My brave blog friend

It's possible that all of my blog readers also read many of the blogs that I have posted links to at the left. I don't know if all of the blogs that I have linked to even exist any more, because I haven't read any of them for so long. I blame Facebook because there I get a fast overview of how most of my blog friends are doing all in one place.

But one of my links goes to the blog of a lady who I met in person for the first time at the Mormon stories conference in November. Our chance to visit with each other was short but meaningful as I found out who she was and how much my blog and journey had meant to her.

She has gone through quite the journey of her own the past few years, and though her life and goals have changed drastically, she has maintained her testimony and finds peace in continuing to attend church meetings.

Recently she went through the experience of a church court and excommunication. In preparation for the event, she wrote a letter to read at the court so that she would be able to say exactly what she wanted to say. The letter was so beautiful, so heartfelt, do courageous and honest, so touching, that I asked for her permission for me to share it here on my blog as well.

Enjoy!

*********

When I was informed a counsel was to be held concerning me, I spoke to others who have been through a similar experience due to similar actions. A common piece of advice, though importantly noted is that it was not the only piece of advice, was that I not attend this counsel as the end result would be the same regardless. Yet I want to sit before you, as your sister, someone you have known and loved for more than eight years. I could not allow this issue to be presented to you as an empty chair. It’s far more important, and far more personal, than that.

So here I sit before you because I have sexual relations with a woman. I have been having sexual intimacy with a woman since September of 2010 – 18 months ago – after ten years of consistent celibacy. This did not become counsel worthy until my current girlfriend, my second in this 18 months, happens to be married. We’ve been seeing each other for four months, and this relationship has become sexual. She is separated from her husband and is not yet divorced because they could not afford the fee to have the judge place his final stamp on the paperwork already under way. This is not a typical affair with a married woman as it is not in secret. In fact, not only is her husband completely aware of our relationship and the nature of it, but he is one of the biggest supporters of it. He has seen his wife, whom he loves deeply, struggle for 18 years, and sees her now finding happiness, joy, and fulfillment she could never accept from him. He celebrates and supports her happiness and fulfillment. So am I committing adultery? Maybe in part according to the dictionary. But would this outcome be any different if we waited until she is truly divorced, once the judge gives his final stamp? I’d still be having sexual relations with a woman. Because I do not have the luxury of waiting until she and I are married.

It would be so simple to make this an issue about sex, but I’m here, in part, to explain to you that it is much more than that. Many would like to make this an issue of selfishness, of base desires, of merely physical behaviors. Yet that is not what I seek in my relationships with others. I seek the same thing anyone else seeks: Love, companionship, connection, intimacy on a deep and spiritual level. And for some reason unknown to science and man, who will likely argue about cause forever more, I find these human needs met by women. Completely and utterly by women. Not because I desire to sin, not because I’m all about sex, not because I’m carnal and devilish. And absolutely not because I’m an abomination. Because that is how Sister Mack’s heart and soul work. After more than 25 years of trying to change it, modify it, manage it, and ignore it – through faith, prayer, fasting, temple attendance, and perfect obedience to every principle, through therapy, blessings, and support – all of the above and sheer will – nothing has changed what speaks to my heart and soul. Nothing has changed the fact that I feel compete, full, joyful, and yes, closer to the Lord and my true self, when I am having a close, complete, and intimate relationship with a woman. Though I never chose this, and find it utterly ridiculous to consider choosing such a difficult and dichotomous journey, I am gay, and despite my own best efforts and my greatest efforts in turning this over to the Lord, this isn’t changing. God is not removing my homosexuality from me.

