Yesterday I was casually chatting with my mom, when she told me they had a home teacher come for the first time in a few months. The man's teenage son is supposed to come with him, but apparently he is having problems with the son not wanting to go to church, etc. She was going on about how it is hard to know what to do about something like that, every child should come with an instruction manual, etc.
In one phrase, I changed the casual conversation to a not so casual one. I said, "I have the opposite problem: teenagers that want to go to church and parents that don't want to go with them." My mom is great, not judgemental, trying to sympathize and understand and keep the conversation light, but by the end, I know that I left her with a large amount of stress in her mind regarding something she really can do nothing about.
But today I went to church anyway. Daughter singing in Sacrament meeting with the Young Women. Son passing the Sacrament. Both of them substituting in Primary while we had a 5th Sunday every-adult-in-the-ward meeting during Relief Society and Priesthood.
I felt horrible--headache, really tired (but the party was worth it :), and had another panic attack during Sacrament meeting, so I took it easy, sat in the foyer to listen to the bishop's lesson. I was sitting by the stake offices and heard a discussion about girl scout cookies, so I stepped in to see if anyone needed to order any, and the stake president said from his office across the hall, "Put me down for this and this, please." Then he said, "Sarah, come in here for a minute." The conversation did not go well. He has been waiting for a month and a half for me to respond to questions in an email he sent me, questions that I didn't really feel like needed answered. And of course he said it all with an "I love you, but...". I don't need that kind of love, the kind that comes with a condition and lots of advice on how I need to live my life. I rolled my eyes and left. I texted Scott through the rest of the lesson, then sobbed all the way home.
For my own mental health, I have to be done. Sorry Mom, sorry kids. I have to take care of myself first, and continuing to go is not helping anyone.
5 weeks ago