Ward Temple Day

The bishop declared yesterday ward temple day, and that everyone should attend the temple with their families as a gift to the Savior this Christmas.

Wish I could.

So I sent my children instead.  They went with two of their cousins, and the oldest one drove.  They had 3 family names to do baptisms for, and my daughter decided to go along, hoping she could do some temple file names. It was my son's first time, and he was nervous. I longed to go with him.

But all went well without me.  The Oquirrh Mountain Temple was busy, so they each did their one family name, and that was it (daughter was given a card from a different family that was there). Son enjoyed it and realized that I was right when I told him he didn't need to be nervous.

Now my brother and sister will do the rest of the work without me. My mom doesn't know who else to have help with the sealing.  We talked about it a few weeks ago and stood and cried in her kitchen, holding each other. I cried as I told my parents that Scott no longer attends church with us. That he is no longer even trying to get his recommend.

I'm waiting to hear from the Stake President as he talks to active LDS (with recommends) who are also members of Affirmation (or rather, talks to their priesthood leaders, I guess).

I don't know what will happen.  I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.  I only hope I can pick up the pieces again when it is all over.  My desire to hang in there is wanning, and bitterness is starting to get the best of me. I pray often for my heart to be softened, that I can forgive my leaders.  But it is so hard.

Two weeks ago the kids and I stayed home from church with Scott.  I asked the kids the night before, "Do you want to go pass the Sacrament tomorrow?" "Do you want to go to Young Women's tomorrow?" "Do you want to go to Primary tomorrow?"  Each of them told me "not really."  So we slept in, we watched "Music and the Spoken Word" featuring Natalie Cole.  Scott made breakfast for us.  Sweedish pancakes! Yum! We listened to more uplifting music of Christmas and our Savior, and our home was filled with love and peace and the spirit.  I did not get a substitute for Relief Society music for the first time ever.  As expected, they survived without me.

It was so much easier than getting everyone up and fighting with them to get them ready, having our 4-year-old ask on the way to church, "Where is dad?", sitting through meetings fighting morning sickness and hoping I brought enough food with me, facing all the smiles and "how are you"'s of everyone in the ward, some of them obviously trying harder to reach out to me since I am there alone. Some of them asking where Scott is. And I tell them the truth, and I cry. I used to cry because he was not there with me.  Now I cry because I am not home with him, and I feel like a ward project. And worst of all, facing the occaisional comments in lessons about how the world is spiraling downward, and we need to be careful not to be distracted by even one tiny thing that we don't agree with, that might eventually cause us to completely give up that which is most important to us.

What is more important?  Going to church where I am in turmoil and conflict and cry all the time?  Or staying home with my family, feeling the peace of the spirit and the love that we share. But of course staying home guarantees that I will not get my recommend back. Curses.

Please, dear God, help me figure out what to do. What is best for my children.  What is best for Scott.  What is best for the unity and peace of our family. What is best for ME.

All I want for Christmas is an answer.

Relief Society Practice Song

On Sunday the lesson in Relief Society will be from the Joseph Smith manual, lesson #29 "Living with Others in Peace and Harmony". I have been planning for a few weeks that "I'll Walk with You" would be the perfect practice song, and now after reading Eternity's posts about it (even though I haven't read the actual lesson yet) I still think it is a good choice.

Back in November I wanted to use it as the practice song when Scott bore his testimony in Sacrament meeting about being gay. I called the R.S. president, and gave her a general idea of what I wanted to say prior to singing the song as an explanation (that Carol Lynn Pearson had written it with gay people somewhat in mind). She said she needed to talk to the bishop. I asked her to wait until after Scott had talked to the bishop that morning (about bearing his testimony) and that I would call her back. But she didn't wait--the bishop mentioned it to Scott as he left that morning and told him that I did not have his approval.

The next week I gave the RS Pres. a copy of the following, and told her to run it past the bishop again with the exact wording I wanted to use:

Early in August 1987, ... I received a call from the General Board of the Primary, the Church's organization for children. She said, "Sister Pearson, we have a problem, and we wondered if you could help us solve it. We're preparing a new songbook for the Primary and it's ready to go to press, but there's one more song we need and we don't have it. We're asking you to write it for us. There are so many children in the Church who have special needs, so many who are handicapped or are different in one way or another. We want so much to include them, to encourage the other children to be kind and loving to them. We need the song immediately. Can you do this for us?"

I said, of course, I would try.

