Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Being me

I want Scott to be happy.

When he gets stood up or comes home from the club feeling ignored and undesirable, I really do feel sad with him.

But I also have a twinge of hope that he might finally decide that having me desire him is good enough.

When he comes home from a date happy and is excited about a second date or enjoying a chat with someone he likes, I am happy for him. I want to know more. Like roommates in college, I want the nitty gritty details. At least I think I do.

But he says nothing. So then I ask him questions (nothing too personal: what's his name, how old is he, what's his job, etc.), but his answers are short and to the point, which is normal for Scott.

So finally I am brave and say, "Talk to me like I'm your friend instead of your wife-type-person. Do you like him? Does he like you?" And so we start to talk like friends. But then the "I love you and desire you and miss the intimate part of our marriage" side of me--you know, the jealous bitch--kicks in gear, and instead of asking all the questions I thought I wanted  to know, I force back signs of emotion (although I'm certain Scott knows me well enough to recognize it), I change the subject, say goodnight and then snuggle my 5 year old while I cry a bit. I'm sure this reaction is totally normal, completely to be expected.

But I want to be better than normal.

I want to want him to be happy.

I really think I do.

But there's this selfish part of me that won't let go, that clings to our patriarchal blessings and to the hope that he might discover the grass isn't necessarily greener and will come back to me.

But then I ask myself why. I think of things about him that drive me crazy, that I would gladly be rid of.

But then I think of all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place, and a lot of them are still part of who he is.

And I don't know what to do.

At least these moments of confusion are fleeting. Life is good. Work is good. Scott is very good to me and the kids. Most of the time we get along great, and as my daughter told my mother, as long as Scott and I are not fighting, life feels pretty normal...

...at least for the kids.

And that's something to be grateful for.

But I wonder if we will ever be able to be just best friends.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Request for help!

For anyone who has read through my entire blog more recently than I have, what are your favorite posts?

Appreciate the assistance. I'll explain later.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Conference Blues

To all of my gay friends that might be watching conference and struggling with feelings of being gay, please do not kill yourself over President Packer's words.

(Quotes are approximate from my memory.) "These unnatural feelings are not inborn. Why would God do that to anyone? He wouldn't. God will not give us temptations more that what we can handle."

He continued to speak, but my mind was running his words over and over in my head instead of listening any more. By the end of his talk, I was sobbing and pleading with God that all of the young men and young women listening to his words will not take his words as the words of God and kill themselves because they simply cannot change or cannot keep trying to change.

God loves you the way you are!

President Packer quoted the scripture, "Men are that they might have joy." I believe that. God wants us to be happy.

I've mentioned this before, but my 14-year-old daughter has sometimes said the exact same thing: "Why would God do that to anyone? Why would he make them gay and then not let them have the happiness of love and marriage?"  And of course, my children understand the pain of it all too well as they watch the unhappiness of both of their parents right now lacking love in their lives.  I love Scott with all of my heart and soul, but the fact that he cannot return that love makes our marriage broken.  Is that fair to him, me, or the kids that Scott followed the counsel of apostles years ago, that marriage to a woman is central to God's plan for happiness and must be done, just to find out now that he just can't do it anymore?

Don't get me wrong--I love the gospel. I loved the Primary program last week.  I love the spirit I feel when I am there and the values that my children are learning by attending. I don't feel uncomfortable at church any more like I did a few months ago.

A few words in conference so far have touched my heart. I LOVED President Monson's talk on not judging others in the Women's conference last week. But I had to turn conference off for my own sake yesterday after Elder Cook's talk about the right of religions to voice their opinion in public and to the government on moral issues. And then right after Elder Cook was another talk on following the Prophet. Those talks have been prevalent through every session. The attitude of essentially blind obedience seems rampant in the membership of the church, and is getting worse.

A few weeks ago in Relief Society, the teacher said "Some people are critical of me for being so unwavering when it comes to following leaders. They ask, 'If your leader asked you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?' 'Yes, I would because I know God would be there to catch me, or there would be some important reason for me to follow that instruction."

Someone in the meeting commented and said, "But we are not supposed to blindly follow our leaders. We should pray to know if what they say is true."

"Yes," the teacher responded, "but the spirit will always tell us that what that leader says is true and inspired."

I rolled my eyes, and went back to doing something on my phone instead of listening to the rest of the lesson.

When I came home and told Scott about the meeting, he said, "If I had been there, I would have asked if she would be willing to tie a bomb to herself and go blow up a bus if a leader told her to do it. That kind of mentality is dangerous."

Wow.  What a perspective! Do terrorists that act in the name of God have any less faith in their church leaders than we do in ours? Obviously not. They must believe that they are doing the right thing, or why in the world would they commit suicide and kill others like they do.

I turned the TV off again after Elder Packer's talk. I later heard about Elder Oaks' talk on personal revelation, that our own inspiration will never be contrary to revelations leaders receive. So, what about the revelation to Nephi to kill Laban? That revelation directly conflicts with one of the ten commandments.

I don't know. It is all so confusing and frustrating. Last year after much praying and pondering about the church's involvement in Proposition 8, I determined that God wanted me to be against it, and that either I needed to feel that way because He did not agree with it either, or because I needed to be able to feel true empathy for my gay friends and their families that were also struggling at the time. I know that it was personal revelation to me from God, and I cannot deny it any more than Joseph Smith could deny having seen God and Christ in the Sacred Grove. Yet, the peace and inspiration that I felt on the matter were in direct conflict with what the leaders of the church were doing and saying.

Needless to say, conference is frustrating, and perhaps my local leaders are right, perhaps I am not worthy of a temple recommend if I cannot support many words spoken in conference. Perhaps that does mean that I do not truly sustain them. But I cannot support President Packer's words, and that is that.

I just found this marvelous quote in an old blog post:

"We have heard men who hold the priesthood remark that they would do anything they were told to do by those who preside over them [even] if they knew it was wrong; but such obedience as this is worse than folly to us; it is slavery in the extreme; and the man who would thus willingly degrade himself, should not claim a rank among intelligent beings, until he turns from his folly. A man of God would despise the idea. Others, in the extreme exercise of their almighty authority have taught that such obedience was necessary, and that no matter what the saints were told do by their presidents they should do it without any questions. When Elders of Israel will so far indulge in these extreme notions of obedience as to teach them to the people, it is generally because they have it in their hearts to do wrong themselves." (Joseph Smith - Millennial Star, Vol 14, Number 38, pages 593-595).

Saturday, October 2, 2010


I realize that I said I would cover the topic of happiness in an upcoming post. I think I will still do that. Hopefully soon.

But for now, we just got around to watching this week's episode of Glee.

And all I can say is that I don't really feel very gleeful. In fact, I feel a lot like Mr. Schuster, who wants someone that does not want him in return. And it's not really his fault (even though he makes his best effort to win her back--Scott can attest that I did the same thing for a while) and it is not really her fault. It just is.

But the look on his face as he watches her drive off with Carl is a look that I completely understand and relate to, and wish I didn't.

It has been easy to forget about it with the busyness of life; with Scott and I both working together to balance everything with work and the kids. With family outings and birthday parties for the kids and Primary Programs at church, with Scott making my lunch on days when I am running behind, or staying up late to help me grade Geometry tests. Most of the time it feels just like it has for the last 15 years. And I'm used to sleeping alone now and it is just part of the routine for Scott to leave and meet up with friends in the evening a few times a week.

But there are moments when I remember everything and long for how it used to be, and it is agony.