Pioneers

I couple of weeks ago I was reading an article about recent law-making in NY, and was surprised to notice that the new law making gay marriage legal takes affect on July 24, which happens to be a big day here in Utah because it is the day that we celebrate the main group of Mormon pioneers arriving in the salt lake valley in the year 1847.

I found the date rather ironic. The LDS church began in the state of New York when a 14-year-old boy from Palmyra by the name of Joseph Smith prayed to know which church he should join. There are obviously significant Mormon pioneers who came from New York.

Now New York is producing new pioneers that are not afraid to stand up for freedom, lawmakers that are leading the way, along with a few other states, in the gay marriage battle. Pioneer day this year gives us a whole new reason to celebrate pioneers of freedom, of the battles and pressures they face, their strength and determination to stand up for what they know is right!

This past Sunday in my church meetings, the high council speaker in Sacrament meeting described the first Pioneer day celebration, which I summarize:

The pioneers celebrated first in 1849. The theme of the celebration was patriotism. So even as the saints were pushed away by a governor, and denied help from the president, with soldiers marching their direction, they celebrated patriotism and loyalty to their country. They raised a huge flag on a tall pole and celebrated their freedom.

The description of the event reminded me of the gay pride celebration here in SLC, the same city that celebrates pioneer day every year. In early June each year, thousands of people come to celebrate who they are, celebrate the authenticity of their loved ones, even in the midst of the religious headquarters of a church that seeks to thwart and deny their freedoms, (a church who ironically knows first hand about fighting for freedom.) And yet they celebrate, undaunted by the protestors, and every year the numbers increase and those who attend and participate are overcome by the feelings of unity and community and hope and pride by a very diverse group of people.

Pioneer day this year gives me many more reasons to celebrate the pioneers amongst us, and I look forward to celebrating it with Scott and the kids. :)

Charity

The lesson in Relief Society last week was on charity. We have a new teacher who is  down to earth and sincere, and I really enjoyed her presentation of the lesson.

When she began the lesson, I opened it up on my cell phone, skimmed it through, and then set my phone down to listen. As I listened, the words I skimmed from the last portion of the written lesson stayed clear in my mind, and I felt like I might want to comment when we began discussing that portion. I don't tend to comment in relief society any more because when I feel like I have something worth saying, it usually contradicts what I assume is the majority view in the room.

The first paragraph of the lesson is a summary, and it says:

"The life of the Savior reflects His pure love for all people. He even gave His life for us. Charity is that pure love which our Savior Jesus Christ has. He has commanded us to love one another as He loves us. The scriptures tell us that charity comes from a pure heart (see 1 Timothy 1:5). We have pure love when, from the heart, we show genuine concern and compassion for all our brothers and sisters."

The last part of the lesson talks about loving all people, even if we don't approve of something about them.

"Even when we give to those in need, unless we feel compassion for them we do not have charity (see 1 John 3:16-17). The Apostle Paul taught that when we have charity we are filled with good feelings for all people. We are patient and kind. We are not boastful or proud, selfish or rude. When we have charity we do not remember or rejoice in the evil others have done..."

"The Savior was our example of how to feel toward and treat others. He despised wickedness, but He loved sinners in spite of their sins..."

Toward the end of the lesson, after another sweet sister expressed that charity includes not judging others for any reason, I felt like I should comment, and I raised my hand. I started by saying I hoped I could express myself appropriately, but that experiences in my life with my friends over the last couple of years had taught me that there is really no such thing as "love the sinner, but hate the sin." In order to truly love someone, we need to overlook the things we don't approve of. That doesn't mean we need to embrace those things ourselves, but it is usually best not to lecture people about what we believe they are doing wrong. In most cases they already know how we feel. I became slightly emotional as I mentioned that if I had not learned to embrace this attitude, that the current state of my family and daily life for my children would be much more difficult.

The teacher thanked me for my comment and moved on. I'm sure there are people who do not agree with me, that would rather follow the advice from church leaders that we have a responsibility to call our brothers and sisters to repentance. That is apparently how we truly show our love for them. But I have to disagree, and I hope my comment helped others to think about the gray area of showing true charity.

Rising above intolerance

The name of the club I supervise is RAIN--rising against intolerance now.

So, I have a question...

How do we do that? The students in the club as well as any of us?

The question came up in my mind as I sat in Sunday School, sort of listening to the topic of Christ's miracles going on in the background....

Meanwhile....err...um...me catching up on Facebook. I found this on the wall of a gay friend. He was very angry. He quoted a comment to a Deseret News article about legislation going on at the state capital. It shows an ignorant attitude of intolerance, and is very disturbing.

"Whether by choice or biology, gays have opted out of the child-rearing game. Gay adoption makes no sense.

"True love is defined by God as heterosexuality. May his mercy and love shine like a rainbow on those struggling with sexual perversion (i.e. addiction). Homosexuality is defined by sex. Heterosexuality is defined by God."

Horrible misunderstanding. My friend has every right to be angry, but does it do any good? Does it do more harm than good to post about his anger on facebook?

Maybe rising against intolerance should change to rising above intolerance. Satan is laughing at this battle because both sides are so angry. The contention withdraws the spirit, forces precious souls to leave the church for the sake of their own sanity, affects families and parents and siblings and children. To me, rising above intolerance means that it has to start with each of us individually. We have to be tolerant of those who are not tolerant of us. We have to replace anger with compassion. The only way things are going to change and people will learn is if they see the LGBT population doing good, serving the community, making a good name for themselves instead of just reacting with anger. There are many that ARE doing that, but it is the angry and protesting ones that make the news.

What if instead of protests, service projects are organized, media called and encouraged to report on it.

What if instead of lashing out, we forgive them, pray for our enemies and help to educate them. Many do not mean to sound hateful, they are honestly speaking out of fear for what they do not understand. Let's seek opportunities to help them see and understand.

More easily said than done, I know.

Lately I have been trying more and more to stand up for Mormons. When I hear LGBT groups bashing Mormons, I have not hesitated to say "I am a Mormon, and yet I am on your side." Sometimes I tell them more. Like "my in-laws are very active Mormons and they allowed our gay friends to get 'married' in their beautiful back yard." I have been amazed at my Mormon sister, my Mormon co-workers, some of my Mormon friends in my ward that are willing to listen to me and my opinions. And even though on occasion they kindly remind me that they do not share my opinions on gay marriage, they are still willing to open their hearts and listen to me without judgment.

And yet I know too well how much the words of outspoken and ignorant and intolerant Mormons hurt, especially when they come from someone in a position of authority. These people need our prayers and forgiveness, even when we think they don't deserve it. They are also God's children, and our anger toward them hurts no one but ourselves as bitterness poisons our hearts.

Any thoughts on how everyone can try to peacefully make progress with the religious community, and rise above the intolerance that comes from such?

Take it or leave it

I had a seminary teacher that talked about the blacks receiving the Priesthood, and how it could not have happened sooner because of the culture of the time. It came when God knew it was time to come, time that the members of the church could accept it, and the outside world could deal with the Mormons accepting it. Imagine how much worse the persecution of the Saints in the early days of the church would have been if blacks had been treated as equals.

But I'm sure there were members that knew in their hearts that it would come, even though leaders of the church had said otherwise, some even indicating that it never would, that blacks were born inferior because of their lineage back to Cain and their behavior in the pre-existence.

