Mormons Building Bridges

A short time before the Salt Lake Gay Pride celebration, I was added to a Facebook group titled "Mormons Building Bridges". Within this group the plans for marching in the parade were organized and finalized. But now that the parade is over, the conversations continue, and people are posting about their wonderful experiences from pride, but also about other experiences and interactions within their LDS church buildings and/or with their friends and ward members.

This week, one man named Nic posted this beautiful experience that must be shared:

"Today at church in a Father's Day talk, a member went off about how society is going down on the backs of the iniquity of homosexuals everywhere, gays are no better than animals and gay marriage will destroy families and gay parents destroy children, how evil homosexuality is and how ashamed they should be for corrupting things God intended otherwise.

Given my internal compass I am not offended by this but I looked around at everyone and wondered who else could be gay and hearing this. I tried to be cured and was in a hetero marriage that ended in divorce but I am a Dad as well. After sacrament I took this brother--he is a good man btw--in the hall and talked with him. I just told him I was gay and started testifying of the deep struggles I had for years trying to be cured. How much I love my kids and try to be the best Dad to them. How I did not choose this and I have an undeniable testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ including a strong relationship with them. And an even deeper testimony that they have always known I was gay, have never treated me differently and loved me even though I am gay.

His face turned more and more pale white as I talked. I looked up at him to notice at the end tears streaming down his face. This is a brother I have befriended, helped through struggles, helped with his house and moving, helped him anytime he needed it and always smiled and asked how he was doing. He said, "I just can't stop crying I feel the spirit so strong right now. I am so, so sorry. I, I, I didn't know I mean you have kids, I mean I need to repent so bad. You're gay? That entirely changes everything I have ever felt or been taught about gay people." He hugged me and kept crying. And apologized several more times. I told him even more than me I worried about others who heard it and their thoughts and feelings. He said "I will go to the Bishop and ask him how I can correct this, so I can share what I have learned and my apology." So he did.

Contention comes from one place, not God. We too easily politicize everything but souls are not political pawns to be played with. They are beautiful, intrinsically worth it children of God! Miracles happen as we reach out in love and understanding ONE soul at a time! I know this works as we have the courage to be ourselves and testify of true principles!"

In the group, we asked Nic if the branch president had addressed the issue at all. Nic shared the following details:

"The branch president stood up and interrupted the talk to end the meeting. His son had come up and grabbed his hand (a toddler). I got up and approached the brother asking him if I could have a word with him in the hallway.

The branch president asked everyone if they could stay in the chapel. I don't know what he said exactly but my piano teacher in the ward said he bore his testimony about growing up an anti-gay bully and bigot. He told them how he counseled a person who had struggled so much and been through so much as a gay person. He prayed and fasted for them. He was filled with the love Heavenly Father and the Savior had for this gay child of God. He told them how he had a complete change of heart, shed tears over how much he loved this person and they are still best friends to this day.

That's the short version but apparently there was not a dry eye in the place. He didn't name me but that gay person is me. He has had a complete and miraculous change of heart. He is so loving. I love him dearly. He has taken heat from those who know I am gay who have called him a "faggot sympathizer." He is truly one of my best friends. He has given a 5th Sunday lesson on loving and embracing gay members of the church that I wrote for him called, "The Worth of a Soul."

Unfortunately, the brother giving the talk was gone. But all things in their time and this turned out to be a great lesson for everyone involved. When Elder Holland visited my mission in North Carolina he told me something when I spoke to him I will never ever forget. He said, "Most people do not experience miracles because they do not live out where miracles happen." I determined I would be a person who lives "out where miracles happen." Anyone else can choose to do the same. Nothing special about me!
I always operate on love. I can't hate people; I love them too much! I see them as Heavenly Father and the Savior see them and feel their love for them too strongly. I have even been beaten and harmed for being gay. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel sorrow for those who did it and how much they must struggle inside to be able to do that to someone. I forgive and hope Heavenly Father and the Savior love them, heal them and give them peace."

Someday I hope to be as calmly vocal and as forgiving as Nic is, so that I can feel comfortable going back to church regularly and build bridges like he has. I told him that I would love to chat with him sometime about how to begin forgiving leaders and family members. In response, he shared a link to this talk by President Faust, which I plan to read soon.

God bless our leaders and other members to open their hearts and truly feel the spirit of love in the message that many of us have to share. Bless us to calmly stand on the side of love and avoid contention and be non-judgmental and forgiving as we do!

Revelation

Is revelation a call to obedience, or a gift of God's love?

With the onset of summer break came the courage for me to attend some LDS church meetings yesterday. During the school year, a bad Sunday carries over to a miserable Monday--I call it an emotional hangover. But any resulting stress from Sunday is easier to handle on Monday if I don't have to face classrooms full of teenagers while still distraught.

I actually intended to attend my entire three hour block of church--something I haven't done for nearly a year. But then I found out that one of my dear straight spouse friends was teaching a lesson on revelation in her relief society meeting at the same time as my sacrament meeting, so I decided to go there instead.

My friend focused on personal revelation, and had mentioned that while preparing the lesson that she felt she should focus on God's love.

A few days earlier some of us on an online straight spouse support group were discussing the challenge of reconciling our personal revelation and views on homosexuality with church "doctrine". One incredibly wise and spiritual woman among us shared her beautiful thoughts:

I felt really caught in the middle for a long time: President Packer and others so sure their revelation was correct, my gay husband having such immense spiritual experiences when he FINALLY got the courage to ask God if he were even loved, and then if it is okay to be gay. Both men asking opposite questions and coming away positive they are correct. When I finally pleaded with my Heavenly Father, telling him I didn't know...I had absolutely no idea which idea was correct, I felt an outpouring of love. My answer was simply "I love you, it will be okay". And I knew that was true. I really think that maybe some pray, so convinced of what the answer will be before they even ask the question, that God simply says "I love you" and that amazing feeling is interpreted as a definitive answer that "I am right". This is my favorite quote from Elder Uctdorf, and I think it hits the nail on the head:

"Brothers and sisters, as good as our previous experience may be, if we stop asking questions, stop thinking, stop pondering, we can thwart the revelations of the Spirit. Remember, it was the questions young Joseph asked that opened the door for the restoration of all things. We can block the growth and knowledge our Heavenly Father intends for us. How often has the Holy Spirit tried to tell us something we needed to know but couldn’t get past the massive iron gate of what we thought we already knew?" DIETER F. UCHTDORF

I think that it is important that we move forward, based on the dictates of our conscience. As we move, as we continue to search and pray, we come to slowly understand more and more the mind of God. It is a journey. We may not have the complete answers in our lifetime, but if we act on what we truly feel is right and good, we will be okay. It is as I move forward that I become more convinced that I am doing what is best for me and my family. When I first start on any given path, I'm not sure. As I move forward, I either go....ummm....yea, this isn't feeling right. So I move in a different direction, until what I'm doing feels right. Then I move full speed ahead! I am sure my understanding of homosexuality will change over time and my ideas will become more fully developed and closer to the truth. And that is okay. It is part of life. Do I have very strong convictions and beliefs on homosexuality YES. Do they differ from those of respected church leaders? In some instances yes, in others, who knows? I do think that we are on the brink of further revelation. All the wonderful strides that are being made in the world to accept and love each other are setting the foundation. I hope to help others start to think and to question so that we may be ready as the changes come.

Back to my friend's lesson. Toward the beginning there were some comments made regarding leaders receiving revelation for us and our role to be obedient to them. I felt myself becoming obstinate and angry. This is my most common inner reaction any time I attend church meetings, and that is why I go so seldom. I frequently feel angry and tense. But as the lesson went on, my attitude softened, and by the end I was feeling a need for my own love and patience with church leaders and members.

For most of the lesson my friend was the facilitator, asking for a few quotes or scriptures to be read and then asking the reader what they thought. Personal experiences were shared and I gained some insight. She mentioned to me later that it had been a really hard lesson for her to prepare, so she really needed the comments from the class to teach the lesson. And they did.

One sister spoke of praying regarding doubts to marrying her fiancé, and she asked for a black and white answer. She felt God's love for her when she happened to see some texts on her fiance's phone in black and white, and she knew that was her answer to breaking the engagement. I couldn't help but remember my own doubts when I was engaged to Scott. I've blogged about this long ago, but I don't think it was a strong black-and-white prompting. Rather, I think of it more as God's sadness in knowing the difficult yet important journey of which I was about to embark.

Another sister spoke of the scripture from the Book of Mormon where Alma says "O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!" but then he realizes that God is in charge. People must be ready to hear the message, and God knows when that is. I've always thought of this scripture in terms of missionary work, but this time I personally took it with my own desire for gay rights activism, and a message from God to me to be patient. I felt the same message again at an LGBTQ church-approved fireside last night when the brother giving the closing prayer specifically asked that we might be blessed with patience for our leaders and family members. It must have been something I needed to hear.

