Wednesday, May 5, 2010

When I cry...

Song lyrics have been affecting me a lot lately.  There was the one I blogged about on Monday, here is another one, and I have at least two more songs yet to blog about.  Don't worry--I believe that the next post will be a bit more uplifting and hopeful, but first I am working through a couple of tough ones.

I have always been a very emotional person, wearing my heart on my sleeve. It comes naturally, since both my mother and my sister are the same way. But for many people it seems to be uncomfortable that I am this way. They feel like they have to walk on egg shells around me so as to not say something that will make me cry, and when they do make me cry, some blame themselves even though I always say, "It's not you, it's me."

Some days the crying happens more naturally than others, and some days the tears stay away, even when I talk to someone about what is going on in my life.

One day last week, I was telling one of the administrators at school about our recent drama at home (I have been talking to him about it all year, just with him as a friend rather than as a boss; he never gives advice, just listens, and shares stories from other people he knows that have been in similar situations.), and I did end up crying just a bit toward the end of the conversation, and I apologized as usual.  He commented that it was no problem, and for everything I was going through, I had every right to be  crying constantly, so I must be a very strong person to be handling everything the way I am (for the most part).

But then there are days following a difficult conversation with Scott, or days that I haven't gotten enough sleep or haven't eaten right or just feel physically lousy, and on those days I tend to turn into a leaky faucet.

Such was the case last Friday. We had an assembly at school, and dance company performed a "dress rehearsal" of their spring concert.  I'm afraid I set a bad example for my students as I was on my iPhone on Facebook several times during the assembly.  I was communicating back and forth with some college friends that were in town, and we were trying to plan a get-together that evening. I was already depressed and tired, so when one of the friends said that she had made other plans because we were too long in deciding for sure, and that she and her husband were flying out the next morning, I became even more upset. I shed lots of tears through the assembly, but it was dark, so I don't think many, if any, of my students could tell.

The tears didn't subside, but rather became harder to control when one of the dance routines in the assembly was performed to this song that I had never heard before:

Hanging By A Thread, by Jann Arden

When I cry, I close my eyes
And every tear falls down inside
And I pray with all my might
That I will find my heart in someone's arms
When I cry, cry
When I cry, when I am sad
I think of every awful thing I ever did
When I cry, there is no love
No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough
When I cry
Cry, cry
The salt inside my body ruins
Everyone I come close to
My hands are barely holding up my head
Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet
And all the secrets that I keep
My heart is barely hangin' by a thread
Hangin' by a thread
Oh, look at me
At all I've done
I've lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride
Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life
So I cry
Cry, cry
I miss you all
I wish I was
With you now
I wish I was
Sometimes it is therapeutic to find something that really makes me cry hard, like this song, like I am getting it all out of my system.

Some of the lines in this song really hit home, especially when I was already upset. There are days I truly feel like I am barely hanging by a thread, like I can barely hold up my head, like my legs and feet can barely hold up my bursting belly and exhausted body. I feel like I have lost so many things that I dearly love--my marriage as it once was, my relationship with the church as it used to be, my close relationships with some of the people in both my and Scott's extended families, my hope of having a good life.

Most recently, my tears have been for Scott and his pain. Following my blog post on Monday, he was not able to keep on his happy face, and I got to see just how miserable he really is. I feel bad that I am still truly not able to understand why he is choosing this path, even though I really am trying.

But I know there is hope.  There is always hope and prayer and better days. And eventually we will figure this out. I so appreciate all of the comments and emails of support and prayers on our behalf.

I passed a church the other day and on the marquee it said, "God is best found on our knees, not on the internet." I chuckled to myself, but realized that I really do need to remember that one, since I spend a lot more time on the internet than on my knees. (For one thing, it is really hard at the moment to get on my knees, and even harder to get up! :) A couple more months and I won't have that excuse any more, thank goodness!)

Like I said, I think my next song-experience-blog will be more positive, so stay tuned...


TGD said...

Don't be ashamed to cry. It's not weakness you show, it's courage. Courage in yourself as you show others you trust them to witness when you are feeling vulnerable.

And even though you feel vulnerable, crying is the process of creating strength. Never be ashamed to cry.

