In the News

So, here is an update on my week. Of course there was my  guest post on Feminist Mormon Housewives last Saturday, which only generated very kind responses, but not a lot of responses. Has everyone been busy, or are the readers losing interest in the series? Or maybe the readers are learning from the ongoing, weekly stories and have fewer questions to ask and fewer dead horses to beat.

Monday morning, as the kids and I were getting ready to go paint some ceramics, I received a phone call from Peggy Fletcher Stack of the Salt Lake Tribune. She asked me to tell her my story, and specifically about starting the straight spouses Facebook group a little over a year ago, and also the recent website and effort to reach out to more spouses that might need support.

I shared as much as I could and the tears flowed. I don't often cry over everything anymore, but as I recalled the difficult times, especially with church leaders and with my last pregnancy, I became very emotional. Hmmm. It occurs to me now that the most emotional parts of my story are the ones that she included in her article.

Anyway, off the kids and I went for an afternoon of fun. So excited to get my ceramic small-appetizer-plate back--it is going to be EPIC. I promise to post photos. Scott entertained two of the uninterested children at his place, so the rest of us enjoyed letting our creativity flow, not worrying too much about the clock and time that passed.

That evening, it occurred to me that if the article ran the next day in the paper as Peggy said she hoped it would, that people would be directed to our new straight spouse blog/website. I quickly contacted a couple of the ladies that have really encouraged the outreach that we've done lately, and asked them to look over the website and help me figure out any quick edits that would make it better for the moment. Just as I was texting back and forth with one of them, Peggy called and said the article was online. She wanted me to look at it and correct any blatant errors if needed.

Woah.

The article is online.

It would be in the morning paper.

Weird emotions of fear, anxiety, excitement, and so on fell over me as I went online, found the article and began to read.

It was good. It presented different issues of mixed orientation marriages, from Josh and Lolly Weed and Ty and Danielle Mansfield to myself and my uber spiritual friend Jessica. Titled  "Group offers Help to Mormons whose Spouses are Gay" , the article starts and ends with promoting our Facebook group. It also, of course, speaks to the hype surrounding the Weed blog post earlier this month, which I blogged about  last week.

A couple of comments from me: At the end of the article, it says I am now divorced. This is a slight error since Scott and I have not yet done that last technical step. And I'm pretty sure I mentioned that to Peggy. But she also understood that divorce is inevitable, and we are divorced emotionally and physically, and mostly financially, down to our separate accounts and Scott's self-imposed generous child-support payments. It's just not legally divorce yet. We don't have the paper with the signature that says it's so--kind of like gay couples in Utah that have committed their lives to each other and consider themselves married, which they aren't really, unless they've taken the time to go to some other state to get that little piece of paper that says they are. Yes, Scott has dated other men for over two years now with my permission and blessing. I personally do not yet feel ready to start dating again yet, but I also don't want to date until we are divorced, so I think I'm ready to start working on those papers this summer so that when I'm ready to check out the other fish in the sea, I will also be legally and morally ready to do so. It is my own personal decision, and I really have no problem with those in my situation that have begun dating before their divorces have been final.

That was more than I planned to share. Oh well. :)

Moving on--my main concern with the article was this paragraph, and I sort of mentioned my discomfort with it on the phone that night, but it was obvious that Peggy felt it somewhat central to the piece and did not want to try to edit it:

Nicholson’s husband of 13 years, whom she had loved since they were madrigal partners in high school, told her he was gay. Latter-day Saints in her West Valley City ward kept saying gay-rights advocacy was Satan’s work, she says. Though the couple remained together at first and honored their marriage vows, several local Mormon leaders were not only unsympathetic, they also were openly hostile to the news.

So, being all about clarifications and honesty, here goes: there was one lady in my ward during one lesson (before Scott was out to anyone but me really ) that said something to the effect that the whole thing with gays wanting to get married was the work of Satan. No one else said that, nor did this lady keep saying it. But I guess the fact that the bishop asked me to repent of sending letters to these woman about my changed view of gay rights might also infer that he feels the same way about gay rights activism being Satan's work. And the fact that temple recommend worthiness was questioned because of our public views on gay rights and our associations with other gay Mormons also indicates that same mentality, I suppose. So I understand Peggy's interpretation. However, I have such good friends in my ward that have been nothing but supportive, and I didn't want any of them to read the article and feel like I was speaking against all of them in general.

The fact is, over the past four years, I have had several traumatic events at church relating to this new phase of my life and my views on LGBT rights, and even though the trauma has come from very few people, and I even believe that those people had only the best of intentions to help me and our family, Peggy heard the pain in my words and my emotions as I spoke of the experiences. And this paragraph of her article speaks to that pain that she shared with me for a few moments as I unloaded it on her. I just hope that those who have reached out to me, or even those in my ward that have quietly prayed for me, will know that I love them and recognize their efforts to just love and accept our family regardless of what we believe and how often we go (or don't go, rather) to church.

The tribune article received a lot of comments, both positive and negative. One thing that came up as a discussion in the comments was the thought that the men in mixed orientation marriages must be bisexual. To this idea, Scott wrote a response that some of us told him he should send in as a letter to the editor.

The other thing that I want to address with people is that to the world, the words "gay" and "homosexual" and even "same-sex attraction" all mean about the same thing these days. But to some old-school religious people, using the word "gay" automatically means living the gay lifestyle, or sin. To me, I don't differentiate. I never have. Scott blogged about this once long ago. (I will have to look up the link later). When he thought the words to himself "I am gay", he had one of the most spiritual and self-affirming experiences of his life, and yet he not done anything that would pertain to "the lifestyle". I don't look at my gay friends and say "he's gay because he sleeps around" or "He's gay because he has a boyfriend" or "he struggles with same-sex attraction but has been faithful to his wife" or "he is homosexual but is celibate." Why use different words to indicate if someone is a sinner or not? Why, in the words of Elder Uchtdorf and someone's bumper sticker, judge someone because they sin differently than we do? It's silly. It is so "The Scarlet Letter" era of thinking, in my opinion.

So get with the times. Use whatever terminology you personally want to use, but don't get all self-righteous with me because of what you consider my (or others) inappropriate use of the word "gay."

Next, (I'm almost done), some other noteworthy links and responses to these same topics.

• A news site in the UK picked up the SL Tribune Article and looked at the straight spouses website and subsequently wrote their own report.
• Huffington Post has also now picked up the story.
• Awesome response from "Single Dad Laughing", who not too long ago wrote another winning article titled "I'm Christian Unless You're Gay".
• Utah news story about the Weed post.
• Another blog post I read and enjoyed (From Dad's Primal Scream, "Women who Marry Gay Men". I'm sure there are many, many other responses out there).
• Ashley's crumbs--blog post about how allowing gay marriage would help families, and not allowing it actually hurts families (like hers and mine, for example.)