Another comment was made regarding revelation and spirituality that made me think; someone said, "what we put into it is what we get out of it". I am really struggling with the direction the kids and I should go with regards to church attendance, but I have also become lax in the things that will help me be able to receive that revelation, like prayer and scripture study. I guess I need to decide how serious I am about getting an answer. Maybe I don't really want an answer right now. Maybe I just want to enjoy my break a bit longer, and so putting the effort in might mean getting an answer out that I am not yet ready to hear. I'm afraid of it regardless of whether it is to stay in the church or to leave it. Both solutions terrify me.

Needless to say, I left the first meeting uplifted and ready to attend another. I called the kids at home and said that whoever was willing to go to church with me should get ready because I would be home soon.

My daughter and toddler came with me (can you believe he is almost 2!?) and he attended the nursery for the first time ever. :)

As I approached the relief society room, men that were leaving Sunday school extended quick but heartfelt hello's and big smiles. One man asked, "Come back to visit, huh?" I thought he was teasing me, when he in fact was under the impression I had moved because he hadn't seen me for so long. When he found that out, his insistence that I not be inactive gave me that same stubborn, chip-on-my-shoulder feeling again that had dissipated so nicely during the previous hour. I thought about all the times that as a true-believing-Mormon I had done the same, probably over welcoming less active members when they did come, and I felt a little bit bad about it, but also a little bit more patient with the members for their good intentions. I wanted to just sit in the back and blend into the woodwork. A friend reminded me that I would have to come on a regular basis again for that to happen, LOL.

Sit in the back I did, with some very good friends with which I could banter and mutter under my breath to ease my anxiety. The teacher began handing out quotes to be read, and told us she was starting at the back because she usually always starts at the front. I looked at my quote and dread came over me. I seriously considered leaving. The quote was about the prophet receiving revelation and our requirement to sustain and obey and not be judgmental of him and his words. I asked the teacher if it was okay for me to read something I didn't believe, and she said she hoped I believed it, but I muttered something and gave her a look to indicate that I really wasn't sure that I did. Then my friend next to me showed me the quote she was to read, and I was grateful I had the one I did and not hers, which said: We have had misguided souls in the Church who have, in their ignorance, opposed the advice of the [President of the Church], not sensing the fact that they were opposing the Lord and they have fallen into darkness and sorrow, and unless they repent they will not find a place in the celestial kingdom. Ug. Then my friend opened her lesson manual and I was shocked to see the title and know that it was the same lesson I had attended that morning in my friend's ward.

I read my quote and listened to the other quotes be read and I distracted myself by texting my friend and searching for President Uchtdorf's quote on Facebook. The discussion went on in the background: our leaders receive revelation for us from God. We are required to follow them. We do not get to pick and choose what we believe. We can receive revelation for ourselves and our families/children, but not for our ward or for the church.

I was determined that when the topic changed from leaders to personal revelation, that I would raise my hand and share President Uchtdorf's quote. At least I hoped the lesson would go there, and finally it did. And I raised my hand, and I shared and a lovely discussion ensued. The relief society president leaned toward me from a nearby row and asked me to send the quote by Facebook message to her later.

One of the most memorable comments was from a sister regarding her daughter's rocky marriage. She said she prayed for the marriage to be saved and left intact; for the conflicts to go away. But she was always left with a "stupor of thought." Finally she figured out that it was none of her business, and worded her prayers differently. After the lesson I thanked her for her comment and shared my own similar experience, just a feeling I've had with regards to prayers for me.

At the peak of my struggle with attending church a few months ago, I was so conflicted. As you know, going to church made me miserable and panicky, but staying home I felt guilty. One time when my mother-in-law mentioned that they always pray for me and Scott and the kids, something occurred to me. I thanked her graciously but then asked she be sure she was praying for us to find peace and make the right decisions for our family, rather than praying for us to go back to our regular church attendance. She didn't comment, but staying home and finding peace in my journey seemed easier after that. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I don't think so.

After church I didn't feel the usual burden and I didn't think I was going to have to deal with an "emotional hangover" today. Yay! I posted the following on facebook:

It was interesting to go to the same relief society lesson on revelation twice today, taught by two different people. It was really like two completely different lessons. One was in my ward and focused a lot on following our leaders and the revelation they receive. The other was taught by a straight spouse friend of mine and focused on personal revelation and feeling God's love. I learned from both of them--not necessarily the message of the lesson itself, but more from comments and personal experiences. I do not regret attending either of them. It was so good to see friends that I don't see otherwise in my own ward.


The day ended with a wonderful fireside and conversations with fabulous LGBTQ and Mormon ally friends. Not sure what I will do about church next week, but it was an amazing and peaceful step for me yesterday. I was able to endure what could have been a devastating lesson and instead keep confidence in my own beliefs and in my own personal revelation. I am grateful for the experience, and extremely grateful for good friends, or angels, that God has placed in my path.

Interfaith Service

So many things to blog about.... Well, here is a quick post. Mormon Stories Circling the Wagons Conference from November 2011--the interfaith service was my favorite part, and I was even asked to participate. Here it is if you missed it or want to re-watch it. (My part is just a scripture reading and is probably the least exciting of the service. It starts at about 14:15.)

Alternate Paths

I actually went to Sacrament meeting yesterday. The talk was on progression, specifically on eternal progression.

The speaker made tremendous effort to prevent feelings of guilt throughout her talk. She spoke of her own weaknesses, she spoke of trials, she spoke of how sometimes we fall off the path. And that is okay, because we can get back on the path to eternal life.

I wasn't offended by the meeting, and I really enjoyed seeing some friends and singing the hymns, but I realized that I really don't belong there any more.

The thought I had was that some people probably think I have fallen or am falling off the path. But even if I have, aren't I just on a different path? Some paths lead the some place, some paths lead to different places. If the path is a peaceful and happy one, then it seems that it would end up in a similar location. I really hope to find that peaceful path soon, because I am pretty sure it is not within the church.

My father-in-law referenced an article in Mormon Times recently, about a gay man that has joined the church and is happy living church standards, even though he has AIDS and previously lived the gay lifestyle. Scott's dad's comment was that "it can be done" as though anyone can do it. I was quick and firm to correct him. That might be the right path for some people. But just because it is right for and can be done by one person does not mean it is right and can be done by everyone. He also talked to me about the fact that there are still people in the church that are supportive of gay rights, and that are even activists. He was trying to tell me that I could do it too, but again, I tried to convince him that just because some can do it, doesn't mean everyone can, and that I think I've decided that is not the right path for me. At least not right now, and maybe never again. All I know is that I take life one day at a time, seeking peace for me and my children.

There has been interesting news lately confirming that the LDS church actually is losing a lot of members. (Duh!) Former church historian Marlin K. Jensen shared some of the details and concerns, as seen in this article from the Salt Lake Tribune, or this clip from an ABC4 news cast:



Here are comments from interviewees in the newscast that bothered me a bit. They really have no idea...

• "I'm from Chile, and down there a lot of people just stop attending. They take it a little bit too casual."
• "If people are leaving, I think it's really a mark that we all need to get deeper into our faith."
• "When life is going good, and we don't have as many challenges, sometimes we don't turn to God."
• "It does come down to us, as members of the church we need to go out there and do our part."

Most of the people I know that have left or are leaving have not taken leaving casually at all. I have been one of the LEAST casual. Also, I was one of the most faithful members I know, and I don't think I could have been any deeper into my faith. My life is good and challenge-free so I don't need God? HAHAHAHA! The last comment makes me think of how I know the church works with trying to reactivate. I used to do it! Me and my kids are tired of people saying "Where have you been?" or "We miss you." or "Why don't you come any more?" I really appreciate people that don't ask me that, and instead, ask me how I really am, and really try to be my friend.


Some of you might have seen this before, but here is a presentation by John Dehlin, founder of Mormon Stories Foundation, that talks about why people leave the LDS church and what friends and family can do. The problem I see with it is that the people who need it most are probably not willing to listen to it.



I'm hearing and learning of more and more people that are leaving because of historical facts they are finding on the internet. When Scott first shared some of these details with me, it did not affect my testimony, because I know that prophets are men and make mistakes (something with which my Stake President and many other TBMs fiercely disagree), I know that things change and evolve in the church as needed, and I have always had a strong testimony of things like Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon, and of course of God and Christ.

Rather than the historical controversies themselves, I am more bothered by the fact that the church is not honest with its history. By the fact that members are encouraged to follow the prophet over personal revelation, or rather the idea that we should seek personal revelation to see that something the church says or does IS true and right, rather than to find out IF it is true. The fact that Mormon parents try to hide things from their children, like the existance of gay people, and keep them in an environment of closed-mindedness instead of teaching and encouraging them to think for themselves and make their own decisions and mistakes.

