Saturday, May 29, 2010

Missing him

I mentioned a few weeks ago that there was another song on the radio lately that had caught my attention. At the time, the possibility of divorce was prominently on my mind, so I kind of thought of it as a song that would apply after Scott and I were no longer together. I have always adored Scott's blue eyes, so the song had me from the first line...

I Never Told You - Colbie Caillat

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you.

We've had quite a few friends (blog readers) that we don't see very often that have wondered if Scott and I are separated. Technically the answer is no.  We still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed.  And Scott still allows me some intimacy with him when I initiate it.

But in other ways, it feels very much like we have separated, and the emotional separation seems to be more and more pronounced all of the time.

One of my recent blog posts was influenced by a visit to a therapist and then other advice that Scott had received from blog readers by email indicating that the easiest and best thing for us would be divorce and a clean break.

But that really bothered me (and thus the blog post "Alone") because over the last few months, I feel like I have been guided/inspired that it would be best to take the more difficult route, to love him unconditionally, keeping our family together, while he pursues his need for male companionship.

He also received some other advice following my (and his subsequent) post on how we could make staying together work for us. He told me that maybe he had reacted too quickly on choosing and informing me of his preference for divorce, and maybe the alternative could be better after all.

But he is more and more emotionally distant from me all of the the time. Although we still physically are together, I really really miss the man I married.  I really, really miss the husband I had a year ago, when discovering his gayness and embracing it actually lead to us having a better relationship, with more patience and understanding and more touch.

And so I find myself missing a man that no longer exists, that I hope and pray will exist again someday.Meanwhile, I've got to pray and ponder on the choices before me: clean break, or staying together.  Wish me luck!

(fyi, more venting on this same subject can be found on my private blog. It is going to get me in trouble with Scott, so wish me strength as I face the consequences! He probably would say the same thing about his blog post today.)


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Chely Wright on Oprah

Not sure how I missed this in the news. Maybe because she is a country singer and country music is not really my thing.

But today on Oprah, country singer Chely Wright told Oprah that she feels two weeks old, that she feels like her life has just begun since she has "come out" and stopped living a lie.

She talked about her childhood, how she was taught at church that there were four types of evil people in the world, one of which was homosexuals.

She knew from 3rd grade that she was different. She knew when she was a teenager that she was gay. But she certainly could not tell anyone, because that meant she was a horrible, evil person.

She kept a 12-year relationship with another woman quiet. She didn't even tell her best friend. Then, when the relationship ended, she had no one to talk to, and so she put a gun in her mouth with the intent to take her own life.

She realizes she might lose her career, but she doesn't care, because everything is gravy compared to having a gun in your mouth, ready to take your own life.

She spoke of telling her dad, how she was so nervous, and he was nervous. "Do you have cancer? We will get through it. Just tell me." LOL. Cancer was one of the same thoughts I had with Scott when he said he had to tell me something.

She told him, he said nothing, but he hugged her. When Oprah asked him what he would say to other parents he said, "Don't close the door, open the heart." He admitted it was hard because of what he'd always believed and been taught, but he knew his daughter, he knew her heart. She was the same person she had always been, and she said she had always been a lesbian, so it must be okay.

She told Oprah that she also hoped that by coming out, that other young people, whose churches and parents tell them they are sinners, they are worthless, that they will know that they are not. That they are okay.

This comment made me emotional. I wished I could take a copy of her saying that, and show it to the youth of the church, to the students at my school. My heart aches for them, growing up like Scott did, in denial or hating himself for fleeting thoughts and feelings that he "knew" were wrong. And then there is the fact that because he was in denial, and fighting being "bad", and trying hard to be "good" and do what every good Mormon boy is supposed to do, that he brought a woman and children into the drama. And now look where we are. Many, many other spouses and children are affected, and there will yet be many more, I am afraid.

I think of the kids in the club at school, and how much I love and care about them, and how sad it makes me to see some of them struggling with parents that refuse to understand and accept them. We have a some great student leaders getting things planned to make next year even better, to make a difference at our school. I can't wait to see if they can accomplish the good that they want to.