I would love for people to comment and post links to other blogs or articles that they have recently read on these topics. Thanks!

Recent Hype over Mixed Orientation Marriage

Over the last two months there has been an influx of discussion on the topic of mixed orientation marriages, primarily within Mormonism. In fact, the discussion has been so big that it's very possible that little if any of what I post here will be new to my readers. I think the conversation is far from over, which makes me tired just thinking about it. But I feel like it is finally time for me to compile some of my favorite quotes from the discussion along with a bit of my own feelings.

It all seemed to start with the cover and associated article of the May/June 2012 issue of LDS Living magazine, which is published by LDS church owned Deseret Book. The cover photo is a happy close-up shot of gay LDS author of In Quiet Desperation and Voices of Hope Ty Mansfield along with his wife Danielle and their young son. A large title adorns the page: "Our Story: Living with Same-Sex Attraction."

My first impression of the cover without reading the story was rage. How dare Deseret Book set up and encourage families like mine that will easily end in disaster for everyone involved, including children?

On May 3, I posted a link to the cover of the magazine on Facebook with this comment:

I'm really concerned about the cover of LDS Living Magazine. I haven't read the article yet, but even just the cover might give people the wrong idea about mixed orientation marriages (MOM). So here is my disclaimer--while being married to a gay spouse may work for some, please don't expect that everyone can make it work. In fact, in my experience with the many many Mormon MOM couples I have met, most can't. So please don't use this as ammunition against anyone in my situation, and don't judge them for making the decision that is best for them.

An active discussion ensued on my post, and became somewhat lively. I appreciated learning from the contrasting views, and I really did appreciate all sides. Following are some of my favorite comments.

First, a furious gut reaction from another straight ex-wife friend of mine that remembered Ty possibly having spoken on a panel at BYU that she attended.

"Well, if he's the same guy who spoke at BYU, I worry about it too. The other speakers said they couldn't imagine themselves in a MOM. He seemed to embrace it and say it was working great. Even made a joke about how he and his wife both think Ryan Reynolds is hot. It made my blood run cold! Not funny and not a healthy marriage!!! They are so young and foolish and perpetuating a course of action that is doomed to failure. We all know it's a bad idea! I hate that they are being set up as a model solution for an unsolvable problem. I see only destruction in their future and it makes me sick to think of other young couples who will think they can make it because of articles/ examples like this. :("

My lesbian blog friend is amazing. So much faith and tolerance and love for everyone. She shared her view.

"They say that it won't work for all. They are merely sharing their story, much like we'd like to share ours. They freely and readily admit that what they have is a rarity and they do not recommend it for all. The fact that they share their story is being questioned here as if it was some bad move against all gay people, which simply is not the case. They have an experience, they find joy and happiness in it, they have the right to share that. And I applaud them for it.

Sure, many will indeed use this story as a means of htting the rest of us over the head with comments like, "If they can do it, so can you." Or "Why can't you be that righteous?" Etc. You can all think of the comments we've all heard before. But those will come, and we get to determine how we'll respond to them. Are we seriously pissed off because Ty and Danielle are "causing" more negative comments directed toward those of us who don't/can't choose that path? Seriously ... we're all smarter than that. They're sharing their story, and what people come up with after reading it is really the readers' thing, not Ty's or Danielle's.

It feels like you'd all rather silence them rather than allow them the same equality and publicity that you'd like same-sex couples to have. They have an experience to tell about and they have every right to tell it. It doesn't match my experience, it doesn't match the experience of many MoMs I know, but it does match the experience of some I do know. Because it's rare, it shouldn't be told? Maybe that's exactly why it should be ....

You don't have to agree with someone's choice for it to be a worthwhile story."

And then of course Scott has such a way with words and saying exactly what needs to be said.

"I haven't read the article, but on another thread Ty said that he and Danielle tried to make it clear that their path isn't for everyone (and they wrote the article themselves, it wasn't written about them by someone else). Assuming that's true, it would be inaccurate to say that the article espouses MOMs as the only way to go. 

BUT, the fact is that this pseudo-official church magazine IS highlighting a "successful" MOM without (from all I've heard—again, I haven't actually read the article) providing a counter-example. 

I'm realistic. I don't expect an LDS-positive magazine to trumpet the dismal statistics of MOMs. But I do think that it's irresponsible of them to run a story like this.
I'm less concerned about people judging ME for MY choices (though I don't doubt that some of my family might use this article as support for their judgment). I've actually gotten really good at not caring about that sort of thing.

What I AM concerned about is the young Mormon man who is "struggling with same-gender attraction". He hears in church every week how important marriage is. How it's the only way to be happy. How central it is to the plan of salvation. He believes those things, and he wants desperately to be married. Perhaps he even believes that marriage will "cure" him, and it's even possible that he's been told by his priesthood leaders that this is the case (yes, I've heard of people being told this even though the church itself explicitly discourages marriage as a "cure").

If this young man doesn't know of any successful MOMs, he might second-guess his desire to be married, and he would be wise to do so.

But if he sees in a semi-official church magazine that the Mansfields have DONE IT! his hope is kindled, and he makes marriage his goal.

I know this is what will happen, because when my blog was active and Sarah and I were together and trying to find a way to make things work, WE were the ones who were seen as having cracked the cipher and made a MOM work. I had at least a dozen young men email me, hoping to learn the secret so that they, too, could find a woman and marry her and have a family and make it to the celestial kingdom.

I always tried to dissuade them from their dream of marriage. But had I allowed myself to be seen as an example, I believe I could rightly be blamed (to an extent, at least) if these young men married and, a dozen years and four kids later, decided that they couldn't take it any more.

I think that LDS Living can similarly be held accountable to some extent for tomorrow's failed MOMs.

Can a MOM succeed? I believe it can, if the right people are willing to sacrifice enough (every single day for the rest of their lives) to make it happen.

Is a MOM *likely* to succeed, even with the best of intentions? No. The burden of the aforementioned sacrifice is impossible to estimate, especially for a young man so desperate to do the "right" thing, and no matter how fervently he believes he's up to the challenge, statistics prove that most ultimately can't sustain the effort forever (or even "til death do us part").

That's why I believe it's irresponsible to hold any "successful" MOM up for public adulation.

