Saturday, May 29, 2010

Missing him

I mentioned a few weeks ago that there was another song on the radio lately that had caught my attention. At the time, the possibility of divorce was prominently on my mind, so I kind of thought of it as a song that would apply after Scott and I were no longer together. I have always adored Scott's blue eyes, so the song had me from the first line...

I Never Told You - Colbie Caillat

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
And after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you.

We've had quite a few friends (blog readers) that we don't see very often that have wondered if Scott and I are separated. Technically the answer is no.  We still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed.  And Scott still allows me some intimacy with him when I initiate it.

But in other ways, it feels very much like we have separated, and the emotional separation seems to be more and more pronounced all of the time.

One of my recent blog posts was influenced by a visit to a therapist and then other advice that Scott had received from blog readers by email indicating that the easiest and best thing for us would be divorce and a clean break.

But that really bothered me (and thus the blog post "Alone") because over the last few months, I feel like I have been guided/inspired that it would be best to take the more difficult route, to love him unconditionally, keeping our family together, while he pursues his need for male companionship.

He also received some other advice following my (and his subsequent) post on how we could make staying together work for us. He told me that maybe he had reacted too quickly on choosing and informing me of his preference for divorce, and maybe the alternative could be better after all.

But he is more and more emotionally distant from me all of the the time. Although we still physically are together, I really really miss the man I married.  I really, really miss the husband I had a year ago, when discovering his gayness and embracing it actually lead to us having a better relationship, with more patience and understanding and more touch.

And so I find myself missing a man that no longer exists, that I hope and pray will exist again someday.Meanwhile, I've got to pray and ponder on the choices before me: clean break, or staying together.  Wish me luck!

(fyi, more venting on this same subject can be found on my private blog. It is going to get me in trouble with Scott, so wish me strength as I face the consequences! He probably would say the same thing about his blog post today.)



Anonymous said...

I read Scott's blog post today. And, I also read your comment there. It sounds like things are pretty intense for the two of you right now. Good luck with everything that is going on. I hope both of you can find a measure of peace through it all and that health of both of you woll remain good. Lots happening in your lives. I feel for you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

gail said...


I have grown to love you and Scott through you blogs. I do know that getting to know you both by reading your blogs is a little like me believing I have a relationship with a celebrity. My heart and prayers go out to you both. Now it seems to you that your choice is one or the other. I wish to tell you that you have many more choices even an infinite amount. Unfortunately one of this is not going back to where you were. I must admit that giving up a physical or romantic relationship was one of the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I believe it was well worth it. With me giving up a physical relationship eventually gave way to friendship. Also, seeing happiness come into some one’s life that I could not give has been well worth it, but that has taken a lot of time.