Must-have book!

A gay Mormon friend of ours is doing amazing things. He has started a discussion group at BYU to help people better understand "Same Gender Attraction". Now he has asked many of us to contribute stories to a book, and it just became available on Amazon this week.



I have not yet read every story, but the ones I have read have been extremely touching. The forward was written by our friend's mother, and it is amazing! Then Brent has included a well-written introduction, as well as his own story. Scott and I have contributed to the book, as well as many others of our friends.

If you are looking for something to help family and friends in the LDS church better understand this issue and how it affects individuals and families, then this book is a must-have!

I want 50 copies to give to family and ward members. But alas, I have not the funds to do so. I guess I will buy a few to loan out, or feel free to follow the link above and purchase your own.

Love is the answer

Sorry this post has been so long in coming...it is about the day I started back to church after a month off, March 21,2010. My goal was to stay the whole time (whether I went to my classes or not) so that my kids would stay.


As I took a shower that morning, I found myself actually looking forward to going, not dreading or nervous for it like I had been for the weeks and months previous to my break.

The kids of course had taken a bit of a break, too, so it was somewhat a struggle to get them up and going.


I turned on "Music and the spoken word" to play in the background while we got ready. I wasn't really paying attention until Lloyd Newel began one of his final message on the program. It was about delighting in the happiness and success of others, even if that success sometimes comes at the cost of our own. An example was shared of a high school girl who called another one to congratulate her for being the valedictorian of their class. The girl who called was second place, and there was only one valedictorian. Instead of mourning her own loss, she rejoiced in the other girl's success.

***

I really enjoyed Sacrament Meeting. The speakers consisted of two sisters from new part of ward. I don't know anything about their current situations with their spouses, but if they have spouses, they weren't there speaking with them.

The first spoke mostly of her life, her childhood, her siblings, her participation in the Hill Cumorah pagent. Her mission call, which she ended up trading for marriage in the SL temple, her 5 children, sadness in her life losing her dad, then losing her mom. She spoke of each of her 5 children, what they are all doing now. She then added something about their family now being a little bit broken, but how they are still an eternal family. While she was speaking, I felt impressed that I should get to know her better.


The text for the second speaker's talk came from President Eyring in last October's conference, from his talk "Our Perfect Example". Here are Some of the main things I remember, that impressed me the most:

Words from the primary song "I'm Trying to be like Jesus."

"...I'm trying to love as he did in all that I do and say....Love one another as Jesus love you, try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught."

Elder Eyring's message was a simple one of love, "Love is the motivating principle by which the Lord leads us along the way towards becoming like Him [the Savior], our perfect example...Love of others is at the heart of our capacity to obey Him."

"The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own."

As she continued to speak about his talk, the words clicked for me and how I should handle the stresses of my life right now. Instead of being frustrated and swayed by others telling me how selfish Scott appears to be, I felt strongly that I just need to love him, and try putting his happiness above my own, even though it seems to many that I shouldn't have to. Don't the scriptures tell us to work on improving ourselves before telling others how they should improve?

Elder Eyring mentions the inscription on a gravestone at a cemetery near his home that says, "Please, no empty chairs." He points out the word "please" and how we Can't force anyone's choices.

I loved his council to husbands and wives, and the words filled my heart with peace: "Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion's joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."

He continues to give advice to parents, to children, to those who have adopted other people's families as if they were their own. I thought of our many friends, friends that we are currently closer to than to our own extended families, my love for them, my excitement for them as they find love and make plans to "marry", or at least in Utah, to "commit" to each other. Is the love I feel for them not the same Christ-like love that this whole talk is about?

His final message in the talk: "I hope you will go out today looking for opportunities to do as He did and to love as He loves. I can promise you the peace that you felt as a child will come to you often and it will linger with you. The promise is true that He made to His disciples: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you." (John 14:27)"

So, if I pray for love, love like the Savior, and put the happiness of my spouse above my own, I will find peace? That is my interpretation, and it sounds like a good plan to me. I seem to remember the speaker mentioning a line from the talk that says Some of us are blessed with love that grows when we need it the most. I have faith that I can be blessed with the love I need right now to get through everything.