I support my friends who have chosen to marry and to work to make that marriage successful. I would never counsel a MOM couple to divorce (at least on the basis of orientation). I'm happy to do all I can to honor and respect their decision and their relationship. I don't actually know Ty and Danielle personally, but I'm completely willing to believe that they are happy with the choices they've made, and I think that's beautiful—as long as they don't position themselves (or use the position they are already in, due to Ty's semi-celebrity status among gay Mormons) as an example that anyone could emulate.

And I will also vehemently discourage a single gay man from marrying a woman (or a single gay woman to marry a man), and I will continue to discourage them until they change their minds or until the "I do"s have been said. Because I know (from my own experience and from that of literally hundreds of formerly married gay men I know personally) that they are setting themselves up for, AT BEST, a life of challenge that far outweighs what a typical married couple faces."

From the mother of a gay son:

"When I was first "investigating" this topic and was told by my bishop that many gay LDS men were in traditional marriages successsfully I said, "If that's true, then why aren't they standing at the pulpit, trumpeting their success?". I guess here is my first couple doing just that. Had I seen this article at the time, I would have waved it in front of the face of my son and told him that he too, could "change". So, I fear this is what will happen to many young people in the weeks to come. Yes, I believe it's possible to have a successful MOM marriage, but not probable. The general public does not understand how the Kinsey scale would come into play here."

My view? I am concerned by their motives. I think it is definitely their right to share their story just as it is my right to share mine. I am unhappy with Deseret Book for putting it on the cover, unless they also plan to give equal time to a divorced couple too (maybe one where they are still both active in the church but decided it best for them not to stay together). And as expected, many of my single gay friends have been bombarded by family sharing the magazine as evidence and hope that they can fully live the gospel plan in a heterosexual relationship. I hope Ty and Danielle are not doing this for their own publicity or for the praise of church leaders, but rather just to give voice to an otherwise taboo subject among many LDS members.

The next phase of the discussion came from a popular blog called Feminist Mormon Housewives. On May 4 they started a weekly series called "A look inside your neighbor's window." Although I don't yet know everyone who has submitted their stories, several of them are close friends in my straight spouse group. I believe that my own story will be published there tomorrow. I'm excited to share my story, but I'm also nervous for the potential comments and discussion on the post.

The most momentous event in this MOM hype came with the publication from a blog called "The Weed". This post from Josh Weed and his wife Lolly titled "Club Unicorn: In which I come out of the closet on our ten year anniversary" went viral on the Internet within a few days.

When I finally found time to read the whole thing, I was actually pretty impressed. One of the first things I liked a lot was his use of the word "gay" and clarifying that for him, he used the word interchangeably with "homosexual" or "same-sex attraction." So many members of the church are stuck on thinking that the word gay means living the gay lifestyle, which to them also means sin. It is frustrating to have a conversation with a bishop or brother-in-law that refuses to use anything but "same sex attraction", as though the individual is suffering from a chronic disease.

The next thing that I remembered that I really liked was his personal story of the bullying he endured in junior high. I hated that he went through it, but I liked that he shared this with thousands of people who might not understand just how difficult it is to be an obviously gay kid in junior high and high school.

I also enjoyed hearing about how he was accepted and loved by his parents regardless of his sexuality and coming out to them.

And I really appreciated his thorough disclaimer of mentioning that living a heterosexual married life is not for most people in his situation.

These were my thoughts as I remember them (since I haven't re-read the post), but I mostly kept them to myself as I watched Facebook explode with posting, sharing and commenting about this blog post. Some of my Facebook friends that never post anything gay-related, nor comment on my gay-related posts were sharing this link and singing its praises. I began to hear stories of friends and family posting it on the Facebook walls or timelines of gay loved ones, as an example of how to be gay and continue to live the gospel plan. One of my straight spouse friends was angry because a friend posted it on her wall. She had this to say in our private Facebook group:

"I had a "friend" post it to my wall in my regular facebook! I keep asking myself why she would want to hurt me so much!!! I have told my ex that he is the one that should share with people when and if he wants. I will not out him unless he gives me permission. NOW all my regular facebook friends that saw the post to my wall knows the reason he and I divorced. He keeps saying, "It is what it is." I guess it is but that doesn't make it any easier when you are not ready to address everyone's questions!"

Another dear single gay friend posted this comment to his wall:

"I have a question, I am playing devil's advocate and I hope not to offend anyone, but I have been thinking about this post all day and so I had to respond after many of my straight Mormon friends have posted this article. I read the article and all I can think is good for them, but what makes a same sex couples story of commitment and love any less amazing. Just this weekend I met my friend Benny's boyfriend for the first time and heard the story of how they met. It was incredibly romantic and uplifting. I could see the love that they had for each other. It was so beautiful. 

But that is just one journey. There are those who decide to marry a woman and those who don't, but I think all choices are right for the individual. I just feel like this article and the comments on many postings (while it is working for them) makes it seem like this is the path that all should strive for, and I do not believe that this is the case. I am happy where I am and know I could never have married a woman. I am not married to a man either (yet) but I hope my Mormon friends and family would support that union of love and devotion as much as they have been towards this couple or any heterosexual couple."

I read the discussion and added my thoughts from doing so:

"Scott and I made it 14 years with what I considered to be a really good relationship, and one of those years past his "coming out." Scott and I really publicized our success that first year on our blogs. I really hoped it would last forever. But things change. Maybe they will change for Josh, maybe not."

Then a comment from the mother of a gay son that I quoted previously in this post:

"When [my son] first came out and I was talking to my bishop, he commented that there were many men in mixed orientation marriages and that it was possible for [my son]. I got very frustrated and asked him if that was true, why weren't those men up at the pulpit proclaiming their accomplishment? So, I guess this is one guy who is answering my prayer, but about 6 yrs too late! Thank goodness for that, as I might have missed being mom-in-law to [a] terrific [son-in-law]!"

Scott decided to write up his own response because he was so frustrated with these same issues with straight Mormon families and friends:

"This post has been going the rounds the last few days, and I’ve seen a wide gamut of reactions. Here’s mine:

I’m gay, and I was married to a woman for fifteen years. I was happy. I loved her. I STILL love her. But ultimately we (mostly I, but with her support) decided that it wasn’t enough for me to be with someone I loved—I wanted to be with someone I am actually IN LOVE with, on every level. That simply isn’t possible with a woman.

Since we separated I’ve been happier, more fulfilled, more complete, and more ME than I ever was with her. And she will acknowledge that since we separated she has gained a great deal of strength and independence that has been good for her.

