Never want to be Alone

Scott and I had a crazy night last night. I was up late grading papers for midterms, so Scott put a movie on for us to watch while I did so. Meanwhile, our 4-year-old had fallen asleep early, so I put him on our bed so that the other kids wouldn't wake him. When we finally headed to bed a bit after midnight, Scott discovered that the cute child had had an accident, and it had soaked all the way through, making even the mattress a bit damp. He stripped the bed, I changed the child, and then he found some extra blankets for us to use, him on the couch, while I chose just to sleep on the dry side of the bed.

I have such a hard time getting to sleep when I am alone in bed. While Scott was gone to CA, I had the two boys sleep with me. Even though they were wiggly, I still slept better than I did last night by myself. At least it was easier to get to sleep.

...sigh...

I don't ever want to be alone. I remember a few years ago, before my last grandparent passed away, thinking about how alone she had been for a few years, and hoping that I would not have to go through that. But my grandparents all lived to be older than Scott's grandparents, so genetically, chances are I would be the one to live longer, and it really scared me.

Now I face the issue 50-60 years before I expected to. I guess it is different, since he is still alive and I am young and healthy and able to take care of myself (at least when I'm not pregnant...), but I'm not sure that makes it seem any easier.

Those of you who read my private blog know that Scott and I went to a therapist from LDS family services a couple of weeks ago, and that after she got some answers out of Scott, she said "Are you going to wait until the baby comes before you take care of the legal side of things?" meaning that in her opinion, divorce is inevitable; Scott's mind is made up, and though it will be difficult, she said it would be easier than letting it draw out over a slow, gradual, painful process.

I have clung to the hope that we could make another option work, even though I've known it would be harder in a lot of ways. In response to Scott's recent (secret) blog post, he has received some emails and advice from others who have been through this, recommending that a clean break/separation/divorce is what will be best for all of us, and he has tried to help me understand why that would be best, claiming that as long as he is even partially filling the "husband spot" in my life, that I will refuse to look for someone else that can truly make me happy in every aspect of my life.

My extremely emotional reaction to his suggestion resulted in him finally being willing (I think) to put this particular conversation off for a couple of months (when hopefully my hormones and emotions might be a bit more under control). But of course my thoughts are now planning and preparing for what seems to be inevitable.

I ponder even the tiniest changes that are coming in my future. Take the decor in our home, for example. My plans for an "ancestor" wall in the hallway. We never have printed and put up photos of his family, but they are still my children's ancestors. And what about family photos? They are still our kids with their mom and dad that love each other.

More difficult is decor in the master bedroom and bath, which include a Snow White and Prince Charming theme everywhere you look. There are two cross-stitch wall hangings, one with the temple, one with the previously mentioned Disney couple, both with our names and marriage/sealing date.

They are things I can't throw away; family spent a lot of time making them for us. But when it comes time to make a "clean break", they can't stay on the wall, either, I suppose. What do I do with them? Store them in the basement where someday they will stir up heart-wrenching feelings for me or our children?

Here I am crying over wall hangings--what a little thing to consider when so much else is at stake.

Scott believes that the spirit has testified to him that his gayness is eternal. Other people believe that in the next life they will be straight. Any current teachings from the church confirm that belief. I have not felt strongly one way or the other. Anyway, I told Scott a while ago that even if we divorce, I want our temple sealing left intact, just in case he is willing to someday take me back for eternity. But how can that work out if I let myself fall in love with someone else?

Somehow this all makes me think of a Nickelback song that has been on the radio a lot recently.  Many of the words reflect how I feel about everything. "And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands 'Cause forever I believe That there's nothing I could need but you." 

 Meanwhile, I wish that the chorus could be the way that he feels, but he doesn't, and I can't do anything about it. "You're never gonna be alone from this moment on. If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall. When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on. We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone."

Scott, is there no chance whatsoever that you will ever change your mind? You've done that about a lot of things through the years, purchases and business ventures that you think will solve all of your problems and make you happier, and then you discover that it wasn't what you thought it would be after a while...part of me wonders (hopes?) that this will turn out the same, so I want to stick around in case you decide you want me back. Does that make any sense?

But I will continue to be strong, enduring 9 more weeks of physical misery, hoping that somehow I will be able to endure what comes next; that the spirit that comes with having a new baby in our home will give me strength and peace. I recently read this quote about courage:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." Ambrose Redmoon

Here are the entire lyrics for the song. I will put the song itself in my playlist later...

Never Gonna Be Alone
Songwriters: Kroeger, Chad; Lange, Mutt;

Time, is going by, so much faster than I
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of here with you
Now I'm wondering why I've kept this bottled inside
So I'm starting to regret not selling all of it to you
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
You're never gonna be alone, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands
'Cause forever I believe
That there's nothing I could need but you
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

Oh, you've gotta live every single day
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away, could be our only one
You know it's only just begun, every single day
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes

Time is going by so much faster than I
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

I'm gonna be there always
I won't be missing a word all day
I'm gonna be there always
I won't be missing a word all day