Sophrosyne said...

I wish there was more I could do or say. Just know that you are supported and loved by many!

gail said...


I was going to keep my nose out of this post because I think that what I say usually is intrusive and likely just causes pain. But as usual I am sort on restraint.

I know how painful this is. I also think I know that Scott truly loves you and you will have him no less whether he is in the same room, house, or bed. He will always love you just as much as he does now and always be committed to you as much as he is now. In fact in some ways he will be freed and his love will be able to grow in ways it has not been able to.

I think you should open your mind to more possible ways of doing things than the norm. The things in your home that are about you and Scott do not necessarily need to be hidden. He will always be a very important part of your life and your children’s lives. The way you display it may change, but it does not need to go away. I have things in my home that have Stacey and my marriage date. It will always be an important day in mine and my children’s lives. I ware my wedding rings around my neck on a change. It is still important to me but not for the same reason as when I was married. Some people have told me that no woman will ever put up with any of this. That is true for some women, but not for all. It is important for me for any woman that I choose to get involved with to understand the importance my ex has in my life and my children’s lives. That importance has changed and will continue to change, but I believe it will never leave. It will be different than the importance of another spouse in my life and that new spouse will come first, but it would be a lie to say that Stacey has no importance.

I do not think it is unreasonable for you to keep your sealing in place. I do not agree that current LDS doctrine would support that Scott will be straight in the next life. I think that the brethren are increasingly silent on details concerning the theology of homosexuality. My personal opinion is this is because current LDS theology of homosexuality is not only not defensible but completely contradictory. I also do not believe that even if you look to the proclamation as gospel that gives you any clue about gay or straightness in the here after. I am not sure how anyone can justify this idea with what Alma has to say that the same spirit that inhabits your body at the time of death will in habit you at the time of the resurrection. Remember God knows you and Scott and loves you both. What every you do with your selling will not change Gods ability to do what is best for you both. All this being said I am not sure I ever want to cancel the sealing with my wife. I think there is a reason to keep this connection.

Whether Scott is physically in your house or not will not effect if you are alone. There are plenty of people that are very alone that stay married their whole lives. In fact in some ways you may end up being more alone if he stays in the same house. I think in spirit Scott will not leave you. He will stay with you and support you.

As I reread this it sounds incredibly harsh. I am sorry. My prayers are with you and Scott. Be gentle with yourself. God loves you, Scott loves you, your family and your children love you, so many of us that only really know you through the blog love you to. You have not only a morning process to go through, but a complete rearrangement of your self image. Everything you planned for, hoped for, and ever imagined about your life is being turned on it’s head. If you are anything like me in my marriage you have never let yourself truly consider any of this for your life. God wants happiness for you. God has a plan for you life that is so much greater then you even can imagine at this point. He has a way for you and your family to find happiness.

Sarah said...

Thanks, Gail. Your comment made me cry just a bit, but I really do appreciate your perspective and how you are handling everything. Thanks for helping me realize that I don't have to pretend that our marriage never happened if we get divorced. It has been a very important part of my life and always will be, and I don't have to throw all that away to move on and accept change. I have to keep reminding myself that Scott said we could take the process slowly, and so I will have hours and days and weeks and most likely months to gradually come to terms with everything.

By the way, I completely understand your pain as expressed in comments on Scott's blog. Isn't it sad that by supporting the other parent of our children, we lose family and church connections. Like I said, it is so hard to feel like I am losing everything at once.

Mille said...

Thank you for introducing me to this song. After reading your post, I immediately downloaded it, and listened to it over and over again. I find music to be such an important part of my life and have often wished for that I could have a soundtrack for my life. This song would definately be one that would be played often. A couple of songs I have been recently listening to that you might like are Blue Sky by Emily West, Miss Halfway by Anya Marina, and All Love, Giving Up and Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson. Anyway, I haven't ever met you, just have a mutual friend whose life has been postively influenced by you guys and your parties, but, through your blog and your husbands blog, I feel like I know you, and I definately wish you guys all the best. You are in my prayers.

Sarah said...

Thanks, Mille. It's fun to hear from people that read my blog that I don't know about. :)