Gospel Principles = Happiness?

Today (actually, I guess it was yesterday) our home teacher came and gave us a short lesson about setting a good example. He is a great man and friend, and teaches things in a very humble but confident way, very down to earth. In his message he commented that someday someone might thank us for our example, for standing up for what we know is right. But that no one would ever thank us for doing the wrong thing. Like "thanks for drinking that beer last night" or "thank you for watching that inappropriate movie."

It seemed as though he was mostly talking to my teenagers, not because he thought they needed it, but just because it is a common topic of choice for youth.

But I couldn't help but question the word "never" in his examples. When he gave the beer example, my mind wandered to my New Year's celebration, and how my friends at my house seemed surprised and maybe proud of me that I was willing to try a sip of the champagne that Scott had brought (He pre-approved bringing it with me first, for you curious stalkers out there.) It is now normal for me to try a sip of whatever drink Scott has ordered when we are out to dinner somewhere. So far the only thing that I have liked at all has been a sangria at Applebees. Even then, though, I limited myself to the one sip and I have never desired more. I really can't stand the taste of anything else I have tried, and I hate the way it burns going down my throat. When I first started tasting his drinks, I still had a temple recommend, and I did not feel bad about it. But now that I realize I shall never again have a recommend, it would seem that nothing should stop me from partaking. At least that is how it is with Scott and many of my other friends. But I have no desire to feel the affects of alcohol or to do anything other than taste.

Later today at Scott's parent's house, I overheard a conversation between Scott's dad and a nephew that is preparing for a mission. I was in and out of the audible location of the conversation since I was packing up food I had brought so that my family would be ready to leave. At one point I heard him say "Following gospel principals always makes life easier." I don't know if it was because he became aware of me standing by him at the time, but he seemed to glance at me and say "at least it usually does."

I reponded with "I don't know about that. I was following gospel principles when all hell broke loose in my life."

To which he responded, "But it does make it easier to handle things that come into our lives."

I could have said more, but instead I walked away since I had the cake packaged up and was ready to go. It's moments like these that make me understand why Scott is so uncomfortable in the presence of his family, and why he has chosen not to come at all for the last seven months, other than dinner on Christmas Eve.

On the way home, I sort of processed my thoughts outloud with my daughter. Last week I went to Sacrament meeting and later to a fireside about the upcoming stake pioneer trek this summer, and I spent time crying as a result, with my typical messed-up recovery day on Monday. I ended up crying at lunch to my friends about my post-traumatic stress with listening to my Stake President speak. My active Mormon friends suggested that it was essential that I stop putting myself in that situation and that attending a different ward in a different stake might be a good option.

So I mentioned to my daughter that last weekend was hard on me because of my church attendance, but that today was wonderful with no church attendance. I was going to go because a couple of our neighbors were reporting on their missions, and in fact last week the kids and I had decided that we would all go, but the three oldest kids went while I stayed home with the younger two, the three of us suffering from a mild cold.

So, does following the principle of attending church meetings make life easier? For me and lots of other people I know, absolutely not. That even includes gay-friendly firesides, where the presiding leader gets up to give closing remarks, and knowing his audience, still talks about following the prophet and attending the temple. And that was not in my stake, so I'm not sure that attending somewhere else would be any better for me.

I apologized to my daughter for my being such a bad example (such as sipping champagne on New Years) and she said "You aren't a bad example. You are a good example." She has chosen (at the moment) to be active in the church, and it does not seem to be causing her any anxiety or changing the ways she views gay rights or our gay friends. She honors and recognizes my struggle and decisions regarding church attendance, and does not hold it against me in the least. And she smiled and said, "Be glad that all of this has kept you from becoming like the _________." (Insert name of an extremely righteous family in our ward with extrememly sheltered children.)

If gospel principles are just those outlined in the fourth article of faith, then that would be faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism, and gift of the holy ghost. I do the first two, and I've done the second two. I guess I don't repent of what others think I should repent of--like dissing the prophet on facebook (which was really more like dissing the gospel principles manual), and I guess I have not been attending Sacrament meeting very much lately to take the Sacrament and renew my baptismal covenants, but is all that being too technical? I still try to repent of things that I do that I realize are actually wrong, and right the wrong when possible.

Now that I've brought up the gospel principles manual, I believe that is more likely what my father-in-law means by gospel principles, including honesty and law of chastity and word of wisdom, etc, etc.

As I was processing with my daughter, I mentioned that most Mormons are way to picky about following all of the tiny guidelines with exactness, without deviation, firmly believing that is the only way to be happy.

But I am happier now that I've loosened up a bit with regards to Scott drinking, and by showing him that I really have with my sincere desire to taste-test. I believe it has helped to strengthen our friendship and our newly-defined relationship as co-parents and friends.

I am usually happier now that I don't attend all of my church meetings, other than a bit of guilt that comes from 37 years of regular church attendance.

Happier now that I have a broader view of life and religion and spirituality. (I've begun attending a class on "Integral Spirituality" at a Universal Unitarian church one evening a week.)

I believe that I continue to maintain values and beliefs that will keep me out of trouble and help me to be more happy in the long run, and I am teaching those to my children. In fact, we just decided last week to follow a weekly reading schedule in the Book of Mormon as outlined in the January issue of The Friend magazine.

But I have no idea exactly where the path I am on will end up, and at the moment, I am okay with that. (Who knows how I might feel about it tomorrow.)

Thanks for reading my ramblings, as usual. I wish I had time to post more often. Goodnight.

Pioneers

I couple of weeks ago I was reading an article about recent law-making in NY, and was surprised to notice that the new law making gay marriage legal takes affect on July 24, which happens to be a big day here in Utah because it is the day that we celebrate the main group of Mormon pioneers arriving in the salt lake valley in the year 1847.

I found the date rather ironic. The LDS church began in the state of New York when a 14-year-old boy from Palmyra by the name of Joseph Smith prayed to know which church he should join. There are obviously significant Mormon pioneers who came from New York.

Now New York is producing new pioneers that are not afraid to stand up for freedom, lawmakers that are leading the way, along with a few other states, in the gay marriage battle. Pioneer day this year gives us a whole new reason to celebrate pioneers of freedom, of the battles and pressures they face, their strength and determination to stand up for what they know is right!

This past Sunday in my church meetings, the high council speaker in Sacrament meeting described the first Pioneer day celebration, which I summarize:

The pioneers celebrated first in 1849. The theme of the celebration was patriotism. So even as the saints were pushed away by a governor, and denied help from the president, with soldiers marching their direction, they celebrated patriotism and loyalty to their country. They raised a huge flag on a tall pole and celebrated their freedom.

The description of the event reminded me of the gay pride celebration here in SLC, the same city that celebrates pioneer day every year. In early June each year, thousands of people come to celebrate who they are, celebrate the authenticity of their loved ones, even in the midst of the religious headquarters of a church that seeks to thwart and deny their freedoms, (a church who ironically knows first hand about fighting for freedom.) And yet they celebrate, undaunted by the protestors, and every year the numbers increase and those who attend and participate are overcome by the feelings of unity and community and hope and pride by a very diverse group of people.

Pioneer day this year gives me many more reasons to celebrate the pioneers amongst us, and I look forward to celebrating it with Scott and the kids. :)

Prop 8 unofficial apology

I'm sure most of you have seen this already, but it is pretty sweet, so I had to share.

Here is an account from Carol Lynn Pearson of a recent event with Elder Jensen of the Seventy in the Oakland, CA Stake.

Repurcusions

I'm out of the loop, and I know it is my fault. I posted on facebook that my ward had forgotten about me only after a month, but I realize it is more likely that in just a month's time, many have not had time to notice that I am missing, especially with the melding of new people in a ward with new boundaries at the beginning of January.

But here are a few things that have happened as a result...

At the end of February, after my not attending church the entire month, my visiting teacher called. She was going to come right after church on Sunday. That was the day the kids stayed home and we watched a movie. So as 2 p.m. neared and we were still in our pjs, I got dressed and ready, had the kids clean up stuff a bit, but she never came. Later that night I saw her at a meeting at the church with our daughters and told her I missed her. She is our youngest child's primary teacher, so since he wasn't at church she assumed he or I was sick and so she didn't want to bother me.

I told her that I was not going to church any more and had not been there for a month. She had no idea, which I guess makes sense since she is in the Primary.  But the RS presidency knew--wasn't that information to pass along?