I believe that the situation with gay rights is much the same, that God knows right now is not the time. Many members of the church are not ready for such acceptance, and other Christian churches would hate the Mormons even more. But I believe the time will come. It will probably still be a long while yet. The apostles must all be in agreement, and there are some apostles that will never be ready for this, so time (and some apostles) must pass first. But it will happen, and then there will be members on the other side of the issue that will find themselves struggling to follow the Prophet, just as many of us are struggling with this right now.

And because it will take time, there will be more suicides. There will be more disowned gay children. There will be more mixed orientation "eternal" marriages that end in divorce, bringing pain to both adults and any children involved.

But I have to have faith that everything will be made clear when God knows it is the right time.

And so I face the struggle with knowing what is right in my heart and still having faith in my testimony of the LDS faith and in a living prophet.

My daughter faces the same struggle as she says, "Why would God require marriage as part of the plan of salvation AND allow people to be gay?" As she and I discuss this and question it, she comes up with the same conclusion on her own: there has to be something that God has not yet revealed. There has to be!

And so we have faith that the gospel is true, but that everything will be made right.

The proclamation on the family has room for such revelation. It does not use the word "only". If it is inspired, and if God knows all things that are to come, don't you think "ONLY between a man and a woman" would be in there?

And so it is that many will say I am a heretic, that I am deceived. So it is that I cannot have a current temple recommend. But just like Joan of Arc, I cannot deny how I feel. I cannot deny that I believe the spirit has whispered this to me. And so I stand up with courage, refusing to deny my religious and political beliefs on gay rights. At least I don't face being literally burned at the stake for it, but I have definitely chosen chastisement over the freedom to live as a "Molly Mormon" any more.

When I said on Facebook, jokingly, to one of my high school acquaintances that quoted Elder Holland in an effort to help me realize I am deceived, and I stated that I believe the leaders of the church are deceived instead, that is really not quite how I feel. Rather than deceived, I believe that they have simply yet to receive further light and knowledge on this issue. But I believe it will come, and then we will all know how our precious gay and lesbian brothers and sisters fit into the plan of happiness.

Until then, I believe God smiles on those who try to deny their feelings and live the gospel, on those who stick with mixed orientation marriages for the sake of their beliefs and spouse and children. I believe he weeps when it becomes too hard, and one of them takes their own life, but forgives them and receives them into his arms. I believe he cries with spouse and children when marriages break, but smiles on the parents and rejoices in their efforts to remain friends and keep the family together as much as possible, and smiles when they find happiness with other partners. I believe he smiles on and shares in the joy of two men or two women finding and loving each other, committing themselves to serving and caring for each other, even without "marriage" if they must, even without the promise of eternal life, according to what they are taught.

I believe God looks on our individual circumstances and blesses our efforts to do the best we can with the situations we are in.

And these beliefs bring me peace and hope as I face rough times, and as I recognize and rejoice in the baby steps being made with regards to gay rights, like Judge Walker's ruling on Proposition 8 in California this past week.

Take it or leave it. None of you will convince me otherwise at this point. And if I am totally wrong, I believe God will forgive me, for in my heart I simply have the best of intentions as I try my best to follow the commandment to love others and to live the gospel the best I can with the circumstances I am in, and as I teach my children to do the same.

Baby Steps

Many people are not aware that the LDS church's official policy and opinions on homosexuality (or same-sex attraction, as they like to call it) really have changed significantly over the years. See Scott's timeline for a detailed documentation of those changes.

I also realize that for many people, it feels like the church's participation in Prop. 8 and also Elder Oak's recent talk at BYU Idaho have taken the LDS church backwards by a few large steps.

But I still believe they really are making progress, even if it seems only like baby steps forward.

I was going to blog about a significant article in the Ensign back in September, but life was crazy (especially with shutting down my blog for a while) and I never got around to it. The title of the article was "The Best Thing I can do for Leigh", and even though the author's attitudes and opinions are not quite like my own, I still thought it was actually a pretty big step in the right direction. The article is from the viewpoint of a lady with a gay sister, and how she still accepts her sister and partner into her home and her heart, allowing her children to associate with them as well. She does specifically mention not agreeing with the sister's lifestyle choice, but one cannot expect anything other than that from a message in an LDS church magazine. I thought it was just great that the article indicated that having same-sex attractions is not a choice, and that we can still accept and love family members who might choose to live in a way that is not in harmony with the teachings of the church.

Now we have seen another step forward this past week. I have seen many rejoice over the news that the church would make a statement in support of anti-discrimination laws in SLC that specifically pertain to gay rights. But there are still many others that are annoyed by or suspicious of the action. An editorial (*or rather, a letter to the editor :) in the Deseret News today expresses disappointment in the church with the following opinion: (as usual, the comments are infuriating and entertaining, if you have some spare reading time)

"The agenda of the gay community is to gradually force the rest of us to accept its lifestyle as normal, which it never will be. So I am disappointed that the LDS Church and Salt Lake City have taken a step in that direction. Do we also have to accept kissing in public and private areas? Do they deserve the same benefits as the rest of us in the workplace and housing? That should be up to the employers and the landlords. No one should force an employer to hire someone indiscriminately. The applicant must have those skills and qualifications that fit into a particular job opening.

I am opposed to gays taking our rights away from us."

Another organization (that is comprised of church members) claims that the church only made such a statement because they were forced to. They apparently sent out 80,000 faxes last week to voice that opinion.

And then some in the gay community are outraged with the wording of the statement, or that it is too little too late, or that it seems more like a political move than a sincere statement of compassion and reason. They have become so bitter that they are suspicious and cynical, unwilling to see anything good in the statement.

But I choose to believe it is a step in the right direction, and not only that, but as big a step as the church can make right now. For example, full and equal rights for Blacks in the church came when the time was right, when the world and specifically the membership of the church was ready for it. Others may disagree, but I believe it is similar in this situation. As evidenced by the editorial mentioned earlier, there are many members of the church who are not ready for a major new policy or endorsement of gay rights, and making any kind of drastic statement, I believe, would be harmful to a significant percentage of the membership of the church.

It is sad that so many lives have been lost and that individuals and families have been hurt so badly by the church's words, actions, policies, etc., over the years. But I have faith that God has a plan, and that little by little, He will put that plan into place as we are more ready for it. After all, we do believe that God "will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God." Of course I have no idea what those revelations will be, but I know they will come, that hearts and homes will be healed, that members of the church will find themselves on a path to become more like Christ, and that someday we (or our posterity) will look back at this battle and marvel at how things used to be, and how things have changed for the better.

Unfortunately, trying to be patient and have this kind of faith is not easy. That is why I have to cling to the "baby steps" to remind me that there is in fact progress, and that there is always hope.

I think I have said this before, but I believe that the war Satan is waging on us with this issue is less about the immorality of homosexual behavior and much more about contention, cynacism, and bigotry on both sides. May we all rise above it, and may both sides make a greater effort to build bridges, understand each other, and be more like Jesus Christ in thought, word, and action.

Homosexuality is like lice

Scott and I were just discussing the similarities between how people react when they find out someone is gay compared to finding out that someone has lice. One of our children has had lice this past week, and it has been interesting to observe the attitudes of others as we have shared this news with them.

This son had a birthday party (slumber party) to go to, and so I told the mother of his lice just in case, even though we combed through his hair carefully before he went and were pretty confident that there was nothing on his head to contaminate anyone else. The mother did not mind at all. She said that she has worked in group homes, and that lice come and go frequently, and it was no big deal to her.

