Taking a Stand

Fast and Testimony Meeting, July 3, 2016

Kyle (a 21 year old gay man who is renting a room from me) and I planned to bear our testimonies today. Mama Dragon Kimberly Anderson specifically challenged Mama Dragons to do so during this past week as we were all grieving the news that there had been several suicides, some of which were children of mothers that were either in our group or known personally by members of our group.

Kyle and I attended a funeral on Friday for Stockton Powers. It was heart wrenching but beautiful and hopeful. There were so many people there, wearing rainbow ribbons and pins in support of Stockton and his family. Friends had traveled from California and Idaho and Arizona to be there.

I mentioned to Kyle the challenge from Kim in the mama dragon group, and he told me he had already been planning on doing that very thing in my ward on Sunday.

Saturday evening as I finished practicing the organ in the chapel for Sacrament meeting the next day, thoughts started running through my mind of things I could say. I came home and typed them up, crying as I did so. I knew I would cry when I spoke.

Sunday morning, Kyle and I went early so that I could practice and play prelude. I offered to sit in the congregation with him, but instead he chose to sit on the stand with me, hiding behind the organ. While I was playing prelude, a member of the bishopric came up to talk to the chorister, letting her know what he had planned for the month so that she could choose songs to go with the topics. He mentioned that he didn't know who was speaking the last Sunday. Then he turned to me and said, "Do you want to speak? I'll give you a topic. You'll have to be good."

Continuing to play the organ, knowing the plan that Kyle and I had to speak today lie ahead, I laughed and said "I haven't spoken in eleven years. And any topic you give me can be applied to what I strongly believe in, so you'll have to tell me what I can and can't say." We talked about it a bit more, but I needed to play and he needed to sit down for the meeting. Meanwhile, the new stake president walked in and sat on the stand. First he looked at me at the organ and said hello. I turned to Kyle and mouthed quietly, "Damn, that is the stake president!" A look of fear struck his face, probably mirroring my own.

After the opening hymn and the sacrament hymn, I climbed down from the organ bench and sat next to Kyle. He said "I'm still going to do it." I replied, "Then I am too." I asked Kyle if he wanted to go first or if he wanted me to. He said he didn't care. So finally I told him that I wanted him to go first and I was so nervous that I wanted to get it over with, so he better go soon.

After a couple of testimonies, he finally got up. He was calm. He told everyone that he is gay, that he came out 3 three years ago, and then he was abused by someone in his ward. He talked about Stockton's funeral, listing many of Stockton's awesome qualities, but also that he was gay. He talked about struggling so much that evening, after the funeral, that he asked for a priesthood blessing--something he hasn't done for several years. He talked about the peace he felt following the blessing and of God's love for him.

I planned to get up right after, but a teenage girl beat me to it. She mentioned how she wished her brother had been there today to hear Kyle's testimony. When she was done, I got up.

I said something jokingly(sorta) about the bishopric probably being nervous that I was getting up. Then I talked about Kyle, how he had adopted me as his mom, and what a blessing his testimony was to me. I mentioned an article in the newspaper about how youth suicides had tripled in Utah since 2007. About how teachers all have required suicide prevention training as part of recertification. I said that no matter who they are or how they identify or what they've done in their lives, whether they are straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer, that God loves them and knows what it is in their hearts. I talked about being the advisor of a gay/straight alliance at Kearns High School, of how much I loved those kids, of how many of them did not feel loved by their families and desperately wanted to feel loved by their families.

I mentioned that since many changes had happened in our ward over the last 8 years, that some of them may not be aware of my situation, that they might not even know that I have five amazing children. I talked about Scott coming out over the pulpit in testimony meeting. I talked about feeling his mother's love for him that afternoon, hugging him and telling him it was from her. I mentioned how it became more difficult for our family to come to church, and that he had eventually resigned. But that he is still a wonderful father and man.

I talked about how Scott is really struggling lately for various reasons, and that the shooting in Orlando had been very difficult for him, that a couple of weeks ago when he and I were going to the courthouse to finish our divorce paperwork, I watched him struggle with panic attacks. That evening I cried and cried over his pain and struggles, worrying about him and wishing and wondering if there was more I could do. I also wondered why I was feeling this love and concern for him so strongly, because even though I did love him, I wasn't still in love with him. It occurred to me that maybe once again, I was feeling the emotions of his mother. That thought was confirmed, and then I said out loud, "Ok, Cheryl. Leave me alone! I need to calm down and get some rest." (The congregation chuckled.) I felt prompted to message his little sister and tell her of my experience, and then I was able to calm down and rest. I had my tonsils out the week before and crying and stressing out was not helping me feel better in the least.

I talked about how I know there are angels amongst us, that our forefathers and ancestors were around us, along with God and Christ, cheering us on and wanting us to be happy. I talked about that there is a place in this church for anyone who wanted to be there, and even if it didn't feel like it sometimes, that there would always be a place there, sitting next to me if needed.

I cried the entire time I spoke, and I saw people in the congregation smiling and crying as well. Kyle said he was also crying.

Afterward, many people came up on the stand to talk to us and thank us. To welcome Kyle to the ward and let him know he was welcome there. All three members of the bishopric thanked me, and I asked the one I had been talking to before the meeting if I had said anything out of line. He said no, that what I said was perfect. That it was the elephant in the room that needed to be talked about, but that hardly anyone wants to talk about. That it is a perspective that the people needed to hear.

The stake president was busy talking to other people who had gone up to greet him, so he and I didn't talk at all afterward. I will look forward to sometime being able to talk to him further. He is a fairly new stake president, that I don't know very well, and I'm not sure where he stands on this issue with our stake.

Later in relief society, an older lady shared with me that she had a gay sister, who had passed away last year. During the lesson, the daughter of another lady in our ward spoke up and said that later after church she and her husband were going to talk to their eight year old about finding a balance between loving and accepting LBGT, and understanding God's unchanging laws. I flinched a little bit. I hope that eight year old is not gay. But at least the conversation is happening. Yay for small victories.

So there it is, more or less. I can't remember exactly what I said. I was so nervous and emotional. But I do know that if even one soul, one life is better because of it, it was worth it.

Many other Mama Dragons also spoke in their Sacrament Meetings. Can you imagine these testimonies and tears and pleading for love happening all over that day? What a beautiful beautiful thought.

Revelation

Is revelation a call to obedience, or a gift of God's love?

With the onset of summer break came the courage for me to attend some LDS church meetings yesterday. During the school year, a bad Sunday carries over to a miserable Monday--I call it an emotional hangover. But any resulting stress from Sunday is easier to handle on Monday if I don't have to face classrooms full of teenagers while still distraught.

I actually intended to attend my entire three hour block of church--something I haven't done for nearly a year. But then I found out that one of my dear straight spouse friends was teaching a lesson on revelation in her relief society meeting at the same time as my sacrament meeting, so I decided to go there instead.

My friend focused on personal revelation, and had mentioned that while preparing the lesson that she felt she should focus on God's love.

A few days earlier some of us on an online straight spouse support group were discussing the challenge of reconciling our personal revelation and views on homosexuality with church "doctrine". One incredibly wise and spiritual woman among us shared her beautiful thoughts:

I felt really caught in the middle for a long time: President Packer and others so sure their revelation was correct, my gay husband having such immense spiritual experiences when he FINALLY got the courage to ask God if he were even loved, and then if it is okay to be gay. Both men asking opposite questions and coming away positive they are correct. When I finally pleaded with my Heavenly Father, telling him I didn't know...I had absolutely no idea which idea was correct, I felt an outpouring of love. My answer was simply "I love you, it will be okay". And I knew that was true. I really think that maybe some pray, so convinced of what the answer will be before they even ask the question, that God simply says "I love you" and that amazing feeling is interpreted as a definitive answer that "I am right". This is my favorite quote from Elder Uctdorf, and I think it hits the nail on the head:

"Brothers and sisters, as good as our previous experience may be, if we stop asking questions, stop thinking, stop pondering, we can thwart the revelations of the Spirit. Remember, it was the questions young Joseph asked that opened the door for the restoration of all things. We can block the growth and knowledge our Heavenly Father intends for us. How often has the Holy Spirit tried to tell us something we needed to know but couldn’t get past the massive iron gate of what we thought we already knew?" DIETER F. UCHTDORF

I think that it is important that we move forward, based on the dictates of our conscience. As we move, as we continue to search and pray, we come to slowly understand more and more the mind of God. It is a journey. We may not have the complete answers in our lifetime, but if we act on what we truly feel is right and good, we will be okay. It is as I move forward that I become more convinced that I am doing what is best for me and my family. When I first start on any given path, I'm not sure. As I move forward, I either go....ummm....yea, this isn't feeling right. So I move in a different direction, until what I'm doing feels right. Then I move full speed ahead! I am sure my understanding of homosexuality will change over time and my ideas will become more fully developed and closer to the truth. And that is okay. It is part of life. Do I have very strong convictions and beliefs on homosexuality YES. Do they differ from those of respected church leaders? In some instances yes, in others, who knows? I do think that we are on the brink of further revelation. All the wonderful strides that are being made in the world to accept and love each other are setting the foundation. I hope to help others start to think and to question so that we may be ready as the changes come.

