Come Follow Me

I was just helping two of our children prepare for the Primary program at church tomorrow. One of them is going to sing a solo of the 5th verse of "Come Follow Me." I was at the piano, and trying to motivate him to sing through it as I played. I would say the words to a line and then have him sing it. The lyrics to this hymn are old and very complicated. Suddenly the words struck me like a brick. I turned from the piano and said, "Sam, do you know what these words mean?"  Here is what I said to him, more or less...

"We must the onward path pursue"


We have to keep going forward, doing what is right, no matter what.

"As wider fields expand to view,"


Especially now that our view of the world is wider, with our gay friends, and us wanting them to be happy and be able to get married.


"And follow him unceasingly,"


We have to just keep following Christ, no matter what.


"Whate'er our lot or sphere may be."


No matter what comes into our lives, whatever we have to deal with, whatever makes our individual world or "sphere", we must still follow Christ and try to be like him.


Do you see how much this applies to our lives right now? If you sing this with feeling tomorrow, like you really understand it and believe it, I will be bawling my eyes out, and that is a good thing.

I don't know if he really understood what I was saying, but he is a smart kid, and I think he does whether he admits it or not.

So a further message to all of my gay or straight friends out there: no matter what church you choose, even if you have to leave the LDS church because of pain and certain circumstances, please know that Christ lives, and I believe we must each continue to follow him and keep him at the center of our lives. I realize it is possible to do that without attending any church, but associating with some church that will help us remember how important it is to keep Christ in our lives makes it so much easier. At least that is what I think.

Just my two cents.

Disappointed or Relieved?

It has been a really strange day, filled with all kinds of emotion that I don't really understand.

Today was the premere showing of "8: The Mormon Proposition" at Sundance.

Some friends suggested Scott and I come with them this morning to the Queer Brunch at Sundance.  Scott RSVP'd for us a few days ago, and yesterday I finally made a decision that he should go have fun with the boys while I stayed home to take the kids to church.  Besides, it made me not feel as bad that I have a ticket to tomorrow night's showing of the documentary while he doesn't.

It was not a bad morning. Going to church by myself with the kids has become routine, and although it is still not what I would like to be doing, it is not as bitter as it used to be.  Everyone was friendly, as usual. None of the additional people in the ward (from our boundary changes) have yet asked me about my lack of husband. The talks were benign.  The kids were fairly well behaved.  There was nothing that should have made me feel badly at all.

But as Sacrament meeting progressed, I began to feel this shadow come over me.  I began to feel like I was on an alien planet, like I didn't belong, everything going on around me as though I wasn't even there.

The meeting ended, and my 4-year-old insisted that he did not want to go to primary.  I wondered if he was not feeling well, but after I told him he could stay with me, he acted fine, playing and talking with me like usual.  I told him he needed to be quiet in Sunday School with me, and he was, playing quietly with some finger puppets we brought with us.

Since I felt like I was in the wrong place anyway, I decided to take him for a walk.  He asked me if I was taking him to Primary.  I said maybe, and he pulled against me. So I said no, let's get a drink and go to the bathroom, and he was fine. I tried having him peek in the primary room to see his class.  Again he pulled me away from the door with  all of his might. His teacher came and tried to get him to come in, but he wouldn't have it. So he and I went to the empty Relief Society room to wait.  A room full of empty chairs, and I sat on the floor and sobbed. I texted Scott for comfort.  He figured I was freaking out because of the documentary.  I was actually glad to have my child with me, to help distract me and keep me company.  I sat at the piano and chose songs for Relief Society, and he made up his own tune on the piano. "Left, Right, Middle" he said, as he played the notes. He ate the old chocolate coins I had in my church bag. He continued to play with his puppets.  He sat on a chair and said, "Look Mom, I can be quiet."