Meanwhile, family that we were going to spend the weekend with to watch conference at a family condo were not sure they wanted us to come, because they were afraid of catching the lice or maybe thought that the condo would be infested with lice that would then become a burden for everyone in the family.

********

Before Scott came out to me and I read No More Goodbyes, I had very little understanding of homosexuality; it is hard to really remember how I felt about it because I wasn't aware at the time of how I was feeling. But I have been able to observe the reaction of others to Scott this past year, as well as hear many stories of how families and friends reacted to others' coming out. Often there is a lack of education and understanding, a fear and judging and making assumptions, etc.

Likewise, when I have heard about families with lice, I think I have been concerned about staying away from them to prevent catching it. But now that it is my own child with lice, he is my son, and I can't banish him from the house or stop hugging him just because I am afraid of catching lice. Instead, Scott and I have been learning everything we can in order to understand it and take care of our family.

So, we now have the unique opportunity to learn all about lice, about how it prefers clean hair, about how it is harder to catch than you might think (like mostly transferred by head to head contact rather than off of objects, since lice can survive for at most 48 hours when not on a human host.) About how it is not essential to bag up all stuffed animals and pillows for 2 weeks, about how vacuuming is better than poisonous sprays on furniture and carpet. You get the picture.

Because of people's misconceptions and misunderstanding (because they are uneducated on matters of lice), they let prejudice and fear influence judgments and assumptions against even people that they love.

Sound familiar?

(Of course there is the obvious difference that lice actually can be caught, as opposed to other things like homosexuality that aren't contagious, even though some people believe otherwise :-).

******************

Lice remind me of my favorite story from the book The Hiding Place. (For anyone who hasn't read it, I highly recommend it.) In a nutshell, it is the true story of two Christian women in a concentration camp during WWII that secretly read their bible together every day. One day they read a scripture that tells them to be grateful in all things. They start listing things that they are grateful for. One of them mentions being grateful for the lice. The lice? The other sister cannot fathom being grateful for the lice, but tries to be grateful, with her sister's encouragement to be grateful for all things. Later they find out that because of the lice, the guards were less likely to enter their building, and therefore they were able to hide their bible and read it daily without getting in trouble.

Earlier this week, the children and I recalled this story (I shared it with them in a Primary Sharing Time a few years ago right after I had read the book) and wondered if we could find a reason to be grateful for the lice. Here is what I have come up with in the days since: I am grateful for the opportunity to learn about lice. I am grateful for the motivation to give the boys needed haircuts, the motivation to be a bit more thorough in cleaning our house (especially the kids' rooms and changing their bedding). I am reminded of how grateful I am that Scott is so willing to be a good husband and father in helping with the children, for cutting their hair, for combing through everyone's heads every day, for researching and buying the best comb out there. I am also grateful that we can enjoy conference alone this weekend with Scott's parents at the family condo because everyone else is afraid to come for fear they will catch the lice! :) I am grateful that extended family has had a chance to learn more about lice, just like they have had the chance to learn more about homosexuality in the past year.


What fun thing do we get to learn about next?

Thanks Pres. Obama

Loved the speech!

L O V E D I T!

I had chills the entire 20 minutes.

And no, I wasn't cold.

It is about time that someone in charge hold the STUDENTS accountable instead of just punishing the teachers. NCLB (No child left behind) is the worst thing to have ever happened to teacher morale. And when teachers ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. And then the learning just don't happen, because all the teachers care about any more is enforcing policy and teaching to the tests, instead of loving and teaching the children about things that really matter.

Anyway, I haven't paid close attention to why the republicans (and it seems like quite a few Mormons) are in such an uproar over this man. (And no, that is not an invitation for you to tell me everything he is doing wrong. I really don't want to know or need to worry about that on top of everything else in my life.)

But let it be said one more time that I believe his speech was awesome.

Some of my favorite parts:

Some of you might not have those advantages. Maybe you don’t have adults in your life who give you the support that you need. Maybe someone in your family has lost their job, and there’s not enough money to go around. Maybe you live in a neighborhood where you don’t feel safe, or have friends who are pressuring you to do things you know aren’t right.

But at the end of the day, the circumstances of your life – what you look like, where you come from, how much money you have, what you’ve got going on at home – that’s no excuse for neglecting your homework or having a bad attitude. That’s no excuse for talking back to your teacher, or cutting class, or dropping out of school. That’s no excuse for not trying.

and

I know that sometimes, you get the sense from TV that you can be rich and successful without any hard work -- that your ticket to success is through rapping or basketball or being a reality TV star, when chances are, you’re not going to be any of those things.

But the truth is, being successful is hard. You won’t love every subject you study. You won’t click with every teacher. Not every homework assignment will seem completely relevant to your life right this minute. And you won’t necessarily succeed at everything the first time you try.

That’s OK. Some of the most successful people in the world are the ones who’ve had the most failures. JK Rowling’s first Harry Potter book was rejected twelve times before it was finally published. Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team, and he lost hundreds of games and missed thousands of shots during his career. But he once said, "I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

These people succeeded because they understand that you can’t let your failures define you – you have to let them teach you. You have to let them show you what to do differently next time. If you get in trouble, that doesn’t mean you’re a troublemaker, it means you need to try harder to behave. If you get a bad grade, that doesn’t mean you’re stupid, it just means you need to spend more time studying.

No one’s born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work. You’re not a varsity athlete the first time you play a new sport. You don’t hit every note the first time you sing a song. You’ve got to practice. It’s the same with your schoolwork. You might have to do a math problem a few times before you get it right, or read something a few times before you understand it, or do a few drafts of a paper before it’s good enough to hand in.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. I do that every day. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. It shows you have the courage to admit when you don’t know something, and to learn something new. So find an adult you trust – a parent, grandparent or teacher; a coach or counselor – and ask them to help you stay on track to meet your goals.

And even when you’re struggling, even when you’re discouraged, and you feel like other people have given up on you – don’t ever give up on yourself. Because when you give up on yourself, you give up on your country.

The story of America isn’t about people who quit when things got tough. It’s about people who kept going, who tried harder, who loved their country too much to do anything less than their best.

and especially

That’s why today, I’m calling on each of you to set your own goals for your education – and to do everything you can to meet them. Your goal can be something as simple as doing all your homework, paying attention in class, or spending time each day reading a book. Maybe you’ll decide to get involved in an extracurricular activity, or volunteer in your community. Maybe you’ll decide to stand up for kids who are being teased or bullied because of who they are or how they look, because you believe, like I do, that all kids deserve a safe environment to study and learn.

Amen and Amen!

Thoughts to Ponder

I had an great conversation with a cousin this week as our children played together. She and her family stopped attending church about five years ago due to their own issues with church policies and subsequent disagreements over such with local leaders (not gay related, but liberal thinking). I was sad to find out that her husband's family have reacted much worse to them leaving the church than Scott's family has reacted to our changes in thinking. It is very sad that stalwart members of the church that call themselves by the name of Christ would forgo inviting family to events like Thanksgiving and Christmas over something like church attendance.

She has an awesome quote from Galileo on the wall in her home:

“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.”

She pointed it out to me in response to my telling her about a talk at the recent women's conference in my stake. I also mentioned the talk to my sister today, who is a very active member of the church with a strong testimony. Her response: false doctrine. As members of the church, we are not to act as sheep, following blindly to whatever our leaders ask of us.

So where has this attitude come from? And how do we know that the leaders of the church are not wolves in sheep's clothing leading us astray unless we pray about it, seek the guidance of the spirit, and follow what the Lord would have us do?

