Friday, October 9, 2009

Blog Stress

When I first started blogging, it was amazing. I had already started reading a lot of blogs, and we had this fabulous community that read and commented and helped each other through the tough times of proposition 8. It was very therapeutic for me to work through my thoughts and feelings, and it brought me an amazing feeling of happiness and peace when I found out (through comments and emails) that it was answering other people's prayers, giving them peace and comfort to know that they are not alone, and even bringing some of them back into the church.

But lately it seems that my blog has become the source of all of my stress. Of course there is my temple recommend, and the main issue with that is this blog. And then I found out today that there are rumors going around school among staff members that read my blog. Of course I have chosen to make my blog public, and I have actually given the URL to some of my close friends at school when they have asked me for it or when I have felt it was the right thing to do (I think I have given it to 3 or 4 people.) I don't really care who reads my blog, but when it becomes something for people to talk about behind my back, then it bothers me.

When a couple in our ward found our blogs, they commented and thus let us know right away that they were reading. Others have told us at church or through emails. I appreciated knowing that they are there reading and knowing what is going on in my life. I would like the same from staff members at my school and other ward members and family (like an email or an in-person mention that they "found" my blog or that someone gave them the address). Even if they don't agree with my opinions, I think that is just respectful and "adult" of them to let me know. We can discuss it, or not discuss it, or agree to disagree. I just want to know.

I'm tired. I don't read blogs any more, at least not very much. One of my favorite things about blogging is the comments and conversations that result. Lately there hasn't been much of that. I feel invisible. I guess some of my readers don't comment because they prefer to talk about it behind my back. And those who used to comment are either too busy to read and/or comment, or they are afraid to because we are kind of "censoring" it for ward and stake leaders that read.

I am having a fabulous year at school. I love my husband and kids and we all get along great. I don't think any of my normal day-to-day life is causing me any more stress than usual. But I am at the end of my rope, on the verge of a nervous breakdown with everything church and blog related. I feel great at school, and then I come home and cry and yell the rest of the night. I can't get anything done that I need to do. I am not supporting my kids with their homework and lives like I need to, because I am mentally sick.

So, in an attempt to heal my soul, I am going to privatize my blog in a couple of days, and I am not going to send any invitations for anyone to read it. ( I've tried the private blog thing already, and no one knows when to read it and very few people comment, so why bother? ) I will be doing this so that I can go through and archive everything while I decide its fate. Maybe I can compile some of the most helpful posts into a new blog somewhere. Maybe you can let me know what your favorites are; the ones that have meant the most to you.

I am sitting here sobbing because I feel like I am saying goodbye to a whole bunch of friends that I don't even know. But I feel this is best to take care of myself and my family.

God be with you till we meet again!


Kengo Biddles said...

I'm sorry things have gone the way they have for you. I read your blog! I think somethings are just so well said that I don't have anything to add -- like Lincoln and the silence that followed the Gettysburg Address.

MoHoHawaii said...

I've followed your blog from the beginning and think you've done a great job with it. Telling your story as you have helps so many people. When it comes to gay issues and mixed-orientation marriages, silence is the enemy.

I will be sorry to see this blog go. It pains me to see you hounded off here by ecclesiastical leaders with "control issues" and gossiping acquaintances. It seems so petty.

I think you are a great person and a wonderful example of the very best that Mormon culture has to offer. Your sincerity, honesty and love for others will serve you well.

Big hugs.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I still love to read your blog! I usually don't comment becuase I feel like I don't have much to say, but I do talk with others about you guys and how I look up to you guys for what you do. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm still here!

Good to be Free said...

We will miss you as well. You and Scott were some of the first blogs that we read. I remember it was like Christmas morning. I spent hours reading every post. You certainly have had an effect of us and I'm sure many others.

Please keep in touch. I guess this will force us to be more proactive in getting updated on how you and Scott are doing, rather than just peaking in from time to time.

We really really, one more time for emphasis, really appreciate you and Scott. Thanks

Anonymous said...

Sarah, you have been so brave. So strong. Your willingness to be open, to publicly open your heart this past year is admirable. I feel initially this was where you could express your feelings and get objective feedback. I'm saddened to read it has become something else for you and a weapon of sorts for others. Terri

I'm also sorry I haven't been very supportive lately. I've had a few terrible days myself and feel I'm barely hanging on by the edge of my fingertips. (I didn't want to burden you with all that as I know you're doing your best to hang in there too)

Anyway, You must always do what's best for you and your family. As far as saying "goodbye" to friends you don't even me dear Sarah, I know at least in my case (and I'm sure in many others) you know more about me than people I've "known" for years and years. You are the only one who knows I sit for days crying until it hurts so much I feel like if I cry one more tear by face is going to break. You are the only one who knows there are days when I'm so sad I don't have the strength to do much more than sit perfectly still and listen to my breathe waiting for it to stop. You are the only one who knows there are days I feel I've lost it all. In my world and due to my husbands bipolar issues in addition to the other issues in our marriage there's no one to pick me up or wait for me. I'm alone in the darkness. There is no life. There is no joy. There is only depression. I am only here for the kids and even that is more about just doing the basics to get by. I'm not the parent I should be or want to be right now. It's a full time job just trying to hide my pain from them and I know I'm not really even doing a very good job of that but it's the best I can do.

You have been so strong this past year. Take a break and do what you can to renew yourself. Maybe just "listen" for a while and see what that brings. Maybe then you'll feel more "at home" sharing. Maybe then your hands will have a purpose, your relationships to others will be clear and comfortable. Come back when you're ready. Listen and maybe you'll find what you're looking for. I know how much you want to do but maybe the battle is too much for one woman. Maybe, just maybe you're expecting too much of make all these people understand.

