Rising above intolerance

The name of the club I supervise is RAIN--rising against intolerance now.

So, I have a question...

How do we do that? The students in the club as well as any of us?

The question came up in my mind as I sat in Sunday School, sort of listening to the topic of Christ's miracles going on in the background....

Meanwhile....err...um...me catching up on Facebook. I found this on the wall of a gay friend. He was very angry. He quoted a comment to a Deseret News article about legislation going on at the state capital. It shows an ignorant attitude of intolerance, and is very disturbing.

"Whether by choice or biology, gays have opted out of the child-rearing game. Gay adoption makes no sense.

"True love is defined by God as heterosexuality. May his mercy and love shine like a rainbow on those struggling with sexual perversion (i.e. addiction). Homosexuality is defined by sex. Heterosexuality is defined by God."

Horrible misunderstanding. My friend has every right to be angry, but does it do any good? Does it do more harm than good to post about his anger on facebook?

Maybe rising against intolerance should change to rising above intolerance. Satan is laughing at this battle because both sides are so angry. The contention withdraws the spirit, forces precious souls to leave the church for the sake of their own sanity, affects families and parents and siblings and children. To me, rising above intolerance means that it has to start with each of us individually. We have to be tolerant of those who are not tolerant of us. We have to replace anger with compassion. The only way things are going to change and people will learn is if they see the LGBT population doing good, serving the community, making a good name for themselves instead of just reacting with anger. There are many that ARE doing that, but it is the angry and protesting ones that make the news.

What if instead of protests, service projects are organized, media called and encouraged to report on it.

What if instead of lashing out, we forgive them, pray for our enemies and help to educate them. Many do not mean to sound hateful, they are honestly speaking out of fear for what they do not understand. Let's seek opportunities to help them see and understand.

More easily said than done, I know.

Lately I have been trying more and more to stand up for Mormons. When I hear LGBT groups bashing Mormons, I have not hesitated to say "I am a Mormon, and yet I am on your side." Sometimes I tell them more. Like "my in-laws are very active Mormons and they allowed our gay friends to get 'married' in their beautiful back yard." I have been amazed at my Mormon sister, my Mormon co-workers, some of my Mormon friends in my ward that are willing to listen to me and my opinions. And even though on occasion they kindly remind me that they do not share my opinions on gay marriage, they are still willing to open their hearts and listen to me without judgment.

And yet I know too well how much the words of outspoken and ignorant and intolerant Mormons hurt, especially when they come from someone in a position of authority. These people need our prayers and forgiveness, even when we think they don't deserve it. They are also God's children, and our anger toward them hurts no one but ourselves as bitterness poisons our hearts.

Any thoughts on how everyone can try to peacefully make progress with the religious community, and rise above the intolerance that comes from such?

Utah GSAs

I've tried to keep information about the gay-straight alliance at my school on a different blog, to help with student privacy issues that others at my school were concerned about. But the club is alive and well, the officers are awesome, and more importantly, similar clubs at other schools throughout Utah are blossoming.

Here are links to a couple of news articles, if you've missed them. Text for the articles is listed below them so that when they archive them, I still have them. :)

Salt Lake Tribune
http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/home/50845394-76/gay-clubs-utah-county.html.csp

New York Times:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/us/02utah.html?_r=1&ref=erikeckholm



By Rosemary Winters

The Salt Lake Tribune
First published Dec 17 2010 07:09PM
Updated Dec 20, 2010 09:28AM

Stetson Sheffield aimed to create a safe space for himself and others at Clearfield High as he started his senior year at a new school.

Chantel Bleazard wanted to stick up for her gay and transgender peers at Tooele High.

Struck by the loss of a friend, Mario Ramirez, a Bonneville High senior, hoped he could help prevent other gay teen suicides in his community outside Ogden.

They are just three of the dozens of students who have launched gay-straight alliance (GSA) clubs at Utah high schools. This year, the number of such clubs has nearly tripled in the Beehive State, growing from 10 in 2009-10 to 27, from St. George to Logan, according to the Utah Pride Center’s GSA Network. Students are working to open additional clubs next year at schools in Pleasant Grove, Vernal, Grantsville, Sandy and South Jordan.

“These GSAs are wonderful, safe, open and affirming environments where young people can just be who they are,” says Valerie Larabee, Utah Pride Center executive director. “That’s a rare space for some youth, particularly in a conservative, religious state.”

She credits the expansion of gay-straight clubs both to the support offered to students by the 1-year-old GSA Network — including help crafting by-laws — and to a “softened” climate in Utah for the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) community.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints’ endorsement of Salt Lake City’s adoption of anti-discrimination protections for gay and transgender people in November 2009 was a turning point, Larabee says. The church opposes gay marriage and teaches that same-sex relationships are sinful, but has grown increasingly vocal in urging compassion toward LGBT individuals and condemning their mistreatment.

“Across the board, I think it has allowed more public dialogue about our issues,” Larabee says.

Until now, the expansion of gay-straight alliances has been sluggish in Utah.

The first alliance debuted at Salt Lake City’s East High in 1995, prompting the school district to shut down all non-curricular clubs, a move that led the American Civil Liberties of Utah to file two lawsuits on behalf of students. In October 2000, Salt Lake City School District reinstated all nonacademic clubs, including East’s GSA, and the ACLU dropped its litigation.