How many of the rules and regulations that we follow as members of the church are truly inspired? Either my mom or Scott told me once that the reason coffee was against the word of wisdom is that Brigham Young thought it was too expensive, and so it was on a list of things that they should not purchase to bring across the plains with them. So thus it was banned. I have no idea if this is really true or not, but it is interesting.

Another thing that Scott has found interesting lately is tithing. Tithing began in the early church as an easier law following the law of consecration. It started as 10% of ones surplus after living expenses, not 10% of gross income. That changed with Lorenzo Snow when the church was in need of finances for building temples, etc. But I believe the church is no longer in need of all the tithing income they bring in, especially if they can spare so much of it for funding things like campaigns against gay marriage. For some people, they can barely live on the income they bring in without paying tithing, so paying 10% on their gross income is a harder law than the law of consecration. 10% of someone's increase, or extra money after necessary bills are paid, makes much more sense, doesn't it? Something I will have to ponder and pray about, I think.

Hmmm. The gospel is true. The purpose of the church is to help us live the gospel, and I suppose also to obtain the necessary ordinances. But if it gets to the point that the church is not the best thing to help us live the gospel, then is it better to leave and find our own way of living as Christ would have us live?

Wouldn't it be better as leaders and members of the church if we paid more attention to love and service than to rules and regulations?

No, I have no plans to leave the church, but who knows what the future might bring.  I only pray that my future path will be the one that God wants me to follow.

CTL - Choose to Love

One of my favorite things from our party last week was visiting with the parents of 2 gay children. This is the first time we have had parents attend, and as I spoke with them, I realized that I have much in common with them. They are active members of the church with important callings in their ward (RS counselor and Ward Clerk), and yet they feel as I do on the issue of gay marriage and are trying to reconcile it with their testimonies, etc., and they also have a desire to help change the attitudes of church members.


The father showed me his CTL ring. I had never heard of such a thing before, but apparently someone sells them, indicating that they stand for "choose the left." The parents told about how when one of their younger children noticed and liked the ring, they told them that it stands for "choose to love." How appropriate! I loved it and I want one.

This morning I was choosing songs for Relief Society. The topic was obedience, and it reminded me of the guilt I was feeling about attending the Pride parade and other festivities instead of going to church. I suggested to Scott earlier in the week that we miss the parade to go to church, and attend pride in the afternoon, but he decided he was going to the parade with or without us, and I decided that whatever we did, it should be together. (We missed church last week because of being up way too late after our party and having company from CA staying at our house.)

Anyway, as I was looking through the hymn book, I turned to hymn #237, "Do What is Right":

1. Do what is right; the day-dawn is breaking,
Hailing a future of freedom and light.
Angels above us are silent notes taking
Of ev’ry action; then do what is right!

[Chorus]
Do what is right; let the consequence follow.
Battle for freedom in spirit and might;
And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.
God will protect you; then do what is right!

2. Do what is right; the shackles are falling.
Chains of the bondsmen no longer are bright;
Lightened by hope, soon they’ll cease to be galling.
Truth goeth onward; then do what is right!

3. Do what is right; be faithful and fearless.
Onward, press onward, the goal is in sight.
Eyes that are wet now, ere long will be tearless.
Blessings await you in doing what’s right!

Text: Anon., The Psalms of Life, Boston, 1857
Music: George Kaillmark, 1781–1835

My guilty feeling lifted as I felt the words of the song talking to me. Don't worry about the consequence of going in the morning when the day-dawn is breaking (and missing church); instead, fight for freedom, be faithful and fearless, and accept the fact that God is leading us, protecting us, and blessing us in our quest.

During the parade, I saw the parents from our party and their family marching with PFLAG in the Parade. They were also doing what they felt was right, and it was a joyous sight to see.

After sitting through heavy rain for an hour or more during the parade, and then wandering through endless booths, our feet hurt, we were wet and cold and hungry and tired, and yet our oldest son said, "This was the best Sunday ever!"

Oh dear, what am I teaching my children? :)

I hope they are learning to love.

Integrity

Today the lesson in Relief Society was on Truth and Integrity.

A lot of my thoughts in this post are things I have blogged about before, but today's lesson brought some of my past thoughts about truth and melded them together with the idea of integrity.

Integrity is the quality or condition of being whole, complete, unbroken, and undivided. The word integrity is related to other words with the same root such as entire and integrate. These expressions share the notion of being intact, sound, uncorrupted, and perfect. (Elder Bednar, New Era, October 2005)

My changed view on gay marriage has divided or broken my soul between what I feel in my heart and what the leaders and "righteous" members of the church are saying. My spiritual integrity has been broken.

I have therefore sought to know the truth in the hopes of finding peace. The first time I finally felt some sort of peace on the issue was last October when I was particularly struggling (prior to the election) and words from my patriarchal blessing came distinctly to my mind, "You have been blessed with the ability to believe and accept truth." Clarity came to my mind and heart. If I have the "gift" of accepting truth, and my heart won't let me accept a ban on gay marriage, then I felt like God was telling me directly that gay marriage could possibly, someday, be a true principal.

The 9th Article of Faith says that we believe God continues to reveal truths to us. Those truths come when the time is right. Sometimes we have to have patience for years to hold out for those truths we feel in our hearts to be revealed through leaders of the church (like blacks and the priesthood, for example.) Many argue against gay marriage with the proclamation on the family (including my sister during this past week):

"Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God."

My sister has been amazing through all of this. She patiently listens and takes it all in. We share with each other our day-to-day struggles and triumphs, and most of mine seem to be gay-related, and she has not seemed uncomfortable at all with me sharing them with her, usually listening without comment. But this week as I told her of the some of the plans we have in the works to help gay Mormons (or ex-Mormons) on more of a spiritual level, something I said helped her realize that I not only agree with gay marriage as an equal right, I actually embrace the idea that God might not disapprove of it. So she then interjected a "but" with the above quote. I'm not sure what she thought of my subsequent interpretation.

Most Mormons (myself included, a year or more ago) feel that there is no way there could ever be an additional revelation to the proclamation that "marriage between two people of the same gender is also ordained of God," but I think it is possible, since the word "only" does not appear in the above quote. I shared this thought with my sister, that the proclamation is open to interpretation in this way and that the Lord continues to reveal truths, so who are we to say that it is impossible?

Anyway, back to integrity. Part of today's lesson about integrity is that it also means being true to ones self, being true to what we each know individually is true and right.

For me, then, if I am to be a woman of integrity right now, true to myself and what I feel in my heart is right, then I must stay on this path, speaking out in favor of gay marriage, in favor of love and tolerance and Christ-like acceptance of all of God's children.

Gay Trains

Out of the mouth of babes. Here is a definition of the word "gay" from a 6-year-old (in 2002).

Evan blogged today about Rosie O'Donnell and provided this link, on which I found this quote, which I thought was awesome, so I had to share it.

“A few months ago, my son, Parker, had a play date with a friend from soccer. His friend asked, “Why do you have two mommies?” He said, “They’re gay. Ever hear of it?” and his friend said, “No.” Parker said, “You know the Thomas the Tank engine toys, how they all connect by magnets. And there is always that train that won’t connect to the other ones and you have to find another train that won’t connect to any of the other ones and then those two trains connect? Those two trains are totally gay.”

— Rosie O’Donnell, interviewed on NBC’s “The Colin Quinn Show,” March 19, reported by the Washington Blade, a newspaper for homosexuals, March 29, 2002. The Blade describes the above quotation as O’Donnell “discussing how her son taught her about diversity.”