The following Wednesday, our oldest son had scouts. I was at parent/teacher conferences and got home only a few minutes before he did. He immediately came in and pinned a mother's pin on me from scouts. I had no idea it would be a court of honor that night, and I probably could have arranged to get off early and be there had I known. :(

Then, this past Wednesday, a counselor in the RS presidency called about her girl scout cookies, since she had not been home every time we tried to deliver them. I had just been on the phone with my dad, who mentioned that my mom was going to a special relief society dinner in her ward that night to commemorate the birthday of the relief society organization. I had forgotten that it always happened in March. So while I had this lady on the phone, I asked her about it and she said, "Oh, that was last night. I guess there were so many sisters there and I didn't notice you weren't. It turned out really nice. You would have loved it." Way to rub salt in the wound. She went on to ask me who my visiting teachers are. She said they were making some changes to visiting teaching routes, but that when I had new ones assigned to me, she would be sure to let them know to keep me informed.

I posted on facebook that the whole thing made me kind of depressed. Interesting results from my facebook status--private messages from old friends wondering why I wasn't going to church, comments from ward members assuring that they haven't forgotten me.

The most interesting result was on Sunday. A good friend in the ward, someone who has actually not been afraid to approach the subject with Scott and I since he bore his testimony, said that she had planned to bear her testimony that day and read "this" (and she handed me a piece of folded note paper).

Her "script" started with how welcome she has felt in the ward even though her husband is innactive. Then it went on to say how ashamed and disappointed she is at how the ward has treated our family, specifically mentioning the relief society event of the past week. It included a scripture about not judging in Alma 41:14. I could not hold back the tears as I read, but I was also shaking my head and telling her not to do it. She said she had shown it to a counselor in the bishopric that morning at an interview. He asked her not to do it, but agreed that the ward could make a greater effort to reach out to our family.

I feel like most people in the ward itself have been great. And again, the whole relief society dinner thing was probably because people are not used to me NOT being there and hearing the announcements. Prior to the rs dinner, our next door neighbor did call and invite us to a ward dinner at her home (small groups ate at homes and then went to the church for dessert.) I thought that was nice, and I don't know if Scott enjoyed it, but I did.

And then there's the kids...

The main reason I went to sacrament meeting this past Sunday was to get my kids to church, since none of them wanted to go at all the last time. But after sacrament meeting was over, they knew I intended to go home, and they all wanted to come with me instead of staying for their classes. I reminded them that we would have our own lesson, and there would be no computer or nintendo for at least the two hours. But they didn't care, and I ended up being so depressed. What have I done? They started out so strong going without me. The didn't put up any or much of a fight about going to sacrament meeting with me. I don't think I'm ready to face Sunday school and relief society yet, and the last time I just sat in the foyer was the worst because that is when I ran into the stake president.

Maybe the weather will let me sit outside under a tree?

(Sigh)

I will figure it out. They are good kids, but I guess my actions are more influential with them than I ever realized, which is obviously both good and bad. : \

Shoulda Known Better

...than to think that letting go of church would be easy...

So much for my last post! But this is my continuing journey, so here goes...

As mentioned, the first three weeks were been rejuvenating. I attended a Relief Society service project the Saturday after my first absence. It was comfortable and I enjoyed being there.

The kids have gone to church every week (to their classes but not to Sacrament meeting). They continue to attend Scouts and Young Women activities, including Stake Temple day and baptisms for the dead this past Saturday afternoon. It has all been their choice to do so.

I went to a birthday social at the Relief Society president's house Tuesday night. Again, comfortable and fun, but even after only 3 weeks I realized how much I missed being in the loop, and found out that I missed the call of a new primary presidency, new young men's presidency, and who knows what other major changes.

I realized at the social how much I enjoy being with (most of) the people and miss seeing them every week. But I don't miss the lessons, the teachers' interpretations and the comments from class members. I don't miss running into the Stake President or former Bishop or a certain Relief Society teacher. I don't miss the panic attacks, and the frequent crying episodes on Sundays. I have enjoyed reading and pondering the lessons on my own. But still, I began to wonder if maybe I won't stay away as long as I thought. Maybe at least start going to Sacrament meeting so that my kids will go too.

Well, yesterday the kids didn't want to go at all. We watched Testaments, which ended up being kind of cool since our recent family scripture study has been in 3rd Nephi.

But I was kind of unsettled all day. Scott and I have spent Sundays hanging out and talking. This time was different, and I'm not sure why, other than the kids being around and us all being tired and lazy from the party the night before. I guess I have some other ideas too, but I don't feel I should mention them here.

As I wrote most of this last night, I was sitting in the chapel at "new beginnings", a church young woman thing that happens toward the beginning of each year. There is nothing that should bother me, just teenage girls giving talks on the young women values and relating them to real-women-examples of those values. But there I was, unsettled as usual as I realized that I am in a different place in my life than I ever would have expected to be when I was my daughter's age. And then there is the constant reminder of the "recommend," and the bishop speaking of how the main purpose of the Young Women program is to help them prepare to go to the temple.

It did that for me, but now look at me. I found out again this weekend just how inconsistent local leaders are. A friend of ours mentioned another friend that is in a monogomous gay relationship, and his bishop lets him keep his recommend because he is faithful to his partner. A friend's mother's Bishop told her to love her son, support and rejoice in his engagement and upcoming marriage to another man.

And then there is Scott and I, Scott being denied his recommend as he is asked "but do you ever fantasize about men?" And me, me being denied because I went to one affirmation conference, because I told the Stake President that if I had to choose between supporting my gay friends and getting my temple recommend renewed, that I would choose my friends.

And when we appeal to a general authority we are told to "listen to our wise and inspired stake president."

Does anyone else think it is all so F'd up?

And so I thought I let go, and I started thinking I was ready to start heading back for the sake of my children, for seeing my friends, for being in the loop.

But then I realize how bitter and hurt I still am, and I have no idea what the hell to do.

And the Stake President is confused why 30 seconds in his office a month ago could be "torture."

Oh, God.  Please help me.  Please help me let go and be perfectly okay with never going back, chopping all ties for me and my children, or help me forgive and forget so that I can go back.  Help me figure out what I need to do for my children, for myself, for my marriage, for our eternal salvation.

When will this nightmare be over?

Answer to Prayer?

I blogged recently about wanting an answer for Christmas--an answer about what I should do regarding church, for me, for our children and for our whole family.

I spent some time really praying about it that day, and though I didn't get an answer, I did think through some possibilities, and felt peace that the answer would be coming...that I just needed to be patient.

Today came a new indication of changes and future answers.  Next Sunday night there will be some ward boundary changes in our stake, and we will be getting a new Bishopric.  (My daughter and I immediately looked at each other and tried not to smile TOO big when the announcement was made today.)

This also sheds some light on why it is taking so long for my Stake President to get back to me.  Obviously he has been very busy.

******

Today the Relief Society and Priesthood met together for the "Teachings for our Time" lesson from the conference talks, specifically Elder Holland's incredible talk from last April about the Atonement and how Christ was totally and completely alone at times through His agony.

During the lesson, two things touched me.  One was that even though Christ was part God and able to handle what He went through, He was also part mortal, with the fears and pains and anxiety that come with being so.  It was a good reminder of what I already knew, but had somehow forgotten, that He truly does understand every pain and feeling that we go through in mortality.

The second thing that really stood out to me today is that Christ was so misjudged and betrayed, that those who yelled for Him to be crucified really did not understand (or did not try to understand) who He was or what was in His heart. Or maybe they were afraid of the influence He was having and the good He was doing. The whole thing was completely unfair, and yet it happened, and it had a purpose, and we are all blessed because of it.

I know my situation pales in comparison to that of our Savior, but I also feel that I am being misjudged for doing things that are good. I just have to have faith that it all has a purpose, and that no matter what pain I may be going through because of it, my Savior understands my pain; He already felt it FOR me, and He can take it away. I just have to let Him take it and let it go, and meanwhile just keep doing the best I can to do what is right for me and my family.

Ward Temple Day

The bishop declared yesterday ward temple day, and that everyone should attend the temple with their families as a gift to the Savior this Christmas.

Wish I could.

So I sent my children instead.  They went with two of their cousins, and the oldest one drove.  They had 3 family names to do baptisms for, and my daughter decided to go along, hoping she could do some temple file names. It was my son's first time, and he was nervous. I longed to go with him.

But all went well without me.  The Oquirrh Mountain Temple was busy, so they each did their one family name, and that was it (daughter was given a card from a different family that was there). Son enjoyed it and realized that I was right when I told him he didn't need to be nervous.