The bishop asked when we last met if I thought I was somehow exempt from the laws of God. Tough question to answer because I in fact do not feel I am any more special than anyone else. In the least. And yet, that law of chastity, which applies to all of the Lord’s children, has a special part for me and the thousands like me who are homosexual. We are not required to wait until marriage like our straight brothers and sisters. We are asked to refrain for our entire lives. And not to only refrain from sexual contact, but the mere feelings. Read carefully and find that any homosexual behavior is an abomination. Any. I cannot flirt, date, hold hands, kiss. Because to do even the most basic of these human connection behaviors is not only a sin, but an abomination. So am I any different than my straight brothers and sisters? Absolutely. Am I more special? Given more tools? More strength? A ram in the thicket? Absolutely not. Yet, more is required of me. Of me, who has the same needs and desires, me who loves the Lord and the gospel. Am I exempt? No. Am I more special? No. And why then is more required of me? Perhaps just the very gravity of the difficulty need be considered. Perhaps just the utter impossibility of the position I am thus placed in need be truly considered. Because here I sit before you in a counsel and the outcome places me in a position of choosing my religion or choosing my need for human connection and meaningful relationship. Either decision leaves me with half a life. I cannot imagine my life without the full blessings of the gospel, living half a life. I cannot picture living my life once again impossibly celibate, empty, and deeply alone, living half a life.

When will these restrictions end for someone like me? When I choose to be empty and deeply alone? And when will that be okay with my soul? Will I then be free to participate in the gospel? When I’m unfulfilled and lonely? Because I don’t see that happening. Do you realize then that these restrictions placed on me are more or less permanent? I will never again take the sacrament, never again see the inside of a temple, never again serve the Lord in a calling. It’s not like you’re disciplining a straight person who can eventually marry the person they’re sinning with, keep having this amazing and sexual relationship, and suddenly be allowed back into full fellowship. From this seat it appears I will never have those blessings ever again. Because I have lived 45 years empty and lonely and I’m now making a choice for happiness and peace.

Yet the bishop said I need to be held accountable for my choices. I agree. Hold me accountable for my years of faithfulness, my faithfully fulfilling every calling that came my way, my intense and deep love of the Lord. Hold me accountable for obeying and applying each and every principle in my life – until recently excepting this one. Hold me accountable for sitting through a sacrament meeting where I am called a villain repeatedly from the pulpit and then staying with the church when so many leave. Hold me accountable for keeping my sensitive son active and returning when he hears in young mens that his mother is disgusting because she’s homosexual – and this from a respected and revered former bishop of this ward. Hold me accountable for teaching my children to love a church which does not accept me unless I ignore a huge part of who I am. Hold me accountable for encouraging my children to speak to their bishop about issues that may need some repenting, hoping and praying fervently that they are never treated the way I have been treated in the past. Hold me accountable for my living and breathing testimony of this gospel, which will never waiver, regardless of how I am treated, and regardless of the outcome of this counsel. Gays and lesbians are leaving this church in droves, feeling abused and rejected – because they indeed are abused and rejected. I continue and always will. Hold me accountable for that. And for the fact that I take my covenant and promise to not speak ill of the Lord’s anointed seriously, and I don’t and never will speak ill of this church or its leaders. Hold me accountable. And keep in mind that I am the one who came to you. I am the one who confessed my sins without being compelled to do so, because that is who I am. Hold me accountable. I am a good, honest, and deeply spiritual woman who loves the Lord with all my heart.

And yes, I mean spiritual. Last visit with the bishop he heard me share a spiritual experience with him and his response to me was, “You mean to tell me that you are committing adultery and having spiritual experiences?” as if to say I am now no longer granted spiritual experiences. I give a resounding “Absolutely” to the bishop’s question. This seems to fly in the face of what we’re taught all our lives. We sin, we lose the spirit. But I testify to you that I indeed feel the spirit, and often. I feel a burning in my bosom, I feel guided and directed in ways that are without question from the Lord. What does this mean? One of three things. 1) We’re taught wrong that sin will make the spirit depart. Doesn’t seem likely. 2) I am not committing sin, which I imagine you cannot accept. Or 3) the Lord is more merciful, kind, and loving to his gay and lesbian children in his gospel because he knows the impossible position in which we are placed. It’s that mercy, kindness, and love I pray you’ll be able to tap into. Perhaps I still feel the spirit because I am not making these choices because I am rebellious and proud. I am not being willfully disobedient, but merely so tired of my only path of righteousness leading to such emptiness.
You sit here before me with a decision to make. I’ve been called here because you fear I am falling away from the Lord and from His teachings. If that is indeed true, tell me the sense it makes to remove from me – likely permanently – the very tools I need to return to him, to stay close to him. If I am to remain close to him, I would likely need the sacrament, the priesthood, the temple, my garments, and opportunities to serve – in abundance. The Lord and Savior I love and cling to does not shun me and he does not push me away. Ever. He is ever near me, ever guiding me, ever loving me.

