Revelation

Is revelation a call to obedience, or a gift of God's love?

With the onset of summer break came the courage for me to attend some LDS church meetings yesterday. During the school year, a bad Sunday carries over to a miserable Monday--I call it an emotional hangover. But any resulting stress from Sunday is easier to handle on Monday if I don't have to face classrooms full of teenagers while still distraught.

I actually intended to attend my entire three hour block of church--something I haven't done for nearly a year. But then I found out that one of my dear straight spouse friends was teaching a lesson on revelation in her relief society meeting at the same time as my sacrament meeting, so I decided to go there instead.

My friend focused on personal revelation, and had mentioned that while preparing the lesson that she felt she should focus on God's love.

A few days earlier some of us on an online straight spouse support group were discussing the challenge of reconciling our personal revelation and views on homosexuality with church "doctrine". One incredibly wise and spiritual woman among us shared her beautiful thoughts:

I felt really caught in the middle for a long time: President Packer and others so sure their revelation was correct, my gay husband having such immense spiritual experiences when he FINALLY got the courage to ask God if he were even loved, and then if it is okay to be gay. Both men asking opposite questions and coming away positive they are correct. When I finally pleaded with my Heavenly Father, telling him I didn't know...I had absolutely no idea which idea was correct, I felt an outpouring of love. My answer was simply "I love you, it will be okay". And I knew that was true. I really think that maybe some pray, so convinced of what the answer will be before they even ask the question, that God simply says "I love you" and that amazing feeling is interpreted as a definitive answer that "I am right". This is my favorite quote from Elder Uctdorf, and I think it hits the nail on the head:

"Brothers and sisters, as good as our previous experience may be, if we stop asking questions, stop thinking, stop pondering, we can thwart the revelations of the Spirit. Remember, it was the questions young Joseph asked that opened the door for the restoration of all things. We can block the growth and knowledge our Heavenly Father intends for us. How often has the Holy Spirit tried to tell us something we needed to know but couldn’t get past the massive iron gate of what we thought we already knew?" DIETER F. UCHTDORF

I think that it is important that we move forward, based on the dictates of our conscience. As we move, as we continue to search and pray, we come to slowly understand more and more the mind of God. It is a journey. We may not have the complete answers in our lifetime, but if we act on what we truly feel is right and good, we will be okay. It is as I move forward that I become more convinced that I am doing what is best for me and my family. When I first start on any given path, I'm not sure. As I move forward, I either go....ummm....yea, this isn't feeling right. So I move in a different direction, until what I'm doing feels right. Then I move full speed ahead! I am sure my understanding of homosexuality will change over time and my ideas will become more fully developed and closer to the truth. And that is okay. It is part of life. Do I have very strong convictions and beliefs on homosexuality YES. Do they differ from those of respected church leaders? In some instances yes, in others, who knows? I do think that we are on the brink of further revelation. All the wonderful strides that are being made in the world to accept and love each other are setting the foundation. I hope to help others start to think and to question so that we may be ready as the changes come.

Back to my friend's lesson. Toward the beginning there were some comments made regarding leaders receiving revelation for us and our role to be obedient to them. I felt myself becoming obstinate and angry. This is my most common inner reaction any time I attend church meetings, and that is why I go so seldom. I frequently feel angry and tense. But as the lesson went on, my attitude softened, and by the end I was feeling a need for my own love and patience with church leaders and members.

For most of the lesson my friend was the facilitator, asking for a few quotes or scriptures to be read and then asking the reader what they thought. Personal experiences were shared and I gained some insight. She mentioned to me later that it had been a really hard lesson for her to prepare, so she really needed the comments from the class to teach the lesson. And they did.

One sister spoke of praying regarding doubts to marrying her fiancé, and she asked for a black and white answer. She felt God's love for her when she happened to see some texts on her fiance's phone in black and white, and she knew that was her answer to breaking the engagement. I couldn't help but remember my own doubts when I was engaged to Scott. I've blogged about this long ago, but I don't think it was a strong black-and-white prompting. Rather, I think of it more as God's sadness in knowing the difficult yet important journey of which I was about to embark.

Another sister spoke of the scripture from the Book of Mormon where Alma says "O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!" but then he realizes that God is in charge. People must be ready to hear the message, and God knows when that is. I've always thought of this scripture in terms of missionary work, but this time I personally took it with my own desire for gay rights activism, and a message from God to me to be patient. I felt the same message again at an LGBTQ church-approved fireside last night when the brother giving the closing prayer specifically asked that we might be blessed with patience for our leaders and family members. It must have been something I needed to hear.

Another comment was made regarding revelation and spirituality that made me think; someone said, "what we put into it is what we get out of it". I am really struggling with the direction the kids and I should go with regards to church attendance, but I have also become lax in the things that will help me be able to receive that revelation, like prayer and scripture study. I guess I need to decide how serious I am about getting an answer. Maybe I don't really want an answer right now. Maybe I just want to enjoy my break a bit longer, and so putting the effort in might mean getting an answer out that I am not yet ready to hear. I'm afraid of it regardless of whether it is to stay in the church or to leave it. Both solutions terrify me.

Needless to say, I left the first meeting uplifted and ready to attend another. I called the kids at home and said that whoever was willing to go to church with me should get ready because I would be home soon.

My daughter and toddler came with me (can you believe he is almost 2!?) and he attended the nursery for the first time ever. :)

As I approached the relief society room, men that were leaving Sunday school extended quick but heartfelt hello's and big smiles. One man asked, "Come back to visit, huh?" I thought he was teasing me, when he in fact was under the impression I had moved because he hadn't seen me for so long. When he found that out, his insistence that I not be inactive gave me that same stubborn, chip-on-my-shoulder feeling again that had dissipated so nicely during the previous hour. I thought about all the times that as a true-believing-Mormon I had done the same, probably over welcoming less active members when they did come, and I felt a little bit bad about it, but also a little bit more patient with the members for their good intentions. I wanted to just sit in the back and blend into the woodwork. A friend reminded me that I would have to come on a regular basis again for that to happen, LOL.

Sit in the back I did, with some very good friends with which I could banter and mutter under my breath to ease my anxiety. The teacher began handing out quotes to be read, and told us she was starting at the back because she usually always starts at the front. I looked at my quote and dread came over me. I seriously considered leaving. The quote was about the prophet receiving revelation and our requirement to sustain and obey and not be judgmental of him and his words. I asked the teacher if it was okay for me to read something I didn't believe, and she said she hoped I believed it, but I muttered something and gave her a look to indicate that I really wasn't sure that I did. Then my friend next to me showed me the quote she was to read, and I was grateful I had the one I did and not hers, which said: We have had misguided souls in the Church who have, in their ignorance, opposed the advice of the [President of the Church], not sensing the fact that they were opposing the Lord and they have fallen into darkness and sorrow, and unless they repent they will not find a place in the celestial kingdom. Ug. Then my friend opened her lesson manual and I was shocked to see the title and know that it was the same lesson I had attended that morning in my friend's ward.

I read my quote and listened to the other quotes be read and I distracted myself by texting my friend and searching for President Uchtdorf's quote on Facebook. The discussion went on in the background: our leaders receive revelation for us from God. We are required to follow them. We do not get to pick and choose what we believe. We can receive revelation for ourselves and our families/children, but not for our ward or for the church.

I was determined that when the topic changed from leaders to personal revelation, that I would raise my hand and share President Uchtdorf's quote. At least I hoped the lesson would go there, and finally it did. And I raised my hand, and I shared and a lovely discussion ensued. The relief society president leaned toward me from a nearby row and asked me to send the quote by Facebook message to her later.

One of the most memorable comments was from a sister regarding her daughter's rocky marriage. She said she prayed for the marriage to be saved and left intact; for the conflicts to go away. But she was always left with a "stupor of thought." Finally she figured out that it was none of her business, and worded her prayers differently. After the lesson I thanked her for her comment and shared my own similar experience, just a feeling I've had with regards to prayers for me.

At the peak of my struggle with attending church a few months ago, I was so conflicted. As you know, going to church made me miserable and panicky, but staying home I felt guilty. One time when my mother-in-law mentioned that they always pray for me and Scott and the kids, something occurred to me. I thanked her graciously but then asked she be sure she was praying for us to find peace and make the right decisions for our family, rather than praying for us to go back to our regular church attendance. She didn't comment, but staying home and finding peace in my journey seemed easier after that. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I don't think so.

