Set Fire to the Rain

Sweet Adele

She nails it with this one. You have to watch the video for the whole interpretation of the lyrics.



"Set Fire To The Rain"

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets better

'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
'Cause I knew that there was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.

[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
'Cause I knew that there was the last time, the last time, oh, oh!

Let it burn
Let it burn
Let it burn

Separation

Separation has been good to us. Scott and I have both grown and found happiness in so many ways by increasing the distance between us. Last night we went to dinner to celebrate our upcoming 16th wedding anniversary. It was pleasant as we enjoyed a wonderful meal together, chit chatting about miscellaneous things as well as updating each other on how our lives are going, especially on how everything is going financially as we have been working on getting new, separate accounts and dividing debts and bills.

I know that a lot of outside people looking in feel bad for me. Many of them blame Scott, from mild disappointment to outright "he is consumed by evil spirits" judgement. But the hard part has not been the change in my relationship with Scott--most of that actually happened last summer when he moved downstairs. (Our 15th anniversary was much more difficult for me than our 16th will be.) The hardest part is the change that has come over the past year with extended family. I gave the book "Gay Mormons?" to all of our siblings and to our parents for mother's day. One of my siblings (and spouse) told my parents that they did not plan to read it at all. That spurred on a conversation between them and me that ended with me saying that I didn't want to talk until they were willing to read and learn and talk about the elephant in the room. Things have obviously been very quiet and awkward between us ever since. Meanwhile, in Scott's family, some family members that were accepting at first have become unacceptable, some that have been quiet have remained quiet, and some that were making great efforts have now hit an impassible brick wall.

What is the impassible brick wall? Church "doctrine". Doctrines like the word of wisdom and the family proclamation, "scriptural" quotes like "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God." For a year or a bit more, since Scott started dating guys and drinking occasionally, he has been very uncomfortable hanging out around his family. They have treated him nicely and made every effort to appreciate and include him, so they don't understand why it isn't enough.

Two or three weeks ago he wrote them a letter telling them that he is done associating with them unless they are willing and able to make changes to how they act and feel about our situation. The straw that broke the camel's back was his brother's unwillingness to tell his daughters (ages 10 and 13) about "Uncle Scott". There was a family BBQ while this brother and his family were in town, and Scott refused to attend. I expressed to my in-laws that I did not want to have to answer everyone's "Where is Scott?" question. So the brother sat down with his girls and told them that Scott and I are separated and getting divorced, to which the girls asked why, and the parents lied and said, "We don't know exactly. Things like this happen sometimes."

Scott was livid, and thus he wrote a letter. (Maybe I will get his permission to post it, or ask him to put it on his blog.) He and I talked about it again last night over dinner, because I have been with his family enough to know how much they are hurting from missing him, and how helpless they feel. They are at such a loss for how to handle it and what to do. I've told them a lot of things about how Scott is feeling, but I really don't know how to help if they are convinced that the church is never wrong. And part of me wishes that he could just let their disappointment roll off his back and continue to associate with them anyway.

But he helped me last night to understand. I am not him and cannot personally feel the pain he is feeling, but if he says distance from his family is a necessity for him, how can I judge that? His comment to me about it last night was, "Until they agree that the church is wrong with the gay issue, I cannot be around them, because regardless of how much they say they love me, there will always be a "but..."

I still feel like church is the place for me to be. I have good friends there. I have opportunities to learn and grow from interactions (and help others to do the same.) But of course my feelings for the church and my place within it are up and down, and I have realized that there is no way I can predict where my church attendance and membership will end up. I sit through the lessons, occasionally touched by a sentence or a feeling here or there, but trying not to be hurt or offended by things that could easily hurt me, like the last few lessons on eternal marriage. (One of the teachers said she couldn't get me out of her mind while preparing her lesson and hoped that she had been able to teach it without it being too hard on me. The worst part was realizing that when she said "some of us marry goobers" that she was thinking of Scott as a "goober." I do not blame her for her good intentions, but I do get tired of people making Scott out to be the "bad guy.")

So there I was today, doing my best to recognize that the correlated lesson material comes from the church, quotes from church leaders etc., in which many members place their unquestioning faith. The lesson today was on the law of chastity, and the following quote was read:

Like other violations of the law of chastity, homosexual behavior is a serious sin. Latter-day prophets have spoken about the dangers of homosexual behavior and about the Church’s concern for people who may have such inclinations. President Gordon B. Hinckley said:

“In the first place, we believe that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. We believe that marriage may be eternal through exercise of the power of the everlasting priesthood in the house of the Lord.

“People inquire about our position on those who consider themselves so-called gays and lesbians. My response is that we love them as sons and daughters of God. They may have certain inclinations which are powerful and which may be difficult to control. Most people have inclinations of one kind or another at various times. If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church. If they violate the law of chastity and the moral standards of the Church, then they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others are.

“We want to help these people, to strengthen them, to assist them with their problems and to help them with their difficulties. But we cannot stand idle if they indulge in immoral activity, if they try to uphold and defend and live in a so-called same-sex marriage situation. To permit such would be to make light of the very serious and sacred foundation of God-sanctioned marriage and its very purpose, the rearing of families” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1998, 91; or Ensign, Nov. 1998, 71).

So, sitting through that bunk was hard enough, but then the first words out of the teacher's mouth after the quote was read was something having to do with following the prophet.

I got up and walked out. I was calm. But I knew if I stayed, I wouldn't stay calm, and I would either turn into a pile of mush, or I would say what was on my mind. Either option would not be pretty or appropriate for the meeting. Walking out was the better option. The Relief Society president followed me. She tried to hug me and said she was sorry that the lesson was hard on me. I responded that I could not deny support of my gay friends to marry. She shrugged and said something about church doctrine or teachings or something. I told her I was alright and just had to leave the situation for a bit. Then I left her and went outside and took a walk around the building. Then I came inside and took another walk around the inside air-conditioned building. I needed/wanted to go back, but I had to get it out of my system first. Should I call Scott? No... I know! I will post it on Facebook. That way people in the ward will even see it. Family will see it. And they will see where my loyalties lie: with love, with God, and with my friends.

Here is my post:
"I have to say what I couldn't say in Relief Society. (Instead I walked out.) In my heart I know that my gay friends' marriages are approved by God. I've been in attendance at them and the feeling of happiness and hope was similar to attending a temple marriage. I don't give a sh* what the effin prophets say."

With that post and resulting accolades from LGBTQ friends and allies, I was reminded of three years ago when my struggle was to understand God's position on gay rights. I kept praying and praying, and the answer finally came from my patriarchal blessing: "You have been given the talent to believe and accept truth." As I think of that again today, I feel confidently that God was and is telling me to trust my heart. If I believe that he approves of gay marriage, and I accept that belief, and I have a talent for accepting truth, then logically it must be truth.

I'm not sure this fits in this blog post, but another thing that occurred to me recently is that maybe leaders and general conference talks are pushing the topic of "Following the prophet. Follow your inspired leaders." because someday many church members may have a hard time following and agreeing with new church policies regarding homosexuals. Who knows? :)

Three years ago today...