I love this gospel. I love the Lord. I love and know the Book of Mormon is true. I know Joseph saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and was a prophet of God. I know President Monson is a true prophet of God. I love the priesthood, know it is the power of God, and I honor it. And nothing will change this knowledge or belief. Know that without question, regardless of the outcome of this counsel, I will continue, as I always have, to endeavor to live my life by what I understand my Savior’s will for me to be.

I say all of this to you in the name of my Lord, Savior, and Brother, Jesus Christ, who I know loves me and accepts me without question.

*****

Amen, friend. Amen. God bless you. Thank you for letting your light shine and sharing your testimony and courage with the world.

Three years ago today...

...I had no idea that my life was about to change.

I didn't know that in a little over a year, I would be denied my temple recommend, and Scott would stop attending church shortly thereafter.

I had no idea that in nearly two years, I would give birth to our fifth child (even though we made sure we were done after four), and that a month after that, my husband of nearly 15 years would tell me that our relationship as husband and wife was over, and that he would move downstairs for now.

I did not know that in 10 days short of 3 years, the father of my children would move out of the home we customized together eight years ago, and find his own apartment...

...and that today, exactly 3 years to the day of finding out that Scott is gay, I would be mulling over how to split up our debt and finances so that we can begin working on our divorce.



Three years ago today, I was a very emotional and anxious person, extremely codependent on Scott. Today, I am much stronger emotionally and much more independent.

Three years ago, I was unhappy with my bishop and struggled attending church because of the anxiety I felt there. But I was conservative and believing, and continued to attend because it is what we Mormons do. Now, I am liberal and sometimes questioning and yet still believing, and I attend church because I want to, and the anxiety is gone for the most part.

Three years ago, I enjoyed spending time with neighbors and extended family. Now my brother will not talk to me or attempt to understand, the children next door are rarely allowed to play at our house, and my best friends in the whole world are all gay (or formerly married to someone that is.) These are only a few examples of the changes...



Do I wish things could be different? I think so. I used to think I had life and eternity figured out, that the bumps along the way in this institution called marriage could be handled, that divorce was a word that we would not allow to exist in our relationship ever, no matter what. We would always work through it.

Do I like the new person that I have become and am becoming? Definitely! Could I have become who I am another way? Probably, but who is to say it would be any easier?

Do I miss the way things used to be with friends and family? Yes, oh yes. The tears come harder now than at any other point of writing this post. But I also have new family and friends, many more than what I have lost, and I am so lucky to know them and be strengthened by them. Of course, if Scott had been straight, I would not have the new friends, but I also would not have known what I was missing...

But I guess more importantly, I would not have the opportunity to "see" as God and Christ see each of us. To see the grey amongst the black and white. To touch the lives of so many people, especially students, that I would not have reached out to otherwise.

Ok. Life is shitty, but life is good. And I am blessed. And although I cannot yet imagine what my life and eternity will look like, each day will be easier than the one before, and everything will be okay for all of us.

What will the next three years bring? At the very least my oldest child will be 18 and graduating from high school. Oh, my!

