I am an overly sensitive person. I always have been. Even before Scott came out to me about 9 months ago, I was overly sensitive. I have always had a hard time at school when I have been criticized by a parent or or fellow-employee or administrator. I have always had a hard time at church when someone tells me that I have done something wrong. This was especially true when I served as primary president. I still have deep scars from things that happened between me and the bishop and me and one of my counselors at that time.
It is one of my weaknesses, my struggles, that I do not take criticism of any kind very well, even when it is presented with the best of intentions.
I also consider that my sensitivity is one of my strengths. It allows me to be overly compassionate and caring of my children, my students, my friends and family.
It is part of who I am, just like gayness is a part of who Scott is, and it therefore has a good and a bad side to it.
I have been damaged. Events at school 2 weeks ago were devastating to me, as one of my Young Women leaders from my past betrayed me and hurt me to my core. I am not saying that I am not to blame, just that I am damaged from the event.
I am damaged from neighbors that no longer call on my husband for computer help or priesthood blessings. They are still friendly and kind, and act like nothing has changed, when in fact it has, and it hurts.
I am damaged by a sister in my ward that is convinced I am on the road to apostasy (and I guess maybe I am) because of my views on Proposition 8, and she has taken it upon herself to call me to repentance in front of the entire Relief Society.
With each blow, I seem to become weaker instead of stronger. Even the tiniest and most benign and kind criticisms put me over the edge and into despair. I am more cynical, more critical, and I have less desire to do what I have always been taught and know that I need to do with regards to church attendance.
My blog has been my therapy, and loving comments from many new friends have been my salvation. But it is not all that anymore, and something must change.
Maybe I need to pay for some real therapy.
Maybe I need to up my dose of Zoloft.
Maybe I need to start a new blog and make it by invitation only.
For now, I am going to disable comments on my blog. If you have anything positive you would like to say, please email me personally. Otherwise, send your constructive criticism to Scott to screen for me while I heal.
It may seem that I am acting childish with this, but I need to do this now before I am even more uncomfortable at church, knowing that more and more of those around me are reading my blog. I want to let the ward members that do read my blog know that I am not mad at them, that I do not blame them. They have not hurt me; it is me that has allowed myself to be hurt. Just know that I need your prayers and your sincere acceptance more than anything right now.
4 weeks ago