She struggles with the separation more than I do, because she WAS (is?) in love with me, in a way that I could never return. We are both hopeful that one day she will heal enough to find someone who is IN LOVE with her (something I could never give her), because she is amazing and she deserves it.

There is a temptation among active Latter-day Saints to point to stories like this one and say “See? It’s possible” (with the implied—but hopefully unspoken—”…and if you can’t do this, you just aren’t trying hard enough, aren’t faithful enough, etc.”)

Please don’t.

For one thing, for every story like this there are ten stories like mine. And for every story like mine (in which my ex and I have been able to remain friends, remain supportive, continue to co-parent the kids, etc.) there are a hundred stories that ended in bitterness, venom, drawn out custody battles, and a great deal of misery.

The fact that this couple has managed to stay together happily for ten years means NOTHING to anyone else. They are individuals. They are unique. Even their RELATIONSHIP is unique, since they have known each other since they were toddlers and been best friends for decades. If they happen to have hit on the right combination of friendship and self-denial and faith and conviction and bisexuality and sacrifice, that’s *fabulous* for them. But nobody else is them, and nobody else should be expected to follow the exact pattern of their lives.

Mr. Weed even says this himself in the post. Of everything he writes this, I believe, is the MOST important bit:

“I want to make it very clear that while I have found a path that brings me profound joy and that is the right path for me, I don’t endorse this as the only path for somebody who is gay and religious. I will never, ever judge somebody else’s path as being “incorrect” and I know many people who have chosen different paths than myself.

… If you know and love somebody who is gay and LDS (or Christian), your job is to love and nothing more. Let go of your impulse to correct them or control them or propel them down the path you think is right for them. Do what you need to do to move past that impulse. Do not condemn the choices your loved one makes. Love. Only love. Show your love in word and deed. Embrace them, both literally and figuratively. I promise they need it—and they need to feel like they can figure out this part of themselves in a safe way without ridicule and judgment. It’s what Christ would do. It’s what your loved one needs. Accept them. Love them. Genuinely and totally.”

Even posting this article on a gay friend’s wall is a step beyond love into correction or coercion or control. Please don’t go any further than that.

You may have beliefs about homosexuality that you feel strongly about. That’s wonderful, and if you derive value from the belief system that you subscribe to then please continue to believe and have faith.

But nobody else is you, and despite how ABSOLUTELY right YOU feel your beliefs are, at the end of the day they are ONLY beliefs. They have been “proven” to you by a very personal, subjective, and intimate experience, and they are yours alone. Please allow others the privilege of their own personal, subjective, and intimate beliefs, so long as their beliefs do not attempt to infringe on yours."

In the midst of all of this, one of my straight spouse friends has another friend that started a blog just to respond to the viral response to "The Weed". She shared it with our private group right after it was posted and I immediately shared it on my Facebook wall. This was late one night this week, and by morning, gay friends were posting links to this new blog all over the place. I'm pretty sure it is not going to get the same attention that the other post did, but it is still getting a lot of hits and comments and keeping the conversation going among many.

She wrote the response that needed to be written, the response that was in my heart and that of my straight spouse friends. I related completely to her story, other than the fact that she knew her ex husband was gay before they married. She has come to about the same place I have as she and her ex are good friends and she is not really active in the church any more.

Some are taking her story (and those of us that are sharing it) as criticism of Josh Weed and his post. That is not my intent. I still really recognize the value of Josh's story and am glad he shared it. But the other side of the story must be told and listened to.

And that is why I interviewed with Kendall Wilcox last week for his "Far Between" documentary.

And that is why I am sharing my story on Feminist Mormon Housewives.

And that is why I am talking to Salt Lake Tribune reporter Peggy Fletcher Stack this coming week.

Our stories must be heard and some of us are going to keep telling them and telling them and telling them so that we can make a difference for one family or one gay child or one potential straight spouse. One at a time.

We can make a difference. And we will.

Request for help!

For anyone who has read through my entire blog more recently than I have, what are your favorite posts?

Appreciate the assistance. I'll explain later.

Blog Lynching

Anyone else want to join the party to lynch my blog?

There are a few people that have been working on it for a long time, like various local religious leaders, my boss and a couple of co-workers.

The most recent recruits?

My parents.

And they don't even read it.


Apparently they called some extended family regarding some news, and were told, "Oh yeah, we already know that from Sarah's blog."

So then they start to fret, as they are so good at doing about everything ( I learned well from them how to stress out all the time about the smallest of things.) And their fretting turns into 20 questions for me this evening.

...like maybe I have mentioned something about "such and such" on my blog that has resulted in an influx of sales calls to my parents for a certain line of products.

...or maybe I have mentioned something that will tell people the best time to burglurize them.

Do I have stupid written on my forehead? Even my last blog post, "Flying solo", was written several days before I posted it because I didn't want people to know that I was home by myself, so I scheduled it to post when Scott was nearly home from CA.

And I have tried to be extrememly careful about listing detailed information about anyone, especially since I was "talked to" at work about FERPA and student anonimity, and therefore closed my blog for a month to clean up a bit, not just for students, but others as well.

It is all so stupid.  And then add to it the other stupid things bouncing around in my head, like friends that continue to hold a grudge against us, making it so that when we see them it is very awkward, seeing them talk and laugh with other people and they won't even look at us, let alone give us the time of day.

Like a priesthood blessing that was not mentioned to Scott and I because obviously ( or at least I assume they think) Scott is not worthy to help and participate, even though it is nothing "official". Just for that, when they all start pushing for our baby to be blessed, I will invite them to a private father's blessing in our home, regardless of whether or not it is approved by anyone in the church or makes it on church records.

And then there is BYU squashing a friend's final project. So stupid.

Yes, I am a very angry woman, hear me roar!

And please just let me be angry for a while.

Blog Stress

When I first started blogging, it was amazing. I had already started reading a lot of blogs, and we had this fabulous community that read and commented and helped each other through the tough times of proposition 8. It was very therapeutic for me to work through my thoughts and feelings, and it brought me an amazing feeling of happiness and peace when I found out (through comments and emails) that it was answering other people's prayers, giving them peace and comfort to know that they are not alone, and even bringing some of them back into the church.

But lately it seems that my blog has become the source of all of my stress. Of course there is my temple recommend, and the main issue with that is this blog. And then I found out today that there are rumors going around school among staff members that read my blog. Of course I have chosen to make my blog public, and I have actually given the URL to some of my close friends at school when they have asked me for it or when I have felt it was the right thing to do (I think I have given it to 3 or 4 people.) I don't really care who reads my blog, but when it becomes something for people to talk about behind my back, then it bothers me.