Controversy sparked again when Provo High approved a GSA for 2005-06, a first for Utah County. As a result, the Utah Legislature passed a school clubs law in 2007 that forbids clubs from discussing sexual activity outside of legally recognized marriages or contraception. The law also requires parental permission slips for membership in all secondary school clubs.

“I would rather not see [gay-straight alliances in schools], but it’s not up to me,” says Sen. Chris Buttars, the West Jordan Republican who sponsored the 2007 law after repeated attempts to quash GSAs. “It’s up to the principal and the parents. That’s who should make decisions about these kids.”

Buttars says he has no plans for further legislation directed at student clubs.

The 1984 Equal Access Act, which requires that schools that receive federal funding give all noncurricular clubs equal access to school resources, and the First Amendment both protect students’ right to establish free-speech forums, whether or not school administrators agree with the subject matter, says Darcy Goddard, legal director of the ACLU of Utah.

Despite clarity in federal law and many court decisions, Goddard says she still runs into instances where students are being blocked from forming gay-straight alliances.

Last spring, GSAs were approved at four Washington County School District high schools after the ACLU alerted the district that its own content-neutral club application was not being uniformly used by schools.

“We had been told there was some resistance in the schools,” says Kelly Blake, president of the Washington school board. “[Homosexuality] goes against the morals of the community.”

But, he adds, “as a board, we looked into what these clubs really do, and what they teach is tolerance.”

In July, Tooele County School District approved a GSA at Tooele High — a first for the district — after the application process stalled for much of the 2009-10 school year over whether the club should be allowed to have the word “gay” in its title. Goddard, in a letter to the superintendent, insisted censoring the club’s name would violate federal law and the First Amendment.

“If it wasn’t for the ACLU, we probably still, to this day, would not have it approved,” says Bleazard, the 17-year-old president of the Tooele High GSA. “It’s been a really positive thing for our school to kind of open up its mind. … We still have a lot of work to do because a lot of the kids are scared to join it.”

The gay-straight clubs, which offer social and service-oriented activities, promote safe school climates for all students, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. The groups may tackle issues such as anti-gay bullying and suicide prevention.

Last year, 85 percent of LGBT students in middle and high school experienced verbal harassment at school, according to a nationwide survey of 7,621 teens by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN). Nearly one in five said they had been punched, kicked or injured with a weapon because of their sexual orientation.

Students at schools with a gay-straight alliance were less likely to hear homophobic remarks from their peers and more likely to feel a sense of belonging, according to the report.

In January, Sheffield and members of the Clearfield High Gay-Straight Alliance plan to tackle the term “that’s so gay,” which teenagers often use to describe things they don’t like, in a video skit for the school. The group hopes to raise awareness that the term is hurtful.

At a recent club meeting, Sheffield asked members of the GSA to question stereotypes.

“What is a stereotypical lesbian?” he asked. “What is a stereotypical Mormon?”

Students shared their own experiences of being stereotyped and of seeing through labels they had placed on others.

“You guys need to be the champions of diversity,” adviser Jenny Williams, an English teacher, told the students. “You need to be the ones who accept others first.”

***********************

A version of this article appeared in print on January 2, 2011, on page A13 of the New York edition. By Erik Eckholm

ST. GEORGE, Utah — Some disapproving classmates called members of the new club “Satanists.” Another asked one of the girls involved, “Do you have a disease?”

But at three local high schools here this fall, dozens of gay students and their supporters finally convened the first Gay-Straight Alliances in the history of this conservative, largely Mormon city. It was a turning point here and for the state, where administrators, teachers and even the Legislature have tried for years to block support groups for gay youths, calling them everything from inappropriate to immoral.

The new alliances in St. George were part of a drastic rise this fall in the number of clubs statewide, reflecting new activism by gay and lesbian students, an organizing drive by a gay rights group and the intervention of the American Civil Liberties Union, which has threatened to sue districts that put up arbitrary hurdles. Last January, only 9 high schools in Utah had active Gay-Straight Alliances; by last month, the number had reached 32.

The alliances must still work around a 2007 state law that was expressly intended to stifle them by requiring parental permission to join and barring any discussions of sexuality or contraception, even to prevent diseases.

Gayle Ruzicka, president of the Utah Eagle Forum, a conservative family group, promoted the law. Its authors expected, she said, that requiring parental permission would deter some children from joining the alliances and that restricting topics for discussion would mean that “there’s not a lot of purpose in being there, and the clubs end up being pretty small.”

“I just don’t think these clubs are appropriate in schools,” Ms. Ruzicka said. “You can talk about providing support, but you’re also creating a gay recruiting tool.”

But members of the new clubs said they were undaunted by the restrictions, which they said showed a misunderstanding of what the alliances meant for students who had often lived with fear and shame — at home and at school.

Kate Hanson, a 15-year-old bisexual sophomore at Snow Canyon High School, said that having the alliance “helps you realize that there are others like you and there are people who support you.”

“I was so excited when I heard we could have a G.S.A.,” she said. “I just thought it would be a fun club.”

