Tuesday, July 28, 2009


I feel like I should blog; in fact, I have a couple of blog posts rattling around in my head that I need to write just to process them, but I seem to be in a funk of sorts.

These are the things I have not been doing very well or at all the past month:

  • Cleaning the clutter in my room, off my desk, etc.
  • Laundry (especially folding and putting away)
  • Mending
  • Updating finances
  • Blogging
  • Reading blogs
  • Reaching out to friends by email that I have not heard from in a while.
  • Yardwork: checking on the garden and picking produce, weeding, keeping the dead flowers trimmed back, watering the flowers on the porch, mowing the lawn.
  • Planning and making dinner.
  • Getting enough sleep.
  • Excercising.
  • Desiring intimacy. I want to want it, but I don't. Does that make sense? And Scott doesn't usually instigate anything, which is normal for us.
A quick side story to this last item to show how I am feeling and reacting lately: One day we went swimming as a family, and on the way home I told Scott we should take a shower when we got home. I looked at him with a sparkle in my eye, and he made some kind of comment indicating that he didn't have time or wasn't interested. When we got home, he got in the shower, and I got on my computer to check my email and ended up chatting with someone. Then I went in to take a shower and Scott told me he had taken an extra long shower, waiting for me to join him. But by this time, he was done and dressed. I fell apart. I sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed uncontrollably that I had missed my chance.

Anyway, on with my lists:

Here are things I like to do in the summer that I have not done at all:
  • Reading novels.
  • Updating family blog and scrapbooks.
  • Sewing, knitting and other crafts.
  • Taking the kids to the library.
  • Hiking. (I cherish memories of hiking every year of my life growing up to the lakes near Brighton, like Catherine, Mary, Twin Lakes, etc.--I feel bad that my children will not have those same memories!)
  • Going to the temple/taking my daughter to do baptisms at the temple.
Ok, I guess we have gone on a family road trip to the Black Hills (which was interesting, but nothing like a vacation.) And we have gone swimming a few times, and to the zoo a couple of times, and we went to the temple open house, and to Harry Potter the day it came out.

So I guess I haven't done nothing....

Here is mostly what I do all day:
  • Playing Animal Crossing and/or watching my kids play Animal Crossing or other video games.
  • Yelling at my kids to do their chores when I am not doing my own.
  • Helping my children only when necessary.
  • Shopping when necessary.
  • Sitting around feeling blah and thinking about all of the things I should be doing, and about the fact that school starts again in less than a month.
  • Crying.
Okay, so why am I in this funk?
  • Every summer I spend some time being lazy out of necessity to recover from a busy school year. Last summer I spent time processing Scott's gayness. I guess there is still some of that to do, and will be for a long time, if not for the rest of my life.
  • The accident involving Scott's nephew 4 weeks ago was really hard on me and threw me into some rough emotional spouts that I have not yet recovered from, even though he is doing just fine.
  • Church stress, specifically with regards to the bishop's attitude.
  • The good moho friend that we lost and I blame myself for. (Yesterday I overheard my 11 year old saying to the other kids, "We can never watch Wall-E or Hello Dolly again because that will remind us of [insert name] and we will probably never see him again.")
Blah. I hate being depressed and emotional. I asked our doctor yesterday about a referral for a therapist. I now need to fill out a packet and make an appointment. The tricky part will be getting myself to actually do it.

Meanwhile, Scott and/or Hidden: are we ever going to motivate each other to exercise? And Scott, is there anything you can do to help me with getting enough sleep? I am rather hopeless at the moment...


Ezra said...

I'm completely unsure of what to say. I love you and hope things get better. Try not to be too hard on yourself, you're one woman, and you've got a lot on your plate. Simplify and relax. You're doing just fine.

But then again, when people tell me that I get pissed, so maybe I should have just left this alone. Haha.

Bran said...

Men! We need to be sure to tell you what it is that we want sometimes eh? I used to get upset when my wife was facebooking instead of playing with me... but then I remembered that I need to tell her that I want her to come play. Where do we get off just thinking that you'll read our minds and just come jump in the shower!?

Good luck with everything

The Wife said...