Back to my friend's lesson. Toward the beginning there were some comments made regarding leaders receiving revelation for us and our role to be obedient to them. I felt myself becoming obstinate and angry. This is my most common inner reaction any time I attend church meetings, and that is why I go so seldom. I frequently feel angry and tense. But as the lesson went on, my attitude softened, and by the end I was feeling a need for my own love and patience with church leaders and members.

For most of the lesson my friend was the facilitator, asking for a few quotes or scriptures to be read and then asking the reader what they thought. Personal experiences were shared and I gained some insight. She mentioned to me later that it had been a really hard lesson for her to prepare, so she really needed the comments from the class to teach the lesson. And they did.

One sister spoke of praying regarding doubts to marrying her fiancé, and she asked for a black and white answer. She felt God's love for her when she happened to see some texts on her fiance's phone in black and white, and she knew that was her answer to breaking the engagement. I couldn't help but remember my own doubts when I was engaged to Scott. I've blogged about this long ago, but I don't think it was a strong black-and-white prompting. Rather, I think of it more as God's sadness in knowing the difficult yet important journey of which I was about to embark.

Another sister spoke of the scripture from the Book of Mormon where Alma says "O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!" but then he realizes that God is in charge. People must be ready to hear the message, and God knows when that is. I've always thought of this scripture in terms of missionary work, but this time I personally took it with my own desire for gay rights activism, and a message from God to me to be patient. I felt the same message again at an LGBTQ church-approved fireside last night when the brother giving the closing prayer specifically asked that we might be blessed with patience for our leaders and family members. It must have been something I needed to hear.

Another comment was made regarding revelation and spirituality that made me think; someone said, "what we put into it is what we get out of it". I am really struggling with the direction the kids and I should go with regards to church attendance, but I have also become lax in the things that will help me be able to receive that revelation, like prayer and scripture study. I guess I need to decide how serious I am about getting an answer. Maybe I don't really want an answer right now. Maybe I just want to enjoy my break a bit longer, and so putting the effort in might mean getting an answer out that I am not yet ready to hear. I'm afraid of it regardless of whether it is to stay in the church or to leave it. Both solutions terrify me.

Needless to say, I left the first meeting uplifted and ready to attend another. I called the kids at home and said that whoever was willing to go to church with me should get ready because I would be home soon.

My daughter and toddler came with me (can you believe he is almost 2!?) and he attended the nursery for the first time ever. :)

As I approached the relief society room, men that were leaving Sunday school extended quick but heartfelt hello's and big smiles. One man asked, "Come back to visit, huh?" I thought he was teasing me, when he in fact was under the impression I had moved because he hadn't seen me for so long. When he found that out, his insistence that I not be inactive gave me that same stubborn, chip-on-my-shoulder feeling again that had dissipated so nicely during the previous hour. I thought about all the times that as a true-believing-Mormon I had done the same, probably over welcoming less active members when they did come, and I felt a little bit bad about it, but also a little bit more patient with the members for their good intentions. I wanted to just sit in the back and blend into the woodwork. A friend reminded me that I would have to come on a regular basis again for that to happen, LOL.

Sit in the back I did, with some very good friends with which I could banter and mutter under my breath to ease my anxiety. The teacher began handing out quotes to be read, and told us she was starting at the back because she usually always starts at the front. I looked at my quote and dread came over me. I seriously considered leaving. The quote was about the prophet receiving revelation and our requirement to sustain and obey and not be judgmental of him and his words. I asked the teacher if it was okay for me to read something I didn't believe, and she said she hoped I believed it, but I muttered something and gave her a look to indicate that I really wasn't sure that I did. Then my friend next to me showed me the quote she was to read, and I was grateful I had the one I did and not hers, which said: We have had misguided souls in the Church who have, in their ignorance, opposed the advice of the [President of the Church], not sensing the fact that they were opposing the Lord and they have fallen into darkness and sorrow, and unless they repent they will not find a place in the celestial kingdom. Ug. Then my friend opened her lesson manual and I was shocked to see the title and know that it was the same lesson I had attended that morning in my friend's ward.

I read my quote and listened to the other quotes be read and I distracted myself by texting my friend and searching for President Uchtdorf's quote on Facebook. The discussion went on in the background: our leaders receive revelation for us from God. We are required to follow them. We do not get to pick and choose what we believe. We can receive revelation for ourselves and our families/children, but not for our ward or for the church.

I was determined that when the topic changed from leaders to personal revelation, that I would raise my hand and share President Uchtdorf's quote. At least I hoped the lesson would go there, and finally it did. And I raised my hand, and I shared and a lovely discussion ensued. The relief society president leaned toward me from a nearby row and asked me to send the quote by Facebook message to her later.

One of the most memorable comments was from a sister regarding her daughter's rocky marriage. She said she prayed for the marriage to be saved and left intact; for the conflicts to go away. But she was always left with a "stupor of thought." Finally she figured out that it was none of her business, and worded her prayers differently. After the lesson I thanked her for her comment and shared my own similar experience, just a feeling I've had with regards to prayers for me.

At the peak of my struggle with attending church a few months ago, I was so conflicted. As you know, going to church made me miserable and panicky, but staying home I felt guilty. One time when my mother-in-law mentioned that they always pray for me and Scott and the kids, something occurred to me. I thanked her graciously but then asked she be sure she was praying for us to find peace and make the right decisions for our family, rather than praying for us to go back to our regular church attendance. She didn't comment, but staying home and finding peace in my journey seemed easier after that. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I don't think so.

After church I didn't feel the usual burden and I didn't think I was going to have to deal with an "emotional hangover" today. Yay! I posted the following on facebook:

It was interesting to go to the same relief society lesson on revelation twice today, taught by two different people. It was really like two completely different lessons. One was in my ward and focused a lot on following our leaders and the revelation they receive. The other was taught by a straight spouse friend of mine and focused on personal revelation and feeling God's love. I learned from both of them--not necessarily the message of the lesson itself, but more from comments and personal experiences. I do not regret attending either of them. It was so good to see friends that I don't see otherwise in my own ward.


The day ended with a wonderful fireside and conversations with fabulous LGBTQ and Mormon ally friends. Not sure what I will do about church next week, but it was an amazing and peaceful step for me yesterday. I was able to endure what could have been a devastating lesson and instead keep confidence in my own beliefs and in my own personal revelation. I am grateful for the experience, and extremely grateful for good friends, or angels, that God has placed in my path.

My brave blog friend

It's possible that all of my blog readers also read many of the blogs that I have posted links to at the left. I don't know if all of the blogs that I have linked to even exist any more, because I haven't read any of them for so long. I blame Facebook because there I get a fast overview of how most of my blog friends are doing all in one place.

But one of my links goes to the blog of a lady who I met in person for the first time at the Mormon stories conference in November. Our chance to visit with each other was short but meaningful as I found out who she was and how much my blog and journey had meant to her.

She has gone through quite the journey of her own the past few years, and though her life and goals have changed drastically, she has maintained her testimony and finds peace in continuing to attend church meetings.

Recently she went through the experience of a church court and excommunication. In preparation for the event, she wrote a letter to read at the court so that she would be able to say exactly what she wanted to say. The letter was so beautiful, so heartfelt, do courageous and honest, so touching, that I asked for her permission for me to share it here on my blog as well.

Enjoy!

*********

When I was informed a counsel was to be held concerning me, I spoke to others who have been through a similar experience due to similar actions. A common piece of advice, though importantly noted is that it was not the only piece of advice, was that I not attend this counsel as the end result would be the same regardless. Yet I want to sit before you, as your sister, someone you have known and loved for more than eight years. I could not allow this issue to be presented to you as an empty chair. It’s far more important, and far more personal, than that.

So here I sit before you because I have sexual relations with a woman. I have been having sexual intimacy with a woman since September of 2010 – 18 months ago – after ten years of consistent celibacy. This did not become counsel worthy until my current girlfriend, my second in this 18 months, happens to be married. We’ve been seeing each other for four months, and this relationship has become sexual. She is separated from her husband and is not yet divorced because they could not afford the fee to have the judge place his final stamp on the paperwork already under way. This is not a typical affair with a married woman as it is not in secret. In fact, not only is her husband completely aware of our relationship and the nature of it, but he is one of the biggest supporters of it. He has seen his wife, whom he loves deeply, struggle for 18 years, and sees her now finding happiness, joy, and fulfillment she could never accept from him. He celebrates and supports her happiness and fulfillment. So am I committing adultery? Maybe in part according to the dictionary. But would this outcome be any different if we waited until she is truly divorced, once the judge gives his final stamp? I’d still be having sexual relations with a woman. Because I do not have the luxury of waiting until she and I are married.

