I have always been a very emotional person, wearing my heart on my sleeve. It comes naturally, since both my mother and my sister are the same way. But for many people it seems to be uncomfortable that I am this way. They feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me so as to not say something that will make me cry, and when they do make me cry, some blame themselves even though I always say, "It's not you, it's me."
Some days the crying happens more naturally than others, and some days the tears stay away, even when I talk to someone about what is going on in my life.
One day last week, I was telling one of the administrators at school about our recent drama at home (I have been talking to him about it all year, just with him as a friend rather than as a boss; he never gives advice, just listens, and shares stories from other people he knows that have been in similar situations.), and I did end up crying just a bit toward the end of the conversation, and I apologized as usual. He commented that it was no problem, and for everything I was going through, I had every right to be crying constantly, so I must be a very strong person to be handling everything the way I am (for the most part).
But then there are days following a difficult conversation with Scott, or days that I haven't gotten enough sleep or haven't eaten right or just feel physically lousy, and on those days I tend to turn into a leaky faucet.
Such was the case last Friday. We had an assembly at school, and dance company performed a "dress rehearsal" of their spring concert. I'm afraid I set a bad example for my students as I was on my iPhone on Facebook several times during the assembly. I was communicating back and forth with some college friends that were in town, and we were trying to plan a get-together that evening. I was already depressed and tired, so when one of the friends said that she had made other plans because we were too long in deciding for sure, and that she and her husband were flying out the next morning, I became even more upset. I shed lots of tears through the assembly, but it was dark, so I don't think many, if any, of my students could tell.
The tears didn't subside, but rather became harder to control when one of the dance routines in the assembly was performed to this song that I had never heard before:
Hanging By A Thread, by Jann ArdenSometimes it is therapeutic to find something that really makes me cry hard, like this song, like I am getting it all out of my system.
When I cry, I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
That I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry, cry
When I cry, when I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
When I cry, there is no love
No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry
The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread
Oh, look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life
So I cry
I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was
Some of the lines in this song really hit home, especially when I was already upset. There are days I truly feel like I am barely hanging by a thread, like I can barely hold up my head, like my legs and feet can barely hold up my bursting belly and exhausted body. I feel like I have lost so many things that I dearly love--my marriage as it once was, my relationship with the church as it used to be, my close relationships with some of the people in both my and Scott's extended families, my hope of having a good life.
Most recently, my tears have been for Scott and his pain. Following my blog post on Monday, he was not able to keep on his happy face, and I got to see just how miserable he really is. I feel bad that I am still truly not able to understand why he is choosing this path, even though I really am trying.
But I know there is hope. There is always hope and prayer and better days. And eventually we will figure this out. I so appreciate all of the comments and emails of support and prayers on our behalf.
I passed a church the other day and on the marquee it said, "God is best found on our knees, not on the internet." I chuckled to myself, but realized that I really do need to remember that one, since I spend a lot more time on the internet than on my knees. (For one thing, it is really hard at the moment to get on my knees, and even harder to get up! :) A couple more months and I won't have that excuse any more, thank goodness!)
Like I said, I think my next song-experience-blog will be more positive, so stay tuned...