...I had no idea that my life was about to change.

I didn't know that in a little over a year, I would be denied my temple recommend, and Scott would stop attending church shortly thereafter.

I had no idea that in nearly two years, I would give birth to our fifth child (even though we made sure we were done after four), and that a month after that, my husband of nearly 15 years would tell me that our relationship as husband and wife was over, and that he would move downstairs for now.

I did not know that in 10 days short of 3 years, the father of my children would move out of the home we customized together eight years ago, and find his own apartment...

...and that today, exactly 3 years to the day of finding out that Scott is gay, I would be mulling over how to split up our debt and finances so that we can begin working on our divorce.



Three years ago today, I was a very emotional and anxious person, extremely codependent on Scott. Today, I am much stronger emotionally and much more independent.

Three years ago, I was unhappy with my bishop and struggled attending church because of the anxiety I felt there. But I was conservative and believing, and continued to attend because it is what we Mormons do. Now, I am liberal and sometimes questioning and yet still believing, and I attend church because I want to, and the anxiety is gone for the most part.

Three years ago, I enjoyed spending time with neighbors and extended family. Now my brother will not talk to me or attempt to understand, the children next door are rarely allowed to play at our house, and my best friends in the whole world are all gay (or formerly married to someone that is.) These are only a few examples of the changes...



Do I wish things could be different? I think so. I used to think I had life and eternity figured out, that the bumps along the way in this institution called marriage could be handled, that divorce was a word that we would not allow to exist in our relationship ever, no matter what. We would always work through it.

Do I like the new person that I have become and am becoming? Definitely! Could I have become who I am another way? Probably, but who is to say it would be any easier?

Do I miss the way things used to be with friends and family? Yes, oh yes. The tears come harder now than at any other point of writing this post. But I also have new family and friends, many more than what I have lost, and I am so lucky to know them and be strengthened by them. Of course, if Scott had been straight, I would not have the new friends, but I also would not have known what I was missing...

But I guess more importantly, I would not have the opportunity to "see" as God and Christ see each of us. To see the grey amongst the black and white. To touch the lives of so many people, especially students, that I would not have reached out to otherwise.

Ok. Life is shitty, but life is good. And I am blessed. And although I cannot yet imagine what my life and eternity will look like, each day will be easier than the one before, and everything will be okay for all of us.

What will the next three years bring? At the very least my oldest child will be 18 and graduating from high school. Oh, my!

Unexpected Sadness

I haven't blogged for a long time, for two reasons, I think. One, I am too busy. And two, life has been pretty happy and peaceful, and the ideas I have had for blog posts have not been angsty enough to warrant the *need* to process in written form, (or sometimes I have processed through them by writing, but just in a note-pad on my phone during church, and then I've never gotten back to them to publish them.)

But here it is two in the morning, and I can't sleep and I can't stop crying, so I guess it is time to process. And then I will grade some trigonometry finals while I am up and there are no children to interrupt me! :)

The story begins ten years ago when two of Scott's siblings were married within a month-and-a-half of each other. The two weddings gave me the opportunity to compare and contrast the events and how I felt at each, since one of them was in the temple and one was not. I will never forget the difference in how I felt, and it was a significant moment for my testimony of the importance of the sealing ordinance.

Therefore, I was thrilled a month or so ago to discover that the one who was married in her in-laws' home was now making preparations to be sealed. I was very glad that I had my recommend so that I wouldn't be left out.

Then tonight at a family birthday/dinner party (or last night, I guess), my mother-in-law presented them with a gift--a porcelain replica of a temple--and then she pushed them to share their experience of the day before as they and their four children were sealed in the temple. It became the main topic of discussion, as it rightfully should have been! Everyone ran to the computer to see a photo that a friend had taken and put on Facebook of the six of them in white, hand in hand outside the temple.

At first I thought my feeling of disappointment was due to the fact that the event had been kept low-key, with only the two sets of parents and some close friends invited. It totally makes sense to do as they did, since the families are large, and people without recommends would be left out, and who do you invite and who do you not invite as not to hurt feelings, and the fact that they just wanted to keep it small because yes, it was important, but they did not want the pomp and circumstance to detract from that.

But then as the discussion continued, and everyone was so excited to hear the details, my sadness deepened. It wasn't just disappointment at not being invited, it was about me and MY marriage and MY eternity. I have been doing so well lately and thought I had mourned most of it out of my system, but apparently not. Eventually, the tears began to overflow, and I realized too late that we should have left sooner so that I could have kept them inside so as not to detract from the evening.

I briefly told my daughter what was wrong so that she wouldn't worry about me, but when Scott, concerned, tried to discover the source of my sadness on the way home and then again at home, I could not tell him. I could not share the pain with him. Not only would it make him sad that I am sad, but I'm also not sure if he understands anymore just how hard it is for me, when he has distanced himself so much from the church and the gospel, when he no longer believes what he once did about eternity and temple ordinances. He would try to sympathize to comfort me, but he would not be able to empathize, and that--the loss of his testimony--just makes it all the more painful.

And so I mourn a loss, while trying hard to find the hope I have had so many times, the faith that God knows all things, and that everything will work out for the best for him and me and our family. I know God brought us together in the first place and confirmed that we should marry. So he must have a plan for us. And I just need to endure and be patient to find out the end of my story...

In God's Hands

Testimony meeting today focused on baptism and basic gospel principles, gratitude for the gospel and temple. We had a convert baptism yesterday, confirmation today. There was also a family in the ward that baptized a child yesterday.

I left the chapel right after the sacrament to go to the "mother's" room to feed the baby. It was the perfect seat for the meeting: a cushy rocker, Sebastian snuggled against me asleep, no other children to distract me, clear sound from the microphone piped into the room. The words of each testimony touched me and lifted me up.

My current bishop spoke of a time when he was not active, of leaders coming to his home and inviting him to church. He had attended as a child, but then he wanted nothing to do with it. A miracle occurred, and he suddenly saw the light that everyone was trying to tell him of, that he had never seen before. And somehow everything came together and made sense and had to be true. And now he rejoices in seeing others find that same light and truth.

The stake patriarch (our bishop when we first moved in this ward) spoke of spending the day in the temple yesterday, filling gaps in his and his wife's families (aka sealings) that should have been done long ago. He spoke of a temple worker that said Satan likes to see us worrying. We will do much better if we can stop worrying and put everything in God's hands and have faith that things will work out.

Many spoke of Gods love, how he loves each of us so much individually. He is aware of our struggles and everything going on in our lives. He loves us no matter what we've done or where we are in our journeys.

A child spoke of attending a friend's baptism yesterday. I thought about the child. He is usually happy and always helpful. My boys and nephew walk home from school with him. When I pick them up, while my boys are fighting over who gets to sit where, this child gives up his seat to make someone else happy. When my nephew was having a bad day and decided to walk, this neighbor child volunteered to walk with him to let him through the shortcut in his yard. He carried the nephew's science fair project home for him this past week. At age 9, he is an amazing example of kindness and service.

