Saturday, June 19, 2010

Trust in the Lord

After missing three weeks of church for illness, appendectomy, and Pride of course, the kids and I finally all made it to church this past week for the entire block.

I gave it my best effort, attending half of Sunday School (more on that later) and all of Relief Society (in addition to Sacrament meeting, of course).

Scott prepared me for church that morning by saying, "Haven't you had that baby yet?" and "Wow, you look like you are ready to pop!" (Comments like I have heard at church toward the end of past pregnancies that have driven me crazy.  Some of the worst include "When are you going to squirt that baby out?" and "When are you due? (me: in like 2-3 months.) Oh, you look like you are due any minute!" (I chewed the lady out for that one. I was the choir director at the time, and she and her husband stopped coming to choir. Oh well.) In reality, though, everyone was really nice to me, sympathetic and encouraging that I could endure another three weeks.  It helped a lot that I felt good and was in a relatively good mood as well.

Sacrament meeting was presented by the missionaries serving in our Stake, and the topic was "Honor thy Father and thy Mother." I thought they did a pretty good job. They mentioned how parents should set a good example for their children in living the gospel and keeping the commandments. But what I really liked was when they emphasized that even if we have parents that are doing things we think are wrong, we can still honor them. They are our parents and it is a commandment to honor them regardless of how they act. I know Scott is confusing and concerning the children a bit, but this was a nice reminder for me (and maybe for the kids, if they were listening) that we can all still love and honor him for the wonderful man and father that he is.

The talks were short, so a member of the bishopric filled in a bit at the end, reminding us that at a recent Stake Conference (which means I was probably not there, since I have missed that last two) that the main topic and warning was that Satan is doing all he can to destroy the family. Then he rambled a bit about how that applies to honoring our parents, etc.

But my brain went a different direction. With the documentary coming out in theaters this week, and also closing arguments for the Proposition 8 trial in CA, it occurred to me that Satan is working SO hard to destroy the family that he is doing it from within the church, deceiving even the very elect. I wonder if the church leaders are yet understanding just how their efforts with the prop 8 campaign are destroying the family, or if they still have blinders on, thinking that all they have done has been to help and support the family. The church has had a major influence in trying to destroy my own family, and even Scott and my extended families.  And I know stories from some of our gay friends that show how the destruction in their families is even worse than it is in ours. Why can't they see how they are offending and driving people who are parts of families away from the church instead of just loving and accepting them? It has pinned fathers and mothers against gay children, brothers and sisters against gay siblings, and of course, don't forget the straight spouses and children that are based on a family structure that most of the time just does not work. HOW CAN THIS POSSIBLY BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE WORK OF SATAN? And why can't they see it? Why? Look at the contention it has caused, and contention is definitely of the devil.

Moving on...

Sunday School was about King Saul, and how he started out as a good king, but then little by little made small choices to disobey, rationalizing his choices, and trusting in himself more than in the Lord. Scott denies that he is doing this, but I really do wonder and worry about him. I read through his patriarchal blessing a couple of weeks ago, and was concerned about the warning in his blessing, mentioned more than once, not to get caught up in following the ways of the world. I thought of it again as I read this scripture during the lesson:

Proverbs 3: 5-8

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil.
It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

I found it interesting that a line from the Word of Wisdom is in this passage. In a recent blog post, Scott mentioned feeling that the Word of Wisdom was meant as a suggestion, which it was, I guess. But doesn't it all have to do with how it fits in this scripture?  God gives us commandments and suggestions, and I believe that each of us has our own path to follow, but if we make sure that God is directing that path (through personal revelation or scriptures or leaders or whatever touches our hearts as being for each of us from God), then we will more likely find happiness on that path. Scott says he feels like he is following the spirit in his decisions, and I hope he really is, that it is not just his own wisdom and understanding leading him along.