With the increase in alliances, Utah is joining a growing national movement to provide friendly meeting places in schools for students who have often felt like misfits, clubs where gay youths and their supporters can socialize, speak out against discrimination and sponsor events like the Day of Silence in honor of bullied students.

Since the first club was formed in Massachusetts in 1988, by a gay boy and a straight girl with same-sex parents who were tired of being stigmatized, the organizations have spread to most of the country, reaching more than 4,000 high schools and even a handful of middle schools by 2008. The clubs are surging anew after recent publicized suicides of gay teenagers, said Eliza Byard, director of the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network in New York.

The struggles of the alliances in Utah are known to advocates around the country. In 1997, when Salt Lake City school officials discovered that they could not single out alliances for a ban, they took the extraordinary step of outlawing all extracurricular clubs in district schools.

That move drew national attention and helped spur the creation of new alliances in other states, said Carolyn Laub, director of the GSA Network, a group based in California that provides leadership training.

The Salt Lake district eventually backed down, but as of last January, only nine clubs were active in the state, six of those in the capital.

Publicity about the breakthrough in St. George, an isolated city in the red-bluff desert of southwest Utah, has inspired students in other parts of the state, and by last month at least 32 clubs were operating, said Eric Hamren of the Utah Pride Center in Salt Lake City. He spent last spring and summer locating and training student organizers, finding some of them at the annual Queer Prom that his organization puts on for gay and lesbian students around the state.

But resistance continues. Some schools are still imposing legally shaky barriers, like requiring the unanimous approval of student officers or prohibiting activities that violate “community morals,” said Darcy Goddard, legal director of the A.C.L.U. of Utah.

As she did in St. George last year, Ms. Goddard has warned officials that such policies may violate the federal Equal Access Act— a law passed by Congress in the 1980s, mainly to protect Bible study groups in schools, that has become a prime tool for protecting Gay-Straight Alliances from arbitrary hurdles.

In 2007, conservative groups pushed through the state Student Clubs Act, still on the books, that was aimed at the alliances and reflected what rights groups called misleading stereotypes.

The law requires parental permission for participation in all school clubs and says organizations can be barred to “protect the physical, emotional, psychological or moral well-being of students and faculty.”

Students say the law reflects misconceptions about both homosexuality and the alliances, which in many cases are led by straight girls who want to support gay friends or siblings. The club at Dixie High School here, for example, is led by Bethany Coyle, a senior who describes herself as straight and a supporter of equal rights. She said that one vice principal had asked if the club would recruit homosexuals and that students had scrawled epithets on a sign-up sheet, scaring off some potential members.

A teacher advising one of the new clubs in St. George said that he opened each of the weekly meetings with a reminder of the forbidden topics of discussion, but that it was proving irrelevant. The students, he said, seemed more interested in making friends and planning events.

Jason Osmanski, a 17-year-old junior who was a driving force behind the new alliance at Snow Canyon High School and now serves as its president, said that while members sometimes shared stories of harassment, they did not need to discuss sexuality at the meetings.

If the students’ legal right to a club seems firmly established, antigay feelings in the community persist. Alliance members in St. George were disheartened by school board elections this fall, when several candidates spoke out against the groups, saying they hoped parents would refuse to give their permission for students to join.

The students say that they are ready to adapt to any reasonable conditions, and that they will persevere.

Sundance Movie Review

I know, some of you have been anxiously awaiting my opinions and review of the infamous documentary. I have lots of excuses for why I have not done it yet, most of which are related to being a busy, pregnant mom.  But the real excuse has more to do with the fact that I am not really sure how I felt about it.  I thought maybe if I gave myself some time, I would figure it out. Not sure if that did any good. So, as usual, I am hoping that by writing about it, I will be able to better understand what I thought of it.

Before I give you details of the film itself, let me give you a couple of reasons why I think I am not sure what I really think...

1.  I think Scott's review could have influenced me.  I knew before I saw it what he liked and didn't like and how it made him feel. I watched him tear up as he related some of the stories, and I understood how much it really hurt him.

2. I am too closely involved in the project, and the subject of it is also one of my greatest sources of inner conflict even without the film: LDS church vs. gay rights. I would really love to read a review by someone who has no bias one way or the other.  Based on a couple of articles I have read in the newspaper this week about the film, there are people in the church that believe it is filled with lies and deceptions. My main problem is that I believe the information presented in the film is true, and therefore it is very disturbing to the part of me that loves the church so much.

3. When I viewed the film, I was with some good friends, but since Scott was not with me, my anxiety was probably a bit more intense than it would have been.  We walked from the parking lot to the theater (a mile or two uphill because it sounded like taking a bus was going to be complicated and take just as long), and so between being exhausted from that, and the edginess I was feeling during the film itself due to its content, I had contractions (braxton hicks contractions, not labor) throughout the movie that made me even more anxious, making it feel like more of a negative experience than I believe it actually was.

