Monday, May 3, 2010

Never want to be Alone

Scott and I had a crazy night last night. I was up late grading papers for midterms, so Scott put a movie on for us to watch while I did so. Meanwhile, our 4-year-old had fallen asleep early, so I put him on our bed so that the other kids wouldn't wake him. When we finally headed to bed a bit after midnight, Scott discovered that the cute child had had an accident, and it had soaked all the way through, making even the mattress a bit damp. He stripped the bed, I changed the child, and then he found some extra blankets for us to use, him on the couch, while I chose just to sleep on the dry side of the bed.

I have such a hard time getting to sleep when I am alone in bed. While Scott was gone to CA, I had the two boys sleep with me. Even though they were wiggly, I still slept better than I did last night by myself. At least it was easier to get to sleep.


I don't ever want to be alone. I remember a few years ago, before my last grandparent passed away, thinking about how alone she had been for a few years, and hoping that I would not have to go through that. But my grandparents all lived to be older than Scott's grandparents, so genetically, chances are I would be the one to live longer, and it really scared me.

Now I face the issue 50-60 years before I expected to. I guess it is different, since he is still alive and I am young and healthy and able to take care of myself (at least when I'm not pregnant...), but I'm not sure that makes it seem any easier.

Those of you who read my private blog know that Scott and I went to a therapist from LDS family services a couple of weeks ago, and that after she got some answers out of Scott, she said "Are you going to wait until the baby comes before you take care of the legal side of things?" meaning that in her opinion, divorce is inevitable; Scott's mind is made up, and though it will be difficult, she said it would be easier than letting it draw out over a slow, gradual, painful process.

I have clung to the hope that we could make another option work, even though I've known it would be harder in a lot of ways. In response to Scott's recent (secret) blog post, he has received some emails and advice from others who have been through this, recommending that a clean break/separation/divorce is what will be best for all of us, and he has tried to help me understand why that would be best, claiming that as long as he is even partially filling the "husband spot" in my life, that I will refuse to look for someone else that can truly make me happy in every aspect of my life.

My extremely emotional reaction to his suggestion resulted in him finally being willing (I think) to put this particular conversation off for a couple of months (when hopefully my hormones and emotions might be a bit more under control). But of course my thoughts are now planning and preparing for what seems to be inevitable.

I ponder even the tiniest changes that are coming in my future. Take the decor in our home, for example. My plans for an "ancestor" wall in the hallway. We never have printed and put up photos of his family, but they are still my children's ancestors. And what about family photos? They are still our kids with their mom and dad that love each other.

More difficult is decor in the master bedroom and bath, which include a Snow White and Prince Charming theme everywhere you look. There are two cross-stitch wall hangings, one with the temple, one with the previously mentioned Disney couple, both with our names and marriage/sealing date.

They are things I can't throw away; family spent a lot of time making them for us. But when it comes time to make a "clean break", they can't stay on the wall, either, I suppose. What do I do with them? Store them in the basement where someday they will stir up heart-wrenching feelings for me or our children?

Here I am crying over wall hangings--what a little thing to consider when so much else is at stake.

Scott believes that the spirit has testified to him that his gayness is eternal. Other people believe that in the next life they will be straight. Any current teachings from the church confirm that belief. I have not felt strongly one way or the other. Anyway, I told Scott a while ago that even if we divorce, I want our temple sealing left intact, just in case he is willing to someday take me back for eternity. But how can that work out if I let myself fall in love with someone else?

Somehow this all makes me think of a Nickelback song that has been on the radio a lot recently.  Many of the words reflect how I feel about everything. "And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands 'Cause forever I believe That there's nothing I could need but you." 

 Meanwhile, I wish that the chorus could be the way that he feels, but he doesn't, and I can't do anything about it. "You're never gonna be alone from this moment on. If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall. When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on. We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone."

Scott, is there no chance whatsoever that you will ever change your mind? You've done that about a lot of things through the years, purchases and business ventures that you think will solve all of your problems and make you happier, and then you discover that it wasn't what you thought it would be after a while...part of me wonders (hopes?) that this will turn out the same, so I want to stick around in case you decide you want me back. Does that make any sense?

But I will continue to be strong, enduring 9 more weeks of physical misery, hoping that somehow I will be able to endure what comes next; that the spirit that comes with having a new baby in our home will give me strength and peace. I recently read this quote about courage:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." Ambrose Redmoon

Here are the entire lyrics for the song. I will put the song itself in my playlist later...
Never Gonna Be Alone
Songwriters: Kroeger, Chad; Lange, Mutt;
Time, is going by, so much faster than I
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of here with you
Now I'm wondering why I've kept this bottled inside
So I'm starting to regret not selling all of it to you
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
You're never gonna be alone, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands
'Cause forever I believe
That there's nothing I could need but you
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

Oh, you've gotta live every single day
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away, could be our only one
You know it's only just begun, every single day
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes

Time is going by so much faster than I
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

I'm gonna be there always
I won't be missing a word all day
I'm gonna be there always
I won't be missing a word all day


Sophrosyne said...