As women started to trickle into the meeting from Sunday School, the primary president came and took him to class.  He went willingly, like as if he knew that my need for him was done and he could go. A friend (who happens to read my blog) came and sat behind me, and teased me for texting in church.  I told her I was chatting with Scott, that he might be able to buy a standby ticket for the documentary. I started to cry, telling her how nervous I was.  She comforted me, reminding me that I was only standing up for what I believed in and following the path that I thought was right for me.  The worse thing that could happen was someone could come bomb our house.  I knew she was just trying to make me smile, and it worked.  The Relief Society president came and gave me a hug.  I told her it was just the pregnancy hormones, not like there is anything else going on in my life. :) We laughed together as I dried my tears, the shadow of the last hour starting to fade, and my emotions and mood going back to what I would normally expect them to be at church.  I chose songs that comforted me, that applied to me, like "Do What is Right", "battle for freedom with courage and might", and this one:

Hymns, Guide Me to Thee, no. 101

1. Jesus, my Savior true,
Guide me to thee.
Help me thy will to do.
Guide me to thee.
E’en in the darkest night,
As in the morning bright,
Be thou my beacon light.
Guide me to thee.

2. Through this dark world of strife,
Guide me to thee.
Teach me a better life.
Guide me to thee.
Let thy redeeming pow’r
Be with me ev’ry hour.
Be thou my safety tow’r.
Guide me to thee.

3. When strife and sin arise,
Guide me to thee.
When tears bedim my eyes,
Guide me to thee.
When hopes are crushed and dead,
When earthly joys are fled,
Thy glory round me shed.
Guide me to thee.

    Text and music: Orson Pratt Huish, 1851–1932

As we were leaving church, Scott texted and said he had been able to buy a ticket; the premeire started in five minutes.  I was excited and anxious to get his report. I spent some time on facebook, and then took a nap until I heard back from Scott.

His news: there must have been some final editing since I emailed Reed, and I was not in it.

I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or disappointed.  I wanted my voice to be heard, but you, my readers, know how anxious it has made me, how I have assumed that my Stake President has been waiting for this before getting back to me about my recommend.  So it was a relief.  So much for being famous. I'm not cut out for that anyway.  That was not my intent, and if I really want to stay active in the church, it was maybe not the best thing to be associated with anyway.

When Scott arrived home, he told me about the documentary.  I do not often see him cry, but cry he did as he told me about some of the things that Reed included, like gay homeless kids in SLC that have been kicked out by LDS families and openly admitted that they have no hope, like a little girl who thanked the Mayor of San Francisco for her mommies (the effect this all has on real families), like the actual words of church leaders to members in CA that Scott said were gut-wrenching for him to hear.

So, tomorrow, when I attend the documentary myself, I will not be nervous, but I will be sure to take lots of Kleenex.  I really hope that this film can make a difference for those who have followed church leaders blindly in promoting politics, that they will truly realize what they have done. And I am not ashamed that I was able to interview, and that my story and voice were heard by those who have heard and seen that interview.  Maybe it made all the difference for one of the people in that room, knowing that there are church members like me and my daughter that care so much.

Peace

After two and a half days at the Affirmation conference, last night I was feeling more peace than I have for a long time, especially in the last 3 weeks. I found myself humming the melody of the hymn "Do What is Right". When I got to the chorus, I subconsciously started singing the words, and then realized how appropriate the message was:

Do what is right, let the consequence follow
Battle for freedom in spirit and might.
And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.
God will protect you; then do what is right!

(I just realized that I have actually blogged about this hymn before!)

One of the mothers I met at the banquet Saturday night (the one who is active LDS and had to fight once to keep her recommend) said a few words to the entire group when accepting an award. One thing she said is, "You are my people. I love being with you, the gay and lesbian members of the church." It was amazing to hear these words out of the mouth of a straight, white-haired, 80 (?) year-old woman. I felt the power in her words, because I agree with them whole-heartedly. I was reminded of a scripture from the Bible:

And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God. (Ruth 1:16)

Carol Lynn Pearson also spoke at the same banquet. She spoke of her Stake President and the effort he is making to help the members of the stake understand homosexuality. Here is her explanation of that from a newsletter that she emails to anyone who wishes to get it:

A NOTEWORTHY HAPPENING IN MY LDS STAKE.