Now my brother and sister will do the rest of the work without me. My mom doesn't know who else to have help with the sealing.  We talked about it a few weeks ago and stood and cried in her kitchen, holding each other. I cried as I told my parents that Scott no longer attends church with us. That he is no longer even trying to get his recommend.

I'm waiting to hear from the Stake President as he talks to active LDS (with recommends) who are also members of Affirmation (or rather, talks to their priesthood leaders, I guess).

I don't know what will happen.  I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.  I only hope I can pick up the pieces again when it is all over.  My desire to hang in there is wanning, and bitterness is starting to get the best of me. I pray often for my heart to be softened, that I can forgive my leaders.  But it is so hard.

Two weeks ago the kids and I stayed home from church with Scott.  I asked the kids the night before, "Do you want to go pass the Sacrament tomorrow?" "Do you want to go to Young Women's tomorrow?" "Do you want to go to Primary tomorrow?"  Each of them told me "not really."  So we slept in, we watched "Music and the Spoken Word" featuring Natalie Cole.  Scott made breakfast for us.  Sweedish pancakes! Yum! We listened to more uplifting music of Christmas and our Savior, and our home was filled with love and peace and the spirit.  I did not get a substitute for Relief Society music for the first time ever.  As expected, they survived without me.

It was so much easier than getting everyone up and fighting with them to get them ready, having our 4-year-old ask on the way to church, "Where is dad?", sitting through meetings fighting morning sickness and hoping I brought enough food with me, facing all the smiles and "how are you"'s of everyone in the ward, some of them obviously trying harder to reach out to me since I am there alone. Some of them asking where Scott is. And I tell them the truth, and I cry. I used to cry because he was not there with me.  Now I cry because I am not home with him, and I feel like a ward project. And worst of all, facing the occaisional comments in lessons about how the world is spiraling downward, and we need to be careful not to be distracted by even one tiny thing that we don't agree with, that might eventually cause us to completely give up that which is most important to us.

What is more important?  Going to church where I am in turmoil and conflict and cry all the time?  Or staying home with my family, feeling the peace of the spirit and the love that we share. But of course staying home guarantees that I will not get my recommend back. Curses.

Please, dear God, help me figure out what to do. What is best for my children.  What is best for Scott.  What is best for the unity and peace of our family. What is best for ME.

All I want for Christmas is an answer.

Baby Steps

Many people are not aware that the LDS church's official policy and opinions on homosexuality (or same-sex attraction, as they like to call it) really have changed significantly over the years. See Scott's timeline for a detailed documentation of those changes.

I also realize that for many people, it feels like the church's participation in Prop. 8 and also Elder Oak's recent talk at BYU Idaho have taken the LDS church backwards by a few large steps.

But I still believe they really are making progress, even if it seems only like baby steps forward.

I was going to blog about a significant article in the Ensign back in September, but life was crazy (especially with shutting down my blog for a while) and I never got around to it. The title of the article was "The Best Thing I can do for Leigh", and even though the author's attitudes and opinions are not quite like my own, I still thought it was actually a pretty big step in the right direction. The article is from the viewpoint of a lady with a gay sister, and how she still accepts her sister and partner into her home and her heart, allowing her children to associate with them as well. She does specifically mention not agreeing with the sister's lifestyle choice, but one cannot expect anything other than that from a message in an LDS church magazine. I thought it was just great that the article indicated that having same-sex attractions is not a choice, and that we can still accept and love family members who might choose to live in a way that is not in harmony with the teachings of the church.

Now we have seen another step forward this past week. I have seen many rejoice over the news that the church would make a statement in support of anti-discrimination laws in SLC that specifically pertain to gay rights. But there are still many others that are annoyed by or suspicious of the action. An editorial (*or rather, a letter to the editor :) in the Deseret News today expresses disappointment in the church with the following opinion: (as usual, the comments are infuriating and entertaining, if you have some spare reading time)

"The agenda of the gay community is to gradually force the rest of us to accept its lifestyle as normal, which it never will be. So I am disappointed that the LDS Church and Salt Lake City have taken a step in that direction. Do we also have to accept kissing in public and private areas? Do they deserve the same benefits as the rest of us in the workplace and housing? That should be up to the employers and the landlords. No one should force an employer to hire someone indiscriminately. The applicant must have those skills and qualifications that fit into a particular job opening.

I am opposed to gays taking our rights away from us."

Another organization (that is comprised of church members) claims that the church only made such a statement because they were forced to. They apparently sent out 80,000 faxes last week to voice that opinion.

And then some in the gay community are outraged with the wording of the statement, or that it is too little too late, or that it seems more like a political move than a sincere statement of compassion and reason. They have become so bitter that they are suspicious and cynical, unwilling to see anything good in the statement.

But I choose to believe it is a step in the right direction, and not only that, but as big a step as the church can make right now. For example, full and equal rights for Blacks in the church came when the time was right, when the world and specifically the membership of the church was ready for it. Others may disagree, but I believe it is similar in this situation. As evidenced by the editorial mentioned earlier, there are many members of the church who are not ready for a major new policy or endorsement of gay rights, and making any kind of drastic statement, I believe, would be harmful to a significant percentage of the membership of the church.

It is sad that so many lives have been lost and that individuals and families have been hurt so badly by the church's words, actions, policies, etc., over the years. But I have faith that God has a plan, and that little by little, He will put that plan into place as we are more ready for it. After all, we do believe that God "will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God." Of course I have no idea what those revelations will be, but I know they will come, that hearts and homes will be healed, that members of the church will find themselves on a path to become more like Christ, and that someday we (or our posterity) will look back at this battle and marvel at how things used to be, and how things have changed for the better.

Unfortunately, trying to be patient and have this kind of faith is not easy. That is why I have to cling to the "baby steps" to remind me that there is in fact progress, and that there is always hope.

I think I have said this before, but I believe that the war Satan is waging on us with this issue is less about the immorality of homosexual behavior and much more about contention, cynacism, and bigotry on both sides. May we all rise above it, and may both sides make a greater effort to build bridges, understand each other, and be more like Jesus Christ in thought, word, and action.

Irony or Coincidence?

(Originally posted on my new blog: http://serendipityuncensored.blogspot.com/)

Why is it that our temple recommends expired within 2 weeks or so of the following:

• Tonight our stake had a "Family History Jeopardy" night. Members of the stake competed with questions about the new church website for documenting family information and temple work. In between rounds of "jeopardy", each ward had a prepared "commercial". Our oldest 2 children were asked to participate weeks ago, and so we went to support them. And of course the overall theme of the "show" was doing our family history work and then reaping the blessings of attending the temple and completing the ordinances for family names.

• Also mentioned was Stake Temple day, which is tomorrow. There is a special meeting in the chapel and then a dinner, which we signed up to attend the morning of our infamous recommend interviews. Before the closing prayer tonight, the temple day was mentioned, especially regarding the blessings we will receive from attending. (I unexpectedly lost control of my emotion at that point and sobbed through the closing prayer.)

• My mom has some names that need temple work done. This doesn't happen very often because so much of it has already been done. She has plans for the sealing, specifically, to be done by her, me, my sister and my brother, because that is how many people we will need. I haven't told her anything yet about my recommend, and I hope I won't have to. The baptisms haven't been done yet by the kids, so we still have some time. But not enough time if this isn't resolved with the Stake President on Sunday.

• Also, Scott and I have not attended the temple for a few months and have really had no desire to do so. But during the month of August, I kept feeling like I wanted to go, but we could not figure out a time to schedule in a trip, and so we never did. I kept thinking I would go early some morning or something (maybe even by myself) but I never did. (I just sat around being depressed with no motivation to get myself anywhere.) The day we talked to the Bishop, the main thing I kept thinking about was the fact that I never acted on the prompting to go.

Anyway, is this all just coincidence, or does it mean something?

Crazy Roller Coaster

It has been a roller coaster week, with much crying over my lack of temple recommend and my anxiety regarding church, and also with much celebrating over gay-straight alliance clubs and good friends, both in this community and in my ward. (In case you are not sure what is going on, Scott explains it well on his blog.)

Last Monday afternoon, I picked up my kids from school (I usually walk, but this time had the car) and we were just heading to the car when we met up with one of my neighbors. (Her son used to walk with us, but now he is riding his bike so I was confused why she was there.) She told me that she thought I might need someone to talk to. It turns out that she knew something was up with us because her husband (our home teacher) was called to help Scott give me a blessing Sunday night (to calm me from my insanity at that point). She kept thinking about me on Monday, knew she had heard me mention "blogging", and then "Googled" until she found my blog and read my post. I was incredibly touched by her effort and willingness to reach out to me.