***

Following Sacrament meeting, I walked my children to their classes, and then I saw the lady who had spoken first. We had a heartfelt conversation as I learned a bit more about her situation, and I told her a bit about my struggles. We embraced, and I realized that there are a lot of people in the ward that I don't even really know yet that have a lot to offer to me and my family. I hope opportunities will come for me to get to know them better.

I proceeded outside to the back lawn. The weather was gorgeous, sunny and warm with a slight breeze. I had snacks to nibble on and a new book to read...

...and now the story of the book...

A few days earlier, I received an email at school. The time on the email was 1:30 a.m. I got the impression it was from a parent, but it didn't say much. All it said was "Please call me at your earliest convenience" and then included a name and phone number. Based on my experience with parents last year, I was nervous that somehow information about my personal life or views had ticked someone off again, although I have been really careful this year not to talk to my classes and students about it. Still, I knew there were rumors circulating from the year before.

Following my two classes that morning, at the beginning of my lunch, I called the number. The man who answered was very friendly and excited that I had called him back, he made sure that I had some time to talk (that I wasn't in the middle of a class or anything) and then he became awkward as he told me that he was the father of one of my students, that he had given me a fake name to protect his daughter's identity because she begged him not to talk to me, that his daughter had told him I was going through some personal struggles, and that he was embarrassed to talk to me about it because he didn't know if it was true or not, but that he could not sleep the night before thinking about me and the possibility of what I was going through.

He then shared with me that he has had homosexual feelings, and that decisions he made previously in his life were really hard on his wife and children. But he found his way back, and he wrote a book about his experience that he wanted to share with me, and that his main message to me was that no matter what happens, no matter what decisions my husband makes, I will be okay. Everything will be okay. I can call and talk to him or his wife any time. "Can I bring you the book? You are in room number ###. right?"

I cried as he spoke, then I went to lunch, in awe of what appeared to be God's tender mercies and this time a parent that was going to be an angel of sorts rather than a trial like last year.

At the beginning of my next class, I was wandering the classroom, collecting papers and helping students with the starting activity when I realized someone peaking in the door. This man and his wife were there with a book and a vase of flowers. They both hugged me and reminded me that I would be okay and that I could call them any time. There was a sweet spirit in their presence--one of love and deep concern, not of judgement or advice or anything like that.

Thus I had this book, and I finally had time to start reading it. I read a few full chapters, then skimmed, and read some more. It didn't take long for me to realize that I disagree with this man in a lot of ways, mainly with the last chapter and gay-rights issues. But it didn't bother me, because the tone of the book was wonderful. It was not preachy, but rather just as he says on the back cover: "Although the solutions for each person who is sruggling with unwanted behaviors will be different, my hope is that my story will encourage you to never give up, always dream and contemplate what seems impossible, and continue to seek solutions to life's most difficult challeges."

Another thing I really liked about it is that even though he is LDS, he does not mention it. He talks about his religion and how it influenced his struggles, both in the guilt he felt and in having God's help with the decisions he eventually made, but the denomination of the church itself was never mentioned.

I want to share a few quotes from the book about his wife, for they are what touched me the most...

From the dedication of the book, which is dedicated to his wife, he says...

"I dedicate this book to my beautiful wife. She has walked this long journey with me for many years...Her only concern has been what is best for me. My sincere wish for the world is that all people could have a spouse (or family members) as understanding, compassionate, and who posses the ability to love unconditionally as my sweet wife has been able to do."

"My sweet companion willingly stepped back and allowed me to make my own decisions in this journey we call life. She has always accepted the fact that this was a risk and that there were no guarantees. She just did it. And now, we are reaping the rewards of her unconditional dedication, loyalty and love."

Later in the book he says, "In the forthcoming years, she had some very difficult days and seemingly insurmountable decisions to make."

He quotes from her journal, "I am very sad at this time. I have been married for many years and have two marvelous children, and I have a great husband, but he has a problem...He is a great father for our children, but as a husband he is making decisions that are destroying our marriage. At this time he is only thinking of himself and what he wants without thinking of the damage he is causing me and the children. I love [him] ... but I don't know to what point I can endure this. This is very difficult for me! I am very sad and I think a lot about him. I know I need to remain calm, just live my life and be strong for my children. I pray that the Lord would bless him with His spirit that as he decides what to do, he might be able to remember the pain I am feeling. I hope he is able to put more emphasis on the most important thing, our family."