Last Sunday and the Sunday before, my stake presidency--three of the finest men you're going to find on the planet--gave presentations to all the adults in every ward in our stake in the "fifth Sunday" time slot they frequently utilize. In the words of my stake president, Dean Criddle:

"All of our remarks throughout the presentations were anchored on a statement drawn from a 1991 letter from the First Presidency encouraging 'Church leaders and members to reach out with love and understanding' to those experiencing homosexuality. We also focused our Stake members' attention on similar, supporting statements included in articles by Elder Dallin H. Oaks and Elder Jeffrey R. Holland in 1995 and 2007 issues of the Ensign, the 2007 pamphlet, God Loveth His Children, and the interview with Elder Oaks and Elder Lance Wickman posted at the LDS Newsroom ('Same Gender Attraction') on the Church website. Some of our major points were:

1. Our sexual orientation (which gives rise to unbidden feelings and impulses) does not appear to be a matter of choice, nor does it call for blame.
2. Heterosexual marriage is not a 'cure' for homosexual feelings.
3. Members of the Oakland Stake must be sensitive to the unusual burdens placed on members of our Church who experience homosexual impulses and not contribute to a hopelessness that drives some to despair and even suicide.
4. Parents especially are called upon to show love and support for a child who brings them the news that he/she is experiencing homosexual feelings.
5. A Church member who experiences homosexual impulses but is willing to follow the Church's code of behavior is entirely worthy to hold high positions in the Church.
6. Our responsibility and opportunity is to show Christlike love and respect for all of our brothers and sisters----in our families, our neighborhoods, our places of work and our Church.
7. Without condoning conduct inconsistent with the teachings of the Church, members have a duty to show love even to those who choose other life paths.

"The instruction we gave included nothing new. It was just a gentle reminder that all Church members at baptism covenant to 'bear one another's burdens, that they may be light.' (Mosiah 18:8-10)"

A member of each ward participated, sharing life experiences that added to the impact of the event. From members of my own ward and other wards, I have heard nothing but very appreciative comments about this important counsel--"Such a healing experience for our family"--"Absolutely right on--we all needed that"--"A very large step in the right direction."

Back to the banquet...She also spoke of small gatherings she has begun having in her home with members of her ward with one of her gay friends in attendance to help them learn and understand. So far, the results have been very positive. This coming week she has invited the Relief Society Presidency.

The main message that she ended with was that we should each follow a path that leads us to peace and happiness, whatever that might be. She repeated it with passion, and I felt it pierce my heart and soul. I have been so unhappy since trying to obtain a new temple recommend. It has been about as far from peace and happiness as I can be. Maybe another path is in order? (Dare I say that on this blog? Honestly, I'm not sure I care any more.)

Sunday came some of the neatest experiences ever. We attended a devotional (again, part of the Affirmation conference) and were privileged to sing "I'll Walk with You" with Carol Lynn leading it. I've mentioned it in a previous blog post, but she was asked to write this primary song for children that don't always fit in, and as she wrote it, she thought of children that will grow up in the church and figure out that they are gay. It was a sweet experience to hear the beautiful voices of gay and lesbian Mormons (and former Mormons) and family members that love them, with Carol Lyn standing before us.

The entire devotional was wonderful. It included several songs, including one commissioned for the conference, and some beautiful scriptures, Moroni 7:42-48 and Matthew 5:1-16. The best part, though, was the closing hymn. A soloist sang the first verse of "God Be with You Till We Meet Again" and then the congregation joined in on the 2nd verse. By the beginning of the 3rd verse, people began to stand up. By the last chorus, we were all linked hand-in-hand and many of us were balling our eyes out. It was an incredible experience.

God be with you till we meet again;
When life’s perils thick confound you,
Put his arms unfailing round you.
God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;
Keep love’s banner floating o’er you;
Smite death’s threat’ning wave before you.
God be with you till we meet again.

Till we meet, till we meet,
Till we meet at Jesus’ feet,
Till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.

The last thought we heard last night before we decided we needed to leave to get home to our children was at a "Family Fellowship" meeting (a support group for members of the church with gay family members). A few parents were paying tribute to their gay sons and daughters. The love they showed was incredible. The mother that was speaking right before we left said something to the affect of "Many say that they are against gay marriage because it is a moral issue. But I have a different idea of what is immoral. I believe it is immoral to push gay people to the point of suicide. I believe it is immoral for me NOT to stand up for the rights of my gay child."