My heart is full of gratitude today for my neighbors and friends in our ward. Not all of them handled Scott's coming out very well. But they are inherently good people, and I think many of them have learned from the experience with Scott and are better because of it.

In Sunday school we talked about Christ's example and teachings about loving and serving others.

We discussed how God works with bad things in our lives to make us or our circumstances actually better in the long run, whether the bad things are results of our choices or just things that happen.

The bishop commented about how far ahead he thought he would be if he had come back to church sooner. But we discussed how having that experience made him the understanding man that he is, because he's been there.

My brother and his wife went through a tough time a few years back, and they are struggling with their children now, which I feel is at least somewhat a result of the other thing. But my sister-in-law says that she now has the husband she had always wanted as a result of their trial.

Days like today make me feel like there is hope that someday Scott will come back to  the church and/or me and our marriage. I've told him that, and he cannot see that ever happening. I mentioned it to one of our friends, and he also became concerned that I was putting hope in something that is very unlikely. But for some reason, the spirit keeps putting it in my head, whether for some sort of comfort that I need right now (and that my children need), or because God knows all things from beginning to end.

All I can do is remember that my life is in God's hands, and that He will help me make the best of what I've got.

I've been dreading the upcoming holiday, "single-awareness day," some call it. But I am trying to think of it as "children appreciation day," and I'm working on obtaining the perfect gift for each of them. I love to doorbell-ditch gifts for them on the porch, the same way my mother did for me. Maybe I will take them all to dinner, too. The spaghetti factory would be great. And since it's Monday, and Scott has not yet found his special someone with whom to share the day, maybe he will join us, and it will be perfect.

I made a wish list before Christmas, and one item was a "mother's ring" to replace my wedding ring. So that is what Scott gave me for my birthday last month. It required resizing, and I just got it back yesterday, so today is the first day I've been able to enjoy wearing it. I found myself staring at it at church, showing it to some of my friends (same way I did with my engagement ring almost 16 years ago), and while doing so feeling extremely grateful for my five precious children, and so many other incredible blessings in my life.

Rumors

Scott and I debated about whether or not to include a "newsletter" with our Christmas card this year. One thing was for sure though--if we did write a letter, we wanted to be completely honest with our friends and family.

As December arrived, I started to play around with words on paper. I came up with a letter I was comfortable with, and then I forwarded it to Scott for editing.

I was only slightly nervous the morning I dropped them in the mail, to aunts and uncles, college roommates and friends from high school, to people from our ward who have moved away, and to Scott's mission president. But I thought it best not to beat around the bush, to prevent rumors and hearsay and just let the truth be known, to prevent awkward excuses or conversations at future reunions.

Instead, I have now heard from a man in the ward, who talked to Scott's step-cousin who heard from his parents about our letter, and I probably have just fanned the flames of the rumor mill instead of calming them. :D I wonder if our parents have received concerned phone calls from any of their sibblings. If so, I wonder what they are saying. Even though I wonder, I honestly don't want to know. I will let them be awkward. It could be good for them!

We also received an interesting letter from Scott's mission president, saying that the only reason a marriage falls appart is if one of the spouses is sinning, and so that spouse should confess and repent.

Anyway, for those of you who are not lucky enough to have received a Christmas card from us, here are the important parts of the letter. Enjoy!

Every year brings many adventures, and 2010 has definitely been no exception. In fact, Sarah's motto this year coincides with this year's Young Women's Theme in Joshua 1:9. "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

The most significant event of the year was the birth of baby Sebastian on June 28. He is our pride and joy, and all of his siblings spoil him terribly as none of them can ever handle hearing him cry. In fact, they might cry collectively more than he does as their fights over him often end in tears. Mom and Dad definitely appreciate all of the help, especially when it comes to diaper changes and babysitting (for those much needed nights out).

(The letter proceeds to talk a little bit about each of the other four children.)
 

The toughest adventure has been the "separation" of Scott and Sarah. For now, they continue to live in the same house, (and plan to continue to do so indefinitely while they raise the children) and they remain good friends. In fact, if you were to peek in at our family at a random time, chances are things would appear no different than they've always been.
 
Scott continues to work for ______________, where his focus has changed from IT to graphic design and marketing. He is dating occasionally, and hopes to eventually find a new life partner to share his heart and dreams with.
 
Sarah continues to enjoy teaching math full time at _________ High School, supervising the RAIN club (the school's gay-straight alliance, "Rising Against Intolerance Now"), and spending the rest of her hours, both day and night, with her five greatest blessings (the children). She is not anxious to play the dating game and does not plan to date in the near future—unless she happens to stumble across a (straight) man who sweeps her off her feet.

We are aware of and ever grateful for the prayers that are uttered in our behalf. It's difficult to imagine what this year would have been like without the support and love of family and friends, and without the love and atonement of our Savior, whose birth we celebrate at this time of year.

Without a doubt, many more adventures await us in the coming year. We hope this greeting finds you happy and healthy, and blessed with faith and hope and the support of angels as you face your own adventures with strength and courage.

Merry Christmas!

Love

It has been a long time since I posted, simply because life is so busy.

But a short but touching conversation on Facebook ensued today, and now that I am between doing grades and preparing for a (hopefully) relaxing weekend, I want to post it.

Friend 1:

I came across this quote today and I could relate so much ha! :

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love" - Neil Gaiman

Friend 2:

Love is overrated, yet I can't get enough of it. Now, that I think about it, it's not that much different than Fettucine Alfredo with clams.

Me:

Wow. That quote is perfect to what I am feeling regarding my relationship with Scott. I am so not anxious to try it again.

Friend 3:

Oh, how much I enjoy Neil Gaiman. Believe it or not, that's from a comic book.

Friend 4:

I have to disagree. Love is wonderful. Love is ennobling and uplifting. Love makes you strive to be better and bless the life of another person. Love is beautiful.

Friend 5:

He is right, love can be beautiful. What Neil is talking about is "unrequited love" which is another thing entirely. And the hard part, as Sarah's situation so achingly exemplifies, is loving a person so completely that you are willing to take the hurt, the pain, the humiliation while everyone else watches you---and sometimes while NO ONE knows--- and keep plodding along. Even though inside you feel like you're being ripped apart, but for love of that person you take it, calmly, patiently, with some hope that one day he or she will understand what you have done for him/her. Even walking away from someone you love can be an act of love, if you know it will make that person happy to be free to find another . . .

I could not have put it better myself. I am grateful for good friends that can help me feel--and understand what I feel.

Tough night...tough life

It was supposed to be glorious. My son, of everyone, was most excited for me to have my recommend.

So we made plans. Temple across the valley from our home where Scott's parents work in the baptistry. Joseph Smith's birthday, the Christmas season upon us. Done with school yesterday, fun shopping with son to buy him a new suit this morning, massage this afternoon, perfect ending to a pretty good day. My sister and her kids joining us for the adventure.

Then...there's the traffic of last minute shoppers and it's dark and i don't know where I'm going. The fog thickens as we climb elevation, the windshield either speckled with moisture or streaked from the wipers and impossible to see through. Finally, we arrive in one piece. And then...