The following quotes come from a chapter titled "Love and its incredible power"

"As I felt the power of my wife's unconditional love, I was then able to begin to express myself and figure out what was happening within my mind...my sweet wife naturally comes with a very unconditional loving heart...she repeatedly forgave me each time I failed. "Hatred tears down, but understanding builds up" (Howard W. Hunter).

"My wife was able to work through the hatred she felt for my situation, and began to understand my pain. By so doing, we were able to find enough strength to focus on commonalities instead of the differences we felt. Because we were both willing to discuss the issues and never stop trying to figure out the huge puzzle, we ultimately were able to turn this very negative situation into a very positive success story."

Now that I read over these quotes again, a month later, I wonder if I am placing too much hope in them. It still feels right, however, to focus on loving him and rejoicing in his happiness, rather than getting angry and throwing him out so that I don't have to deal with it any more.

I have shared a bit about our situation with three friends (staff members) at school. Two of them immediately reacted with how selfish Scott is. So I was afraid to tell the third. She knew I was avoiding talking to her about it. When I finally did, though, I included telling her about the parents and the book they brought to me. She became emotional and told me that she felt like I was taking the right path with the situation, although not the easy one.

I have felt bad that it has taken me so long to write this post, but it has been good for me to mingle the memories of the peace that this Sabath day in March brought to me with the mixture of other emotions I have been feeling over the last month--sadness, anger, frustration, depression. I am sure that things will continue to feel like a rollar coaster for a long time, especially for the next couple of months until the baby comes. But I need to remember this post and these feelings and allow peace to fill my heart. Not an easy task at all, I must say. But maybe, just maybe, within the realm of possibility.

Homosexuality is like lice

Scott and I were just discussing the similarities between how people react when they find out someone is gay compared to finding out that someone has lice. One of our children has had lice this past week, and it has been interesting to observe the attitudes of others as we have shared this news with them.

This son had a birthday party (slumber party) to go to, and so I told the mother of his lice just in case, even though we combed through his hair carefully before he went and were pretty confident that there was nothing on his head to contaminate anyone else. The mother did not mind at all. She said that she has worked in group homes, and that lice come and go frequently, and it was no big deal to her.

Meanwhile, family that we were going to spend the weekend with to watch conference at a family condo were not sure they wanted us to come, because they were afraid of catching the lice or maybe thought that the condo would be infested with lice that would then become a burden for everyone in the family.

********

Before Scott came out to me and I read No More Goodbyes, I had very little understanding of homosexuality; it is hard to really remember how I felt about it because I wasn't aware at the time of how I was feeling. But I have been able to observe the reaction of others to Scott this past year, as well as hear many stories of how families and friends reacted to others' coming out. Often there is a lack of education and understanding, a fear and judging and making assumptions, etc.

Likewise, when I have heard about families with lice, I think I have been concerned about staying away from them to prevent catching it. But now that it is my own child with lice, he is my son, and I can't banish him from the house or stop hugging him just because I am afraid of catching lice. Instead, Scott and I have been learning everything we can in order to understand it and take care of our family.

So, we now have the unique opportunity to learn all about lice, about how it prefers clean hair, about how it is harder to catch than you might think (like mostly transferred by head to head contact rather than off of objects, since lice can survive for at most 48 hours when not on a human host.) About how it is not essential to bag up all stuffed animals and pillows for 2 weeks, about how vacuuming is better than poisonous sprays on furniture and carpet. You get the picture.

Because of people's misconceptions and misunderstanding (because they are uneducated on matters of lice), they let prejudice and fear influence judgments and assumptions against even people that they love.

Sound familiar?

(Of course there is the obvious difference that lice actually can be caught, as opposed to other things like homosexuality that aren't contagious, even though some people believe otherwise :-).

