Tuesday, July 28, 2009


I feel like I should blog; in fact, I have a couple of blog posts rattling around in my head that I need to write just to process them, but I seem to be in a funk of sorts.

These are the things I have not been doing very well or at all the past month:

  • Cleaning the clutter in my room, off my desk, etc.
  • Laundry (especially folding and putting away)
  • Mending
  • Updating finances
  • Blogging
  • Reading blogs
  • Reaching out to friends by email that I have not heard from in a while.
  • Yardwork: checking on the garden and picking produce, weeding, keeping the dead flowers trimmed back, watering the flowers on the porch, mowing the lawn.
  • Planning and making dinner.
  • Getting enough sleep.
  • Excercising.
  • Desiring intimacy. I want to want it, but I don't. Does that make sense? And Scott doesn't usually instigate anything, which is normal for us.
A quick side story to this last item to show how I am feeling and reacting lately: One day we went swimming as a family, and on the way home I told Scott we should take a shower when we got home. I looked at him with a sparkle in my eye, and he made some kind of comment indicating that he didn't have time or wasn't interested. When we got home, he got in the shower, and I got on my computer to check my email and ended up chatting with someone. Then I went in to take a shower and Scott told me he had taken an extra long shower, waiting for me to join him. But by this time, he was done and dressed. I fell apart. I sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed uncontrollably that I had missed my chance.

Anyway, on with my lists:

Here are things I like to do in the summer that I have not done at all:
  • Reading novels.
  • Updating family blog and scrapbooks.
  • Sewing, knitting and other crafts.
  • Taking the kids to the library.
  • Hiking. (I cherish memories of hiking every year of my life growing up to the lakes near Brighton, like Catherine, Mary, Twin Lakes, etc.--I feel bad that my children will not have those same memories!)
  • Going to the temple/taking my daughter to do baptisms at the temple.
Ok, I guess we have gone on a family road trip to the Black Hills (which was interesting, but nothing like a vacation.) And we have gone swimming a few times, and to the zoo a couple of times, and we went to the temple open house, and to Harry Potter the day it came out.

So I guess I haven't done nothing....

Here is mostly what I do all day:
  • Playing Animal Crossing and/or watching my kids play Animal Crossing or other video games.
  • Yelling at my kids to do their chores when I am not doing my own.
  • Helping my children only when necessary.
  • Shopping when necessary.
  • Sitting around feeling blah and thinking about all of the things I should be doing, and about the fact that school starts again in less than a month.
  • Crying.
Okay, so why am I in this funk?
  • Every summer I spend some time being lazy out of necessity to recover from a busy school year. Last summer I spent time processing Scott's gayness. I guess there is still some of that to do, and will be for a long time, if not for the rest of my life.
  • The accident involving Scott's nephew 4 weeks ago was really hard on me and threw me into some rough emotional spouts that I have not yet recovered from, even though he is doing just fine.
  • Church stress, specifically with regards to the bishop's attitude.
  • The good moho friend that we lost and I blame myself for. (Yesterday I overheard my 11 year old saying to the other kids, "We can never watch Wall-E or Hello Dolly again because that will remind us of [insert name] and we will probably never see him again.")
Blah. I hate being depressed and emotional. I asked our doctor yesterday about a referral for a therapist. I now need to fill out a packet and make an appointment. The tricky part will be getting myself to actually do it.

Meanwhile, Scott and/or Hidden: are we ever going to motivate each other to exercise? And Scott, is there anything you can do to help me with getting enough sleep? I am rather hopeless at the moment...

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Re: Cuddling

When Scott and I were dating, we were very cuddly, and I LOVED it! I have always been a very cuddly person, starting with when I was a toddler and would go get in bed with my teenage brother, who was also very cuddly. I remember once when I was a teenager, I leaned on my brother while I was watching a movie at his house or something, and he said teasingly, "You need to find yourself a boyfriend to cuddle with." I told him how much I wanted exactly that.