When a couple in our ward found our blogs, they commented and thus let us know right away that they were reading. Others have told us at church or through emails. I appreciated knowing that they are there reading and knowing what is going on in my life. I would like the same from staff members at my school and other ward members and family (like an email or an in-person mention that they "found" my blog or that someone gave them the address). Even if they don't agree with my opinions, I think that is just respectful and "adult" of them to let me know. We can discuss it, or not discuss it, or agree to disagree. I just want to know.

I'm tired. I don't read blogs any more, at least not very much. One of my favorite things about blogging is the comments and conversations that result. Lately there hasn't been much of that. I feel invisible. I guess some of my readers don't comment because they prefer to talk about it behind my back. And those who used to comment are either too busy to read and/or comment, or they are afraid to because we are kind of "censoring" it for ward and stake leaders that read.

I am having a fabulous year at school. I love my husband and kids and we all get along great. I don't think any of my normal day-to-day life is causing me any more stress than usual. But I am at the end of my rope, on the verge of a nervous breakdown with everything church and blog related. I feel great at school, and then I come home and cry and yell the rest of the night. I can't get anything done that I need to do. I am not supporting my kids with their homework and lives like I need to, because I am mentally sick.

So, in an attempt to heal my soul, I am going to privatize my blog in a couple of days, and I am not going to send any invitations for anyone to read it. ( I've tried the private blog thing already, and no one knows when to read it and very few people comment, so why bother? ) I will be doing this so that I can go through and archive everything while I decide its fate. Maybe I can compile some of the most helpful posts into a new blog somewhere. Maybe you can let me know what your favorites are; the ones that have meant the most to you.

I am sitting here sobbing because I feel like I am saying goodbye to a whole bunch of friends that I don't even know. But I feel this is best to take care of myself and my family.

God be with you till we meet again!

Funk

I feel like I should blog; in fact, I have a couple of blog posts rattling around in my head that I need to write just to process them, but I seem to be in a funk of sorts.

These are the things I have not been doing very well or at all the past month:

• Cleaning the clutter in my room, off my desk, etc.
• Laundry (especially folding and putting away)
• Mending
• Updating finances
• Blogging
• Reading blogs
• Reaching out to friends by email that I have not heard from in a while.
• Yardwork: checking on the garden and picking produce, weeding, keeping the dead flowers trimmed back, watering the flowers on the porch, mowing the lawn.
• Planning and making dinner.
• Getting enough sleep.
• Excercising.
  
• Desiring intimacy. I want to want it, but I don't. Does that make sense? And Scott doesn't usually instigate anything, which is normal for us.
  

A quick side story to this last item to show how I am feeling and reacting lately: One day we went swimming as a family, and on the way home I told Scott we should take a shower when we got home. I looked at him with a sparkle in my eye, and he made some kind of comment indicating that he didn't have time or wasn't interested. When we got home, he got in the shower, and I got on my computer to check my email and ended up chatting with someone. Then I went in to take a shower and Scott told me he had taken an extra long shower, waiting for me to join him. But by this time, he was done and dressed. I fell apart. I sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed uncontrollably that I had missed my chance.

Anyway, on with my lists:

Here are things I like to do in the summer that I have not done at all:

• Reading novels.
• Updating family blog and scrapbooks.
• Sewing, knitting and other crafts.
• Taking the kids to the library.
• Hiking. (I cherish memories of hiking every year of my life growing up to the lakes near Brighton, like Catherine, Mary, Twin Lakes, etc.--I feel bad that my children will not have those same memories!)
• Going to the temple/taking my daughter to do baptisms at the temple.

Ok, I guess we have gone on a family road trip to the Black Hills (which was interesting, but nothing like a vacation.) And we have gone swimming a few times, and to the zoo a couple of times, and we went to the temple open house, and to Harry Potter the day it came out.

So I guess I haven't done nothing....

Here is mostly what I do all day:

• Playing Animal Crossing and/or watching my kids play Animal Crossing or other video games.
• Yelling at my kids to do their chores when I am not doing my own.
• Helping my children only when necessary.
• Shopping when necessary.
• Sitting around feeling blah and thinking about all of the things I should be doing, and about the fact that school starts again in less than a month.
• Crying.
  

Okay, so why am I in this funk?

• Every summer I spend some time being lazy out of necessity to recover from a busy school year. Last summer I spent time processing Scott's gayness. I guess there is still some of that to do, and will be for a long time, if not for the rest of my life.
• The accident involving Scott's nephew 4 weeks ago was really hard on me and threw me into some rough emotional spouts that I have not yet recovered from, even though he is doing just fine.
• Church stress, specifically with regards to the bishop's attitude.
  
• The good moho friend that we lost and I blame myself for. (Yesterday I overheard my 11 year old saying to the other kids, "We can never watch Wall-E or Hello Dolly again because that will remind us of [insert name] and we will probably never see him again.")

Blah. I hate being depressed and emotional. I asked our doctor yesterday about a referral for a therapist. I now need to fill out a packet and make an appointment. The tricky part will be getting myself to actually do it.

Meanwhile, Scott and/or Hidden: are we ever going to motivate each other to exercise? And Scott, is there anything you can do to help me with getting enough sleep? I am rather hopeless at the moment...

Misery loves company

Last week my daughter was telling me about how one girl told her that another girl didn't like her because she is too bossy. She was mad at this girl for talking badly about her. I found myself sounding like my mother (not sure if that is bad or good...) as I tried to comfort her. I explained to her that she should try not to worry about it, forgive the girl (realizing that junior high is a difficult age and often filled with this exact type of drama) and maybe use the information to evaluate her own actions and determine if the other girl's complaint was warranted. Has she ever done anything that this girl would perceive as bossiness without realizing it? And besides, is telling me this stuff about the other girl any better than said girl talking about my daughter in the first place? I reminded her to think about WWJD (What would Jesus do?) when she reacts to things like this. Then I started to sing, "I'm trying to be like Jesus" (because I have a habit of breaking into song when anything reminds me of a song.)

I really thought that my words were kind. I tried to empathize with her, sharing similar frustrating experiences from my own 7th grade year, and then adding some advice for how to make it more bearable.

Right after I started to sing, I heard my daughter make a weird growl and literally stomp her feet. Then she preceded to tell me (or yell at me, rather) about how she hates it when I try to make her feel better, especially when doing so causes me to burst into song. (She will be a teenager in less than a month, after all. It is at this age that my dad always said he would prefer that the child act their shoe size as opposed to their age. :)

Anyway. I stopped singing and stopped saying anything. We were walking together to pick up the youngest child from daycare, and we continued the last stretch in silence.