******************

Lice remind me of my favorite story from the book The Hiding Place. (For anyone who hasn't read it, I highly recommend it.) In a nutshell, it is the true story of two Christian women in a concentration camp during WWII that secretly read their bible together every day. One day they read a scripture that tells them to be grateful in all things. They start listing things that they are grateful for. One of them mentions being grateful for the lice. The lice? The other sister cannot fathom being grateful for the lice, but tries to be grateful, with her sister's encouragement to be grateful for all things. Later they find out that because of the lice, the guards were less likely to enter their building, and therefore they were able to hide their bible and read it daily without getting in trouble.

Earlier this week, the children and I recalled this story (I shared it with them in a Primary Sharing Time a few years ago right after I had read the book) and wondered if we could find a reason to be grateful for the lice. Here is what I have come up with in the days since: I am grateful for the opportunity to learn about lice. I am grateful for the motivation to give the boys needed haircuts, the motivation to be a bit more thorough in cleaning our house (especially the kids' rooms and changing their bedding). I am reminded of how grateful I am that Scott is so willing to be a good husband and father in helping with the children, for cutting their hair, for combing through everyone's heads every day, for researching and buying the best comb out there. I am also grateful that we can enjoy conference alone this weekend with Scott's parents at the family condo because everyone else is afraid to come for fear they will catch the lice! :) I am grateful that extended family has had a chance to learn more about lice, just like they have had the chance to learn more about homosexuality in the past year.


What fun thing do we get to learn about next?

Forget Regret

I had an epiphany moment today that I have to get out here...

Last week was bad. I was thinking about mistakes I've made and the resulting consequences, and the more I thought, the worse I felt. The worse I felt, the more likely I was to fall apart emotionally, yelling at family and friends, and then turning into a crying, mushy, mess because I was embarrassed for how I reacted and was convinced that I needed to be admitted to a mental institution or something. It was in this state that I hammered out my "retirement" blog post, because some of the mistakes were mentioned and continued here, and I felt like my blog was hazardous to my health and friendships.

Saturday night at our party, I seemed to be feeling a bit better, but it has all been up and down, so I am always afraid that one of my explosions is just around the corner.

With Sunday came further improvement. Sunday School was about adversity, and although I don't remember any specifics (I didn't take notes because I wasn't going to blog any more, right?), I think it was a good lesson. I was actually thumbing through the July Ensign (to seek inspiration for MoHo FHE on Saturday) and I read a sweet article about the atonement while I was listening to the lesson going on in the background. I had the impression that I needed to re-read a couple of books about the atonement, like The Peacegiver by James Ferrell and Believing Christ by Stephen Robinson.

Relief Society then confirmed that impression as the lesson was on Faith and the Atonement. I phased in and out actually listening to the lesson, but toward the end, the teacher began to get emotional and shared about being depressed during the past week, thinking about mistakes she has made in her life, and letting them make her feel worse and worse about herself. Wow, she could have been speaking for me at that moment. She mentioned how she felt that it was the work of the Adversary to make her focus on her mistakes, forgetting about the atonement and the importance of forgiving herself.

This week, both my mood and my productivity have continued to improve. Today I attended a seminar at Salt Lake Community College in preparation for the coming school year. During the "math" related part of the seminar, I thought a lot about things I do wrong as a teacher, and things I can do better. But I am tired, and it takes time and energy to change the way I teach, to try new things in an effort to improve students' learning, educational experience, and preparation for college. Yet, I was intrigued that maybe there are some things I could also change in the way I grade that could make work easier for me while also improving student motivation and responsibility. (It was like I had a "shoulder devil" vs. "angel" conversation going on in my head.)

At the end of the general session today, we had a guest speaker that focused on how important humor, laughter, and happiness are in the classroom. He read a quote that said we each have a moral obligation to those around us to be happy--and yet happiness is something I have always struggled with. As he cracked jokes, shared experiences, and talked about the importance and impact of teachers on the lives of many, many students, I had my epiphony:

"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss...No day but today."

Yes, it is a great line from a great song from Rent (which I have not seen). It invigorated me, make me feel empowered to leave my mistakes behind me as a teacher and try some new things, even if those things take energy and might even lead to more mistakes, but at least I would be trying to do better.