Okay, now for an overview of the film.  WARNING: SPOILER ALERT as I reveal every detail I can remember.  As Scott mentioned, the film began with and had interspersed throughout both video and audio clips from a broadcast to members in California last year, calling them to action in helping with the Yes on 8 campaign.  The broadcast had Elder Clayton, Elder Ballard, and someone else from the Quorum of the Seventy (I think) sitting around a table, taking turns talking about what they needed the members to do, and why the church taking a stand on this issue is so important. There was only a small amount of video available, and so the main content that Reed was able to use for the film was a low quality MP3 audio track.  As Scott mentioned, Reed chose to present the audio segments with ominous music and sounds in the background, the voices distorted, the video blurry, zoomed in and in slow motion. I knew from Scott's description that it would be that way, so I really did not form my own opinion on the formatting, but rather focused on what was being said and how it fit into the rest of the content of the movie. I understand that Reed was putting his own feelings into it by presenting it that way, but for a documentary, it probably would have been better to have a still photo of the man who was talking with that segment of audio track.

The first fourth of the movie contained these clips from the broadcast, interspersed with photos of documents with certain sentences popping out as the narrator read them.  The documents were emails and letters dating back to 1996 between President Hinckley, Elder Maxwell and others.  They all had to do with politics in Hawaii, becoming involved in the gay marriage fight without making it evident they were involved, helping to establish a coalition that would act more or less on behalf of the church without anyone knowing it was the church.  The main spokesperson that they found for the coalition was an LDS mother, but her religion was not known in the campaign.  Rather, she was simply known as the president of an educational organization and a concerned mother, fighting for her children. It was very disturbing to me for a couple of reasons: they specifically kept using words such as "secret" and talked about how they were doing the work of God. Also was the fact that President Hinckley was involved, and I am doing my best to forgive him for that because I have loved and admired him so much.

So, when the CA election came around, they followed many of the same procedures they did in Hawaii, making sure that the National Organization for Marriage was formed, led by Elder Holland's son.

But this time, after the general leadership presented the request for time and monetary help to the leaders and members in CA, some of the leaders may have taken it too far.  I doubt that an instruction to do this came from SLC, but in some cases, the film indicated that members were approached with the words "We've looked at your tithing records, we know what your income is, and we believe you can pay this much to the campaign.  We will wait while you write the check." A family with 5 young children gave $50,000--their children's college savings. Both the church and the coalition created many advertisements, which of course could not be inexpensive. The coalition created one that had video from a young school class that happily attended their lesbian teacher's wedding to another woman.  The parents were outraged.  They did not give permission for their children to appear in a public advertisement, especially to help the Yes on 8 campaign that they did not agree with.

There were also clips in between from an interview with Emily Pearson, daughter of Carol Lynn Pearson, formerly LDS, whose dad died of AIDS and who married and later divorced a gay Mormon man.  Nothing was said about her marriage, and not much about her dad.  Mostly her interview explained some of the beliefs and teachings of the LDS church, explained how hearing a letter signed by the first presidency meant to most members that it was a message from God himself, explained how certain phrasings in asking for time and money would be recognized by members who had covenanted in the temple to do all they could to build up the church on the earth.

Also interspersed through the presentation of this information was the story of two gay men, also formerly LDS (one a returned missionary), who were one of the first couples to get married in June of 2008. It shared their joy in being able to marry, and their pain when one of their LDS families would not rejoice in their marriage and happiness and when protesters in San Francisco, in the name of God and morality and children, held up signs on the street that eventually helped to possibly make their marriage invalid.  They were heartbroken when the proposition passed, and could not understand why people would want to hurt them so much.

There was other deception as members were asked to knock on doors, but go dressed in normal clothing so as not to look like missionaries or have the image of being part of the LDS church in the campaign.

As Scott mentioned, there was also a short portion that explained some LDS theology regarding the plan of salvation, how we are all spirit children of God, literal offspring of a heavenly father and also a heavenly mother, and that our ultimate goal in life and the eternities is to marry and live righteously so that we can also become Gods and have our own spiritual children, something that would be seemingly impossible with two members of the same sex. Also brought up was how polygamy fits into this plan, and briefly how members in the early days of the church practiced polygamy, and how even though members no longer practice it, they believe it will exist in the next life and forever. The presentation was fairly straightforward and accurate.  The only thing that bothered me was the background music, "If You Could Hie to Kolob".  I love that hymn, and I did not really want to remember or associate it with the angry and anxious things I was feeling through the film, although it did fit the subject being presented very well.

So, that was a major portion of the film.  Then the subject changed.  My reaction changed from shocked anticipation of what else would be revealed to horrified pain and sadness as the following stories were shared.

The most painful was the story of a man that attended BYU in the 70's, that was asked to come into the office of the campus police under the guise of helping with an investigation.  He was shown a list of about twelve male students, of which his name was one, and was told that it was a list of who they thought were homosexuals.  He was told where and when to come on another day, without any indication of what would happen. At the first appointment he was shown pornography and given twice the normal dose of ipecac to make him throw up while watching the pictures.  At other appointments he was hooked up to an electro-shock system on his wrists, chest, and genitals.  He was given a button to control the shock, then had to watch more photos, and was told to push the button to shock himself any time he saw anything that he thought was sinful or that he enjoyed looking at.  The photos included naked men. He knew of someone else who refused to push the shock button, so those doing the "treatment" pushed it for him, and it resulted in him thereafter having sexual dysfunction. Of the 12 on the list, I think 10 committed suicide within a couple of years.  The interviewee himself attempted suicide.  As he related the experience, sometimes the film showed him talking, and at other times it was a reenactment of an ipecac drink being mixed, a person being strapped into a chair, and flashes of light (from the pictures being shown) in the background.  It was extremely emotional. You could see the excruciating pain it caused him just to remember and relate the experience. Scott said he was sitting behind them in the theater, and that he said it was a good healing process for him to watch himself in the film.