During the silence, I thought about what she had said. She didn't want me to try to make her feel better; she wanted me to be mad at this other girl with her.

Then I realized that I frequently do that on my blog. I often use it to vent about something that has upset me, and it always makes me feel better when the comments tell me I reacted the right way or that I had a right to be angry.

But when someone tries to put things in perspective for me, tries to help me feel better by analyzing what I could have done/could do differently to make life easier for everyone involved, I clam up and disable comments on my blog, because I don't want to read the comforting advice.

At times like this I must be chaneling some inner teenage Sarah that has never grown up. Why else would I so enjoy living high school over and over and over as a teacher? :)

Hm, thoughts to ponder.

Anyway, I guess a quote from my brother's wife's father (a navy man) is appropriate for me (and my daughter) sometimes . . . "A bitchin' Sailor is a happy Sailor." The problem is, no one else enjoys being around such a Sailor.

You know how parents sometimes say, "I hope you get a child just like you so that someday you will understand what you put me through." I think maybe I am beginning to understand. My poor parents. Poor Scott. Poor Hidden. (At least Hidden is not afraid to tell me when I need to shape up.)

:)

Demotivators

One of my favorite students shared an awesome website with me today.

For all of you out there that are so happy with life, here are some demotivators to help you feel worse for a change.

I love so many of them, but here are a few samples*:

*I realize I've stolen their images, but I am also linking to their site, so I hope they don't mind.

No matter how great and destructive your problems may seem now, remember, you've probably only seen the tip of them.

Hope may not be warranted at this point.

When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can turn into deadly projectiles.

Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.

I might just have to order some demotivator posters for my classroom. :)

Damaged

I am an overly sensitive person. I always have been. Even before Scott came out to me about 9 months ago, I was overly sensitive. I have always had a hard time at school when I have been criticized by a parent or or fellow-employee or administrator. I have always had a hard time at church when someone tells me that I have done something wrong. This was especially true when I served as primary president. I still have deep scars from things that happened between me and the bishop and me and one of my counselors at that time.

It is one of my weaknesses, my struggles, that I do not take criticism of any kind very well, even when it is presented with the best of intentions.

I also consider that my sensitivity is one of my strengths. It allows me to be overly compassionate and caring of my children, my students, my friends and family.

It is part of who I am, just like gayness is a part of who Scott is, and it therefore has a good and a bad side to it.

I have been damaged. Events at school 2 weeks ago were devastating to me, as one of my Young Women leaders from my past betrayed me and hurt me to my core. I am not saying that I am not to blame, just that I am damaged from the event.

I am damaged from neighbors that no longer call on my husband for computer help or priesthood blessings. They are still friendly and kind, and act like nothing has changed, when in fact it has, and it hurts.

I am damaged by a sister in my ward that is convinced I am on the road to apostasy (and I guess maybe I am) because of my views on Proposition 8, and she has taken it upon herself to call me to repentance in front of the entire Relief Society.

With each blow, I seem to become weaker instead of stronger. Even the tiniest and most benign and kind criticisms put me over the edge and into despair. I am more cynical, more critical, and I have less desire to do what I have always been taught and know that I need to do with regards to church attendance.

My blog has been my therapy, and loving comments from many new friends have been my salvation. But it is not all that anymore, and something must change.

Maybe I need to pay for some real therapy.

Maybe I need to up my dose of Zoloft.

Maybe I need to start a new blog and make it by invitation only.

For now, I am going to disable comments on my blog. If you have anything positive you would like to say, please email me personally. Otherwise, send your constructive criticism to Scott to screen for me while I heal.

It may seem that I am acting childish with this, but I need to do this now before I am even more uncomfortable at church, knowing that more and more of those around me are reading my blog. I want to let the ward members that do read my blog know that I am not mad at them, that I do not blame them. They have not hurt me; it is me that has allowed myself to be hurt. Just know that I need your prayers and your sincere acceptance more than anything right now.

~Sarah

To everything there is a season...

I haven't really felt a need to write about anything this week. In fact, the time I spend reading blogs is less and less all of the time, which is probably a good thing in several ways. It means that emotionally I am less dependent on it. (There was a time that reading all of the blogs seemed as important to me as air or food or sleep!) Also, it means that I can put more effort into spending more time with my children, and that is a very good thing. They have been extremely patient with me, but sometimes I think that they believe I love my computer and my blog and facebook friends more than I love them. Of course I needed to take care of myself first so that I could be whole and functional as a mom, but it is time to re-adjust how I use my spare time.

Anyway, I have no idea how frequent (or un-frequent) my blog posts might become, and also don't assume that I am reading your blog even though I follow it. If you need me, send me an email or facebook message and I will be glad to help! This week will be good for me to learn to spend less time on the computer because I have girl scout cookies to help deliver and parent/teacher conferences, so there will be very little time for anything else.

Thanks so much to all of you that have become my blog family. I am grateful to know you are all there when I need you. Goodnight.

Freedom and bonding

Yesterday I was thinking a lot about how my complete acceptance of Scott has brought us closer. I spent some time writing up my feelings in an email to a friend. It was like the spirit was guiding my thoughts and words. I did not intend for the email to be long, just short and supportive, but then the words started to flow and I could not stop them.

At times it would be nice to have a confirmation of some kind that gayness is not eternal. I would love to know that Scott will eventually be attracted to me and for eternity! But then I wonder if he will be the same wonderful person he is, or if losing that attraction would also change his personality and interests. I'm pretty sure that Scott's feelings will not change in this life, but I'm not sure that they will change in the next life either. Many of you guys have discussed this very topic on and off on your own blogs. I feel that Scott's gay feelings are actually an inherent part of his personality and interests, which are what I was attracted to about him in the first place, and what makes it so that we get along as well as we do. I personally like gay men best, and I feel that the benefits of being with Scott far outweigh any disappointments that come on occasion.

I have decided that the eternal possibility of being gay is not a question that Heavenly Father is going to answer for me right now. For some reason, I have to accept Scott for how he is without assuming that someday that will change. I am so grateful to have him in my life, and while sometimes I cringe at the thought that he is not attracted to me like I always thought he was, I have been able to move past that and just be grateful that he likes to be intimate with me because he truly wants me to be happy (and I believe it makes him happy as well, if for nothing else than to make me happy). I am also just so grateful that I am blessed with such a wonderful best friend as my eternal companion. At this point I have faith that God is leading my life and that I am where I am supposed to be right now, and whatever the future brings, whether Scott's gay feelings are set for eternity or not, I know that somehow everything will work out like it is supposed to.