I forgot to check the date on my son's recommend. It is his first recommend--he's not ever had to think about expiration dates. What 13-year-old does? And it was in my possession--he didn't even have it if he did know to think about checking the date.

It expired at the end of November.

And I have no one to blame but myself.

At least he looks amazing in his new clothes, clear down to his shoes. And I've already made an appointment for him for a new recommend on Sunday. (Got in trouble with the temple worker at the desk for using my cell phone to call the executive secretary.)

Shucks.

And then my tears start to fall, and fall, and don't stop. Why didn't the spirit remind me about the expiration date? It didn't even enter my head? Why don't I feel peaceful and calm now that I'm here? Isn't that how I'm supposed to feel at the temple? I should be able to handle this with grace. I'm stronger than this. It is totally my own fault--not the temple workers' for enforcing the rules. But why do I feel resentment toward them? Why do I just want to swear? Why do I hate that they smile as they explain to my son that they are sorry, but there are no exceptions? Why am I so uncomfortable here, like I don't belong here, like I'm not good enough.

And then...why me? It was supposed to be for eternity...my marriage...my family. Why did all this have to happen, with Scott not here to comfort me, the one to drive through the fog or the one to remember to check on the expiration date?

And now I lay here in my bed hours later.

And I continue to cry. Scott agreed to take the baby for the night so I can try to get some sleep for once. He is a good man, a good friend and dad. He treats me like he loves me, and I know he does. My pain becomes his pain, but that doesn't change who he is--doesn't change his ability to be something he's not and believe or feel things that he doesn't.

FML.

Being me

I want Scott to be happy.

When he gets stood up or comes home from the club feeling ignored and undesirable, I really do feel sad with him.

But I also have a twinge of hope that he might finally decide that having me desire him is good enough.

When he comes home from a date happy and is excited about a second date or enjoying a chat with someone he likes, I am happy for him. I want to know more. Like roommates in college, I want the nitty gritty details. At least I think I do.

But he says nothing. So then I ask him questions (nothing too personal: what's his name, how old is he, what's his job, etc.), but his answers are short and to the point, which is normal for Scott.

So finally I am brave and say, "Talk to me like I'm your friend instead of your wife-type-person. Do you like him? Does he like you?" And so we start to talk like friends. But then the "I love you and desire you and miss the intimate part of our marriage" side of me--you know, the jealous bitch--kicks in gear, and instead of asking all the questions I thought I wanted  to know, I force back signs of emotion (although I'm certain Scott knows me well enough to recognize it), I change the subject, say goodnight and then snuggle my 5 year old while I cry a bit. I'm sure this reaction is totally normal, completely to be expected.

But I want to be better than normal.

I want to want him to be happy.

I really think I do.

But there's this selfish part of me that won't let go, that clings to our patriarchal blessings and to the hope that he might discover the grass isn't necessarily greener and will come back to me.

But then I ask myself why. I think of things about him that drive me crazy, that I would gladly be rid of.

But then I think of all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place, and a lot of them are still part of who he is.

And I don't know what to do.

At least these moments of confusion are fleeting. Life is good. Work is good. Scott is very good to me and the kids. Most of the time we get along great, and as my daughter told my mother, as long as Scott and I are not fighting, life feels pretty normal...

...at least for the kids.

And that's something to be grateful for.

But I wonder if we will ever be able to be just best friends.

Glee

I realize that I said I would cover the topic of happiness in an upcoming post. I think I will still do that. Hopefully soon.

But for now, we just got around to watching this week's episode of Glee.

And all I can say is that I don't really feel very gleeful. In fact, I feel a lot like Mr. Schuster, who wants someone that does not want him in return. And it's not really his fault (even though he makes his best effort to win her back--Scott can attest that I did the same thing for a while) and it is not really her fault. It just is.

But the look on his face as he watches her drive off with Carl is a look that I completely understand and relate to, and wish I didn't.

It has been easy to forget about it with the busyness of life; with Scott and I both working together to balance everything with work and the kids. With family outings and birthday parties for the kids and Primary Programs at church, with Scott making my lunch on days when I am running behind, or staying up late to help me grade Geometry tests. Most of the time it feels just like it has for the last 15 years. And I'm used to sleeping alone now and it is just part of the routine for Scott to leave and meet up with friends in the evening a few times a week.

But there are moments when I remember everything and long for how it used to be, and it is agony.

Just Friends?

(I started this post a long time ago, when Scott posted something that prompted the questions. Blogging is difficult because I get an idea in my head, but then I get interrupted by life (children, work, etc.) and by the time I get back to the blog post, I've forgotten what I really wanted to say. Bother.)

 What makes a friend a true friend? And what, exactly, is a best friend? How does someone have or find a best friend? Should someone who is trying to be a best friend with someone else expect certain things, or rather just selflessly accept and give and love?

Is it ever okay for a friend to finally lash out and say how they feel, even if it hurts the other person? Especially when the main intent was to let the friend know that she just wants him to be happy? My reaction backfired, as some of you might have noticed on Scott's blog this week (he has since removed his post and my comment--I had already told him most of it in person, so it was probably inappropriate to write it out on a public forum.) But when I told his little sister (who also has an incredible amount of love for him and wants him to be happy) about what I wrote, she was proud of me for standing up for myself and saying what needed to be said.

Scott and I took a little break from the kids last night to go to dinner.  Scott asked if it would be okay if he ordered a "drink" with dinner. I told him yes, but I was already upset about something else we had just been discussing (some money he spent despite our tight budget), so the tone in my voice did not make my "yes" very believable. And then I followed it with if he did, I would prefer to be the one to drive us back home. In an attempt to smooth things over a little, I realized and shared that if my dinner companion had been a non-member friend from work, I don't think I would have any problem with them ordering a drink, and I didn't know what made the difference...

Why? What does make the difference? How do I accept Scott for who he is now? How do I get past the "Why is he doing this?" and just love and accept him, all of him, like a true friend would? I've always said he was my best friend in addition to my husband. Now I would call him a friend, a roommate, the father of my children. But he says he wants us to be "best friends" and we are definitely not that any more, at least not what I would consider as a best friend.

How do we proceed? How do we get past all of the baggage and truly be best friends again? What do each of us need to do individually to make this happen?

Anniversary

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary.

I was handling it well (which means forgetting about it and focussing on work and getting ready for school to start next week.) Then I came home from work and found an anniversary card from my parents in the mail. I called my dad to thank him, and he asked if we were going to go to dinner to celebrate. I told him no, that Scott and the older kids had gone to lagoon.(When and how am I going to be able to tell my parents?)

Then I was depressed.

I think somewhere in the back of my mind a year or two ago, I imagined that we would have the money and the kids would be old enough for us to leave them to go on our first romantic cruise to celebrate.

Three strikes against that happening.

Instead, we celebrated, or maybe just commemorated, a couple of days ago by going out for dinner and a movie.