It would be so simple to make this an issue about sex, but I’m here, in part, to explain to you that it is much more than that. Many would like to make this an issue of selfishness, of base desires, of merely physical behaviors. Yet that is not what I seek in my relationships with others. I seek the same thing anyone else seeks: Love, companionship, connection, intimacy on a deep and spiritual level. And for some reason unknown to science and man, who will likely argue about cause forever more, I find these human needs met by women. Completely and utterly by women. Not because I desire to sin, not because I’m all about sex, not because I’m carnal and devilish. And absolutely not because I’m an abomination. Because that is how Sister Mack’s heart and soul work. After more than 25 years of trying to change it, modify it, manage it, and ignore it – through faith, prayer, fasting, temple attendance, and perfect obedience to every principle, through therapy, blessings, and support – all of the above and sheer will – nothing has changed what speaks to my heart and soul. Nothing has changed the fact that I feel compete, full, joyful, and yes, closer to the Lord and my true self, when I am having a close, complete, and intimate relationship with a woman. Though I never chose this, and find it utterly ridiculous to consider choosing such a difficult and dichotomous journey, I am gay, and despite my own best efforts and my greatest efforts in turning this over to the Lord, this isn’t changing. God is not removing my homosexuality from me.

The bishop asked when we last met if I thought I was somehow exempt from the laws of God. Tough question to answer because I in fact do not feel I am any more special than anyone else. In the least. And yet, that law of chastity, which applies to all of the Lord’s children, has a special part for me and the thousands like me who are homosexual. We are not required to wait until marriage like our straight brothers and sisters. We are asked to refrain for our entire lives. And not to only refrain from sexual contact, but the mere feelings. Read carefully and find that any homosexual behavior is an abomination. Any. I cannot flirt, date, hold hands, kiss. Because to do even the most basic of these human connection behaviors is not only a sin, but an abomination. So am I any different than my straight brothers and sisters? Absolutely. Am I more special? Given more tools? More strength? A ram in the thicket? Absolutely not. Yet, more is required of me. Of me, who has the same needs and desires, me who loves the Lord and the gospel. Am I exempt? No. Am I more special? No. And why then is more required of me? Perhaps just the very gravity of the difficulty need be considered. Perhaps just the utter impossibility of the position I am thus placed in need be truly considered. Because here I sit before you in a counsel and the outcome places me in a position of choosing my religion or choosing my need for human connection and meaningful relationship. Either decision leaves me with half a life. I cannot imagine my life without the full blessings of the gospel, living half a life. I cannot picture living my life once again impossibly celibate, empty, and deeply alone, living half a life.

When will these restrictions end for someone like me? When I choose to be empty and deeply alone? And when will that be okay with my soul? Will I then be free to participate in the gospel? When I’m unfulfilled and lonely? Because I don’t see that happening. Do you realize then that these restrictions placed on me are more or less permanent? I will never again take the sacrament, never again see the inside of a temple, never again serve the Lord in a calling. It’s not like you’re disciplining a straight person who can eventually marry the person they’re sinning with, keep having this amazing and sexual relationship, and suddenly be allowed back into full fellowship. From this seat it appears I will never have those blessings ever again. Because I have lived 45 years empty and lonely and I’m now making a choice for happiness and peace.

Yet the bishop said I need to be held accountable for my choices. I agree. Hold me accountable for my years of faithfulness, my faithfully fulfilling every calling that came my way, my intense and deep love of the Lord. Hold me accountable for obeying and applying each and every principle in my life – until recently excepting this one. Hold me accountable for sitting through a sacrament meeting where I am called a villain repeatedly from the pulpit and then staying with the church when so many leave. Hold me accountable for keeping my sensitive son active and returning when he hears in young mens that his mother is disgusting because she’s homosexual – and this from a respected and revered former bishop of this ward. Hold me accountable for teaching my children to love a church which does not accept me unless I ignore a huge part of who I am. Hold me accountable for encouraging my children to speak to their bishop about issues that may need some repenting, hoping and praying fervently that they are never treated the way I have been treated in the past. Hold me accountable for my living and breathing testimony of this gospel, which will never waiver, regardless of how I am treated, and regardless of the outcome of this counsel. Gays and lesbians are leaving this church in droves, feeling abused and rejected – because they indeed are abused and rejected. I continue and always will. Hold me accountable for that. And for the fact that I take my covenant and promise to not speak ill of the Lord’s anointed seriously, and I don’t and never will speak ill of this church or its leaders. Hold me accountable. And keep in mind that I am the one who came to you. I am the one who confessed my sins without being compelled to do so, because that is who I am. Hold me accountable. I am a good, honest, and deeply spiritual woman who loves the Lord with all my heart.

And yes, I mean spiritual. Last visit with the bishop he heard me share a spiritual experience with him and his response to me was, “You mean to tell me that you are committing adultery and having spiritual experiences?” as if to say I am now no longer granted spiritual experiences. I give a resounding “Absolutely” to the bishop’s question. This seems to fly in the face of what we’re taught all our lives. We sin, we lose the spirit. But I testify to you that I indeed feel the spirit, and often. I feel a burning in my bosom, I feel guided and directed in ways that are without question from the Lord. What does this mean? One of three things. 1) We’re taught wrong that sin will make the spirit depart. Doesn’t seem likely. 2) I am not committing sin, which I imagine you cannot accept. Or 3) the Lord is more merciful, kind, and loving to his gay and lesbian children in his gospel because he knows the impossible position in which we are placed. It’s that mercy, kindness, and love I pray you’ll be able to tap into. Perhaps I still feel the spirit because I am not making these choices because I am rebellious and proud. I am not being willfully disobedient, but merely so tired of my only path of righteousness leading to such emptiness.
You sit here before me with a decision to make. I’ve been called here because you fear I am falling away from the Lord and from His teachings. If that is indeed true, tell me the sense it makes to remove from me – likely permanently – the very tools I need to return to him, to stay close to him. If I am to remain close to him, I would likely need the sacrament, the priesthood, the temple, my garments, and opportunities to serve – in abundance. The Lord and Savior I love and cling to does not shun me and he does not push me away. Ever. He is ever near me, ever guiding me, ever loving me.

I love this gospel. I love the Lord. I love and know the Book of Mormon is true. I know Joseph saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and was a prophet of God. I know President Monson is a true prophet of God. I love the priesthood, know it is the power of God, and I honor it. And nothing will change this knowledge or belief. Know that without question, regardless of the outcome of this counsel, I will continue, as I always have, to endeavor to live my life by what I understand my Savior’s will for me to be.

I say all of this to you in the name of my Lord, Savior, and Brother, Jesus Christ, who I know loves me and accepts me without question.

*****

Amen, friend. Amen. God bless you. Thank you for letting your light shine and sharing your testimony and courage with the world.

Alternate Paths

I actually went to Sacrament meeting yesterday. The talk was on progression, specifically on eternal progression.

The speaker made tremendous effort to prevent feelings of guilt throughout her talk. She spoke of her own weaknesses, she spoke of trials, she spoke of how sometimes we fall off the path. And that is okay, because we can get back on the path to eternal life.

I wasn't offended by the meeting, and I really enjoyed seeing some friends and singing the hymns, but I realized that I really don't belong there any more.

The thought I had was that some people probably think I have fallen or am falling off the path. But even if I have, aren't I just on a different path? Some paths lead the some place, some paths lead to different places. If the path is a peaceful and happy one, then it seems that it would end up in a similar location. I really hope to find that peaceful path soon, because I am pretty sure it is not within the church.

My father-in-law referenced an article in Mormon Times recently, about a gay man that has joined the church and is happy living church standards, even though he has AIDS and previously lived the gay lifestyle. Scott's dad's comment was that "it can be done" as though anyone can do it. I was quick and firm to correct him. That might be the right path for some people. But just because it is right for and can be done by one person does not mean it is right and can be done by everyone. He also talked to me about the fact that there are still people in the church that are supportive of gay rights, and that are even activists. He was trying to tell me that I could do it too, but again, I tried to convince him that just because some can do it, doesn't mean everyone can, and that I think I've decided that is not the right path for me. At least not right now, and maybe never again. All I know is that I take life one day at a time, seeking peace for me and my children.

There has been interesting news lately confirming that the LDS church actually is losing a lot of members. (Duh!) Former church historian Marlin K. Jensen shared some of the details and concerns, as seen in this article from the Salt Lake Tribune, or this clip from an ABC4 news cast:



Here are comments from interviewees in the newscast that bothered me a bit. They really have no idea...

• "I'm from Chile, and down there a lot of people just stop attending. They take it a little bit too casual."
• "If people are leaving, I think it's really a mark that we all need to get deeper into our faith."
• "When life is going good, and we don't have as many challenges, sometimes we don't turn to God."
• "It does come down to us, as members of the church we need to go out there and do our part."

Most of the people I know that have left or are leaving have not taken leaving casually at all. I have been one of the LEAST casual. Also, I was one of the most faithful members I know, and I don't think I could have been any deeper into my faith. My life is good and challenge-free so I don't need God? HAHAHAHA! The last comment makes me think of how I know the church works with trying to reactivate. I used to do it! Me and my kids are tired of people saying "Where have you been?" or "We miss you." or "Why don't you come any more?" I really appreciate people that don't ask me that, and instead, ask me how I really am, and really try to be my friend.


