Mormons Building Bridges

A short time before the Salt Lake Gay Pride celebration, I was added to a Facebook group titled "Mormons Building Bridges". Within this group the plans for marching in the parade were organized and finalized. But now that the parade is over, the conversations continue, and people are posting about their wonderful experiences from pride, but also about other experiences and interactions within their LDS church buildings and/or with their friends and ward members.

This week, one man named Nic posted this beautiful experience that must be shared:

"Today at church in a Father's Day talk, a member went off about how society is going down on the backs of the iniquity of homosexuals everywhere, gays are no better than animals and gay marriage will destroy families and gay parents destroy children, how evil homosexuality is and how ashamed they should be for corrupting things God intended otherwise.

Given my internal compass I am not offended by this but I looked around at everyone and wondered who else could be gay and hearing this. I tried to be cured and was in a hetero marriage that ended in divorce but I am a Dad as well. After sacrament I took this brother--he is a good man btw--in the hall and talked with him. I just told him I was gay and started testifying of the deep struggles I had for years trying to be cured. How much I love my kids and try to be the best Dad to them. How I did not choose this and I have an undeniable testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ including a strong relationship with them. And an even deeper testimony that they have always known I was gay, have never treated me differently and loved me even though I am gay.

His face turned more and more pale white as I talked. I looked up at him to notice at the end tears streaming down his face. This is a brother I have befriended, helped through struggles, helped with his house and moving, helped him anytime he needed it and always smiled and asked how he was doing. He said, "I just can't stop crying I feel the spirit so strong right now. I am so, so sorry. I, I, I didn't know I mean you have kids, I mean I need to repent so bad. You're gay? That entirely changes everything I have ever felt or been taught about gay people." He hugged me and kept crying. And apologized several more times. I told him even more than me I worried about others who heard it and their thoughts and feelings. He said "I will go to the Bishop and ask him how I can correct this, so I can share what I have learned and my apology." So he did.

Contention comes from one place, not God. We too easily politicize everything but souls are not political pawns to be played with. They are beautiful, intrinsically worth it children of God! Miracles happen as we reach out in love and understanding ONE soul at a time! I know this works as we have the courage to be ourselves and testify of true principles!"

In the group, we asked Nic if the branch president had addressed the issue at all. Nic shared the following details:

"The branch president stood up and interrupted the talk to end the meeting. His son had come up and grabbed his hand (a toddler). I got up and approached the brother asking him if I could have a word with him in the hallway.

The branch president asked everyone if they could stay in the chapel. I don't know what he said exactly but my piano teacher in the ward said he bore his testimony about growing up an anti-gay bully and bigot. He told them how he counseled a person who had struggled so much and been through so much as a gay person. He prayed and fasted for them. He was filled with the love Heavenly Father and the Savior had for this gay child of God. He told them how he had a complete change of heart, shed tears over how much he loved this person and they are still best friends to this day.

That's the short version but apparently there was not a dry eye in the place. He didn't name me but that gay person is me. He has had a complete and miraculous change of heart. He is so loving. I love him dearly. He has taken heat from those who know I am gay who have called him a "faggot sympathizer." He is truly one of my best friends. He has given a 5th Sunday lesson on loving and embracing gay members of the church that I wrote for him called, "The Worth of a Soul."

Unfortunately, the brother giving the talk was gone. But all things in their time and this turned out to be a great lesson for everyone involved. When Elder Holland visited my mission in North Carolina he told me something when I spoke to him I will never ever forget. He said, "Most people do not experience miracles because they do not live out where miracles happen." I determined I would be a person who lives "out where miracles happen." Anyone else can choose to do the same. Nothing special about me!
I always operate on love. I can't hate people; I love them too much! I see them as Heavenly Father and the Savior see them and feel their love for them too strongly. I have even been beaten and harmed for being gay. I don't feel sorry for myself. I just feel sorrow for those who did it and how much they must struggle inside to be able to do that to someone. I forgive and hope Heavenly Father and the Savior love them, heal them and give them peace."

Someday I hope to be as calmly vocal and as forgiving as Nic is, so that I can feel comfortable going back to church regularly and build bridges like he has. I told him that I would love to chat with him sometime about how to begin forgiving leaders and family members. In response, he shared a link to this talk by President Faust, which I plan to read soon.

God bless our leaders and other members to open their hearts and truly feel the spirit of love in the message that many of us have to share. Bless us to calmly stand on the side of love and avoid contention and be non-judgmental and forgiving as we do!

Pride

I survived the last week of school, pride weekend, and my daughter's sixteenth birthday today. In another month I will have survived being a single mother of five for an entire year!

Pride was amazing this year for several reasons. First, it was incredible to have other straight spouse friends walking beside me at both the festival and in the parade. Second, it was a day that will go down in history for the Salt Lake Gay Pride celebration as a huge group of LDS members dressed in their Sunday clothes, not to attend church as usual, but instead to walk together at the front of the pride parade, sending messages of love for all of God's children. It proved to be an amazing spiritual and emotional experience for those marching as well as those watching, and attracted all sorts of media attention.