"I'll Walk with You" is found on page 140 of the Children's Songbook, music by Reid N. Nibley. It has an illustration of one girl in a wheelchair being pushed by another, both of them smiling. Sometimes when we sing it in Relief Society, I am asked to lead the singing. It pleases me so much to know it is sung in LDS congregations all over the world, by children and often by adults. As they sing, they have in mind children like ... the little girl in the illustration, but as I wrote it I also had in mind the little children who, as they grow up, will find themselves of a sexual orientation sure to present a challenge for them in our church and our society. (No More Goodbyes, page 112-113.)

So, I haven't talked to anyone about it since I gave the paper to her in mid-November. Two days ago, I sent her an email telling her I wanted to use it on Sunday and wondering what she and the bishop had decided. I just received a phone call from one of her counselors, the one over the lessons and music, letting me know that we could not sing the song I had chosen for Sunday.

Me: Can't sing the song? I questioned. It is in the children's songbook. Maybe they don't want me to say what I was going to say, but not even letting us sing the song is ridiculous. It is "I'll Walk with You."

Her: Oh, I love that song, and if it is in the children's songbook, I'm sure it is fine. I don't know. Do you want me to call her again and make sure?

Me: No (then I start crying and rambling about how I want to be released and out of Relief Society and if only people would let Scott and I talk about this incredible mission we are on and the difference we are making and the friends and family we have online that are not real family at all, etc, etc.)

I feel bad that I unloaded on her. I've had a stomach bug for two days now, and I really must go to work tomorrow, and I am getting rather grumpy about it. This was the last straw today. The last homophobic, stupid straw.

I want to just do it anyway, with their disapproval and all.

Thanks for letting me vent. Is it the flu-bug crazziness talking, or a streak of "revengeful" genetics that I get from my mom making me want to go against the adamant council? Our bishop had surgery this week, so I really don't need to add to his stress. And I ought to respect my RS president who has been pretty respectful and non-judgemental of me through all of this, starting with the anonymous letter I wrote to her last August. Bother, here comes the submissive "do what you know is right" side of me. I'm sorry, but I am not in the mood to be Molly Mormon any more. Argh!

Weekend Notes

Brief overview, just for my own records mostly:

MoHo Party - Loved it, as usual! New friends, old friends, laughter and good food. Probably the funniest thing was that two sets of friends (who have been to our house before) actually went to the next-door-neighbor's house first. I laughed and laughed when I found out. One was a moho and his moho friend, the second was a MOM couple. I apologized to my neighbor about it today at church. It didn't seem to have been a big deal, but I wonder what she was REALLY thinking. :) Thanks to everyone who came; and those who live too far away to come or had a conflict, please know that we still love you and wish we could meet you or see you again.

Oh, a couple of quick notes:

In the future, please let Scott know if you are bringing food and if possible what you are bringing (and don't feel obligated to bring anything!) I'm afraid Scott is a bit anal about his catering, so when no one said they were bringing anything, he insisted on planning a menu that would stand on its own, and thus we had waaayy too much food. (Thanks for what you did bring! It was all wonderful!)

Second, we have a few lost-and-found items: a men's dressy black coat from January's party, and a small sparkly hair clip from last night. Let us know if they belong to you and we will keep them safe for you.

FYI, girl scout cookies are in tomorrow and I need money for them by March 29th. So you can wait until the next party to get and pay for them, or make arrangements with us to get them sooner. Thanks!

Church Today - I have decided that I really need a calling out of the Relief Society. I guess I should start praying for it. :) Nothing was said specifically about anything that could possibly bother me, but I am just more uncomfortable in general than I would like to be. Today's lesson, topic chosen by the Relief Society Presidency, was on "Virtue". Apparently virtue was recently added as the 8th Young Women value. The word itself encompasses a lot of different things: chastity, integrity, strength, etc. It was an interesting discussion, but I was slightly uncomfortable with some of the comments, but not because of what was said, but because of what my own mind did with them.

One lady made a great comment about choosing to make a stand at Marie Calendars yesterday when they were out of the pie she wanted and they suggested that she come back today to get it. She politely told them, "No we won't do that on the Sabbath." That lead one of my neighbors to talk about how important it is to make a stand on things like that, especially so that our children can see our example and know where the line is between right and wrong. I started to feel guilty because last month when my daughter was selling girl scout cookies, it was a Sunday and one lady in the ward specifically asked her to come over so she could order cookies since the order form was due the next day. When we got home, my daughter decided she should run to another neighbors' house since she never made it over there, either, to sell cookies. I know my neighbors pretty well (they are awesome people but really churchy), so I suggested that she wait and run over the next day after school instead. She decided to go right then, and I shrugged and told her it was her decision. She came back dejected that the neighbor would not order cookies because it was Sunday. During the lesson today I suddenly felt like my neighbor was telling me that I should not have allowed my daughter to come selling cookies on Sunday, that I needed to set a more "virtuous" example for her. Now, she didn't really say this, and I have no way of knowing that is at all what she was thinking, but my mind always thinks things that she might have been thinking, and it drives me crazy.