The other thing on the Oprah interview that really got to me was when Oprah asked Chely about the publicly-known relationships she had with men in the past, specifically with Brad Paisley (whoever that is). Oprah wondered how it was even possible for her to have a relationship with a man! LOL. Chely said it felt wrong, being with a man, even just holding his hand during a movie, when all she wanted to be with was a woman. It wasn't fair to him, from the beginning, middle, to the end.

I am coping well and getting used to the idea that things are changing in my marriage, but it is still hard because I do love Scott so much and am happy (for the most part) with the marriage relationship that we have had, and continue to have to an extent. But listening to her talk about dating a man I guess helps me to remember/realize that to Scott our relationship doesn't feel right. It isn't natural to him, and has never really felt right. I am trying so hard to put myself in his shoes, and trying to imagine feeling that way every time he is intimate with me, or like Chely said, even just something simple like holding my hand. It doesn't feel right to him, and so it makes sense that he can't live with that feeling for the rest of his life.

I haven't cried about this for a couple of weeks. But now I cry as I feel bad for him, and of course continue to feel bad for myself and the children.

But the tears are fleeting. We have been focusing on yard work and figuring out what we need to do to get ready for the baby. Often, life feels normal, other than Scott is out with friends once or twice a week. We both have our ups and downs, we still both don't know where our future is heading and which path is best to take. We know that family is concerned for us, and Scott worries that everyone is going to end up hating him.

But just like Chely says in her interview about herself, right now Scott needs to live true to himself and stop living the lie of the first 34 years of his life. It is such a strong need for him that even the thought of the pain he is causing me, and the anger that people are feeling toward him aren't stopping him, almost like a need to eat or breathe to survive. I just hope that we can all try to understand him and just love him as he goes through this.

Well, that blog post certainly went on and on and took a turn that I didn't expect. I just had to share the awesomeness of the TV episode. We have the episode recorded, so maybe Scott can help me post some of my favorite parts in the near future.

UPDATE: youtube links:

    Meanwhile, Chely wrote a book called "Like Me". I think I am going to have to add that to my infinitely-long reading list. Right now the book of choice is a tough one--"Goodbye, I love you" by Carol Lyn Pearson. I haven't gotten very far yet, but soon I will bite the bullet and face the pain in reading that story.

    Thursday, May 13, 2010

    Letter from a mother

    This link has been spreading through a lot of my friends on facebook today. It is so awesome that I decided to cut and paste it here.

    The Best Thing I've Read All Year

    Published on May 04, 2000

    Sunday, April 30, 2000
    For the Valley News (White River Junction, VT)

    Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough from you good people.

    I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexual agenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

    My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.

    He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6.

    In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.

    You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.

    At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

    If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it. For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

    A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters."

    You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the "homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending. My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart.

    He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn't the measure of the man.

    You religious folk just can't bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.

    How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage.

    You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

    The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing" asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?"

    Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?


    I had the chance to speak with her yesterday. Her son is doing fine now, the first in his family to graduate from college.

    If you have friends who think Jesus would have been a Republican -- on the side of billionaire Pat Robertson, et al, in opposing Hate Crimes Legislation, opposing the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty, and, yes, opposing Vermont's extension of economic benefits to same-sex couples -- please feel free to forward this column to as many of them as you like. Can't you just see it? Jesus arm-in-arm with the NRA trying to maintain the gun-show loophole? Stumping the Holy Land in favor of a massive tax cut for the rich, while opposing a hike in the minimum wage? Somehow, I think not.

    © 1998, 1999, 2000, Andrew Tobias

    Thursday, May 6, 2010


    Sunday night the kids decided they wanted to watch Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, which we had all recently seen on stage at a local school.

    (Funny side-note. 12-year-old-son said about Joseph, “He looks familiar.” His 13-year-old sister says, “Yeah (with a no-duh inflection). It is Donny Osmond, you know, from White and Nerdy.” I laughed to think that Donny Osmond’s fame, for my children, comes from a Weird Al music video!)