Some of you might have seen this before, but here is a presentation by John Dehlin, founder of Mormon Stories Foundation, that talks about why people leave the LDS church and what friends and family can do. The problem I see with it is that the people who need it most are probably not willing to listen to it.



I'm hearing and learning of more and more people that are leaving because of historical facts they are finding on the internet. When Scott first shared some of these details with me, it did not affect my testimony, because I know that prophets are men and make mistakes (something with which my Stake President and many other TBMs fiercely disagree), I know that things change and evolve in the church as needed, and I have always had a strong testimony of things like Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon, and of course of God and Christ.

Rather than the historical controversies themselves, I am more bothered by the fact that the church is not honest with its history. By the fact that members are encouraged to follow the prophet over personal revelation, or rather the idea that we should seek personal revelation to see that something the church says or does IS true and right, rather than to find out IF it is true. The fact that Mormon parents try to hide things from their children, like the existance of gay people, and keep them in an environment of closed-mindedness instead of teaching and encouraging them to think for themselves and make their own decisions and mistakes.

And like something I recently discovered in my own ward--parents withholding priveleges from youth, like dating or driving, until the child has earned their eagle scout or young womanhood medalian. And worse yet, it was done at the recommendation of the Bishop!

The behavior of TBMs (True Believing Mormons) like Scott's sibblings that won't let him bring a date to family parties or let their children find out that Uncle Scott is gay, like next door neighbors that don't allow their children to play at my house, or like the situation I described in the above paragraph are doing much more harm to my staying in the church than any weird historical stories from church history. Maybe it is because of my love for youth, for the kids I teach at school, especially the ones in the GSA club, that these things bother me so much!

I am grateful for a mother that taught me by example to be open-minded, to question, to be self-motivated. I accomplished things like earning my Young Womanhood medalian or graduating from seminary because I wanted to, not because I was bribed or threatened. I'm not sure she is glad that she set that example, as she is really concerned right now with the path the children and I appear to be heading down with regards to the church. But I think that she is the reason I still have a testimony.

I've watched others that came from TBM homes that when they find out about church history and start to question, everything that they thought they once believed breaks into a million pieces. They are not able to hang on to any pieces of their testimony as a result, which is sad. I rejoice in my testimony of God, of a life after death, of my Savior and redeemer Jesus Christ. I still love passages from the book of Mormon that have brought so much peace and understanding and hope to my life for nearly 40 years. Where-ever my path may end up, I cannot imagine ever denying these aspects of my testimony that were once so strong. But I also do not judge those who don't believe, who find peace and happiness in other paths like atheism. At least I try not to judge them, but I know I still have work to do in that area. Which is a whole different blogpost entirely!

Power of the Priesthood

(I jotted down these thoughts in April 2011, but never got around to publishing them. That happens a lot!)

Last fall, asked a couple of math teachers that I work with to give me a blessing. One in his bishopric, one the bishop of another ward, but they seemed awkward, yet willing. I was sick with a cold that was lingering, and I was overwhelmed by requirements at school and my life at home. Scott had recently had his name removed from the records of the church, so I no longer felt it appropriate to ask him for a blessing. This feeling was agonizing since the priesthood is one of the things I was always so grateful for in my choice of a husband.

In the blessing, my dear friend told me that I didn't need hands on my head to call on the power of God, the Priesthood, on behalf of myself or my children--that I could ask God any time to bless me or my family.

Several times since, when I might normally in the past been inclined to ask Scott to give me or one of the children a blessing, instead I prayed and called on God to use his power to heal and comfort myself or my child.

One night I called Scott up from the basement to help me with the baby. He had an ear infection, and I had just barely fed him and given him a dose of Advil for his raging fever when a coughing spell caused him to throw up all over him and me.

Scott changed and cleaned him up while I took care of myself and hopped in the shower. I could hear the baby crying, so I began to pray and call on the Lord to comfort and heal my child. During my prayer, I had the strong feeling that I should ask Scott to bless him. Scott agreed, and I found the oil. It was a very touching experience for me, one that I will cherish and felt that I should write down so I could remember.

I don't know if it was appropriate or not, but I don't really care. As I already mentioned, Scott had resigned his membership and therefore his Priesthood power. But it still felt like the right thing to do, and I don't know why, and I will never question or regret my decision to ask him.

It was interesting to contrast the experience to a blessing that I requested from members of my ward. I talked to my home teacher/Elders Quorum President about a blessing for the baby another time, when he had been diagnosed with RSV. The blessing was delegated to a neighbor and his son, and the son had never participated in a blessing before. It was kind of cool to have been able to provide that opportunity for him. But at the same time, I was awkward about having asked, wondering if this father was being at all judgmental of Scott or feeling sorry for me since he was there blessing my child instead of Scott. I made a mental observation that calling on the power of God myself was just as effective and less awkward than requesting one from worthy members of my ward. That doesn't mean I won't ask again if I feel it is right to do so, but I am grateful to know that God is mindful of me without having a priesthood holder in my home.

Clarity and faith

The week following my last post, I took the time to do some serious thinking and feeling. I was encouraged in part to do so because of an email Scott sent to me that explained some of the reasons his testimony has evaporated. I felt a need to attend the temple to seek some answers.

Here are some of my thoughts during my drive on the way there, and then while sitting on the temple grounds after doing some initiatory work. Some of the thoughts stem from Scott's words, which I am choosing not to post.

• Yes, there are other churches with good and bad pieces, with people that will be rewarded for their good works and faith.
• God lives. Jesus is the Christ.
• It does not matter if leaders are perfect or not, if church history is twisted, if policies change, if it seems sometimes that things are so conflicting, contradictory, hypocritical. God allows things to happen, mistakes to be made, for a reason.
• Culture...Life...Policies...Ways of doing things are ever changing, and always will be changing. But God is the same forever. He loves all of us--liberals, conservatives, atheists, believers--and he knows what is in our hearts, how our experiences have brought us each to where we are. No one but Him can truly judge why each of us act or think the ways we do. He allows changes to happen when and how is best. Key word there that I feel strongly about is "allow." We have our agency--each of us, even church leaders. But just like cleaning a room, where sometimes it has to get messier first before it improves, God is doing his own cleaning using agency, and we cannot yet see where the end result will be. But all will be well. We must have faith. We cannot forget the testimony-building experiences in our individual pasts just because it is a little messy now.
• The contradictions and the call for obedience, and what often seems like blind obedience, are frustrating. I know that. I have felt and experienced that in many ways over the years. What does matter is doing the best we can with what we've got. Finding a place, a religion, a philosophy that works best for each of us, whether that be where we are most comfortable or where we have the greatest opportunity for growth, and often where we can help others grow along with us.

I began to relate these thoughts to me personally, to something that helps me understand why God and church leaders do the things they do, why obedience is so important, and why change in what once seemed like the unchangeable sometimes happens.

Over the 13 years of being a teacher, my policies have also been ever-changing. I try one thing, and then the next year or semester I tweak or completely change something. But while that policy is in place, I try to be consistent in enforcing it. Students sometimes question my policies. Sometimes I explain, sometimes I say it just is the way it is so deal with it. Despite my efforts to be consistent (justice), there are exceptions (mercy), or there are times when I help a student all that I can to meet my own policy, wishing I didn't have to enforce it for that student, but making up the difference so it works out. If a student really desires not to fail, I make it possible for them not to fail, as long as they follow make-up tasks I give them, which are often quite easy. Despite the easiness, many still do not listen to know what they can do, or they don't care, or they don't even try. Someday they might regret it. Some will do credit recovery. Some will drop out and never graduate. Some will get their GED later. There are different paths to get the same place, and some take much longer, and some are just different.

Sometime within the last couple of years, when one of my neighbors bore her testimony in Sacrament meeting, she spoke of her family hiking to delicate arch. She mentioned that her older son ended up going a different way, but he still made it there. She related it to this life, and how some of us follow the marked trail, others of us follow other trails that end up the same place. Some trails might be more difficult than others, or one that is difficult for one person is amazingly right for another person. Sometimes we think someone is lost, but they are just going a different way. I don't remember exactly what she said, and I might be adding some of my own thoughts, but you get the idea.

We recently went to Arches National Park as a family. The trail to delicate arch was harder than I remembered, but the end result was also more spectacular than I remembered from the last time I was there 20 + years ago. I thought of this friend's testimony and analogy to life. Life is hard, we all follow our own path, and the path that someone follows may be right for that person even though it is not for another.

Many people like to quote scriptures that I feel like they are directing at people like me, like "straight is the path and narrow the way that leads to eternal life." For some that may be true. The "straight and narrow path" of the "tree of life" analogy in the Book of Mormon is just another analogy--an analogy that some can relate to but others cannot. I think I might want to spend some more time thinking about Lehi's dream of the tree of life, and determining what it means for me personally, finding myself there, and understanding how the "great and spacious building" fits in. Stay tuned for that one...