Thank you to this blog community, for your comments, your prayers, your emails, your chats, your phone calls, your hugs. For some reason, the adversary and his followers are working really hard on me. But you "angels" as well as unseen spirits that are looking out for me are many, and together we can win the battle.

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what's right
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal is just
To be
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today...

(Excerpts sung by Mimi in "Another Day" from Rent.)

Twilight

Against my better judgment, I just finished reading the book Twilight.

An avid reader in my ward advised against it. Her main argument is that the book is targeted at teenage girls, and although nothing immoral happens in the book, it still might give the idea that other things (like letting a boy stay in your room during the night, etc.) are harmless. I also didn’t like the fact that the main character, Bella, lied to her dad about where she was going the day she spent with Edward.

I decided I’d better read it for a couple of reasons. First, it seems that almost everyone around me has read it, and anytime I tell someone that I haven’t read it, they are shocked, and tell me I should. That includes people who read my blog responding to my Halloween photo post. Last weekend on facebook, the status of my female high school friends (so, all in their mid-30’s) said things like:

Mary is setting off to see Twilight at midnight! Mary is needing a nap. Too much movie, not enough sleep. yawn.

Brandi is excited for movie night! Brandi loved Twilight. It's not the book - but it was GREAT! Brandi is going to Twilight again tonight. Brandi loved Twilight even more the 2nd time!

Heidi is in love with Edward Cullen! He is so sexy in the movie!

I finally posted my status as

“Sarah is thinking everyone needs to get a life and stop thinking about Twilight”,

to which I then commented:

“Okay, I admit I haven't read the books, but I'm not sure I want to if they are like a drug that everyone is addicted to!”

Another friend's status read last week:

Jane is finally reading Twilight to see what all the fuss is about.

And then the next day:

Jane is finished with Twilight - the fuss is warranted.

So, I decided maybe I should do the same.

So, first, there’s all the fuss, and then second (and probably the main reason) being that our 12 year old daughter also decided she needed to read them to find out what the fuss was about. We have never been the type of parents to restrict our children’s agency on a decision like this, so based on the warning of the lady in my ward, I chose to start reading so that I could discuss them with my daughter.

Now today, I posted the following to facebook:

Sarah is spending the day reading twilight. It disgusts me that I don't want to put it down.

Jane’s comment:

You fell for the trap too, eh?

My response:

Hook, line and sinker. Before reading, I compared its affect on my friends to a drug. Now that I have finished reading, the drug has definitely pulled me in. Whatever happened to my resolve to say no to drugs? :-)

And then to another comment:

I'm afraid that I have now officially succumbed to the addiction. I just finished the first book, and I'm still in my pjs at 3 in the afternoon!

(and I am shaking because I forgot to eat lunch!...at least, that's mostly why I'm shaking...)


Lately, every time I read a book, I tend to relate it to my own life. For a while, I was on a Joseph and Emma kick. We saw the movie about Joseph at the legacy theater. We watched the new Emma movie on DVD. I started reading the book Emma by Anita Stansfield. Of course our lessons in Relief Society are all from Joseph’s life and teachings. I know it seems crazy to compare my life to that of a prophet’s wife, but some of Emma’s portrayed feelings about love and persecution and trials and the unique purpose of each person’s life really got me thinking and relating it to my own new circumstance with being married to a gay man, my feelings on the prop 8 thing, and the trials I seemed to be going through. Even little things, like Joseph’s nervousness to tell Emma about things like his vision, or later polygamy, helped me have a greater understanding of how hard and yet how necessary it was for Scott to come out to me. Also, it helped give me the determination and courage to fulfill the calling that Scott and I feel the Lord has given us (to spread understanding of what it means to be a gay Mormon) no matter how hard it may seem sometimes.

Anyway, back to Twilight and relating it to my own life. Even though Scott and my relationship is much different than Edward and Bella for obvious reasons (the main one being that he is actually attracted to her ;-), I couldn’t help but hear Scott’s voice and things he has said to me over the past couple of months in Edwards words, but relating to something completely different. Edward is amazed that Bella loves him and accepts him for who he is. And he keeps questioning why and how she could continue to love and support him, a vampire. In my world, Scott has been similarly amazed at my acceptance of him, that I love him just as much, and maybe even more, now that I understand what he is and that being gay contributes a lot to who he is.