And like something I recently discovered in my own ward--parents withholding priveleges from youth, like dating or driving, until the child has earned their eagle scout or young womanhood medalian. And worse yet, it was done at the recommendation of the Bishop!

The behavior of TBMs (True Believing Mormons) like Scott's sibblings that won't let him bring a date to family parties or let their children find out that Uncle Scott is gay, like next door neighbors that don't allow their children to play at my house, or like the situation I described in the above paragraph are doing much more harm to my staying in the church than any weird historical stories from church history. Maybe it is because of my love for youth, for the kids I teach at school, especially the ones in the GSA club, that these things bother me so much!

I am grateful for a mother that taught me by example to be open-minded, to question, to be self-motivated. I accomplished things like earning my Young Womanhood medalian or graduating from seminary because I wanted to, not because I was bribed or threatened. I'm not sure she is glad that she set that example, as she is really concerned right now with the path the children and I appear to be heading down with regards to the church. But I think that she is the reason I still have a testimony.

I've watched others that came from TBM homes that when they find out about church history and start to question, everything that they thought they once believed breaks into a million pieces. They are not able to hang on to any pieces of their testimony as a result, which is sad. I rejoice in my testimony of God, of a life after death, of my Savior and redeemer Jesus Christ. I still love passages from the book of Mormon that have brought so much peace and understanding and hope to my life for nearly 40 years. Where-ever my path may end up, I cannot imagine ever denying these aspects of my testimony that were once so strong. But I also do not judge those who don't believe, who find peace and happiness in other paths like atheism. At least I try not to judge them, but I know I still have work to do in that area. Which is a whole different blogpost entirely!

Separation

Separation has been good to us. Scott and I have both grown and found happiness in so many ways by increasing the distance between us. Last night we went to dinner to celebrate our upcoming 16th wedding anniversary. It was pleasant as we enjoyed a wonderful meal together, chit chatting about miscellaneous things as well as updating each other on how our lives are going, especially on how everything is going financially as we have been working on getting new, separate accounts and dividing debts and bills.

I know that a lot of outside people looking in feel bad for me. Many of them blame Scott, from mild disappointment to outright "he is consumed by evil spirits" judgement. But the hard part has not been the change in my relationship with Scott--most of that actually happened last summer when he moved downstairs. (Our 15th anniversary was much more difficult for me than our 16th will be.) The hardest part is the change that has come over the past year with extended family. I gave the book "Gay Mormons?" to all of our siblings and to our parents for mother's day. One of my siblings (and spouse) told my parents that they did not plan to read it at all. That spurred on a conversation between them and me that ended with me saying that I didn't want to talk until they were willing to read and learn and talk about the elephant in the room. Things have obviously been very quiet and awkward between us ever since. Meanwhile, in Scott's family, some family members that were accepting at first have become unacceptable, some that have been quiet have remained quiet, and some that were making great efforts have now hit an impassible brick wall.

What is the impassible brick wall? Church "doctrine". Doctrines like the word of wisdom and the family proclamation, "scriptural" quotes like "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God." For a year or a bit more, since Scott started dating guys and drinking occasionally, he has been very uncomfortable hanging out around his family. They have treated him nicely and made every effort to appreciate and include him, so they don't understand why it isn't enough.

Two or three weeks ago he wrote them a letter telling them that he is done associating with them unless they are willing and able to make changes to how they act and feel about our situation. The straw that broke the camel's back was his brother's unwillingness to tell his daughters (ages 10 and 13) about "Uncle Scott". There was a family BBQ while this brother and his family were in town, and Scott refused to attend. I expressed to my in-laws that I did not want to have to answer everyone's "Where is Scott?" question. So the brother sat down with his girls and told them that Scott and I are separated and getting divorced, to which the girls asked why, and the parents lied and said, "We don't know exactly. Things like this happen sometimes."

Scott was livid, and thus he wrote a letter. (Maybe I will get his permission to post it, or ask him to put it on his blog.) He and I talked about it again last night over dinner, because I have been with his family enough to know how much they are hurting from missing him, and how helpless they feel. They are at such a loss for how to handle it and what to do. I've told them a lot of things about how Scott is feeling, but I really don't know how to help if they are convinced that the church is never wrong. And part of me wishes that he could just let their disappointment roll off his back and continue to associate with them anyway.

But he helped me last night to understand. I am not him and cannot personally feel the pain he is feeling, but if he says distance from his family is a necessity for him, how can I judge that? His comment to me about it last night was, "Until they agree that the church is wrong with the gay issue, I cannot be around them, because regardless of how much they say they love me, there will always be a "but..."

I still feel like church is the place for me to be. I have good friends there. I have opportunities to learn and grow from interactions (and help others to do the same.) But of course my feelings for the church and my place within it are up and down, and I have realized that there is no way I can predict where my church attendance and membership will end up. I sit through the lessons, occasionally touched by a sentence or a feeling here or there, but trying not to be hurt or offended by things that could easily hurt me, like the last few lessons on eternal marriage. (One of the teachers said she couldn't get me out of her mind while preparing her lesson and hoped that she had been able to teach it without it being too hard on me. The worst part was realizing that when she said "some of us marry goobers" that she was thinking of Scott as a "goober." I do not blame her for her good intentions, but I do get tired of people making Scott out to be the "bad guy.")

So there I was today, doing my best to recognize that the correlated lesson material comes from the church, quotes from church leaders etc., in which many members place their unquestioning faith. The lesson today was on the law of chastity, and the following quote was read:

Like other violations of the law of chastity, homosexual behavior is a serious sin. Latter-day prophets have spoken about the dangers of homosexual behavior and about the Church’s concern for people who may have such inclinations. President Gordon B. Hinckley said:

“In the first place, we believe that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. We believe that marriage may be eternal through exercise of the power of the everlasting priesthood in the house of the Lord.

“People inquire about our position on those who consider themselves so-called gays and lesbians. My response is that we love them as sons and daughters of God. They may have certain inclinations which are powerful and which may be difficult to control. Most people have inclinations of one kind or another at various times. If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church. If they violate the law of chastity and the moral standards of the Church, then they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others are.

“We want to help these people, to strengthen them, to assist them with their problems and to help them with their difficulties. But we cannot stand idle if they indulge in immoral activity, if they try to uphold and defend and live in a so-called same-sex marriage situation. To permit such would be to make light of the very serious and sacred foundation of God-sanctioned marriage and its very purpose, the rearing of families” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1998, 91; or Ensign, Nov. 1998, 71).

So, sitting through that bunk was hard enough, but then the first words out of the teacher's mouth after the quote was read was something having to do with following the prophet.

I got up and walked out. I was calm. But I knew if I stayed, I wouldn't stay calm, and I would either turn into a pile of mush, or I would say what was on my mind. Either option would not be pretty or appropriate for the meeting. Walking out was the better option. The Relief Society president followed me. She tried to hug me and said she was sorry that the lesson was hard on me. I responded that I could not deny support of my gay friends to marry. She shrugged and said something about church doctrine or teachings or something. I told her I was alright and just had to leave the situation for a bit. Then I left her and went outside and took a walk around the building. Then I came inside and took another walk around the inside air-conditioned building. I needed/wanted to go back, but I had to get it out of my system first. Should I call Scott? No... I know! I will post it on Facebook. That way people in the ward will even see it. Family will see it. And they will see where my loyalties lie: with love, with God, and with my friends.

Here is my post:
"I have to say what I couldn't say in Relief Society. (Instead I walked out.) In my heart I know that my gay friends' marriages are approved by God. I've been in attendance at them and the feeling of happiness and hope was similar to attending a temple marriage. I don't give a sh* what the effin prophets say."

With that post and resulting accolades from LGBTQ friends and allies, I was reminded of three years ago when my struggle was to understand God's position on gay rights. I kept praying and praying, and the answer finally came from my patriarchal blessing: "You have been given the talent to believe and accept truth." As I think of that again today, I feel confidently that God was and is telling me to trust my heart. If I believe that he approves of gay marriage, and I accept that belief, and I have a talent for accepting truth, then logically it must be truth.

I'm not sure this fits in this blog post, but another thing that occurred to me recently is that maybe leaders and general conference talks are pushing the topic of "Following the prophet. Follow your inspired leaders." because someday many church members may have a hard time following and agreeing with new church policies regarding homosexuals. Who knows? :)

Clarity and faith

The week following my last post, I took the time to do some serious thinking and feeling. I was encouraged in part to do so because of an email Scott sent to me that explained some of the reasons his testimony has evaporated. I felt a need to attend the temple to seek some answers.