It was nice, but awkward. Scott thought I hated the movie. Meanwhile, I didn't know how to act because I don't know where the boundaries are with us physically any more, so I am afraid to hold his hand or lean on his shoulder for fear of making him uncomfortable or anxious, afraid that he will have another panic attack at the thought of having to remind me that he needs the romantic and emotional side of our relationship to be over. 

At the movie, the armrest was already up between us, leaving the space open for comfortable cuddling, a benefit we didn't have when we were dating and held hands or snuggled uncomfortably across the arm rest. But neither of us put the arm rest down, nor did we cross over the space. I was painfully aware of the situation, which I guess Scott interpreted as me disliking the movie.

How do two people who are trying to be "just friends" successfully celebrate a wedding anniversary?

He came out to me 2 years (and one month) ago, and my initial reaction was worrying that our marriage and/or romantic and intimate relationship were over.

But within a few months, our marriage was stronger than it had ever been. If anyone could make a MOM work, we could...or so I thought.

Seven months ago he told me that he couldn't do this for the rest of his life; that he had to know what it really felt like to love someone, someone he could be emotionally and physically attracted to.

Three weeks ago he sent me an email telling me he was emotionally stretched too thin, trying to keep a relationship with me while looking for another relationship. He didn't want to "lead me on" with something he couldn't do any more. He started sleeping downstairs. He has completely detached himself emotionally from me. But since then, he has been happier and more "here" for the family than he has been for a while. I have really enjoyed time we have spent together with the children since then. He has been upbeat and helpful, instead of sluggish and withdrawn.

Obviously I have my moments, but my strength and attitude have really surprised me. I honestly laugh more than I cry, I think. My children are everything to me. Sometimes I feel very alone, but I never am. I always have my sweet little boys to snuggle with. And I'm sure there are other loved ones close by watching over me. 

So, I guess I need to stop of thinking of today as the anniversary of our marriage, but instead remember it as the anniversary of starting our beautiful family. And that is a happy thought to cling to.

The Couch

There have been several times that one of us has slept on the couch over the past 15 years. Usually the one that was upset would head to the couch, but generally would then come back to the bed after waking up partway through and realizing that sleeping in a comfortable place is more important than holding a grudge. Scott and I always thought that the marital advice to never go to bed angry was silly, since it is so much easier to work through things the next morning when we had both had some rest and could think rationally.

More recently, the couch has been used when our 5-year-old wet our bed, or this past week when I have quickly whisked the baby to the living room when he began to cry so that he would not wake up Scott and keep him from getting the sleep he needs to deal with his current stress at work. 

But tonight, it is so much harder to deal with him sleeping on the couch, knowing he intends to never sleep in the same bed with me again.

Normally I would have my kids clamoring to share the bed with me, but they are all asleep for once, and so I lie here alone, wondering why me.

So many blog posts in my head. So lost.  Don't have any idea how to sort through it all.

Must sleep, knowing that when I wake up in a couple of hours to feed the baby, that it was not just a nightmare, but my life.

God, please keep on helping me. I'm trying to have faith. I have been much stronger than I ever thought I could be, but I don't know if I can keep going.

"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

How can things change so fast?

16 years ago...

I love you with all my heart. I want to spend the rest of eternity with you. I want to be able to take you to the temple. I want you to be the one who, as stated in my patriarchal blessing, I will have the privilege of calling forth from the grave on the morning of the first resurrection. I pray that I will be able to use that love and that desire to motivate me to make these next 10 months the best I can, so I will be worthy to ask you to be mine forever.

15 years ago...

...I love you with all my heart, and though I wouldn't dare say anything is definite, I do look forward to sometime next summer when I can look across an alter into your eyes and know that I am yours and you are mine for eternity. I long for and look forward to that day...

Today...

I still believe it would be grand to spend eternity in the company of my family, but I'm no longer certain that I want the sort of relationship with them that the church tells me I could have (that is, I would much prefer to be eternally best friends with Sarah than eternaly married to her--and I hope she doesn't find it too hurtful for me to be so blunt about it). I want to find someone who I can love entirely and completely, and I hope and believe that I might spend forever with him once I've found him.

Sunday the lesson in Relief Society was on the Priesthood.  The oldest class in Young Womens joined us for the lesson, and the instructor said something to the effect of, "It is so important that you young women date and seek a companion that honors his Priesthood and can take you to the temple."

I refrain from ever commenting in Relief Society any more, but I did have the fleeting thought, "I lot of good that did me."


Yes, I am really struggling right now and have become a little bitter about my life, but I am trying to have faith that someday I will look back and understand it, and be grateful for it. I am watching myself grow stronger and more independent every day. I am learning to cherish my children more and more, including my precious baby that is entirely dependent on me. I am trying to appreciate the efforts Scott does make as husband and father, enjoy the moments I have with him, and I so wish that I could make his frustrations at work go away so that his life could be more calm and happy.


Maybe, just maybe, then my life could also be more calm and happy. Or maybe it is what it is, and I must continue to find the calm and happiness in the middle of a storm. Some days are easier than others, and maybe it will be easier to find as time goes on and I learn to accept my life for what it is.

Never want to be Alone

Scott and I had a crazy night last night. I was up late grading papers for midterms, so Scott put a movie on for us to watch while I did so. Meanwhile, our 4-year-old had fallen asleep early, so I put him on our bed so that the other kids wouldn't wake him. When we finally headed to bed a bit after midnight, Scott discovered that the cute child had had an accident, and it had soaked all the way through, making even the mattress a bit damp. He stripped the bed, I changed the child, and then he found some extra blankets for us to use, him on the couch, while I chose just to sleep on the dry side of the bed.

I have such a hard time getting to sleep when I am alone in bed. While Scott was gone to CA, I had the two boys sleep with me. Even though they were wiggly, I still slept better than I did last night by myself. At least it was easier to get to sleep.

...sigh...

I don't ever want to be alone. I remember a few years ago, before my last grandparent passed away, thinking about how alone she had been for a few years, and hoping that I would not have to go through that. But my grandparents all lived to be older than Scott's grandparents, so genetically, chances are I would be the one to live longer, and it really scared me.

Now I face the issue 50-60 years before I expected to. I guess it is different, since he is still alive and I am young and healthy and able to take care of myself (at least when I'm not pregnant...), but I'm not sure that makes it seem any easier.

Those of you who read my private blog know that Scott and I went to a therapist from LDS family services a couple of weeks ago, and that after she got some answers out of Scott, she said "Are you going to wait until the baby comes before you take care of the legal side of things?" meaning that in her opinion, divorce is inevitable; Scott's mind is made up, and though it will be difficult, she said it would be easier than letting it draw out over a slow, gradual, painful process.

I have clung to the hope that we could make another option work, even though I've known it would be harder in a lot of ways. In response to Scott's recent (secret) blog post, he has received some emails and advice from others who have been through this, recommending that a clean break/separation/divorce is what will be best for all of us, and he has tried to help me understand why that would be best, claiming that as long as he is even partially filling the "husband spot" in my life, that I will refuse to look for someone else that can truly make me happy in every aspect of my life.