It seems like one of the biggest problems in mixed orientation marriages is trust. I am so incredibly grateful that Scott was able to share his news to me (about being gay) within just a few weeks of discovering it himself. I know it was incredibly hard for him. He had no idea how I would react. In fact, we have had previous conversations that made him believe I would react badly and he was prepared for the worst. But as hard as it was, I was blessed to accept him. His parents believe that we were blessed to have this come into our lives after we had the time we needed to already have an incredible relationship with each other.

Of course our marriage wasn't without its lack of intimacy (and some conflict because of it) as most MOMs are, but I had already worked through the frustration and was beginning to accept that Scott is just not as horny as I am :), but that it didn't mean he didn't love me. I wanted him to seek a medical reason for it because he appeared to be as frustrated with it as I was. And then lo and behold, we find the answer, and in finding the answer, it made it easier to be intimate. It made it more selfless. Each of us became much more concerned about making the other person happy and much less about ourselves. We communicated more about what was good and what was not so good without worrying about hurting each other's feelings. With his revelation to me in July, our anniversary in August resembled our honeymoon. It was wonderful time together. Now our intimate life has slowed down again, but this time it is not so frustrating.

Okay, I didn't plan to put all that about our sex life in there, but there it is. Now back to the topic at hand. Trust.

So, as I was saying, I was lucky to have Scott fully communicate with me early on, but that does not mean I think any less of the men that are not yet able to be that open with their wives. It is SO hard for them. As I read blogs and communicate with other gay husbands, it seems to be such an overwhelming thing for them to be completely open with their wives about who they are. They do not feel like they have our complete trust until they can tell us anything about the things they think, feel, dream about, etc., and we are willing to listen and love them without passing judgment, acting hurt, or trying to give advice. And it is not easy to do! At times Scott has been hesitant to tell me something, but then I convince him to tell me anyway (like a dream he's had or something), and as he tells me, he is so worried that telling me will hurt me. And sometimes it does hurt a bit; at first it hurt a lot, but I tried my best to forget about myself, push my own pain away, so that I could be there for his pain. If he thought that it hurt me every time he tried to be open with me, then he would stop communicating with me so openly. And, as a result of his being so open with me, the hurt I used to feel when he told me things does not hurt as much any more. The pain is less and less as I realize how much he really does love me, really does not want to hurt me, and really is not responsible for the way he feels or thinks about things.

For some reason, God blessed me to know that I needed to love Scott unconditionally without trying to judge him or convince him of how he should live his life. The result has been that he has drawn closer to me, trusted me with all of his deepest, darkest secrets, and asked me for advice. I try not to tell him what I think he should do unless he asks for my opinion, and then usually I still turn it back to him to decide. I will usually say something like, "Whatever you think is best. I would suggest, though, that you pray about it to know that it is okay." The freedom that I give him helps him to have a greater desire to not be free from me. It increases the bond between us.

This same topic was mentioned by a couple of people on the Northstar friends and family list yesterday.

One thing a wise bishop once told me was that sometimes, when our loved ones are struggling more than we've ever seen them struggle before, and all we want to do is help in the worst way, sometimes that's what we do, we help, in the worst way. I know this may not apply to you, but it brought great comfort to my life. The bishop continued on and said sometimes all you can do is just let them know you love them, and let them fight through it themselves. Sometimes this is the case, and sometimes we need to intervene into their lives. I pray that you will have the divine guidance you are seeking to receive answers in how to help your son.

And another...

...But the advice you were given about loving them as they are is so valuable. I think this takes time to cultivate however, as you deal with initial hurt. I remember [someone] teaching a class in Evergreen saying how dare we try to deny our children their free agency. That really hit me. It has been easier in the years since. He talks to us more and is more open. I do believe that as we live the gospel more perfectly we will be blessed. And I do realize that this challenge is as much for our learning as theirs.

I feel like I am giving a talk or something, but "In closing" :), I just want to testify that I know these thoughts are so true, that as we allow our gay loved ones more freedom to choose their own path, that the bond between us can increase, and chances are greater that our open acceptance will more likely help them choose the path that WE want them to choose. Not always, but sometimes. And if they choose another path, it is not our job to judge them, but to love and support them unconditionally.

Wow. Serendipity. I am so grateful for my blog. :)

One last thing, married MoHos, and I know some of you are sick of me saying this, but tell your wives EVERYTHING, the sooner the better. You can't go back in time, but regret does not do any good at this point. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss! There is NO DAY BUT TODAY! (Thanks for the quote from Rent, D., it is my new motto!) Imagine how much of your lives you are missing by not telling and starting the healing and bonding that could be there for you! Of course, as always, follow the spirit to know what is best for your own life personally, because my advice may not be for you, but I am so grateful for it in my own life!

God bless!

Thoughts on entering the queerosphere

This post is in response to Mike, who is trying to figure out how to tell his wife about his blog.

I was trying to remember how I found out about Scott's blog. I think it just was part of our discussion the first few days.

The night he came out to me, he spoke of the incredible acceptance and friends he had found online. I was still in shock and so everything he said that night was just part of the huge fuzzy blur going through my head.

The next morning, after we had embraced and cried in the kitchen, he was sensitive of my feelings and yet anxious to let his friends know how everything had gone with me. He said that these new friends were praying and worrying for him, knowing of his intent to tell me everything the night before. He needed to calm their worries and let them know that I hadn’t kicked him out or anything.

Suddenly it wasn't as fuzzy in my brain as it was the night before. It was kind of weird to think that there was this whole group of people that I knew nothing about that for the last 10 days or so knew more about my husband than I did.

I was anxious to know more about this new part of his life. I started asking him lots of questions about his online "family". I started trying to read over his shoulder as he was emailing and blogging. He instantly stopped typing because he HATES it when I read over his shoulder, but he understood at that point how important it was for him to have my trust, to be completely open and honest with me.

So sometimes he was willing to let me read what he had written when he was done. And sometimes he sheepishly said "I'm not ready to let you read that yet, but probably sometime soon." I knew this was a journey for both of us, and I did not want to cause him more pain, so I did not question his request.

I stopped pressuring him to show me where his blog was, but when he told me he had blogged about something that we had gone through together (like coming out to the kids), I asked him if I could read it, and he printed it for me to read so that he could still keep his blog address from me.

It didn't take very long before he realized how sincerely interested I was in everything he was thinking and feeling and experiencing, and he realized that he had also already pretty much told me everything that he had blogged about. So he voluntarily told me where it was.

I didn't read everything at once. As I started reading some of the posts, I realized that maybe I wasn't ready for everything, so I would skim and skip what I wasn't comfortable with.