Here are some of my thoughts during my drive on the way there, and then while sitting on the temple grounds after doing some initiatory work. Some of the thoughts stem from Scott's words, which I am choosing not to post.

• Yes, there are other churches with good and bad pieces, with people that will be rewarded for their good works and faith.
• God lives. Jesus is the Christ.
• It does not matter if leaders are perfect or not, if church history is twisted, if policies change, if it seems sometimes that things are so conflicting, contradictory, hypocritical. God allows things to happen, mistakes to be made, for a reason.
• Culture...Life...Policies...Ways of doing things are ever changing, and always will be changing. But God is the same forever. He loves all of us--liberals, conservatives, atheists, believers--and he knows what is in our hearts, how our experiences have brought us each to where we are. No one but Him can truly judge why each of us act or think the ways we do. He allows changes to happen when and how is best. Key word there that I feel strongly about is "allow." We have our agency--each of us, even church leaders. But just like cleaning a room, where sometimes it has to get messier first before it improves, God is doing his own cleaning using agency, and we cannot yet see where the end result will be. But all will be well. We must have faith. We cannot forget the testimony-building experiences in our individual pasts just because it is a little messy now.
• The contradictions and the call for obedience, and what often seems like blind obedience, are frustrating. I know that. I have felt and experienced that in many ways over the years. What does matter is doing the best we can with what we've got. Finding a place, a religion, a philosophy that works best for each of us, whether that be where we are most comfortable or where we have the greatest opportunity for growth, and often where we can help others grow along with us.

I began to relate these thoughts to me personally, to something that helps me understand why God and church leaders do the things they do, why obedience is so important, and why change in what once seemed like the unchangeable sometimes happens.

Over the 13 years of being a teacher, my policies have also been ever-changing. I try one thing, and then the next year or semester I tweak or completely change something. But while that policy is in place, I try to be consistent in enforcing it. Students sometimes question my policies. Sometimes I explain, sometimes I say it just is the way it is so deal with it. Despite my efforts to be consistent (justice), there are exceptions (mercy), or there are times when I help a student all that I can to meet my own policy, wishing I didn't have to enforce it for that student, but making up the difference so it works out. If a student really desires not to fail, I make it possible for them not to fail, as long as they follow make-up tasks I give them, which are often quite easy. Despite the easiness, many still do not listen to know what they can do, or they don't care, or they don't even try. Someday they might regret it. Some will do credit recovery. Some will drop out and never graduate. Some will get their GED later. There are different paths to get the same place, and some take much longer, and some are just different.

Sometime within the last couple of years, when one of my neighbors bore her testimony in Sacrament meeting, she spoke of her family hiking to delicate arch. She mentioned that her older son ended up going a different way, but he still made it there. She related it to this life, and how some of us follow the marked trail, others of us follow other trails that end up the same place. Some trails might be more difficult than others, or one that is difficult for one person is amazingly right for another person. Sometimes we think someone is lost, but they are just going a different way. I don't remember exactly what she said, and I might be adding some of my own thoughts, but you get the idea.

We recently went to Arches National Park as a family. The trail to delicate arch was harder than I remembered, but the end result was also more spectacular than I remembered from the last time I was there 20 + years ago. I thought of this friend's testimony and analogy to life. Life is hard, we all follow our own path, and the path that someone follows may be right for that person even though it is not for another.

Many people like to quote scriptures that I feel like they are directing at people like me, like "straight is the path and narrow the way that leads to eternal life." For some that may be true. The "straight and narrow path" of the "tree of life" analogy in the Book of Mormon is just another analogy--an analogy that some can relate to but others cannot. I think I might want to spend some more time thinking about Lehi's dream of the tree of life, and determining what it means for me personally, finding myself there, and understanding how the "great and spacious building" fits in. Stay tuned for that one...

A little side note of thoughts that I gleaned from my time in the temple itself:

1. I am blessed to know the difference between truth and error. I couldn't stop thinking about a line in my patriarchal blessing that says I have a talent to believe and accept truth. I realized that I inherintly know that God lives, that the basic gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and that is all that matters. Strange historical facts from the early days of the church that tear apart peoples' testimonies--I don't need to know if that is true or not. It doesn't matter. I can still know in my heart that Joseph Smith was a prophet that spoke to God.

2. I should listen to the council of my husband and the council of God. Scott has much good insight. The same email contained some advice for me regarding the children, about being more consistant in requiring them to be responsible with their chores. I can do better. I am trying to do better, and hopefully that will make the summer break and life in general easier for all of us.

3. I will be protected from the destroyer. I'm leaving out some details because these are sacred words from the temple, and I feel like it is not appropriate for me to say more. But I was impressed that I am doing what is right to keep myself safe from the clutches of Satan, that I am truly not the evil I that I wondered if I could be after reading that talk in last month's Ensign magazine.

One of the main things I did the night I received Scott's email and the following morning at the temple was pondering spiritual experiences in my past, experiences that I simply cannot deny coming from a loving Heavenly Father. Even as I write this, I feel overwhelmed by his love for all of his children, gay or straight, citizen or alien, believing member or cynical x-member. He loves all of us and focuses on the good in each of us. And eventually we will all end up where we are supposed to be. Maybe exhaultation is easier to get to than we think it is, or maybe the Celestial Kingdom is simply not the right place for everyone. I don't know. All I know is that I am at peace with where I am, with my activity in the church. And if Scott (and many others that I know that have resigned their church membership) is at peace with where he is, then maybe that is what is right for him. Maybe someday he will come back. Maybe he won't. But he is still a good man, and God knows that and can judge that when no one else can.

Charity

The lesson in Relief Society last week was on charity. We have a new teacher who is  down to earth and sincere, and I really enjoyed her presentation of the lesson.

When she began the lesson, I opened it up on my cell phone, skimmed it through, and then set my phone down to listen. As I listened, the words I skimmed from the last portion of the written lesson stayed clear in my mind, and I felt like I might want to comment when we began discussing that portion. I don't tend to comment in relief society any more because when I feel like I have something worth saying, it usually contradicts what I assume is the majority view in the room.

The first paragraph of the lesson is a summary, and it says:

"The life of the Savior reflects His pure love for all people. He even gave His life for us. Charity is that pure love which our Savior Jesus Christ has. He has commanded us to love one another as He loves us. The scriptures tell us that charity comes from a pure heart (see 1 Timothy 1:5). We have pure love when, from the heart, we show genuine concern and compassion for all our brothers and sisters."

The last part of the lesson talks about loving all people, even if we don't approve of something about them.

"Even when we give to those in need, unless we feel compassion for them we do not have charity (see 1 John 3:16-17). The Apostle Paul taught that when we have charity we are filled with good feelings for all people. We are patient and kind. We are not boastful or proud, selfish or rude. When we have charity we do not remember or rejoice in the evil others have done..."

"The Savior was our example of how to feel toward and treat others. He despised wickedness, but He loved sinners in spite of their sins..."

Toward the end of the lesson, after another sweet sister expressed that charity includes not judging others for any reason, I felt like I should comment, and I raised my hand. I started by saying I hoped I could express myself appropriately, but that experiences in my life with my friends over the last couple of years had taught me that there is really no such thing as "love the sinner, but hate the sin." In order to truly love someone, we need to overlook the things we don't approve of. That doesn't mean we need to embrace those things ourselves, but it is usually best not to lecture people about what we believe they are doing wrong. In most cases they already know how we feel. I became slightly emotional as I mentioned that if I had not learned to embrace this attitude, that the current state of my family and daily life for my children would be much more difficult.

The teacher thanked me for my comment and moved on. I'm sure there are people who do not agree with me, that would rather follow the advice from church leaders that we have a responsibility to call our brothers and sisters to repentance. That is apparently how we truly show our love for them. But I have to disagree, and I hope my comment helped others to think about the gray area of showing true charity.

What Would Jesus Do?

I recently found out about a very interesting website.

I'm sure many would consider it the teachings of men, mingled with scripture. But regardless, it presents an interesting view (with possible scriptural evidence) of the way Christ may have viewed and treated gay people in the time he lived here on the Earth. I found it very interesting and feel that it personifies the Christ I believe in.

http://wouldjesusdiscriminate.org/

Here are summaries from two of the six scripture passages that the sight expounds on.

Matthew 8:5-13
The Greek word that the Roman centurion uses in this passage to describe the sick man – pais – is the same word used in ancient Greek to refer to a same-gender partner.

Matthew 19:10-12
Here Jesus refers to "eunuchs who have been so from birth." This terminology ("born eunuchs") was used in the ancient world to refer to homosexual men. Jesus indicates that being a "born eunuch" is a gift from God.

