Elie Wiesel

If you google Elie Wiesel today, you get this list of awesome quotes. (I'd never even heard of him.)

Rest in peace, Mr. Wiesel. Thank you for leaving a legacy of love.

• We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.

• The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

• There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.

• No human race is superior; no religious faith is inferior. All collective judgments are wrong. Only racists make them.

• Friendship marks a life even more deeply than love. Love risks degenerating into obsession, friendship is never anything but sharing.

• Peace is our gift to each other.

• There are victories of the soul and spirit. Sometimes, even if you lose, you win.

• When a person doesn't have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude.

• Wherever men and women are persecuted because of their race, religion, or political views, that place must - at that moment - become the center of the universe.

• I have not lost faith in God. I have moments of anger and protest. Sometimes I've been closer to him for that reason.

Love is the answer

Sorry this post has been so long in coming...it is about the day I started back to church after a month off, March 21,2010. My goal was to stay the whole time (whether I went to my classes or not) so that my kids would stay.


As I took a shower that morning, I found myself actually looking forward to going, not dreading or nervous for it like I had been for the weeks and months previous to my break.

The kids of course had taken a bit of a break, too, so it was somewhat a struggle to get them up and going.


I turned on "Music and the spoken word" to play in the background while we got ready. I wasn't really paying attention until Lloyd Newel began one of his final message on the program. It was about delighting in the happiness and success of others, even if that success sometimes comes at the cost of our own. An example was shared of a high school girl who called another one to congratulate her for being the valedictorian of their class. The girl who called was second place, and there was only one valedictorian. Instead of mourning her own loss, she rejoiced in the other girl's success.

***

I really enjoyed Sacrament Meeting. The speakers consisted of two sisters from new part of ward. I don't know anything about their current situations with their spouses, but if they have spouses, they weren't there speaking with them.

The first spoke mostly of her life, her childhood, her siblings, her participation in the Hill Cumorah pagent. Her mission call, which she ended up trading for marriage in the SL temple, her 5 children, sadness in her life losing her dad, then losing her mom. She spoke of each of her 5 children, what they are all doing now. She then added something about their family now being a little bit broken, but how they are still an eternal family. While she was speaking, I felt impressed that I should get to know her better.


The text for the second speaker's talk came from President Eyring in last October's conference, from his talk "Our Perfect Example". Here are Some of the main things I remember, that impressed me the most:

Words from the primary song "I'm Trying to be like Jesus."

"...I'm trying to love as he did in all that I do and say....Love one another as Jesus love you, try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught."

Elder Eyring's message was a simple one of love, "Love is the motivating principle by which the Lord leads us along the way towards becoming like Him [the Savior], our perfect example...Love of others is at the heart of our capacity to obey Him."

"The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own."

As she continued to speak about his talk, the words clicked for me and how I should handle the stresses of my life right now. Instead of being frustrated and swayed by others telling me how selfish Scott appears to be, I felt strongly that I just need to love him, and try putting his happiness above my own, even though it seems to many that I shouldn't have to. Don't the scriptures tell us to work on improving ourselves before telling others how they should improve?

Elder Eyring mentions the inscription on a gravestone at a cemetery near his home that says, "Please, no empty chairs." He points out the word "please" and how we Can't force anyone's choices.

I loved his council to husbands and wives, and the words filled my heart with peace: "Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion's joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."

He continues to give advice to parents, to children, to those who have adopted other people's families as if they were their own. I thought of our many friends, friends that we are currently closer to than to our own extended families, my love for them, my excitement for them as they find love and make plans to "marry", or at least in Utah, to "commit" to each other. Is the love I feel for them not the same Christ-like love that this whole talk is about?

His final message in the talk: "I hope you will go out today looking for opportunities to do as He did and to love as He loves. I can promise you the peace that you felt as a child will come to you often and it will linger with you. The promise is true that He made to His disciples: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you." (John 14:27)"

So, if I pray for love, love like the Savior, and put the happiness of my spouse above my own, I will find peace? That is my interpretation, and it sounds like a good plan to me. I seem to remember the speaker mentioning a line from the talk that says Some of us are blessed with love that grows when we need it the most. I have faith that I can be blessed with the love I need right now to get through everything.

***

Following Sacrament meeting, I walked my children to their classes, and then I saw the lady who had spoken first. We had a heartfelt conversation as I learned a bit more about her situation, and I told her a bit about my struggles. We embraced, and I realized that there are a lot of people in the ward that I don't even really know yet that have a lot to offer to me and my family. I hope opportunities will come for me to get to know them better.

I proceeded outside to the back lawn. The weather was gorgeous, sunny and warm with a slight breeze. I had snacks to nibble on and a new book to read...

...and now the story of the book...

A few days earlier, I received an email at school. The time on the email was 1:30 a.m. I got the impression it was from a parent, but it didn't say much. All it said was "Please call me at your earliest convenience" and then included a name and phone number. Based on my experience with parents last year, I was nervous that somehow information about my personal life or views had ticked someone off again, although I have been really careful this year not to talk to my classes and students about it. Still, I knew there were rumors circulating from the year before.

Following my two classes that morning, at the beginning of my lunch, I called the number. The man who answered was very friendly and excited that I had called him back, he made sure that I had some time to talk (that I wasn't in the middle of a class or anything) and then he became awkward as he told me that he was the father of one of my students, that he had given me a fake name to protect his daughter's identity because she begged him not to talk to me, that his daughter had told him I was going through some personal struggles, and that he was embarrassed to talk to me about it because he didn't know if it was true or not, but that he could not sleep the night before thinking about me and the possibility of what I was going through.

He then shared with me that he has had homosexual feelings, and that decisions he made previously in his life were really hard on his wife and children. But he found his way back, and he wrote a book about his experience that he wanted to share with me, and that his main message to me was that no matter what happens, no matter what decisions my husband makes, I will be okay. Everything will be okay. I can call and talk to him or his wife any time. "Can I bring you the book? You are in room number ###. right?"

I cried as he spoke, then I went to lunch, in awe of what appeared to be God's tender mercies and this time a parent that was going to be an angel of sorts rather than a trial like last year.

At the beginning of my next class, I was wandering the classroom, collecting papers and helping students with the starting activity when I realized someone peaking in the door. This man and his wife were there with a book and a vase of flowers. They both hugged me and reminded me that I would be okay and that I could call them any time. There was a sweet spirit in their presence--one of love and deep concern, not of judgement or advice or anything like that.

Thus I had this book, and I finally had time to start reading it. I read a few full chapters, then skimmed, and read some more. It didn't take long for me to realize that I disagree with this man in a lot of ways, mainly with the last chapter and gay-rights issues. But it didn't bother me, because the tone of the book was wonderful. It was not preachy, but rather just as he says on the back cover: "Although the solutions for each person who is sruggling with unwanted behaviors will be different, my hope is that my story will encourage you to never give up, always dream and contemplate what seems impossible, and continue to seek solutions to life's most difficult challeges."

Another thing I really liked about it is that even though he is LDS, he does not mention it. He talks about his religion and how it influenced his struggles, both in the guilt he felt and in having God's help with the decisions he eventually made, but the denomination of the church itself was never mentioned.

I want to share a few quotes from the book about his wife, for they are what touched me the most...

From the dedication of the book, which is dedicated to his wife, he says...

"I dedicate this book to my beautiful wife. She has walked this long journey with me for many years...Her only concern has been what is best for me. My sincere wish for the world is that all people could have a spouse (or family members) as understanding, compassionate, and who posses the ability to love unconditionally as my sweet wife has been able to do."