Amen to that.

I believe that I am following the right path. Peace is a sweet feeling.

Relief Society Practice Song

On Sunday the lesson in Relief Society will be from the Joseph Smith manual, lesson #29 "Living with Others in Peace and Harmony". I have been planning for a few weeks that "I'll Walk with You" would be the perfect practice song, and now after reading Eternity's posts about it (even though I haven't read the actual lesson yet) I still think it is a good choice.

Back in November I wanted to use it as the practice song when Scott bore his testimony in Sacrament meeting about being gay. I called the R.S. president, and gave her a general idea of what I wanted to say prior to singing the song as an explanation (that Carol Lynn Pearson had written it with gay people somewhat in mind). She said she needed to talk to the bishop. I asked her to wait until after Scott had talked to the bishop that morning (about bearing his testimony) and that I would call her back. But she didn't wait--the bishop mentioned it to Scott as he left that morning and told him that I did not have his approval.

The next week I gave the RS Pres. a copy of the following, and told her to run it past the bishop again with the exact wording I wanted to use:

Early in August 1987, ... I received a call from the General Board of the Primary, the Church's organization for children. She said, "Sister Pearson, we have a problem, and we wondered if you could help us solve it. We're preparing a new songbook for the Primary and it's ready to go to press, but there's one more song we need and we don't have it. We're asking you to write it for us. There are so many children in the Church who have special needs, so many who are handicapped or are different in one way or another. We want so much to include them, to encourage the other children to be kind and loving to them. We need the song immediately. Can you do this for us?"

I said, of course, I would try.

"I'll Walk with You" is found on page 140 of the Children's Songbook, music by Reid N. Nibley. It has an illustration of one girl in a wheelchair being pushed by another, both of them smiling. Sometimes when we sing it in Relief Society, I am asked to lead the singing. It pleases me so much to know it is sung in LDS congregations all over the world, by children and often by adults. As they sing, they have in mind children like ... the little girl in the illustration, but as I wrote it I also had in mind the little children who, as they grow up, will find themselves of a sexual orientation sure to present a challenge for them in our church and our society. (No More Goodbyes, page 112-113.)

So, I haven't talked to anyone about it since I gave the paper to her in mid-November. Two days ago, I sent her an email telling her I wanted to use it on Sunday and wondering what she and the bishop had decided. I just received a phone call from one of her counselors, the one over the lessons and music, letting me know that we could not sing the song I had chosen for Sunday.

Me: Can't sing the song? I questioned. It is in the children's songbook. Maybe they don't want me to say what I was going to say, but not even letting us sing the song is ridiculous. It is "I'll Walk with You."

Her: Oh, I love that song, and if it is in the children's songbook, I'm sure it is fine. I don't know. Do you want me to call her again and make sure?

Me: No (then I start crying and rambling about how I want to be released and out of Relief Society and if only people would let Scott and I talk about this incredible mission we are on and the difference we are making and the friends and family we have online that are not real family at all, etc, etc.)

I feel bad that I unloaded on her. I've had a stomach bug for two days now, and I really must go to work tomorrow, and I am getting rather grumpy about it. This was the last straw today. The last homophobic, stupid straw.

I want to just do it anyway, with their disapproval and all.

Thanks for letting me vent. Is it the flu-bug crazziness talking, or a streak of "revengeful" genetics that I get from my mom making me want to go against the adamant council? Our bishop had surgery this week, so I really don't need to add to his stress. And I ought to respect my RS president who has been pretty respectful and non-judgemental of me through all of this, starting with the anonymous letter I wrote to her last August. Bother, here comes the submissive "do what you know is right" side of me. I'm sorry, but I am not in the mood to be Molly Mormon any more. Argh!