    Anyway, we have seen it many times (although obviously had not watched the movie for a while), so I enjoyed the music as I watched, but mostly graded papers.

    For those of you who have not seen it, it is a musical written by Andrew Lloyd Weber about Joseph and his coat of many colors, and everything he goes through, from living at home with his father and brothers, to being resented and sold by his brothers, to being thrown into jail for apparent immorality, to finally rising to the top in Egypt by helping the Pharaoh during times of feast and famine.

    It is a very fun musical, with each song fitting a different genre, lots of humor and dancing and colorful costumes.

    One of my favorite songs, though, is more serious than the others. Joseph sings it when he is in prison for something he didn’t do, most likely sentenced to be there for the rest of his life, and he is fairly depressed.

    Close Every Door
    by Andrew Lloyd Weber

    Close every door to me,
    Hide all the world from me
    Bar all the windows
    And shut out the light
    Do what you want with me,
    Hate me and laugh at me
    Darken my daytime
    And torture my night.

    If my life were important I
    Would ask will I live or die
    But I know the answers lie
    Far from this world
    Close every door to me,
    Keep those I love from me
    Children of Israel
    Are never alone
    For I know I shall find
    My own peace of mind
    For I have been promised
    A land of my own

    Just give me a number
    Instead of my name
    Forget all about me
    And let me decay

    If my life were important I
    Would ask will I live or die
    But I know the answers lie
    Far from this world

    Close every door to me,
    Keep those I love from me
    Children of Israel
    Are never alone
    For we know we shall find
    Our own peace of mind
    For we have been promised
    A land of our own

    I stopped grading papers and just watched and listened and thought. Joseph was a real person, with real trials—bad ones beyond his control. Yes, he was depressed, but yes, he had faith in what God had promised him. And I suppose it gave him hope and kept him going. And eventually, his life was grand!

    In fact, at one point during this scene, the narrators (and cast) sing,

    Joseph's luck was really out
    his spirit and his fortune low
    alone he sat, alone he thought
    of happy times he used to know

    hey dreamer, don't be so upset

    hey Joseph, you're not beaten yet

    go, go go Joseph you know what they say
    hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day
    don't give up Joseph, fight till you drop
    we've read the book and you come out on top

    Wouldn’t it be nice if we each had our own book to read when we are going through tough times so that we know it is all going to work out? I guess we do already have books that tell us that: scriptures and patriarchal blessings, for example. I remember my dad commenting about this line in my blessing when I received it: "Difficult times will come. You will know adversity." He wondered what life had in store for me. If this time in my life isn't what my blessing is referring to, I certainly don't know what is, and I hope I don't have to go through worse. Anyway, I guess we just have to have faith and hope and remember that God loves us, and do our best with what we’ve got.

    There, was that a bit more positive? :) No definite answers, but a message of peace and hope.

    Wednesday, May 5, 2010

    When I cry...

    Song lyrics have been affecting me a lot lately.  There was the one I blogged about on Monday, here is another one, and I have at least two more songs yet to blog about.  Don't worry--I believe that the next post will be a bit more uplifting and hopeful, but first I am working through a couple of tough ones.

    I have always been a very emotional person, wearing my heart on my sleeve. It comes naturally, since both my mother and my sister are the same way. But for many people it seems to be uncomfortable that I am this way. They feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me so as to not say something that will make me cry, and when they do make me cry, some blame themselves even though I always say, "It's not you, it's me."

    Some days the crying happens more naturally than others, and some days the tears stay away, even when I talk to someone about what is going on in my life.

    One day last week, I was telling one of the administrators at school about our recent drama at home (I have been talking to him about it all year, just with him as a friend rather than as a boss; he never gives advice, just listens, and shares stories from other people he knows that have been in similar situations.), and I did end up crying just a bit toward the end of the conversation, and I apologized as usual.  He commented that it was no problem, and for everything I was going through, I had every right to be  crying constantly, so I must be a very strong person to be handling everything the way I am (for the most part).

    But then there are days following a difficult conversation with Scott, or days that I haven't gotten enough sleep or haven't eaten right or just feel physically lousy, and on those days I tend to turn into a leaky faucet.

