Is it His wisdom to let these things happen so that men, all men (and women) regardless of their sexual orientation, might have joy?

Lots to ponder. The spirit was strong in my mind and heart today, filling me with faith and prompting me to share my own testimony with my children, that I do know the gospel is true, and that I know Heavenly Father is wise and has allowed things to happen and that everything will be right and good.

And so I keep doing the best I can, allowing my faith to grow every time the spirit touches my heart like this. It helps me get through the tough things...like still needing to face the stake president to get my temple recommend signed. :)

The Holy Ghost

I've never been very good at seeking answers to prayers. When I pray to make a specific decision, I usually don't feel a confirmation one way or the other, so I end up telling God that I'm going to do such and such and to let me know somehow if that is the wrong thing to do.

But I do (or I did) know what the holy ghost feels like. I have had some strong spiritual experiences where I have felt like the spirit was testifying something to me, and I was just sure of it.

Such was the case two years ago when I prayed to reconcile my personal gut feeling on gay marriage with what the church teaches. It took a while, but the answer finally came loud and clear. I'm not sure how to explain this, but I didn't get the answer as to whether gay marriage is really okay in the eyes of God, but I did feel that it was His will that I support it so that I could truly understand and empathize with the struggles of gay members of the church.

And so I've stuck to that answer and cannot deny that it is truly what my Heavenly Father wanted me to feel.

But some individuals do not believe it is possible for me to have received that revelation. They believe that I have mistaken the answer somehow and that it must be coming instead from the adversary. One of the talks in a recent stake conference was on personal revelation, and the speaker emphasized the idea from Elder Oaks's recent talk in general conference that personal revelation cannot contradict what the leaders of the church are saying.

Today in relief society the lesson was on the holy ghost. The question was asked by the teacher, how do you know when you are feeling the holy ghost? I do not even attempt to voice my opinion in relief society any more. But especially on this subject I must take a back seat. I thought I knew what the holy ghost felt like, but if revelation I've received on gay issues is from Satan rather than from God, then I must have absolutely no idea what the holy ghost feels like or how to receive personal revelation.

So why even bother trying anymore? That's what I think. Everything I've ever felt or believed with all my heart to be true could just be a lie.

But I don't think it is. I'm pretty darn sure that God lives, that Christ lives and died for me, and that the gospel of Jesus Christ as taught by the Mormons is true.

But I am also sure of the position I am to take with regards to gay issues, and that I have a responsibility that I need to continue to pursue with the gay community.

And that makes church attendance and faith in the teachings of my leaders as hard as ever. I still wonder what the future will bring. Will I leave the church eventually? Will I come back in full force and truly "see the light" and believe every word? Or will I continue to stay agonizingly in the middle, unable to deny any of the things that I believe that the holy ghost has told me are true. Things that many believe are in direct conflict with each other.

No idea. But it makes me blah, that's for sure.