What if?

Last night I turned the news on (which is unusual for me, because the news usually just makes me depressed), but there were some teasers for the local news during American Idol, so I did. Anyway, a teaser came on about how Miss CA lost the “Queen” title in the Miss USA Pagent because of how she answered a question regarding gay marriage.

I turned to Scott and asked him about it (knowing he would know about anything gay related in the news) and he sighed in frustration and shared details of the story, his main frustration being that people like Perez Hilton are the reason that gays and gay advocates and allies have such a bad image. It confirms the prevailing attitude that those who are against gay marriage are “persecuted” for standing up for what they think is right.

While I disagree with Miss CA, I was impressed about how she handled the situation with the press. Rather than being angry, she felt blessed to have the opportunity to express her view on national TV.

That started me thinking and wondering: what if I were blessed to answer that question and give my heartfelt opinion on national TV? What would I say?

I guess this is not much different than interviewing for Reed Cowan’s documentary: “8: The Mormon Proposition.” I guess I was still able to voice my opinion for a national audience. The difference, though, is that only a certain subset of people in the nation will watch the documentary, while the audience for Miss USA is a different audience on a larger scale, and therefore has a much larger impact, kind of like Dustin Lance Black’s awesome speech at the Academy Awards.

Anyway, back to what I would say…

I am in favor of gay marriage. With that said, let me explain that I am happily married to a gay man, and that we have chosen to continue living in a marriage that is defined as “one man and one woman” and I am fine with that. But allowing gays to marry each other does not diminish the value of MY marriage.

We have good friends, two men that were married in California last summer and have two adorable little boys. They are an amazing family and we enjoy associating with them and are honored to call them friends (and yes, our children are aware that their family is a bit different than ours, but is still a family, and they are fine with that). Yet, in order for this couple to have the same rights that we take for granted here in Utah (things like inheritance for their children, etc.), they had to go through the time and expense of hiring a lawyer. Some opponents of gay marriage in CA argue that they have civil unions with the same rights, but they are not the same, and they are more like the concept of “separate but equal.”

In my opinion, the best compromise for this conflict in our nation would be to remove any government relationship with the word “marriage”. Perhaps it would be best for everyone to have a “civil union” first, and then, if desired, “marry” in the church of their choice, leaving marriage as a purely religious term that each denomination can define according to their own beliefs.

Finally, in response to those who argue against gay marriage as a moral issue, I would like to express my opinion that legalizing gay marriage would most likely lead to less promiscuity and less adultery, and therefore would be a BETTER moral choice in the long run.

Just my 2 cents. Maybe too long for a Miss USA interview question, but hey, that is never gonna happen anyway, so oh well.

Peace and Harmony

I just finished reading the lesson for Relief Society today, #29 "Living with Others in Peace and Harmony" and I think I have decided that maybe it is a good thing that I am staying home again today due to illness. It it a beautiful lesson, and I am afraid that I might say something that might make others uncomfortable, or I would sit there uncomfortable myself because I want so badly to say something. (Besides, it will probably make the practice song, "I'll Walk with You" more comfortable and spiritual for the ladies in the RS presidency, who know what my agenda is with the song.)

So instead, I will share my thoughts here and be grateful for the situation. The entire lesson is great, but the last section is the one that gets me thinking. The subtitle is:

"We can cultivate harmony in our communities by respecting the freedom of all people to believe according to their own conscience."

It begins with the 11th Article of Faith, which says we claim the privilege of worshiping God the way we want to, and we allow others to do the same.

OK, so here is my thing. I have prayed about and personally come to believe that gay sex within a relationship of commitment (or marriage, rather, where available) is no more a sin than heterosexual sex. Maybe I am wrong and will eventually face the condemnation of God for my opinion, but that is for God's judgment and no one else.

I am not saying that I have the authority to receive revelation for the church and that they should change their stance. I'm simply saying that according to this Article of Faith, I should let them believe what they want to believe, and in return they should allow me the same privilege. Now of course, if I am to stay a member of the church in good standing, I obviously can't live what I believe (not that I would want to, of course) and I also shouldn't voice my opinion in a church setting since it is contrary to the teachings of the church. (Although I see voicing an opinion of gay sex vs. voicing an opinion that the church should not have been involved in gay rights politics as two different things, while my church leaders tend to view them as the same thing and therefore BOTH wrong to talk about. *sigh*)

So obviously, the main problem I have is the church's political involvement this past year, forcing their beliefs on people who are not members of their church, whom they have told are welcome to believe what they believe about God (and therefore about sin as well, don't you think?) But for some reason, they are so sure that this is a moral issue, that it is a condemnation of God that will bring destruction to any society that believes in it, that they will not allow me to simply believe what I believe without condemning me for it and telling me that I really don't have the freedom that they say I have.

Maybe the church needs to rewrite the 11th Article of Faith to align to what they truly believe, that others can believe what they want to believe as long as it is not in conflict with the moral teachings of the true church. Wouldn't that go over well for a church that teaches that pride is also a sin? But at least they would be honest instead of two-faced.

I can feel the heat of this issue rising within me, and I realize that it is a very good thing I am not in Relief Society today.

The text of the lesson, of course comes from Joseph Smith himself. Get a glimpse of some of his words here:

"If I esteem mankind to be in error, shall I bear them down? No. I will lift them up, and in their own way too, if I cannot persuade them my way is better; and I will not seek to compel any man to believe as I do..."

"We ought always to be aware of those prejudices which sometimes so strangely present themselves, and are so congenial to human nature, against our friends, neighbors, and brethren of the world, who choose to differ from us in opinion and in matters of faith. Our religion is between us and our God. Their religion is between them and their God."

"...In my feelings I am always ready to die for the protection of the weak and oppressed in their just rights."

"We will ... cultivate peace and friendship with all, mind our own business, and come off with flying colors, respected, because, in respecting others, we respect ourselves."

Um, does anyone else think we need to highlight that last statement and send it to the church leaders, PR department, or whatever?

So I can't really tell them what I want to tell them, and I am feeling anything but peace and harmony as I realize the conflict the church has with these words in their own lesson. So now that I have it off my chest here on my blog, I will turn to prayer. I pray for peace and harmony with the church and the world. I pray for people in every LDS congregation throughout the world (but especially here in the good old US of A) that as they hear and read this lesson, it will make them think a little bit about prejudice, and maybe even a little bit about gay rights. I know it has made me think, and I am honored to say that I have a testimony of Joseph Smith as a prophet of God and I am very grateful for his words in this lesson. This church was founded on love and peace, and maybe, just maybe they will someday recognize that it is possible that they have drifted a bit from the Christlike love on which they are founded.

Jesus walked away from none, he gave his love to everyone, so I will, I will. I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you. That's how I'll show my love for you. (Carol Lynn Pearson, "I'll Walk with You")

I want to publicly thank a couple in my ward for their true Christlike love toward Scott and I. They have their own strong opinions, but I continue to feel of their sincere love for us regardless of whether they agree with us or not. Thank you, Jacob and Melissa. I don't know if you realize how much your friendship means to me and is helping me to stay active in the church and in our ward.

I am also incredibly grateful for the people I work with (specifically the math department), for being open, for listening to me and learning from me (and I from them) and most of all, for continuing to love me without judgment. They are all active members of the LDS church as well, and have been true Christians in supporting me as they do. I am truly blessed with an awesome support network.