It took 6 months from our first date for Scott to kiss me, and then it was very awkward and only happened, I think, because all of our friends kept expecting it to and the pressure was on, but cuddling began even before our first date, at 6 a.m. in the football stadium when we were waiting for a madrigal rehearsal to begin to prepare for the homecoming pep rally. I was cold, and Scott came to my rescue by holding me. Wow, I have never felt anything like that before. I felt so safe, so alive. It did not feel sexual to me at all, just sweet and kind of like, "Wow! After 17 years a boy finally notices me and cares about how I am feeling!" That was a new thing for me, really new. Actually, I guess other guys had noticed me before; just no one I was ever really into, and no one that seemed to have MY best interest in mind.

So, cuddling is what I remember most from our courtship. It was really hard on me a few years ago when the cuddling decreased in our marriage until it became virtually non-existent. Scott claimed he had never really liked to cuddle, that it made him too hot, that it was uncomfortable to have the circulation in his arm cut off by the pressure of my body against it. At first it made me really frustrated and confused. We were also having problems with intimacy (read: he rarely wanted sex), and I got the impression that he viewed cuddling as foreplay. I tried to convince him that I loved to cuddle, that I needed to cuddle, and that it didn't need to go any further. I was glad that I had young children to cuddle with, but it wasn't the same.

Then when he came out to me last summer, suddenly he was willing to cuddle again. Actually, not only willing, but he wanted to! I didn't know what to think or how to react, but I just learned to enjoy it again and be grateful for it! I also have learned to be more forward in instigating it. I guess I always expected (or wanted) it to be HIS move, an indication from him that he loved me and loved my body and wanted to hold it. But since I now understand how he works, I am not as hesitant to take his hand first or cuddle up with him first, and he doesn't seem to mind it anymore, like he did for a while! It is awesome!

A week or two after Scott told me about the gay thing, he was having a down day. It was strange to see him down, because he had been so much happier, having found himself, exploring all it meant for him to be gay--to him and to us. We kind of talked about his depression during the day, and he wasn't sure what had brought it on. But instead of improving, it got worse, and by the end of the day when the kids were in bed and we could talk freely, he was lying on the living room floor, depressed, and I asked him what I could do to cheer him up and he said, "Hold me."

Wow. I had probably said that line a million times to him when I wanted his comfort, but I didn't remember him ever saying it to me. I lay down behind him on the floor (spooning), and put my arm around him. As we lay there, we talked, and I seem to remember it being a pretty emotional conversation, about how now that he had figured himself out, he had this overwhelming desire, or longing, to be held by another man. I held him and apologized that I could not be what he needed. It did not hurt me personally to know that I was not enough for him, but it hurt to see that the one I love so much was hurting and needing more than I could ever give him.

Over the past year, he has still had days where he has been a bit down and has honestly told me on those days about his occasional "longings". Either the longings have subsided as the year has progressed, or he has gotten better about not letting them get to him or at least not letting me know that he is feeling them. But anytime we watch a "gay" movie together, I worry about his longings. And honestly, when we have our friends over, and a bunch of single guys are squished together on the couch while Scott sits and talks to them from a separate chair, I feel bad for him.

Why can't he squish with them on the couch? We are not talking about the entangled cuddling that he and I engaged in many times when we were dating, and now do again, but the simple closeness of being with friends: shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, maybe an arm behind a neck. Some have expressed on Scott's blog post that he should ABSOLUTELY not venture into that territory, but I really don't see anything wrong with it. Correct me if I am wrong, Scott, but I believe he is only talking about slight contact, nothing more than any of us would have with siblings or parents or good friends.

Or maybe we are just deceived, and this is the first step for venturing onto a slippery slope....

But for me, it is to see my best friend, the one I love more than anyone in all the world, happy because he is able to snuggle up with some friend of the same gender while I snuggle up with him (Scott) on the other side...

And yes, I guess that would be like me cuddling with a straight man, or a straight husband cuddling with another woman, but somehow it doesn't feel the same to me. The straight husband has the wife to get the woman's touch that he needs. I have Scott to get the touch from a man like I need. It doesn't matter if he is gay or straight, he is still a man, and I am attracted to him! But he gets gyped, because he does not get the touch of a man that he needs.

