I wonder...

In Scott's latest post, he lists many things that could help contribute to a successful mixed orientation marriage. At one point he discusses religion, and how if a man believes that his religion is correct in their teaching that homosexual relations are a sin, then that might give him motivation to endure and stick with a mixed-orientation marriage, for his eternal salvation if nothing else.

But if somehow his belief changes and he comes to the conclusion that it is not a sin, that God will love him just as much if he follows his heart and finds true love for himself, then enduring the MOM is not possible any more.

I know that he was studying this subject and praying about it fervently even before we had any run-ins with our church leaders, from the time he began to come to terms with everything 2 or so years ago. So I guess that answers the question I was going to pose here...

If our former bishop and stake president had been more accepting and loving and less judgmental, then would Scott have been more likely to stay in the church and in the MOM? Or did our leaders just expedite the process that was going to happen anyway? So then, did God allow our leaders to act this way so that the process would go faster? And, where does God think a new baby fits into all of this?

I am mostly just curious as I am trying to have faith. I was listening to some LDS music today to help calm my emotions, and a song I have mentioned before from the Women at the Well album came on my iPhone. The song speaks of how Jesus came too late to keep Lazarus from dying, and how sad his sisters were, and frustrated that the Lord was not there in time. But then instead, He raises Lazarus from the dead, and it has a much larger impact than it would have had He been there to prevent his death in the first place.

I am not patient enough to wait and find out why, why, why!

When Scott first stopped going to church, and I was talking to our friend (and former, former bishop) that is in the stake presidency about it, he said he felt like Scott would eventually come back, although he didn't know how many months or years that might take. I have clung to that as inspiration from a loving friend and leader. But I am not sure I have hope and faith in it anymore. It is almost easier to assume that he won't, and to let it go, than to cling to a hope that might never come, that keeps me in denial, hoping that my marriage will last, when it is becoming obvious that it won't.

I took the kids and stayed for Sacrament meeting yesterday.

Not sure what I will do next.

But I know I need the support of the church and the gospel in my life. I think the new bishop can play a major part in this healing process. If it were still the old bishop, I wouldn't even try. But he and his wife are now on a service mission, so chances of even running into him at church for a while is slim. And in the meantime, I need to find a way to forgive the Stake President and a certain sister that teaches Relief Society.  I know I told the Stake President that I am done, and so I am sure he never made the phone calls that he said were essential to approving my recommend. Wouldn't it be nice if he would feel inspired to follow up on those phone calls, and would email me and apologize and let me know that he was willing to approve me for a temple recommend even though I support gay marriage, and blog about that support?

But that might be too much to hope for.

So in time, when I am ready, I will go to the bishop and see what I need to do to get a recommend. And maybe, just maybe, he can be my advocate with the stake president. He or my father-in-law.  Something will work out. At least I have that much hope.