In God's Hands

Testimony meeting today focused on baptism and basic gospel principles, gratitude for the gospel and temple. We had a convert baptism yesterday, confirmation today. There was also a family in the ward that baptized a child yesterday.

I left the chapel right after the sacrament to go to the "mother's" room to feed the baby. It was the perfect seat for the meeting: a cushy rocker, Sebastian snuggled against me asleep, no other children to distract me, clear sound from the microphone piped into the room. The words of each testimony touched me and lifted me up.

My current bishop spoke of a time when he was not active, of leaders coming to his home and inviting him to church. He had attended as a child, but then he wanted nothing to do with it. A miracle occurred, and he suddenly saw the light that everyone was trying to tell him of, that he had never seen before. And somehow everything came together and made sense and had to be true. And now he rejoices in seeing others find that same light and truth.

The stake patriarch (our bishop when we first moved in this ward) spoke of spending the day in the temple yesterday, filling gaps in his and his wife's families (aka sealings) that should have been done long ago. He spoke of a temple worker that said Satan likes to see us worrying. We will do much better if we can stop worrying and put everything in God's hands and have faith that things will work out.

Many spoke of Gods love, how he loves each of us so much individually. He is aware of our struggles and everything going on in our lives. He loves us no matter what we've done or where we are in our journeys.

A child spoke of attending a friend's baptism yesterday. I thought about the child. He is usually happy and always helpful. My boys and nephew walk home from school with him. When I pick them up, while my boys are fighting over who gets to sit where, this child gives up his seat to make someone else happy. When my nephew was having a bad day and decided to walk, this neighbor child volunteered to walk with him to let him through the shortcut in his yard. He carried the nephew's science fair project home for him this past week. At age 9, he is an amazing example of kindness and service.

My heart is full of gratitude today for my neighbors and friends in our ward. Not all of them handled Scott's coming out very well. But they are inherently good people, and I think many of them have learned from the experience with Scott and are better because of it.

In Sunday school we talked about Christ's example and teachings about loving and serving others.

We discussed how God works with bad things in our lives to make us or our circumstances actually better in the long run, whether the bad things are results of our choices or just things that happen.

The bishop commented about how far ahead he thought he would be if he had come back to church sooner. But we discussed how having that experience made him the understanding man that he is, because he's been there.

My brother and his wife went through a tough time a few years back, and they are struggling with their children now, which I feel is at least somewhat a result of the other thing. But my sister-in-law says that she now has the husband she had always wanted as a result of their trial.

Days like today make me feel like there is hope that someday Scott will come back to  the church and/or me and our marriage. I've told him that, and he cannot see that ever happening. I mentioned it to one of our friends, and he also became concerned that I was putting hope in something that is very unlikely. But for some reason, the spirit keeps putting it in my head, whether for some sort of comfort that I need right now (and that my children need), or because God knows all things from beginning to end.

All I can do is remember that my life is in God's hands, and that He will help me make the best of what I've got.

I've been dreading the upcoming holiday, "single-awareness day," some call it. But I am trying to think of it as "children appreciation day," and I'm working on obtaining the perfect gift for each of them. I love to doorbell-ditch gifts for them on the porch, the same way my mother did for me. Maybe I will take them all to dinner, too. The spaghetti factory would be great. And since it's Monday, and Scott has not yet found his special someone with whom to share the day, maybe he will join us, and it will be perfect.

I made a wish list before Christmas, and one item was a "mother's ring" to replace my wedding ring. So that is what Scott gave me for my birthday last month. It required resizing, and I just got it back yesterday, so today is the first day I've been able to enjoy wearing it. I found myself staring at it at church, showing it to some of my friends (same way I did with my engagement ring almost 16 years ago), and while doing so feeling extremely grateful for my five precious children, and so many other incredible blessings in my life.

Trust in the Lord

After missing three weeks of church for illness, appendectomy, and Pride of course, the kids and I finally all made it to church this past week for the entire block.

I gave it my best effort, attending half of Sunday School (more on that later) and all of Relief Society (in addition to Sacrament meeting, of course).

Scott prepared me for church that morning by saying, "Haven't you had that baby yet?" and "Wow, you look like you are ready to pop!" (Comments like I have heard at church toward the end of past pregnancies that have driven me crazy.  Some of the worst include "When are you going to squirt that baby out?" and "When are you due? (me: in like 2-3 months.) Oh, you look like you are due any minute!" (I chewed the lady out for that one. I was the choir director at the time, and she and her husband stopped coming to choir. Oh well.) In reality, though, everyone was really nice to me, sympathetic and encouraging that I could endure another three weeks.  It helped a lot that I felt good and was in a relatively good mood as well.

Sacrament meeting was presented by the missionaries serving in our Stake, and the topic was "Honor thy Father and thy Mother." I thought they did a pretty good job. They mentioned how parents should set a good example for their children in living the gospel and keeping the commandments. But what I really liked was when they emphasized that even if we have parents that are doing things we think are wrong, we can still honor them. They are our parents and it is a commandment to honor them regardless of how they act. I know Scott is confusing and concerning the children a bit, but this was a nice reminder for me (and maybe for the kids, if they were listening) that we can all still love and honor him for the wonderful man and father that he is.

The talks were short, so a member of the bishopric filled in a bit at the end, reminding us that at a recent Stake Conference (which means I was probably not there, since I have missed that last two) that the main topic and warning was that Satan is doing all he can to destroy the family. Then he rambled a bit about how that applies to honoring our parents, etc.

But my brain went a different direction. With the documentary coming out in theaters this week, and also closing arguments for the Proposition 8 trial in CA, it occurred to me that Satan is working SO hard to destroy the family that he is doing it from within the church, deceiving even the very elect. I wonder if the church leaders are yet understanding just how their efforts with the prop 8 campaign are destroying the family, or if they still have blinders on, thinking that all they have done has been to help and support the family. The church has had a major influence in trying to destroy my own family, and even Scott and my extended families.  And I know stories from some of our gay friends that show how the destruction in their families is even worse than it is in ours. Why can't they see how they are offending and driving people who are parts of families away from the church instead of just loving and accepting them? It has pinned fathers and mothers against gay children, brothers and sisters against gay siblings, and of course, don't forget the straight spouses and children that are based on a family structure that most of the time just does not work. HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE WORK OF SATAN? And why can't they see it? Why? Look at the contention it has caused, and contention is definitely of the devil.

Moving on...

Sunday School was about King Saul, and how he started out as a good king, but then little by little made small choices to disobey, rationalizing his choices, and trusting in himself more than in the Lord. Scott denies that he is doing this, but I really do wonder and worry about him. I read through his patriarchal blessing a couple of weeks ago, and was concerned about the warning in his blessing, mentioned more than once, not to get caught up in following the ways of the world. I thought of it again as I read this scripture during the lesson:

Proverbs 3: 5-8


Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.
It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

I found it interesting that a line from the Word of Wisdom is in this passage. In a recent blog post, Scott mentioned feeling that the Word of Wisdom was meant as a suggestion, which it was, I guess. But doesn't it all have to do with how it fits in this scripture?  God gives us commandments and suggestions, and I believe that each of us has our own path to follow, but if we make sure that God is directing that path (through personal revelation or scriptures or leaders or whatever touches our hearts as being for each of us from God), then we will more likely find happiness on that path. Scott says he feels like he is following the spirit in his decisions, and I hope he really is, that it is not just his own wisdom and understanding leading him along.

Then there is this scripture:

1 Samuel 16:7

But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

I think this scripture can go two ways. As I read it in context, the Lord was telling Samuel that even though someone seemed to be a good man, that the Lord could see his heart and knew otherwise. But I think in general that we can interpret this scripture to mean that it is for the Lord to judge, and not for us to make assumptions about anyone based on appearances. Scott is a good man with a good heart, but many church leaders, family, friends and blog readers, and even I have sometimes judged him too harshly, at least in my opinion.

Do I sound like I am confused about whether Scott is doing the right things or not? Definitely yes. In a nutshell, I am concerned, and I guess I long for the temple marriage and the perfect little church attending family that I once had to still be the same. But do I also know that Scott is a good man? Yes. And can I blame him for being so withdrawn from the church now after all we have been through with Prop 8 and local church leaders over the last 2 years? Definitely not. My concern is how his withdrawal from the church has pushed him more and more toward things of the world that he no longer has any problem with, but I do, and I worry about how our children might be influenced by that. Maybe it is good for them to see and then make their own choices.

Anyway, I should stop with the rambling and go back to the lesson...