Here are some of the passages that caught my attention:

“And you’re worried, not because you’re headed to meet a houseful of vampires, but because you think those vampires won’t approve of you, correct?”
“That’s right.”
He shook his head. “You’re incredible.”

*****************

“I was prepared to feel...relieved. Having you know about everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. But I didn’t expect to feel more than that. I like it. It makes me...happy.”

*****************

He sighed, “I keep waiting for it to happen.”
“For what to happen?”
“I know that at some point, something you see is going to be too much. And then you’ll run away from me, screaming as you go.”
“I’m not running anywhere, I promise.”

*****************

Lastly, like Bella, I beg Scott to stay and never leave me.

One day a month or so ago when I was going through a really tough time with my anxiety, I was on the phone with Scott, thanking him for his support through everything. I told him that someday, if he felt like he needed to find a more fulfilling relationship, that we could divorce if needed so that he could do so. But that I wouldn’t let him go, ever. He and his partner would just have to live with me, and that is it. :)

And I still mean it.


Do you think I have time to start reading the next book? :)

February 2009 Addendum: Kengo posted this regarding the second book, New Moon, when he was reading them recently for the first time. I had similar thoughts to his and was going to blog about it but never did. He had additional insight as well and wrote it out better than I would have, so I am just linking to it instead. :) He also has this other post about the 4th book, Breaking dawn. Interesting stuff!

"Out" at the Book Group

I did it. I suggested “No More Goodbyes” for my Relief Society book group to read.

There weren’t very many there (4 including me), and the ones that were there I was more comfortable suggesting it to, as opposed to few that weren’t there that I would have been scared to death to suggest it in their presence. One lady is very knowledgeable about books, and thought it could be a good pick for a good discussion (she hadn’t ever read a pre-reader copy she received, but had skimmed it), but was wary of Carol Lynn Pearson’s “agenda”. A discussion obviously ensued; nothing too bad, and I don’t even remember all of the details. But then when one lady (a neighbor and friend) leaned over to me after I made a comment and said “Wait until you find out there is one in YOUR family”, that was it. I got nervous, I thought of texting Scott to get his permission, I wavered for just a moment and then said, “Actually, the reason I am suggesting it is that Scott is gay.”

Wow. Shock, and love. Regret for words just said. Hugs, forgiveness for words said, and a continuing great discussion, but suddenly with a different feel to it.


A main topic of conversation was how best for Scott to come out to the ward. One (the hostess) thought testimony sounded good at first (if prompted after praying to do such), but then I expressed my concern of parents’ discomfort with their children present. We decided that a 5th Sunday type of meeting with just the adults, maybe led by our friend in the stake presidency, would be better.

Decision about book: probably not, maybe something a little less liberal. I am now going to read “In Quiet Desperation” so I can recommend it knowing first hand that it would be worthwhile. I personally really liked NMG as you all know, but am realizing more and more that maybe it is not for everyone (or at least not right now). My friend did, however, take my copy of NMG home with her to read.

Anyway, then I had to come home and break the news to Scott. He was fine with it, but we are now realizing that very soon, this being “out” thing is going to take on a life of its own.

An inspired visitor at school

The Monday before school started, I went into school to start working on putting my classroom together. I was not required to be there that day, but chose to go and get a jump-start on things.

When I got there, I realized I was not the only one with the same idea. I went into the classroom of one of my coworkers to welcome him back from summer. We talked about some of the exciting events of his summer break, and then the customary question came to me. “How was your summer?” This wasn’t the first time I had been asked this question. To some people I have been able to respond “Good, yours?” but mostly I have just been responding, “Interesting. It has been an interesting summer.” Depending on the person, they kind of give me a look like they would love to hear more, but then don’t pursue it when I say nothing more. This reaction was not the case here. Upon my response, this fellow teacher more or less insisted that I tell him more. I felt prompted to do so, and our conversation has been mentioned a few times in my other posts. He responded wonderfully and gave me some great things to think about how I was prepared by the Lord for this time in my life.