"All Hail Plankton"

Yesterday I was so excited to read about Governor Huntsman's stance on the whole Common Grounds initiative. I honestly never voted for the guy because of his views on school vouchers and such, so this has completely changed my view of him. For all the courage people tell Scott and I that we have, it is nothing compared to our Governor taking a stance on this. Amazing!

Meanwhile, I get an email last night sent to a list I am on for Utah Republican Women, asking us to spread the word about a gathering at the capitol today to voice disapproval of Governor Huntsman's statement:

Family Coalition Sets News Conference
in Response to Governor's Support of Gay Unions

Salt Lake City, Utah, February 10, 2009. Members of the Utah Legislature and leaders of Utah’s Pro-Family groups have formed the "Utah Coalition for Traditional Families" have scheduled a news conference on Wednesday, February 11, 2009, at 1:30 p.m. in the House Building located on the west side of the Utah State Capitol Plaza. This event is in response to Governor Huntsman’s remarks in support of the “Common Ground Initiative,” a group of bills that advocate for the homosexual lifestyle and undermine the legal status of Traditional Marriage in Utah.

Utah legislators, legal experts, and pro-family groups will respond to the announcement by Governor’s spokeswoman, Lisa Roskelley, that Governor Huntsman "supports civil unions” and that he “backs Equality Utah’s Common Ground Initiative . . ,” legislation that would provide special rights to those who identify themselves as homosexual.

The Coalition issued this collective statement: "We are disappointed that the Governor would join with Equality Utah and the majority of Democrats in the legislature in a position which is in opposition to the majority of Utahns, most of the Utah legislature, and his Republican Party."

The Coalition cites the Republican governor's opposition to his party's own platform which says 'We call for a constitutional amendment that fully protects marriage as a union of a man and a woman, so judges cannot make other arrangements equivalent to it.”

All citizens who wish to let Governor Huntsman know of their views on his position are urged to attend this news conference.

Oh, I was so ticked off! I wrote an email back to the sender in response and carbon copied it to my state senator and representative. This just goes to show that it is not a great idea for me to respond to things immediately when I am hot under the collar:

Dear "Utah Coalition for Traditional Families",

Please do some research before you advertise this hateful response to Governor Huntsman.

My husband is an active Mormon and also happens to be gay. The fact that he could be fired with no legal consequences of discrimination for his sexual orientation infuriates me.

I have been an active participant in the republican party for many years, held caucuses at my home, put up yard signs, etc. This kind of behavior from the republican party is childish and ridiculous, and I no longer wish to be associated with it.

Get to know just how this affects people, me an active LDS straight woman who has done nothing wrong, and my husband who has chosen to live a lifestyle that aligns with the teachings of the LDS church, and yet we both live in fear of job security and our church membership because we have chosen to take a stance on gay issues like this one.

This bill in the legislature will NOT hurt the traditional family, will NOT lead to gay marriage in Utah. It is about basic civil rights for people who are born differently than you, that are some of the sweetest people I have ever met.

Get your head out of the sand and learn something. Walk in MY shoes for a while.

And praise Governor Huntsman for his willingness to take a stand in the midst of this ridiculous Utah/LDS culture of ours.

Just my 2 cents. I am SOOO done supporting the Republican party.

This morning when I woke up, I was still ticked off. I was trying to get it off my mind before leaving for work and was discussing it with Scott. For some reason the Spongebob Movie came to mind. Why does it feel like a lot of these church-going people are going around with buckets on their heads, bowing down and chanting "All Hail Plankton!" "Save traditional families." (Scott and I chuckled at that thought, and as you know, laughter is always the best medicine.)

The common grounds initiative has NOTHING to do with their precious marriage between a man and a woman. What about MY traditional marriage and family that are affected by the fact that my husband can be discriminated against when it comes to employment? Does that mean nothing?!

This thought kind of reminded me of Abelard's thoughtful post relating this whole thing to Hitler--an amazing and scary parallel that I had never thought of before.

As I was mulling it all over in my head on my way to school this morning, another movie quote entered my head, this time from my favorite movie Mary Poppins. It goes something like this: "Sometimes, by no fault of his own, your father cannot see past the end of his nose." By the end of the movie, the father comes around, and Mary Poppins has been oh-so patient with him. I want to be like Mary Poppins, patiently expressing my view and patiently waiting for the day that these people will also be able to see past the ends of their noses and realize what they have done. Will it actually happen? I hope so!



God bless me with patience, with a heart full of mercy and forgiveness during the time that it takes to get to that point!

Strength through acceptance

Some of the blog posts from the married mohos (in mixed orientation marriages) this week have made me wonder again why I seem to be so different from other straight wives, and why our marriage seems to have such strength that others might be lacking. Maybe we are just new to this and still going through the "honeymoon" stage of Scott being out to me. But I think it is more than that. I think it has to do with my total and complete acceptance of the mohos regardless of their path in life.

Scott and I talked about it on the phone, and now he has blogged about it. I know there are some people who read my blog that do not read his, or may not realize at the beginning of his post that there may be some message for them down at the bottom, so I want to quote from it here:

...it is beneficial and self-affirming to know that there are people who do accept us for who we are, and especially to know that the people who are closest to us and who mean the most to us are willing to accept us and love us without requiring or expecting us to change ourselves to fit some pattern that they have created for us.
At least once or twice every week Sarah turns to me and asks "Why am I so weird?" She reads the MoHo blogs and the posts on the various Spouse and Family lists that she is on and is frequently reminded that our relationship and situation are a little bit abnormal, mostly due to how comfortable and open Sarah has been with the whole situation. So... why is she so weird? I believe (and we've talked about this) that the one thing that has made all the difference in how well we are doing is how open and honest we have been able to be. And the main reason we have been able to be so open and honest is because I discovered very shortly after I came out to her that she was willing to accept me as I am, with no attempts to change me and very little regret for what "should" be or what could have been.
Sarah's acceptance of me stems from the same roots that my acceptance of others comes from: She understands me. Right after I came out to her she read No More Goodbyes by Carol Lynn Pearson. The book provides numerous anecdotes and points-of-view from gay people (mostly members of the Church) who explain and describe what it means to be gay and Mormon. The stories focus on "goodbyes"--goodbyes from suicide, from the breakup of mixed-orientation marriages, and from individuals or families leaving the Church because of the incompatibilities between their beliefs regarding homosexuality and the Church's teachings. They are poignant and touching and frequently sad and they give the reader a good glimpse into what goes on inside the head and heart of a gay member of the Church. Reading the book gave Sarah an injection of empathy that has allowed her to understand and accept not only me but also all of the other friends we have met through the MoHo blogs.
Knowing that she accepts me (as a man who is attracted to men) has gone a long way toward helping me feel better about myself. Knowing that she accepts others (including men who are in relationships with men) has been the icing on the cake. To be perfectly honest (and we've talked about this, too) if Sarah wasn't as understanding as she is--if she wasn't willing to allow me to be who I am, and to support me and love me without trying to squeeze me into some "ideal husband" shape--I'm absolutely certain that we wouldn't be as happy together as we are, and I'm not entirely sure that we would still be together at all. There's a very real chance that her acceptance of me has made all the difference is our remaining together vs. separating or divorcing.
...
We all want to be accepted, and we will seek acceptance where we can get it. If our gay loved ones ask for and expect acceptance from us and are denied or disappointed, they will seek acceptance elsewhere. Too often, "elsewhere" will prove to be a bad influence or a bad environment and one poor choice snowballs into an avalanche of bad decisions. If, instead, we provide the love and open arms and non-judgmental acceptance that they seek so that they don't need to turn to others for it, we have a chance to influence them for good.
This influence must be exercised carefully. Constant reminders of what is right and what is wrong (with emphasis on the "wrong") are really little different from closed arms and closed hearts. The Savior didn't lecture the woman taken in adultery, or confront her with a list of her sins or misdeeds. Instead, after dismissing others who would have condemned her, he gently reminded her to "sin no more". Our influence is most effective when it is exercised in the form of kindness, of good example, and of loving acceptance. We need not accept that a particular action is right when we believe it to be wrong, but we should accept an individual's right to choose his own path.