At one point the teacher presented the question "Is there ever a time that it is okay to not follow the prophet?" One lady raised her hand and said, "No, never." The teacher responded that he thought there could be exceptions on occasion, but that the person should make absolutely sure that the personal revelation to them is accurate. I was glad for his comment, but I tire of the attitude of so many others, that we should pray to know that what the prophet says is true, not whether or not it is true. Like Scott has said before, why bother praying or seeking personal revelation at all if following the prophet blindly is what we are to do? What about Nephi, who chose to follow personal revelation to obtain the brass plates, instead of strict obedience to "Thou shalt not kill, lie, and steal."?

I was in a good mood, so I decided at that point to leave Sunday School so that I would not become angry and bitter about being there.

On the way home from church, I asked my daughter about her new Mia Maid class. She told me the lesson was on missionary work, and how a couple of girls shared personal experiences to go with the lesson. One girl was concerned (and emotional) that a couple of her older siblings are not involved in church any more, and it made her sad to think that they may not be able to attend her temple wedding someday. My daughter didn't say anything about that same issue affecting her, wondering if her own parents would be able to attend her future marriage. She wasn't emotional at all when she told me about the other girl crying. I wondered if she had thought about it, but I didn't ask. All I said to her was that I hoped I could get my temple recommend back sometime, that I am not a bad person, and I don't understand it, but I've stopped caring and stressing about it and pursuing it any more. I'm not willing to close my blog, so I guess I will just wait until some church leader tells me I can have it back. And since it is not likely they will call me in and offer it to me, maybe I will never have one again. Oh well. Typing those words don't even really phase me. I am tired of the battle and I am not going to fight it. I know that I am worthy of my recommend, and I know that God knows it, and I guess that will have to be enough for now.

Last week I received an email from another supportive straight spouse (or x-spouse, I guess) that I can totally relate to. This person said: 

"Why do we Mormons choose to look truth in the face and refuse to acknowledge it? Why do we believe logic and faith are incompatible?  Why do we turn our reason over to others that clearly exercise none?  Why do we turn over our reason and our will over to others?  Why am I still frustrated that the people I love and have admired all my life act like sheep?  Why do I let it hurt me that they will not listen, consider, or dignify what I have to say with so much as a thoughtful response? Why do I feel betrayed by their inability to see me as anything but deceived by the devil?   Why do I let it hurt me when now they look to my family for confirmation that we are screwing up, and refuse to see the many positive evidence of goodness?  Why does any of this even matter to me?  Why can I not be at peace with the knowledge that I am doing the right thing?"

 I wasn't sure what to tell them, other than I had all the same questions. But then I typed this response:

"You are more than welcome to vent. I do understand. All the same things, all of your questions in the first paragraph. I have not been to church for about 3 weeks because of illness (me or the kids) but I have not missed it. I plan to go Sunday, but it is just so different than it used to be because I am so different. The church will never be the same to me as it once was, and it is sad, like I've lost something incredible.

I will pray for you. It seems like those of us that are going through this have so many other things piling on us as well, and sometimes my brain wonders if it could be a punishment for my beliefs. I don't think so, though.  We are being tested in a refiners fire. Yes, maybe Satan is working overtime on us because he knows we are special, he knows we can have a huge influence in this battle as allies for those we love."

Do you think that my response was inspired?  That maybe, just maybe we are not being punished for doing what is wrong, but being tested to see if we can still follow the Lord's personal direction to us, despite what everyone else seems to think?

And so it is that I continue to try my best to trust in the Lord, to find the path that He is leading me on and do what He would have me do--for Scott, for our kids, for the gay community, for the church and our extended family and friends, and of course for myself.  Attending church when I can and clinging to my core testimony of the gospel I believe are a part of that path, but not as big a part as they were in earlier years and phases of my life. There is so much else that is good and glorious that I cannot ignore, like rejoicing in the wedding today of two incredible friends, two young men that are going to be incredible spouses to each other and incredible fathers someday. I am so grateful that they are part of our lives, and I would not trade any hardships I have been through in the past couple of years for having them and many others as dear friends.

Love is the answer

Sorry this post has been so long in coming...it is about the day I started back to church after a month off, March 21,2010. My goal was to stay the whole time (whether I went to my classes or not) so that my kids would stay.


As I took a shower that morning, I found myself actually looking forward to going, not dreading or nervous for it like I had been for the weeks and months previous to my break.

The kids of course had taken a bit of a break, too, so it was somewhat a struggle to get them up and going.


I turned on "Music and the spoken word" to play in the background while we got ready. I wasn't really paying attention until Lloyd Newel began one of his final message on the program. It was about delighting in the happiness and success of others, even if that success sometimes comes at the cost of our own. An example was shared of a high school girl who called another one to congratulate her for being the valedictorian of their class. The girl who called was second place, and there was only one valedictorian. Instead of mourning her own loss, she rejoiced in the other girl's success.

***

I really enjoyed Sacrament Meeting. The speakers consisted of two sisters from new part of ward. I don't know anything about their current situations with their spouses, but if they have spouses, they weren't there speaking with them.

The first spoke mostly of her life, her childhood, her siblings, her participation in the Hill Cumorah pagent. Her mission call, which she ended up trading for marriage in the SL temple, her 5 children, sadness in her life losing her dad, then losing her mom. She spoke of each of her 5 children, what they are all doing now. She then added something about their family now being a little bit broken, but how they are still an eternal family. While she was speaking, I felt impressed that I should get to know her better.


The text for the second speaker's talk came from President Eyring in last October's conference, from his talk "Our Perfect Example". Here are Some of the main things I remember, that impressed me the most:

Words from the primary song "I'm Trying to be like Jesus."

"...I'm trying to love as he did in all that I do and say....Love one another as Jesus love you, try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught."

Elder Eyring's message was a simple one of love, "Love is the motivating principle by which the Lord leads us along the way towards becoming like Him [the Savior], our perfect example...Love of others is at the heart of our capacity to obey Him."

"The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own."

As she continued to speak about his talk, the words clicked for me and how I should handle the stresses of my life right now. Instead of being frustrated and swayed by others telling me how selfish Scott appears to be, I felt strongly that I just need to love him, and try putting his happiness above my own, even though it seems to many that I shouldn't have to. Don't the scriptures tell us to work on improving ourselves before telling others how they should improve?

Elder Eyring mentions the inscription on a gravestone at a cemetery near his home that says, "Please, no empty chairs." He points out the word "please" and how we Can't force anyone's choices.

I loved his council to husbands and wives, and the words filled my heart with peace: "Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion's joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."

He continues to give advice to parents, to children, to those who have adopted other people's families as if they were their own. I thought of our many friends, friends that we are currently closer to than to our own extended families, my love for them, my excitement for them as they find love and make plans to "marry", or at least in Utah, to "commit" to each other. Is the love I feel for them not the same Christ-like love that this whole talk is about?

His final message in the talk: "I hope you will go out today looking for opportunities to do as He did and to love as He loves. I can promise you the peace that you felt as a child will come to you often and it will linger with you. The promise is true that He made to His disciples: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you." (John 14:27)"

So, if I pray for love, love like the Savior, and put the happiness of my spouse above my own, I will find peace? That is my interpretation, and it sounds like a good plan to me. I seem to remember the speaker mentioning a line from the talk that says Some of us are blessed with love that grows when we need it the most. I have faith that I can be blessed with the love I need right now to get through everything.

***

Following Sacrament meeting, I walked my children to their classes, and then I saw the lady who had spoken first. We had a heartfelt conversation as I learned a bit more about her situation, and I told her a bit about my struggles. We embraced, and I realized that there are a lot of people in the ward that I don't even really know yet that have a lot to offer to me and my family. I hope opportunities will come for me to get to know them better.

I proceeded outside to the back lawn. The weather was gorgeous, sunny and warm with a slight breeze. I had snacks to nibble on and a new book to read...

...and now the story of the book...

A few days earlier, I received an email at school. The time on the email was 1:30 a.m. I got the impression it was from a parent, but it didn't say much. All it said was "Please call me at your earliest convenience" and then included a name and phone number. Based on my experience with parents last year, I was nervous that somehow information about my personal life or views had ticked someone off again, although I have been really careful this year not to talk to my classes and students about it. Still, I knew there were rumors circulating from the year before.

Following my two classes that morning, at the beginning of my lunch, I called the number. The man who answered was very friendly and excited that I had called him back, he made sure that I had some time to talk (that I wasn't in the middle of a class or anything) and then he became awkward as he told me that he was the father of one of my students, that he had given me a fake name to protect his daughter's identity because she begged him not to talk to me, that his daughter had told him I was going through some personal struggles, and that he was embarrassed to talk to me about it because he didn't know if it was true or not, but that he could not sleep the night before thinking about me and the possibility of what I was going through.

He then shared with me that he has had homosexual feelings, and that decisions he made previously in his life were really hard on his wife and children. But he found his way back, and he wrote a book about his experience that he wanted to share with me, and that his main message to me was that no matter what happens, no matter what decisions my husband makes, I will be okay. Everything will be okay. I can call and talk to him or his wife any time. "Can I bring you the book? You are in room number ###. right?"