Clarity and faith

The week following my last post, I took the time to do some serious thinking and feeling. I was encouraged in part to do so because of an email Scott sent to me that explained some of the reasons his testimony has evaporated. I felt a need to attend the temple to seek some answers.

Here are some of my thoughts during my drive on the way there, and then while sitting on the temple grounds after doing some initiatory work. Some of the thoughts stem from Scott's words, which I am choosing not to post.

• Yes, there are other churches with good and bad pieces, with people that will be rewarded for their good works and faith.
• God lives. Jesus is the Christ.
• It does not matter if leaders are perfect or not, if church history is twisted, if policies change, if it seems sometimes that things are so conflicting, contradictory, hypocritical. God allows things to happen, mistakes to be made, for a reason.
• Culture...Life...Policies...Ways of doing things are ever changing, and always will be changing. But God is the same forever. He loves all of us--liberals, conservatives, atheists, believers--and he knows what is in our hearts, how our experiences have brought us each to where we are. No one but Him can truly judge why each of us act or think the ways we do. He allows changes to happen when and how is best. Key word there that I feel strongly about is "allow." We have our agency--each of us, even church leaders. But just like cleaning a room, where sometimes it has to get messier first before it improves, God is doing his own cleaning using agency, and we cannot yet see where the end result will be. But all will be well. We must have faith. We cannot forget the testimony-building experiences in our individual pasts just because it is a little messy now.
• The contradictions and the call for obedience, and what often seems like blind obedience, are frustrating. I know that. I have felt and experienced that in many ways over the years. What does matter is doing the best we can with what we've got. Finding a place, a religion, a philosophy that works best for each of us, whether that be where we are most comfortable or where we have the greatest opportunity for growth, and often where we can help others grow along with us.

I began to relate these thoughts to me personally, to something that helps me understand why God and church leaders do the things they do, why obedience is so important, and why change in what once seemed like the unchangeable sometimes happens.

Over the 13 years of being a teacher, my policies have also been ever-changing. I try one thing, and then the next year or semester I tweak or completely change something. But while that policy is in place, I try to be consistent in enforcing it. Students sometimes question my policies. Sometimes I explain, sometimes I say it just is the way it is so deal with it. Despite my efforts to be consistent (justice), there are exceptions (mercy), or there are times when I help a student all that I can to meet my own policy, wishing I didn't have to enforce it for that student, but making up the difference so it works out. If a student really desires not to fail, I make it possible for them not to fail, as long as they follow make-up tasks I give them, which are often quite easy. Despite the easiness, many still do not listen to know what they can do, or they don't care, or they don't even try. Someday they might regret it. Some will do credit recovery. Some will drop out and never graduate. Some will get their GED later. There are different paths to get the same place, and some take much longer, and some are just different.

Sometime within the last couple of years, when one of my neighbors bore her testimony in Sacrament meeting, she spoke of her family hiking to delicate arch. She mentioned that her older son ended up going a different way, but he still made it there. She related it to this life, and how some of us follow the marked trail, others of us follow other trails that end up the same place. Some trails might be more difficult than others, or one that is difficult for one person is amazingly right for another person. Sometimes we think someone is lost, but they are just going a different way. I don't remember exactly what she said, and I might be adding some of my own thoughts, but you get the idea.

We recently went to Arches National Park as a family. The trail to delicate arch was harder than I remembered, but the end result was also more spectacular than I remembered from the last time I was there 20 + years ago. I thought of this friend's testimony and analogy to life. Life is hard, we all follow our own path, and the path that someone follows may be right for that person even though it is not for another.

Many people like to quote scriptures that I feel like they are directing at people like me, like "straight is the path and narrow the way that leads to eternal life." For some that may be true. The "straight and narrow path" of the "tree of life" analogy in the Book of Mormon is just another analogy--an analogy that some can relate to but others cannot. I think I might want to spend some more time thinking about Lehi's dream of the tree of life, and determining what it means for me personally, finding myself there, and understanding how the "great and spacious building" fits in. Stay tuned for that one...