Love is Spoken Here

My sister invited me to her Stake Relief Society Enrichment Night tonight. I wasn't sure I wanted to go. After a hard week with politics, heartaches, and midterm grades, I felt I needed to use my time grading papers and actually being a mom to my children for once, but how could I even consider missing this chance to hear Janice Kapp Perry speak and sing? Soon it was all arranged: Scott picked up my mom on the way home from work and she joined us for dinner; my brother's wife came and picked us up at my house, and off we went to meet my sister. It was actually just what I needed. One evening of spiritual peace, of singing my guts out, of laughing so hard I was crying, of good food and fun times with the women in my family.

Toward the beginning, after saying a few things, Sister Perry had us join her in singing a medley of some of the primary songs she has written. They all had such meaning to me, and I smiled as I sang with my voice and my heart, memories flooding back to me with each song. It started with "A Child's Prayer" and ended with "Love is Spoken Here", and I thought of our courtship and times singing these duets with Scott at his parents' piano, or as we hiked down the Lake Desolation trail together. "Army of Helaman" reminded me of Scott's missionary farewell, when he and several other of our male choir friends from high school sang it, many of them already with their mission calls, others working on putting their papers in to serve missions. "I love to See the Temple" reminded me of my own days as a child in primary, when the Jordan River temple was being built. "I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ" brought back fond memories of our 3-4 year old "sunbeam" son (who is now 11) singing every word with precision and enthusiasm. (I wish I had that on video.) And "I'm trying to be like Jesus" reminded me that I need to try harder to be like Him in all that I do and say. I'm afraid that my attitude has not been very Christlike this week, and I can definitely do better.

There was humorous interaction between Brother and Sister Perry, as he joined her with a few words in their own family song, and then planted a passionate kiss on her. She got him back after waiting for him to switch the audio back on at the podium and by saying something to the effect of "He still has the power to turn me on." They were adorable, just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary last year. I needed a good laugh and I got it.

At the end she shared an amazing story with us. She learned about a poem President Hinckley had written through a niece of hers that was sick with cancer. The niece suggested that she ask him if she could set it to music. She timidly wrote him a letter, he responded that it would be great, but to make sure it got his approval before publishing it in a book of new hymns.

The hymn was written, and she sent it off to the Prophet for approval. Meanwhile, her niece passed away and the song was printed and sung at the funeral. Two weeks later, President Hinckley passed away. Janice was sad that she had never received his approval for publication of the hymn. The next day, she received a letter in the mail from President Hinckley giving her the approval. Apparently one of the last things he did before leaving his office on Friday was to write this letter. His secretary mailed it on Saturday, he passed away on Sunday, and Monday she received it in the mail. Less than a week later, the Tabernacle Choir sang it at his funeral. The story gave me chills. The hymn is "What is This Thing That Men Call Death"

What is this thing that men call death,
This quiet passing in the night?
'Tis not the end, but genesis
Of better worlds and greater light.

O God, touch Thou my aching heart
And calm my troubled haunting fears.
Let hope and faith, transcendent, pure,
Give strength and peace beyond my tears.

There is no death, but only change,
With recompense for vict'ry won.
The gift of Him who loved all men,
The Son of God, the Holy One.

I have to thank my Heavenly Father tonight for giving me this experience: to sing, to laugh, to feel the spirit and peace in my heart, knowing that the gospel is true, and no matter what has transpired in the Utah legislature this past week, God is mindful of all of his children. He has a plan for each of us, and we need to have faith in Him, let Him calm our fears, give us strength and peace beyond our tears and anger. We may not understand why this is happening or how it will turn out in the years and eternities to come, but somehow everything will work out the way it is supposed to.

On a lighter note...

I need to get the title of my last post off of everyone's blog rolls...

Sunday I went to choir practice, and we began learning several new songs. One of them was "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" which I LOVE!

I was really tired from staying up too late the night before, and in our house we kind of have a habit of finding dual meaning in words or ideas to make them funny. (Thanks Scott)

Anyway, as we started singing, I chuckled to myself after the words "...some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above..." I couldn't help but visualize "flaming gay" angels with their beautiful voices! It was a pleasant thought and made me smile.

(Photo is from the movie "Were the World Mine" which Scott and I are excited to watch when it becomes available.)

Comforting Words

I tend to procrastinate my church calling.