Maybe I am out of my mind, but it feels right to me. I am willing to risk the slippery slope to help Scott be as happy and fulfilled as he can be, while still staying in a monogamous relationship with me. We have been doing our best to follow the promptings of the spirit and do what is best for us, and so far, it seems to be working out. So hopefully, if this is the wrong thing, I pray that the spirit will be with me, with us, to know that it is not the right thing. I have faith that Heavenly Father will answer this prayer for me when the time is right, and before we start sliding, uncontrollably, down hill.

Thanks for your concern, for your opinions, for your encouragement, for your input. But please remember that ultimately this decision is up to us, and I trust Scott enough to know that he will not do anything that I am uncomfortable with. That is the beauty of open and honest communication. Neither of us is ever afraid to express what we really feel or think about something that has happened or might happen.

Now, for those of you who hang out at our house sometimes and are now "awkward" at the thought that you are expected to fulfill Scott's need for man-touch, please don't be! If giving him a handshake or a hug or a pat on the back is all you are comfortable with, then by all means, don't do any more than that. Just as this has to seem right to Scott and I, it also needs to feel right for anyone else who might be involved. Please be open and honest with us as well, if needed.

Thanks. :)

Monday, July 13, 2009

Pioneers, Charity, and Forgiveness

I really enjoyed church yesterday. We went to bed pretty late, and so I assumed that I would be nodding off throughout the three hours of meetings, but I didn't.

In sacrament meeting, the talks were on pioneers. The first speaker actually referred to pioneers in the sense that we can all be pioneers, based on the definition "one who is first or among the earliest in any field of inquiry, enterprise, or progress". As she spoke, I thought of the book No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons around our gay loved ones, and how Carol Lynn Pearson uses the "pioneer" theme in her book. Some people have said that Scott and I (and others of you, as well) are pioneers when it comes to attitudes in the church regarding gay issues. The other talk was about the actual pioneers that we think of in July, and I am always intrigued listening to pioneer stories, reminded of the faith and sacrifices and suffering of the early members of the church. I could never have handled the things they had to go through.

In Sunday School there was an interesting discussion about unrighteous dominion (D&C 121:39--“almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, … will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion”) and Scott found it very ironic when someone commented that we (as the church or members of the church) should not force our religious beliefs on others. Huh, imagine that. Also, the teacher spoke a lot about pride and of not judging others. I thought it was a very nice lesson.

In Relief Society, the lesson was on charity, and it was exactly what I needed.

I have been losing my temper a lot lately, and all it accomplishes is hurting me and those I love, and nothing else. I was frustrated with my children a lot last week (how many weeks until school starts again? :), and Scott had to come home to an ornery and crying wife every night! I also was offended over something that happened with regards to Scott's family (specifically, plans that were made with out of town family members in which we were not invited, and my children were sad that they will not be spending more time with their cousins this week.) The icing on the cake was another major blow-up with a Moho friend, and I fear that this time there is no hope of repair.

The entire lesson was wonderful, about service and Christ-like love for others, but a scripture on charity in Moroni 7:45 and one final quote, really got to me.

"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

Elder Marvin J. Ashton beautifully observed: “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.” (from “The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign, May 1992, 19)
Sometimes I am able to really nail the hymns I choose to go with the lesson, and the songs were very touching to me this time. The third verse of "Each Life That Touches Ours for Good" really hit home.

(Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no. 293)
1. Each life that touches ours for good
Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;
Thou sendest blessings from above
Thru words and deeds of those who love.

2. What greater gift dost thou bestow,
What greater goodness can we know
Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.

3. When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.

4. For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
Devotion to the Savior’s name,
Who bless our days with peace and love,
We praise thy goodness, Lord, above.

I hope and pray that my Heavenly Father will help me to do better, but I also recognize that He is pleased with me for my efforts, and I am grateful that I can be forgiven of the things I said in the heat of the moment. I just hope that someday this friend can forgive me as well.

For the closing song, we sang "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief", no.29. I was sad that we did not have time to sing the whole thing, so we sang verses 1, 2 and 7. Verse 7 really touched my heart as we sang (as it does every time I sing it or hear it).