A little side note of thoughts that I gleaned from my time in the temple itself:

1. I am blessed to know the difference between truth and error. I couldn't stop thinking about a line in my patriarchal blessing that says I have a talent to believe and accept truth. I realized that I inherintly know that God lives, that the basic gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and that is all that matters. Strange historical facts from the early days of the church that tear apart peoples' testimonies--I don't need to know if that is true or not. It doesn't matter. I can still know in my heart that Joseph Smith was a prophet that spoke to God.

2. I should listen to the council of my husband and the council of God. Scott has much good insight. The same email contained some advice for me regarding the children, about being more consistant in requiring them to be responsible with their chores. I can do better. I am trying to do better, and hopefully that will make the summer break and life in general easier for all of us.

3. I will be protected from the destroyer. I'm leaving out some details because these are sacred words from the temple, and I feel like it is not appropriate for me to say more. But I was impressed that I am doing what is right to keep myself safe from the clutches of Satan, that I am truly not the evil I that I wondered if I could be after reading that talk in last month's Ensign magazine.

One of the main things I did the night I received Scott's email and the following morning at the temple was pondering spiritual experiences in my past, experiences that I simply cannot deny coming from a loving Heavenly Father. Even as I write this, I feel overwhelmed by his love for all of his children, gay or straight, citizen or alien, believing member or cynical x-member. He loves all of us and focuses on the good in each of us. And eventually we will all end up where we are supposed to be. Maybe exhaultation is easier to get to than we think it is, or maybe the Celestial Kingdom is simply not the right place for everyone. I don't know. All I know is that I am at peace with where I am, with my activity in the church. And if Scott (and many others that I know that have resigned their church membership) is at peace with where he is, then maybe that is what is right for him. Maybe someday he will come back. Maybe he won't. But he is still a good man, and God knows that and can judge that when no one else can.

God's wisdom

I've always wondered about a main element in the history of the world in the church. Every time I have attended the temple, I have wondered...

If obedience is so important, then why did God command Adam and Eve to NOT eat of the fruit, but then their transgression was essential for the rest of us in the plan of salvation. Why would he give them a commandment that they were required to disobey?

In the book of Mormon, we read:

24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things. (2 Nephi chapter 2).

A girl in my ward who recently returned from a mission bore her testimony today, focusing on this scripture, and how it is her favorite (and was throughout her mission) because it tells us we don't need to worry. God is in charge, and as long as we do the best we can, things will work out.

Her words touched my heart, both for my own life and for the future of the church.

I know many, many people who have recently resigned from the church because of the gay issue.

But I have faith that God knows what he is doing, and that all will be made right.

Look at this...

I read the scriptures before and after verse 24.

22 And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.
23 And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.
24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.
25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy. 

So, is the "fall" of so many individuals right now also part of God's plan? Is it His wisdom to let these things happen so that men, all men (and women) regardless of their sexual orientation, might have joy?

Lots to ponder. The spirit was strong in my mind and heart today, filling me with faith and prompting me to share my own testimony with my children, that I do know the gospel is true, and that I know Heavenly Father is wise and has allowed things to happen and that everything will be right and good.

And so I keep doing the best I can, allowing my faith to grow every time the spirit touches my heart like this. It helps me get through the tough things...like still needing to face the stake president to get my temple recommend signed. :)

Reflection and preparation

The bishop called me in a couple of months ago to check on me, to give me a calling, and mostly to let me know that he was ready to give me a temple recommend. He got out his book, all ready to go, but I had to honestly let him know that I was a bit behind on the money I owe to the Lord, so he told me to come back when I was ready.

With the help of some Christmas money from my dad, I made an appointment this week with the bishop.

But since I met with him last, there has been general conference, and stake/regional conference, and I have had some doubt in my mind as to whether or not I will be able to truthfully answer the questions to get my recommend.

As I thought about it last Sunday morning, though, my heart swelled with excitement at the prospect of attending the temple. I had just written a check, and was ready to make an appointment upon seeing the bishop at church that day. I have had moments in the past when I thought I did not want to go to the temple again. A main focus there is eternal marriage, and why would I want to be reminded of that? But this time I did not fear my reaction to that subject. I have become a pretty strong person through everything, and I feel like I am ready to go back.

So now in preparation, I want to explore the questions that have been a problem in the past...

1. Do you sustain the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the prophet, seer, and revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?

2. Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

Here goes...

For the first question, I believe I do and always have sustained my leaders. "Sustain" to me means that I believe that leaders, both general and local, have been called by God Himself to those callings and that they have been set apart and given certain priesthood keys that they are entitled to with those callings. I do not believe that sustaining them means I have to always agree with every little thing they say, but I do believe that God will give them certain revelation on certain topics when the time is right. I know that every leader has people under their jurisdiction that they really connect with and touch, and others that they do not. It is the same for me as a teacher. Some of my students have a great experience with me as their teacher, while others do better to switch to a different class or are grateful when they do not have to endure my teaching any more. I think that is simply called life and personality, and that it is impossible for a person to please everyone regardless of how hard they try or how inspired they try to be. Sometimes personalities and personal ideas and opinions and interpretations get in the way of that. So even when a leader and a member do not always see eye-to-eye, that does not mean to me that the member automatically does not sustain them or does not believe they are called of God.

Does that make any sense?

I don't like the way the second question is worded, because I doubt anyone could answer it honestly. Aren't we all supposed to associate with our neighbors, be-friend them regardless of their religious affiliations or beliefs on values, morals, word of wisdom, etc? Don't most of us have jobs that require us to associate with people whose views may not be in harmony with our own? Just because we associate with them, does that automatically mean that we are going to agree with everything they say or choose to act as they do?

No! The idea is ridiculous.

I associate with many people who do not believe everything exactly as I believe it or exactly as the church teaches it. But that does not mean that I am an apostate for enjoying the time I spend with them, for cherishing the chance to serve them and to listen to and understand their points of view. Yes, a few of my thoughts and feelings do conflict with what the church teaches, so I guess I am in trouble for associating with myself. :) But like I've said before, I don't know all the reasons why I have felt like God wants me to feel the way I do about certain things. Either they really are true, and it's just not time for the Prophet to tell us yet, or I need to believe that they are true so that I can truly empathize with and therefore serve some of God's precious children.

If all people with temple recommends are required to be absolutely perfect all the time with regards to all of the questions, then I think there would be very few people that are actually worthy to have a recommend. I think we are just expected to do the best we can, and God will bless us for our efforts to improve and will tolerate or overlook our imperfections if we truly have a desire to attend and partake of the blessings of the temple.

That is all I have ever done or ever wanted. Truly it is. I hope my leaders can see what is in my heart this time and allow me the opportunity to return to the house of the Lord.

Wish me luck!

The Holy Ghost

I've never been very good at seeking answers to prayers. When I pray to make a specific decision, I usually don't feel a confirmation one way or the other, so I end up telling God that I'm going to do such and such and to let me know somehow if that is the wrong thing to do.

But I do (or I did) know what the holy ghost feels like. I have had some strong spiritual experiences where I have felt like the spirit was testifying something to me, and I was just sure of it.

Such was the case two years ago when I prayed to reconcile my personal gut feeling on gay marriage with what the church teaches. It took a while, but the answer finally came loud and clear. I'm not sure how to explain this, but I didn't get the answer as to whether gay marriage is really okay in the eyes of God, but I did feel that it was His will that I support it so that I could truly understand and empathize with the struggles of gay members of the church.

And so I've stuck to that answer and cannot deny that it is truly what my Heavenly Father wanted me to feel.

But some individuals do not believe it is possible for me to have received that revelation. They believe that I have mistaken the answer somehow and that it must be coming instead from the adversary. One of the talks in a recent stake conference was on personal revelation, and the speaker emphasized the idea from Elder Oaks's recent talk in general conference that personal revelation cannot contradict what the leaders of the church are saying.

Today in relief society the lesson was on the holy ghost. The question was asked by the teacher, how do you know when you are feeling the holy ghost? I do not even attempt to voice my opinion in relief society any more. But especially on this subject I must take a back seat. I thought I knew what the holy ghost felt like, but if revelation I've received on gay issues is from Satan rather than from God, then I must have absolutely no idea what the holy ghost feels like or how to receive personal revelation.

So why even bother trying anymore? That's what I think. Everything I've ever felt or believed with all my heart to be true could just be a lie.

But I don't think it is. I'm pretty darn sure that God lives, that Christ lives and died for me, and that the gospel of Jesus Christ as taught by the Mormons is true.

But I am also sure of the position I am to take with regards to gay issues, and that I have a responsibility that I need to continue to pursue with the gay community.

And that makes church attendance and faith in the teachings of my leaders as hard as ever. I still wonder what the future will bring. Will I leave the church eventually? Will I come back in full force and truly "see the light" and believe every word? Or will I continue to stay agonizingly in the middle, unable to deny any of the things that I believe that the holy ghost has told me are true. Things that many believe are in direct conflict with each other.

No idea. But it makes me blah, that's for sure.

