Gratitude for good friends

I kind of feel bad that my readers think I live in a horrible ward, when I really don't. Even the worst of my ward members still have the best of intentions.

Day-to-day events today reminded me of all the great friends I have here and the little things that mean so much to me, so I started making a mental list of some of those things.

I am grateful for ward members who...

* Take my son to soccer practice and trust me to take their sons as well.
* Text me to remind me of cub scouting events.
* Offer for my daughter to join the youth symphony carpool, even though I only help on occaison when one of the other two families involved need a substitute.
* Drop by with cards and treats and time to visit even though they do not have a calling that obligates them to do so.
* Buy me cool things that remind them of me, like an apple-shaped pin painted in rainbow colors. :)
* Move our garbage and recycling bins on and off the street when our kids (or us) forget!
* Insist on returning baby clothes to us that we gave to them with no intention of getting them back, even though they are also expecting a baby boy in the near future.

I'm sure I've missed remembering a few things. I know many of them pray for us and hope for the best for us, even if they are too awkward about things to start honest conversations that let me know they really care, or offer us advice we don't want to hear ( like "keep praying about it and you will get an answer that the church is doing God's will with regards to gay marriage"), or talk to the bishop about their concerns with our blogs instead of directly to us.

Still, for the most part I am grateful, and I am going to try harder to recognize the efforts and the good within their hearts, and I am going to pray and try harder to forgive those who have hurt us, hoping that they will also try harder to soften their hearts and to understand and accept us for who we are.

Isn't that what life is really all about? Making mistakes and learning from them and trying harder just to love one another as our Savior asked us to do? I believe so.

I hope they will forgive me for anything I have written in this blog that has hurt any of them. But this is an honest recording of my journey, for myself and others to learn from, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Please forgive me for being publicly honest. Love you all. Thanks for being my neighbors and friends.

P.S. I still would like to know who in the ward is reading my blog, please. :D

Discusion 2: Discerning of Spirits

Well, let's try this again. Last week's lesson ended up being a little bit boring. Thank you to those of you who threw some insight in there! I think this next one has a bit more potential...

A couple of weeks ago in Relief Society, we had lesson #33 from the Joseph Smith manual about gifts of the spirit.

At the end of the lesson, the teacher put considerable emphasis on the gift discerning of spirits, and the lesson talked about how many will not be able to discern messages from evil spirits as being evil and instead will think that they are in fact the Holy Ghost. As usual, my mind seemed to wonder if there are those around us in our ward and family that feel we are being lead astray by these evil spirits.

Here is the portion of the lesson on the subject:

The gift of discerning of spirits allows the faithful to distinguish between the influence of good and evil spirits.

In the early days of the restored Church, members of the Church, as well as members of other religious groups, sometimes acted upon influences from evil or false spirits, believing they were under the influence of the Holy Ghost. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught: “Recent occurrences that have transpired amongst us render it an imperative duty devolving upon me to say something in relation to the spirits by which men are actuated.

“It is evident from the Apostles’ writings [in the New Testament], that many false spirits existed in their day, and had ‘gone forth into the world,’ and that it needed intelligence which God alone could impart to detect false spirits, and to prove what spirits were of God [see 1 John 4:1–4]. The world in general have been grossly ignorant in regard to this one thing, and why should they be otherwise—‘for no man knows the things of God, but by the Spirit of God.’ [See 1 Corinthians 2:11.] …

“There always did, in every age, seem to be a lack of intelligence pertaining to this subject. Spirits of all kinds have been manifested, in every age, and almost amongst all people. … All have their spirits, all have a supernatural agency, and all contend that their spirits are of God. Who shall solve the mystery? ‘Try the spirits,’ says John [1 John 4:1], but who is to do it? The learned, the eloquent, the philosopher, the sage, the divine—all are ignorant. … Who can drag into daylight and develop the hidden mysteries of the false spirits that so frequently are made manifest among the Latter-day Saints? We answer that no man can do this without the Priesthood, and having a knowledge of the laws by which spirits are governed; for as ‘no man knows the things of God, but by the Spirit of God,’ so no man knows the spirit of the devil, and his power and influence, but by possessing intelligence which is more than human, and having unfolded through the medium of the Priesthood the mysterious operations of his devices. …