1. A poor, wayfaring Man of grief
Hath often crossed me on my way,
Who sued so humbly for relief
That I could never answer nay.
I had not pow’r to ask his name,
Whereto he went, or whence he came;
Yet there was something in his eye
That won my love; I knew not why.

2. Once, when my scanty meal was spread,
He entered; not a word he spake,
Just perishing for want of bread.
I gave him all; he blessed it, brake,
And ate, but gave me part again.
Mine was an angel’s portion then,
For while I fed with eager haste,
The crust was manna to my taste.

7. Then in a moment to my view
The stranger started from disguise.
The tokens in his hands I knew;
The Savior stood before mine eyes.
He spake, and my poor name he named,
“Of me thou hast not been ashamed.
These deeds shall thy memorial be;
Fear not, thou didst them unto me.”

Saturday night, other MoHo friends dropped in to visit, and they were a God-send. I felt so much better after talking to them and spending some fun time with them. I have always found that God is mindful of each of us, and even when times are hard, there are methods to the madness, and something else will be better because of it. I am reminded of the quote from The Sound of Music: "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." I have found this to be so true throughout my life.

Thank you for sticking with me through this rambling post. It has helped me to work through some thoughts and feelings, which I am sure will help to heal my heart.

Saturday, July 11, 2009


Scott posted this week about the anniversary of his first blog post. Well, now it is my turn to recognize another significant first anniversary--it was one year ago today that Scott lead me to our room, No More Goodbyes in hand, and told me he needed to talk to me. It was one year ago today that I saw, for the first time ever, his inability to speak to me because he was so nervous to do so. It was one year ago today that I cried through the night, wondering who this man was that lay beside me, and wondering if my marriage was over, if I was soon to become a divorce statistic that I thought could never possibly ever happen to me.

But it was one year ago today that I embarked on a journey, my eyes opened to a world I didn't know existed, one of tears and joy and friends and more swearing (oops!). It was one year ago today that my relationship with Scott began to blossom, that we both became unafraid to talk to each other about anything, that we began to more fully tolerate and accept each other's faults and embrace each other's strengths, that our intimacy became more honest and meaningful instead of frustrating and ignored.

Yesterday, I was mourning the frustration of one of the outcomes of the last year--estrangement from some family members. Scott apologized for pulling me and the kids into this mess. And yet, as I think about it now, the relationships that are still the most strained are the ones that already were. Not much has really changed; we just have something to blame it on now.

But it truly has been the best year of my life in many ways. I still have much to learn and many ideas to work through and understand, but I do know a few things for sure:

1. Scott and I have a relationship that can endure anything, it seems. I pray that God will keep us on a path that includes staying together.

2. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true, but the organized LDS church is far from being flawless, and just like each of us, it has its strengths and weaknesses and is evolving, hopefully eventually for the better, one victory or mistake at a time. I cannot give up on it, because my testimony is too strong and there is so much that is good and right in the church.

3. Love is the greatest commandment we have been given: loving others without judgment, loving and accepting ourselves. And deep, lasting love can happen between two people of the same gender just like it can between one man and one woman. I grew up thinking it was sin, and now I know it is love, nothing more, nothing less. Just two people loving each other and wanting nothing more than to be together for this life, and hopefully forever. The spirit testifies this to me and I refuse to believe that I am deceived. And so I will continue to fight for gay rights, for gay marriage, and to believe that this "sin" is not a sin, regardless of what I have been taught and regardless of what the church that I love and cling to continues to teach.

In honor of this anniversary, Scott and I now have matching CTL rings as a reminder that we will always choose to love.

Thank you for being a part of my journey. Thank you for being patient with my emotions, my venting, my exploration of all things gay. Thank you for choosing to love, for if you continue to read my blog, then I believe you are making an effort to love.

