Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Conference Scarf

While I watched conference, I knitted myself a new scarf. I tried a new pattern that I found online, and incidentally, the stitch I used is called the "faggot stitch" and it involves knitting 1 stitch, yarn over, knit 2 together across each row and every row, making the pattern reversible (so it looks the same on both sides). There, a new knitting pattern for you if you know how to knit. If you don't know how to knit, I am a very good teacher! Come on over.

Anyway, knitting is a fairly brainless activity and can usually be done without even looking, thus enabling the knitter to easily watch or pay attention to something else, with the added benefit of keeping the knitter awake while watching something else. :) I highly recommend it.

Scott and I had the privilege of watching conference with Scott's parents at the family condo this weekend, as I mentioned in my last post. There were many talks that I found to be very touching and I thought memorable. But now that conference is over, I am having a hard time remembering specific people and topics and quotes that I enjoyed.

Some of the "themes" of the conference, or at the least the ones I remember, were personal revelation, staying strong in the church, and setting a good example for our children (and avoiding hypocrisy). I guess maybe these were all things that I felt pertained to me in some way, and I want to re-read or re-listen to many of them so that I can remember things that might help me to be a better person, wife, and mother, with a more God-centered life.

I remember that I really liked all of the talks from the first presidency. For some reason, President Monson's stuck in my mind the best, with the stories of service that he received for his birthday. It gave me the chance to reflect on service both given and recieved by our family in this past year. I will honestly have to go look up Elder Eyrings and Elder Uchdorf's talks, because I don't remember them other than the fact I loved them.

The most memorable talk for me was Elder Holland, as usual. What an incredible man with such passion for the Book of Mormon and the gospel. Being reminded of just how strong my testimony is regarding the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith makes it that much harder for the part of me that just wants to give up on the church and end the struggle.

So the struggle continues. The struggle that includes a testimony so strong that I can't leave, but with the agony of my temple recommend just out of reach. The struggle that includes wanting my children to keep going to church and learning about the gospel, getting the priesthood, attending the temple to do baptisms, singing the songs and giving talks and prayers while at the same time, I don't always want to go myself, for fear that I will have to talk to someone that I don't want to talk to, or listen to a lesson that makes me miserable.

And so, even though I remember feeling uplifted during many of the conference talks, at the conclusion of the conference and as I continue to reflect on it, I am left with a feeling of sadness, with a feeling that this struggle will never end and that my life will constantly feel like a battle ground between the two things that are trying to coexist within my heart without success.

Is it possible that these conflicts will ever be knit in unity within my heart?

Meanwhile, what did you do during conference? If you stayed awake and listened as I did, which talks affected you the most? What common themes between talks stuck out in your mind?

Oh, and please try to keep your comments positive. My heart needs a lift today!


Kelly said...

I was impressed by the session that opened with a prayer that we would all find a message that would help us personally. I found that several of the messages did just that. I took notes to stay awake but found I still missed a bunch and need to review. I love that the talks will be on the internet soon but if you want to see them again, check out this link.

Anonymous said...

I crocheted an edge around a baby blanket for my niece who is almost 1. I started it around fall conference last year. I was icing my achilles injury so it kept me down for most of the day. I watched Sat. am in between sundays sessions and loved Elder Scott's talk. I prayed before I watched to be able to keep the negativity and ugliness out of my heart for the day. It worked. (yipee!)