Come Follow Me

I was just helping two of our children prepare for the Primary program at church tomorrow. One of them is going to sing a solo of the 5th verse of "Come Follow Me." I was at the piano, and trying to motivate him to sing through it as I played. I would say the words to a line and then have him sing it. The lyrics to this hymn are old and very complicated. Suddenly the words struck me like a brick. I turned from the piano and said, "Sam, do you know what these words mean?"  Here is what I said to him, more or less...

"We must the onward path pursue"


We have to keep going forward, doing what is right, no matter what.

"As wider fields expand to view,"


Especially now that our view of the world is wider, with our gay friends, and us wanting them to be happy and be able to get married.


"And follow him unceasingly,"


We have to just keep following Christ, no matter what.


"Whate'er our lot or sphere may be."


No matter what comes into our lives, whatever we have to deal with, whatever makes our individual world or "sphere", we must still follow Christ and try to be like him.


Do you see how much this applies to our lives right now? If you sing this with feeling tomorrow, like you really understand it and believe it, I will be bawling my eyes out, and that is a good thing.

I don't know if he really understood what I was saying, but he is a smart kid, and I think he does whether he admits it or not.

So a further message to all of my gay or straight friends out there: no matter what church you choose, even if you have to leave the LDS church because of pain and certain circumstances, please know that Christ lives, and I believe we must each continue to follow him and keep him at the center of our lives. I realize it is possible to do that without attending any church, but associating with some church that will help us remember how important it is to keep Christ in our lives makes it so much easier. At least that is what I think.

Just my two cents.

Take it or leave it

I had a seminary teacher that talked about the blacks receiving the Priesthood, and how it could not have happened sooner because of the culture of the time. It came when God knew it was time to come, time that the members of the church could accept it, and the outside world could deal with the Mormons accepting it. Imagine how much worse the persecution of the Saints in the early days of the church would have been if blacks had been treated as equals.

But I'm sure there were members that knew in their hearts that it would come, even though leaders of the church had said otherwise, some even indicating that it never would, that blacks were born inferior because of their lineage back to Cain and their behavior in the pre-existence.

I believe that the situation with gay rights is much the same, that God knows right now is not the time. Many members of the church are not ready for such acceptance, and other Christian churches would hate the Mormons even more. But I believe the time will come. It will probably still be a long while yet. The apostles must all be in agreement, and there are some apostles that will never be ready for this, so time (and some apostles) must pass first. But it will happen, and then there will be members on the other side of the issue that will find themselves struggling to follow the Prophet, just as many of us are struggling with this right now.

And because it will take time, there will be more suicides. There will be more disowned gay children. There will be more mixed orientation "eternal" marriages that end in divorce, bringing pain to both adults and any children involved.

But I have to have faith that everything will be made clear when God knows it is the right time.

And so I face the struggle with knowing what is right in my heart and still having faith in my testimony of the LDS faith and in a living prophet.

My daughter faces the same struggle as she says, "Why would God require marriage as part of the plan of salvation AND allow people to be gay?" As she and I discuss this and question it, she comes up with the same conclusion on her own: there has to be something that God has not yet revealed. There has to be!

And so we have faith that the gospel is true, but that everything will be made right.

The proclamation on the family has room for such revelation. It does not use the word "only". If it is inspired, and if God knows all things that are to come, don't you think "ONLY between a man and a woman" would be in there?

And so it is that many will say I am a heretic, that I am deceived. So it is that I cannot have a current temple recommend. But just like Joan of Arc, I cannot deny how I feel. I cannot deny that I believe the spirit has whispered this to me. And so I stand up with courage, refusing to deny my religious and political beliefs on gay rights. At least I don't face being literally burned at the stake for it, but I have definitely chosen chastisement over the freedom to live as a "Molly Mormon" any more.

When I said on Facebook, jokingly, to one of my high school acquaintances that quoted Elder Holland in an effort to help me realize I am deceived, and I stated that I believe the leaders of the church are deceived instead, that is really not quite how I feel. Rather than deceived, I believe that they have simply yet to receive further light and knowledge on this issue. But I believe it will come, and then we will all know how our precious gay and lesbian brothers and sisters fit into the plan of happiness.

Until then, I believe God smiles on those who try to deny their feelings and live the gospel, on those who stick with mixed orientation marriages for the sake of their beliefs and spouse and children. I believe he weeps when it becomes too hard, and one of them takes their own life, but forgives them and receives them into his arms. I believe he cries with spouse and children when marriages break, but smiles on the parents and rejoices in their efforts to remain friends and keep the family together as much as possible, and smiles when they find happiness with other partners. I believe he smiles on and shares in the joy of two men or two women finding and loving each other, committing themselves to serving and caring for each other, even without "marriage" if they must, even without the promise of eternal life, according to what they are taught.

I believe God looks on our individual circumstances and blesses our efforts to do the best we can with the situations we are in.

And these beliefs bring me peace and hope as I face rough times, and as I recognize and rejoice in the baby steps being made with regards to gay rights, like Judge Walker's ruling on Proposition 8 in California this past week.

Take it or leave it. None of you will convince me otherwise at this point. And if I am totally wrong, I believe God will forgive me, for in my heart I simply have the best of intentions as I try my best to follow the commandment to love others and to live the gospel the best I can with the circumstances I am in, and as I teach my children to do the same.

Belief

Scott and I were discussing the another couple and their decision to sell their business. He reminised about a discussion on their blog, where the husband mentioned that in the past, a decision like selling a business would be made after praying about it.  But, now that he does not really believe in prayer any more, how does he make this important decision? Scott commented on the post, saying that he could still go through the process similar to what he learned to do when praying about something--think about the decision and the pros and cons, and then go with what feels right.

While he was sharing this information, I couldn't help but wonder how people lose their testimony of prayer. I am not entirely happy with the Church's actions in the Prop 8 campaign, and it does make me question revelation and following church leaders a little bit, but I simply cannot question my testimony of God and Christ and prayer. I have had too many experiences with such things through my life to stop believing in them. Why don't Scott and others feel the same way?

A few days later, I read this article in the Deseret News and found it to be an interesting addition to this subject.  It has been so long since I cut and pasted it here, that I don't remember what my original impressions and thoughts were. (And now I need to go take care of the baby and will lose my train of thought again.) Maybe I will have time to read through it again later, or maybe I will just let all of you read it and hopefully share your own thoughts on this subject. Thanks!

PARK CITY — It may not be easy to be an LDS scientist, but it can be one of the most inspiring combinations, said Dr. Anne Osborn Poelman, a renowned neuroradiologist and member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

"We are fortunate indeed to have the gospel of Jesus Christ to give us a foundation from which we can be free to fly, investigate and ask, because as we know, all truth is circumscribed into one great whole and there is no difference between science and religion," she said Friday at the LDS Life Science Research Symposium, sponsored by BYU.

While some want to credit a specific "believing gene," Poelman said she favors the idea of spiritual instinct, or the light of Christ, which is given to everyone.

Yet despite a desire to believe, it's not always easy, she said, referencing the Bible story in Mark, where a father brings his ill son to the Savior and asks that he be healed, then tearfully pleads, "Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief."

"No matter how much we believe, how hard we believe, we still have that element of unbelief in us," she told the group of scientists.

Poelman shared a conversation that she and her husband, Emeritus General Authority Elder Ronald E. Poelman, had with a woman who was learning about the church. Eventually the woman told them, "It's wonderful what you believe. I wish that I could believe. Where's the bridge between doubt and belief, between hope and faith?"

The bridge is built step by step through our faith, Poelman said, referencing her days as a Stanford medical student being taught by LDS missionaries.

She said she prayed to know if the church was true and received a "big, cosmic zero" for an answer. But she realized she had asked the wrong question, and prayed again, this time informing the Lord she had decided to get baptized and that he should stop her if this was a mistake.

It was only after she made the leap that Poelman felt the Lord confirm her choice and her faith, she said.

There's no reason such faith cannot coexist with science, added students and professionals during a subsequent discussion.

Dixon Woodbury, a BYU professor of physiology and developmental biology, said he views the counsel to pray over his "flocks and herds" a bit differently as a scientist.

"I've come to understand there's nothing wrong, and it's actually appropriate for me to pray over my experiments, that I will have insight and wisdom in directing them appropriately and interpreting the results correctly," he said. "It's a little different, but still appropriate to ask for the Lord's help in that."

Poelman's sister, Dr. Lucy Osborn, talked about inspiration in her work as a pediatrician.

"It happens to you once, and you go, 'What a coincidence,' " she said. "It happens to you twice and you say, 'Isn't that odd.' It happens to you over and over and over again and you realize that we have a source of information that isn't something you are going to find in your textbooks, or in your laboratory or in the laboratory tests. It simply comes from the Lord, … and it happens when you're open to it and when you're willing to listen."

Yet sometimes, answers to questions may not come quickly or even in this lifetime, Poelman said.

"One of the great things in the gospel is to feel comfortable enough in our spiritual skins, to say 'I don't know,' " she said. "But I do know that the Lord is consummately fair and that in the end, as C.S. Lewis says, 'All things will be fair, and there will be wonderful surprises,' (and that is) enough for me."

It boils down to faith, said Phil Low, a renowned LDS biochemist at Purdue.