After church I didn't feel the usual burden and I didn't think I was going to have to deal with an "emotional hangover" today. Yay! I posted the following on facebook:

It was interesting to go to the same relief society lesson on revelation twice today, taught by two different people. It was really like two completely different lessons. One was in my ward and focused a lot on following our leaders and the revelation they receive. The other was taught by a straight spouse friend of mine and focused on personal revelation and feeling God's love. I learned from both of them--not necessarily the message of the lesson itself, but more from comments and personal experiences. I do not regret attending either of them. It was so good to see friends that I don't see otherwise in my own ward.


The day ended with a wonderful fireside and conversations with fabulous LGBTQ and Mormon ally friends. Not sure what I will do about church next week, but it was an amazing and peaceful step for me yesterday. I was able to endure what could have been a devastating lesson and instead keep confidence in my own beliefs and in my own personal revelation. I am grateful for the experience, and extremely grateful for good friends, or angels, that God has placed in my path.

Alternate Paths

I actually went to Sacrament meeting yesterday. The talk was on progression, specifically on eternal progression.

The speaker made tremendous effort to prevent feelings of guilt throughout her talk. She spoke of her own weaknesses, she spoke of trials, she spoke of how sometimes we fall off the path. And that is okay, because we can get back on the path to eternal life.

I wasn't offended by the meeting, and I really enjoyed seeing some friends and singing the hymns, but I realized that I really don't belong there any more.

The thought I had was that some people probably think I have fallen or am falling off the path. But even if I have, aren't I just on a different path? Some paths lead the some place, some paths lead to different places. If the path is a peaceful and happy one, then it seems that it would end up in a similar location. I really hope to find that peaceful path soon, because I am pretty sure it is not within the church.

My father-in-law referenced an article in Mormon Times recently, about a gay man that has joined the church and is happy living church standards, even though he has AIDS and previously lived the gay lifestyle. Scott's dad's comment was that "it can be done" as though anyone can do it. I was quick and firm to correct him. That might be the right path for some people. But just because it is right for and can be done by one person does not mean it is right and can be done by everyone. He also talked to me about the fact that there are still people in the church that are supportive of gay rights, and that are even activists. He was trying to tell me that I could do it too, but again, I tried to convince him that just because some can do it, doesn't mean everyone can, and that I think I've decided that is not the right path for me. At least not right now, and maybe never again. All I know is that I take life one day at a time, seeking peace for me and my children.

There has been interesting news lately confirming that the LDS church actually is losing a lot of members. (Duh!) Former church historian Marlin K. Jensen shared some of the details and concerns, as seen in this article from the Salt Lake Tribune, or this clip from an ABC4 news cast:



Here are comments from interviewees in the newscast that bothered me a bit. They really have no idea...

• "I'm from Chile, and down there a lot of people just stop attending. They take it a little bit too casual."
• "If people are leaving, I think it's really a mark that we all need to get deeper into our faith."
• "When life is going good, and we don't have as many challenges, sometimes we don't turn to God."
• "It does come down to us, as members of the church we need to go out there and do our part."

Most of the people I know that have left or are leaving have not taken leaving casually at all. I have been one of the LEAST casual. Also, I was one of the most faithful members I know, and I don't think I could have been any deeper into my faith. My life is good and challenge-free so I don't need God? HAHAHAHA! The last comment makes me think of how I know the church works with trying to reactivate. I used to do it! Me and my kids are tired of people saying "Where have you been?" or "We miss you." or "Why don't you come any more?" I really appreciate people that don't ask me that, and instead, ask me how I really am, and really try to be my friend.


Some of you might have seen this before, but here is a presentation by John Dehlin, founder of Mormon Stories Foundation, that talks about why people leave the LDS church and what friends and family can do. The problem I see with it is that the people who need it most are probably not willing to listen to it.



I'm hearing and learning of more and more people that are leaving because of historical facts they are finding on the internet. When Scott first shared some of these details with me, it did not affect my testimony, because I know that prophets are men and make mistakes (something with which my Stake President and many other TBMs fiercely disagree), I know that things change and evolve in the church as needed, and I have always had a strong testimony of things like Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon, and of course of God and Christ.

Rather than the historical controversies themselves, I am more bothered by the fact that the church is not honest with its history. By the fact that members are encouraged to follow the prophet over personal revelation, or rather the idea that we should seek personal revelation to see that something the church says or does IS true and right, rather than to find out IF it is true. The fact that Mormon parents try to hide things from their children, like the existance of gay people, and keep them in an environment of closed-mindedness instead of teaching and encouraging them to think for themselves and make their own decisions and mistakes.

And like something I recently discovered in my own ward--parents withholding priveleges from youth, like dating or driving, until the child has earned their eagle scout or young womanhood medalian. And worse yet, it was done at the recommendation of the Bishop!

The behavior of TBMs (True Believing Mormons) like Scott's sibblings that won't let him bring a date to family parties or let their children find out that Uncle Scott is gay, like next door neighbors that don't allow their children to play at my house, or like the situation I described in the above paragraph are doing much more harm to my staying in the church than any weird historical stories from church history. Maybe it is because of my love for youth, for the kids I teach at school, especially the ones in the GSA club, that these things bother me so much!

I am grateful for a mother that taught me by example to be open-minded, to question, to be self-motivated. I accomplished things like earning my Young Womanhood medalian or graduating from seminary because I wanted to, not because I was bribed or threatened. I'm not sure she is glad that she set that example, as she is really concerned right now with the path the children and I appear to be heading down with regards to the church. But I think that she is the reason I still have a testimony.

I've watched others that came from TBM homes that when they find out about church history and start to question, everything that they thought they once believed breaks into a million pieces. They are not able to hang on to any pieces of their testimony as a result, which is sad. I rejoice in my testimony of God, of a life after death, of my Savior and redeemer Jesus Christ. I still love passages from the book of Mormon that have brought so much peace and understanding and hope to my life for nearly 40 years. Where-ever my path may end up, I cannot imagine ever denying these aspects of my testimony that were once so strong. But I also do not judge those who don't believe, who find peace and happiness in other paths like atheism. At least I try not to judge them, but I know I still have work to do in that area. Which is a whole different blogpost entirely!

Gospel Principles = Happiness?

Today (actually, I guess it was yesterday) our home teacher came and gave us a short lesson about setting a good example. He is a great man and friend, and teaches things in a very humble but confident way, very down to earth. In his message he commented that someday someone might thank us for our example, for standing up for what we know is right. But that no one would ever thank us for doing the wrong thing. Like "thanks for drinking that beer last night" or "thank you for watching that inappropriate movie."

It seemed as though he was mostly talking to my teenagers, not because he thought they needed it, but just because it is a common topic of choice for youth.

But I couldn't help but question the word "never" in his examples. When he gave the beer example, my mind wandered to my New Year's celebration, and how my friends at my house seemed surprised and maybe proud of me that I was willing to try a sip of the champagne that Scott had brought (He pre-approved bringing it with me first, for you curious stalkers out there.) It is now normal for me to try a sip of whatever drink Scott has ordered when we are out to dinner somewhere. So far the only thing that I have liked at all has been a sangria at Applebees. Even then, though, I limited myself to the one sip and I have never desired more. I really can't stand the taste of anything else I have tried, and I hate the way it burns going down my throat. When I first started tasting his drinks, I still had a temple recommend, and I did not feel bad about it. But now that I realize I shall never again have a recommend, it would seem that nothing should stop me from partaking. At least that is how it is with Scott and many of my other friends. But I have no desire to feel the affects of alcohol or to do anything other than taste.

Later today at Scott's parent's house, I overheard a conversation between Scott's dad and a nephew that is preparing for a mission. I was in and out of the audible location of the conversation since I was packing up food I had brought so that my family would be ready to leave. At one point I heard him say "Following gospel principals always makes life easier." I don't know if it was because he became aware of me standing by him at the time, but he seemed to glance at me and say "at least it usually does."

I reponded with "I don't know about that. I was following gospel principles when all hell broke loose in my life."

To which he responded, "But it does make it easier to handle things that come into our lives."

I could have said more, but instead I walked away since I had the cake packaged up and was ready to go. It's moments like these that make me understand why Scott is so uncomfortable in the presence of his family, and why he has chosen not to come at all for the last seven months, other than dinner on Christmas Eve.

On the way home, I sort of processed my thoughts outloud with my daughter. Last week I went to Sacrament meeting and later to a fireside about the upcoming stake pioneer trek this summer, and I spent time crying as a result, with my typical messed-up recovery day on Monday. I ended up crying at lunch to my friends about my post-traumatic stress with listening to my Stake President speak. My active Mormon friends suggested that it was essential that I stop putting myself in that situation and that attending a different ward in a different stake might be a good option.

So I mentioned to my daughter that last weekend was hard on me because of my church attendance, but that today was wonderful with no church attendance. I was going to go because a couple of our neighbors were reporting on their missions, and in fact last week the kids and I had decided that we would all go, but the three oldest kids went while I stayed home with the younger two, the three of us suffering from a mild cold.