Before that comment, another lady also made a comment about how important it is for us to stand up for what we know is true so that our children will not be confused. Even though I feel strongly that I am standing up for what I know is true, the fact that God loves all of his children, gay or straight, I couldn't help but think that she might be thinking that I am only confusing my children by standing up in favor of gay marriage. Maybe I am, but I don't care. :P

Family Party - Today is the first time we have seen anyone in Scott's family since we took a moho friend with us last month. Needless to say, I was a bit nervous. Scott emailed them, of course, right after we figured out exactly what had gone on. The email led to some conversations by phone and email with several of his sibblings, both steps and biological ones. I decided to start sending them tidbits of things to help them understand our lives a little better, such as blog comments and excerpts of blog posts. Two of the step-siblings wrote back and thanked me for sharing. My mother-in-law let us know how great Scott's email was. From the rest we have been met with silence. I don't know if they are reading them or just filtering them into their junk folders, but I had to try.

Anyway, tonight when we arrived, within 10 minutes one step-sister gave me a hug and thanked me again in person for the emails. Another step-sister came over to talk to us, tell us she had read the email, and that she was praying for us. She is kind of the black sheep of the family and has so many things going on in her own life, but she is doing well right now, and I told her that we had been praying for her as well. I had to hold back a few tears while we talked. I could sincerely feel of her love for us. A step brother came in and immediately talked to us, asked us how we were doing. A few minutes later when he and I happened to be crossing paths away from the hustle and bustle in the family room and kitchen, he told me how much he enjoyed my emails and the stories I shared.

No one totally ignored us, and the atmosphere was generally comfortable, but the only conversation that happened between us and a biological sister and brother was necessary conversation as we interacted, cleaning up from dinner or whatever. They both asked Scott a computer question or two. At one point Scott was sleeping and everyone wondered why he was so tired that he could sleep through such a noisy atmosphere, and I mentioned our party and all of his food preparations. The sister's husband asked about who the party was for, and I told him we have a monthly party with our blog friends. (Apparently he and his wife don't talk about it, because I KNOW that she knows about our parties.) My mother-in-law asked about what food he made, etc. It was a brief conversation, but not uncomfortable like some conversations of that nature have been in the past.

Later, as his step-mom was cutting my hair and we were alone in her beauty shop, we talked in more detail about things. Scott's dad read No More Goodbyes during the last month and she says he learned a lot. I think he is going to try to pass the book off to Scott's brother. Maybe he would actually consider reading it if it came from his dad. We haven't even dared suggest it. He and his wife refuse to be friends with us on facebook, although they "are [our] friends in real life." (Facebook is EVIL!)

Anyway, all in all, it was a good night, and hopefully things will get easier as time goes on. Understanding and accepting that all of this is not going away is going to take a little longer with some of them, but we can keep praying and hoping and loving all of them in the mean time. The children had a blast with their cousins, no one stormed off early, and everyone loved Scott's birthday desert, as usuall. It was nice to have things a bit back to normal.

Be Ok

It has been a good day today. I've found myself humming "Be Ok" by Ingrid Michaelson. It came on the radio last week one day when I was feeling down, and I have had it in my head off and on ever since. Good, simple, heartfelt plea.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok, I just want to be ok today...
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok.

Yesterday I was a bit depressed about recent lessons in Relief Society and I couldn't figure out how to get out of my funk. I eventually made a decision and emailed the RS President. In a nutshell, I told her that I was having a hard time with one sister's lessons in particular, and that I was going to be missing RS on the second Sundays for a while.

During my prep time at work, I was listening to an album by Kenneth Cope, "Women at the Well". One song in particular ("If Thou had Been Here") is so meaningful to me as I sang it a year or two ago with a friend in the ward as part of the Easter program in Sacrament meeting. The song is from the view of Martha and Mary, wondering why Christ did not come soon enough to heal their sick brother. Then they realize that because He came so late, the miracle was much more dramatic as he raised Lazarus from the dead. As I sang through the words while grading papers, I couldn't help but think that often in order to accomplish the greatest things, God does things we don't understand that hurt us at the time, and then later we can see His whole plan and be grateful for it. Wow. Everything will be ok.

It seems that yesterday was truly a manic Monday for many of us. On the 5 minute or less ride home from the elementary school, I found out that the neighbor girl had been called a liar by one of her friends, and it was something that I knew personally she wasn't lying about. I said something to calm her tears, and convinced her that everything will be ok.