"My sweet companion willingly stepped back and allowed me to make my own decisions in this journey we call life. She has always accepted the fact that this was a risk and that there were no guarantees. She just did it. And now, we are reaping the rewards of her unconditional dedication, loyalty and love."

Later in the book he says, "In the forthcoming years, she had some very difficult days and seemingly insurmountable decisions to make."

He quotes from her journal, "I am very sad at this time. I have been married for many years and have two marvelous children, and I have a great husband, but he has a problem...He is a great father for our children, but as a husband he is making decisions that are destroying our marriage. At this time he is only thinking of himself and what he wants without thinking of the damage he is causing me and the children. I love [him] ... but I don't know to what point I can endure this. This is very difficult for me! I am very sad and I think a lot about him. I know I need to remain calm, just live my life and be strong for my children. I pray that the Lord would bless him with His spirit that as he decides what to do, he might be able to remember the pain I am feeling. I hope he is able to put more emphasis on the most important thing, our family."

The following quotes come from a chapter titled "Love and its incredible power"

"As I felt the power of my wife's unconditional love, I was then able to begin to express myself and figure out what was happening within my mind...my sweet wife naturally comes with a very unconditional loving heart...she repeatedly forgave me each time I failed. "Hatred tears down, but understanding builds up" (Howard W. Hunter).

"My wife was able to work through the hatred she felt for my situation, and began to understand my pain. By so doing, we were able to find enough strength to focus on commonalities instead of the differences we felt. Because we were both willing to discuss the issues and never stop trying to figure out the huge puzzle, we ultimately were able to turn this very negative situation into a very positive success story."

Now that I read over these quotes again, a month later, I wonder if I am placing too much hope in them. It still feels right, however, to focus on loving him and rejoicing in his happiness, rather than getting angry and throwing him out so that I don't have to deal with it any more.

I have shared a bit about our situation with three friends (staff members) at school. Two of them immediately reacted with how selfish Scott is. So I was afraid to tell the third. She knew I was avoiding talking to her about it. When I finally did, though, I included telling her about the parents and the book they brought to me. She became emotional and told me that she felt like I was taking the right path with the situation, although not the easy one.

I have felt bad that it has taken me so long to write this post, but it has been good for me to mingle the memories of the peace that this Sabath day in March brought to me with the mixture of other emotions I have been feeling over the last month--sadness, anger, frustration, depression. I am sure that things will continue to feel like a rollar coaster for a long time, especially for the next couple of months until the baby comes. But I need to remember this post and these feelings and allow peace to fill my heart. Not an easy task at all, I must say. But maybe, just maybe, within the realm of possibility.

Why Marriage Matters

Finally, an article in the Deseret News that I can agree with. Remove a couple of words and sentences, like “Traditional Marriage” and “National Organization for Marriage” and "especially those of us who believe marriage is and should remain in America the union of one man with one woman" and you have the perfect set of arguments for why gay marriage should be legal. Why those who write this stuff can’t see it is beyond me. They are so stuck in traditional interpretations of the bible, like the misunderstood story of Sodom and Gomorrah, that they refuse to look around at families with gay couples at the head of them that fit this article perfectly, families like Utah Cog.

Anyway, here it is! (http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700009770/Why-Marriage-Matters-Marriage-leads-to-better-overall-health-Scholar-Linda-Waite-says.html)

"Why Marriage Matters": Marriage leads to better overall health, scholar Linda Waite says

By Sara Israelsen-Hartley
Deseret News
Published: Monday, Feb. 15, 2010 10:02 p.m. MST

PROVO — There's a lot to be said for saying "I do."

And it goes beyond the romantic notions of happily ever after.

How about healthily, wealthily ever after?

Married people have higher levels of physical, emotional and cognitive health, along with greater earning potential, a sociologist told a group at BYU last week.

Linda Waite, a professor of sociology from the University of Chicago, provided hard data for the often emotionally fueled arguments in favor of traditional marriage at the sixth annual Marjorie Pay Hinckley Lecture.

"What I argue, and in my view, the research evidence supports, is that marriage itself changes people's choices," Waite said.

When their choices change, their behavior changes, which results in greater health.

"(Using the) most basic fundamental health indicator, it's very clear that married people are advantaged," she said, showing a graph with life-expectancy lines for men and women that were higher for married individuals than their single, widowed or divorced counterparts.

And this refers to traditional marriages, she said, not cohabitation, marriage-like arrangements or alternatives to marriage.

But being married doesn't just help you live longer. Other graphs showed higher levels of mental health and cognitive function for married couples than for single people living alone, with other adults or with their own children.

"It's clear that for both men and women, marriage improves mental health," Waite said. "And it declines when they lose a marriage."

In fact, divorce or widowhood is so stressful that "being divorced or widowed leaves a mark on physical health even years later," she said.

Although remarrying improves mental health, it can't make up for the damaging periods of poor sleep, nutrition and exercise during a stressful time, Waite said.

Marriage also benefits the parties financially, as women have someone to provide for them and their children, and men earn more money than they did when they were single, because of an improved work ethic.

Those findings are nothing new to BYU professors, who study social trends of marriage and family through the LDS lens.

"Obviously at BYU, there's a religious motivation behind the importance of marriage," said Renata Forste, a sociology professor who studied in Chicago, where she met Waite. "But there's also empirical evidence that shows that married people do better."

Lectures like Waite's build on the legacy of Sister Hinckley and her focus on the family through research and education, said Stephen Bahr, a professor of sociology at BYU who is on the Marjorie Pay Hinckley Advisory Committee responsible for arranging the lectures.

"Rather than simply advocating a position is to focus on the research," Bahr said. "As students learn to do good research, the research will speak for itself, as hers did."

And the more people who understand the scientifically proven benefits of marriage, not only for them, but for society in general, the more attitudes will hopefully shift to being protective and supportive of traditional marriage, Waite said.

"The most important thing is to speak up, in love, for the truth about marriage," said Maggie Gallagher, president of the National Organization for Marriage and co-author with Waite on the book, "The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially."

"Right now, it's less about which arguments are more or less effective than it is about the attempt to intimidate or embarrass marriage supporters into silence," Gallagher told the Deseret News, "especially those of us who believe marriage is and should remain in America the union of one man with one woman."

Gallagher said it's important to talk to children, siblings, friends and family members about why marriage matters so much.

"We tend to raise kids to be good workers and students," she said. "We need to raise them as well to be and to value being good husbands and wives, because children need moms and dads they can count on."

"Why Marriage Matters"

In 2002, a group of family scholars, including Linda Waite, produced a report, "Why Marriage Matters," sponsored by the Institute for American Values.

In the report, they summarized three fundamental conclusions about marriage:

Marriage is an important social good.

Marriage is an important public good.

The benefits of marriage extend to poor and minority communities.

To read more, visit center.americanvalues.org/?p=7 or www.americanvalues.org/pdfs/wmmexsumm.pdf.

This past weekend I received an email from parent at my school because after a few communications with her regarding her child and my student, I somehow got on her “read this cool story!” email list. :) Sometimes it is annoying, but after skimming this particular email, some statements toward the end intrigued me, and my mind has since put them together with the above article.

I have heard politicians and political groups use the arguments that special groups should not receive special freedoms just for them, specifically referring to the gay community. But the response I have heard from the other side is accurate: they are not looking for special treatment, just equal treatment. Then there is the response to that, that a gay man has just as much right to marry a woman as a straight man does. They really have no idea how far that is from being an equal freedom, which is so sad. They also say that as long as people are quiet about being gay, then there is no issue with job or housing security. They really have no idea what it is like to be in the closet.