Wednesday night when I drove my daughter to the church for Young Women's, even the anxiety I felt at driving her there (without even seeing anyone or going in the building) concerned me for how I was ever going to be able to handle attending church there again.

Every morning during the week I was left to my own thoughts while getting ready for school. I envisioned myself bearing my testimony on Sunday and saying goodbye to my ward. But the words that went through my head were bitter and painful, and probably not appropriate. Every time I even pictured seeing the bishop's face, I started having a panic attack. Even thought I have never been physically abused, I wondered if what I was feeling was possibly the result of verbal, emotional, and even spiritual abuse. I arrived at work a couple of mornings in a state of hyperventilation because I had been thinking about the bishop on the drive there.

Monday or Tuesday night I was again wracked with torment, sobbing uncontrollably. Scott helped me think through the options. Every possibility we thought of seemed to make my mental state worse: keep going to church, stop going to church...blah, blah, blah. Finally, I found peace and stopped sobbing when we discussed the possibility of attending a different ward, maybe even across town with family or other friends. We talked to our children about it and asked them to think about the possibility and be honest with us.

By Thursday, we had not made any definite decisions since we were not yet able to meet with the Stake President (we finally have an appointment for NEXT Sunday). But I did decide that Scott and I would stay home on Sunday and read some church books in peace and quiet while Hidden and Over-the-Rainbow took our kids to church. I was happy with the decision for this week, knowing that we could continue to discuss our options and make a final decision later, perhaps with the S.P.'s help. We had everything planned out.

Then I woke up to my alarm this morning and could not go back to sleep. I was nervous and unsettled. I prayed to understand my nervousness, and got the answer that I needed to go to church. Wow. I immediately got up and started getting ready, and soon we were all in our normal Sunday morning routine.

As I was getting ready, a new "testimony" for today was going through my head, not one of goodbye, but one about my testimony of the Prophet and of the gospel, of following a path that associated with the down-trodden, just like our Savior when He served his ministry.

During Sacrament meeting, I did not feel inclined to bear my testimony. The prompting never came, so I didn't. But going through it in my head before the meeting was good for me. The meetings were good. I had no anxiety being there. The only discomfort at all was a twinge of sorrow when they announced Stake Temple day this upcoming week, including a meeting in the chapel and a dinner in the cafeteria. We had signed up for the dinner last week before finding out that we would not be able to go.

Relief Society was about compassion. At one point during the lesson it felt right for me to speak up. I spoke of how I never realized that choosing to be compassionate could result in such sacrifice. That it was forcing me to choose between two wonderful things (read: moho parties and associating with my gay friends vs. keeping my temple recommend) and that even thought it was hard, I had to choose compassion. When I began to speak, I was completely stable and did not think I would become emotional, but I did toward the end of my comment. Over-the-rainbow and one or two other readers of my blog in the room knew exactly what I was talking about. A couple of others reached out to me after the meeting, and without telling them what was going on, I told them that I had planned not to be there today, but that I was glad I had come. They expressed their love and gratitude for me.

I know I have dragged all of you on this roller coaster ride with me. I have no idea where it is going or where it will end up. All I know is that God is guiding my life, and in the end, everything will have had a purpose and will have been for the best.

Thank you for your love and prayers.

Pioneers, Charity, and Forgiveness

I really enjoyed church yesterday. We went to bed pretty late, and so I assumed that I would be nodding off throughout the three hours of meetings, but I didn't.

In sacrament meeting, the talks were on pioneers. The first speaker actually referred to pioneers in the sense that we can all be pioneers, based on the definition "one who is first or among the earliest in any field of inquiry, enterprise, or progress". As she spoke, I thought of the book No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons around our gay loved ones, and how Carol Lynn Pearson uses the "pioneer" theme in her book. Some people have said that Scott and I (and others of you, as well) are pioneers when it comes to attitudes in the church regarding gay issues. The other talk was about the actual pioneers that we think of in July, and I am always intrigued listening to pioneer stories, reminded of the faith and sacrifices and suffering of the early members of the church. I could never have handled the things they had to go through.

In Sunday School there was an interesting discussion about unrighteous dominion (D&C 121:39--“almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, … will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion”) and Scott found it very ironic when someone commented that we (as the church or members of the church) should not force our religious beliefs on others. Huh, imagine that. Also, the teacher spoke a lot about pride and of not judging others. I thought it was a very nice lesson.

In Relief Society, the lesson was on charity, and it was exactly what I needed.

I have been losing my temper a lot lately, and all it accomplishes is hurting me and those I love, and nothing else. I was frustrated with my children a lot last week (how many weeks until school starts again? :), and Scott had to come home to an ornery and crying wife every night! I also was offended over something that happened with regards to Scott's family (specifically, plans that were made with out of town family members in which we were not invited, and my children were sad that they will not be spending more time with their cousins this week.) The icing on the cake was another major blow-up with a Moho friend, and I fear that this time there is no hope of repair.

The entire lesson was wonderful, about service and Christ-like love for others, but a scripture on charity in Moroni 7:45 and one final quote, really got to me.

"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

******

Elder Marvin J. Ashton beautifully observed: “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.” (from “The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign, May 1992, 19)

Sometimes I am able to really nail the hymns I choose to go with the lesson, and the songs were very touching to me this time. The third verse of "Each Life That Touches Ours for Good" really hit home.

(Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no. 293)

1. Each life that touches ours for good
Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;
Thou sendest blessings from above
Thru words and deeds of those who love.

2. What greater gift dost thou bestow,
What greater goodness can we know
Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.

3. When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.

4. For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
Devotion to the Savior’s name,
Who bless our days with peace and love,
We praise thy goodness, Lord, above.

I hope and pray that my Heavenly Father will help me to do better, but I also recognize that He is pleased with me for my efforts, and I am grateful that I can be forgiven of the things I said in the heat of the moment. I just hope that someday this friend can forgive me as well.

For the closing song, we sang "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief", no.29. I was sad that we did not have time to sing the whole thing, so we sang verses 1, 2 and 7. Verse 7 really touched my heart as we sang (as it does every time I sing it or hear it).

1. A poor, wayfaring Man of grief
Hath often crossed me on my way,
Who sued so humbly for relief
That I could never answer nay.
I had not pow’r to ask his name,
Whereto he went, or whence he came;
Yet there was something in his eye
That won my love; I knew not why.

2. Once, when my scanty meal was spread,
He entered; not a word he spake,
Just perishing for want of bread.
I gave him all; he blessed it, brake,
And ate, but gave me part again.
Mine was an angel’s portion then,
For while I fed with eager haste,
The crust was manna to my taste.

7. Then in a moment to my view
The stranger started from disguise.
The tokens in his hands I knew;
The Savior stood before mine eyes.
He spake, and my poor name he named,
“Of me thou hast not been ashamed.
These deeds shall thy memorial be;
Fear not, thou didst them unto me.”

Saturday night, other MoHo friends dropped in to visit, and they were a God-send. I felt so much better after talking to them and spending some fun time with them. I have always found that God is mindful of each of us, and even when times are hard, there are methods to the madness, and something else will be better because of it. I am reminded of the quote from The Sound of Music: "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." I have found this to be so true throughout my life.

Thank you for sticking with me through this rambling post. It has helped me to work through some thoughts and feelings, which I am sure will help to heal my heart.

Highlights of the week

I keep meaning to blog about things that are going on, and there are just too many other things to do, naps to take, blogs to read and argue on, etc...

So, here I am going to piece together a few things, and hope that the words will flow...

Friday we went to Lagoon with Scott's brother, wife, and two children. They were in town from out of state. We weren't sure if they would want to hang out with us or not, considering we haven't seen them since Scott came out. But they really wanted us to come, and when we weren't sure because of the money, they offered to buy our tickets for us. We really did have a good time, it wasn't awkward at all, the weather was beautiful for a change, and the kids had an absolute blast with their cousins. Scott was maybe a little frustrated that his brother didn't talk to him at all about the issue, especially since he had sent him an email a few days before they arrived regarding the fact that our family is very open about everything, and that there was no guarantee that one of our kids might say something to one of their kids, whom they don't want to know about their gay uncle just yet. But I didn't expect anything to be said, so I was just grateful that we were able to have fun together.