During Sacrament meeting, I was reading the lesson for Relief Society, which was a conference talk by Elder Scott on abuse. I lead the music in Relief Society, and I try really hard to choose hymns that fit the lesson, so it is helpful to read it first. The topic that best fit the lesson was the atonement, both for someone who has been abused to heal from the pain and forgive, and for the abuser to repent from the transgression.

So I started perusing hymns from the low to mid 100's. Wow, there are a lot of hymns about how the atonement can bring peace and happiness to our lives.

I got so caught up reading through all the hymns and applying them to my own life, that my quest continued during Sunday School. The time went by really quickly for me as I was learning my own lesson, while a similar lesson was actually going on in the background. The instructor basically had the class read 3 Nephi 17-19 a verse at a time. Everyone read a verse, and the reading circulated through the large class 3 times. There was very little discussion, and Scott commented to me later about how boring it was. But I didn't notice, because I was weaving the words that were read about Christ healing and blessing the Nephites with the words of the hymns that I was reading.

I know the atonement is real and powerful. I know that my Savior loves me and wants me to cast my burdens on Him so that I can feel peace and happiness.

It was nice to be reminded of that message today. I always have a prayer in my heart to survive each moment of my day, but I think I need to remember to pray more often for the Savior to share my burden and make it light.

It was a good, peaceful day.

I hope it will continue tomorrow.

Finding Zion

Following is a subject I considered blogging about previously and then decided not to, but based on some recent experiences and conversations that have shed light on it, I now want to put it all together.

On Sunday, August 10 (the Sunday following the week I sent letters to 3 ladies), one of the ladies I sent a letter to was teaching the lesson in Relief Society (she had not taught the lesson the week before).

I felt during her lesson as though some of her comments were directed at me, although since I didn’t know that for sure, I chose not to dwell on it by blogging or otherwise. Now that I know from the bishop that she was the first to go talk to him and was very distraught, I have more reason to believe that my letter was on her mind and that her lesson was influenced by it.

The topic of the lesson was building Zion. She kept saying things like “Everyone goes through tribulations. The best way to get through tribulations is to follow the Lord and follow what the leaders of the church teach us.” I had mentioned in my anonymous letter that I had realized that the leaders of the church are human and not infallible. I wonder if she was trying to give me guidance on this issue.

Also, she talked about how sometimes people close to us will choose the wrong path, but even if it is a spouse, child, sibling or parent, we should remember that it is more important to follow the lord and keep the commandments than to side with the loved one.

She talked about how Zion does not have to be a particular place. It can even be anytime the saints gather, where we can feel peace in the gospel together. I thought at that point that I was not really feeling peace at all, sitting in this gathering place called Relief Society, with the “Saints.”

But then during the closing hymn (I actually chose the hymn to fit the lesson and led it), I felt chills through my body and interpreted it to be the spirit. I’m not sure what message I was supposed to get from that. It was hymn number 47, “We Will Sing of Zion.” Even now as I re-read the words of the hymn, I don’t understand a direct message to me. Maybe I was just supposed to feel peace, and often music will do that for me.

The next day, I prayed to understand why the hymn had affected me. I read through the words. I let my mind wander as I prayed. My mind started going through a script of bearing my testimony in sacrament meeting, sharing with the ward that it might be the last time they would hear me because the spirit had directed our family to leave the church so that we could find peace, or Zion for ourselves, if you will.

After thinking about that experience for the last month, I don’t think I was being directed to leave the church. The spirit was just letting me know that it was an option if at some point I needed it to find peace. And maybe to also help me understand why some people in our situation do chose to leave the church

But I am not giving up yet. Other things have tested me the last couple of years, given me a desire to quit church, but nothing as strong as this. Now, though, I am more determined than ever to stay active.

This morning Scott and I were talking about how important it is for us (and others like us) to stay active in the church if we are to be successful in spreading knowledge, understanding and tolerance about what it means to be gay, and more specifically, what it means to be an active gay Mormon and supportive family. We have to be pioneers of sorts, facing hardships, to pave the way and make it easier for future gay Mormons to be at peace with being active members of the church.