The film then went on to interviews with other gay Mormons, young ones (2 men and 2 women) who have attempted suicide.  Interspersed were also clips from an interview with a mother (not the mother of the other interviewees, but she and her husband have been very involved in Affirmation and Family Fellowship.  I have met them several times, and they are just the sweetest people.  I first saw her speak at the candle-light vigil right before the infamous election.).  Anyway, she spoke of attending funerals for young gay LDS who have committed suicide, one that specifically happened during the Prop 8 campaign. She spoke of how nothing is ever mentioned at the funerals of the struggles they faced with same-sex-attraction, how some of them were buried in wooden boxes because their families refused to treat them with honor and respect. One of the young men that was interviewed is a close friend of ours.  I remember clearly him sitting in our living room a year ago, clinging to his boyfriend's hand for comfort, all of us crying as he related his story of taking some pills, of his subsequent journey past that moment, finding peace and comfort in his choice to now have a boyfriend.  The spirit was strong as it testified to me of God's love for our friend, and God's mercy for his journey and choices. I have an incredible amount of love for that friend, for sharing such details of his life with us, and for being one of my greatest supports through my tough times.

Anyway, back to our story.  The next segment was about Stuart Matis, his suicide several years ago in front of his Stake Center in CA when the gay marriage debate was in the news the first time.  Of his parents writing a book, "In Quiet Desperation" and how they were relieved when he took his life and was freed from his mortal pain and struggles.  (I started trying to read that book at one time, but I could not get past the first few chapters after reading that his mom knew he intended to take his own life.  If I had been her, I would not have left his side for a moment!) It did bother me though, as they played the audio from a phone conversation with Brother Matis, and how they refused to interview for this film.  The Matis's hold a monthly fireside in Alpine, and they have done so much good for so many gay Mormons.  Reed's film did not acknowledge their efforts at all, and that made me kind of sad. (Scott, what did you say about this when I was talking to you about it?)

Next came a segment about homeless youth in SLC.  It followed teenagers to where they live two stories underground, how their LDS families kicked them out for being gay.  When asked how they find hope in this situation, they responded that there is no hope.  There were interviews with a couple of women that I know who work for organizations that help homeless youth and gay youth.  One of the women conducted the training I went to at the pride center for starting a GSA last summer. They told of how they would love to be able to take these youth into their own homes and care for them, but how it is against the law in Utah to do something like that. Very sad.

The last segment of the film was sort of the comic relief, as interviews with Chris Butters and Gayle Ruizka were presented, with their ludicrous and horrible words against gays, backed by their stalwart membership and belief in the LDS church. It showed footage from last year's legislative session when Equality Utah attempted to get a "Common Grounds" bill with equal rights in housing, employment, and hospital visitation to be considered by the Utah legislature. Mr. Butters was asked to apologize for comparing gays to Muslims, and he refused to ever do so. He was proud of being known for keeping gay clubs out of schools and the Utah constitution marriage amendment from a few years ago (making marriage only between a man and a woman.)


Toward the end of the film, there was a clip of a talk from President Monson at the pulpit at General Conference saying, "With God on our side, there is nothing that can defeat us." I fear that some who see the movie may think that his words were talking specifically about the gay marriage issue, but I know him well enough to realize that it was part of a talk in which he was simply encouraging each of us individually that with God in our lives, we can accomplish and endure anything that comes our way. I love President Monson and his words, and the way he always encourages us to be positive as we try each day to be better people.  So it saddened me that this message was used out of context, in a way that people can judge our beloved prophet.  However, the way it was used was appropriate to the film regarding the attitude of the church in general, and I think there are many members and leaders of the church that believe Prop 8 passed because it was God's will, and because members followed the requests of their leaders in doing what needed to be done with their time and money to get it to pass.

The discussion after the movie was the best part for me. As cast members went up front, I was kind of glad I was not with them, thinking how nervous I would be in front of all of those people in the theater.  The audience was allowed to ask questions, and the first one was if the cast feared any consequences to them individually from the church for being in the film.  Emily Pearson answered, "Hell, no!" and everyone laughed.  Linda Stay (mother of one of the young men married in CA, featured in the beginning of the film) talked about how many of their extended family are active members in the church, and this movie will of course cause strained relations with them (even more than already exist). The other mother, Millie Watts, looked really uncomfortable being upfront, and I felt like I could relate to the expression on her face, and was again very glad I was not up there.

