For months, Scott has said that he feels nothing at church. I have still felt the spirit now and then. Today I felt nothing. I tried to pray during the sacrament to feel the spirit. I prayed during testimony meeting when I felt nothing to feel something. I enjoyed listening to Scott's ordination blessing as he ordained our oldest son to the office of a deacon. Normally something like that would have brought chills up and down my spine and tears swelling in my eyes. It was nice and all, but I felt nothing. During Relief Society, the lesson was on Eternal Families. During the part on marriage, I became uncomfortable and annoyed (not that anything specific was being said or emphasized, just that the temple sealing of one man and one woman is required for exaltation). Instead of letting myself get annoyed, I tuned it out. Then, toward the end of the lesson the topic turned to family, children honoring parents, etc. The words of the lesson were sweet, and I love my family so much, but I felt nothing.
Scott says he is ready to move on. He is stuck. Stuck between feeling nothing and pretending to be a faithful, church-going member of the church. He says he has decided that he needs to move on, and that probably means leaving the church behind. I am jealous. I want to be at that point for my own peace, but I cannot do it. Maybe if Scott moves on, I will be able to as well. But I worry about what this will mean to our children, to our posterity and generations to come. Instead of worried, maybe I should just be happy that I can give them a gift. A gift of leaving the LDS culture behind along with all of the guilt and pain and agony that I am currently facing.
My patriarchal blessing says I will find joy in living, for happiness comes from within. Everyone says true happiness cannot be found outside of the church. I have always been in the church and have rarely been happy. Maybe it is time to experiment with the alternative. This is the hardest decision ever. For now I will continue to take it one week at a time, following the spirit as I make a choice each Sunday. That is all I can do until Heavenly Father tells me otherwise.
4 weeks ago