My extremely emotional reaction to his suggestion resulted in him finally being willing (I think) to put this particular conversation off for a couple of months (when hopefully my hormones and emotions might be a bit more under control). But of course my thoughts are now planning and preparing for what seems to be inevitable.

I ponder even the tiniest changes that are coming in my future. Take the decor in our home, for example. My plans for an "ancestor" wall in the hallway. We never have printed and put up photos of his family, but they are still my children's ancestors. And what about family photos? They are still our kids with their mom and dad that love each other.

More difficult is decor in the master bedroom and bath, which include a Snow White and Prince Charming theme everywhere you look. There are two cross-stitch wall hangings, one with the temple, one with the previously mentioned Disney couple, both with our names and marriage/sealing date.

They are things I can't throw away; family spent a lot of time making them for us. But when it comes time to make a "clean break", they can't stay on the wall, either, I suppose. What do I do with them? Store them in the basement where someday they will stir up heart-wrenching feelings for me or our children?

Here I am crying over wall hangings--what a little thing to consider when so much else is at stake.

Scott believes that the spirit has testified to him that his gayness is eternal. Other people believe that in the next life they will be straight. Any current teachings from the church confirm that belief. I have not felt strongly one way or the other. Anyway, I told Scott a while ago that even if we divorce, I want our temple sealing left intact, just in case he is willing to someday take me back for eternity. But how can that work out if I let myself fall in love with someone else?

Somehow this all makes me think of a Nickelback song that has been on the radio a lot recently.  Many of the words reflect how I feel about everything. "And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands 'Cause forever I believe That there's nothing I could need but you." 

 Meanwhile, I wish that the chorus could be the way that he feels, but he doesn't, and I can't do anything about it. "You're never gonna be alone from this moment on. If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall. When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on. We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone."

Scott, is there no chance whatsoever that you will ever change your mind? You've done that about a lot of things through the years, purchases and business ventures that you think will solve all of your problems and make you happier, and then you discover that it wasn't what you thought it would be after a while...part of me wonders (hopes?) that this will turn out the same, so I want to stick around in case you decide you want me back. Does that make any sense?

But I will continue to be strong, enduring 9 more weeks of physical misery, hoping that somehow I will be able to endure what comes next; that the spirit that comes with having a new baby in our home will give me strength and peace. I recently read this quote about courage:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." Ambrose Redmoon

Here are the entire lyrics for the song. I will put the song itself in my playlist later...

Never Gonna Be Alone
Songwriters: Kroeger, Chad; Lange, Mutt;

Time, is going by, so much faster than I
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of here with you
Now I'm wondering why I've kept this bottled inside
So I'm starting to regret not selling all of it to you
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
You're never gonna be alone, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

And now, as long as I can, I'm holding on with both hands
'Cause forever I believe
That there's nothing I could need but you
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

Oh, you've gotta live every single day
Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Don't let it slip away, could be our only one
You know it's only just begun, every single day
Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
Tomorrow never comes

Time is going by so much faster than I
And I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on
We're gonna see the world out, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone

I'm gonna be there always
I won't be missing a word all day
I'm gonna be there always
I won't be missing a word all day

Love is the answer

Sorry this post has been so long in coming...it is about the day I started back to church after a month off, March 21,2010. My goal was to stay the whole time (whether I went to my classes or not) so that my kids would stay.


As I took a shower that morning, I found myself actually looking forward to going, not dreading or nervous for it like I had been for the weeks and months previous to my break.

The kids of course had taken a bit of a break, too, so it was somewhat a struggle to get them up and going.


I turned on "Music and the spoken word" to play in the background while we got ready. I wasn't really paying attention until Lloyd Newel began one of his final message on the program. It was about delighting in the happiness and success of others, even if that success sometimes comes at the cost of our own. An example was shared of a high school girl who called another one to congratulate her for being the valedictorian of their class. The girl who called was second place, and there was only one valedictorian. Instead of mourning her own loss, she rejoiced in the other girl's success.

***

I really enjoyed Sacrament Meeting. The speakers consisted of two sisters from new part of ward. I don't know anything about their current situations with their spouses, but if they have spouses, they weren't there speaking with them.

The first spoke mostly of her life, her childhood, her siblings, her participation in the Hill Cumorah pagent. Her mission call, which she ended up trading for marriage in the SL temple, her 5 children, sadness in her life losing her dad, then losing her mom. She spoke of each of her 5 children, what they are all doing now. She then added something about their family now being a little bit broken, but how they are still an eternal family. While she was speaking, I felt impressed that I should get to know her better.


The text for the second speaker's talk came from President Eyring in last October's conference, from his talk "Our Perfect Example". Here are Some of the main things I remember, that impressed me the most:

Words from the primary song "I'm Trying to be like Jesus."

"...I'm trying to love as he did in all that I do and say....Love one another as Jesus love you, try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught."

Elder Eyring's message was a simple one of love, "Love is the motivating principle by which the Lord leads us along the way towards becoming like Him [the Savior], our perfect example...Love of others is at the heart of our capacity to obey Him."

"The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own."

As she continued to speak about his talk, the words clicked for me and how I should handle the stresses of my life right now. Instead of being frustrated and swayed by others telling me how selfish Scott appears to be, I felt strongly that I just need to love him, and try putting his happiness above my own, even though it seems to many that I shouldn't have to. Don't the scriptures tell us to work on improving ourselves before telling others how they should improve?

Elder Eyring mentions the inscription on a gravestone at a cemetery near his home that says, "Please, no empty chairs." He points out the word "please" and how we Can't force anyone's choices.

I loved his council to husbands and wives, and the words filled my heart with peace: "Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion's joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."

He continues to give advice to parents, to children, to those who have adopted other people's families as if they were their own. I thought of our many friends, friends that we are currently closer to than to our own extended families, my love for them, my excitement for them as they find love and make plans to "marry", or at least in Utah, to "commit" to each other. Is the love I feel for them not the same Christ-like love that this whole talk is about?

His final message in the talk: "I hope you will go out today looking for opportunities to do as He did and to love as He loves. I can promise you the peace that you felt as a child will come to you often and it will linger with you. The promise is true that He made to His disciples: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you." (John 14:27)"

So, if I pray for love, love like the Savior, and put the happiness of my spouse above my own, I will find peace? That is my interpretation, and it sounds like a good plan to me. I seem to remember the speaker mentioning a line from the talk that says Some of us are blessed with love that grows when we need it the most. I have faith that I can be blessed with the love I need right now to get through everything.

***

Following Sacrament meeting, I walked my children to their classes, and then I saw the lady who had spoken first. We had a heartfelt conversation as I learned a bit more about her situation, and I told her a bit about my struggles. We embraced, and I realized that there are a lot of people in the ward that I don't even really know yet that have a lot to offer to me and my family. I hope opportunities will come for me to get to know them better.

I proceeded outside to the back lawn. The weather was gorgeous, sunny and warm with a slight breeze. I had snacks to nibble on and a new book to read...

...and now the story of the book...