Another question that came along was from someone out of town, and probably based on Butter's comment about gay clubs in the schools, she asked if any of the schools were able to have anything to offer support to gay and lesbian youth.  Linda talked about how students from four schools in St. George tried this past year to get an organization going, and how they met with resistance, to the point of the principal canceling all clubs in the school so that he would not be required by law to allow the gay one.  Millie, who was involved helping the GSA at East High School a few years back, mentioned that Provo High School (yes, Provo, in the center of Mormonism) had a club for a while, but she was not sure if they still did, because it depends on having a student or students who are willing to run it and keep it going.  When those students graduate, if there is no one to take over, then the club kind of disappears.  By this time I was SO wishing I was standing up front so I could offer my two cents, so I anxiously raised and waved my hand. Reed called on me and I stood and shared my students' success this year in starting a club, that we met with a bit of resistance last year, but this year the worst that has happened is fliers being torn off the walls.  My comment was met with applause, and it felt really good. I had my moment to let my voice be heard.

Okay, now, as for the overall effect of the movie on me and the reason I am confused and frustrated over how it made me feel: I am angry with the church, and since I have been having a hard time with church attendance anyway, I think this just might put me over the edge.  Scott came and picked me up in Park City, and on the way home I told him about how I was feeling, that same torturous inner conflict, that the church I grew up with and loved so much had honestly done such deceitful, secretive, and hurtful things. But the conversation was not productive, because Scott has himself let go of that conflict.  He is in a different place than I am; he is done with the church and is one-by-one severing the ties and letting go of the conflict, and he believes it would be best for my mental health to do the same.  But I can't.  I can't let go of the church any more than I can let go of him. But then there is MoHoHawaii's comment on my last blog that rings true to some things I have thought about, and that is if I have to make a choice between the church and my marriage and holding my family together, then maybe it is better to choose my family.  (Not that Scott is forcing me to make that choice, just that I can see it as a drifting point in our marriage right now.) That evening when I came home, I asked the children what they would want to do if I took a break from church for a while.  They were concerned and didn't really understand what I meant until I turned it into a multiple choice question: stay home with me, have me take them to church and drop them off to sit and attend by themselves, or attend with another family in the ward.  The two younger children made no comment and seemed unaffected.  The two older ones immediately started listing their obligations and (somewhat sadly) said that they would want me to take them and drop them off and they would attend by themselves.

The next day at school, I kind of told my friend that is in a bishopric what had been going on over the last month with Scott and I and the documentary, and I started by asking the question: "If I have to choose between the church and my marriage, what should I choose?" With clarification that Scott was not forcing me to make that choice, he said without hesitation something to the effect of, "Considering the ages of your children, you should definitely choose your marriage over church."

What do I do? I mean that as a rhetorical question, because I believe only God can answer that for me.  I value your thoughts and opinions, but ultimately, it is between me and God to decide what to do.  Please continue to pray for me.  I really haven't knelt down and asked the question because I am afraid of the answer. I am afraid of getting no answer.  I am afraid of getting an answer, because all of the choices have drawbacks to them and will make me sad. But I am not sure I can just keep doing what I'm doing, going along not knowing what I want to do or what the future will bring.

We have a therapy session scheduled this week.  Maybe that will help. Meanwhile, I have an LDS cousin in CA who saw the discussion about the movie between Scott and I on facebook, and sent me a message to find out more about it.  I sent her my blog address, and she is now losing sleep over me, and wants to know what my goals are.  Maybe that will be good material for an upcoming post...

Family Acceptance Project

Scott and I attended the lecture Tuesday night that I blogged about previously, and it was awesome! I highly recommend it--there is still a session at Sunstone on this Saturday, August 15th, at 4:45 p.m.

The lecture presented research regarding what affect the reaction of family has on LGBT youth. Research shows that families are important to protect adolescents from many risks (such as drugs, alcohol, sex, depression, suicide, etc.). Throw LGBT issues into the mix, and negative family reactions put these youth at a much higher risk for the stuff that any teenager might face or struggle with.

Dr. Caitin Ryan presented amazing statistics that she has gathered the past few years. Even just a tiny bit of acceptance (over full rejection) of family makes a huge difference in suicide rates and other risky behaviors.

One thing that she has seen in working with LGBT youth is that there is a prevalent attitude that families are not going to be accepting, or that families should not be accepting, and as a result, the LGBT youth are afraid to talk to their parents and families about it, and for those who do talk to them, the families don't know how to react and therefore often react badly.

Therefore, one of her main goals for this project is to let people know the results of her study, and to let LGBT youth and families know that there are other families out there that not only accept their LGBT children, but celebrate who they are, and the incredible difference that it makes to the individual, the family, and the community.

The best part of the lecture was a video that she produced with this goal in mind. It was amazing, a documentary-style clip featuring a latino family with a gay son, marine father, and christian background, and the things they have done to accept their son and create a safe gathering place for other LGBT youth in their community. A man in front of me whispered to the man next to him that every member of the [LDS] church needs to see this video. I had been thinking about the same thing. She plans to do several videos like this one, and when she has four or five of them, post them online, and then create a dvd when she has about eight of them done. The project depends on donations, and that is really the only thing holding it back. It costs about $40,000 to produce one high-quality video, and she has 2 of them done and is currently fundraising for the third one.

Again, the website for the project is http://familyproject.sfsu.edu/ for anyone who would like more information.

I personally left the lecture bubbling with enthusiasm for activism. I am very excited to be helping with a gay-straight alliance at my school this year, and hope and pray that we can get it going. I know now more than ever just how important this actually is.