So, does following the principle of attending church meetings make life easier? For me and lots of other people I know, absolutely not. That even includes gay-friendly firesides, where the presiding leader gets up to give closing remarks, and knowing his audience, still talks about following the prophet and attending the temple. And that was not in my stake, so I'm not sure that attending somewhere else would be any better for me.

I apologized to my daughter for my being such a bad example (such as sipping champagne on New Years) and she said "You aren't a bad example. You are a good example." She has chosen (at the moment) to be active in the church, and it does not seem to be causing her any anxiety or changing the ways she views gay rights or our gay friends. She honors and recognizes my struggle and decisions regarding church attendance, and does not hold it against me in the least. And she smiled and said, "Be glad that all of this has kept you from becoming like the _________." (Insert name of an extremely righteous family in our ward with extrememly sheltered children.)

If gospel principles are just those outlined in the fourth article of faith, then that would be faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism, and gift of the holy ghost. I do the first two, and I've done the second two. I guess I don't repent of what others think I should repent of--like dissing the prophet on facebook (which was really more like dissing the gospel principles manual), and I guess I have not been attending Sacrament meeting very much lately to take the Sacrament and renew my baptismal covenants, but is all that being too technical? I still try to repent of things that I do that I realize are actually wrong, and right the wrong when possible.

Now that I've brought up the gospel principles manual, I believe that is more likely what my father-in-law means by gospel principles, including honesty and law of chastity and word of wisdom, etc, etc.

As I was processing with my daughter, I mentioned that most Mormons are way to picky about following all of the tiny guidelines with exactness, without deviation, firmly believing that is the only way to be happy.

But I am happier now that I've loosened up a bit with regards to Scott drinking, and by showing him that I really have with my sincere desire to taste-test. I believe it has helped to strengthen our friendship and our newly-defined relationship as co-parents and friends.

I am usually happier now that I don't attend all of my church meetings, other than a bit of guilt that comes from 37 years of regular church attendance.

Happier now that I have a broader view of life and religion and spirituality. (I've begun attending a class on "Integral Spirituality" at a Universal Unitarian church one evening a week.)

I believe that I continue to maintain values and beliefs that will keep me out of trouble and help me to be more happy in the long run, and I am teaching those to my children. In fact, we just decided last week to follow a weekly reading schedule in the Book of Mormon as outlined in the January issue of The Friend magazine.

But I have no idea exactly where the path I am on will end up, and at the moment, I am okay with that. (Who knows how I might feel about it tomorrow.)

Thanks for reading my ramblings, as usual. I wish I had time to post more often. Goodnight.

Clarity and faith

The week following my last post, I took the time to do some serious thinking and feeling. I was encouraged in part to do so because of an email Scott sent to me that explained some of the reasons his testimony has evaporated. I felt a need to attend the temple to seek some answers.

Here are some of my thoughts during my drive on the way there, and then while sitting on the temple grounds after doing some initiatory work. Some of the thoughts stem from Scott's words, which I am choosing not to post.

• Yes, there are other churches with good and bad pieces, with people that will be rewarded for their good works and faith.
• God lives. Jesus is the Christ.
• It does not matter if leaders are perfect or not, if church history is twisted, if policies change, if it seems sometimes that things are so conflicting, contradictory, hypocritical. God allows things to happen, mistakes to be made, for a reason.
• Culture...Life...Policies...Ways of doing things are ever changing, and always will be changing. But God is the same forever. He loves all of us--liberals, conservatives, atheists, believers--and he knows what is in our hearts, how our experiences have brought us each to where we are. No one but Him can truly judge why each of us act or think the ways we do. He allows changes to happen when and how is best. Key word there that I feel strongly about is "allow." We have our agency--each of us, even church leaders. But just like cleaning a room, where sometimes it has to get messier first before it improves, God is doing his own cleaning using agency, and we cannot yet see where the end result will be. But all will be well. We must have faith. We cannot forget the testimony-building experiences in our individual pasts just because it is a little messy now.
• The contradictions and the call for obedience, and what often seems like blind obedience, are frustrating. I know that. I have felt and experienced that in many ways over the years. What does matter is doing the best we can with what we've got. Finding a place, a religion, a philosophy that works best for each of us, whether that be where we are most comfortable or where we have the greatest opportunity for growth, and often where we can help others grow along with us.

I began to relate these thoughts to me personally, to something that helps me understand why God and church leaders do the things they do, why obedience is so important, and why change in what once seemed like the unchangeable sometimes happens.

Over the 13 years of being a teacher, my policies have also been ever-changing. I try one thing, and then the next year or semester I tweak or completely change something. But while that policy is in place, I try to be consistent in enforcing it. Students sometimes question my policies. Sometimes I explain, sometimes I say it just is the way it is so deal with it. Despite my efforts to be consistent (justice), there are exceptions (mercy), or there are times when I help a student all that I can to meet my own policy, wishing I didn't have to enforce it for that student, but making up the difference so it works out. If a student really desires not to fail, I make it possible for them not to fail, as long as they follow make-up tasks I give them, which are often quite easy. Despite the easiness, many still do not listen to know what they can do, or they don't care, or they don't even try. Someday they might regret it. Some will do credit recovery. Some will drop out and never graduate. Some will get their GED later. There are different paths to get the same place, and some take much longer, and some are just different.

Sometime within the last couple of years, when one of my neighbors bore her testimony in Sacrament meeting, she spoke of her family hiking to delicate arch. She mentioned that her older son ended up going a different way, but he still made it there. She related it to this life, and how some of us follow the marked trail, others of us follow other trails that end up the same place. Some trails might be more difficult than others, or one that is difficult for one person is amazingly right for another person. Sometimes we think someone is lost, but they are just going a different way. I don't remember exactly what she said, and I might be adding some of my own thoughts, but you get the idea.

We recently went to Arches National Park as a family. The trail to delicate arch was harder than I remembered, but the end result was also more spectacular than I remembered from the last time I was there 20 + years ago. I thought of this friend's testimony and analogy to life. Life is hard, we all follow our own path, and the path that someone follows may be right for that person even though it is not for another.

Many people like to quote scriptures that I feel like they are directing at people like me, like "straight is the path and narrow the way that leads to eternal life." For some that may be true. The "straight and narrow path" of the "tree of life" analogy in the Book of Mormon is just another analogy--an analogy that some can relate to but others cannot. I think I might want to spend some more time thinking about Lehi's dream of the tree of life, and determining what it means for me personally, finding myself there, and understanding how the "great and spacious building" fits in. Stay tuned for that one...

A little side note of thoughts that I gleaned from my time in the temple itself:

1. I am blessed to know the difference between truth and error. I couldn't stop thinking about a line in my patriarchal blessing that says I have a talent to believe and accept truth. I realized that I inherintly know that God lives, that the basic gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and that is all that matters. Strange historical facts from the early days of the church that tear apart peoples' testimonies--I don't need to know if that is true or not. It doesn't matter. I can still know in my heart that Joseph Smith was a prophet that spoke to God.

2. I should listen to the council of my husband and the council of God. Scott has much good insight. The same email contained some advice for me regarding the children, about being more consistant in requiring them to be responsible with their chores. I can do better. I am trying to do better, and hopefully that will make the summer break and life in general easier for all of us.

3. I will be protected from the destroyer. I'm leaving out some details because these are sacred words from the temple, and I feel like it is not appropriate for me to say more. But I was impressed that I am doing what is right to keep myself safe from the clutches of Satan, that I am truly not the evil I that I wondered if I could be after reading that talk in last month's Ensign magazine.

One of the main things I did the night I received Scott's email and the following morning at the temple was pondering spiritual experiences in my past, experiences that I simply cannot deny coming from a loving Heavenly Father. Even as I write this, I feel overwhelmed by his love for all of his children, gay or straight, citizen or alien, believing member or cynical x-member. He loves all of us and focuses on the good in each of us. And eventually we will all end up where we are supposed to be. Maybe exhaultation is easier to get to than we think it is, or maybe the Celestial Kingdom is simply not the right place for everyone. I don't know. All I know is that I am at peace with where I am, with my activity in the church. And if Scott (and many others that I know that have resigned their church membership) is at peace with where he is, then maybe that is what is right for him. Maybe someday he will come back. Maybe he won't. But he is still a good man, and God knows that and can judge that when no one else can.

The Holy Ghost

I've never been very good at seeking answers to prayers. When I pray to make a specific decision, I usually don't feel a confirmation one way or the other, so I end up telling God that I'm going to do such and such and to let me know somehow if that is the wrong thing to do.