A few days earlier, I received an email at school. The time on the email was 1:30 a.m. I got the impression it was from a parent, but it didn't say much. All it said was "Please call me at your earliest convenience" and then included a name and phone number. Based on my experience with parents last year, I was nervous that somehow information about my personal life or views had ticked someone off again, although I have been really careful this year not to talk to my classes and students about it. Still, I knew there were rumors circulating from the year before.

Following my two classes that morning, at the beginning of my lunch, I called the number. The man who answered was very friendly and excited that I had called him back, he made sure that I had some time to talk (that I wasn't in the middle of a class or anything) and then he became awkward as he told me that he was the father of one of my students, that he had given me a fake name to protect his daughter's identity because she begged him not to talk to me, that his daughter had told him I was going through some personal struggles, and that he was embarrassed to talk to me about it because he didn't know if it was true or not, but that he could not sleep the night before thinking about me and the possibility of what I was going through.

He then shared with me that he has had homosexual feelings, and that decisions he made previously in his life were really hard on his wife and children. But he found his way back, and he wrote a book about his experience that he wanted to share with me, and that his main message to me was that no matter what happens, no matter what decisions my husband makes, I will be okay. Everything will be okay. I can call and talk to him or his wife any time. "Can I bring you the book? You are in room number ###. right?"

I cried as he spoke, then I went to lunch, in awe of what appeared to be God's tender mercies and this time a parent that was going to be an angel of sorts rather than a trial like last year.

At the beginning of my next class, I was wandering the classroom, collecting papers and helping students with the starting activity when I realized someone peaking in the door. This man and his wife were there with a book and a vase of flowers. They both hugged me and reminded me that I would be okay and that I could call them any time. There was a sweet spirit in their presence--one of love and deep concern, not of judgement or advice or anything like that.

Thus I had this book, and I finally had time to start reading it. I read a few full chapters, then skimmed, and read some more. It didn't take long for me to realize that I disagree with this man in a lot of ways, mainly with the last chapter and gay-rights issues. But it didn't bother me, because the tone of the book was wonderful. It was not preachy, but rather just as he says on the back cover: "Although the solutions for each person who is sruggling with unwanted behaviors will be different, my hope is that my story will encourage you to never give up, always dream and contemplate what seems impossible, and continue to seek solutions to life's most difficult challeges."

Another thing I really liked about it is that even though he is LDS, he does not mention it. He talks about his religion and how it influenced his struggles, both in the guilt he felt and in having God's help with the decisions he eventually made, but the denomination of the church itself was never mentioned.

I want to share a few quotes from the book about his wife, for they are what touched me the most...

From the dedication of the book, which is dedicated to his wife, he says...

"I dedicate this book to my beautiful wife. She has walked this long journey with me for many years...Her only concern has been what is best for me. My sincere wish for the world is that all people could have a spouse (or family members) as understanding, compassionate, and who posses the ability to love unconditionally as my sweet wife has been able to do."

"My sweet companion willingly stepped back and allowed me to make my own decisions in this journey we call life. She has always accepted the fact that this was a risk and that there were no guarantees. She just did it. And now, we are reaping the rewards of her unconditional dedication, loyalty and love."

Later in the book he says, "In the forthcoming years, she had some very difficult days and seemingly insurmountable decisions to make."

He quotes from her journal, "I am very sad at this time. I have been married for many years and have two marvelous children, and I have a great husband, but he has a problem...He is a great father for our children, but as a husband he is making decisions that are destroying our marriage. At this time he is only thinking of himself and what he wants without thinking of the damage he is causing me and the children. I love [him] ... but I don't know to what point I can endure this. This is very difficult for me! I am very sad and I think a lot about him. I know I need to remain calm, just live my life and be strong for my children. I pray that the Lord would bless him with His spirit that as he decides what to do, he might be able to remember the pain I am feeling. I hope he is able to put more emphasis on the most important thing, our family."

The following quotes come from a chapter titled "Love and its incredible power"

"As I felt the power of my wife's unconditional love, I was then able to begin to express myself and figure out what was happening within my mind...my sweet wife naturally comes with a very unconditional loving heart...she repeatedly forgave me each time I failed. "Hatred tears down, but understanding builds up" (Howard W. Hunter).

"My wife was able to work through the hatred she felt for my situation, and began to understand my pain. By so doing, we were able to find enough strength to focus on commonalities instead of the differences we felt. Because we were both willing to discuss the issues and never stop trying to figure out the huge puzzle, we ultimately were able to turn this very negative situation into a very positive success story."

Now that I read over these quotes again, a month later, I wonder if I am placing too much hope in them. It still feels right, however, to focus on loving him and rejoicing in his happiness, rather than getting angry and throwing him out so that I don't have to deal with it any more.

I have shared a bit about our situation with three friends (staff members) at school. Two of them immediately reacted with how selfish Scott is. So I was afraid to tell the third. She knew I was avoiding talking to her about it. When I finally did, though, I included telling her about the parents and the book they brought to me. She became emotional and told me that she felt like I was taking the right path with the situation, although not the easy one.

I have felt bad that it has taken me so long to write this post, but it has been good for me to mingle the memories of the peace that this Sabath day in March brought to me with the mixture of other emotions I have been feeling over the last month--sadness, anger, frustration, depression. I am sure that things will continue to feel like a rollar coaster for a long time, especially for the next couple of months until the baby comes. But I need to remember this post and these feelings and allow peace to fill my heart. Not an easy task at all, I must say. But maybe, just maybe, within the realm of possibility.

Flying Solo

Because of the baby coming this summer, we figured that a family vacation would most likely be out of the question, so we decided to plan a trip for Easter weekend, when the kids and I had several days off from work and school.

As the time for the trip neared, I began to worry about our plans for several reasons. First, my pregnancy symptoms could only be worse from a long ride in the car, and then when we were at our destination, I would only slow and limit what the rest of the family could do while we were there, especially since we were going to meet up with some friends. Second, we were having a hard time finding a place to stay for a reasonable price for a family of 6, and right now, finances are definitely an issue. Third, I discovered that my dad would be having open heart surgery in the near future, and I was afraid that it could possibly fall during the time we planned to be away.

As I suggested that I and possibly at least our youngest child should stay home and send the rest of the family on the planned trip, Scott seemed shocked. It made me feel good that he thought it would be weird for me to not be there, and he was not sure he wanted to be away from me for that long.

Besides, I suggested, it could be a good trial "separation" for our marriage for a few days. Scott seemed to agree. So very soon, the possibility seemed reasonable, and plans began to be made for the two oldest children to vacation with their dad while I and the youngest two would relax and celebrate Easter from home.

Here are some observations:

1.  It is more difficult to sleep with a 4 year old and 9 year old in my bed with me. :) Although I still think it was preferable to sleeping by myself.

2.  I am just as miserably pregnant with or without Scott around.

3. I have some wonderful gay friends and I feel incredibly blessed to have them in my life and to feel their true love for me and the kids.  Over two evenings in a row they fixed us dinner one night and colored Easter eggs with us, then the next night made and frosted sugar cookies, and enjoyed my deviled eggs, claiming they were the best.