I cried as he spoke, then I went to lunch, in awe of what appeared to be God's tender mercies and this time a parent that was going to be an angel of sorts rather than a trial like last year.

At the beginning of my next class, I was wandering the classroom, collecting papers and helping students with the starting activity when I realized someone peaking in the door. This man and his wife were there with a book and a vase of flowers. They both hugged me and reminded me that I would be okay and that I could call them any time. There was a sweet spirit in their presence--one of love and deep concern, not of judgement or advice or anything like that.

Thus I had this book, and I finally had time to start reading it. I read a few full chapters, then skimmed, and read some more. It didn't take long for me to realize that I disagree with this man in a lot of ways, mainly with the last chapter and gay-rights issues. But it didn't bother me, because the tone of the book was wonderful. It was not preachy, but rather just as he says on the back cover: "Although the solutions for each person who is sruggling with unwanted behaviors will be different, my hope is that my story will encourage you to never give up, always dream and contemplate what seems impossible, and continue to seek solutions to life's most difficult challeges."

Another thing I really liked about it is that even though he is LDS, he does not mention it. He talks about his religion and how it influenced his struggles, both in the guilt he felt and in having God's help with the decisions he eventually made, but the denomination of the church itself was never mentioned.

I want to share a few quotes from the book about his wife, for they are what touched me the most...

From the dedication of the book, which is dedicated to his wife, he says...

"I dedicate this book to my beautiful wife. She has walked this long journey with me for many years...Her only concern has been what is best for me. My sincere wish for the world is that all people could have a spouse (or family members) as understanding, compassionate, and who posses the ability to love unconditionally as my sweet wife has been able to do."

"My sweet companion willingly stepped back and allowed me to make my own decisions in this journey we call life. She has always accepted the fact that this was a risk and that there were no guarantees. She just did it. And now, we are reaping the rewards of her unconditional dedication, loyalty and love."

Later in the book he says, "In the forthcoming years, she had some very difficult days and seemingly insurmountable decisions to make."

He quotes from her journal, "I am very sad at this time. I have been married for many years and have two marvelous children, and I have a great husband, but he has a problem...He is a great father for our children, but as a husband he is making decisions that are destroying our marriage. At this time he is only thinking of himself and what he wants without thinking of the damage he is causing me and the children. I love [him] ... but I don't know to what point I can endure this. This is very difficult for me! I am very sad and I think a lot about him. I know I need to remain calm, just live my life and be strong for my children. I pray that the Lord would bless him with His spirit that as he decides what to do, he might be able to remember the pain I am feeling. I hope he is able to put more emphasis on the most important thing, our family."

The following quotes come from a chapter titled "Love and its incredible power"

"As I felt the power of my wife's unconditional love, I was then able to begin to express myself and figure out what was happening within my mind...my sweet wife naturally comes with a very unconditional loving heart...she repeatedly forgave me each time I failed. "Hatred tears down, but understanding builds up" (Howard W. Hunter).

"My wife was able to work through the hatred she felt for my situation, and began to understand my pain. By so doing, we were able to find enough strength to focus on commonalities instead of the differences we felt. Because we were both willing to discuss the issues and never stop trying to figure out the huge puzzle, we ultimately were able to turn this very negative situation into a very positive success story."

Now that I read over these quotes again, a month later, I wonder if I am placing too much hope in them. It still feels right, however, to focus on loving him and rejoicing in his happiness, rather than getting angry and throwing him out so that I don't have to deal with it any more.

I have shared a bit about our situation with three friends (staff members) at school. Two of them immediately reacted with how selfish Scott is. So I was afraid to tell the third. She knew I was avoiding talking to her about it. When I finally did, though, I included telling her about the parents and the book they brought to me. She became emotional and told me that she felt like I was taking the right path with the situation, although not the easy one.

I have felt bad that it has taken me so long to write this post, but it has been good for me to mingle the memories of the peace that this Sabath day in March brought to me with the mixture of other emotions I have been feeling over the last month--sadness, anger, frustration, depression. I am sure that things will continue to feel like a rollar coaster for a long time, especially for the next couple of months until the baby comes. But I need to remember this post and these feelings and allow peace to fill my heart. Not an easy task at all, I must say. But maybe, just maybe, within the realm of possibility.

Priesthood worthiness

In order to help myself be more forgiving and calm of others regarding their judgments on worthiness to use the priesthood, I decided maybe I should research it a bit further. I have mentioned a couple of times in recent blog posts that I continue to ask Scott for blessings on occasion,  and I have not felt it wrong to do so, and he has not hesitated to proceed. In fact, you might remember that I pointed out one of the recent conference talks about the priesthood during which I felt the spirit testify to me that Scott is still the priesthood leader in our home and that it is still completely appropriate for him to bless me and the children.

I understand that when it comes to church-recorded blessings, such as baby blessings, confirmations, and priesthood ordinances, that perhaps the rules are a bit more strict, and perhaps that is appropriate, and my research today on the internet confirms that fact.  I found this website that mentions which types of blessings and ordinances require priesthood leader approval. 

Priesthood ordinances and blessings

It really did not mention any restrictions for personal and private blessings, like father's blessings, or those for healing and comfort.

As Scott and I talked last night about recent events in my family that have brought this topic to mind, his comment was that he feels priesthood blessings to be much more about the faith of the one receiving the blessing and less about the worthiness of the one administering.  He said that there are pioneer stories from early days of the church when women were known to have placed their hands on someone's head and pronounced a blessing with miraculous results.  How does that fit in with what we believe about worthy men and priesthood blessings?

As I continued on my search, I found a talk from President Hinkley in 2002 on the subject.  Here are the specific things that he mentioned would make someone unworthy of using their priesthood.  He starts with a scripture:

“The rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and … the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.
“That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man” (D&C 121:36–37).

 He goes on to say...

"You cannot be immoral in any sense. You cannot be dishonest. You cannot cheat or lie. You cannot take the name of God in vain or use filthy language and still have the right to the ministering of angels.
I do not want you to be self-righteous. I want you to be manly, to be vibrant and strong and happy. To those who are athletically inclined, I want you to be good athletes and strive to become champions. But in doing so, you do not have to indulge in unseemly behavior or profane or filthy language."

(I'm sure that ALL worthy priesthood holders are PERFECT in all of the above items, right?)

Of course there was mention of the law of chastity.  And then the focus went to abuse:

"How tragic and utterly disgusting a phenomenon is wife abuse. Any man in this Church who abuses his wife, who demeans her, who insults her, who exercises unrighteous dominion over her is unworthy to hold the priesthood. Though he may have been ordained, the heavens will withdraw, the Spirit of the Lord will be grieved, and it will be amen to the authority of the priesthood of that man.
Any man who engages in this practice is unworthy to hold a temple recommend."

(Interesting comment--even when the Bishop and stake president refused to sign a temple recommend for either Scott or I, the stake president was still willing to let the bishop know that Scott could ordain our son to the office of a deacon.)

"I mention another type of abuse. It is of the elderly..."

"Now I wish to mention another form of abuse that has been much publicized in the media. It is the sordid and evil abuse of children by adults, usually men..."

"I quote from our Church Handbook of Instructions: “The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse … are subject to Church discipline. They should not be given Church callings and may not have a temple recommend..."

"Now brethren, I suppose that I have sounded negative as I have spoken to you this evening. I do not wish to. But I do wish to raise a warning voice to the priesthood of this Church throughout the world.
God has bestowed upon us a gift most precious and wonderful. It carries with it the authority to govern the Church, to administer in its affairs, to speak with authority in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, to act as His dedicated servants, to bless the sick, to bless our families and many others. It serves as a guide by which to live our lives. In its fulness, its authority reaches beyond the veil of death into the eternities that lie ahead.
There is nothing else to compare with it in all this world. Safeguard it, cherish it, love it, live worthy of it."

So, I guess his talk was mostly focusing on abuse, and how that would make a man unworthy of his priesthood.

I don't have a lot of time to spend researching this subject, and I know that amongst my readers there are current and former church leaders, such as bishops, stake presidents and high councilman.

What do you feel makes a man worthy or unworthy to administer a blessing of healing to a family member? Is inactivity in the church for 6 months an issue? Are opinions on gay rights that are contrary to statements made by the church an issue? Where is the dividing line, when a man is mostly honest (other than maybe a bit of pirated music or software), swears less than I do (and probably has only learned to swear because of my bad example), monogamous and faithful to his wife, does not abuse anyone nor have any history of abuse, engages in prayer and scripture reading with his family, enjoys reading old church books and journals, like Joseph Smith's journal, is an outstanding example of exhibiting love and service toward his fellow men (mostly the gay ones, of course).