But I do (or I did) know what the holy ghost feels like. I have had some strong spiritual experiences where I have felt like the spirit was testifying something to me, and I was just sure of it.

Such was the case two years ago when I prayed to reconcile my personal gut feeling on gay marriage with what the church teaches. It took a while, but the answer finally came loud and clear. I'm not sure how to explain this, but I didn't get the answer as to whether gay marriage is really okay in the eyes of God, but I did feel that it was His will that I support it so that I could truly understand and empathize with the struggles of gay members of the church.

And so I've stuck to that answer and cannot deny that it is truly what my Heavenly Father wanted me to feel.

But some individuals do not believe it is possible for me to have received that revelation. They believe that I have mistaken the answer somehow and that it must be coming instead from the adversary. One of the talks in a recent stake conference was on personal revelation, and the speaker emphasized the idea from Elder Oaks's recent talk in general conference that personal revelation cannot contradict what the leaders of the church are saying.

Today in relief society the lesson was on the holy ghost. The question was asked by the teacher, how do you know when you are feeling the holy ghost? I do not even attempt to voice my opinion in relief society any more. But especially on this subject I must take a back seat. I thought I knew what the holy ghost felt like, but if revelation I've received on gay issues is from Satan rather than from God, then I must have absolutely no idea what the holy ghost feels like or how to receive personal revelation.

So why even bother trying anymore? That's what I think. Everything I've ever felt or believed with all my heart to be true could just be a lie.

But I don't think it is. I'm pretty darn sure that God lives, that Christ lives and died for me, and that the gospel of Jesus Christ as taught by the Mormons is true.

But I am also sure of the position I am to take with regards to gay issues, and that I have a responsibility that I need to continue to pursue with the gay community.

And that makes church attendance and faith in the teachings of my leaders as hard as ever. I still wonder what the future will bring. Will I leave the church eventually? Will I come back in full force and truly "see the light" and believe every word? Or will I continue to stay agonizingly in the middle, unable to deny any of the things that I believe that the holy ghost has told me are true. Things that many believe are in direct conflict with each other.

No idea. But it makes me blah, that's for sure.

Take it or leave it

I had a seminary teacher that talked about the blacks receiving the Priesthood, and how it could not have happened sooner because of the culture of the time. It came when God knew it was time to come, time that the members of the church could accept it, and the outside world could deal with the Mormons accepting it. Imagine how much worse the persecution of the Saints in the early days of the church would have been if blacks had been treated as equals.

But I'm sure there were members that knew in their hearts that it would come, even though leaders of the church had said otherwise, some even indicating that it never would, that blacks were born inferior because of their lineage back to Cain and their behavior in the pre-existence.

I believe that the situation with gay rights is much the same, that God knows right now is not the time. Many members of the church are not ready for such acceptance, and other Christian churches would hate the Mormons even more. But I believe the time will come. It will probably still be a long while yet. The apostles must all be in agreement, and there are some apostles that will never be ready for this, so time (and some apostles) must pass first. But it will happen, and then there will be members on the other side of the issue that will find themselves struggling to follow the Prophet, just as many of us are struggling with this right now.

And because it will take time, there will be more suicides. There will be more disowned gay children. There will be more mixed orientation "eternal" marriages that end in divorce, bringing pain to both adults and any children involved.

But I have to have faith that everything will be made clear when God knows it is the right time.

And so I face the struggle with knowing what is right in my heart and still having faith in my testimony of the LDS faith and in a living prophet.

My daughter faces the same struggle as she says, "Why would God require marriage as part of the plan of salvation AND allow people to be gay?" As she and I discuss this and question it, she comes up with the same conclusion on her own: there has to be something that God has not yet revealed. There has to be!

And so we have faith that the gospel is true, but that everything will be made right.

The proclamation on the family has room for such revelation. It does not use the word "only". If it is inspired, and if God knows all things that are to come, don't you think "ONLY between a man and a woman" would be in there?

And so it is that many will say I am a heretic, that I am deceived. So it is that I cannot have a current temple recommend. But just like Joan of Arc, I cannot deny how I feel. I cannot deny that I believe the spirit has whispered this to me. And so I stand up with courage, refusing to deny my religious and political beliefs on gay rights. At least I don't face being literally burned at the stake for it, but I have definitely chosen chastisement over the freedom to live as a "Molly Mormon" any more.

When I said on Facebook, jokingly, to one of my high school acquaintances that quoted Elder Holland in an effort to help me realize I am deceived, and I stated that I believe the leaders of the church are deceived instead, that is really not quite how I feel. Rather than deceived, I believe that they have simply yet to receive further light and knowledge on this issue. But I believe it will come, and then we will all know how our precious gay and lesbian brothers and sisters fit into the plan of happiness.

Until then, I believe God smiles on those who try to deny their feelings and live the gospel, on those who stick with mixed orientation marriages for the sake of their beliefs and spouse and children. I believe he weeps when it becomes too hard, and one of them takes their own life, but forgives them and receives them into his arms. I believe he cries with spouse and children when marriages break, but smiles on the parents and rejoices in their efforts to remain friends and keep the family together as much as possible, and smiles when they find happiness with other partners. I believe he smiles on and shares in the joy of two men or two women finding and loving each other, committing themselves to serving and caring for each other, even without "marriage" if they must, even without the promise of eternal life, according to what they are taught.

I believe God looks on our individual circumstances and blesses our efforts to do the best we can with the situations we are in.

And these beliefs bring me peace and hope as I face rough times, and as I recognize and rejoice in the baby steps being made with regards to gay rights, like Judge Walker's ruling on Proposition 8 in California this past week.

Take it or leave it. None of you will convince me otherwise at this point. And if I am totally wrong, I believe God will forgive me, for in my heart I simply have the best of intentions as I try my best to follow the commandment to love others and to live the gospel the best I can with the circumstances I am in, and as I teach my children to do the same.

Trust in the Lord

After missing three weeks of church for illness, appendectomy, and Pride of course, the kids and I finally all made it to church this past week for the entire block.

I gave it my best effort, attending half of Sunday School (more on that later) and all of Relief Society (in addition to Sacrament meeting, of course).

Scott prepared me for church that morning by saying, "Haven't you had that baby yet?" and "Wow, you look like you are ready to pop!" (Comments like I have heard at church toward the end of past pregnancies that have driven me crazy.  Some of the worst include "When are you going to squirt that baby out?" and "When are you due? (me: in like 2-3 months.) Oh, you look like you are due any minute!" (I chewed the lady out for that one. I was the choir director at the time, and she and her husband stopped coming to choir. Oh well.) In reality, though, everyone was really nice to me, sympathetic and encouraging that I could endure another three weeks.  It helped a lot that I felt good and was in a relatively good mood as well.

Sacrament meeting was presented by the missionaries serving in our Stake, and the topic was "Honor thy Father and thy Mother." I thought they did a pretty good job. They mentioned how parents should set a good example for their children in living the gospel and keeping the commandments. But what I really liked was when they emphasized that even if we have parents that are doing things we think are wrong, we can still honor them. They are our parents and it is a commandment to honor them regardless of how they act. I know Scott is confusing and concerning the children a bit, but this was a nice reminder for me (and maybe for the kids, if they were listening) that we can all still love and honor him for the wonderful man and father that he is.

The talks were short, so a member of the bishopric filled in a bit at the end, reminding us that at a recent Stake Conference (which means I was probably not there, since I have missed that last two) that the main topic and warning was that Satan is doing all he can to destroy the family. Then he rambled a bit about how that applies to honoring our parents, etc.

But my brain went a different direction. With the documentary coming out in theaters this week, and also closing arguments for the Proposition 8 trial in CA, it occurred to me that Satan is working SO hard to destroy the family that he is doing it from within the church, deceiving even the very elect. I wonder if the church leaders are yet understanding just how their efforts with the prop 8 campaign are destroying the family, or if they still have blinders on, thinking that all they have done has been to help and support the family. The church has had a major influence in trying to destroy my own family, and even Scott and my extended families.  And I know stories from some of our gay friends that show how the destruction in their families is even worse than it is in ours. Why can't they see how they are offending and driving people who are parts of families away from the church instead of just loving and accepting them? It has pinned fathers and mothers against gay children, brothers and sisters against gay siblings, and of course, don't forget the straight spouses and children that are based on a family structure that most of the time just does not work. HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE WORK OF SATAN? And why can't they see it? Why? Look at the contention it has caused, and contention is definitely of the devil.

Moving on...