“A man must have the discerning of spirits before he can drag into daylight this hellish influence and unfold it unto the world in all its soul-destroying, diabolical, and horrid colors; for nothing is a greater injury to the children of men than to be under the influence of a false spirit when they think they have the Spirit of God. Thousands have felt the influence of its terrible power and baneful effects. …

“As we have noticed before, the great difficulty lies in the ignorance of the nature of spirits, of the laws by which they are governed, and the signs by which they may be known; if it requires the Spirit of God to know the things of God; and the spirit of the devil can only be unmasked through that medium, then it follows as a natural consequence that unless some person or persons have a communication, or revelation from God, unfolding to them the operation of the spirit, they must eternally remain ignorant of these principles; for I contend that if one man cannot understand these things but by the Spirit of God, ten thousand men cannot; it is alike out of the reach of the wisdom of the learned, the tongue of the eloquent, the power of the mighty. And we shall at last have to come to this conclusion, whatever we may think of revelation, that without it we can neither know nor understand anything of God, or the devil; and however unwilling the world may be to acknowledge this principle, it is evident from the multifarious creeds and notions concerning this matter that they understand nothing of this principle, and it is equally as plain that without a divine communication they must remain in ignorance. …

“A man must have the discerning of spirits, as we before stated, to understand these things, and how is he to obtain this gift if there are no gifts of the Spirit? And how can these gifts be obtained without revelation? ‘Christ ascended into heaven, and gave gifts to men; and He gave some Apostles, and some Prophets, and some Evangelists, and some Pastors and Teachers’ [see Ephesians 4:8, 11]. And how were Apostles, Prophets, Pastors, Teachers and Evangelists chosen? By prophecy (revelation) and by laying on of hands:—by a divine communication, and a divinely appointed ordinance—through the medium of the Priesthood, organized according to the order of God, by divine appointment. The Apostles in ancient times held the keys of this Priesthood—of the mysteries of the kingdom of God, and consequently were enabled to unlock and unravel all things pertaining to the government of the Church, the welfare of society, the future destiny of men, and the agency, power and influence of spirits; for they could control them at pleasure, bid them depart in the name of Jesus, and detect their mischievous and mysterious operations when trying to palm themselves upon the Church in a religious garb, and militate against the interest of the Church and spread of truth. …

“… Our Savior, the Apostles, and even the members of the Church were endowed with this gift, for, says Paul, ‘To one is given the gift of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the discerning of spirits.’ [See 1 Corinthians 12:10.] All these proceeded from the same Spirit of God, and were the gifts of God. … No man nor set of men without the regularly constituted authorities, the Priesthood and discerning of spirits, can tell true from false spirits.”

“Lying spirits are going forth in the earth. There will be great manifestations of spirits, both false and true. … Every spirit, or vision, or singing, is not of God. … The gift of discerning spirits will be given to the Presiding Elder. Pray for him that he may have this gift.”

What do you think about this quote? How can we truly recognize when a prompting is from God and when it is not? How can we make sure that we are not being lead astray?

Again, I would love to see a discussion on this in our virtual MoHo ward!

Callings

I am always on a natural high after our MoHo parties--meeting new people, wonderful hugs from all these gorgeous men, fabulous music sung at the top of our lungs (I hope the neighbors enjoyed it--the windows were open). And I usually come away having learned something, having felt what I think are strong spiritual impressions about my purpose in life.