"When we were in the pre-existence, there was no opportunity to develop faith," he said. "As a consequence, this is our one and only opportunity to really take that step forward in the darkness and experience the joy that comes by seeing the promises, which we believed in faith might be fulfilled, actually come to pass."

"There isn't a bridge," Poelman concluded. "We do our homework, we pray, we use all the resources we have, at the end we simply trust and step into the dark time after time after time again. And do we do it because we inherited a believing gene? No, we do it because we have something even better, which is hope and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ."

Learning from my break

Not too long ago, I wrote a post about the repercussions of taking a month off from church. Those observations helped me realize that I really am ready to start going back, slowly of course.  I have been to sacrament meeting the last 2 weeks, and tomorrow I am helping in one of my son's primary classes. But I have decided that I really do not regret taking a break.  It was what I needed to do at the time, and I learned several things from the experience.

1. One of the main issues I was having before my "break" had to do with the fact that Scott did not go with us any more.  I was resentful of him and felt embarrased or awkward at church as a single parent. In the first couple of weeks of not going, however, I came to understand personally why Scott stopped going, and how it could be so easy to stop.  It was much easier for me than I expected it to be because of the pain and bitterness I was feeling. As I have gone back the last couple of weeks, the anger and resentment I was feeling for Scott for not going with us was gone and I knew it was what he had to do for himself.

2. I had hoped that not going to church would help save my marriage, since it would give Scott and I one more thing to help unify us. The first couple of weeks, it really seemed like it was helping, but when I realized that it really was not going to make any difference, I also realized that I was going to desperately need the support system that the members of the ward could give me through upcoming changes in my life.

3. I have been able to observe first hand what works and what doesn't when dealing with someone who is inactive, and hopefully I have learned and can remember how to be a more Christ-like and loving member of the church toward others in need; how to be a sincere friend instead of just "I'm your visiting teacher or home teacher or other leader and so here I am doing my duty with my stewardship."  That doesn't mean I think any of these people were insincere in their efforts to reach out to me.  I believe that they believe they were/are truly representing Christ and that they really do care about me.  But some of them came across differently than others, and I recognized times in my own life that I have tried to be sincere in my efforts to serve others, but unbeknown to me had really just been acting out of duty to my calling rather than with sincere love.

4.  I was hoping that by taking a break, that the wounds from some of the pain I was feeling would heal better with separation from the source and also with the passing of time.  I believe it really did work as I hoped, and although I still have some feelings of bitterness, I am renewed and more determined to continue working on forgiving certain individuals.


5. I learned that I really am capable of letting go, of setting pain aside for a while and letting it not rule and control my life. I was letting the goal of getting my temple recommend sit in the forefront of everything else, and so everything reminded me about it and made me more frustrated that I couldn't get it. But letting it go a bit (not completely, just enough so that it could be a goal in the back of my mind instead of controlling my every emotion) was so liberating.  I huge weight was lifted from my shoulders immediately.  I no longer resented the fact that my children were attending the temple without me; instead, I just rejoiced that they were able and willing to go. My recommend is now creeping forward in my mind again, probably because my father-in-law suggested that I should continue to pursue it, and I've noticed again this week since mentioning it to the bishop that letting it be so important to me does nothing but cause me pain and frustration and bitterness.  I need to find a happy medium between giving it up completely (and not really giving a damn any more about staying worthy of it), and letting the thought and goal and obsession of getting it back control my life. I can still work toward trying to figure out what I can do to be worthy of it in my leaders eyes, and most importantly stay worthy of it within my own heart, and then have faith that everything will work out, that when the time is right, I might enter those sacred walls once again.

6. I learned just how important the church really is to me, and how important I feel it is for my children.  The church as an organization is far from perfect because the people in it are not perfect, but the gospel is, and the ideas and values that the gospel teaches us about striving to be like our Savior and also about letting the atonement work in our individual lives is so important. I was raised with this attitude about the church, but now I think I understand it better, and I am hoping that as I return into activity I can remember and overlook the imperfections a bit in favor of the benefits.

Forget Regret

I had an epiphany moment today that I have to get out here...

Last week was bad. I was thinking about mistakes I've made and the resulting consequences, and the more I thought, the worse I felt. The worse I felt, the more likely I was to fall apart emotionally, yelling at family and friends, and then turning into a crying, mushy, mess because I was embarrassed for how I reacted and was convinced that I needed to be admitted to a mental institution or something. It was in this state that I hammered out my "retirement" blog post, because some of the mistakes were mentioned and continued here, and I felt like my blog was hazardous to my health and friendships.

Saturday night at our party, I seemed to be feeling a bit better, but it has all been up and down, so I am always afraid that one of my explosions is just around the corner.

With Sunday came further improvement. Sunday School was about adversity, and although I don't remember any specifics (I didn't take notes because I wasn't going to blog any more, right?), I think it was a good lesson. I was actually thumbing through the July Ensign (to seek inspiration for MoHo FHE on Saturday) and I read a sweet article about the atonement while I was listening to the lesson going on in the background. I had the impression that I needed to re-read a couple of books about the atonement, like The Peacegiver by James Ferrell and Believing Christ by Stephen Robinson.

Relief Society then confirmed that impression as the lesson was on Faith and the Atonement. I phased in and out actually listening to the lesson, but toward the end, the teacher began to get emotional and shared about being depressed during the past week, thinking about mistakes she has made in her life, and letting them make her feel worse and worse about herself. Wow, she could have been speaking for me at that moment. She mentioned how she felt that it was the work of the Adversary to make her focus on her mistakes, forgetting about the atonement and the importance of forgiving herself.

This week, both my mood and my productivity have continued to improve. Today I attended a seminar at Salt Lake Community College in preparation for the coming school year. During the "math" related part of the seminar, I thought a lot about things I do wrong as a teacher, and things I can do better. But I am tired, and it takes time and energy to change the way I teach, to try new things in an effort to improve students' learning, educational experience, and preparation for college. Yet, I was intrigued that maybe there are some things I could also change in the way I grade that could make work easier for me while also improving student motivation and responsibility. (It was like I had a "shoulder devil" vs. "angel" conversation going on in my head.)

At the end of the general session today, we had a guest speaker that focused on how important humor, laughter, and happiness are in the classroom. He read a quote that said we each have a moral obligation to those around us to be happy--and yet happiness is something I have always struggled with. As he cracked jokes, shared experiences, and talked about the importance and impact of teachers on the lives of many, many students, I had my epiphony:

"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss...No day but today."

Yes, it is a great line from a great song from Rent (which I have not seen). It invigorated me, make me feel empowered to leave my mistakes behind me as a teacher and try some new things, even if those things take energy and might even lead to more mistakes, but at least I would be trying to do better.

Thank you to this blog community, for your comments, your prayers, your emails, your chats, your phone calls, your hugs. For some reason, the adversary and his followers are working really hard on me. But you "angels" as well as unseen spirits that are looking out for me are many, and together we can win the battle.

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what's right
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal is just
To be
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today...

(Excerpts sung by Mimi in "Another Day" from Rent.)

Inspirational Testimony

Well, as long as this blog is no longer for me to vent my political convictions, I am going to use it to re-post my favorite blog posts from other people, so that those in my ward that read my blog can see what kinds of things have changed my heart forever.

I would like to start with a recent post from John. It was the highlight of my week last week, and brings me peace and comfort now as I think of it again. (I sent this to Scott's family as well and his step-mom thought it was awesome!)

Happy reading!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

A Gay Mormon's Testimony

This morning as I was getting ready for Church, I received a very specific prompting from the Spirit to bear my testimony in Church. It was very clear and distinct.

I thought, I can't do that... I'm not allowed to speak in Church. And the Spirit's response was, "Just ask your bishop." I immediately imagined the bishop saying no. But the Spirit said, "Just ask him."

So I got dressed, got ready, and left a bit earlier than I usually do. As I rode my bike, I was composing a speech in my head, how I was going to ask him. And the Spirit said, "Don't do that. Just ask him."

So I arrived at the Church just as Bishop B. was finishing a meeting with his counselors. I sat down outside his office to wait. Brother C. stepped out of his office, and I asked if I could see the bishop for just thirty seconds.

I said to Bishop B., "I understand if you have to say no, but I want to know if it is OK for me to bear my testimony today."

Without any hesitation, he said, "I don't know of any reason why you would not be allowed to do that."

So I went into the chapel and found a seat. Instead of sitting in the middle of the back row as I usually do, I found a seat closer to the front and on the side, and I sat right next to the aisle so I would be able to get up more easily. I was going to be able to bear my testimony! Just thinking about it, I was already starting to weep. I got choked up trying to sing the opening hymn. I wept during the opening prayer.

I knew I was going to bear my testimony, but what was I going to say? I started to organize words in my mind. But the words weren't coming. I don't know how many of you have experienced the "stupor of thought" described in D&C 9:9, but that's what I had. I was trying to think of what story I was going to tell. And then I felt the Spirit again, saying simply, "Don't think about what you're going to say. You'll have the words you need to say in the moment you need them." So instead of thinking about what I was going to say, I just started to pray. And then the thought came into my mind with crystal clarity. This is a testimony. Just tell them what you know.