And now for something completely different, here are some of my favorite pearls of wisdom from Dumbledore in the Harry Potter books by J.K. Rowling:
(Yes, I had way too much fun googling Dumbledore yesterday :-)
  • People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
  • The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with caution.
  • It is my belief... that the truth is generally preferable to lies.
  • It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.
  • It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
  • We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided. Lord Voldemort's gift for spreading discord and enmity is very great. We can fight it only by showing an equally strong bond of friendship and trust. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.
  • Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.
  • Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike ...We wizards have mistreated and abused our fellows for too long, and we are now reaping our reward.
  • Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human … the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength.
  • The best of us must sometimes eat our words.
  • Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Here is to the years to come, to forgiveness and truth, to love and friendship, to suffering and making difficult choices, and to turning on the light!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Gay literary characters

This is a post I have been meaning to write for a while. At the end of May, I finished reading the fourth Fablehaven book by Brandon Mull. I've always liked to read, but I don't read nearly as much as I used to, and about the only thing that keeps my interest is fantasy, and I haven't even read much of that; just Harry Potter, Fablehaven, Ender's Game and Twilight recently; Lord of the Rings a few years back, and of course books like A Wrinkle in Time and The Chronicals of Narnia as a child/adolescent.

Anyway, one thing that I have thought about over the last year is a conversation that happened at a Relief Society book group gathering about 2 years ago. It was only a few months following the release of the final Harry Potter book, and a discussion started about how J.K. Rowling had announced that Dumbledore was gay. Our discussion consisted of things like, "I love Dumbledore, but why did she have to do that?" and "Okay, fine, if she intends for him to be gay. But why bother telling us?" At that point in my life, I viewed homosexuality as more of a choice, and I honestly agreed with the other sisters in my ward with this disappointing announcement. In fact, I believe I was the one that said, "why bother telling us?" and interestingly enough, that is the same response Scott received from his little brother and other members of his family when he came out last year. Interesting how life and attitudes can change so quickly.

Now, as I think about it, wow... yes, I have always loved Dumbledore. And now, gay guys are my favorite people in the whole world! I don't mean to stereotype here, but all of our gay Mormon friends are so kind and sensitive and intelligent and philosophical and amazing, all qualities that I would also use to describe Dumbledore!

I guess for a lot of you that have been out longer than Scott, this is old news, but here is what my research today found.

October 2007

Question asked in an interview with J.K. Rowling. The answer given by the author elicited a huge reaction and prolonged ovation.
Did Dumbledore, who believed in the prevailing power of love, ever fall in love himself?

My truthful answer to you... I always thought of Dumbledore as gay. [ovation.] ... Dumbledore fell in love with Grindelwald, and that that added to his horror when Grindelwald showed himself to be what he was. To an extent, do we say it excused Dumbledore a little more because falling in love can blind us to an extent? But, he met someone as brilliant as he was, and rather like Bellatrix he was very drawn to this brilliant person, and horribly, terribly let down by him. Yeah, that's how I always saw Dumbledore. In fact, recently I was in a script read through for the sixth film, and they had Dumbledore saying a line to Harry early in the script saying I knew a girl once, whose hair... [laughter]. I had to write a little note in the margin and slide it along to the scriptwriter, "Dumbledore's gay!" [laughter] If I'd known it would make you so happy, I would have announced it years ago!

What a sweet response from the audience! Imagine if the interview were in front of a largely LDS audience. Instead of ovation and laughter, there would have been stunned, awkward silence, I bet! At least, that is the way I would have reacted two years ago.

I think I need to re-read the Harry Potter books with this new information in mind, or at the very least, the last book.

Anyway, back to Fablehaven: Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary. One of my students loaned me the book a week after it was released (so, end of March, beginning of April). I rather liked book 1 and book 3, and book 2 was okay, but for some reason, every time I tried to read book 4, I fell asleep. I don't know why...I don't think the story line was any less interesting. But I had to finish the book and return it to the student before school was over, so I forced myself to keep reading. Toward the end of the book, a new character and hero is revealed, and after that, I had no trouble staying interested in the book.

If you plan to, but have not read the book, this is possibly somewhat of a spoiler...

Anyway, I don't know if it is just me seeing the world through rainbow-colored glasses lately, but I swear the author purposely gave this character gay characteristics, which surprised me, with Brandon Mull being LDS and all... (there I go stereotyping again, Mormons this time).