Then my oldest son shared with me that he had told some of his friends about his plans to crochet an afghan, and how the friends laughed at him (I didn't think to warn him of that when he told me his plan the night before, dang it!). "Why are boys expected to like sports; I don't like sports; and why isn't it okay for a boy to want to crochet a blanket? I don't get it." Tears started to sparkle in his eyes.

As the neighbor girl climbed out of the mini-van, I gave her a hug and told her that even if her friend didn't believe her, that the important thing was that she wasn't lying, and Heavenly Father knew that, too. She smiled, said thanks, and walked across our yard to her house. As I watched her go, I realized that my words to her had been words to myself as well. This lady in Relief Society might not believe that it is okay for me to disagree with Prop 8, but I know that Heavenly Father knows what is in my heart, and everything will be ok.

Today when I woke up, the sadness was gone. As I faced the school day, I was distracted by my desire to send the RS president another email. Try as I might, I still couldn't stay on task, so I finally decided to give into my distraction. It didn't take long; I had written part of it the day before.

Dear RSP,

I just felt like sharing this quote. I heard about the lesson on Sunday. I thank my Heavenly Father for giving me a reason to stay home. I know without a doubt that He had a hand in my decision to do so. I am grateful that He is so mindful of me. I pray for [the teacher] to be mindful of me as well. I know she has good intentions and that she doesn't mean to hurt me, or if she does know she is hurting me, that it is only for my eternal salvation, which she feels is worth the pain, I guess. The problem is that in reality my eternal salvation is only at risk because she is pushing me away, otherwise I believe I would be fine. (This same problem is happening in wards throughout the church with others that hold my view and hers.)


From the Salt Lake Tribune:
http://m.sltrib.com/topic/825-Local%20News/articles/180519569

Latter-day Saints are free to disagree with their church on the issue without facing any sanction, said L. Whitney Clayton of the LDS Quorum of the Seventy. "We love them and bear them no ill will."



Thanks for your support. I am so sorry to burden you with all of this.

Love,

Sarah


P.S. I would like to share my thoughts with how I stand with all of this at the moment. I know I kind of told you a couple of weeks ago, after my testimony, but maybe I should put it in writing so that you can understand where I am coming from a little better. Feel free to share this with anyone in the ward that you think would benefit from it. Thanks


I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that the LDS church is blessed with leaders that are inspired to do what is best for the church. I believe that God had a purpose to inspire the leaders of the church to be involved in the campaigns against gay marriage. I do not believe that they would have been so involved in the political process without having prayed about it first.

However, that does not mean that I am not entitled to my own inspiration and revelation for myself. Due to personal experiences, my mind and heart cannot side with banning gay marriage. I have been a member of the church my entire life, and I have never had this kind of inner conflict before, and I also know the process for receiving personal revelation. I studied both sides of the issue, I attended the temple, and I prayed, but still I was in turmoil and could not find peace in agreeing with the leaders of the church. Finally, instead of praying to know that what the church was doing was right, I prayed to know if it was okay to have the opinion that I have. Finally, I was able to taste the sweet peaceful feeling of my Heavenly Father's love. He spoke to my heart and told me that it is okay for me to have the view that I have.

I don't know why he has revealed this to me when the church has received other revelation, but I think it is because he has given me an important calling right now to help and love some of his precious children and bring them unto him. I cannot fully empathize with them and help them to feel of God's love for them without having the peaceful view that I do for same-sex marriage. Just like a speaker shared in our regional conference meeting, I cannot ignore the promptings and calling that the Lord has given me at this time. Also, I cannot let the fact that others fear for my soul and call me to repentance throw me back into turmoil. I know what God has told me, and I know that He knows it, and I cannot deny it. I feel that I need to stay active in the church to set an example for my friends, but it is getting harder and harder to do so when I am continuously called to repentance by a sweet sister in the ward.

I don't know what else to do or what else to say to help you understand. I can only pray for you that you too will find peace, not with gay marriage, but rather that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing right now in my life. Trust me that my trust is in God, not man, and that I must follow his promptings to me personally. I am not going to be an anti-christ and spread a message against the Prophet of God. But I am going to spread a message of peace and love toward all men.

Sarah

She responded this time.

Sarah - Thanks for sharing your thoughts and trusting me. I appreciate your love and concern. May the Lord continue to bless us in our individual lives and may you know and feel of my love for you. Love Ya, RSP

The rest of the day, I just felt like everything was going to be ok.

I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok.

I DO know, I WILL be ok, and I AM ok today.