Saturday we took our daycare provider (not a member of the church) and her family (LDS, but husband has never been through the temple, 2 kids have been baptized) to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple open house. She asked me about the Draper temple open house a few months ago, but never ended up going. So, before I made reservations for Oquirrh Mountain, I asked her if she wanted to go with us. She was delighted. I have to brag that I actually followed my Stake President's counsel on this one. During the Draper open house, he spoke in our Sacrament meeting, and encouraged us to not only attend the open house, but invite non-member neighbors to go with us. Done. :)

Anyway, it was a cool experience because our friend was asking so many questions. She really wants to attend the dedication, and was disappointed to find out that she can't go, but that the rest of her family can. I know she had the missionary discussions a couple of years ago, but it never went beyond that. Meanwhile, her husband, who was unable to baptize their older child, was able to baptize the younger one. It has been neat to see the changes in him since they moved into the neighborhood. I adore her. She has been a great daycare provider for 2 of our children over the past few years, and I feel so blessed that it has worked out so well. She is a wonderful person and I have no doubt that God is pleased with her, regardless of whether she ever joins the church.

At the Draper temple open house, we were with my parents, and my Dad is somewhat cynical about temples and such (even though he has a recommend) and he always likes to get on with things. He would never linger in a sealing room, gazing in the mirrors that reflect forever, and answering questions about sealings. But that is what we were able to do with our neighbors, and I realized again just how much I love the temple and how much I know about it, how blessed I am to be able to attend things like the dedication. Seeing her excitement and curiosity helped me to be less cynical and more grateful for the church in my life.

Sunday our whole family finally attended all 3 hours of church together. Scott even went to part of priesthood meeting when he saw the Relief Society president and her secretary enter the building with donuts and milk for fathers' day. :)

Scott was released from his calling as membership clerk. Actually, someone else was sustained as the new clerk, so then I guess there were 2 clerks for a few minutes. Then a member of the bishopric reminded the high councilman of his error, and he had to stand again to give Scott a vote of thanks. It made it even more obvious that the change was happening, and I'm sure made some people go "hmmm". Whatever. I try not to care what people think.

A discussion in Sunday School about church revelation trumping personal experience and science bothered me a bit, but it was also fun to talk about learning, and how important things like math are to our preparation in this life. :) The teacher caught me off guard by asking my opinion about how math fits into the grand scheme of things. I shared thoughts about a class I had in college where we actually discussed whether or not we thought math was created or discovered. By the end of the course, I had a pretty strong belief that math is discovered by man. It simply exists in the universe as the universal language of science, and we have discovered over thousands of years just how it works. I believe that those of us who become Gods and Goddesses will need math to create worlds, place them the right distance from the sun on just the right tilt, etc. But I also believe that if we do need it, we will be able to learn it in the next life as well, so don't panic! Hopefully math anxiety doesn't exist in heaven!

My "favorite" teacher gave the lesson in Relief Society on temples, and it was pleasant and fairly benign. I tolerate her lessons while praying to feel the spirit and be less judgmental of her. It made me laugh inside when after the lesson I overheard another lady tell her that she could listen to her the whole 3 hours. Please spare me! :) Honestly, though, I am glad that other sisters in the ward are uplifted by her lessons. We are all different, and that is a good thing.

Monday I had the opportunity to attend "Cub Country" with my cub scout-aged son. I am not a scout leader, but they needed another adult to go and asked me if I would. I enjoyed having a few minutes to reflect on the beauty of God's creations and His spirit that I always feel in the mountains, with the trees and the sun shining and the breeze blowing and the children running...oh wait, scratch that last thing. :) Just kidding. I did find out why everyone always tells us that our children are so good, because compared to other children, they are angels. :) We needed either a leash or a shock collar on one of the boys so that he would stay nearby. He kept wandering off without telling us. And the other leader and I walked twice as far as needed to fetch a bag for one of the boys that he kept leaving at the previous activity. Fun was had by all, but I was glad I did not have to go back today as I rested my sore muscles and bruised behind (since I fell on some rocks at the end of the day.)

The best part of the day was the drive home. The scout leader that I was helping asked me sincerely how Scott and I are doing. One question led to another, and I ended up telling her a bit about how we feel in the ward, that we get the feeling that there are people (including our bishop) who would just as soon we stopped coming to church so that they don't have to worry about what we might say. She was an amazing listener and so supportive. A few months ago, she came to our house for something, and she outright told Scott how impressed she was by his "coming out" testimony and she started asking us questions. We were delighted that she cared. She borrowed a copy of "No More Goodbyes" and read it. I have not really had an in-depth conversation with her since. It was awesome, and as I dropped her off at her car, I hugged and thanked her for caring about us, and for being so Christ-like.

Now that I have bored you with the details of my life, I will sign off. I will just end by saying that I am grateful to be blessed with a wonderful husband, awesome children, the best friends ever, extended family that really are making an effort to show their love and try to understand, the true gospel of Jesus Christ, and the spirit of the Lord in my heart.

"The Lord Looketh on the Heart"

(1 Samuel 16:7)

Today in Relief Society we had an awesome lesson! (Yes, I went. How many times have I done this, said I can't do it anymore, but then I just can't stop either. Scott and the older boys went to Sacrament meeting, then Scott came home where I was stuck with sick kids, and then I proceeded to the last meeting.) I'm assuming some of you might have had it as well. It was Lesson 35 from the Joseph Smith manual: "Redemption for the Dead".

As I have struggled to reconcile the feelings of my heart with the teachings of the church, my main source of comfort has been a feeling that God loves every one of us, and that he will judge us according to what is in our hearts and the individual circumstances we face.

From the words of Joseph Smith in today's lesson:

“… While one portion of the human race is judging and condemning the other without mercy, the Great Parent of the universe looks upon the whole of the human family with a fatherly care and paternal regard; He views them as His offspring, and without any of those contracted feelings that influence the children of men, causes ‘His sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.’ [Matthew 5:45.] He holds the reins of judgment in His hands; He is a wise Lawgiver, and will judge all men, not according to the narrow, contracted notions of men, but, ‘according to the deeds done in the body whether they be good or evil,’ or whether these deeds were done in England, America, Spain, Turkey, or India. He will judge them, ‘not according to what they have not, but according to what they have’; those who have lived without law, will be judged without law, and those who have a law, will be judged by that law. We need not doubt the wisdom and intelligence of the Great Jehovah; He will award judgment or mercy to all nations according to their several deserts, their means of obtaining intelligence, the laws by which they are governed, the facilities afforded them of obtaining correct information, and His inscrutable designs in relation to the human family; and when the designs of God shall be made manifest, and the curtain of futurity be withdrawn, we shall all of us eventually have to confess that the Judge of all the earth has done right [see Genesis 18:25].”

“God judges men according to the use they make of the light which He gives them.”

The teacher made an awesome comparison during the lesson that I would like to take a step further. Regarding this quote:

“...for ‘how can they believe on him of whom they have not heard, and how can they hear without a preacher, and how can he preach except he be sent’ [see Romans 10:14–15]; consequently neither Jew nor heathen can be culpable for rejecting the conflicting opinions of sectarianism, nor for rejecting any testimony but that which is sent of God, for as the preacher cannot preach except he be sent, so the hearer cannot believe [except] he hear a ‘sent’ preacher, and cannot be condemned for what he has not heard, and being without law, will have to be judged without law.”

she said something like this:

Imagine parents punishing a child for not eating his peas, when the parent has never given the child any peas to eat. The very idea is ridiculous.

Ok, so I want to add my own application: imagine a person being required to marry in the temple, when that person has no attraction toward someone of the opposite gender and therefore can never find someone that they could be with forever. (Sound familiar to any of you?) How can someone meet such a requirement when they have not been given one of the essential ingredients? I suppose you could look at Scott and I and say we are making that very thing work, but I think that the statistics are far greater for those who cannot make it work than for those that can.

Anyway, you all know my view on all of this and can understand what I am trying to say, I think. In a nutshell, God will judge us based on what he has given us, what we have to work with, and what we do with what we have. For some, that is making a mixed orientation work. For others , it is staying celibate and active in the church, and for many, it is finding someone to truly love and have a happy life with, serving one another and loving one another like any family/ couple is supposed to. I cannot condemn that, and though I cannot speak for God, I think that He will be able to see the effort and goodness in that path as well.

I am reminded again of attending the Draper Temple open house in January and a film that they showed us in a church building prior to riding the shuttle bus to tour the temple. In the film, Elder Holland spoke emotionally of how much he loves his wife, and how he cannot imagine NOT having her with him for eternity. The temple sealing ceremony and ordinance takes care of that very thing: sealing us with those we love, to be together forever.

Why should love between two gay men or women be any less precious, any less desired for the eternities? It just doesn't seem fathomable that God gives that to many of his children, but not all of them, does it?