What do you think? Here are a few excerpts about this character, Raxtus, who is a dragon...

Its gleaming armor of silvery white scales reflected a flimmering rainbow sheen... (page 401)


"There are no other dragons like me," Raxtus admitted. "See, when I was still in my egg, a cockatrice got into the nest...but some fairies intervened and rescued me. ...I was incubated and hatched by fairy magic, and I came out . . . unique."

"You're beautiful," Kendra admired. "And nice."

The dragon gave a snuffling, annoyed laugh. "I get that a lot. I'm the pretty dragon. The funny dragon. Problem is, dragons are supposed to be fearsome and awe-inspiring. Not witty. Being the funny dragon is like being the bald mammoth. Being the pretty dragon is like being the ugly fairy. Get it?"

"You get teased?"

"I wish I only got teased! Mocked would be more accurate. Scorned. Berated. Shunned..." (page 405)

"My dad is Celebrant the Just. He's basically the king of dragons. The biggest, the stongest, the best. And I am his greatest disappointment. Raxtus the fairy dragon."


"I'm barely half a dragon, Kendra. The rest of me is glitter and fairy dust."


"Can you turn into a human?" Kendra wondered.

"Like an avatar? A human version of myself? Not really. I mean, I've tried. But it doesn't work out well. I can't manage to look like a person...I look like a boy fairy with butterfly wings."

Anyway, I could keep going, but I think you get the idea. What do you think? This dragon ends up being the hero of the story, and it is awesome! It almost makes up for another part of the story that is incredibly disappointing.

Does anyone happen to know Brandon Mull personally at all? Did he intend to potray gay men in a good light with the addition of this character? I am tempted to email him and ask him...

Regardless, though, I was pleased. What a difference authors of popular young adult fiction like this can make with gay characters in their books. I applaud them.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Utah in Gay News

What's right with Utah

Here is a link to an interesting article in The Nation that I found the other day from Abelard's news feed.

Just wanted to share it. It is a little long, but the overall message is great, that even though Utah might have a lot against it when it comes to gay rights, we also have a lot going for us. It was encouraging to me, especially after seeing some statistics a few weeks ago from MoHoHawaii. He commented to me that we should move to Seattle to get away from attitudes in Utah :), but I firmly believe that things will only change by many people like us staying and trying to make a difference.

Anyway, give the article a glance if you are interested and have a few spare minutes.

Sunday, July 5, 2009


The 4th of July typically involves sparks, and ours was no exception, although the sparks came sooner than expected...

It was a miscommunication--my family was coming for a BBQ at 6, only I forgot somehow to tell Scott that 6 meant they wanted to eat at 6, and were coming sooner than that to put their meat on the grill. So add to that the fact that Scott wanted to convert our grill to natural gas before the party (because the propane was nearly gone anyway) and the fact that things always take longer than he thinks they will, and you have him gone to the hardware store, the grill waiting for a gas line, and everyone in my family walking in the door, ready to cook their food, at 5:40 p.m.

Now, when it comes to my family, food and eating in a timely matter are extremely important. Otherwise, tempers flare or emotions get the best of us. In this case it happened to just be my temper and emotions, but it was in part due to the fact that I know that my entire family is driven by time and food, and the situation I found myself in was a bit more than I could handle.

Keep in mind that it has been a stressful week with Scott's nephew being run over (and as a mother, me being unable to get the resulting images and panicky feelings out of my head), fears about the future of our marriage (more on that later--keep reading), bad timing for my hormones, and the fact that I was hungry and therefore getting more and more ornery by the second...well, if you don't know me well, maybe you can't imagine the result. But if you do, oh boy, it was bad.