Back to a small quote from this email, (I have no idea how true it is, but I like it) that comes from a Judge, William Young, who presided over the case involving Richard Reid, a man who got on a plane with a bomb built into his shoe.

He supposedly says to the terrorist (among a lot of other things):

“It seems to me you hate the one thing that to us is most precious. You hate our freedom. Our individual freedom. Our individual freedom to live as we choose, to come and go as we choose, to believe or not believe as we individually choose…”

What I liked best, however, was the commentary after the Judge’s quote, from whomever got this email going in the first place:

“We need more judges like Judge Young.”

“But we are losing America and the Freedoms that Judge Young was speaking about because too many "Special Interest Groups" are exploiting the "ME" and forgetting about the "US" in America. Unless we stand together, it won’t take too much longer before they pull us part with the very ideals of Freedom that we hold so dear. I don't care if they pit Caucasian against Latinos, Straights against Gays, or Catholics against Protestant. They are succeeding in dividing us from "One Nation Under One Flag". Our forefathers built us as a nation "Under God", but God made us all brothers and sisters. Different, but Special. These special interest groups are using that difference against us to divide us and it’s working.”

“AND THEY KNOW IT. They are using our very Freedoms against us. Because we won’t stand up to them and they know it. We better fight these guys or be prepared to crawl when they destroy what our constitution was really intended to do.”

“It has been said over and over again that America will destroy itself from within and it looks like we are.”

Now, I am not sure which side this email-author is on when it comes to gay-rights issues, but I agree that our country has a problem. I’ve said this before, that there are people on both sides of the issue that are doing more harm than good. I know some people see the gay community as a “special interest group” that is causing problems. But I think it is much more the other way around. Basic freedoms are at stake, basic freedoms of employment and housing and hospital visitations and marrying who you love, of creating a family with those you are most connected to. The rights of parents to control what their kids do and don’t learn in school about the families of other children pales in comparison, in my opinion, to the rights of this minority group. And even more than that, I think children OUGHT to have the opportunity to learn about and embrace other family structures, thus fully accepting their peers and their individual situations.

Again, I am so glad that we have taught our children to love. Two weeks ago,  (the first week I officially stayed home from church) the 3 older children chose to go to their classes, but the youngest wanted to stay home with me. So he and I had our own primary lesson, the next one from his manual, and the topic was on family. I was talking to my son, following this instruction in the lesson itself: LDS.org - Support Materials Chapter - We Have Special Families

“Explain that all families are different. Some families have two parents, and some families have only one. Some families have lots of children, and some families have only a few children or one child. Some families have children, parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles all living together. Some children live with adults who aren’t related to them but who still love them and care for them. Families do different things together and show love in different ways. The important thing about families is that the family members love and care for each other. Everyone needs to be part of a family.”

My son immediately jumped down from the couch and picked up a picture book that we have on a shelf under our coffee table, and insisted that I read it with him. Scott looked up from his personal reading/study time and smiled. We purchased the book a year or so ago, and it has a page that says “some families have 2 moms or two dads.” He and I read through the book together. We have read it many times, and he had his own commentary to go with it. To him it is all normal, that all families are different; he is going to grow up with that idea, and I love it!

After the book, we continued with the lesson. I did not teach him anything contrary to the lesson. It is true that some families have two moms or two dads, and there is no reason to hide the fact that they exist and love their children just as much as any other parents.

I agree wholeheartedly that “Marriage Matters”, freedom is most precious, and the best way to hold our country together is to support and strengthen marriage and families, all families, no matter what they look like.

From the proclamation on the family: (LDS.org - Family Chapter Detail - The Family:A Proclamation to the World)

“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live..."

"We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets."

"We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.”

AMEN! Let’s legalize gay marriage, promote family, and strive to love and serve each other!

Mixed Feelings

(I started writing this post a few weeks ago when the topic was more timely, but I have been spending much more time sleeping than being on my computer.  Sorry.)

As many of you probably know, the documentary that Scott and I interviewed for has been in the press lately and in fact there are those who believe that the church’s statement a few weeks ago at the SLC city council meeting was at least partially a preemptive effort to defend themselves with regards to some of the content in the documentary.

I blogged about our initial interviews last January, but I would now like to blog about the entire journey, the initial information we had about the documentary, the interview itself and our motivations and reasons for being involved, my feelings and anxiety regarding the release of the documentary, and my concern on the stance that the film-maker, Reed Cowan, is taking with everything. Scott and I have talked about this a lot, and I feel like I am finally ready to lay it all out on the table.

So, let’s go back to January 2009 when Scott received this email from a mailing list he is on.

(Forwarded from Duane Jennings, representing Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons, Salt Lake Chapter)

TIME, PLACE & DATE ANNOUNCED FOR PROP 8 DOCUMENTARY SLC SHOOT!

Hello Utah GLBT community and hello GLBT supporters!

EVERY LIFE HAS A STORY EVERY STORY HAS A LESSON EVERY LESSON THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD

This is our mantra as we look to our upcoming visit to Utah to shoot our documentary on Proposition 8.

WHEN: Saturday, January 31, 9am-9pm
WHERE: UTAH PRIDE CENTER 355 NORTH 300 WEST
MIDDLE MEETING ROOM

PLEASE ARRIVE EARLY.

The intention of this film is to show the attitudes and teachings of the Mormon church relative to LGBT issues has not only impacted lives, but also public policy.

I give my word to do all I can to get this film in to every movie theatre in the world...but THE SUCCESS OF THIS FILM RESTS SQUARELY ON YOUR ABILITY TO BE BRAVE AND OFFER YOUR STORIES.

The power of this film depends on you and your story.

As mentioned before, I have received some amazing commitments from some of the most prolific voices on the issue where it pertains to Mormons and Mormonism who are booked for our film.

LINE UP TO SPEAK UP!

I want to hear from Mormons (gay and straight) who sat in church and felt the pinch of authority telling them to do something that was against their own beliefs about LGBT issues.

I want to hear from those who are former Mormons, who have been rejected by their faith community because of their sexuality.

I want to hear from those who have not only been victimized by the short sited mindsets that got Prop. 8 through--but also those who have triumphed over it all in the spirit of optimism that will eventually see Prop. 8 overturned.

EVERY LIFE HAS A STORY; EVERY STORY HAS A LESSON, EVERY LESSON THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD.

What's your story? Let's tell it!

Reed Cowan
Documentary Film Maker & Emmy Award winning journalist

The email of course intrigued me. I was definitely hurting over Prop. 8. A lady in my ward was trying to save my soul on the subject in her Relief Society lessons, and it was ticking me off. My local leaders refused to understand. I was hurt from a talk from a high councilman in another ward and stake, comparing those who disagree with Prop 8 to “wolves in sheep’s clothing.”

I had to tell my story. I had to tell the world what a wonderful man my gay husband is, and all of our sweet friends, some "married" in CA and raising children, incredible parents that want nothing more than the same freedoms "one man and one woman" have, to be sure that their "spouse" and children will be taken care of, and without the extra legal cost and worry that it won't be enough...

But I was nervous. I knew there could be consequences. I forwarded the email to a friend at school that is also LDS and struggling with the church’s political involvement, watching the pain it inflicted on her gay brother. She and I talked about it a lot. She decided to email Reed to find out more:

Hello Mr. Cowan, I am interested in participating in your documentary but I have a few questions before I consent to do so. I am LDS but I don't agree with prop 8. I would love a venue to express this in, however, I am not interested in being a part of something that is simply anti-LDS either. Will this documentary be neutral (factual) with what is presented or is it going to be anti-LDS? My other question is who will have access to it and will my words be taken out of context? I appreciate what you are doing for the gay/lesbian/bi/transgender community regardless of my decision of whether or not to participate. God bless you for doing this. May lives be saved and souls have peace.