Sunday School was about King Saul, and how he started out as a good king, but then little by little made small choices to disobey, rationalizing his choices, and trusting in himself more than in the Lord. Scott denies that he is doing this, but I really do wonder and worry about him. I read through his patriarchal blessing a couple of weeks ago, and was concerned about the warning in his blessing, mentioned more than once, not to get caught up in following the ways of the world. I thought of it again as I read this scripture during the lesson:

Proverbs 3: 5-8


Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.
It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

I found it interesting that a line from the Word of Wisdom is in this passage. In a recent blog post, Scott mentioned feeling that the Word of Wisdom was meant as a suggestion, which it was, I guess. But doesn't it all have to do with how it fits in this scripture?  God gives us commandments and suggestions, and I believe that each of us has our own path to follow, but if we make sure that God is directing that path (through personal revelation or scriptures or leaders or whatever touches our hearts as being for each of us from God), then we will more likely find happiness on that path. Scott says he feels like he is following the spirit in his decisions, and I hope he really is, that it is not just his own wisdom and understanding leading him along.

Then there is this scripture:

1 Samuel 16:7

But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

I think this scripture can go two ways. As I read it in context, the Lord was telling Samuel that even though someone seemed to be a good man, that the Lord could see his heart and knew otherwise. But I think in general that we can interpret this scripture to mean that it is for the Lord to judge, and not for us to make assumptions about anyone based on appearances. Scott is a good man with a good heart, but many church leaders, family, friends and blog readers, and even I have sometimes judged him too harshly, at least in my opinion.

Do I sound like I am confused about whether Scott is doing the right things or not? Definitely yes. In a nutshell, I am concerned, and I guess I long for the temple marriage and the perfect little church attending family that I once had to still be the same. But do I also know that Scott is a good man? Yes. And can I blame him for being so withdrawn from the church now after all we have been through with Prop 8 and local church leaders over the last 2 years? Definitely not. My concern is how his withdrawal from the church has pushed him more and more toward things of the world that he no longer has any problem with, but I do, and I worry about how our children might be influenced by that. Maybe it is good for them to see and then make their own choices.

Anyway, I should stop with the rambling and go back to the lesson...

At one point the teacher presented the question "Is there ever a time that it is okay to not follow the prophet?" One lady raised her hand and said, "No, never." The teacher responded that he thought there could be exceptions on occasion, but that the person should make absolutely sure that the personal revelation to them is accurate. I was glad for his comment, but I tire of the attitude of so many others, that we should pray to know that what the prophet says is true, not whether or not it is true. Like Scott has said before, why bother praying or seeking personal revelation at all if following the prophet blindly is what we are to do? What about Nephi, who chose to follow personal revelation to obtain the brass plates, instead of strict obedience to "Thou shalt not kill, lie, and steal."?

I was in a good mood, so I decided at that point to leave Sunday School so that I would not become angry and bitter about being there.

On the way home from church, I asked my daughter about her new Mia Maid class. She told me the lesson was on missionary work, and how a couple of girls shared personal experiences to go with the lesson. One girl was concerned (and emotional) that a couple of her older siblings are not involved in church any more, and it made her sad to think that they may not be able to attend her temple wedding someday. My daughter didn't say anything about that same issue affecting her, wondering if her own parents would be able to attend her future marriage. She wasn't emotional at all when she told me about the other girl crying. I wondered if she had thought about it, but I didn't ask. All I said to her was that I hoped I could get my temple recommend back sometime, that I am not a bad person, and I don't understand it, but I've stopped caring and stressing about it and pursuing it any more. I'm not willing to close my blog, so I guess I will just wait until some church leader tells me I can have it back. And since it is not likely they will call me in and offer it to me, maybe I will never have one again. Oh well. Typing those words don't even really phase me. I am tired of the battle and I am not going to fight it. I know that I am worthy of my recommend, and I know that God knows it, and I guess that will have to be enough for now.

Last week I received an email from another supportive straight spouse (or x-spouse, I guess) that I can totally relate to. This person said: 

"Why do we Mormons choose to look truth in the face and refuse to acknowledge it? Why do we believe logic and faith are incompatible?  Why do we turn our reason over to others that clearly exercise none?  Why do we turn over our reason and our will over to others?  Why am I still frustrated that the people I love and have admired all my life act like sheep?  Why do I let it hurt me that they will not listen, consider, or dignify what I have to say with so much as a thoughtful response? Why do I feel betrayed by their inability to see me as anything but deceived by the devil?   Why do I let it hurt me when now they look to my family for confirmation that we are screwing up, and refuse to see the many positive evidence of goodness?  Why does any of this even matter to me?  Why can I not be at peace with the knowledge that I am doing the right thing?"

 I wasn't sure what to tell them, other than I had all the same questions. But then I typed this response:

"You are more than welcome to vent. I do understand. All the same things, all of your questions in the first paragraph. I have not been to church for about 3 weeks because of illness (me or the kids) but I have not missed it. I plan to go Sunday, but it is just so different than it used to be because I am so different. The church will never be the same to me as it once was, and it is sad, like I've lost something incredible.

I will pray for you. It seems like those of us that are going through this have so many other things piling on us as well, and sometimes my brain wonders if it could be a punishment for my beliefs. I don't think so, though.  We are being tested in a refiners fire. Yes, maybe Satan is working overtime on us because he knows we are special, he knows we can have a huge influence in this battle as allies for those we love."

Do you think that my response was inspired?  That maybe, just maybe we are not being punished for doing what is wrong, but being tested to see if we can still follow the Lord's personal direction to us, despite what everyone else seems to think?

And so it is that I continue to try my best to trust in the Lord, to find the path that He is leading me on and do what He would have me do--for Scott, for our kids, for the gay community, for the church and our extended family and friends, and of course for myself.  Attending church when I can and clinging to my core testimony of the gospel I believe are a part of that path, but not as big a part as they were in earlier years and phases of my life. There is so much else that is good and glorious that I cannot ignore, like rejoicing in the wedding today of two incredible friends, two young men that are going to be incredible spouses to each other and incredible fathers someday. I am so grateful that they are part of our lives, and I would not trade any hardships I have been through in the past couple of years for having them and many others as dear friends.

Done?

Yesterday I was casually chatting with my mom, when she told me they had a home teacher come for the first time in a few months. The man's teenage son is supposed to come with him, but apparently he is having problems with the son not wanting to go to church, etc. She was going on about how it is hard to know what to do about something like that, every child should come with an instruction manual, etc.

In one phrase, I changed the casual conversation to a not so casual one. I said, "I have the opposite problem: teenagers that want to go to church and parents that don't want to go with them." My mom is great, not judgemental, trying to sympathize and understand and keep the conversation light, but by the end, I know that I left her with a large amount of stress in her mind regarding something she really can do nothing about.

But today I went to church anyway.  Daughter singing in Sacrament meeting with the Young Women. Son passing the Sacrament. Both of them substituting in Primary while we had a 5th Sunday every-adult-in-the-ward meeting during Relief Society and Priesthood.

I felt horrible--headache, really tired (but the party was worth it :), and had another panic attack during Sacrament meeting, so I took it easy, sat in the foyer to listen to the bishop's lesson.  I was sitting by the stake offices and heard a discussion about girl scout cookies, so I stepped in to see if anyone needed to order any, and the stake president said from his office across the hall, "Put me down for this and this, please."  Then he said, "Sarah, come in here for a minute." The conversation did not go well.  He has been waiting for a month and a half for me to respond to questions in an email he sent me, questions that I didn't really feel like needed answered. And of course he said it all with an "I love you, but...". I don't need that kind of love, the kind that comes with a condition and lots of advice on how I need to live my life.  I rolled my eyes and left.  I texted Scott through the rest of the lesson, then sobbed all the way home.

For my own mental health, I have to be done.  Sorry Mom, sorry kids.  I have to take care of myself first, and continuing to go is not helping anyone.

Sundance Movie Review

I know, some of you have been anxiously awaiting my opinions and review of the infamous documentary. I have lots of excuses for why I have not done it yet, most of which are related to being a busy, pregnant mom.  But the real excuse has more to do with the fact that I am not really sure how I felt about it.  I thought maybe if I gave myself some time, I would figure it out. Not sure if that did any good. So, as usual, I am hoping that by writing about it, I will be able to better understand what I thought of it.

Before I give you details of the film itself, let me give you a couple of reasons why I think I am not sure what I really think...

1.  I think Scott's review could have influenced me.  I knew before I saw it what he liked and didn't like and how it made him feel. I watched him tear up as he related some of the stories, and I understood how much it really hurt him.