Then there is this scripture:

1 Samuel 16:7
But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.
I think this scripture can go two ways. As I read it in context, the Lord was telling Samuel that even though someone seemed to be a good man, that the Lord could see his heart and knew otherwise. But I think in general that we can interpret this scripture to mean that it is for the Lord to judge, and not for us to make assumptions about anyone based on appearances. Scott is a good man with a good heart, but many church leaders, family, friends and blog readers, and even I have sometimes judged him too harshly, at least in my opinion.

Do I sound like I am confused about whether Scott is doing the right things or not? Definitely yes. In a nutshell, I am concerned, and I guess I long for the temple marriage and the perfect little church attending family that I once had to still be the same. But do I also know that Scott is a good man? Yes. And can I blame him for being so withdrawn from the church now after all we have been through with Prop 8 and local church leaders over the last 2 years? Definitely not. My concern is how his withdrawal from the church has pushed him more and more toward things of the world that he no longer has any problem with, but I do, and I worry about how our children might be influenced by that. Maybe it is good for them to see and then make their own choices.

Anyway, I should stop with the rambling and go back to the lesson...

At one point the teacher presented the question "Is there ever a time that it is okay to not follow the prophet?" One lady raised her hand and said, "No, never." The teacher responded that he thought there could be exceptions on occasion, but that the person should make absolutely sure that the personal revelation to them is accurate. I was glad for his comment, but I tire of the attitude of so many others, that we should pray to know that what the prophet says is true, not whether or not it is true. Like Scott has said before, why bother praying or seeking personal revelation at all if following the prophet blindly is what we are to do? What about Nephi, who chose to follow personal revelation to obtain the brass plates, instead of strict obedience to "Thou shalt not kill, lie, and steal."?

I was in a good mood, so I decided at that point to leave Sunday School so that I would not become angry and bitter about being there.

On the way home from church, I asked my daughter about her new Mia Maid class. She told me the lesson was on missionary work, and how a couple of girls shared personal experiences to go with the lesson. One girl was concerned (and emotional) that a couple of her older siblings are not involved in church any more, and it made her sad to think that they may not be able to attend her temple wedding someday. My daughter didn't say anything about that same issue affecting her, wondering if her own parents would be able to attend her future marriage. She wasn't emotional at all when she told me about the other girl crying. I wondered if she had thought about it, but I didn't ask. All I said to her was that I hoped I could get my temple recommend back sometime, that I am not a bad person, and I don't understand it, but I've stopped caring and stressing about it and pursuing it any more. I'm not willing to close my blog, so I guess I will just wait until some church leader tells me I can have it back. And since it is not likely they will call me in and offer it to me, maybe I will never have one again. Oh well. Typing those words don't even really phase me. I am tired of the battle and I am not going to fight it. I know that I am worthy of my recommend, and I know that God knows it, and I guess that will have to be enough for now.

Last week I received an email from another supportive straight spouse (or x-spouse, I guess) that I can totally relate to. This person said: 

"Why do we Mormons choose to look truth in the face and refuse to acknowledge it? Why do we believe logic and faith are incompatible?  Why do we turn our reason over to others that clearly exercise none?  Why do we turn over our reason and our will over to others?  Why am I still frustrated that the people I love and have admired all my life act like sheep?  Why do I let it hurt me that they will not listen, consider, or dignify what I have to say with so much as a thoughtful response? Why do I feel betrayed by their inability to see me as anything but deceived by the devil?   Why do I let it hurt me when now they look to my family for confirmation that we are screwing up, and refuse to see the many positive evidence of goodness?  Why does any of this even matter to me?  Why can I not be at peace with the knowledge that I am doing the right thing?"
 I wasn't sure what to tell them, other than I had all the same questions. But then I typed this response:

"You are more than welcome to vent. I do understand. All the same things, all of your questions in the first paragraph. I have not been to church for about 3 weeks because of illness (me or the kids) but I have not missed it. I plan to go Sunday, but it is just so different than it used to be because I am so different. The church will never be the same to me as it once was, and it is sad, like I've lost something incredible.
I will pray for you. It seems like those of us that are going through this have so many other things piling on us as well, and sometimes my brain wonders if it could be a punishment for my beliefs. I don't think so, though.  We are being tested in a refiners fire. Yes, maybe Satan is working overtime on us because he knows we are special, he knows we can have a huge influence in this battle as allies for those we love."
Do you think that my response was inspired?  That maybe, just maybe we are not being punished for doing what is wrong, but being tested to see if we can still follow the Lord's personal direction to us, despite what everyone else seems to think?