    Such was the case last Friday. We had an assembly at school, and dance company performed a "dress rehearsal" of their spring concert.  I'm afraid I set a bad example for my students as I was on my iPhone on Facebook several times during the assembly.  I was communicating back and forth with some college friends that were in town, and we were trying to plan a get-together that evening. I was already depressed and tired, so when one of the friends said that she had made other plans because we were too long in deciding for sure, and that she and her husband were flying out the next morning, I became even more upset. I shed lots of tears through the assembly, but it was dark, so I don't think many, if any, of my students could tell.

    The tears didn't subside, but rather became harder to control when one of the dance routines in the assembly was performed to this song that I had never heard before:

    Hanging By A Thread, by Jann Arden

    When I cry, I close my eyes
    And every tear falls down inside
    And I pray with all my might
    That I will find my heart in someone's arms
    When I cry, cry
    When I cry, when I am sad
    I think of every awful thing I ever did
    When I cry, there is no love
    No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough
    When I cry
    Cry, cry
    The salt inside my body ruins
    Everyone I come close to
    My hands are barely holding up my head
    Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
    And all the secrets that I keep
    My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
    Hangin' by a thread
    Oh, look at me
    At all I've done
    I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
    I lost my soul
    I lost my pride
    Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life
    So I cry
    Cry, cry
    I miss you all
    I wish I was
    With you now
    I wish I was
    Sometimes it is therapeutic to find something that really makes me cry hard, like this song, like I am getting it all out of my system.

    Some of the lines in this song really hit home, especially when I was already upset. There are days I truly feel like I am barely hanging by a thread, like I can barely hold up my head, like my legs and feet can barely hold up my bursting belly and exhausted body. I feel like I have lost so many things that I dearly love--my marriage as it once was, my relationship with the church as it used to be, my close relationships with some of the people in both my and Scott's extended families, my hope of having a good life.

    Most recently, my tears have been for Scott and his pain. Following my blog post on Monday, he was not able to keep on his happy face, and I got to see just how miserable he really is. I feel bad that I am still truly not able to understand why he is choosing this path, even though I really am trying.

    But I know there is hope.  There is always hope and prayer and better days. And eventually we will figure this out. I so appreciate all of the comments and emails of support and prayers on our behalf.

    I passed a church the other day and on the marquee it said, "God is best found on our knees, not on the internet." I chuckled to myself, but realized that I really do need to remember that one, since I spend a lot more time on the internet than on my knees. (For one thing, it is really hard at the moment to get on my knees, and even harder to get up! :) A couple more months and I won't have that excuse any more, thank goodness!)

    Like I said, I think my next song-experience-blog will be more positive, so stay tuned...

    Monday, May 3, 2010

    Never want to be Alone

    Scott and I had a crazy night last night. I was up late grading papers for midterms, so Scott put a movie on for us to watch while I did so. Meanwhile, our 4-year-old had fallen asleep early, so I put him on our bed so that the other kids wouldn't wake him. When we finally headed to bed a bit after midnight, Scott discovered that the cute child had had an accident, and it had soaked all the way through, making even the mattress a bit damp. He stripped the bed, I changed the child, and then he found some extra blankets for us to use, him on the couch, while I chose just to sleep on the dry side of the bed.

    I have such a hard time getting to sleep when I am alone in bed. While Scott was gone to CA, I had the two boys sleep with me. Even though they were wiggly, I still slept better than I did last night by myself. At least it was easier to get to sleep.


    I don't ever want to be alone. I remember a few years ago, before my last grandparent passed away, thinking about how alone she had been for a few years, and hoping that I would not have to go through that. But my grandparents all lived to be older than Scott's grandparents, so genetically, chances are I would be the one to live longer, and it really scared me.

    Now I face the issue 50-60 years before I expected to. I guess it is different, since he is still alive and I am young and healthy and able to take care of myself (at least when I'm not pregnant...), but I'm not sure that makes it seem any easier.