4. Scott's emotional attachment to me has always been less than mine to him, but still it hurt a bit the first night when I sent him a text saying "I miss you" and he wrote back "I know" instead of "I miss you too." I don't know why I let it bug me, though, since it has always been that way with us. I guess I am hypersensitive to anything that has anything to do with our relationship right now. :(

5. I knew it would be hard, and I am not suprised that each of the first 3 days I had meltdown moments when I just sobbed and said horrible things to myself. But I'm pretty sure that they all happened when I needed to eat, and instead of eating I just sat and felt sorry for myself that there was no one around to fix me some food. Boy do I take Scott for granted.

6. I am suprised at how strong I really have been, despite the meltdowns. In the past I would have panic attacks from being essentially by myself for even one day, let alone several. Depression off and on, yes. Panic attacks and anxiety, no, not really.

I guess I could get used to this if I had to, but I don't want to.

I wonder what Scott's observations would be? Actually, maybe I don't want to know. Being away from whiny me and rowdy boys for a few days has probably been heaven!

I wonder...

In Scott's latest post, he lists many things that could help contribute to a successful mixed orientation marriage. At one point he discusses religion, and how if a man believes that his religion is correct in their teaching that homosexual relations are a sin, then that might give him motivation to endure and stick with a mixed-orientation marriage, for his eternal salvation if nothing else.

But if somehow his belief changes and he comes to the conclusion that it is not a sin, that God will love him just as much if he follows his heart and finds true love for himself, then enduring the MOM is not possible any more.

I know that he was studying this subject and praying about it fervently even before we had any run-ins with our church leaders, from the time he began to come to terms with everything 2 or so years ago. So I guess that answers the question I was going to pose here...

If our former bishop and stake president had been more accepting and loving and less judgmental, then would Scott have been more likely to stay in the church and in the MOM? Or did our leaders just expedite the process that was going to happen anyway? So then, did God allow our leaders to act this way so that the process would go faster? And, where does God think a new baby fits into all of this?

I am mostly just curious as I am trying to have faith. I was listening to some LDS music today to help calm my emotions, and a song I have mentioned before from the Women at the Well album came on my iPhone. The song speaks of how Jesus came too late to keep Lazarus from dying, and how sad his sisters were, and frustrated that the Lord was not there in time. But then instead, He raises Lazarus from the dead, and it has a much larger impact than it would have had He been there to prevent his death in the first place.

I am not patient enough to wait and find out why, why, why!

When Scott first stopped going to church, and I was talking to our friend (and former, former bishop) that is in the stake presidency about it, he said he felt like Scott would eventually come back, although he didn't know how many months or years that might take. I have clung to that as inspiration from a loving friend and leader. But I am not sure I have hope and faith in it anymore. It is almost easier to assume that he won't, and to let it go, than to cling to a hope that might never come, that keeps me in denial, hoping that my marriage will last, when it is becoming obvious that it won't.

I took the kids and stayed for Sacrament meeting yesterday.

Not sure what I will do next.

But I know I need the support of the church and the gospel in my life. I think the new bishop can play a major part in this healing process. If it were still the old bishop, I wouldn't even try. But he and his wife are now on a service mission, so chances of even running into him at church for a while is slim. And in the meantime, I need to find a way to forgive the Stake President and a certain sister that teaches Relief Society.  I know I told the Stake President that I am done, and so I am sure he never made the phone calls that he said were essential to approving my recommend. Wouldn't it be nice if he would feel inspired to follow up on those phone calls, and would email me and apologize and let me know that he was willing to approve me for a temple recommend even though I support gay marriage, and blog about that support?

But that might be too much to hope for.

So in time, when I am ready, I will go to the bishop and see what I need to do to get a recommend. And maybe, just maybe, he can be my advocate with the stake president. He or my father-in-law.  Something will work out. At least I have that much hope.

Dear Scott

Scotty dear,

I am so sorry that everything has been so hard for you lately.

Lots of demands at work, having to work late on your birthday.

Children that more disobedient and messy and careless and disrespectful than ever. (You know how hard it is to be motivated when you are depressed. I think this is the kids' reaction to us having a hard time...not to make excuses for them...)

Pregnant wife that is still so emotional and hard to live with and has lots of demands and shares frequently how disappointed she is that you forgot to do something, or spent too much money, or whatever. (I'm sorry, by the way.) And then there are the hormones, and not knowing if I am going to be ornery or crying or wanting to seduce you. I wouldn't want to put up with me either!

The whole annoying mess with selling the truck. I will continue to fervently pray that the "check engine" light is just part of the replaced-3-months-ago-and-now-malfunctioning-again instrument panel. I really hope he doesn't bring the truck back for a refund in a week!

And worst of all, the lack of male touch, slowly losing the one person who was willing to cuddle with you. And over the last year, losing the friends you have chatted with the most, the ones who needed you the most, the ones that were part of our family and we were all so attached to and now they are gone. Change is hard on all of us.

Yes, I am selfish and I want you for myself forever. But it really won't be what either of us wants and needs if staying together means you being depressed and therefore impatient and withdrawn. I hate that more than anything.

So I have one request or proposal or whatever. Let's try to put this discussion and issue aside for a few months. Both of us need to put it on a shelf and focus on counting our blessings and taking care of our family and each other. Let's stabilize the children, help them with their apathy, spend more time with them, lovingly help them to be more happy and thus more willing and able to do their chores and their homework. Let's get this baby here, get my emotions stabilized. Let's continue to communicate instead of withdrawing and feeling angry toward each other.

And then, when things feel a bit more under control, we can pull the issue off the shelf. And if you need to go find the love you long for, I will let you, I will pray for you to find it and send you with my blessing. Hopefully putting this kind of effort on our family now will help us then to remain best friends, and give you a desire to continue to be part of your children's lives, not just because they need it, but because you want it as much as they do.

I love you. I want you to be happy and I know you want the same for me. I don't know what is going to make me happy, but I do know that seeing you like you have been off and on the last few months is not it. Seeing you struggle to figure out how to take care of yourself while still taking care of me has been hell. Let's try it your way...eventually...because my way is obviously not working.

And I am hoping that if you have this to look forward to, and in writing (to remind me to hold up to what I have said!) then maybe you can help me get through the tough times right here and now.

Loving you more than you could ever imagine; best friends forever,

Sarah

Change

Major change is coming.  I don't know when and I don't know exactly what.  It scares me more than anyone can imagine.

But I know God is there. I couldn't sleep. So at 2:20 a.m. I went to my computer, and there is a plea for help from someone who understands, posted only a few moments before. And at 2:30 a.m. I found her number, and I called her and we cried together. Our situations are different, I am more than twice her age, but our situations are also much the same and oh so confusing.

I asked her to tell me what was going on first. I could have spoken the same words she said, "Why me? Why has God done this to me?" And then she said some wise things for someone her age, maybe us, because God knew that it had to be someone, and knew that we could handle it and had something to learn from it.

I agree.  But that doesn't make it any easier.

Prayers are welcome. We will figure it out.