Sunday Observations

During Sunday School yesterday we were discussing the Army of Helaman. The class began to discuss how it seems that the testimonies of the youth are getting stronger and stronger as the years go by, and maybe it is because they need to be for these perilous times. My mind wandered to how grateful I have always been for the testimony that I developed as a youth. When I was 17-18, I seriously had an incredible testimony of Christ and other aspects of the gospel. I was very diligent at reading my scriptures and praying. An adult leader commented to me after a youth conference testimony meeting of how strong my testimony seemed to be for someone my age. I always wondered why I was so blessed with believing and accepting truth and feeling it in my heart. Although I was raised in the church and knew that my parents had testimonies and were faithful in attending, I never heard them bear their testimonies nor saw them participate in personal scripture study or prayer, hold FHE, etc. I wondered why I personally was blessed with such spiritual strength.

Since that time, I have not always been so diligent at the personal prayer and study that I enjoyed as a youth, and so I have been grateful that my testimony has been strong enough to endure things that have tested it. Now especially, I need it as never before. I am relying on it. I see now how the Lord has prepared my life prior to this time so that my testimony could survive through this new struggle with the church and its views on homosexuality, gay marriage, etc.

When I was telling another teacher at school about my summer (he happens to be in the bishopric in his ward) he was impressed that my struggles with things in the church over the last couple of years were to help prepare me for this time. Let me back up and give a brief history: I was Primary President for about a year, and I did not get along with the Bishop during that time. I also struggled to get along with one of my counselors. All in all, it was a horrible experience. Sometimes when people are released from callings they get up in testimony meeting and say how grateful they were for the experience and even though it was hard, they learned a lot from it that made it worthwhile. Not me. I learned to question the leadership of my ward. I learned to question my own inspiration regarding the counselor I had selected. I was confused. Church became a place of anxiety for me and I dreaded it. I think it was the only year I have taught school that I have NOT looked forward to the weekend. Since then, I have continually asked myself why I had to go through that year of hell.

Last year at school I was very emotional and on edge. I did not handle anything very well and I cried a lot. One time last year when I was unloading my stress on this same teacher, he said that he and another teacher in the department had decided that my being primary president had broken me. Here it was a year later, and I was still an emotional basket-case. For a while last year I was the ward organist. Four months after I started playing the organ, I was informed by both the bishop and a counselor that I was playing too loud. I felt ganged up on. I wondered why I had been playing for four months and never been told this before. I frequently asked Scott's opinion on volume, and he said he thought it was fine. (It is hard to tell from the organ how it sounds to the congregation.)

Then, a week later, we had a sacrament meeting where people were assigned to share a few words about their favorite hymn and then we sang it. I was given a weeks notice. (The counselor had no other ideas for speakers and decided this was a good idea without considering how it affected the people involved, like my practice time.) The music director selected those to share the hymns, and at my request, she put me last, and my favorite hymn was to be the closing song. I had prepared my explanation of the hymn. I practiced for hours to prepare for the meeting. I played well, but was anxious and excited the whole time to share my hymn. When it was my turn, I started to get up from the organ, and the bishop got up and motioned me back. I thought he was going to close the meeting because we were nearing ten after the hour, but then he gave "remarks" for quite a while, and I sat there on the organ bench getting more and more frustrated. Finally, he announced the closing song and prayer. Instead of playing the intro to the hymn, I got up and shared a modified version of my prepared words through my hurt tears prior to playing the closing song.

The following week I sent a letter to a counselor in the bishopric (the one not involved above) asking to be released from all of my callings (organist, ward music chair and R.S. chorister) due to stress and anxiety. I wanted to go inactive. Instead, I chose to quit my stress and stay active. (I actually called him later and decided to stay as chorister since I didn't see any way the bishop could be involved in stressing me out with that one.)

So, that was January. I have spent the last 6 months getting comfortable with church again, comfortable with the fact that I had actually "quit" church callings. I know some people would never consider that, so I felt a bit guilty. Just when I was beginning to feel again like I actually wanted to go to church instead of just going through the motions, BANG, the gay thing hits.

So, my co-worker's opinion was that maybe it was all to prepare me to realize that the leaders of the church, local or general, are still human. They are not infallible. It is our choice individually to be offended and go inactive, or to cling to our testimonies and know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true, even if some of the policies and procedures don't seem quite right to us.

Fortunately, my mother brought me up with this same philosophy. I watched her say "no" to callings. I heard her say many times that if everyone who was offended by someone at church stopped coming, there would be no one there. I am so grateful for her. Sometimes I long to tell her just how grateful I am and explain why, and then I realize that I am not quite ready to tell her the whole story. I don't want her to worry about me right now. There will be a time, and hopefully I will know when that time is. In the meantime, I am silently grateful for her.