I told him after I read his post that the entire thing should be published as an instructional pamphlet for gay members and their family and friends, but I have no idea who would be willing to publish or distribute it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, but he is so good at putting our discussions into writing. It always helps me clarify what I was really thinking and trying to say.

Blind Sheep

I have the Deseret News headlines emailed to me at work, and I usually glance through them first thing to see if anything interests me, and then I quickly read a couple of articles if I have time. Anything mentioning Prop 8 of course gets my attention. Last week it was about the news release from the church, which made me ornery the rest of the day. Sometimes I also glance through the comments, but there are usually a TON of them and they say the same crazy things over and over. You’d think I would know better than to keep reading such articles…

This morning the title was Catholics, Mormons joined to pass Prop. 8. I gave the article a quick read, and then noticed that there were ONLY 21 comments so far. I had time to read that many to see what people were saying...

It was the usual…

• Yes, its all about children. The anti-Prop 8 folks don't want us to think about their impact on children.
• We should all join with them to help preserve traditional marriage - the most stabilizing force in our culture. The opponents to California's passed proposition 8 are now showing their true colors - that of a hate filled and love deprived group of individuals.
• Two "married" women raising a child tell the child day in and day out by their example that men are not important. That child will grow up either believing that men are not important or that she/he is not good enough to have a dad, or both. Parenting is more than being loving to children. Parenting is putting the needs of the child over the wants of the parents. Children need - and naturally want - both a father and a mother. Traditional marriage is the best way to raise children to become successful adults.
• Gay "rights" advocates do not just want us to tolerate homosexuality or even just let homosexuals carry on with their lives, they want everyone to applaud them and support them and never verbally disagree with them. Anything but 100% support is "intolerant" or worse, it is bigotry.
• I am very happy that Catholics are coming forward to defend LDS members who supported Prop 8. We all need to work together for what's right.
• Where are all your nasty and negative posters? I know it is more fun to be nasty to the mormons. It appears that more catholics turned to vote yes than the mormons did. Where is the outrage?

Oooo, I took that as an invite. Although I did not plan to be nasty, just honest. Here is my comment:

Sad | 7:47 a.m. Nov. 11, 2008
I am an active Mormon with a strong testimony, yet I disagree with prop 8. There are those of you who say these two things together are impossible, but I tell you that they aren't.

Allowing gay marriage DOES NOT hurt my "traditional marriage." And I WANT my children to know that other children might have 2 moms or 2 dads so that they can be tolerant and love them no matter what. Regardless of the law, there are lots of children in that situation and will continue to be, and from what I've seen personally, some of them are blessed with better home and family life than many with a mom and a dad. Allowing gay marriage gives everyone the same constitutional rights and happiness.

Banning it, however, hurts to the core some of the sweetest people you will ever meet. It also hurts their friends and family.

If allowing it doesn't hurt anyone, and banning it hurts someone, then it is sad to me that so many people feel so passionately about banning it, especially members of my own church who profess to have love and charity as an integral part of their lives.

Whoa, boy did I start a discussion and some severe backlash. I was going to quote from it, but if you’re interested, read it yourself. I was amazed that my honest and benign comment could stir up such contention in the hearts of members of the church. Scott jumped in with a few comments (alias SN). I could be biased, but I think Scott is so good at explaining things and making them sound reasonable and logical.

Needless to say I was kind of distracted through the day: proof that it is good that the district firewall blocks my ability to read blogs all day long.

Anyway, I guess it was silly to jump in at all, but I learned a lot about myself today and my progression through the last few months. As I read things like “You can’t be Mormon”, or “Satan is leading you away from the true church” I laughed instead of cried. During the summer I posted a comment on an article once and was VERY hurt by the comments that came thereafter.

I am very grateful for the peace that Heavenly Father is letting me feel right now and that the comments didn’t make me feel guilty or evil. In fact, it has been a very happy day for me. Maybe Satan has just lulled me into a false sense of security, but I don’t think so. Wickedness never was happiness, right? And if by some chance homosexuality is really as evil as some think it is, and I am heading speedily towards hell with such an opinion, then I believe in a Christ that will see that in my heart I am good and kind and tried to be like Him, and that will make up for my error.

I was honest in my comment when I said that you MoHos are some of the sweetest people I will ever meet. Your comments and encouragement mean more to me than you will ever know, and I feel so blessed to be so welcome in this community. Thank you!

Confusion

I've been having a hard time for a while now. My happiness and ability to deal with life has been up and down, but lately a bit more down than up.

I am so tired of waking up nervous, throwing up, and then gagging down my breakfast like I've been doing for 3 weeks now. (And no, I'm not pregnant. It's just nerves.) I'm tired of not being able to concentrate and accomplish much during my planning time at school. I'm tired of blaming myself for every little thing...

Yesterday I went through a horrible guilty phase. I feel guilty about asking Scott to get up early (he is SO not a morning person) to make my lunch for me because I feel too sick to do it myself. I feel guilty about never wanting to plan or make dinner. I feel guilty about having Scott feed pills to my cat twice a day, from which he now has a few scratches and gashes; a cat he doesn't even want and never really wanted in the first place. I feel guilty that I am so hard to live with, so emotional and unhappy and anxious and dependent. Guilty that every night I need a bedtime snack and ask Scott to make me a smoothie or something. Guilty that I put him through so much, and with all that, he still doesn't have the reward of living with someone that he can feel fully attracted to and emotionally connected to like he quietly longs for.

Now I feel guilty because he is worried that he is the cause of my unhappiness. He longs for me to be happy and to truly understand and believe how much he DOES love me.

I have always been an emotional person, prone to guilt and anxiety. He's always wished that he could find a way to help me be happier.

Today he asked me if certain things he blogs or talks to me about or shows me make me weird. He seemed very sad when he asked. I told him I didn't know. I don't know if it is his being gay, or his talking to me about such things, or Proposition 8, or my struggles with student behavior at school this year, or day-in, day-out struggles with raising children and remembering everything that needs done, like homework and lessons and scout meetings, and making sure everything that needs laundered gets laundered in time for soccer or school or whatever. And making the house payment and the car payment and tithing and...

I told him that I think it is everything.

Everything piling on and making me feel like I just can't do it anymore. I was barely surviving the kids and work and church jobs and finances in my life last year, now add to that new information about my marriage and the choice not to agree with the leaders of the church, and everything else that has come from the gay thing, and it is just too much!

I think I need to stay away from the blogs for a while, but I can't. I come home from work and find Scott blogging and chatting. He is so consumed with all of this, and I think he is doing a lot of good for others. I'm grateful that he has made friends and found acceptance and is helping others do the same, but because he can't stay away from it, neither can I.