SSA - The ambiguous case

Over the Rainbow was helping me sort papers at school today so that I could more easily get them filed and cleaned up for the summer. At one point she burst out laughing and brought me a worksheet/follow-along notes that I created for my trig class a few years ago. The worksheet had a subtitle that said "SSA - 4 possible solutions".

(Forgive me for a moment while I explain a math lesson. While it is not essential to understand the math involved, it is important to note the application that will be later applied to life, so please bear with me. :)

...The notes are for learning about the Law of Sines, which can be used to solve triangles (meaning to find all missing sides and angles) if you already know 3 of the sides or angles. Specifically, you can use Law of Sines if you know the measurements of two of the angles and one side (ASA or AAS) or if you know two sides and one angle (an angle that is NOT between the sides) then you can solve it using Law of Sines, but it is not as straightforward as with 2 angles and a side because there are 4 possible scenarios.

(In a nutshell, for those with more curiosity regarding this mathematical situation, given SSA--the students like to spell it the other way around, but I try to avoid doing so :D--there can be one right triangle, two non-right triangles, no triangle (meaning one of the sides does not reach far enough to make a triangle), or one non-right (called oblique) triangle. Before solving the triangle (or triangles, in case there are 2), one must test to see how long the one side is compared to everything else so that they will know whether to solve it or not, and if possible to solve it, how many triangles are possible.)

Anyway, I don't know if the comparison is obvious or not, but Mormons who find themselves born with SSA (meaning same-sex attraction this time, instead of side-side-angle) have different choices they can make with regards to their lives. What is right for one person is not the best thing for someone else. I think that it is important to remember that regardless of which path someone has chosen, we should try to be non-judgmental of that choice, even if we do not understand it and cannot fathom how it works for them. We assume that they are miserable because they are without someone to really love while staying in the church, or that they cannot possibly be happy living in sin away from the church (since wickedness never was happiness.) Get the picture? Going with our math analogy, one triangle should not judge another triangle for being right, oblique, double, or non-existent. They cannot help being what they are even though they all have SSA in common!

For example, it seems that many gay men are confused about Scott's choice to remain married to me. They can't imagine it working for them, and therefore cannot understand how it can possibly work for him. But he just happens to be the right kind of "triangle", if you will, for that to work.

Meanwhile, many members of the church think that it is horrible that so many gay Mormons leave the church and live the "lifestyle." J G-W has claimed that he actually believes God directed him to that choice to save his life. I believe him. He is a different kind of "triangle" and God knows that and has directed him to follow the right path for him.

Meanwhile, others like Ty Mansfield have chosen to remain active, worthy and celibate members of the church. That is the right choice for them.

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Another somewhat related but unrelated thought. I have a student in one of my college math classes that has been working so hard to pass. She got in a car accident early in the semester and had some other life complications that put her way behind in the class. She wanted to drop; her parents convinced (or forced) her to stay and make the best of it.

She has been working very hard--coming in for extra hours of tutoring, even staying home from a family camping trip over memorial day weekend so she could study for her final. Over the last week she has been sick with step throat and a sinus infection, and shared with me a few days ago that she had asked for several blessings and spent many nights crying because she was so worried about the final exam. Upon discovering yesterday that her final exam score barely skimmed the required percentage, but her efforts were still not quite enough, I told her to come back today with as much more done as possible. She came in to my classroom happy, even though she had stayed up until 4 in the morning doing math assignments she had missed when her life was crazy. It was nice to see that Heavenly Father had granted her peace to accept whatever outcome resulted with regards to her math grade.

I put all the scores in the computer, fudged everything that I felt was ethical to do, but it was still not enough for her to have a "C", which is required in order to have successfully completed the course and not have to retake it later to meet her college math requirement. Without mentioning anything about religion (although she is LDS so it would not have been a big deal), I spoke of justice and mercy, how sometimes when we have done all we can, we have to allow the mercy of someone else to take care of the rest. As I spoke, I changed her low C- to the required C on my computer. I was of course thinking of the atonement, and specifically of "the parable of the bicycle" told by Steven E. Robinson in his book Believing Christ. I looked over at my student, she wiped small, glistening tears from her eyes, hugged me and whispered a heart-felt thank you.

Over-the-Rainbow was present for the conversation, so she and I discussed it later in the car, how we feel that the atonement of Jesus Christ and the delicate balance between justice and mercy will work for all those who are doing the best they can, whatever type of SSA "triangle" they might be, and what choices they make and paths that they follow. I have met many wonderful people who make such moral and righteous decisions in their lives, except for, perhaps, who they choose to be their soul-mate and partner through life. I cannot condemn them, and if acting on homosexuality truly is a sin as the church teaches, I can only hope and pray that the atonement will make all the difference for them as they try to live their lives the best they can.

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One last thing from the last week of school--look at this awesome bracelet that one of my students gave me yesterday! I am grateful that he helped to motivate and inspire me to help him get a GSA going as I realized how important it truly is for kids like him.

It has been a horribly awesome year. I am so ready for a summer break, but then I am excited to come back for a new school year, to meet students that will touch my life, while I have the opportunity to do some good for them as well. I am so grateful for the path my life has taken and where I find myself right now. Life is good, and I am very blessed.

Hope

"Without hope life is not worth living.
You’ve got to give ‘em hope."