A little side note of thoughts that I gleaned from my time in the temple itself:

1. I am blessed to know the difference between truth and error. I couldn't stop thinking about a line in my patriarchal blessing that says I have a talent to believe and accept truth. I realized that I inherintly know that God lives, that the basic gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and that is all that matters. Strange historical facts from the early days of the church that tear apart peoples' testimonies--I don't need to know if that is true or not. It doesn't matter. I can still know in my heart that Joseph Smith was a prophet that spoke to God.

2. I should listen to the council of my husband and the council of God. Scott has much good insight. The same email contained some advice for me regarding the children, about being more consistant in requiring them to be responsible with their chores. I can do better. I am trying to do better, and hopefully that will make the summer break and life in general easier for all of us.

3. I will be protected from the destroyer. I'm leaving out some details because these are sacred words from the temple, and I feel like it is not appropriate for me to say more. But I was impressed that I am doing what is right to keep myself safe from the clutches of Satan, that I am truly not the evil I that I wondered if I could be after reading that talk in last month's Ensign magazine.

One of the main things I did the night I received Scott's email and the following morning at the temple was pondering spiritual experiences in my past, experiences that I simply cannot deny coming from a loving Heavenly Father. Even as I write this, I feel overwhelmed by his love for all of his children, gay or straight, citizen or alien, believing member or cynical x-member. He loves all of us and focuses on the good in each of us. And eventually we will all end up where we are supposed to be. Maybe exhaultation is easier to get to than we think it is, or maybe the Celestial Kingdom is simply not the right place for everyone. I don't know. All I know is that I am at peace with where I am, with my activity in the church. And if Scott (and many others that I know that have resigned their church membership) is at peace with where he is, then maybe that is what is right for him. Maybe someday he will come back. Maybe he won't. But he is still a good man, and God knows that and can judge that when no one else can.

Tough night...tough life

It was supposed to be glorious. My son, of everyone, was most excited for me to have my recommend.

So we made plans. Temple across the valley from our home where Scott's parents work in the baptistry. Joseph Smith's birthday, the Christmas season upon us. Done with school yesterday, fun shopping with son to buy him a new suit this morning, massage this afternoon, perfect ending to a pretty good day. My sister and her kids joining us for the adventure.

Then...there's the traffic of last minute shoppers and it's dark and i don't know where I'm going. The fog thickens as we climb elevation, the windshield either speckled with moisture or streaked from the wipers and impossible to see through. Finally, we arrive in one piece. And then...

I forgot to check the date on my son's recommend. It is his first recommend--he's not ever had to think about expiration dates. What 13-year-old does? And it was in my possession--he didn't even have it if he did know to think about checking the date.

It expired at the end of November.

And I have no one to blame but myself.

At least he looks amazing in his new clothes, clear down to his shoes. And I've already made an appointment for him for a new recommend on Sunday. (Got in trouble with the temple worker at the desk for using my cell phone to call the executive secretary.)

Shucks.

And then my tears start to fall, and fall, and don't stop. Why didn't the spirit remind me about the expiration date? It didn't even enter my head? Why don't I feel peaceful and calm now that I'm here? Isn't that how I'm supposed to feel at the temple? I should be able to handle this with grace. I'm stronger than this. It is totally my own fault--not the temple workers' for enforcing the rules. But why do I feel resentment toward them? Why do I just want to swear? Why do I hate that they smile as they explain to my son that they are sorry, but there are no exceptions? Why am I so uncomfortable here, like I don't belong here, like I'm not good enough.

And then...why me? It was supposed to be for eternity...my marriage...my family. Why did all this have to happen, with Scott not here to comfort me, the one to drive through the fog or the one to remember to check on the expiration date?

And now I lay here in my bed hours later.

And I continue to cry. Scott agreed to take the baby for the night so I can try to get some sleep for once. He is a good man, a good friend and dad. He treats me like he loves me, and I know he does. My pain becomes his pain, but that doesn't change who he is--doesn't change his ability to be something he's not and believe or feel things that he doesn't.