Our children drove me crazy all day. Like usual on Saturdays, they didn't want to do any chores, and today of all days, it was a holiday. Mom, can't we just have one day off? Who cares about the family party. They didn't actually say these words, but their actions screamed them. Eventually things got done, but in the meantime, our 11 year old was driving me crazy as usual, because instead of doing what he is supposed to do, he is usually chasing or teasing his younger brothers and making them cry. In fact, as all the children raced to the door to let grandma and grandpa in, one child got "pushed" by another child and there was more crying and blaming, as there had been all day, and I had HAD it, and sent the boys to their room. Then, as my frustration with the whole grill situation increased exponentially for every additional minute that Scott was STILL gone to the hardware store, I hear my sister say, "Oh they have new furniture. I think they've got LESS seats than they used to. And then my dad, "Yeah, especially with all the pillows." I was on the phone with Scott, "Where are you? They are all ready to put their food on the grill!" while I overheard the couch conversation.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I lost it. I don't remember everything I said, but it was about a month's worth of build up with regards to things my dad has said. "I'm sorry you don't like my new furniture and the damn pillows. Why don't you all just go home. I'm sorry you don't approve of the parties we have at our house once a month. I'm sorry that you don't like the fact we told our kids and our ward that my husband is gay. I guess I just can't do anything right."

I stormed off to my room and slammed the door and sobbed into my pillow. Why in the world did I just say all of that? I don't think my sister had yet told her 3 youngest children. Well, I guess they know now, huh? I felt so stupid, so humiliated. Our youngest child came in. "Mom, where is Dad?" "He's at the stupid store." I found out later that he repeated this to my mother a few minutes later when she asked him, "Where's your Daddy, huh?" and he matter of fact replied, "He's at the stupid store." While I was crying, my mom was chuckling at the response of my 4-year-old.

I finally slunked out of my bedroom after Scott arrived home and had the grill hooked up and working. I felt really awkward at first, but everyone just seemed to ignore what had happened, and they were visiting and getting their food out and searching for a pan to cook corn in.

We ate, we visited, we lit a few sparklers and sparking fountains in the street. As the two families and my parents left, they hugged and thanked me, and I apologized, and they said not to worry about it.

But I still felt stupid. Stupid sparks. My brother's wife commented about how it is more healthy to blow up and get it all out than to keep it bottled up inside. Well, I definitely let it all out, I guess. What a day. What a week...


How important are sparks in a marriage? Not firework sparks, not angry lose-your-temper sparks, but sparks--chemistry, love and attraction.

I believe Scott and I still have some sparks between us. At least I feel like we do, and I hope they are not all one-sided.

But what if the day comes when the sparks are extinguished, and we become "emotionally" divorced. Is it better to keep the marriage together, just in appearance, without the sparks? Living in separate rooms with separate lives, but sharing the house and finances and children and grandchildren, but otherwise being alone. No soulmate, no companion, no lover. . . no sparks?

Or is it better to separate legally as well as emotionally, remaining best friends and sharing children and grandchildren, but seeking "sparks" elsewhere, away from one another?

These are questions Scott asked me last night as he had pondered the marriage of another MoHo friend and how it has become like this first situation. And so, he wondered, if we found ourselves in the same situation, would we do the same thing?

It freaked me out. I told him I don't want to lose him. He asked me what I meant by losing him. I said that if we weren't married, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, that would be losing him. It was too painful to continue the conversation, and then sleep did not come easily for me.

I don't want to lose the sparks. I hope we never do.

Thursday, July 2, 2009


Thank you for your prayers. After not hearing anything all day, I just got off the phone with my mother-in-law. The doctors thought they needed to go in and stop some bleeding, but it took care of itself. They thought they needed to do surgery to reshape his skull, but it is going back to its normal shape by itself. Every time they think they need to fix a problem, it is done without intervention. The parents are well, the brother (and driver of the vehicle) is improving.

I cannot deny the results I have seen come from sincere combined prayers.
I felt the strength of combined prayers when Scott and I had to meet with our bishop last fall (which pales in comparison to this!).

A friend that was struggling a couple of weeks ago had an ah-ha moment regarding how much better he felt the next day when he found out that our family, and each of our children individually, were praying for him.

And now the miracle of a young child's life, even after being run over by a truck.
Many thanks to all of you, and to my Heavenly Father. I cannot deny His presence and hand in each of our lives. I am overwhelmed by His goodness and power.

Please keep the prayers coming!