In addition to many Mohos as usual, Ron Schow came last night. He is a professor at Idaho State University where he has taught for the past thirty years. He is the author of numerous books and journal articles and was one of the editors of Peculiar People: Mormons and Same Sex Orientation (Signature Books, 1991). He is also one of the authors of A Guide for Latter-Day Saint Families: Dealing with Homosexual Attraction (2002, available at Deseret Book). Yes, he is an active member of the church, but is also very much a gay advocate and, like us, would love to see a change in the way that the church deals with gay members.

Part of the reason he came (besides to meet us, and other bloggers, I assume) was to ask Scott and I to help him with what he considers a mission, to help members of the church really understand what being gay is all about, and learning to be more tolerant and accepting. As Ron and I sat at the kitchen table, conversing between insanely loud spurts of kareoke, my heart was touched, and I swear the spirit was speaking to me again, that I have an important calling to do, that I am on the right path, and that I do not need to be afraid.

I was overcome with the significance of that calling as I bid Beck farewell, he and I briefly speaking of his wonderful wife, and marveling at my acceptance of everything. How could I possibly be this accepting of Scott and everyone else that walks through our door without God's help? He has given me what I need to do what He needs me to do, and I can't give up--I can't give up at school or at church, and I also cannot stop going to church--I am needed there more than anywhere else!

I felt the calling again as I read a message to an email list I am on for friends and family of gay mormons. The message was written to a mother who is new to the list and to the idea of her return-missionary son being gay.

"Yes, it is lonely. Your life will never be the same, but you will make many wonderful friends and gain much understanding and grace. And you will probably believe, as many of us do, that this is a new calling for us. For if not us...who?"

The feeling was confirmed in my heart again this morning as I pondered the messages in word and song in Sacrament meeting. The first talk was about the Welfare program of the church, emphasized by sweet personal stories of service for those in need. The final message of the talk was that the main blessing of the welfare program is letting people know that God loves each of them and is mindful of their situations.

The story was shared of the Prophet Elijah, and how God told him to seek food and shelter from a poor widow, who didn't even have enough food for herself and her son, I believe. But God told Elijah to ask, and the widow to share, and though it did not logically make sense, they had faith and obeyed, and were both blessed, the widow blessed with all the food she needed for her family to make it through that tough time.

I compared this story to my own situation: there are those who would argue that God would never ask us to do something that seems contrary to what the prophets or inspired leaders tell us, but I am certain that God has given me a message over and over the last few months. I am certain that I not only need to be tolerant of gay marriage, I need to rejoice in it so that I can completely fulfill my calling, helping my gay friends to know that God loves them and is mindful of them. I don't think that message would come as strongly to them if I had the opinion that "God loves you, but..." Does that make sense? I have come to completely accept it and agree with it so that I can completely love and accept each of them, and express that to others that I come in contact with at church and school. Eventually, attitudes will change, even if there will be a lot of battles along the way.

I participated in a musical number today in Sacrament meeting that goes right along with the idea of following God's plan for me. It is written by Alice and Larry Beebe:

Here am I, take my hand
Savior lead me through this land.
Hear my humble plea for courage,
In this world of sin and strife.
Oh, Savior please guide my life.

Here am I, take my hand
Walk beside me in this land.
Let me hear the voice of knowledge,
Understanding truths today.
Oh Savior, please lead the way.

Here am I a warrior, in the battle of saving souls.
Here are these my willing hands.
Give me strength to renew this sacred trust,
Sacred trust.

Here am I, take my hand
Savior lead me through this land.
I stand ready now to serve thee,
Hand in Hand eternally.
Standing firm with my Savior,
Obedient to promises
Oh, Savior, I come to thee.

Do you think in the life before this one that I make a promise to my Savior that I now have to keep, one that will not be easy, but will certainly be worth it? I think so, I really do.

In Sunday School (aren't you proud of me for going to all of my meetings, while Scott was off after our Sacrament meeting with Ron Schow to a different Sacrament meeting and Sunday School?) we were discussing Doctrine and Covenants section 46 and spiritual gifts. After we read through the entire section of material, the teacher asked if we thought there were any other spiritual gifts that were not listed in the text.