On my way driving to the church for Relief Society, I was choosing songs to go with the lesson at the last minute. I needed one more, but I could not drive and look through the hymnbook at the same time. I prayed for help, and hymn #220 came to my mind. I used it for the closing song and it was perfect following that beautiful lesson. It touched my heart and the spirit was strong, and I hope others were able to feel it as well. But at the very least I felt it, which is good, because I so needed to...

Lord, I Would Follow Thee

1. Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.
Savior, may I learn to love thee—
Lord, I would follow thee.

2. Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can’t see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee.

3. I would be my brother’s keeper;
I would learn the healer’s art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother’s keeper—
Lord, I would follow thee.

4. Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
Savior, may I love my brother—
Lord, I would follow thee.

Text: Susan Evans McCloud, b. 1945. © 1985 IRI
Music: K. Newell Dayley, b. 1939. © 1985 IRI

Temples - Shelter from the Storm?

I loved JGW's post this week about the temple. I commented that I was grateful for his post reminding me that I should not take my temple recommend and ability to attend the temple for granted. I was looking forward to taking my daughter to the new Draper temple this week to complete the baptism for a family name while my father-in-law was serving in the baptistry. But she came down with the flu, and we saddly had to dely our plans...

I have always loved the temple. I was a child when "I love to see the Temple" was a new primary song and the Jordan River temple was being built. I enjoyed watching my children as they soaked up the beauty and excitement of attending the Draper temple open house a few months ago. We are excited to attend the open house for the new temple next Saturday with a part-member family in our neighborhood.


I loved temples as a youth and young adult--their beauty inside and out, what they stand for, the feelings I had when I was able to go inside and do baptisms for the dead. I collected temples--decorative plates, photos, drawings, and even rubber stamps. I have fond memories of driving the 7 miles to the Manti Temple grounds with my roommates when I needed a break from studying for finals at Snow College. Watching the lit temple appear and grow in the distance as we drove toward it was truly awe-inspiring.

I dreamed of being married in the temple, and was so pleased to accomplish that goal. Scott and I were able to walk to and attend the Logan Temple frequently during our first year of marriage (and my last year at USU).

It was awesome to do baptisms for the dead with our daughter in the Nauvoo temple just a year ago.

The strongest message I have ever received--that it was right for me to leave my job as a full-time mother and take a job as a high school teacher--came in the Salt Lake Temple. I also attended the temple for inspiration to call my counselors in the Primary presidency.

I distinctly remember one year when Scott had a sister that was married in her in-laws' home and then a brother that was married in the Manti Temple about a month later. The difference between the marriages and the spirit that was there was amazing to me. I could not imagine settling for the non-temple marriage when the temple marriage was oh so much more.

This list could go on and on...

But in other ways, the temple has not always been for me what other people say it is for them. Church members bear testimony of the temple and how they are able to leave their troubles behind, a peaceful place for solace and escape. When I go to the temple, it gives me quiet time to think even more about my troubles. More time to worry about being away from my children, or not having time to get done everything I have to do. I often feel anxious about receiving an inspired answer to a question, trying to understand how true inspiration feels and how to know what God's message to me really is. I have anxiety around people I don't know, so frequently I feel a bit anxious in the temple. And one of my worst emotional experiences ever happened in the temple when I reflected on the recent affair of someone in my extended family, someone very close to me, and the severe nature of covenants they had broken regarding the law of chastity.

So I don't always look forward to going to the temple. I mostly do it because I am told that I should. I go in the hopes that maybe I will get another moment of clarity like the one when I took my teaching job. But mostly I get tired and bored, or if I really try to pay attention, frustrated. Part of the temple ceremony is the story of the creation. And no matter how hard I try to pray and understand, I just don't understand why God commands Adam and Eve not to partake of the fruit of knowledge of good and evil when it is actually necessary for them to do so to fulfill other commandments (like multiplying and replenishing the Earth) and to pave the way for the plan of salvation. Why give a commandment that you know will be broken, and in fact, has to be? It baffles me every time I sit through the presentation. And why is it Eve that partakes of the fruit first? Is it because she is less obedient? Or rather, is it because she is smarter and realizes that she cannot keep other commandments without breaking this one?

Likewise, how can I possibly keep the commandment from Christ himself to "Love one another" and "judge not lest ye be judged" without breaking the commandment to follow the Prophet? I am so confused.

Today I attended a Stake Women's conference, and the theme was Temples and how they are a shelter from the storm. When I first saw the theme on a poster and sitting on every table at lunch, I couldn't help but smirk and think briefly about the commercial from the National Organization for Marriage--oh no, a storm is coming! Run to the temples to protect yourself from the homosexuals!

Seriously, though, it was a momentary irreverent thought, and otherwise I understood the purpose of the theme and thought it was fine. After lunch, the first speaker talked about why we should go to temple and blessings we get from going to the temple. She had some great comments, my favorite being that the temple is a place where we can learn more about our Savior Jesus Christ so that we can try to be more like him. But the talk went on and on, and soon I started to tune her out.

Then a stake priesthood leader spoke. By this time, the meeting (on a Saturday afternoon, no less) had gone on long enough, and my attention span was spent. So I have to admit that I was not paying very good attention, not that I wasn't trying. I just was not capable. He said something about being careful to change what we do or say so that we do not offend people. He gave a hypothetical example of inviting neighbors over for a BBQ, neighbors that are maybe a little over-zealous on the word of wisdom, but leaving our Coke in the fridge instead of getting it out to have with dinner so as to not offend, even though it is our house and our right to drink and say what we want.

That sounded reasonable. I like the idea of trying to be non-judgemental and accepting of others, making consesions where needed to form friendships.

Then, I must have phased out, because the next thing I know, he is talking about church leaders. Here is how I remember it to the best of my ability...

"It is imperative that we follow. The leaders of the church might not be perfect. I'm not perfect, and the general authorities that I meet with on a regular basis are not perfect. We are all just men. But we are still required to follow. It is not our place to step ahead of the Brethren. That is what Lucifer did in the pre-existence. That is not following. Remember playing follow the leader as a child? You might have not always liked what the leader did, but to play the game, you had to follow the leader."

He read some quotes, one from Herald B. Lee that I have blogged about before. He continued...

"I believe in the last days that things are going to be so confusing and so heart-wrenching, that the only way we will be able to figure our what to do--the only way we will make it back to our Father in Heaven--is to follow. We have to learn how to follow now so that we will be able to continue following when it gets even harder and more confusing."

"Attending the temple can help us learn to follow..."

I was sick to my stomach. I sat in shock at the words I just heard from the mouth of one of my stake leaders. It suddenly reminded me of Abelard's post a while back about Hilter and the Nazis that followed him. Words of inspiration are supposed to feel peaceful and comforting. If it is right, you will know it in your heart and your mind...what does it mean when you feel sick and anguish, the world crashing down around you?

The closing prayer ended the meeting, and I went quickly to my car, drove home, walked in the house, and told Scott I was sick. Due to the flu in our house, he thought I meant I was coming down with it. I clarified in what way I was sick, and we left to the bedroom to talk. I explained the meeting and then burst into tears. I can't do it any more. Just when I think I am back on my feet where the church is concerned, this Stake leader compares me to Satan. I told Scott in a fit of emotional illness that I am done. We have to find a new ward or church to go to. I can't let them keep tearing me down.

I don't know that we are really going to--right now I am angry and confused and hurt. We have missed 2 weeks of church, at least one or two of us will be staying home again tomorrow due to the flu, Scott is being released from his calling, anyone off the street could do my calling. It is just too tempting to throw in the towel and find some happiness by worshiping God in the peace of our own home surrounded by our friends who love and understand and accept us.

We need to start that MoHo ward right away. When should we have our first meeting? :D

And when is this incessant rain going to stop? Don't get me wrong--I love the cool temperatures and the green plants, but it certainly doesn't feel like we live in Utah any more.

I need a shelter from the storm. Please help!

Reflection on Mothers

Yesterday as I was sitting in Relief Society, I reflected on how I am grateful for the mothers in my life for different reasons this year than in past years.

I have always been grateful to Scott's mother for whatever part she played in making him such an incredible person. But now my gratitude goes much deeper. I am grateful that I have felt her attending me in spirit over the last few months (she passed away when he was 13, and I have never met her in person, at least not in this life). I attribute at least some of my strength and acceptance last summer to her, to feeling her presence with me, and to feeling truly how much she loves and accepts Scott for who he is.