2. I am too closely involved in the project, and the subject of it is also one of my greatest sources of inner conflict even without the film: LDS church vs. gay rights. I would really love to read a review by someone who has no bias one way or the other.  Based on a couple of articles I have read in the newspaper this week about the film, there are people in the church that believe it is filled with lies and deceptions. My main problem is that I believe the information presented in the film is true, and therefore it is very disturbing to the part of me that loves the church so much.

3. When I viewed the film, I was with some good friends, but since Scott was not with me, my anxiety was probably a bit more intense than it would have been.  We walked from the parking lot to the theater (a mile or two uphill because it sounded like taking a bus was going to be complicated and take just as long), and so between being exhausted from that, and the edginess I was feeling during the film itself due to its content, I had contractions (braxton hicks contractions, not labor) throughout the movie that made me even more anxious, making it feel like more of a negative experience than I believe it actually was.

Okay, now for an overview of the film.  WARNING: SPOILER ALERT as I reveal every detail I can remember.  As Scott mentioned, the film began with and had interspersed throughout both video and audio clips from a broadcast to members in California last year, calling them to action in helping with the Yes on 8 campaign.  The broadcast had Elder Clayton, Elder Ballard, and someone else from the Quorum of the Seventy (I think) sitting around a table, taking turns talking about what they needed the members to do, and why the church taking a stand on this issue is so important. There was only a small amount of video available, and so the main content that Reed was able to use for the film was a low quality MP3 audio track.  As Scott mentioned, Reed chose to present the audio segments with ominous music and sounds in the background, the voices distorted, the video blurry, zoomed in and in slow motion. I knew from Scott's description that it would be that way, so I really did not form my own opinion on the formatting, but rather focused on what was being said and how it fit into the rest of the content of the movie. I understand that Reed was putting his own feelings into it by presenting it that way, but for a documentary, it probably would have been better to have a still photo of the man who was talking with that segment of audio track.

The first fourth of the movie contained these clips from the broadcast, interspersed with photos of documents with certain sentences popping out as the narrator read them.  The documents were emails and letters dating back to 1996 between President Hinckley, Elder Maxwell and others.  They all had to do with politics in Hawaii, becoming involved in the gay marriage fight without making it evident they were involved, helping to establish a coalition that would act more or less on behalf of the church without anyone knowing it was the church.  The main spokesperson that they found for the coalition was an LDS mother, but her religion was not known in the campaign.  Rather, she was simply known as the president of an educational organization and a concerned mother, fighting for her children. It was very disturbing to me for a couple of reasons: they specifically kept using words such as "secret" and talked about how they were doing the work of God. Also was the fact that President Hinckley was involved, and I am doing my best to forgive him for that because I have loved and admired him so much.

So, when the CA election came around, they followed many of the same procedures they did in Hawaii, making sure that the National Organization for Marriage was formed, led by Elder Holland's son.

But this time, after the general leadership presented the request for time and monetary help to the leaders and members in CA, some of the leaders may have taken it too far.  I doubt that an instruction to do this came from SLC, but in some cases, the film indicated that members were approached with the words "We've looked at your tithing records, we know what your income is, and we believe you can pay this much to the campaign.  We will wait while you write the check." A family with 5 young children gave $50,000--their children's college savings. Both the church and the coalition created many advertisements, which of course could not be inexpensive. The coalition created one that had video from a young school class that happily attended their lesbian teacher's wedding to another woman.  The parents were outraged.  They did not give permission for their children to appear in a public advertisement, especially to help the Yes on 8 campaign that they did not agree with.

There were also clips in between from an interview with Emily Pearson, daughter of Carol Lynn Pearson, formerly LDS, whose dad died of AIDS and who married and later divorced a gay Mormon man.  Nothing was said about her marriage, and not much about her dad.  Mostly her interview explained some of the beliefs and teachings of the LDS church, explained how hearing a letter signed by the first presidency meant to most members that it was a message from God himself, explained how certain phrasings in asking for time and money would be recognized by members who had covenanted in the temple to do all they could to build up the church on the earth.

Also interspersed through the presentation of this information was the story of two gay men, also formerly LDS (one a returned missionary), who were one of the first couples to get married in June of 2008. It shared their joy in being able to marry, and their pain when one of their LDS families would not rejoice in their marriage and happiness and when protesters in San Francisco, in the name of God and morality and children, held up signs on the street that eventually helped to possibly make their marriage invalid.  They were heartbroken when the proposition passed, and could not understand why people would want to hurt them so much.

There was other deception as members were asked to knock on doors, but go dressed in normal clothing so as not to look like missionaries or have the image of being part of the LDS church in the campaign.

As Scott mentioned, there was also a short portion that explained some LDS theology regarding the plan of salvation, how we are all spirit children of God, literal offspring of a heavenly father and also a heavenly mother, and that our ultimate goal in life and the eternities is to marry and live righteously so that we can also become Gods and have our own spiritual children, something that would be seemingly impossible with two members of the same sex. Also brought up was how polygamy fits into this plan, and briefly how members in the early days of the church practiced polygamy, and how even though members no longer practice it, they believe it will exist in the next life and forever. The presentation was fairly straightforward and accurate.  The only thing that bothered me was the background music, "If You Could Hie to Kolob".  I love that hymn, and I did not really want to remember or associate it with the angry and anxious things I was feeling through the film, although it did fit the subject being presented very well.

So, that was a major portion of the film.  Then the subject changed.  My reaction changed from shocked anticipation of what else would be revealed to horrified pain and sadness as the following stories were shared.

The most painful was the story of a man that attended BYU in the 70's, that was asked to come into the office of the campus police under the guise of helping with an investigation.  He was shown a list of about twelve male students, of which his name was one, and was told that it was a list of who they thought were homosexuals.  He was told where and when to come on another day, without any indication of what would happen. At the first appointment he was shown pornography and given twice the normal dose of ipecac to make him throw up while watching the pictures.  At other appointments he was hooked up to an electro-shock system on his wrists, chest, and genitals.  He was given a button to control the shock, then had to watch more photos, and was told to push the button to shock himself any time he saw anything that he thought was sinful or that he enjoyed looking at.  The photos included naked men. He knew of someone else who refused to push the shock button, so those doing the "treatment" pushed it for him, and it resulted in him thereafter having sexual dysfunction. Of the 12 on the list, I think 10 committed suicide within a couple of years.  The interviewee himself attempted suicide.  As he related the experience, sometimes the film showed him talking, and at other times it was a reenactment of an ipecac drink being mixed, a person being strapped into a chair, and flashes of light (from the pictures being shown) in the background.  It was extremely emotional. You could see the excruciating pain it caused him just to remember and relate the experience. Scott said he was sitting behind them in the theater, and that he said it was a good healing process for him to watch himself in the film.

The film then went on to interviews with other gay Mormons, young ones (2 men and 2 women) who have attempted suicide.  Interspersed were also clips from an interview with a mother (not the mother of the other interviewees, but she and her husband have been very involved in Affirmation and Family Fellowship.  I have met them several times, and they are just the sweetest people.  I first saw her speak at the candle-light vigil right before the infamous election.).  Anyway, she spoke of attending funerals for young gay LDS who have committed suicide, one that specifically happened during the Prop 8 campaign. She spoke of how nothing is ever mentioned at the funerals of the struggles they faced with same-sex-attraction, how some of them were buried in wooden boxes because their families refused to treat them with honor and respect. One of the young men that was interviewed is a close friend of ours.  I remember clearly him sitting in our living room a year ago, clinging to his boyfriend's hand for comfort, all of us crying as he related his story of taking some pills, of his subsequent journey past that moment, finding peace and comfort in his choice to now have a boyfriend.  The spirit was strong as it testified to me of God's love for our friend, and God's mercy for his journey and choices. I have an incredible amount of love for that friend, for sharing such details of his life with us, and for being one of my greatest supports through my tough times.

Anyway, back to our story.  The next segment was about Stuart Matis, his suicide several years ago in front of his Stake Center in CA when the gay marriage debate was in the news the first time.  Of his parents writing a book, "In Quiet Desperation" and how they were relieved when he took his life and was freed from his mortal pain and struggles.  (I started trying to read that book at one time, but I could not get past the first few chapters after reading that his mom knew he intended to take his own life.  If I had been her, I would not have left his side for a moment!) It did bother me though, as they played the audio from a phone conversation with Brother Matis, and how they refused to interview for this film.  The Matis's hold a monthly fireside in Alpine, and they have done so much good for so many gay Mormons.  Reed's film did not acknowledge their efforts at all, and that made me kind of sad. (Scott, what did you say about this when I was talking to you about it?)