I realize that opening this up for comments may result in some painful proof that he really is not worthy, as someone in my family strongly believes. But I am open to learning and understanding what the doctrine really is on this issue.

Thanks for your help!

Conference Report 2

I loved, loved, loved Elder Uchtdorf's talk today. We are Christ's hands, and so therefore we must show unconditional love toward all of God's children. It is not our place to judge anyone.

...Love...

The topic of an upcoming blog post that has been in limbo for 2 weeks...

Didn't take notes through the rest of conference, slept through some more of it this morning (oops! That is what I get for being awake until 2 a.m.)

But overall, I loved it. The gospel is true, we can all make it through adversity, parents and others who work with children and youth can step it up in really helping them to learn the gospel and make good choices, we can let the atonement work in our lives.

I am inspired to be more hopeful, to be a better mom, to serve and love and forgive. Oh, and to download a free geneology app for my iPhone tomorrow (one day only!).  :)

Don't forget to vote in the baby-naming poll! (see left side of blog page)

Answer to Prayer?

I blogged recently about wanting an answer for Christmas--an answer about what I should do regarding church, for me, for our children and for our whole family.

I spent some time really praying about it that day, and though I didn't get an answer, I did think through some possibilities, and felt peace that the answer would be coming...that I just needed to be patient.

Today came a new indication of changes and future answers.  Next Sunday night there will be some ward boundary changes in our stake, and we will be getting a new Bishopric.  (My daughter and I immediately looked at each other and tried not to smile TOO big when the announcement was made today.)

This also sheds some light on why it is taking so long for my Stake President to get back to me.  Obviously he has been very busy.

******

Today the Relief Society and Priesthood met together for the "Teachings for our Time" lesson from the conference talks, specifically Elder Holland's incredible talk from last April about the Atonement and how Christ was totally and completely alone at times through His agony.

During the lesson, two things touched me.  One was that even though Christ was part God and able to handle what He went through, He was also part mortal, with the fears and pains and anxiety that come with being so.  It was a good reminder of what I already knew, but had somehow forgotten, that He truly does understand every pain and feeling that we go through in mortality.

The second thing that really stood out to me today is that Christ was so misjudged and betrayed, that those who yelled for Him to be crucified really did not understand (or did not try to understand) who He was or what was in His heart. Or maybe they were afraid of the influence He was having and the good He was doing. The whole thing was completely unfair, and yet it happened, and it had a purpose, and we are all blessed because of it.

I know my situation pales in comparison to that of our Savior, but I also feel that I am being misjudged for doing things that are good. I just have to have faith that it all has a purpose, and that no matter what pain I may be going through because of it, my Savior understands my pain; He already felt it FOR me, and He can take it away. I just have to let Him take it and let it go, and meanwhile just keep doing the best I can to do what is right for me and my family.

Highlights of the week

I keep meaning to blog about things that are going on, and there are just too many other things to do, naps to take, blogs to read and argue on, etc...

So, here I am going to piece together a few things, and hope that the words will flow...

Friday we went to Lagoon with Scott's brother, wife, and two children. They were in town from out of state. We weren't sure if they would want to hang out with us or not, considering we haven't seen them since Scott came out. But they really wanted us to come, and when we weren't sure because of the money, they offered to buy our tickets for us. We really did have a good time, it wasn't awkward at all, the weather was beautiful for a change, and the kids had an absolute blast with their cousins. Scott was maybe a little frustrated that his brother didn't talk to him at all about the issue, especially since he had sent him an email a few days before they arrived regarding the fact that our family is very open about everything, and that there was no guarantee that one of our kids might say something to one of their kids, whom they don't want to know about their gay uncle just yet. But I didn't expect anything to be said, so I was just grateful that we were able to have fun together.

Saturday we took our daycare provider (not a member of the church) and her family (LDS, but husband has never been through the temple, 2 kids have been baptized) to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple open house. She asked me about the Draper temple open house a few months ago, but never ended up going. So, before I made reservations for Oquirrh Mountain, I asked her if she wanted to go with us. She was delighted. I have to brag that I actually followed my Stake President's counsel on this one. During the Draper open house, he spoke in our Sacrament meeting, and encouraged us to not only attend the open house, but invite non-member neighbors to go with us. Done. :)

Anyway, it was a cool experience because our friend was asking so many questions. She really wants to attend the dedication, and was disappointed to find out that she can't go, but that the rest of her family can. I know she had the missionary discussions a couple of years ago, but it never went beyond that. Meanwhile, her husband, who was unable to baptize their older child, was able to baptize the younger one. It has been neat to see the changes in him since they moved into the neighborhood. I adore her. She has been a great daycare provider for 2 of our children over the past few years, and I feel so blessed that it has worked out so well. She is a wonderful person and I have no doubt that God is pleased with her, regardless of whether she ever joins the church.

At the Draper temple open house, we were with my parents, and my Dad is somewhat cynical about temples and such (even though he has a recommend) and he always likes to get on with things. He would never linger in a sealing room, gazing in the mirrors that reflect forever, and answering questions about sealings. But that is what we were able to do with our neighbors, and I realized again just how much I love the temple and how much I know about it, how blessed I am to be able to attend things like the dedication. Seeing her excitement and curiosity helped me to be less cynical and more grateful for the church in my life.

Sunday our whole family finally attended all 3 hours of church together. Scott even went to part of priesthood meeting when he saw the Relief Society president and her secretary enter the building with donuts and milk for fathers' day. :)

Scott was released from his calling as membership clerk. Actually, someone else was sustained as the new clerk, so then I guess there were 2 clerks for a few minutes. Then a member of the bishopric reminded the high councilman of his error, and he had to stand again to give Scott a vote of thanks. It made it even more obvious that the change was happening, and I'm sure made some people go "hmmm". Whatever. I try not to care what people think.

A discussion in Sunday School about church revelation trumping personal experience and science bothered me a bit, but it was also fun to talk about learning, and how important things like math are to our preparation in this life. :) The teacher caught me off guard by asking my opinion about how math fits into the grand scheme of things. I shared thoughts about a class I had in college where we actually discussed whether or not we thought math was created or discovered. By the end of the course, I had a pretty strong belief that math is discovered by man. It simply exists in the universe as the universal language of science, and we have discovered over thousands of years just how it works. I believe that those of us who become Gods and Goddesses will need math to create worlds, place them the right distance from the sun on just the right tilt, etc. But I also believe that if we do need it, we will be able to learn it in the next life as well, so don't panic! Hopefully math anxiety doesn't exist in heaven!

My "favorite" teacher gave the lesson in Relief Society on temples, and it was pleasant and fairly benign. I tolerate her lessons while praying to feel the spirit and be less judgmental of her. It made me laugh inside when after the lesson I overheard another lady tell her that she could listen to her the whole 3 hours. Please spare me! :) Honestly, though, I am glad that other sisters in the ward are uplifted by her lessons. We are all different, and that is a good thing.

Monday I had the opportunity to attend "Cub Country" with my cub scout-aged son. I am not a scout leader, but they needed another adult to go and asked me if I would. I enjoyed having a few minutes to reflect on the beauty of God's creations and His spirit that I always feel in the mountains, with the trees and the sun shining and the breeze blowing and the children running...oh wait, scratch that last thing. :) Just kidding. I did find out why everyone always tells us that our children are so good, because compared to other children, they are angels. :) We needed either a leash or a shock collar on one of the boys so that he would stay nearby. He kept wandering off without telling us. And the other leader and I walked twice as far as needed to fetch a bag for one of the boys that he kept leaving at the previous activity. Fun was had by all, but I was glad I did not have to go back today as I rested my sore muscles and bruised behind (since I fell on some rocks at the end of the day.)

The best part of the day was the drive home. The scout leader that I was helping asked me sincerely how Scott and I are doing. One question led to another, and I ended up telling her a bit about how we feel in the ward, that we get the feeling that there are people (including our bishop) who would just as soon we stopped coming to church so that they don't have to worry about what we might say. She was an amazing listener and so supportive. A few months ago, she came to our house for something, and she outright told Scott how impressed she was by his "coming out" testimony and she started asking us questions. We were delighted that she cared. She borrowed a copy of "No More Goodbyes" and read it. I have not really had an in-depth conversation with her since. It was awesome, and as I dropped her off at her car, I hugged and thanked her for caring about us, and for being so Christ-like.

Now that I have bored you with the details of my life, I will sign off. I will just end by saying that I am grateful to be blessed with a wonderful husband, awesome children, the best friends ever, extended family that really are making an effort to show their love and try to understand, the true gospel of Jesus Christ, and the spirit of the Lord in my heart.