…and he wrote back:

Hi!

Thanks for your interest. And thanks for being a guardian of your thoughts and actually participating in the process before the process.

Here's the deal. There WILL be voices in the film that are angry, hurt & say they are wronged. Those voices will likely be heard louder by some than the voices who are for Prop. 8.

I'm not trying to be anti-LDS, but as a person raised in the LDS church and who went on a mission to become a mission leader, I can tell you that I know that it's easy in the church to be labeled "ANTI.

I'm sure...despite my best efforts to give ALL voices a chance to be heard, that the film will be called ANTI.

In the end, you may or may not feel the same way.

What I can tell you is this:
1. I've extended the invitation to interview to ALL people of ALL SIDES
2. I've extended the invitation to the LDS church.
3. I've extended the invitation to ACTIVE LDS people

And their voices, if they lend them...WILL be heard.

However, whenever you interview for a journalist, you run the risk of your words being taken out of context. All I can tell you is that I have a goal of NOT doing that.

I hope to see you Saturday. Thank you SO MUCH for your good heart regarding this issue. I really hope you come. I need the voices of BELIEVING, FAITHFUL LDS PEOPLE who have chosen LOVE and have chosen to NOT support 8.

My consultant for this film: Carol Lynn Pearson has wisely encouraged me to "Not leave people in a dark alley..." In other words, to showcase GOOD, KIND and FORWARD THINKING Mormons who see beyond the mountains...people like you.

I hope you can be a part of this.

Reed

Her dad, a temple worker, gave her this advice: I thought your inquiry was very good and that Reed tried to give an honest answer. As he pointed out, there are certain risks and dangers in a volatile, highly emotional and sensitive issue such as this, even with the best of intentions on both sides. I believe your heart is right and I hope things go well for you in whatever you decide and do. May God bless.

So, after much prayer and pondering and thinking and feeling, we decided to do it. We were nervous, but the Spirit was strong and calming. It was liberating to watch others share their stories, knowing they were there amongst friends, and watching their burdens lift with hope in knowing that others in the room loved them for who they are, felt their pain, all of us hoping and praying that people who eventually watch this film could feel what we were feeling at that moment, and that it would make a huge difference of peace and comfort in the lives of many, many gay Mormons and their supportive and friends and families.

Then, last spring, Reed released footage of Buttars to the media. Of course I have no use for Senator Buttars, his opinions, his political activity over the years, etc., and I guess it is his own fault for saying such horrible things on camera for Reed’s documentary, but it somehow felt wrong for Reed to do what he did the way he did it, and it started to make me nervous about who this Reed Cowan really is and what kind of tone his documentary really will have.

After being asked by my local leaders regarding the documentary and when it will be out and how it will make the church look, I became even more nervous. I knew that a ton of people had interviewed for the film, and that he would not be able to include everyone. So I emailed Reed, and he let me know that while Scott, our daughter and my friend at school had NOT made the final cut of the film, I had, but he didn't believe that anything I said would be enough to get me in trouble with the church.

Within a few weeks of receiving this message from Reed, he had of course launched a web site and a blog for the documentary.  The blog posts started to concern me a little bit as Reed appeared to use the blog to lash out with his feelings about the church and his own LDS family.  Scathing posts would appear, then disappear, as though he regretted posting it. But then one of them brought me some hope and comfort again. (I was just going to post a piece of it, with a link to the original, but he has removed this particular post as well.)

Rain (October 24, 2009)

It's raining where I am today.  It has been all night.  Fall is setting in.  The end of things tired and used up.  The beginning of a new season.  My sons are having lunch with their dad in the kitchen.  The smell of coffee is wafting through the house.  Outside it is raining.  Inside our family's world, it is calm.

I suppose that's how the week has been too for us, metaphorically speaking.
While going about the lives of a normal American family...paying bills, dropping kids off at school, attending to our work...the storm of this film continues to swell in the outside world.

And as with any storm, there has been tremendous damage.  And tremendous good.

"Mr. Cowan, thank you for making this film.  It gives me courage."

"Mr. Cowan, my church's incursion in to politics and the messages they sent out as they worked against gay policies caused me to go home that afternoon and attempt suicide.  Thank you for showing the consequences of their actions and their words."

These are the thoughts of people who have shared with me what the pending release of this film has meant.  And I am humbled by their candor and their desire for change.

And I have received hate mail.

Mean spirits in the mix.  People who do not know me.  People who do not know the stirrings of my heart.  People who assume much before ever seeing the finished piece of film that will come in early 2010.

In their fear, their anger and in their sense of protection for what they hold sacred, they have lashed out.

Our film is not a hit-piece.  Our film is not motivated by a desire to hurt or destroy the church that is accused of encroaching beyond the dictates of separation of church and state.

Really, it is not.

In fact, our narrator Dustin Lance Black has made his participation in this film contingent on a respectful tone throughout.  And NY Times best-selling author Carol Lynn Pearson (also a Mormon) has insisted the same.

I agree with them.

Truth can hurt.  But it also sets us free to venture in to new expressions of the faith traditions we all hold dear.

This film is an opportunity to see the failings of people who thought they were doing the right thing, and experienced the scrutiny that came from making the mistakes that are alleged.

Many of you have asked me how my family situation is.

Like many LGBT people embroiled in family situations where family culture and religious culture creates conflict, it's a shambles this morning.

Nasty e mails.  Angry diatribes.  You know the drill.

But one of the youngest members of our family sent me the following and I'll share it with you now:

"I just watched the trailer for your up coming documentary. And i must say i am very excited. I cant wait to see the whole thing. But i am also very reserved, im certain that your movie will cause a great reaction in this state that seems so solitary... It is my hope that your powerful message will spark a change for the better in many hearts. Thats what this state needs is an eye opening, but with such a delicate subject... i worry about how it will affect relations in this family. I have seen first hand how people cling to this belief that the Mormon church is omnipotent.... Just this morning i fought two boys who were bashing my gay uncles they know nothing about... I do not doubt that they are good people at heart, and i hope there will come a great awakening when people will realize that all these things that make us a diverse species should not be feared and hated... but celebrated... Until that day, i will make you a promise that no matter how bad things get know that i love you and that i will always consider you my uncle and part of my family. You have helped me learn more about myself in the short time i have known you, then i ever would have imagined... Once again I love you. And i pray for you and your beautiful family every night. Peace and Safety."

Bless him.  May we all follow our young.  They are not poisoned by hatred and ignorance that leads to discrimination.

RC

I was touched.  This was the Reed I met in January, with a vision of hope and bringing peace. I have no idea why he would have removed this post.

But then Maine politics happened, and the National Organization of Marriage was involved in the campaign, and Reed began to lash out again.

Then, as mentioned, the church spoke at a SLC city council meeting, a huge step in the right direction, but Reed was nothing but critical. His next few blog posts disgusted and upset me.

Mormons endorse not leaving the gays to rot
 8:TMP Press Release

A friend of ours who also filmed for the documentary and who is very involved in policitics (but is also very young) contacted Reed and recommended that reacting this way was not going to accomplish anything.  Reed apparently told him that he is too young to understand what will actually make a difference in this situation.

So as Scott and I discussed my feelings and questions about Reed, his heart, and his intentions, Scott told me that he believes Reed did have the best of intentions from the beginning; that he was not putting on a show for us when we interviewed, but that he did intend for the documentary to really contain facts and accurately reflect on both sides of the issue. But somehow in the process of creating the documentary, of listening to hours and hours of heartbreaking interviews, of delving into church policies and politics, he has become bitter, and has lost judgement on what really is going to make a difference.