And so it is that I continue to try my best to trust in the Lord, to find the path that He is leading me on and do what He would have me do--for Scott, for our kids, for the gay community, for the church and our extended family and friends, and of course for myself.  Attending church when I can and clinging to my core testimony of the gospel I believe are a part of that path, but not as big a part as they were in earlier years and phases of my life. There is so much else that is good and glorious that I cannot ignore, like rejoicing in the wedding today of two incredible friends, two young men that are going to be incredible spouses to each other and incredible fathers someday. I am so grateful that they are part of our lives, and I would not trade any hardships I have been through in the past couple of years for having them and many others as dear friends.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Antelope Island

Memorial Day 2010.

The storm that is coming in over the Great Salt Lake just makes it even more beautiful. Hmm, I wonder if there is any analogy in that to my life.

Thanks, Michael, for capturing this moment, this time in our lives. And thanks for spending it with us.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Baby Names

Thanks to everyone who has participated in the baby naming poll.  You can still vote if you want to, but I thought for fun that maybe I should share some of my thoughts on names.

I think my first choice right now is Sebastian Scott Nicholson.  I have been researching possible nick names (since Sebastian is so long) and I have found Seb, Sebby, Ian, and Bastian.  I actually kind of like Ian. He will have an "S" name like everyone else, but will also be a bit unique and won't get lost in the "Sssss" when I am trying to call for one of my children. Opinions on nicknames?  Maybe I will start another poll, or just go with whatever feels right after he is born.

I thought at one point that my second choice would be Seth.  Obviously it is winning the poll, it the favorite of two of my children and my mother-in-law.  I guess there is nothing wrong with it, but it just has never felt right in my mind. So unless my heart changes when I see the child in my arms, sorry "Seth" fans, my vote is what counts the most. :)

So maybe my second choice is Skyler.  The thing I guess I am not sure about with Skyler is a middle name. I have always thought it would be nice to pass Scott's name on as a middle name for one of our children. I guess there is nothing that says we have to, I just have been sad that we had never done that. But Skyler Scott is just too much "sc" for me, if you know what I mean.

I was suprised in my poll that Silas has been neck-in-neck with Sebastian.  It is not a name I had ever considered, just one that a moho friend mentioned as a possibility. I might actually kind of like it, but I worry that the beginning of "Silas" sounds too much like "Simon" and would make things even more confusing around our house.  We already have a serious problem with "Simon" and "Sam" or "Samuel" because even though the vowel is different, it is still "S_m" and so they always think I am calling to the other child. In fact, it often comes out "Salmon" when I start saying the wrong name and end up combining them together. :)

It has been strange this time to feel as though I am making this decision on my own, since Scott won't give any opinions (other than a few strong "no's" to some suggestions we have received). One night when I was frustrated with someone in the family when she said, "Sebastian? Don't name him Sebastian!", at least Scott told me later that he had no problem with it and I could go with that one if I wanted to.

Sebastian means "venerable" or "honorable", and I have the feeling that these meanings will have to fit a child that is thrown into the chaos of our family right now. I really loved the movie "Never Ending Story" as a child, and the name of  one of the main characters is Sebastian. Scott and I have actually discussed the name before as a possibility for the other 3 boys, but it has always seemed too long or just not the right fit at the time. My favorite Sebastian from a more recent movie, though, is an adorable little boy in "Nanny McFee".  Awesome movie, and that particular child really touched my heart from the first time I saw it.