    Those of you who read my private blog know that Scott and I went to a therapist from LDS family services a couple of weeks ago, and that after she got some answers out of Scott, she said "Are you going to wait until the baby comes before you take care of the legal side of things?" meaning that in her opinion, divorce is inevitable; Scott's mind is made up, and though it will be difficult, she said it would be easier than letting it draw out over a slow, gradual, painful process.

    I have clung to the hope that we could make another option work, even though I've known it would be harder in a lot of ways. In response to Scott's recent (secret) blog post, he has received some emails and advice from others who have been through this, recommending that a clean break/separation/divorce is what will be best for all of us, and he has tried to help me understand why that would be best, claiming that as long as he is even partially filling the "husband spot" in my life, that I will refuse to look for someone else that can truly make me happy in every aspect of my life.

    My extremely emotional reaction to his suggestion resulted in him finally being willing (I think) to put this particular conversation off for a couple of months (when hopefully my hormones and emotions might be a bit more under control). But of course my thoughts are now planning and preparing for what seems to be inevitable.

    I ponder even the tiniest changes that are coming in my future. Take the decor in our home, for example. My plans for an "ancestor" wall in the hallway. We never have printed and put up photos of his family, but they are still my children's ancestors. And what about family photos? They are still our kids with their mom and dad that love each other.

    More difficult is decor in the master bedroom and bath, which include a Snow White and Prince Charming theme everywhere you look. There are two cross-stitch wall hangings, one with the temple, one with the previously mentioned Disney couple, both with our names and marriage/sealing date.

    They are things I can't throw away; family spent a lot of time making them for us. But when it comes time to make a "clean break", they can't stay on the wall, either, I suppose. What do I do with them? Store them in the basement where someday they will stir up heart-wrenching feelings for me or our children?

    Here I am crying over wall hangings--what a little thing to consider when so much else is at stake.

    Scott believes that the spirit has testified to him that his gayness is eternal. Other people believe that in the next life they will be straight. Any current teachings from the church confirm that belief. I have not felt strongly one way or the other. Anyway, I told Scott a while ago that even if we divorce, I want our temple sealing left intact, just in case he is willing to someday take me back for eternity. But how can that work out if I let myself fall in love with someone else?

    Somehow this all makes me think of a Nickelback song that has been on the radio a lot recently.  Many of the words reflect how I feel about everything. "And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands 'Cause forever I believe That there's nothing I could need but you." 

     Meanwhile, I wish that the chorus could be the way that he feels, but he doesn't, and I can't do anything about it. "You're never gonna be alone from this moment on. If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall. When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on. We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone."

    Scott, is there no chance whatsoever that you will ever change your mind? You've done that about a lot of things through the years, purchases and business ventures that you think will solve all of your problems and make you happier, and then you discover that it wasn't what you thought it would be after a while...part of me wonders (hopes?) that this will turn out the same, so I want to stick around in case you decide you want me back. Does that make any sense?

    But I will continue to be strong, enduring 9 more weeks of physical misery, hoping that somehow I will be able to endure what comes next; that the spirit that comes with having a new baby in our home will give me strength and peace. I recently read this quote about courage:

    "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." Ambrose Redmoon

    Here are the entire lyrics for the song. I will put the song itself in my playlist later...
    Never Gonna Be Alone
    Songwriters: Kroeger, Chad; Lange, Mutt;
    Time, is going by, so much faster than I
    And I'm starting to regret not spending all of here with you
    Now I'm wondering why I've kept this bottled inside
    So I'm starting to regret not selling all of it to you
    So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

    You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
    If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
    You're never gonna be alone, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

    And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands
    'Cause forever I believe
    That there's nothing I could need but you
    So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

    You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
    If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
    When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
    We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

    Oh, you've gotta live every single day
    Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
    Don't let it slip away, could be our only one
    You know it's only just begun, every single day
    Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
    Tomorrow never comes

    Time is going by so much faster than I
    And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you

    You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
    If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
    When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
    We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

    I'm gonna be there always
    I won't be missing a word all day
    I'm gonna be there always
    I won't be missing a word all day