I have not seen the documentary.  I do not know if I will be glad that my voice can be heard as truth is revealed and peace is pursued, or if I will be embarressed to be associated with it, sad to see my beloved Prophet, President Monson, and other church leaders, demeaned and harrased.  My feelings are mixed as I anticipate the release of the film.  But I know without a doubt that when I interviewed, it felt like I was doing the right thing.  So I can only cling to that and hope for the best.  Because I do agree with Reed that this story needs to be told, and that there are people out there that need to know just how much the church's involvement in Proposition 8 destroyed (and continues to destroy) lives and families, the very thing they claim to be trying to protect.

Meanwhile, as I continue to wait to hear from my Stake President regarding his verdict on my temple recommend, I worry that this documentary is factoring into his decision, and I want him to know that my heart truly is in the right place.

Only time will tell...

Peace

After two and a half days at the Affirmation conference, last night I was feeling more peace than I have for a long time, especially in the last 3 weeks. I found myself humming the melody of the hymn "Do What is Right". When I got to the chorus, I subconsciously started singing the words, and then realized how appropriate the message was:

Do what is right, let the consequence follow
Battle for freedom in spirit and might.
And with stout hearts look ye forth till tomorrow.
God will protect you; then do what is right!

(I just realized that I have actually blogged about this hymn before!)

One of the mothers I met at the banquet Saturday night (the one who is active LDS and had to fight once to keep her recommend) said a few words to the entire group when accepting an award. One thing she said is, "You are my people. I love being with you, the gay and lesbian members of the church." It was amazing to hear these words out of the mouth of a straight, white-haired, 80 (?) year-old woman. I felt the power in her words, because I agree with them whole-heartedly. I was reminded of a scripture from the Bible:

And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God. (Ruth 1:16)

Carol Lynn Pearson also spoke at the same banquet. She spoke of her Stake President and the effort he is making to help the members of the stake understand homosexuality. Here is her explanation of that from a newsletter that she emails to anyone who wishes to get it:

A NOTEWORTHY HAPPENING IN MY LDS STAKE.

Last Sunday and the Sunday before, my stake presidency--three of the finest men you're going to find on the planet--gave presentations to all the adults in every ward in our stake in the "fifth Sunday" time slot they frequently utilize. In the words of my stake president, Dean Criddle:

"All of our remarks throughout the presentations were anchored on a statement drawn from a 1991 letter from the First Presidency encouraging 'Church leaders and members to reach out with love and understanding' to those experiencing homosexuality. We also focused our Stake members' attention on similar, supporting statements included in articles by Elder Dallin H. Oaks and Elder Jeffrey R. Holland in 1995 and 2007 issues of the Ensign, the 2007 pamphlet, God Loveth His Children, and the interview with Elder Oaks and Elder Lance Wickman posted at the LDS Newsroom ('Same Gender Attraction') on the Church website. Some of our major points were:

1. Our sexual orientation (which gives rise to unbidden feelings and impulses) does not appear to be a matter of choice, nor does it call for blame.
2. Heterosexual marriage is not a 'cure' for homosexual feelings.
3. Members of the Oakland Stake must be sensitive to the unusual burdens placed on members of our Church who experience homosexual impulses and not contribute to a hopelessness that drives some to despair and even suicide.
4. Parents especially are called upon to show love and support for a child who brings them the news that he/she is experiencing homosexual feelings.
5. A Church member who experiences homosexual impulses but is willing to follow the Church's code of behavior is entirely worthy to hold high positions in the Church.
6. Our responsibility and opportunity is to show Christlike love and respect for all of our brothers and sisters----in our families, our neighborhoods, our places of work and our Church.
7. Without condoning conduct inconsistent with the teachings of the Church, members have a duty to show love even to those who choose other life paths.

"The instruction we gave included nothing new. It was just a gentle reminder that all Church members at baptism covenant to 'bear one another's burdens, that they may be light.' (Mosiah 18:8-10)"

A member of each ward participated, sharing life experiences that added to the impact of the event. From members of my own ward and other wards, I have heard nothing but very appreciative comments about this important counsel--"Such a healing experience for our family"--"Absolutely right on--we all needed that"--"A very large step in the right direction."

Back to the banquet...She also spoke of small gatherings she has begun having in her home with members of her ward with one of her gay friends in attendance to help them learn and understand. So far, the results have been very positive. This coming week she has invited the Relief Society Presidency.

The main message that she ended with was that we should each follow a path that leads us to peace and happiness, whatever that might be. She repeated it with passion, and I felt it pierce my heart and soul. I have been so unhappy since trying to obtain a new temple recommend. It has been about as far from peace and happiness as I can be. Maybe another path is in order? (Dare I say that on this blog? Honestly, I'm not sure I care any more.)

Sunday came some of the neatest experiences ever. We attended a devotional (again, part of the Affirmation conference) and were privileged to sing "I'll Walk with You" with Carol Lynn leading it. I've mentioned it in a previous blog post, but she was asked to write this primary song for children that don't always fit in, and as she wrote it, she thought of children that will grow up in the church and figure out that they are gay. It was a sweet experience to hear the beautiful voices of gay and lesbian Mormons (and former Mormons) and family members that love them, with Carol Lyn standing before us.

The entire devotional was wonderful. It included several songs, including one commissioned for the conference, and some beautiful scriptures, Moroni 7:42-48 and Matthew 5:1-16. The best part, though, was the closing hymn. A soloist sang the first verse of "God Be with You Till We Meet Again" and then the congregation joined in on the 2nd verse. By the beginning of the 3rd verse, people began to stand up. By the last chorus, we were all linked hand-in-hand and many of us were balling our eyes out. It was an incredible experience.

God be with you till we meet again;
When life’s perils thick confound you,
Put his arms unfailing round you.
God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;
Keep love’s banner floating o’er you;
Smite death’s threat’ning wave before you.
God be with you till we meet again.

Till we meet, till we meet,
Till we meet at Jesus’ feet,
Till we meet, till we meet,
God be with you till we meet again.

The last thought we heard last night before we decided we needed to leave to get home to our children was at a "Family Fellowship" meeting (a support group for members of the church with gay family members). A few parents were paying tribute to their gay sons and daughters. The love they showed was incredible. The mother that was speaking right before we left said something to the affect of "Many say that they are against gay marriage because it is a moral issue. But I have a different idea of what is immoral. I believe it is immoral to push gay people to the point of suicide. I believe it is immoral for me NOT to stand up for the rights of my gay child."

Amen to that.

I believe that I am following the right path. Peace is a sweet feeling.

X-Men quote to note

Deep thought from a night watching X2 with the family:

NightCrawler (the blue teleporting guy with a tail), who has had to live his life either in the circus or hiding in an abandoned church because of the way he looks, approaches Mystique (the blue shape-shifting lady) to ask her some questions:

NightCrawler: “Excuse me. They say you can imitate anybody. Even their voice.”

Mystique: (echoing NightCrawler’s voice) “Even their voice.”

NightCrawler: “Then why not stay in disguise all the time? You know, look like everyone else?”

Mystique: “Because we shouldn’t have to.”

Pioneers, Charity, and Forgiveness

I really enjoyed church yesterday. We went to bed pretty late, and so I assumed that I would be nodding off throughout the three hours of meetings, but I didn't.