I know that some people who read our blogs think things are perfect for us and that maybe they want what we have. But, oh, I caution you to know that it is not easy, that the reason we are getting by is because we are such good friends. But it is still so confusing and uncertain at times.

I was so strong in July and August when everything happened. Scott and I both marveled at my strength (because we both know how weak I am). We realized that I was getting help from beyond, from my Heavenly Father and perhaps from Scott's deceased mother.

But now as I look back on the summer, I remember some of the hard days and that brings back some of the thoughts and emotions I was having at the time, only now I am weak instead of strong, and I am not handling them very well.

A conversation with a student about the movie "Wall-E" reminded me of the feelings I was going through the day after Scott came out to me. In an effort to distract ourselves from the life-changing event, we took our kids to the movie. Not a good time for a cute little romantic entertainment.

I'm so confused and sometimes I just want to go back to last year and forget that any of this ever happened...

But then I see the good that is coming from it too: the help and advice we can give others, the opportunity to educate our families, and especially our children, about tolerance and understanding. I have actually been elated today with glimpses into how this is giving us the opportunity to help others.

But oh, it is hard, and I am just so confused right now about how to pull myself together and accomplish what I need to accomplish.

Meanwhile, I keep pondering another statement from my patriarchal blessing, trying to figure out how to do it..."You will find joy in living, for happiness comes from within."

I think I just want to let Scott hold me for a while.

Thy Will Be Done

I feel so confused. My nervousness of the last week was all but gone until this morning as I anticipated attending church. I hope this blog post will help me sort out my thoughts and feelings.

I think the thing that confuses me the most on the Proposition 8 issue is that there are people on both sides of the issue that say they have prayed and that they have received confirmation that their viewpoint is right with God. How is that possible?

I have a friend in CA that I called a few weeks ago to discuss the subject with her. She has lived in CA for several years now (since she got home from her mission, and she is my age, 34). In our telephone conversation I learned that she knows people that are gay and there is one in her extended family that she knows well, and that she "understands" them and has love and tolerance for them. She shared with me that when Proposition 22 was going on a few years ago, she wondered why the church would get involved in politics. So she prayed to understand, and felt like it was the right thing for them to do because it is a “moral issue”. I let her know that I didn’t agree, but I quickly realized that nothing would change her mind at this point, so I kept my arguments to myself.

Meanwhile, when I read or hear stories of loving same-sex relationships, I feel peace. I think I feel the love of God toward these people as they lovingly serve each other and care for adopted or foster children. When I read the church’s news release “The Divine Institution of Marriage” I feel anger and confusion. Scott says that he has prayed and pondered the issue several times, trying to be open to the fact that the leaders of the church are seers and receive revelation from God for the church. But he always gets the same answer, and he does not feel good about Proposition 8.

So which answer is right? Mine and Scott’s? My friend in CA (and the leaders of the LDS church)?

Anyway, in Sunday school today we discussed Christ’s appearance to the Nephites in the America after he was resurrected. He taught them (3 Nephi 11: 28-29):

And there shall be no disputations among you, as there have hitherto been; neither shall there be disputations among you concerning the points of my doctrine, as there have hitherto been.

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

We talked about how that for three generations after Christ’s appearance, there was peace. His visit and teachings were so impressive on the people that peace lasted that long. Their testimonies must have been so strong to pass the testimony and message and peace to their children and their children’s children.

If they were truly at peace, doesn’t that mean they would have sincerely loved any gay people that would have been among them? Does that mean that as members of the church truly follow the teachings of Christ, we will be able to find peace as well?

I’m just sitting here staring at my computer, feeling more and more confused. It seems impossible to bring peace to this issue. People on each side have such differing opinions. On one side it is God’s will because the prophet says so. On the other side, it is love and charity and agency and everything that the plan of salvation is really about. Is there any way to reconcile it so that there can be “no disputations among [us]”?

And are both sides really inspired? If they are, what is God trying to accomplish? Or is this contention somehow really of the devil? If so, which side am I on? Am I on the devil’s side even though it feels so much like God’s love? But how could the devil possibly influence so strongly the leaders of the church?

In Relief Society today someone made a comment about how when we have trials in life, we have to have faith in God that He knows what He is doing, even if we don’t yet understand it. Is that His answer to me: have faith that he is on both sides, and that this division in opinions needs to happen right now for a greater purpose?

In 3 Nephi 11:11, Christ says:

And behold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning.

Even He that was greatest of all had to suffer the will of the Father. (Although at least I think He understood why he had to.) I don’t understand why I am suffering, but I think that He is telling me that in order for me to feel peace right now, I don’t have to agree with Proposition 8, but I do need to have faith in His greater purpose.

I think that’s it: don’t ask why, just let myself feel of God’s love for all of his children, have faith, and thereby find peace. It is not an easy thing he asks of me, but I will try.

Finding Zion

Following is a subject I considered blogging about previously and then decided not to, but based on some recent experiences and conversations that have shed light on it, I now want to put it all together.

On Sunday, August 10 (the Sunday following the week I sent letters to 3 ladies), one of the ladies I sent a letter to was teaching the lesson in Relief Society (she had not taught the lesson the week before).

I felt during her lesson as though some of her comments were directed at me, although since I didn’t know that for sure, I chose not to dwell on it by blogging or otherwise. Now that I know from the bishop that she was the first to go talk to him and was very distraught, I have more reason to believe that my letter was on her mind and that her lesson was influenced by it.

The topic of the lesson was building Zion. She kept saying things like “Everyone goes through tribulations. The best way to get through tribulations is to follow the Lord and follow what the leaders of the church teach us.” I had mentioned in my anonymous letter that I had realized that the leaders of the church are human and not infallible. I wonder if she was trying to give me guidance on this issue.

Also, she talked about how sometimes people close to us will choose the wrong path, but even if it is a spouse, child, sibling or parent, we should remember that it is more important to follow the lord and keep the commandments than to side with the loved one.

She talked about how Zion does not have to be a particular place. It can even be anytime the saints gather, where we can feel peace in the gospel together. I thought at that point that I was not really feeling peace at all, sitting in this gathering place called Relief Society, with the “Saints.”

But then during the closing hymn (I actually chose the hymn to fit the lesson and led it), I felt chills through my body and interpreted it to be the spirit. I’m not sure what message I was supposed to get from that. It was hymn number 47, “We Will Sing of Zion.” Even now as I re-read the words of the hymn, I don’t understand a direct message to me. Maybe I was just supposed to feel peace, and often music will do that for me.

The next day, I prayed to understand why the hymn had affected me. I read through the words. I let my mind wander as I prayed. My mind started going through a script of bearing my testimony in sacrament meeting, sharing with the ward that it might be the last time they would hear me because the spirit had directed our family to leave the church so that we could find peace, or Zion for ourselves, if you will.

After thinking about that experience for the last month, I don’t think I was being directed to leave the church. The spirit was just letting me know that it was an option if at some point I needed it to find peace. And maybe to also help me understand why some people in our situation do chose to leave the church

But I am not giving up yet. Other things have tested me the last couple of years, given me a desire to quit church, but nothing as strong as this. Now, though, I am more determined than ever to stay active.

This morning Scott and I were talking about how important it is for us (and others like us) to stay active in the church if we are to be successful in spreading knowledge, understanding and tolerance about what it means to be gay, and more specifically, what it means to be an active gay Mormon and supportive family. We have to be pioneers of sorts, facing hardships, to pave the way and make it easier for future gay Mormons to be at peace with being active members of the church.