Scott and I finally got around to watching Milk last night. One of my students told me that he had recently bought it and had already watched it 4 times, and cried every time. He said his dad watched it with him.

I gave him a copy of Prayers for Bobby. He told me yesterday that everyone watched it with him--parents, cousins, aunt, uncles. He was so excited about it and grateful that I had passed it along to him.

I just wanted to do a quick post this morning and say that I have hope:

• Iowa gives me hope.

• My counselor friend said that the Principal is okay with having a "RAIN" club. That gives me hope.

• I really hope that I don't freeze to death at my son's soccer game this morning. :) (For you out-of-towners, there is an inch of snow on the grass, and it is still lightly snowing.)

• I have hope that my prayers for the last 2 weeks will be answered today as I watch conference, that I will not be uncomfortable and angry, but rather will find messages for me that I need, messages of hope.

I pray for that same hope for each of you.

GSA clubs in UT High Schools

At the beginning of the year when I realized what a challenge my four algebra 1 classes would be due to behavior problems, I wondered what I had gotten myself into.

Now I am grateful. One of my classes is still from hell, but in two of my other classes, I have the greatest group of gay kids and their straight friends that I could ever hope for. About a month ago, I mentioned to a few of them that they could start a gay-straight alliance at the school and I would be willing to be the superviser. Immediately I had them all on board, along with other students in the class that overheard and volunteered to help. The next step was to figure out exactly what the students need to do to get it going.

At my school I have become the best of friends over the last few months with one of the school guidance counselors (who help students register for appropriate classes and make sure they are on track to graduate from high school, attend college, etc.) We first saw each other at the candlelight vigil at the SLC library the Sunday before election day. Amongst the 600 plus people in attendance, we happened to sit near each other and recognize each other, even in hats, gloves, scarves, etc. We have since decided it was not by chance. The next day at school, I went to her office to talk to her. I told her my story, and she told me about her gay brother and her efforts at being a gay advocate over the years. We met for dinner and helped each other through the tough days that came following the election and the passing of prop 8. She and I decided together to interview for Reed's documentary. Anyway, the point of bringing her into this is that she was going to start an GSA at the school last year, so she gathered some necessary information, but never followed through  with asking some students if they were interested in getting it started. She passed along a couple of binders to me with information she had gathered.

Last week, this group of students and I split up the materials, perused the student handbook, and started getting an idea of what we need to do to get this going for next year. I also decided to go talk to the administrator over clubs and ask her where to start with all of this.

The first thing she told me is that we need to come up with a name for the club, because we cannot call it GSA. I asked why, and she said it was against district policy, which, she added, made total sense to her. I mentioned that it didn't make sense to me, but that I would follow any policies I had to to get it started.

I sent a message to Scott, telling him about the district's homophobia. He decided to do some research of his own. Surprisingly enough (NOT!) some of the state policies on such clubs were introduced to Utah Law by our very own favorite Senator Buttars. The way Scott put it from some of the reading he did (and now he can't find the exact article for me), it seems that Senator Buttars is of the opinion that the only reason for GSA clubs to exist is for high school students to "recruit" students into homosexuality so that they have more students to have gay sex with. Bah.

Anyway, this whole story brings me to the purpose for my post: I would like some help coming up with a name for our club that does not mention any words that make people think of sex (like gay, straight, homosexual, etc.) yet lets students know (especially closeted mohos) what the club is about and that it is for them to have a safe place, friends and support that they desperately need.

Some of the official district policy is listed below

b. Names for Non-Curriculum Clubs

The administrator shall deny authorization of a club’s name, or require changes prior to granting authorization, if the administrator finds that the proposed name:

i. Does not reasonably reflect the nature, purposes, and activities of the club,
ii. Could result in undue disruption of school operations,
iii. Could subject students to harassment or persecution,
iv. Implies violation of (1)(A)* of this section, or
v. Implies inappropriate association with outside organizations or groups.

1A referred to in item iv. I think is the following (I have bolded the item that probably applies here):

a. Purpose and Activities of Non-Curriculum Clubs

i. The administrator shall deny authorization to any club or require changes prior to granting authorization if the administrator finds that its purpose or activities could:

A. Violate the law or administrative rules or advocate such imminent violation. This restriction does not apply to appropriate discussions concerning the changing of laws or rules, or to actions taken through appropriate channels or procedures to effectuate such changes.
B. Harass or denigrate any person or advocate such imminent action.
C. Intend to cause a person to fear to freely exercise or enjoy any right secured by the Constitution or laws of the United States or the state of Utah, or advocate such imminent action.
D. Advocate or approve sexual activity outside of marriage, or involve presentations in violation of laws or regulations governing sex education or privacy rights of individuals or families (See High School resource Guide for Parents and Teachers on Teaching Human sexuality).
E. Include any effort to engage in or conduct mental health therapy, counseling, or psychological services for which a license would be required under Title 58, Chapters 60 or 61 of the Utah Code.

It seems from reading this that there is nothing that specifically says we can't use GSA, but if the administrator said we can't, then she must think that it somehow violates the policies outlined above, and thus she would not approve it. Anyway, with this complicated information, does anyone have any good ideas? Brainstorm with me please!