In sacrament meeting, the talks were on pioneers. The first speaker actually referred to pioneers in the sense that we can all be pioneers, based on the definition "one who is first or among the earliest in any field of inquiry, enterprise, or progress". As she spoke, I thought of the book No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons around our gay loved ones, and how Carol Lynn Pearson uses the "pioneer" theme in her book. Some people have said that Scott and I (and others of you, as well) are pioneers when it comes to attitudes in the church regarding gay issues. The other talk was about the actual pioneers that we think of in July, and I am always intrigued listening to pioneer stories, reminded of the faith and sacrifices and suffering of the early members of the church. I could never have handled the things they had to go through.

In Sunday School there was an interesting discussion about unrighteous dominion (D&C 121:39--“almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, … will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion”) and Scott found it very ironic when someone commented that we (as the church or members of the church) should not force our religious beliefs on others. Huh, imagine that. Also, the teacher spoke a lot about pride and of not judging others. I thought it was a very nice lesson.

In Relief Society, the lesson was on charity, and it was exactly what I needed.

I have been losing my temper a lot lately, and all it accomplishes is hurting me and those I love, and nothing else. I was frustrated with my children a lot last week (how many weeks until school starts again? :), and Scott had to come home to an ornery and crying wife every night! I also was offended over something that happened with regards to Scott's family (specifically, plans that were made with out of town family members in which we were not invited, and my children were sad that they will not be spending more time with their cousins this week.) The icing on the cake was another major blow-up with a Moho friend, and I fear that this time there is no hope of repair.

The entire lesson was wonderful, about service and Christ-like love for others, but a scripture on charity in Moroni 7:45 and one final quote, really got to me.

"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

******

Elder Marvin J. Ashton beautifully observed: “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.” (from “The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign, May 1992, 19)

Sometimes I am able to really nail the hymns I choose to go with the lesson, and the songs were very touching to me this time. The third verse of "Each Life That Touches Ours for Good" really hit home.

(Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no. 293)

1. Each life that touches ours for good
Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;
Thou sendest blessings from above
Thru words and deeds of those who love.

2. What greater gift dost thou bestow,
What greater goodness can we know
Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.

3. When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.

4. For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
Devotion to the Savior’s name,
Who bless our days with peace and love,
We praise thy goodness, Lord, above.

I hope and pray that my Heavenly Father will help me to do better, but I also recognize that He is pleased with me for my efforts, and I am grateful that I can be forgiven of the things I said in the heat of the moment. I just hope that someday this friend can forgive me as well.

For the closing song, we sang "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief", no.29. I was sad that we did not have time to sing the whole thing, so we sang verses 1, 2 and 7. Verse 7 really touched my heart as we sang (as it does every time I sing it or hear it).

1. A poor, wayfaring Man of grief
Hath often crossed me on my way,
Who sued so humbly for relief
That I could never answer nay.
I had not pow’r to ask his name,
Whereto he went, or whence he came;
Yet there was something in his eye
That won my love; I knew not why.

2. Once, when my scanty meal was spread,
He entered; not a word he spake,
Just perishing for want of bread.
I gave him all; he blessed it, brake,
And ate, but gave me part again.
Mine was an angel’s portion then,
For while I fed with eager haste,
The crust was manna to my taste.

7. Then in a moment to my view
The stranger started from disguise.
The tokens in his hands I knew;
The Savior stood before mine eyes.
He spake, and my poor name he named,
“Of me thou hast not been ashamed.
These deeds shall thy memorial be;
Fear not, thou didst them unto me.”

Saturday night, other MoHo friends dropped in to visit, and they were a God-send. I felt so much better after talking to them and spending some fun time with them. I have always found that God is mindful of each of us, and even when times are hard, there are methods to the madness, and something else will be better because of it. I am reminded of the quote from The Sound of Music: "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." I have found this to be so true throughout my life.

Thank you for sticking with me through this rambling post. It has helped me to work through some thoughts and feelings, which I am sure will help to heal my heart.

Anniversary

Scott posted this week about the anniversary of his first blog post. Well, now it is my turn to recognize another significant first anniversary--it was one year ago today that Scott lead me to our room, No More Goodbyes in hand, and told me he needed to talk to me. It was one year ago today that I saw, for the first time ever, his inability to speak to me because he was so nervous to do so. It was one year ago today that I cried through the night, wondering who this man was that lay beside me, and wondering if my marriage was over, if I was soon to become a divorce statistic that I thought could never possibly ever happen to me.

But it was one year ago today that I embarked on a journey, my eyes opened to a world I didn't know existed, one of tears and joy and friends and more swearing (oops!). It was one year ago today that my relationship with Scott began to blossom, that we both became unafraid to talk to each other about anything, that we began to more fully tolerate and accept each other's faults and embrace each other's strengths, that our intimacy became more honest and meaningful instead of frustrating and ignored.

Yesterday, I was mourning the frustration of one of the outcomes of the last year--estrangement from some family members. Scott apologized for pulling me and the kids into this mess. And yet, as I think about it now, the relationships that are still the most strained are the ones that already were. Not much has really changed; we just have something to blame it on now.

But it truly has been the best year of my life in many ways. I still have much to learn and many ideas to work through and understand, but I do know a few things for sure:

1. Scott and I have a relationship that can endure anything, it seems. I pray that God will keep us on a path that includes staying together.

2. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true, but the organized LDS church is far from being flawless, and just like each of us, it has its strengths and weaknesses and is evolving, hopefully eventually for the better, one victory or mistake at a time. I cannot give up on it, because my testimony is too strong and there is so much that is good and right in the church.

3. Love is the greatest commandment we have been given: loving others without judgment, loving and accepting ourselves. And deep, lasting love can happen between two people of the same gender just like it can between one man and one woman. I grew up thinking it was sin, and now I know it is love, nothing more, nothing less. Just two people loving each other and wanting nothing more than to be together for this life, and hopefully forever. The spirit testifies this to me and I refuse to believe that I am deceived. And so I will continue to fight for gay rights, for gay marriage, and to believe that this "sin" is not a sin, regardless of what I have been taught and regardless of what the church that I love and cling to continues to teach.

In honor of this anniversary, Scott and I now have matching CTL rings as a reminder that we will always choose to love.

Thank you for being a part of my journey. Thank you for being patient with my emotions, my venting, my exploration of all things gay. Thank you for choosing to love, for if you continue to read my blog, then I believe you are making an effort to love.

And now for something completely different, here are some of my favorite pearls of wisdom from Dumbledore in the Harry Potter books by J.K. Rowling:
(Yes, I had way too much fun googling Dumbledore yesterday :-)

• People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
• The truth is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with caution.
• It is my belief... that the truth is generally preferable to lies.
• It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.
• It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
• We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided. Lord Voldemort's gift for spreading discord and enmity is very great. We can fight it only by showing an equally strong bond of friendship and trust. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.
• Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.
• Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike ...We wizards have mistreated and abused our fellows for too long, and we are now reaping our reward.
• Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human … the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength.
• The best of us must sometimes eat our words.
• Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

Here is to the years to come, to forgiveness and truth, to love and friendship, to suffering and making difficult choices, and to turning on the light!

Gay literary characters

This is a post I have been meaning to write for a while. At the end of May, I finished reading the fourth Fablehaven book by Brandon Mull. I've always liked to read, but I don't read nearly as much as I used to, and about the only thing that keeps my interest is fantasy, and I haven't even read much of that; just Harry Potter, Fablehaven, Ender's Game and Twilight recently; Lord of the Rings a few years back, and of course books like A Wrinkle in Time and The Chronicals of Narnia as a child/adolescent.