It upsets me so much to hear how hurt you are because I understand your motives so well. But, I also know (in all my years of wisdom and living!) the one true thing I've learned in life and especially through this crisis is this: People never disappoint me in their ability to disappoint.

Terri said...

Sorry that was me above!


Fraction said...

I am wondering why you let what people think or don't think about you bother you? Yes, I agree, it is VERY petty for your people at school to talk about you behind your back. They are freaks. Who needs them?
It is YOUR blog, not anyone else's. YOU have the right to write what you want to and need to. YOU do NOT have to censor for anyone- the constitution allows you the freedom to voice your opinions.
It seems to me that all these others out there who are "dictating" what you can and cannot do- well, they do not matter in the scheme of things.
So, I guess if you want them to win out, you will go private and not share your life with your community you have helped build here.
Your choice what you do. NOT anyone else's MANDATE. YOU are free to do what YOU want and need to!! If you need to go private for YOU, then do it. But, do not use other people as an excuse to disappear.

Alan said...

Sometimes Joan of Arc needed a rest too. But she didn't disappear.

Carter Niven said...

We did that several months ago. We are in a very small community, and wrote many things about ourselves. In time some of the people we knew started reading our blog, and it made us more uncomfortable (I am a teacher like you).

Since that time people have learned from us about our situation - on our own terms, from our own mouth. I can talk about it will the teachers at school.

I'm sure there are rumours... but at least they are creatively made rather than from our blog.

Matt said...

You can always come back if you get the urge.

El Genio said...

I appreciate so much what you and Scott both do. Closing down this blog doesn't mean that you are saying goodbye to all your friends though. You can still read & comment on other blogs as often as you feel like.

Amigakitty said...

Thank you for sometimes putting things in my head into words and makes it seem to make sense. I wish you peace and hope that happiness and love surrounds you and your family.

Andrea Jessup said...

Sarah so sorry ur feeling so down and out right now. Life will get better but in the meantime u need to take sometime to think about urself and put urself first. As I read ur different blogs I see u always being selfless and putting ur husband and family and friends first and that is a wonderful quality that u have but if u never take sometime to think about u or put u first u will eventually melt down completely. U and Scott r both wonderful people and I am glad to have the opportunity to call u both family. I hope u will soon be able to work through all ur stress and sadness and get on top of the world again. U deserve it take care and hang in there remember "he never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it!" Keep on keeping ur faith and being strong and things will work out.....Love ur cuzin Andrea

Anonymous said...

Sometimes we need the quiet. I hope you find your center and your truth within it.

lanabanana said...

Sometimes, you've gotta do what you've gotta do, but I will be sad to see this blog go. It came at just the right time for me, when I was shouting, "If there are men in MOM's that are working, why aren't they sharing that?!! It's something to be proud of!" And then, I was directed to you and Scott.

I'm very supportive of you no longer posting, if that's the best thing for you, but I also hate to see you do it because of others. You need to do what is best for YOU, not what you feel pressure to do.


Original Mohomie said...

I've been reading blogs a bit more lately, but I generally don't read many except for those of people I know personally. I honestly don't read every post by you and Scott, but I read most, even though we've only met incidentally.

And I find it easier to comment in light and fluffy ways, and there generally seem to be plenty of others commenting on your blog, so I feel it's unnecessary to add my two cents most of the time (as others have said, you often say enough that it seems superfluous to 'add' to it).

Breaks are good sometimes. It's not the death of anyone, just closing the book for a bit while you figure out how to respond. I understand needing that time. I hope everything turns out well and those around you act like mature adults who communicate rather than whispering dramatically in the teacher's lounge. Silly teachers. I've heard being a teacher comes with extra cautions. With the either valid or irrational concerns of parents and administrators, you've gotta do what you've gotta do. Best to you!

dcr said...

i wish you only the best. i have prob never commented but greatly appreciate the time you took to share your thoughts. my problmes/situations are not similar to yours however i have been encouraged by your difficulty in reconciling a church and a faith. i am a firm believer that the gospel is true but people are flawed.

my best wishes to you and your family, always. i'll check back occasionally, in case you decide to post more. be well!

Anonymous said...

I understand where you're coming from, but I hope you re-consider. I've been reading your blog for the last several months and will miss it if it's not here anymore. You've helped a lot of people. God bless you.

Anonymous said...

I have enjoyed reading your blog since I found it by accident. Thank you for taking the time to post and I apologize for never commenting. I wish you the best of luck.

Bravone said...

Sarah, I understand how you feel and have taken breaks off and on when blogging turns from healing to burdensome. I hope the reprieve helps bring more peace and calm to you. Please don't be a stranger.

Sarah said...

Wow, I didn't imagine that I would get so many comments on this post. I am incredibly grateful to those of you who have shared your thoughts and feelings with me, both through comments here as well as in other messages and chats. I am overwhelmed by the love that I feel from all of you, and I am uplifted and strengthened.

Fortunately, I have other means of staying in touch with many of you (email, phone, facebook), so please stay in contact with me and I will try to do the same. I was mostly saying goodbye to many of you that read but that I have not had the opportunity to get to know yet. I am thinking and hoping that closing the blog will be temporary, both so that I can move some things to my private blog and so that I can experiment for a while with how it affects my stress level.

Meanwhile, I will continue posting a few things on my private blog as needed.

Again, thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of your life.

Amy said...

I don't know you, but I read your blog and I love it. I admire your courage and your love and I pray that you and your husband find the peace and joy you are seeking. You are a very brave woman. God bless.