Funk

I feel like I should blog; in fact, I have a couple of blog posts rattling around in my head that I need to write just to process them, but I seem to be in a funk of sorts.

These are the things I have not been doing very well or at all the past month:

• Cleaning the clutter in my room, off my desk, etc.
• Laundry (especially folding and putting away)
• Mending
• Updating finances
• Blogging
• Reading blogs
• Reaching out to friends by email that I have not heard from in a while.
• Yardwork: checking on the garden and picking produce, weeding, keeping the dead flowers trimmed back, watering the flowers on the porch, mowing the lawn.
• Planning and making dinner.
• Getting enough sleep.
• Excercising.
  
• Desiring intimacy. I want to want it, but I don't. Does that make sense? And Scott doesn't usually instigate anything, which is normal for us.
  

A quick side story to this last item to show how I am feeling and reacting lately: One day we went swimming as a family, and on the way home I told Scott we should take a shower when we got home. I looked at him with a sparkle in my eye, and he made some kind of comment indicating that he didn't have time or wasn't interested. When we got home, he got in the shower, and I got on my computer to check my email and ended up chatting with someone. Then I went in to take a shower and Scott told me he had taken an extra long shower, waiting for me to join him. But by this time, he was done and dressed. I fell apart. I sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed uncontrollably that I had missed my chance.

Anyway, on with my lists:

Here are things I like to do in the summer that I have not done at all:

• Reading novels.
• Updating family blog and scrapbooks.
• Sewing, knitting and other crafts.
• Taking the kids to the library.
• Hiking. (I cherish memories of hiking every year of my life growing up to the lakes near Brighton, like Catherine, Mary, Twin Lakes, etc.--I feel bad that my children will not have those same memories!)
• Going to the temple/taking my daughter to do baptisms at the temple.

Ok, I guess we have gone on a family road trip to the Black Hills (which was interesting, but nothing like a vacation.) And we have gone swimming a few times, and to the zoo a couple of times, and we went to the temple open house, and to Harry Potter the day it came out.

So I guess I haven't done nothing....

Here is mostly what I do all day:

• Playing Animal Crossing and/or watching my kids play Animal Crossing or other video games.
• Yelling at my kids to do their chores when I am not doing my own.
• Helping my children only when necessary.
• Shopping when necessary.
• Sitting around feeling blah and thinking about all of the things I should be doing, and about the fact that school starts again in less than a month.
• Crying.
  

Okay, so why am I in this funk?

• Every summer I spend some time being lazy out of necessity to recover from a busy school year. Last summer I spent time processing Scott's gayness. I guess there is still some of that to do, and will be for a long time, if not for the rest of my life.
• The accident involving Scott's nephew 4 weeks ago was really hard on me and threw me into some rough emotional spouts that I have not yet recovered from, even though he is doing just fine.
• Church stress, specifically with regards to the bishop's attitude.
  
• The good moho friend that we lost and I blame myself for. (Yesterday I overheard my 11 year old saying to the other kids, "We can never watch Wall-E or Hello Dolly again because that will remind us of [insert name] and we will probably never see him again.")

Blah. I hate being depressed and emotional. I asked our doctor yesterday about a referral for a therapist. I now need to fill out a packet and make an appointment. The tricky part will be getting myself to actually do it.

Meanwhile, Scott and/or Hidden: are we ever going to motivate each other to exercise? And Scott, is there anything you can do to help me with getting enough sleep? I am rather hopeless at the moment...