Anyway, one thing that I have thought about over the last year is a conversation that happened at a Relief Society book group gathering about 2 years ago. It was only a few months following the release of the final Harry Potter book, and a discussion started about how J.K. Rowling had announced that Dumbledore was gay. Our discussion consisted of things like, "I love Dumbledore, but why did she have to do that?" and "Okay, fine, if she intends for him to be gay. But why bother telling us?" At that point in my life, I viewed homosexuality as more of a choice, and I honestly agreed with the other sisters in my ward with this disappointing announcement. In fact, I believe I was the one that said, "why bother telling us?" and interestingly enough, that is the same response Scott received from his little brother and other members of his family when he came out last year. Interesting how life and attitudes can change so quickly.

Now, as I think about it, wow... yes, I have always loved Dumbledore. And now, gay guys are my favorite people in the whole world! I don't mean to stereotype here, but all of our gay Mormon friends are so kind and sensitive and intelligent and philosophical and amazing, all qualities that I would also use to describe Dumbledore!

I guess for a lot of you that have been out longer than Scott, this is old news, but here is what my research today found.

October 2007

Question asked in an interview with J.K. Rowling. The answer given by the author elicited a huge reaction and prolonged ovation.

Did Dumbledore, who believed in the prevailing power of love, ever fall in love himself?

My truthful answer to you... I always thought of Dumbledore as gay. [ovation.] ... Dumbledore fell in love with Grindelwald, and that that added to his horror when Grindelwald showed himself to be what he was. To an extent, do we say it excused Dumbledore a little more because falling in love can blind us to an extent? But, he met someone as brilliant as he was, and rather like Bellatrix he was very drawn to this brilliant person, and horribly, terribly let down by him. Yeah, that's how I always saw Dumbledore. In fact, recently I was in a script read through for the sixth film, and they had Dumbledore saying a line to Harry early in the script saying I knew a girl once, whose hair... [laughter]. I had to write a little note in the margin and slide it along to the scriptwriter, "Dumbledore's gay!" [laughter] If I'd known it would make you so happy, I would have announced it years ago!

What a sweet response from the audience! Imagine if the interview were in front of a largely LDS audience. Instead of ovation and laughter, there would have been stunned, awkward silence, I bet! At least, that is the way I would have reacted two years ago.

I think I need to re-read the Harry Potter books with this new information in mind, or at the very least, the last book.

Anyway, back to Fablehaven: Secrets of the Dragon Sanctuary. One of my students loaned me the book a week after it was released (so, end of March, beginning of April). I rather liked book 1 and book 3, and book 2 was okay, but for some reason, every time I tried to read book 4, I fell asleep. I don't know why...I don't think the story line was any less interesting. But I had to finish the book and return it to the student before school was over, so I forced myself to keep reading. Toward the end of the book, a new character and hero is revealed, and after that, I had no trouble staying interested in the book.

If you plan to, but have not read the book, this is possibly somewhat of a spoiler...

Anyway, I don't know if it is just me seeing the world through rainbow-colored glasses lately, but I swear the author purposely gave this character gay characteristics, which surprised me, with Brandon Mull being LDS and all... (there I go stereotyping again, Mormons this time).

What do you think? Here are a few excerpts about this character, Raxtus, who is a dragon...

Its gleaming armor of silvery white scales reflected a flimmering rainbow sheen... (page 401)

********

"There are no other dragons like me," Raxtus admitted. "See, when I was still in my egg, a cockatrice got into the nest...but some fairies intervened and rescued me. ...I was incubated and hatched by fairy magic, and I came out . . . unique."

"You're beautiful," Kendra admired. "And nice."

The dragon gave a snuffling, annoyed laugh. "I get that a lot. I'm the pretty dragon. The funny dragon. Problem is, dragons are supposed to be fearsome and awe-inspiring. Not witty. Being the funny dragon is like being the bald mammoth. Being the pretty dragon is like being the ugly fairy. Get it?"

"You get teased?"

"I wish I only got teased! Mocked would be more accurate. Scorned. Berated. Shunned..." (page 405)

"My dad is Celebrant the Just. He's basically the king of dragons. The biggest, the stongest, the best. And I am his greatest disappointment. Raxtus the fairy dragon."

*********

"I'm barely half a dragon, Kendra. The rest of me is glitter and fairy dust."

*********

"Can you turn into a human?" Kendra wondered.

"Like an avatar? A human version of myself? Not really. I mean, I've tried. But it doesn't work out well. I can't manage to look like a person...I look like a boy fairy with butterfly wings."

Anyway, I could keep going, but I think you get the idea. What do you think? This dragon ends up being the hero of the story, and it is awesome! It almost makes up for another part of the story that is incredibly disappointing.

Does anyone happen to know Brandon Mull personally at all? Did he intend to potray gay men in a good light with the addition of this character? I am tempted to email him and ask him...

Regardless, though, I was pleased. What a difference authors of popular young adult fiction like this can make with gay characters in their books. I applaud them.

Thoughts to Ponder

I had an great conversation with a cousin this week as our children played together. She and her family stopped attending church about five years ago due to their own issues with church policies and subsequent disagreements over such with local leaders (not gay related, but liberal thinking). I was sad to find out that her husband's family have reacted much worse to them leaving the church than Scott's family has reacted to our changes in thinking. It is very sad that stalwart members of the church that call themselves by the name of Christ would forgo inviting family to events like Thanksgiving and Christmas over something like church attendance.

She has an awesome quote from Galileo on the wall in her home:

“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.”

She pointed it out to me in response to my telling her about a talk at the recent women's conference in my stake. I also mentioned the talk to my sister today, who is a very active member of the church with a strong testimony. Her response: false doctrine. As members of the church, we are not to act as sheep, following blindly to whatever our leaders ask of us.

So where has this attitude come from? And how do we know that the leaders of the church are not wolves in sheep's clothing leading us astray unless we pray about it, seek the guidance of the spirit, and follow what the Lord would have us do?

How many of the rules and regulations that we follow as members of the church are truly inspired? Either my mom or Scott told me once that the reason coffee was against the word of wisdom is that Brigham Young thought it was too expensive, and so it was on a list of things that they should not purchase to bring across the plains with them. So thus it was banned. I have no idea if this is really true or not, but it is interesting.

Another thing that Scott has found interesting lately is tithing. Tithing began in the early church as an easier law following the law of consecration. It started as 10% of ones surplus after living expenses, not 10% of gross income. That changed with Lorenzo Snow when the church was in need of finances for building temples, etc. But I believe the church is no longer in need of all the tithing income they bring in, especially if they can spare so much of it for funding things like campaigns against gay marriage. For some people, they can barely live on the income they bring in without paying tithing, so paying 10% on their gross income is a harder law than the law of consecration. 10% of someone's increase, or extra money after necessary bills are paid, makes much more sense, doesn't it? Something I will have to ponder and pray about, I think.

Hmmm. The gospel is true. The purpose of the church is to help us live the gospel, and I suppose also to obtain the necessary ordinances. But if it gets to the point that the church is not the best thing to help us live the gospel, then is it better to leave and find our own way of living as Christ would have us live?

Wouldn't it be better as leaders and members of the church if we paid more attention to love and service than to rules and regulations?

No, I have no plans to leave the church, but who knows what the future might bring.  I only pray that my future path will be the one that God wants me to follow.

Discusion 1: Unified in a plan

As you know, we have been discussing how fun it would be to have a MoHo ward, and wondering if we could do so virtually. Also, we have discussed having some sort of Family Home Evening type of gathering in our home once a month or so.

I'm afraid we have been too busy working in our yard and (for me) wrapping up the school year, so we have not made any definite plans yet for the latter.