I am so, so sorry for your pain. I wish I could fix it or comfort you. My divorce was just finalized, and I'm a lot more depressed about it than I thought I would be. I say that just to let you know that I know where you're coming from concerning the loneliness.

I think that you keep all your family/marriage memorabilia, but pack it away, like you suggested.

As for the sealing, I have great faith that nearly anything can be worked out in heaven. That is the Doctrine of Me though, not necessarily the church's doctrine.

Jenz said...


Bravone said...

I'm so sorry.

recover and thrive said...

this doesn't seem right. I do hope that your baby to be shines his/her spirit bright and Scott feels it and understands the eternal blessings of your family.

I can't imagine how you must feel being pregnant. My wife has crazy hormones being prenant. So I say, great job at just getting up in the morning and doing anything! Seriously, pat yourself on the back!

Quiet Song said...

I think you and Scott should do what the two of you decide is best for the two of you. If that is holding and not dramatically changing things, do it. My experience has been that it is not uncommon for people to stay married for years for a variety of reasons even if the underlying relationship is broken. You can also consider a separation either legally or informally. Do what is best for your family and consider other aspects the therapist may not be addressing as well, such as financial matters, health insurance coverage, asset disposition planning, etc.

MoHoHawaii said...

I completely agree with Quiet Song. This is the time for creative solutions if ever there was one. For example, you guys could separate without having Scott move out of the house. This prevents some financial stress (the cost of two households), is much easier on the kids, allows Scott to be there for the new baby and, importantly, is not necessarily permanent.

I'm a little ticked off that your therapist assumed that immediate divorce was the only solution. Allow me to rant, but I've seen that before in LDS therapists. It's not a helpful attitude. It's a relic from the past where the overriding concern was to prevent sexual sin. It denies the principle of self-determinism. It's another case where the Church gets to be the third person in the bedroom.

Bottom line: divorce is a one-way street, but who knows how you guys will feel in a year or two?

It's a weird thing I know to get opinions from the Internet peanut gallery, but to hell with convention. My opinion is that you guys probably shouldn't be considering formal, legal divorce for *at least* two more years. Redefinition of the relationship or trial separation, sure. Painful, absolutely.

There's always a counterargument, and in this case the counterargument is "it's better to pull the band aid off quickly." I don't buy this because of your history, the presence of children and your deep affection for each other. If the band aid has to be pulled off, in this case it's got to come off slowly.

I hope I haven't offended you by speaking this way. My advice is as trustworthy as anyone else's (that is to say, not very). Only you and Scott can make these decisions. I've been through some of this myself. I can absolutely understand how you guys are feeling. I hope for the best. You have my affection, my admiration and my support.

Beck said...

You and Scott are both remarkable and it strikes me just how unique and unconventional your approach is (and has been) to every situation. I agree with MOHO Hawaii that rash decisions do not appear to be best. I'm sure in time you both will find what approach is right for all involved.

Kate Edmondson said...

My heart is breaking for you, Sarah. Just know that I am sitting with you.

Anonymous said...


You don't know me, we have never met. I came across your blog through a friend of a friend of a friend'd blog and have been reading both blogs for a long time now. I have wanted to comment so many times but just felt weird, as we do not know one another.

I have been dealing with marriage struggles myself for the last three years...not the same thing that you have but things of a very serious nature nonetheless.

While our struggles are of a different nature they are similar just the same. I just simply hurt for you. I can feel your hurt and sorrow and despair because I have been going through it myself.

It has been three years since my life came crashing down around me and I am finally coming up out of my hole to see the light of day. I don't say this to be a downer...I say this so you will know that you will get through this. I don't know how others get through life without the gospel, I really don't. I don't say that with any kind of judgemental tone, I just know for me personally, I wouldn't have made it.

But I have, and you will too. You really will. Just know that there are perfect strangers praying for you. I think about you at the oddest times of the day. If I am thinking about you, a perfect stranger, I know our loving Father in Heaven is definitely thinking about you.

Take care, and maybe one of these days I will get up the nerve to email you. :)


Sarah said...

Wow, Thank you T. I'm sorry for what you have gone through, and I am grateful that it is getting easier. Thank you for letting me know you are reading. I would love to get to know you better when you are ready. It is nice to think that even though God has so many children to think about, that He does and He cares.

Take care.

Sarah said...

Thank you everyone else as well. I was depressed of course the week I wrote this, so while I read all of your comments, I was not inclined to respond to any of them. I am just grateful you are all out there, and that so many of you are willing to express your love and concern for us in so many ways.

I still don't know what is going to happen with us. Scott has backpedaled just a bit and I am not going to insist on divorce unless he does. Meanwhile, I think that anything even close to that is probably still a bit in the future, and will depend on the circumstances and other people (or person) involved at the time.

Right now it is urgent that we get ready for the baby, and I hope Scott understands that. We got rid of a lot of things since we weren't planning for this one, and there is a lot of cool baby stuff out there to research and decide on. Wish us luck! So far, we have made room for the bassinet in the bedroom. That is a start!