For me, it was just happy. I enjoyed reading of the experiences on Facebook, both from the LDS group as well as from my straight spouse friends. I enjoyed being with my family, happy that Scott and I have found peace and friendship in our separation and relationship with each other as well as with the kids. I especially marveled at the gratitude I felt from some of the gay fathers as they saw me and my friends supporting each other and supporting our gay loved ones, even though many of us are or will soon be ex-spouses. We have started an important network of straight spouses that has much work to do as we reach out to others and encourage a positive journey of growth for us and our children. Last night as I spoke with fathers and spouses at a family BBQ that ended our pride celebration, I felt a confirmation that we are truly doing God's work with these organizations.


Just for fun, I decided to go back through my blog to posts that I wrote about my experiences with the Pride celebration over the past three years. I've also included photos from each year, and am amazed at how my children have grown. I am so proud of each of them and the choices they are making in their lives. I continue to be a little bit concerned about our journeys not including the church at this time, and I don't know where we are going with that decision, but there has definitely been peace for all of us in taking a break.


PRIDE 2009

CTL--Choose to Love

Scott came out in July 2008, so June 2009 was our first awareness of the Pride celebration and any desire to observe or participate in it. I wrote in this post of the guilt I felt from deciding to attend the parade as a family with Scott instead of going to church. But then as I chose a hymn to be sung in Relief Society in my absence, aligning it with the topic of "obedience", the words of hymn #237, "Do What is Right" spoke to my heart. I wrote:

My guilty feeling lifted as I felt the words of the song talking to me. Don't worry about the consequence of going in the morning when the day-dawn is breaking (and missing church); instead, fight for freedom, be faithful and fearless, and accept the fact that God is leading us, protecting us, and blessing us in our quest.

After sitting through heavy rain for an hour or more during the parade, and then wandering through endless booths, our feet hurt, we were wet and cold and hungry and tired, and yet our oldest son said, "This was the best Sunday ever!" Oh dear, what am I teaching my children? :) I hope they are learning to love.

PRIDE 2010

Bring it on

For this particular Pride event, I was eight+ months pregnant, and our oldest son had his appendix removed just a week or so before. In addition, the last few months had been emotionally taxing for me as it was evident that Scott was most likely unable to continue our marriage relationship. He had begun clubbing and dating and drinking, and so with all of these changes combined with a physically miserable pregnancy, I often found myself hopelessly wishing I could just be relieved from this mortal hell. Pride was apparently one of my better days:

The Pride festival today was hot, but fun, and it was exciting to see the students in the GSA club at my school, along with the club from a neighboring school (and my own children) march in the parade with Equality Utah. By the time we were done wandering the festival, however, my daughter and I were almost wishing it was rainy and cold like last year. :) Scott and I splurged on rainbow tie-dye shirts for the kids that match the ones he and I bought last year, so our family was just adorable everywhere we went today! (We even got a onesie for the upcoming kid to wear next year. :) Scott and I traded shirts, since I have gained a lot of size out front, and he has lost a bit this past year and is wearing a shirt size smaller. 

For the most part I am happy and well. I appreciate all of my friends. I appreciate that my eyes and heart have been opened to the gay part of the world. I appreciate my blog readers, the prayers, the emails, the realization that we have this amazing thing called the internet to find each other across the world and offer support to each other and know that we are not alone in what we face. To all of you readers out there that have/are/or will face what I am (or worse!), my heart is full and I wish you the best and pray for you. I wish for you to have the support of family and friends, to stay friends with your gay spouse, to feel the arms of your Heavenly Father around you, carrying you through, regardless of whether or not you stay active in the church. So bring it on. With God's help we can make the best out of what life gives us. Happy Pride day, happy Sabbath, and God bless! 

PRIDE 2011

Troubled

Pride last year came at a time when I was apparently really struggling with church. I was attending, but not enjoying my attendance. I was going through the motions, trying to do what I was supposed to do, but not really feeling anything. A recent article had come out in the LDS magazine called the Ensign, and it seemed that it had been written with the gay marriage battle in mind just in time for the June gay pride celebrations around the country. I wrote this the Sunday following pride:

...but today I really struggled with being at church. I tried to seek the spirit in prayer, specifically during the Sacrament ordinance. But I felt nothing, and my mind wandered to the experience of our third pride celebration last Sunday as we walked in the parade with the Utah Gay Father's Association. The euphoria and chills I experienced as the crowds of people along the parade route cheered on the fathers (some with, some without their children) was much more powerful than the "nothing" I felt at church today, and I desperately wanted to feel something. Where is my testimony going?

Supportive Straight Spouses

I've been busy creating a website for other straight spouses. It is located at http://straightspouses.org

Scott designed a logo for me and I have a team of friends helping me to figure out what to include. Any further suggestions are welcome. Some of us even had some t-shirts made that we will be wearing when we walk in the SLC pride parade next Sunday with Utah Gay Fathers. I am so excited. Last night several of these friends, some with their spouses (and ex-spouses) and children came to our monthly moho party. Yes, we continue to have the events, although we've slowed down to one every two months for the last couple. Attendance had really dropped, but last night was crowded and diverse and wonderful. I love the friends I've made and the support that we give one another as we try to face our trials in the most positive way we can.