However, it occurred to me the other day that we often discuss gospel topics through commenting on each others' blogs. I have a couple of gospel topics that I have wanted to present to this community for comment, and so I am going to start with those and we can get a virtual Sunday School class started right here!

So don't be shy! Give your first impression, or ponder it first and then post later, or think about it and keep your thoughts to yourself. But like a regular Sunday School class, I hope we can all benefit from each others' thoughts and experiences.

I would like to start with a quote from George Q. Cannon.

Several months ago in Sunday School (I believe it was in October or November, right around the time of the election, and we were studying the Book of Mormon)--I don't even remember what we were discussing--someone summarized the quote I am about to share with you. I asked him more about the quote right after class, and the following week he brought a copy of the quote for me to have.

Here it is. What do you think? What comes to your mind? How does this quote apply to your own ward or stake or the church in general?

"It is better to carry out a plan that is not so wise, if you are united on it. Speaking generally, a plan or a policy that may be inferior in some respects is more effective if men are united upon it than a better plan would be upon which they were divided...When they carry that counsel out unitedly...God will supplement [their] weakness by His strength." (Gospel Truth, pp. 207-8.)

I personally, of course, thought of the church's involvement in Proposition 8 in CA, and the division that it has caused amongst the members of the church. Please enlighten me with your own thoughts!

(Speaking of Proposition 8, tomorrow is the big day, isn't it? I wonder what will happen. Whatever decision is made, it will be huge either way, and will lead to greater efforts by gay rights activists, don't you think? Somehow I believe that gay marriage will not be illegal forever in CA, regardless of what happens right now.

I do believe that God has a hand in it, and I pray that a decision will be made according to his will at this time, whatever it may be.)

Okay, sorry for the tangent (I am a math teacher after all, and tangents come naturally :) ... but what do you think of the quote?

Serenity

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
~Reinhold Niebuhr

Saturday I attended a family bridal shower, and this quote was hanging on the wall in the restroom of my cousin' s home. I've decided it needs to be my motto, given the turmoil I have felt over the last few weeks.

Earlier in the week, when I was in church melt-down mode, I thought Scott and I decided that we would skip our 9 am sacrament meeting (So that we could have more Easter-morning time as a family, maybe watch that church DVD on Christ that was in the Ensign a few years ago. Also, it was our fast and testimony meeting and I really was not in the mood to listen to people say how glad they are to have prophets to follow when the world is such a scary place. My brain always reads certain things into comments like that, assuming the person is automatically thinking about gay marriage in particular.) I knew the kids would want to go to primary and Young Womens, and I needed to go fulfill my calling in Relief Society.

Then Saturday night Scott said the only meeting he was willing to go to was Sacrament meeting. So, we decided to go for the whole block of meetings, and Scott planned to sit in the foyer while he waited for the rest of us. (Ever since a comment was made in EQ the week of the "apostasy" lesson about Prop 8 and "that persuasion" of people, he has refused to attend. I can't say I blame him.)

Sacrament meeting wasn't bad. I honestly didn't listen much, because I was chosing songs for Relief Society and dealing with children who always fight over me. One man in our ward spoke about Elder Holland's talk and how good it made him feel to realize that Christ knows what it feels like to be totally and completely alone.

That is the one talk that stood out in my mind last week. Elder Holland wins again for giving the talk that impressed me the most (6 months ago it was his talk on Angels). I thought of many of my young friends who always say how alone they feel. They don't feel like they can marry someone of the opposite gender, and if they want to stay in the church, then they can't seek the companionship of someone of the same gender, so they resign themselves to the depressing thought of always being alone, or the thought of seeking companionship and thus being separated from church and God, and thus being alone in another way. Such a struggle. I wish I knew what to say. Actually, this make's me think of John's blog post, "Interviews with Christ." Check it out if you haven't already. In my heart I feel like he has hit the nail on the head. He talks about how everyone has to seek the path that is best for them and then live the best they can.

Anyway, child #3 ended up wanting to go home after Testimony meeting, so I ran Scott and the child home, and returned partway through Sunday School. Not wanting to interrupt the meeting and sit by myself, I sat in the foyer and started reading general conference talks from last week on my phone.

Jacob, who you might know as a reader of my blog, came in the door while I was sitting there (he had run home for a minute as well). He was very kind as he sat down and talked to me, knowing how I have been feeling this week. He seemed glad to see me at church, at the very least, and was so non-judgemental of my struggle. I was glad that he did not ignore me, but took the time to acknowledge and check on me. He wished me luck and said he would be thinking of me when I told him that my "favorite teacher" would be giving the lesson. (I have not attended a lesson of hers since...December, I think. And of course January's was the one I was blessed to miss.)

I was just kind of blah throughout the day. During Relief Society I listened when something peaked my interest, and otherwise went back to reading from last week's conference talks. The teacher acknowleged and thanked me for the songs I chose that went so well with the lesson. She is such a kind and loving person, full of compassion, and I felt of her sincere desire to reach out to me and let me know of her gratitude.

I did jot down a few notes during the lesson for blogging purposes:

• Someone mentioned Zion's camp, and how the men did not accomplish what they had in mind, but God did accomplish what he wanted--a learning experience for the leaders of His church.

I thought of how we must have faith, that God sometimes works in mysterious ways to accomplish his goals. I mentioned this in my interview for the documentary, that some may find my opinion blasphemous, but perhaps the reason God wanted the church to be involved in the Prop. 8 campain was to help give the gay-rights movement a boost that they would not have had otherwise. It has brought the topic to the front of discussions, which is where it needs to be if anything is going to change. Scott and I have wondered how the timing in our lives fits into this big picture. Why was Scott able to come to terms with his same-sex attraction right when the church was in the middle of this politcal battle? We feel there has to be a reason for the timing for us.

• The teacher presented this quote from the lesson (and Joseph Smith), just as the children in the primary room next to us began to sing "I'll walk with you" : I am a lover of the cause of Christ and virtue, chastity, and an upright steady course of conduct, and a holy walk.

What kind of walk is a holy walk, and does it have anything to do with walking with those who are not like us, like the song speaks of? I believe so. The timing of the song and the quote was perfect for my thoughts.

• The teacher spoke of how God expects us to be the best "us" that we can be, and not compare ourselves to others.
  

Boy, isn't that exactly what I need to do right now. I don't need to be like the "perfect" women in the ward, but I don't need to change who they are, either. All I need to be is myself, the best me that I can be. I need "...the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

• She also mentioned Elder Holland's talk, and gave some sweet examples of past events in her own life, when she has felt the help of her own father from beyond the veil.

I was reminded of sweet moments last summer when I too, felt help from beyond the veil, from Scott's mother whom I have never met. I was reminded of my blessings and the angels in my life.

• Some of her final words were the thoughts that no one is brought back to the gospel by condemnation, but there is also a fine line between standing up for what we know is right and compassion for others.

Is it possible that somehow those words were meant for me from her personally, letting me know that she did not mean to condemn me, but only that she was standing up for right, and was learning to find that fine line between doing so and also letting me know of her love and compassion for me? I don't know, but her words were tender and heartfelt.

Wow, yesterday during the lesson I was blah. Being at church was blah. I did not feel inspired to stay active in the church, but I was not miserable either. I did felt inclined, or maybe inspired to write down some notes, and now as I blog through and analyze the notes, I am truly touched that God is mindful of me, that the sisters in my ward truly do love me (which I already knew, but was being too prideful to recognize their efforts ).

I don't think it is time to give up yet. There is peace and serenity from church attendance, even if it doesn't come until the following day. :)