Here's my trick to make myself feel like I'm actually getting stuff done. I make a to-do list with really simple things I can check off: wake up, say prayers, eat breakfast, take a shower, get dressed, etc. It feels so good to check things off my list! And then once I'm feeling good about myself and getting stuff done, I move on to the bigger and more important things. Kinda silly, but it works like a charm!

Tommy said...

The times when you least feel like blogging are probably the times when you need to blog the most... :P

Pieces of Me said...


I understand your "blahs" more than you know. You just want to lay on the couch with a blanket over your body and head, or at least that is how I feel frequently. Secretely hoping that when I remove the blanket the picture will have changed. Not working for me yet.....Its hard that all I can say.

I would love to hear more about what is going in with your bishop. Send me an email with your telephone number and perhaps we can talk and have misery enjoy a little company!

Scott said...

LOL... I read this post yesterday, but when I saw it today in my feed-reader I mis-read the title... I thought "Funk" was "Fu*k" (which may also be an appropriate title, based on how you've felt on and off the last few days...) :)

In my defense re: the shower story... I was working from home that day and had taken a couple hours off to go swimming with the family, but I had a large project that I had to get finished before our vacation, and I was anxious to get back to it. So on the way home the conversation was actually something like:

Sarah: "Do you want to shower together?"

Scott: [assuming she meant something more than just "get clean"] "I've got a lot to do... I'm not sure I've got time."

Sarah: "Oh, well I didn't necessarily mean it that way..."

... and then the conversation went on to other things. So later, in the shower, I expected that she would be coming in for her shower shortly, and decided I might be interested in waiting for her, but she had apparently gotten busy with other things... and you already know the rest of the story from her post.

Anyway... the main point is that I wasn't expecting her to read my mind... I had just sort of changed my mind and then never really got the chance to let her know that I had done so.

(And why on earth are we telling the entire world about our intention to shower together, anyway?) ;)

As for the main subject of the post...

Personally, I think the biggest problem is one of expectations. You have certain things you expect yourself to do, and so you get down on yourself when you don't do them.

Some of them aren't even necessary things... There's certainly nothing that says you have to go hiking, or that you have to take the kids hiking. Yes, you treasure those memories from your childhood, but the kids are going to have their own treasured memories, and their memories don't need to include hikes to Lake Catherine just because yours do. And yes, you enjoy those hikes, but there are other things you enjoy as well, and if you've put hiking on the "have to do" list then you're not really doing it because you want to anymore, are you?

The same could be said for many of the other things (crafts, reading, library). They're not things that have to be done, and there's no reason to expect yourself to do them, or to get after yourself for not doing them. In fact, they're all leisure activities, which you're supposed to do for fun, and I'm not sure they should be on the "list of things I HAVE to get done this summer".

As for the rest... Enjoy Animal Crossing (but don't let it take over your life), and be firm with the kids on their chores, but don't let them get to you otherwise (easier said than done, I know), and enjoy your summer. You work very hard for nine+ months of the year, and you deserve a bit of relax time.

Love you! :)

Bran said...

No worries Scott... I wasn't dissing you by any means...
Just thought it was funny!
Good day to you! Maybe see you on Saturday!

Sarah said...

Pieces, lying on the couch all day is exactly what I want to do. I will be in contact...

Scott, I can't imagine why you think I would have used THAT word. ;)

And the list of things that I said I want to do this summer did not say that I HAVE to do them. I'm not sure where you got that idea.

Thanks for your continual support!

Bran, I hope we do get to see you on Saturday!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time with all of this. I do not think you are a bitch.

It seems to me, from my outside perspective, that you truly care about Dallin, that you want him in your life, you have reached out to his family members (from what I can gather from your posts and his?) and that you truly love and care about him, wanting him to be a part of your lives.

I do not know anything about e-mails that have been shared between the two of you or innuendo that he is talking about.

I just think that when someone is hurting emotionally, as you seem to be right now, that you HAVE to talk about it and with people who know and love you and who understand the situation.

Is there any chance of you and Dallin sitting down to clear the air? Or has the relationship irretrieveably broken apart and there is no chance of talking?

That is the toughest- when one person in the relationship wants to try and right things and the other does not or will not accept the other doing that. It is VERY painful and hurtful.