I am grateful for Scott's step-mom, for her acceptance of our situation as well, for her willingness to ask me about it and listen to me without seeming uncomfortable or judgmental; for reading No More Goodbyes immediately at our recommendation, for telling me she was proud of me when I told her about the anonymous letters I sent, for letting me know that she was praying for me and putting my name on the temple roll, for sharing what Scott and I are doing with her own friends. I am also grateful to her for raising children who are not blind to true love and tolerance, who have been incredibly supportive of Scott when his biological siblings haven't.

I am grateful to my mom, for teaching me that sometimes the leaders of the church make decisions based on "desperation rather than inspiration." But I am also grateful that regardless of how much I heard her complain about this or that regarding church policies, both general and local, I still saw her example of faithful church attendance and service, and I felt frequently of her spirit and testimony. I believe that without this background in my life, I either would be having a much harder time staying in the church right now, or I would be less flexible and less supportive of Scott and gay rights in general.

I am also grateful for the opportunity God has given me to be a mother and also a mother-figure in the lives of others. When I took a full time job teaching in a high school, I struggled at first with making that decision. I had an infant and a toddler at home and had always planned to be a stay-at-home mom. But early in our marriage with 2 young kids, Scott lost his job and was trying to start a business; we had no money, we were both home getting on each other's nerves, and so I took a leap and applied for a job. I actually applied to be a substitute, assuming that August was too late to find a teaching job for the year. Within a few days, a local high school called, saying they had just had a math teacher quit, and they were scrambling to fill the position before the school year started--would I PLEASE come interview. They wanted me full time, and I tentatively accepted, but was stressed at doing so. Within a couple of days, Scott and I attended the temple, and I had a strong thought come to my mind, "Your children will be fine, but someone else's children need you." I had never before or since been so sure of a message directly from my Heavenly Father.

I shared that experience with an LDS parent of one of my students a couple of years later, and she cried and said, "My daughter needs you." I shared that experience again with a lady a couple of weeks ago, a lady who was one of the administrators who hired me, that has since been a principal at another high school and is now retired and helping to mentor teachers in her spare time. (She has been coming once a week to help me remember and learn some techniques to keep my hellish algebra I classes under control.) She also felt the spirit of my experience 11 years ago as she and I reminisced of the circumstances at that time.

Yesterday in Relief Society I shared the experience with the sisters in my ward.

The lesson was given by my "favorite" teacher (or rather, the one whose lessons I am afraid to attend) and it was the same lesson that Abelard had the opportunity of listening to during Priesthood yesterday: "Responding to Persecution with Faith and Courage" (lesson 32). My experience, fortunately, was nothing like his.

The teacher began her lesson with this thought: “At first I thought this was not a good lesson for Mother’s day because it seems so depressing, but then I realized it is actually very appropriate as I thought about how the role of mothers and of women is being attacked by the adversary and the views of the world."

She enjoyed emphasizing this quote from the lesson: "All Saints! Profit by this important key--that in all your trials, troubles, temptations, bonds, temptations, afflictions, bond, imprisonments and death, see to it, that you do not betray heaven; that you do not betray the revelations of God, whether in the Bible, Book of Mormon, or Doctrine and Covenants, or any other that ever was or ever will be given and revealed unto man in this world of that which is to come. Yea, in all your kicking and floundering, see to it that you do not this thing, lest innocent blood be found upon your skirts, and you go down to hell."

I have this problem that I always read into what she says, even if she does not specifically mention people like me supporting gay marriage. :( And I sit there uncomfortably staring at my hands in my lap.

Anyway, another thing she began to focus on in the lesson was about how more and more women are finding it necessary to work outside the home. "How sad that is for them, because I know they would choose to be home if they could. But if they attend the temple and do what is right, Heavenly Father promises to bless their children."

At this point I raised my hand to agree, that God has indeed blessed us and our children as I have followed a path of working outside the home. But I hope that I also got the subtle message across that it is not always a sad situation, that sometimes God needs us somewhere other than home.

This is another issue that goes back to a quote from Joseph Smith/Elder Oaks early in the history of my blog, something to the affect of “We teach general principals and let the individuals govern themselves.” People assume that because the leaders of the church say it is best for children to be raised by a stay-at-home mom (which I do not disagree with—I am grateful that my mom was home with me and I believe that is often the case. I see first hand as a teacher the results of children that are neglected by their parents) that it is undeniably the best thing for everyone.

I, however, don't think it is the best thing for my children. I guess it might be if their mother were someone other than me, but there is a reason that I teach high school and not elementary. At the time I took the teaching job, I was literally going crazy dealing with little kids. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but I am not as patient as they deserve me to be. I am painfully reminded of this fact every summer when we are home together for 3 months and I pretend to be a stay-at-home mom. Let's just say that in August we are all very glad to be going back to school!

At one point Scott met with a member of the stake presidency (7 or 8 years ago) as they were interviewing men in our ward to assist them in calling a new EQ president. He was somewhat chastised for working from home (at the time) and tending the children while allowing me to work outside the home.

Why? Why are we criticized for doing what we feel is right for us, regardless of whether it is the "church" norm or not.

So, as I was saying, I raised my hand in Relief Society and shared my personal experience in the temple, and how I have seen that impression come to pass over the past 11 years I have been teaching. I mentioned how every situation is different and what is right for one person may not be right for someone else.

Later another lady thanked me for sharing my experience. She is a nurse and said she always felt guilty leaving her family to care for the family of others.

A few years ago, I would have sat there quietly and felt guilty. This time I decided to be vocal about how we each need to follow our own paths and do what is best for us and our families.

Callings

I am always on a natural high after our MoHo parties--meeting new people, wonderful hugs from all these gorgeous men, fabulous music sung at the top of our lungs (I hope the neighbors enjoyed it--the windows were open). And I usually come away having learned something, having felt what I think are strong spiritual impressions about my purpose in life.

In addition to many Mohos as usual, Ron Schow came last night. He is a professor at Idaho State University where he has taught for the past thirty years. He is the author of numerous books and journal articles and was one of the editors of Peculiar People: Mormons and Same Sex Orientation (Signature Books, 1991). He is also one of the authors of A Guide for Latter-Day Saint Families: Dealing with Homosexual Attraction (2002, available at Deseret Book). Yes, he is an active member of the church, but is also very much a gay advocate and, like us, would love to see a change in the way that the church deals with gay members.

Part of the reason he came (besides to meet us, and other bloggers, I assume) was to ask Scott and I to help him with what he considers a mission, to help members of the church really understand what being gay is all about, and learning to be more tolerant and accepting. As Ron and I sat at the kitchen table, conversing between insanely loud spurts of kareoke, my heart was touched, and I swear the spirit was speaking to me again, that I have an important calling to do, that I am on the right path, and that I do not need to be afraid.

I was overcome with the significance of that calling as I bid Beck farewell, he and I briefly speaking of his wonderful wife, and marveling at my acceptance of everything. How could I possibly be this accepting of Scott and everyone else that walks through our door without God's help? He has given me what I need to do what He needs me to do, and I can't give up--I can't give up at school or at church, and I also cannot stop going to church--I am needed there more than anywhere else!

I felt the calling again as I read a message to an email list I am on for friends and family of gay mormons. The message was written to a mother who is new to the list and to the idea of her return-missionary son being gay.

"Yes, it is lonely. Your life will never be the same, but you will make many wonderful friends and gain much understanding and grace. And you will probably believe, as many of us do, that this is a new calling for us. For if not us...who?"

The feeling was confirmed in my heart again this morning as I pondered the messages in word and song in Sacrament meeting. The first talk was about the Welfare program of the church, emphasized by sweet personal stories of service for those in need. The final message of the talk was that the main blessing of the welfare program is letting people know that God loves each of them and is mindful of their situations.

The story was shared of the Prophet Elijah, and how God told him to seek food and shelter from a poor widow, who didn't even have enough food for herself and her son, I believe. But God told Elijah to ask, and the widow to share, and though it did not logically make sense, they had faith and obeyed, and were both blessed, the widow blessed with all the food she needed for her family to make it through that tough time.

I compared this story to my own situation: there are those who would argue that God would never ask us to do something that seems contrary to what the prophets or inspired leaders tell us, but I am certain that God has given me a message over and over the last few months. I am certain that I not only need to be tolerant of gay marriage, I need to rejoice in it so that I can completely fulfill my calling, helping my gay friends to know that God loves them and is mindful of them. I don't think that message would come as strongly to them if I had the opinion that "God loves you, but..." Does that make sense? I have come to completely accept it and agree with it so that I can completely love and accept each of them, and express that to others that I come in contact with at church and school. Eventually, attitudes will change, even if there will be a lot of battles along the way.