Then, later the same day, a student from last year came in to visit me. She had a gift bag in her hand to give to me. I told her she was lucky I was there as I was not required to be there. She indicated that she had come to the school on her lunch break from work specifically to see me, not knowing if I would be there or not. She was out of town the last week of school, but shortly after that decided to put a gift bag together for me, with several sundry items and two beautiful books.

Things to Do
by Sandra Magsamen
A Quiet Heart
by Patricia T. Holland

One of the books was shrink-wrapped, so she said she would not have normally purchased something like that for someone without thumbing through it first. I glanced through the books, noticed how incredibly appropriate they were for me, and then with tears starting to well up in my eyes, I thanked her and told her that she was inspired to get me the books, inspired to come see me that day in particular. I then shared with her about my summer, about my husband, about my feelings.

She then shared with me some of her story, about her favorite uncle that is gay (and has AIDS), her mother’s (and uncle’s) abusive childhood (abused by her grandmother), her mother’s decision to take the 2 children and leave her father many years ago, also due to abuse, and many other interesting twists that I did not know about her. She is an incredible girl with a strong testimony. Her brother was also one of my students and is serving a mission. I can’t imagine what her family has gone through, and yet she has turned out to be so faithful and so strong. I was grateful for her story. We learned so much from each other during that blessed visit.

I came home from the school right after that. My classroom was not as done as I wanted it to be, but my heart was full of gratitude and happiness, of an awareness of my Heavenly Father’s love and for his choice to use this young girl as one of his servants to bless my life, and I in turn to bless hers.

Why do I recommend such a painful book?

Please forgive my ramblings as I answer the following question:

Why do I recommend that others read the book No More Goodbyes by Carol Lynn Pearson?

I guess it because of the understanding that it gave me. I think back to my views on the gay thing two months ago. I would have been nodding my head in agreement with other sisters in Relief Society that made strong comments about gay marriage and gay couples adopting children.  I would be thinking that Satan is working hard to destroy the family by leading people to believe that they are gay. I would see girls holding hands in the hall and think how sad it is that kids at school are choosing to be lesbians because of the attention they get from it.

Let me share a few of my experiences with students that help me realize how far I’ve come:

A few years ago I had two male students that I was very close to. They were best friends, and I had the privilege of being their teacher all 3 years they were in high school. They seemed to enjoy telling me about their lives. We talked about great music groups (like They Might Be Giants), they told me about the girls they liked and were asking out. They gave me a Mickey Mouse trophy that says "World's Best Teacher." One of them later invited me to the temple when he took out his endowments for his mission, and I recently attended his wedding reception. The other one (who is not member of the church despite the example of his best friend) left to work at Disney World. I communicated with him via MSN messenger frequently. Then one day his alias on messenger was 2q2bstr8. I asked him what was up with his new alias, and he said he came out in October. I typed "Oh" and the conversation pretty much ended. It weirded me out. I wondered what kind of friends he had in Florida that had this influence on him. I didn't initiate chats with him anymore. He came to visit me again in my classroom about a year after that, and I was kind, but I was weird about it somehow.

I had a teacher's aide 2 years ago that was gay. He was a great TA, and I learned to be comfortable as he told me how mad he was when his car was stolen because his "clubbing pants" were in the car and stolen as well. I actually kind of enjoyed getting to know him, and even though I don’t specifically remember our conversations, I know I learned more about the gay world than I had before to that point. I guess I have become more accustomed to such students over the years, but still, I realize now that I did not really understand them.

And then the book NMG opened my eyes. I understood that it was not a choice, that it was not limited to weird teenagers seeking attention. I fear that I have had many gay LDS students that I don't even know about that were sitting in their closets, not knowing what to do or where to fit.

As I share my feelings with other teachers, I have received a much more positive response than I ever imagined. One is in his bishopric and told me of a young man in his ward that comes and shares his feelings and research with him. He also told me of his sadness that this young man was denied the chance to serve a mission because of his orientation.

Two of the teachers that I eat lunch with know Bruce Bastian (owner of Word Perfect, I think, and former member of the LDS church, and also gay, of course) from being in the same "family" with him at BYU years ago. They have been very understanding and a joy to talk to, and I think they have learned much from me regarding my dedication to my marriage and the open communication that Scott and I have.