I know because I am currenly going through the same thing. At first, I was more angry and mad, than anything. I wanted to retaliate and take revenge and do anything and everything I could to "get back" at the person.

But, I realized I truly love this person, and whether or not they will give me another chance, I want to have good feelings about them. I want to remember the help, caring, support, and love they have given me.

I have tried apologizing to this person. I have made many dramatic changes to show them I want them back in my life and what I can do to make the relationship better. Now, ultimately, the choice is up to them.

I know there is a huge possibility they will say there is no going back and it's best for us both to move on. It may hurt, but I can even accept that because I know I have done everything I can to right the wrongs.

Heavenly Father has helped me replace all of the anger and betrayal with feelings of real and true love for this person. Every time hurtful feelings come to the surface about this person, I decided (and continue to do so even now) that I would pray for them, and for me, that hearts could be softened, that we could get over our issues of anger and annoyance, and that we would both be blessed in our lives. That was the smartest thing I could have ever done.

Heavenly Father has taken the sting and the pain away and has helped me move to a place of love for this person, even if they no longer want anything to do with me.

Truth be told, they are a part of my soul, and I carry them with me forever, whether or not they will allow me to be in their life again.

And, the thing is, this person of whom I speak made giant mistakes in our relationship, too. And, I could easily sit back, in my pride, and wait for THEM to make the correc move of righting things with me. But, I have not. It doesn't matter who makes the move. Someone has to step up and do the right thing.

Character is revealed by action. If they reject my efforts, their character has been revealed and I am better off moving forward without them. My character has been revealed in that I tried taking the high road of softness and love. Time will tell what the results will me.

Stay well. Jordan

Anonymous said...

Time will tell what the results will BE. Sorry about the spelling error. Jordan

Sarah said...

Thanks, Jordan, for sharing your personal experience. Praying is one thing I have tried doing as much as possible, but it is hard. I will continue to try to use that means of healing.

And I would be willing to sit down and talk to Dallin. The last communication I had with him was an apology by email, explaining that I didn't realize which little brother I had messaged, and that if I had been paying attention, I definitely would not have contacted the younger one.

I didn't hear back from him, and he unfriended me on facebook and blocked me on google chat. I assume at this point that he just wants to avoid and stay away and would not be open to a sit-down, talk about and work everything out. Besides, like he says, he is too busy. That is what started all of this in the first place. He wouldn't take a minute to come talk to us even before there was a problem, because he didn't have any time to do so. Therefore, I am assuming he still wouldn't have time to meet and talk things out. I will have to find a way of getting closure on my own, and I guess not mentioning it here ever again so that he does not respond and fuel the pain is the first step.

Anonymous said...

Good luck with this situation.

And, yes, praying is hard, but it really does make a difference and will help you. I promise it will. I had another situation years ago likes yours now. It literally took months of praying before the pain dissipated. I would pray for me and for the person, finish my prayer, and think, "Still angry". But, eventually the peace did and DOES come. Hang in there. It will get better, I promise.

Stay well.

Anonymous said...

I stumbled here today and thought I'd share something. Last winter I had a bout where for weeks, I was so listless I'd just sit on the couch, watching my daughter play and not be able to do anything with her. I wanted to, but something stopped me and I hated myself for it, sitting there, wasting time and feeling guilty about all the things I could be doing but for some reason, couldn't. My husband finally got me to see a psychiatrist. In my first session I told him "I'm not a lazy person usually, I don't know why I am now!" to which he responded - "Do you ENJOY sitting on the couch all day?" "Of course not, I'm so miserable about it!" I said. "Well," said he, "that's not lazy, that's depression. A lazy person would enjoy all that time, but this is a classic case of depression." Now, I've been in therapy for depression on and off for years, I'd never heard it explained this way and it really helped me.

I know your struggles are nowhere near the ones I face, but struggles are struggles and affect our bodies nevertheless. I'd suggest the therapy and even medication to get your body back to a place where it feels healthy. The amount of stress this whole experience has taken on your body leaves marks not only mentally but physically we don't see sometimes, and you can't heal the mental without treating the physical too. It's not for everyone, but I know it has been a blessing in my life to get some healing for my body so my mind can get back to concentrating on other things.

Hope this view helps somehow - God bless :)