Next came a segment about homeless youth in SLC.  It followed teenagers to where they live two stories underground, how their LDS families kicked them out for being gay.  When asked how they find hope in this situation, they responded that there is no hope.  There were interviews with a couple of women that I know who work for organizations that help homeless youth and gay youth.  One of the women conducted the training I went to at the pride center for starting a GSA last summer. They told of how they would love to be able to take these youth into their own homes and care for them, but how it is against the law in Utah to do something like that. Very sad.

The last segment of the film was sort of the comic relief, as interviews with Chris Butters and Gayle Ruizka were presented, with their ludicrous and horrible words against gays, backed by their stalwart membership and belief in the LDS church. It showed footage from last year's legislative session when Equality Utah attempted to get a "Common Grounds" bill with equal rights in housing, employment, and hospital visitation to be considered by the Utah legislature. Mr. Butters was asked to apologize for comparing gays to Muslims, and he refused to ever do so. He was proud of being known for keeping gay clubs out of schools and the Utah constitution marriage amendment from a few years ago (making marriage only between a man and a woman.)


Toward the end of the film, there was a clip of a talk from President Monson at the pulpit at General Conference saying, "With God on our side, there is nothing that can defeat us." I fear that some who see the movie may think that his words were talking specifically about the gay marriage issue, but I know him well enough to realize that it was part of a talk in which he was simply encouraging each of us individually that with God in our lives, we can accomplish and endure anything that comes our way. I love President Monson and his words, and the way he always encourages us to be positive as we try each day to be better people.  So it saddened me that this message was used out of context, in a way that people can judge our beloved prophet.  However, the way it was used was appropriate to the film regarding the attitude of the church in general, and I think there are many members and leaders of the church that believe Prop 8 passed because it was God's will, and because members followed the requests of their leaders in doing what needed to be done with their time and money to get it to pass.

The discussion after the movie was the best part for me. As cast members went up front, I was kind of glad I was not with them, thinking how nervous I would be in front of all of those people in the theater.  The audience was allowed to ask questions, and the first one was if the cast feared any consequences to them individually from the church for being in the film.  Emily Pearson answered, "Hell, no!" and everyone laughed.  Linda Stay (mother of one of the young men married in CA, featured in the beginning of the film) talked about how many of their extended family are active members in the church, and this movie will of course cause strained relations with them (even more than already exist). The other mother, Millie Watts, looked really uncomfortable being upfront, and I felt like I could relate to the expression on her face, and was again very glad I was not up there.

Another question that came along was from someone out of town, and probably based on Butter's comment about gay clubs in the schools, she asked if any of the schools were able to have anything to offer support to gay and lesbian youth.  Linda talked about how students from four schools in St. George tried this past year to get an organization going, and how they met with resistance, to the point of the principal canceling all clubs in the school so that he would not be required by law to allow the gay one.  Millie, who was involved helping the GSA at East High School a few years back, mentioned that Provo High School (yes, Provo, in the center of Mormonism) had a club for a while, but she was not sure if they still did, because it depends on having a student or students who are willing to run it and keep it going.  When those students graduate, if there is no one to take over, then the club kind of disappears.  By this time I was SO wishing I was standing up front so I could offer my two cents, so I anxiously raised and waved my hand. Reed called on me and I stood and shared my students' success this year in starting a club, that we met with a bit of resistance last year, but this year the worst that has happened is fliers being torn off the walls.  My comment was met with applause, and it felt really good. I had my moment to let my voice be heard.

Okay, now, as for the overall effect of the movie on me and the reason I am confused and frustrated over how it made me feel: I am angry with the church, and since I have been having a hard time with church attendance anyway, I think this just might put me over the edge.  Scott came and picked me up in Park City, and on the way home I told him about how I was feeling, that same torturous inner conflict, that the church I grew up with and loved so much had honestly done such deceitful, secretive, and hurtful things. But the conversation was not productive, because Scott has himself let go of that conflict.  He is in a different place than I am; he is done with the church and is one-by-one severing the ties and letting go of the conflict, and he believes it would be best for my mental health to do the same.  But I can't.  I can't let go of the church any more than I can let go of him. But then there is MoHoHawaii's comment on my last blog that rings true to some things I have thought about, and that is if I have to make a choice between the church and my marriage and holding my family together, then maybe it is better to choose my family.  (Not that Scott is forcing me to make that choice, just that I can see it as a drifting point in our marriage right now.) That evening when I came home, I asked the children what they would want to do if I took a break from church for a while.  They were concerned and didn't really understand what I meant until I turned it into a multiple choice question: stay home with me, have me take them to church and drop them off to sit and attend by themselves, or attend with another family in the ward.  The two younger children made no comment and seemed unaffected.  The two older ones immediately started listing their obligations and (somewhat sadly) said that they would want me to take them and drop them off and they would attend by themselves.

The next day at school, I kind of told my friend that is in a bishopric what had been going on over the last month with Scott and I and the documentary, and I started by asking the question: "If I have to choose between the church and my marriage, what should I choose?" With clarification that Scott was not forcing me to make that choice, he said without hesitation something to the effect of, "Considering the ages of your children, you should definitely choose your marriage over church."

What do I do? I mean that as a rhetorical question, because I believe only God can answer that for me.  I value your thoughts and opinions, but ultimately, it is between me and God to decide what to do.  Please continue to pray for me.  I really haven't knelt down and asked the question because I am afraid of the answer. I am afraid of getting no answer.  I am afraid of getting an answer, because all of the choices have drawbacks to them and will make me sad. But I am not sure I can just keep doing what I'm doing, going along not knowing what I want to do or what the future will bring.

We have a therapy session scheduled this week.  Maybe that will help. Meanwhile, I have an LDS cousin in CA who saw the discussion about the movie between Scott and I on facebook, and sent me a message to find out more about it.  I sent her my blog address, and she is now losing sleep over me, and wants to know what my goals are.  Maybe that will be good material for an upcoming post...

Answer to Prayer?

I blogged recently about wanting an answer for Christmas--an answer about what I should do regarding church, for me, for our children and for our whole family.

I spent some time really praying about it that day, and though I didn't get an answer, I did think through some possibilities, and felt peace that the answer would be coming...that I just needed to be patient.

Today came a new indication of changes and future answers.  Next Sunday night there will be some ward boundary changes in our stake, and we will be getting a new Bishopric.  (My daughter and I immediately looked at each other and tried not to smile TOO big when the announcement was made today.)

This also sheds some light on why it is taking so long for my Stake President to get back to me.  Obviously he has been very busy.

******

Today the Relief Society and Priesthood met together for the "Teachings for our Time" lesson from the conference talks, specifically Elder Holland's incredible talk from last April about the Atonement and how Christ was totally and completely alone at times through His agony.

During the lesson, two things touched me.  One was that even though Christ was part God and able to handle what He went through, He was also part mortal, with the fears and pains and anxiety that come with being so.  It was a good reminder of what I already knew, but had somehow forgotten, that He truly does understand every pain and feeling that we go through in mortality.

The second thing that really stood out to me today is that Christ was so misjudged and betrayed, that those who yelled for Him to be crucified really did not understand (or did not try to understand) who He was or what was in His heart. Or maybe they were afraid of the influence He was having and the good He was doing. The whole thing was completely unfair, and yet it happened, and it had a purpose, and we are all blessed because of it.

I know my situation pales in comparison to that of our Savior, but I also feel that I am being misjudged for doing things that are good. I just have to have faith that it all has a purpose, and that no matter what pain I may be going through because of it, my Savior understands my pain; He already felt it FOR me, and He can take it away. I just have to let Him take it and let it go, and meanwhile just keep doing the best I can to do what is right for me and my family.

Ward Temple Day

The bishop declared yesterday ward temple day, and that everyone should attend the temple with their families as a gift to the Savior this Christmas.

Wish I could.

So I sent my children instead.  They went with two of their cousins, and the oldest one drove.  They had 3 family names to do baptisms for, and my daughter decided to go along, hoping she could do some temple file names. It was my son's first time, and he was nervous. I longed to go with him.

But all went well without me.  The Oquirrh Mountain Temple was busy, so they each did their one family name, and that was it (daughter was given a card from a different family that was there). Son enjoyed it and realized that I was right when I told him he didn't need to be nervous.

Now my brother and sister will do the rest of the work without me. My mom doesn't know who else to have help with the sealing.  We talked about it a few weeks ago and stood and cried in her kitchen, holding each other. I cried as I told my parents that Scott no longer attends church with us. That he is no longer even trying to get his recommend.

I'm waiting to hear from the Stake President as he talks to active LDS (with recommends) who are also members of Affirmation (or rather, talks to their priesthood leaders, I guess).

I don't know what will happen.  I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.  I only hope I can pick up the pieces again when it is all over.  My desire to hang in there is wanning, and bitterness is starting to get the best of me. I pray often for my heart to be softened, that I can forgive my leaders.  But it is so hard.