Other teachers are loving and supportive of me, yet also willing to share their belief that God could never reveal that marriage is anything but between a man and a woman because of how it is tied to church doctrine, and because of that, their political participation in CA is justified. (That comment came from my closest friend at school last week as I shared with her my recent struggles.) I swayed the conversation another direction, but I am going to slowly share more with her. I already suggested that she read NMG, and she was open to it. Maybe next summer when we have more time, maybe sooner.

One teacher looked shocked. She didn’t understand how it was even possible for us to be married with children. I felt like she was worried about me and my marriage. She knows how emotionally weak I can be. We didn’t have much time to talk, but I quickly tried to comfort her in regards to our marriage relationship by saying that we were enjoying the men's Olympic swimming events together, LOL. I think that just shocked her even more as she thought about it and realized what I was saying.

The responses have been different, but no one yet has been negative or begun treating me differently. Many of them have assured me that they don't think any less of Scott. Last year my closest friend always told me what a wonderful husband I have any time I mentioned how involved he is in helping with the children since my job is more restrictive than his is. She hasn't changed that opinion. Maybe none of them want to risk not getting hand-dipped chocolates from us for Christmas. LOL

Anyway, sorry I am rambling through my feelings of the week, but I feel like a missionary spreading good news to my co-workers about wonderful people. I am so impressed with the MoHo bloggers. They are some of the most incredible people I have ever learned from and I am so grateful for their insights and the circle of wagons that I feel I am a part of.

I feel like a different person. I know I would have continued to love Scott without reading NMG. But I also know that I would have continued to worry about our marriage. The book helped me to let that worry come to a head and then wash away. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I don't worry about it as much anymore. I think I might even worry less about it than I did in other rough periods of our marriage. The worrying didn't go away immediately. It came from many conversations with Scott. It came from trying to help him explain to his dad why he has chosen to make no firm commitments to what the future will bring. It took a group of MoHos and their crazy and interesting and gut-wrenching blogs to help me realize that Scott and I are not alone in this. It took time and tears, but it was worth it, in hindsight.

Maybe I am different. Maybe other people would dwell on the negative "what if’s" in the book and wish they never read it. I guess it might not be the answer for everyone. But for me, I am so grateful for the education, for the enlightenment, for the chance to feel the pain of those I used to roll my eyes at. For the chance to share the love and the joy and the acceptance. For the chance to feel like I have a higher calling at school than to just teach math.

I don't think that NMG would be so effective in being a fruit of knowledge if it wasn't so blatantly and honestly painful. It is up to the individual to determine if the potential harm of reading the book is worth the possible benefits.

At some point after reading the book, I told Scott that I needed a break from everything. I needed a day when I could just stop thinking about everything, stop feeling the pain, stop obsessing about it. A miracle day where I could literally forget his news to me, forget the stories I had read and let life be back to normal.

Most of the time I don't feel that way anymore. I look forward to reading the Moho blogs and the conversations I will have with Scott each day. Right now I am struggling with putting my thoughts aside so I can focus on school. It got easier toward the end of last week. I got a lot done and I think that next week will be even easier to set thoughts aside as I am encompassed about by about 200 teenagers, names and faces to learn, a relationship of trust to build, and a journey to embark on for the next 9 months. I am excited to see if my newfound confidence boils over into my teaching, if my newfound love of a group of people I didn't understand helps me to love all of god's children, brown skinned, white skinned, shy, obnoxious, frustrating---whatever makes them who they are, with a new energy that I haven't had for a few years. To see if that love will make a difference in their lives and in their futures. So many possibilities. I am getting excited for it! Last June I dreaded that we had recently locked ourselves into a 15-year mortgage and other debt that requires me to continue working. Now I am grateful for an opportunity to serve and to grow.

As for anyone considering whether or not to read NMG, or to have their spouses or others read it, I think the answer needs to come from within the heart and from Heavenly Father, who is so mindful of each of us. Here I am crying about it, but I am often overcome with the love that I feel Heavenly Father has for ALL of His children. As for myself and the affect that NMG had on me, I am reminded of a story I’ve heard about God transforming us into mansions through painful remodeling. I’m sure the remodeling is far from done, but I can see the progress.