When the moment came, I got up and walked toward the podium. The bishopric all smiled at me. They just had the sweetest, kindest expressions on their faces.

It took me a moment to speak, to get over the emotion that was overcoming me. I began by telling them that I had asked that my name be removed from the records of the Church in 1986, after almost committing suicide. I told them I was gay, and that I had a partner with whom I will be celebrating our seventeenth anniversary soon, and that I love him very much and he loves me. Then I told them about that moment in August 2005 in Salt Lake City when the Spirit spoke to me so powerfully and undeniably, and reminded me that I had a testimony of the Church, how it confused me and made me angry at first, and how I had wanted to deny it and wrestled with it for months, but how the Spirit kept speaking to me so that I could not deny it, and then I started coming to Church in October 2005. And then I told them about their kindness, and what they had done for me, how Bishop M. had helped me. And then I told them what I know about the Church, about Joseph Smith, about the Book of Mormon, and about Jesus Christ. And then I thanked them for their many individual kindnesses to me over the years. And then I was done.

Bro. P. got up and called me his best friend, and he started talking about my faith, and my love for my parents, and my love for the scriptures. Later Sis. B. got up and told how, when I sang a solo musical number for the ward, she had never forgotten how she could hear my love for the Savior in my singing. When Bishop B. concluded by bearing his testimony, he added kind words of his own, and nodded and smiled down at me from the podium.

After Sacrament meeting ended, a crowd of people gathered around me, one after another hugging me, encouraging me, and telling me how much they loved me. All people who, at one time or another, had reached out to me in little ways over the last three years. All I could do was thank them and weep.

The ceiling of the sanctuary didn't fall in. Nothing exploded. Not one person reacted negatively. The entire ward just responded almost unanimously with pure, unreflective love. They just instinctively reached out to me with kindness and understanding.

After I got home from Church, I called my parents and told them what had happened, and we all wept tears of gratitude together.

When I arrived at choir rehearsal later in the afternoon, one by one members of the ward choir shook hands with me, hugged me, wanted to thank me for bearing testimony. We chatted easily, intimately and comfortably. It was like this barrier that once disconnected me from most members of my ward had suddenly been lifted. Once I was sort of a mystery, but now they understood. And in their understanding, there wasn't a trace of condemnation.

One sister mentioned a lesbian daughter. Another sister told me about a former ward member who died of AIDS.

I know this doesn't solve all my problems. I know this doesn't change some of the fundamental challenges of my life. But it does make me understand that there's a place where I can go where people are rooting for me. And there is a kind of clarity now, that makes me feel like I can breathe so much easier. I am so incredibly blessed.

Later this afternoon, after the choir rehearsal, I met with one of my home teachers. He expressed surprise. He couldn't get over the fact that he had observed not the slightest trace of negativity or homophobia. He expected something, but he saw nothing but love. I realize that so many others have had such different experiences, so I don't take my blessing for granted. I certainly had a very different experience not too long ago in my parents' ward in Utah. But I truly also believe that the Spirit is at work in the Church. I feel so privileged to be a part of it.

Interviews and Spiritual Ramblings

The interviews for the documentary that Reed Cowan is producing (with Carol Lynn Pearson and Emily Pearson as consultants) were incredible! I was so touched as I listened to the story of the parents from St. George who interviewed before us. I felt a kinship with them, and as the wife went off camera, I ran up to embrace her. With tears running down our faces, though we had never met before, a spirit of incredible love for our Heavenly Father and all of his children, along with the hardship of reconciling the church we love with our feelings, instantly bonded us together.

Bother! I was crying, and it was my turn. I quickly slipped in the restroom, checked my hair and makeup in the mirror, glanced at my red eyes, and then shrugged at my appearance and went on to face the task before me.

It is all a bit of a blur. Reed asked me why I was there, why I wasn't bitter about finding out that Scott is gay, what kind of impact I think the church has on encouraging young men to marry, even though it often affects a wife and children when they come to terms with their gay feelings and/or realize that they won't change. I DO remember the incredible feeling I had as I answered each question and shared my story, wondering how the words that were flowing from my lips came so easily, and with passionate feeling but no embarrassing tears. What an incredible blessing!

The entire room was touched beyond belief when our 12-year-old daughter chose to go on camera even after Reed Cowan strongly cautioned her of the possible consequences. Eyes were full of tears as she confidently expressed how much Heavenly Father loves all of His children, even if they are gay.

Only one thing bothered me. It seemed that most or all of those who were there at the time we were had chosen to leave the church because of their experiences with gay loved ones and proposition 8. I wondered if our family could possibly be in line to follow that path.

After we got home from the interviews, I attended the baptism of a child in our ward with my 8-year-old son. It was easy to put a smile on my face from the events that morning, but I wasn't sure that I wanted to be at church at that moment. It seemed weird to be at a baptism where someone was becoming a new member of the church while thinking about what actually leads to someone choosing to leave the church.

The opening song was "I'm Trying to be Like Jesus" and as I sang, the words confirmed to me that I am doing just that, trying to love as He did, trying to love my neighbor and learning to serve my friends.

I found myself analyzing the simple talks given by youth (siblings of the baptismal candidate). One closed her talk by saying, "Being in the church is the best thing you can do." Hmmm, is it really? Maybe for some people. Were the parents that I met that morning not doing the best thing that they personally could do, even though they had chosen to leave the church that meant the world to them, that had been in their family for generations? I felt the spirit and the love in their words, and I think that God knows they are doing the best they can with loving their two gay children and the new husband of their son. They have not forsaken God or the gospel of Jesus Christ, just the church itself that acts as a corporation instead of as a true representative of Christ. (I'm kind of quoting their words here about the church, not exactly my own personal feelings.)

The other speaker quoted a scripture that says "the spirit cannot dwell in unholy temples" and then followed up with the comment that in order to have the Holy Ghost to be with us, we have to keep the commandments. I get the impression that some people believe keeping the commandments also includes following every word that the Prophet speaks. If that is the case, then by not agreeing with Prop 8, am I not considered by some to be an "unholy temple" and thereby not worthy of the Holy Ghost? Then why do I think I have felt the Holy Ghost more strongly this week than ever? I felt the spirit at the interview yesterday, and also earlier in the week while helping some friends to understand their own personal revelation from God and their choices to love and date someone of the same gender. I refuse to believe that these wonderful and peaceful feelings could be from the adversary.

After the closing prayer, another young woman in this family began to play postlude on the piano. The song she chose? "I'll walk with you." My heart lifted from the pensive and confusing thoughts I have expressed above and I began to audibly sing the words as she played. Everyone was standing up, getting ready to leave, and they looked at me and smiled as I sang. I was again filled with the sweet peace of knowing that I am following God's plan for me at this time.

Today church was awesome. Before the sacrament song even started, my heart started pounding and I knew that I had to bear my testimony. I got up immediately after the sacrament. I was calm and composed, and not at all tearful, which is really weird for me. I shared about what was in my last post, only more vague, about how things in my patriarchal blessing are coming to pass, about how I am feeling God's direction in my life stronger than ever before, about how I am blessed as I serve others and bring them closer to their Savior, how I am so grateful to have Scott in my life, how I am blessed with such wonderful children, especially our daughter, who has already developed such a strong testimony and has amazing courage and understanding for someone of her age.

Then Sunday School was about personal revelation. The lesson was taught by my good friend that reads my blog and she always does a great job! I actually commented a few times, based on my recent experiences, and it felt really good. Relief Society was about individual worth, specifically our worth as women and daughters of God, and it was really uplifting as well. I felt an incredible spirit as we sang the closing hymn I chose, "I am a child of God." I was uplifted as I looked at the face of each woman in the room: some were smiling, others crying, but undeniably everyone seemed to be as touched as I was.

I am grateful to have had such a spiritual and uplifting weekend, especially after a hard evening Friday night openly discussing things with Scott's parents. The Moho party was wonderful, and I met a few kindred spirits face-to-face for the first time, knowing them already so well from their blogs. We had all gay-friendly groups represented: a straight heterosexual couple, a few mixed orientation marriage couples (one straight wife without her spouse), a married gay couple, boys that are dating boys, boys that are single and celibate and church-going, children galore! And I'm pretty sure a good time was had by all. Thank your for bringing your smiles and laughter and love (and even tears, sometimes) into our home. We are so grateful for all of our friends, and wish more of you could be with us in person, although you are all with us in spirit and we think of each of you often.

Oh, one last thing, good news! My "favorite" teacher is not teaching the lesson next week ("Beware the bitter fruits of apostacy") because it is ward conference and a member of the stake relief society presidency is going to teach, so maybe I will attend it after all, although I am still a bit worried about the lesson. I was scanning it today and read this quote:

Joseph Smith taught the importance of sustaining our Church leaders: "That man who rises up to condemn others, finding fault with the Church, saying that they are out of the way, while he himself is righteous, ...that man is in the high road to apostasy."

Stay tuned next week for the results of that...