Two weeks ago the kids and I stayed home from church with Scott.  I asked the kids the night before, "Do you want to go pass the Sacrament tomorrow?" "Do you want to go to Young Women's tomorrow?" "Do you want to go to Primary tomorrow?"  Each of them told me "not really."  So we slept in, we watched "Music and the Spoken Word" featuring Natalie Cole.  Scott made breakfast for us.  Sweedish pancakes! Yum! We listened to more uplifting music of Christmas and our Savior, and our home was filled with love and peace and the spirit.  I did not get a substitute for Relief Society music for the first time ever.  As expected, they survived without me.

It was so much easier than getting everyone up and fighting with them to get them ready, having our 4-year-old ask on the way to church, "Where is dad?", sitting through meetings fighting morning sickness and hoping I brought enough food with me, facing all the smiles and "how are you"'s of everyone in the ward, some of them obviously trying harder to reach out to me since I am there alone. Some of them asking where Scott is. And I tell them the truth, and I cry. I used to cry because he was not there with me.  Now I cry because I am not home with him, and I feel like a ward project. And worst of all, facing the occaisional comments in lessons about how the world is spiraling downward, and we need to be careful not to be distracted by even one tiny thing that we don't agree with, that might eventually cause us to completely give up that which is most important to us.

What is more important?  Going to church where I am in turmoil and conflict and cry all the time?  Or staying home with my family, feeling the peace of the spirit and the love that we share. But of course staying home guarantees that I will not get my recommend back. Curses.

Please, dear God, help me figure out what to do. What is best for my children.  What is best for Scott.  What is best for the unity and peace of our family. What is best for ME.

All I want for Christmas is an answer.

Haze

First of all, I am glad to be back.  I need to write, to vent, to explore my feelings. Not on a blog where I have to be anonymous.  Not on a private blog where the audience is limited and uninformed because they can't get the RSS feed. I need to know people are reading and thinking of me and using my words to help in their own lives and situations.  I only hope I can keep my words temple-worthy, and free from anything that would violate the privacy rights of others, especially my students. Anyway, here goes...

Why does it feel like I am stuck in the middle of haze? By haze, I don't mean that I am unhappy all the time, just that I am confused.  I have no idea how I should act or feel or even how I want to act and feel.  I have no idea if I want to keep going to church or not.  I have no idea if Scott and I are happy together or not.  I have no idea what his needs are or how I feel about him trying to meet those needs with a break from church or massage or whatever.  I have no idea if he wants more attention or affection from me or less.  I feel like I want more attention and affection from him, but not as a result of him knowing I want and need it, but just because he wants to give it me, because he loves me. (P.S.  - Sunday evening after I wrote this, even without Scott knowing about it and reading it, he finally opened up to me and we talked like we used to, deep conversation that we haven't done for a while, and he gave me the attention I was wanting.  It was almost like he had read my mind. :)

Three weeks ago was the first time I attended church after Scott proclaimed on his blog that he is done being "stuck." I did not expect him to come to church, but he ended up coming for the sacrament (to support our son passing it for the first time), and then I did not even stay for the meeting when the younger boys started acting up and the talk was making me uncomfortable. The rest of the "block" we were in the Stake President's office, so it was not a normal Sunday.

Then two weeks ago, our family all attended sacrament meeting because we were participating in the Primary program with a family musical number: Scott on piano, my daughter and I on violin, and the kids and I singing. It felt like old times, when I was the chorister or primary president and very involved in the primary program.  Following the program, Scott took our youngest child home with him because he (the child) was sick. Nothing felt any different from a typical Sunday 2 or 3 years ago.

One week ago we were up late with our friends on Halloween, we had company staying with us, I had a bad cold, one child also had cold symptoms, another child woke up early with a stomach virus.  We just all stayed home and had an extremely relaxing day, which was really, really nice. I slept a lot, and did not feel the least bit guilty about church because I was sick.  And because I was sick, I also didn't really care that the healthy members of our family were not there either.

So, today is really the first time since Scott's decision (to take a break for a while) that it was what I can probably come to expect from a "normal" Sunday.  The kids and I all went to church while Scott stayed home.  The children were well behaved, the talks were benign (and maybe even inspirational regarding the need and power of prayer in our lives.) I felt like I was where I should be, except that someone was missing,  As I started to sing each hymn during the meeting, I stopped during the first verse of each song, tears welling up in my eyes as I missed the warmth of Scott beside me (even though I was plenty warm from children beside me and leaning on me) and the sound of his gorgeous bass voice singing in harmony with my own.

During the meeting, I also thought about my son's upcoming Temple recommend interview this afternoon, and how I hope that I will hear from the Stake President soon regarding my own recommend, so that I can maybe take him myself to do the baptisms for the two male family members that my mom gave me the cards for yesterday.

I thought about the temple, about the ceremonies that I have not been able to participate in for a while, and my desire to be there, to hear the familiar words.  I felt again like I consider myself worthy to be there, that even though I associate with and sympathize groups of people that are angry with the church right now, I don't feel like it crosses the line.  Maybe it is close, but not across. There have been moments over the past 2 months that I have been bitter with the whole situation, and have truly felt unworthy.  I don't feel that way at the moment and I hope that sometime soon a decision will be made that will allow me to go. Meanwhile, I am trying to be patient, trying to become more worthy in heart and mind to be there, and seeking more opportunities at home to feel the spirit.

I enjoyed the meetings at church, I enjoyed the lessons and the friends that I have there and the conference issue of the Ensign that I began reading between Sunday School and Relief Society.  But I was sad, and in a haze, going through the motions, even feeling the spirit, but not knowing what the future brings for me, my family, Scott, church attendance, etc.

There are other things going on that add to this haze, other things that I am not sure about...but that will have to wait for a future blog post, when I am ready to post about them...

Numb

For months, Scott has said that he feels nothing at church.  I have still felt the spirit now and then.  Today I felt nothing.  I tried to pray during the sacrament to feel the spirit.  I prayed during testimony meeting when I felt nothing to feel something.  I enjoyed listening to Scott's ordination blessing as he ordained our oldest son to the office of a deacon.  Normally something like that would have brought chills up and down my spine and tears swelling in my eyes.  It was nice and all, but I felt nothing.  During Relief Society, the lesson was on Eternal Families.  During the part on marriage, I became uncomfortable and annoyed (not that anything specific was being said or emphasized, just that the temple sealing of one man and one woman is required for exaltation).  Instead of letting myself get annoyed, I tuned it out.  Then, toward the end of the lesson the topic turned to family, children honoring parents, etc.  The words of the lesson were sweet, and I love my family so much, but I felt nothing.

Scott says he is ready to move on.  He is stuck.  Stuck between feeling nothing and pretending to be a faithful, church-going member of the church.  He says he has decided that he needs to move on, and that probably means leaving the church behind.  I am jealous.  I want to be at that point for my own peace, but I cannot do it.  Maybe if Scott moves on, I will be able to as well.  But I worry about what this will mean to our children, to our posterity and generations to come.  Instead of worried, maybe I should just be happy that I can give them a gift. A gift of leaving the LDS culture behind along with all of the guilt and pain and agony that I am currently facing.

My patriarchal blessing says I will find joy in living, for happiness comes from within. Everyone says true happiness cannot be found outside of the church.  I have always been in the church and have rarely been happy.  Maybe it is time to experiment with the alternative. This is the hardest decision ever. For now I will continue to take it one week at a time, following the spirit as I make a choice each Sunday. That is all I can do until Heavenly Father tells me otherwise.

One and Only You

As promised, by Michael McClean from Distant Serenade:

There is a place here that only you can fill.
And this empty space awaits the magic you instill.
For your warm embrace does what nothing else can do.
You're second to none because you're the one and only you.

Something was missing until you came along.
And someone's been wishing you would fill their heart with song.
For no other melody can touch them like you do.
Their song goes unsung if not for the one and only you.

So don't waste your energy
Chasing a destiny
You were not sent here to claim.
That isn't the reason you came,
And you know that it's true.
You cannot truly be anything else,
So reach for the best in yourself.
You're more than a miracle;
You're the original you!

And if you should wonder if this could be the truth,
The hearts you have lifted up are more than living proof.
And if you are listening, a message is coming through
With thanks from above and love for the one and only you.

So which path is mine? The Stake President believes it is one direction and I have believed it is another. Am I "wasting [my] energy chasing a destiny [I] was not sent here to claim" ? Is there any way of following both paths at the same time? Where have I lifted more hearts, through my church callings in my ward or through my blog and parties, etc.? I am facing some tough decisions.  Wish I could go to the temple and pray about them. :)