The first one that was suggested was a gift of compassion. Has God given me personally the spiritual gifts that I need to complete this calling? Yes, I believe he has, but it will also require the gift of courage, and as courageous as I may seem sometimes, I really do need more.

Relief Society took a shocking turn today as the lesson finished by discussing the 10 virgins and the qualities that we need to develop within ourselves to fill our own lamps with oil. The teacher ended by asking if we had seen or heard about Miss California in the Miss USA pageant. She asked a sister who nodded to tell us about it and then other people began to comment. Even I commented about hearing her say on the news that she felt she had been blessed with the opportunity to share her viewpoint with the country. They talked about her courage to stand up for what she believes, and then of course the comments turned into her standing up for what is right.

The time was up and the meeting ended. As I gathered hymnbooks and put them away, I was in awe with myself for not being upset. I was able to sit through a brief gay marriage discussion and still feel calm and happy at the end.

I also thought about, how, if there had been more time, I would have liked to say that I was impressed with Miss CA's courage to say what she believed, but that I am equally impressed by Mormons who have the courage to say what they believe, even when it is the opposite view in favor of gay marriage. I thought of my courage and my daughter's courage to interview for that documentary, and now I hope with all of my heart, that like Miss California, my voice will be heard by those who need to hear it all over this nation.

I am invigorated and blessed by what I have learned about myself this weekend, for the person I am becoming and for the renewed strength I have found to carry on.

An inspired visitor at school

The Monday before school started, I went into school to start working on putting my classroom together. I was not required to be there that day, but chose to go and get a jump-start on things.

When I got there, I realized I was not the only one with the same idea. I went into the classroom of one of my coworkers to welcome him back from summer. We talked about some of the exciting events of his summer break, and then the customary question came to me. “How was your summer?” This wasn’t the first time I had been asked this question. To some people I have been able to respond “Good, yours?” but mostly I have just been responding, “Interesting. It has been an interesting summer.” Depending on the person, they kind of give me a look like they would love to hear more, but then don’t pursue it when I say nothing more. This reaction was not the case here. Upon my response, this fellow teacher more or less insisted that I tell him more. I felt prompted to do so, and our conversation has been mentioned a few times in my other posts. He responded wonderfully and gave me some great things to think about how I was prepared by the Lord for this time in my life.

Then, later the same day, a student from last year came in to visit me. She had a gift bag in her hand to give to me. I told her she was lucky I was there as I was not required to be there. She indicated that she had come to the school on her lunch break from work specifically to see me, not knowing if I would be there or not. She was out of town the last week of school, but shortly after that decided to put a gift bag together for me, with several sundry items and two beautiful books.

Things to Do
by Sandra Magsamen
A Quiet Heart
by Patricia T. Holland

One of the books was shrink-wrapped, so she said she would not have normally purchased something like that for someone without thumbing through it first. I glanced through the books, noticed how incredibly appropriate they were for me, and then with tears starting to well up in my eyes, I thanked her and told her that she was inspired to get me the books, inspired to come see me that day in particular. I then shared with her about my summer, about my husband, about my feelings.

She then shared with me some of her story, about her favorite uncle that is gay (and has AIDS), her mother’s (and uncle’s) abusive childhood (abused by her grandmother), her mother’s decision to take the 2 children and leave her father many years ago, also due to abuse, and many other interesting twists that I did not know about her. She is an incredible girl with a strong testimony. Her brother was also one of my students and is serving a mission. I can’t imagine what her family has gone through, and yet she has turned out to be so faithful and so strong. I was grateful for her story. We learned so much from each other during that blessed visit.

I came home from the school right after that. My classroom was not as done as I wanted it to be, but my heart was full of gratitude and happiness, of an awareness of my Heavenly Father’s love and for his choice to use this young girl as one of his servants to bless my life, and I in turn to bless hers.