Because we were so open about everything, we would sometimes talk about the other blogs he read, and soon I started taking interest in these people and reading their blogs. He was specifically drawn to Beck. He shared some of Beck’s sagas with me. He managed to get Beck to start emailing him. I wanted to be in on the conversation, not because I didn’t trust him, but because I was trying to learn all I could about this new “elephant” in our lives. He asked Beck if it was okay if I read the emails. They both started CC-ing me into the conversation. Thinking back on that now, I think it is very impressive that they would both be okay with that. Anyway, one of Beck’s emails mentioned something about his wife. I wanted to respond to him with some advice, and Scott was gone to work when the email came in; otherwise I would have told Scott the message and had him pass it on. I dithered about it for a few minutes, and then decided to go ahead. Beck was grateful, but thought it was really weird that I would email him personally. The conversation continued between the three of us, and I was grateful for the things that I learned from Beck. He was a priceless part of my journey at that point.

(Kind of a funny side note: we had been emailing with Beck pretty much every day for a few days, and then for a few days there was no email from him. One of the days, we were both kind of weird around each other, but we didn’t really know why. Finally, we started to talk about why we were weird. It turns out we were both wishing for an email from Beck and wondering if the other person had received one and we had not been cc’d into the conversation. We got a good laugh out of that one, and decided then and there that it was always better to talk about what was on our minds instead of letting it fester first.)

I started reading Beck’s blog regularly. Then I started commenting once in a while. Beck told me I should start a blog because I had a lot to offer to the Mohos in MOMs in this community. Finally I did, and I am so grateful for the acceptance and friendship and advice that I have received in doing so. It has been an incredible experience. To any other straight wives out there, I highly recommend reading and then jumping in and participating in this community when ready. It has truly been something to get me through tough things in my life, both things relating to the gay thing as well as things just simply relating to me, my job, my testimony, etc.

Confusion

I've been having a hard time for a while now. My happiness and ability to deal with life has been up and down, but lately a bit more down than up.

I am so tired of waking up nervous, throwing up, and then gagging down my breakfast like I've been doing for 3 weeks now. (And no, I'm not pregnant. It's just nerves.) I'm tired of not being able to concentrate and accomplish much during my planning time at school. I'm tired of blaming myself for every little thing...

Yesterday I went through a horrible guilty phase. I feel guilty about asking Scott to get up early (he is SO not a morning person) to make my lunch for me because I feel too sick to do it myself. I feel guilty about never wanting to plan or make dinner. I feel guilty about having Scott feed pills to my cat twice a day, from which he now has a few scratches and gashes; a cat he doesn't even want and never really wanted in the first place. I feel guilty that I am so hard to live with, so emotional and unhappy and anxious and dependent. Guilty that every night I need a bedtime snack and ask Scott to make me a smoothie or something. Guilty that I put him through so much, and with all that, he still doesn't have the reward of living with someone that he can feel fully attracted to and emotionally connected to like he quietly longs for.

Now I feel guilty because he is worried that he is the cause of my unhappiness. He longs for me to be happy and to truly understand and believe how much he DOES love me.

I have always been an emotional person, prone to guilt and anxiety. He's always wished that he could find a way to help me be happier.

Today he asked me if certain things he blogs or talks to me about or shows me make me weird. He seemed very sad when he asked. I told him I didn't know. I don't know if it is his being gay, or his talking to me about such things, or Proposition 8, or my struggles with student behavior at school this year, or day-in, day-out struggles with raising children and remembering everything that needs done, like homework and lessons and scout meetings, and making sure everything that needs laundered gets laundered in time for soccer or school or whatever. And making the house payment and the car payment and tithing and...

I told him that I think it is everything.

Everything piling on and making me feel like I just can't do it anymore. I was barely surviving the kids and work and church jobs and finances in my life last year, now add to that new information about my marriage and the choice not to agree with the leaders of the church, and everything else that has come from the gay thing, and it is just too much!

I think I need to stay away from the blogs for a while, but I can't. I come home from work and find Scott blogging and chatting. He is so consumed with all of this, and I think he is doing a lot of good for others. I'm grateful that he has made friends and found acceptance and is helping others do the same, but because he can't stay away from it, neither can I.

I know that some people who read our blogs think things are perfect for us and that maybe they want what we have. But, oh, I caution you to know that it is not easy, that the reason we are getting by is because we are such good friends. But it is still so confusing and uncertain at times.

I was so strong in July and August when everything happened. Scott and I both marveled at my strength (because we both know how weak I am). We realized that I was getting help from beyond, from my Heavenly Father and perhaps from Scott's deceased mother.

But now as I look back on the summer, I remember some of the hard days and that brings back some of the thoughts and emotions I was having at the time, only now I am weak instead of strong, and I am not handling them very well.

A conversation with a student about the movie "Wall-E" reminded me of the feelings I was going through the day after Scott came out to me. In an effort to distract ourselves from the life-changing event, we took our kids to the movie. Not a good time for a cute little romantic entertainment.

I'm so confused and sometimes I just want to go back to last year and forget that any of this ever happened...

But then I see the good that is coming from it too: the help and advice we can give others, the opportunity to educate our families, and especially our children, about tolerance and understanding. I have actually been elated today with glimpses into how this is giving us the opportunity to help others.

But oh, it is hard, and I am just so confused right now about how to pull myself together and accomplish what I need to accomplish.

Meanwhile, I keep pondering another statement from my patriarchal blessing, trying to figure out how to do it..."You will find joy in living, for happiness comes from within."

I think I just want to let Scott hold me for a while.

Disclaimer

It has come to my attention that my presence in this blogging community may be keeping some of you from letting your blog be the venting experience that you need it to be for fear that I am probably reading. While I admit that I am branching out and reading more blogs than I used to, I do not quite fit in (for obvious reasons) and so some of the blog posts intrigue me more than others. I tend to skim them, and if there is anything I don't want to read about closely, I don't. Also, those of you whose blogs I do read, I know what makes you who you are, at least to an extent (I am married to one of you, after all) and I do not judge you for your thoughts and feelings.

I hope that you understand what I am trying to say. Participating in this community has been great for me, and some of you have expressed that you like having me here. I hope that this is really true.

All I can say is please be yourselves and don't worry about offending me or wondering what I might think of you. I really have learned so much from all of you, and I think that is part of the reason that I am so understanding of Scott, so thank you.

If any of you would feel better if you knew that I was not reading your blog, then please email me or Dichotomy and let me know. I will not be offended, and please trust that I will honor your request.