I participated in a musical number today in Sacrament meeting that goes right along with the idea of following God's plan for me. It is written by Alice and Larry Beebe:

Here am I, take my hand
Savior lead me through this land.
Hear my humble plea for courage,
In this world of sin and strife.
Oh, Savior please guide my life.

Here am I, take my hand
Walk beside me in this land.
Let me hear the voice of knowledge,
Understanding truths today.
Oh Savior, please lead the way.

Here am I a warrior, in the battle of saving souls.
Here are these my willing hands.
Give me strength to renew this sacred trust,
Sacred trust.

Here am I, take my hand
Savior lead me through this land.
I stand ready now to serve thee,
Hand in Hand eternally.
Standing firm with my Savior,
Obedient to promises
Oh, Savior, I come to thee.

Do you think in the life before this one that I make a promise to my Savior that I now have to keep, one that will not be easy, but will certainly be worth it? I think so, I really do.

In Sunday School (aren't you proud of me for going to all of my meetings, while Scott was off after our Sacrament meeting with Ron Schow to a different Sacrament meeting and Sunday School?) we were discussing Doctrine and Covenants section 46 and spiritual gifts. After we read through the entire section of material, the teacher asked if we thought there were any other spiritual gifts that were not listed in the text.

The first one that was suggested was a gift of compassion. Has God given me personally the spiritual gifts that I need to complete this calling? Yes, I believe he has, but it will also require the gift of courage, and as courageous as I may seem sometimes, I really do need more.

Relief Society took a shocking turn today as the lesson finished by discussing the 10 virgins and the qualities that we need to develop within ourselves to fill our own lamps with oil. The teacher ended by asking if we had seen or heard about Miss California in the Miss USA pageant. She asked a sister who nodded to tell us about it and then other people began to comment. Even I commented about hearing her say on the news that she felt she had been blessed with the opportunity to share her viewpoint with the country. They talked about her courage to stand up for what she believes, and then of course the comments turned into her standing up for what is right.

The time was up and the meeting ended. As I gathered hymnbooks and put them away, I was in awe with myself for not being upset. I was able to sit through a brief gay marriage discussion and still feel calm and happy at the end.

I also thought about, how, if there had been more time, I would have liked to say that I was impressed with Miss CA's courage to say what she believed, but that I am equally impressed by Mormons who have the courage to say what they believe, even when it is the opposite view in favor of gay marriage. I thought of my courage and my daughter's courage to interview for that documentary, and now I hope with all of my heart, that like Miss California, my voice will be heard by those who need to hear it all over this nation.

I am invigorated and blessed by what I have learned about myself this weekend, for the person I am becoming and for the renewed strength I have found to carry on.

Serenity

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
~Reinhold Niebuhr

Saturday I attended a family bridal shower, and this quote was hanging on the wall in the restroom of my cousin' s home. I've decided it needs to be my motto, given the turmoil I have felt over the last few weeks.

Earlier in the week, when I was in church melt-down mode, I thought Scott and I decided that we would skip our 9 am sacrament meeting (So that we could have more Easter-morning time as a family, maybe watch that church DVD on Christ that was in the Ensign a few years ago. Also, it was our fast and testimony meeting and I really was not in the mood to listen to people say how glad they are to have prophets to follow when the world is such a scary place. My brain always reads certain things into comments like that, assuming the person is automatically thinking about gay marriage in particular.) I knew the kids would want to go to primary and Young Womens, and I needed to go fulfill my calling in Relief Society.

Then Saturday night Scott said the only meeting he was willing to go to was Sacrament meeting. So, we decided to go for the whole block of meetings, and Scott planned to sit in the foyer while he waited for the rest of us. (Ever since a comment was made in EQ the week of the "apostasy" lesson about Prop 8 and "that persuasion" of people, he has refused to attend. I can't say I blame him.)

Sacrament meeting wasn't bad. I honestly didn't listen much, because I was chosing songs for Relief Society and dealing with children who always fight over me. One man in our ward spoke about Elder Holland's talk and how good it made him feel to realize that Christ knows what it feels like to be totally and completely alone.

That is the one talk that stood out in my mind last week. Elder Holland wins again for giving the talk that impressed me the most (6 months ago it was his talk on Angels). I thought of many of my young friends who always say how alone they feel. They don't feel like they can marry someone of the opposite gender, and if they want to stay in the church, then they can't seek the companionship of someone of the same gender, so they resign themselves to the depressing thought of always being alone, or the thought of seeking companionship and thus being separated from church and God, and thus being alone in another way. Such a struggle. I wish I knew what to say. Actually, this make's me think of John's blog post, "Interviews with Christ." Check it out if you haven't already. In my heart I feel like he has hit the nail on the head. He talks about how everyone has to seek the path that is best for them and then live the best they can.

Anyway, child #3 ended up wanting to go home after Testimony meeting, so I ran Scott and the child home, and returned partway through Sunday School. Not wanting to interrupt the meeting and sit by myself, I sat in the foyer and started reading general conference talks from last week on my phone.

Jacob, who you might know as a reader of my blog, came in the door while I was sitting there (he had run home for a minute as well). He was very kind as he sat down and talked to me, knowing how I have been feeling this week. He seemed glad to see me at church, at the very least, and was so non-judgemental of my struggle. I was glad that he did not ignore me, but took the time to acknowledge and check on me. He wished me luck and said he would be thinking of me when I told him that my "favorite teacher" would be giving the lesson. (I have not attended a lesson of hers since...December, I think. And of course January's was the one I was blessed to miss.)

I was just kind of blah throughout the day. During Relief Society I listened when something peaked my interest, and otherwise went back to reading from last week's conference talks. The teacher acknowleged and thanked me for the songs I chose that went so well with the lesson. She is such a kind and loving person, full of compassion, and I felt of her sincere desire to reach out to me and let me know of her gratitude.

I did jot down a few notes during the lesson for blogging purposes:

• Someone mentioned Zion's camp, and how the men did not accomplish what they had in mind, but God did accomplish what he wanted--a learning experience for the leaders of His church.

I thought of how we must have faith, that God sometimes works in mysterious ways to accomplish his goals. I mentioned this in my interview for the documentary, that some may find my opinion blasphemous, but perhaps the reason God wanted the church to be involved in the Prop. 8 campain was to help give the gay-rights movement a boost that they would not have had otherwise. It has brought the topic to the front of discussions, which is where it needs to be if anything is going to change. Scott and I have wondered how the timing in our lives fits into this big picture. Why was Scott able to come to terms with his same-sex attraction right when the church was in the middle of this politcal battle? We feel there has to be a reason for the timing for us.

• The teacher presented this quote from the lesson (and Joseph Smith), just as the children in the primary room next to us began to sing "I'll walk with you" : I am a lover of the cause of Christ and virtue, chastity, and an upright steady course of conduct, and a holy walk.

What kind of walk is a holy walk, and does it have anything to do with walking with those who are not like us, like the song speaks of? I believe so. The timing of the song and the quote was perfect for my thoughts.

• The teacher spoke of how God expects us to be the best "us" that we can be, and not compare ourselves to others.
  

Boy, isn't that exactly what I need to do right now. I don't need to be like the "perfect" women in the ward, but I don't need to change who they are, either. All I need to be is myself, the best me that I can be. I need "...the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

• She also mentioned Elder Holland's talk, and gave some sweet examples of past events in her own life, when she has felt the help of her own father from beyond the veil.

I was reminded of sweet moments last summer when I too, felt help from beyond the veil, from Scott's mother whom I have never met. I was reminded of my blessings and the angels in my life.

• Some of her final words were the thoughts that no one is brought back to the gospel by condemnation, but there is also a fine line between standing up for what we know is right and compassion for others.

Is it possible that somehow those words were meant for me from her personally, letting me know that she did not mean to condemn me, but only that she was standing up for right, and was learning to find that fine line between doing so and also letting me know of her love and compassion for me? I don't know, but her words were tender and heartfelt.

Wow, yesterday during the lesson I was blah. Being at church was blah. I did not feel inspired to stay active in the church, but I was not miserable either. I did felt inclined, or maybe inspired to write down some notes, and now as I blog through and analyze the notes, I am truly touched that God is mindful of me, that the sisters in my ward truly do love me (which I already knew, but was being too prideful to recognize their efforts ).

I don't think it is time to give up yet. There is peace and serenity from church attendance, even if it doesn't come until the following day. :)