I have students that are afraid he would be called a crab, being named for a character in the well-known movie "A Little Mermaid." But even that character is honorable and cute.

I don't know what is best. I just hope and pray that I will be able to choose something that fits him, that he will like and accept as his identity as he grows older. Meanwhile, it's not like there is any birth certificate yet, so all of these thoughts could change.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Bring it on!

It has been a good week, and I feel like I need to blog to let people know that I am not always sad and depressed and miserable.

Scott has been great this week--I don't know if my last blog post helped him better understand my pain and he has been making a greater effort, but he has been very considerate and sensitive to me this week, and I want him to know how much I appreciate it!

Our 12-year-old is healing quickly from his appendectomy surgery, and the other kids haven't even complained too much about helping with his chores.

I went to Antelope Island for the first time in my life this past Monday. A good friend took some photos of me (and the family) on the beach. I figure this is for sure my last time being pregnant, and maybe it would be fun to have some pictures. I've always avoided cameras during pregnancy in the past, but for some reason I was thinking of that photo in the movie "The Family Stone" and decided maybe it would be a fun thing to have.

School is officially over (other than I have a bit of cleaning up and organizing still to do in my classroom).

The Pride festival today was hot, but fun, and it was exciting to see the students in the GSA club at my school, along with the club from a neighboring school (and my own children) march in the parade with Equality Utah.  By the time we were done wandering the festival, however, my daughter and I were almost wishing it was rainy and cold like last year. :) Scott and I splurged on rainbow tie-dye shirts for the kids that match the ones he and I bought last year, so our family was just adorable everywhere we went today! (We even got a onesie for the upcoming kid to wear next year. :) Scott and I traded shirts, since I have gained a lot of size out front, and he has lost a bit this past year and is wearing a shirt size smaller.

Scott and I attended a boy scout court of honor this evening that our son was involved in, and during the chit chat and refreshments afterwords, we were visiting with neighbors and friends that are in our ward.  Somehow we got on the topic of my heartburn, and drinking soda, and one of the friends mentioned that he didn't start really drinking soda until his divorce from his first wife. Without even really thinking, I turned to Scott and said, "Oh, is that why I've started drinking coke." Then I was kind of embarrassed at the message I had just passed along to these friends (and we all kind of chuckled), not that Scott and I are planning on divorce any time soon, but I wonder what kind of rumors I might have just started. :) Oh well.  I know there are ward members that read my blog, so chances are they really already know what is going on. :)


With the end of school brings a new phase to my life, so bring it on!

The heat of summer seems to finally be here, and I have REALLY enjoyed the cool weather, but now I can just keep the AC in my house on and pretty much ignore the heat outside.

I typically go over my due-date with my babies, so I am planning for that, but if this one happens to come a bit early, I will not complain a bit. About 4 weeks to go.

I mentioned that I still need to clean my classroom, and there is lots of organizing to be done here at home, too.  Last summer I was way lazy, but it is time to jump in and do some clean-up on projects that have been ignored since Scott came out 2 summers ago.

Who knows what else might be on its way into my life. For now, we continue to take it one day at a time. Scott has been the one since January to insist that we mull over options for our future, but now that we have mulled them over (and not come to any specific conclusions), he seems to also be okay with taking things one day at a time and crossing bridges when we get to them.

For the most part I am happy and well. I appreciate all of my friends. I appreciate that my eyes and heart have been opened to the gay part of the world. I appreciate my blog readers, the prayers, the emails, the realization that we have this amazing thing called the internet to find each other across the world and offer support to each other and know that we are not alone in what we face.  To all of you readers out there that have/are/or will face what I am (or worse!), my heart is full and I wish you the best and pray for you.  I wish for you to have the support of family and friends, to stay friends with your gay spouse, to feel the arms of your Heavenly Father around you, carrying you through, regardless of whether or not you stay active in the church.

So bring it on. With God's help we can make the best out of what life gives us.

Happy Pride day, happy Sabbath, and God bless!