FML.

Answers

Sunday night the kids decided they wanted to watch Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, which we had all recently seen on stage at a local school.

(Funny side-note. 12-year-old-son said about Joseph, “He looks familiar.” His 13-year-old sister says, “Yeah (with a no-duh inflection). It is Donny Osmond, you know, from White and Nerdy.” I laughed to think that Donny Osmond’s fame, for my children, comes from a Weird Al music video!)

Anyway, we have seen it many times (although obviously had not watched the movie for a while), so I enjoyed the music as I watched, but mostly graded papers.

For those of you who have not seen it, it is a musical written by Andrew Lloyd Weber about Joseph and his coat of many colors, and everything he goes through, from living at home with his father and brothers, to being resented and sold by his brothers, to being thrown into jail for apparent immorality, to finally rising to the top in Egypt by helping the Pharaoh during times of feast and famine.

It is a very fun musical, with each song fitting a different genre, lots of humor and dancing and colorful costumes.

One of my favorite songs, though, is more serious than the others. Joseph sings it when he is in prison for something he didn’t do, most likely sentenced to be there for the rest of his life, and he is fairly depressed.

Close Every Door
by Andrew Lloyd Weber

Close every door to me,
Hide all the world from me
Bar all the windows
And shut out the light

Do what you want with me,
Hate me and laugh at me
Darken my daytime
And torture my night.

If my life were important I
Would ask will I live or die
But I know the answers lie
Far from this world
Close every door to me,
Keep those I love from me
Children of Israel
Are never alone
For I know I shall find
My own peace of mind
For I have been promised
A land of my own


Just give me a number
Instead of my name
Forget all about me
And let me decay

If my life were important I
Would ask will I live or die
But I know the answers lie
Far from this world

Close every door to me,
Keep those I love from me
Children of Israel
Are never alone
For we know we shall find
Our own peace of mind
For we have been promised
A land of our own

I stopped grading papers and just watched and listened and thought. Joseph was a real person, with real trials—bad ones beyond his control. Yes, he was depressed, but yes, he had faith in what God had promised him. And I suppose it gave him hope and kept him going. And eventually, his life was grand!

In fact, at one point during this scene, the narrators (and cast) sing,

Joseph's luck was really out
his spirit and his fortune low
alone he sat, alone he thought
of happy times he used to know


hey dreamer, don't be so upset

hey Joseph, you're not beaten yet

go, go go Joseph you know what they say
hang on now Joseph you'll make it some day
don't give up Joseph, fight till you drop
we've read the book and you come out on top

Wouldn’t it be nice if we each had our own book to read when we are going through tough times so that we know it is all going to work out? I guess we do already have books that tell us that: scriptures and patriarchal blessings, for example. I remember my dad commenting about this line in my blessing when I received it: "Difficult times will come. You will know adversity." He wondered what life had in store for me. If this time in my life isn't what my blessing is referring to, I certainly don't know what is, and I hope I don't have to go through worse. Anyway, I guess we just have to have faith and hope and remember that God loves us, and do our best with what we’ve got.

There, was that a bit more positive? :) No definite answers, but a message of peace and hope.

Love is the answer

Sorry this post has been so long in coming...it is about the day I started back to church after a month off, March 21,2010. My goal was to stay the whole time (whether I went to my classes or not) so that my kids would stay.


As I took a shower that morning, I found myself actually looking forward to going, not dreading or nervous for it like I had been for the weeks and months previous to my break.

The kids of course had taken a bit of a break, too, so it was somewhat a struggle to get them up and going.


I turned on "Music and the spoken word" to play in the background while we got ready. I wasn't really paying attention until Lloyd Newel began one of his final message on the program. It was about delighting in the happiness and success of others, even if that success sometimes comes at the cost of our own. An example was shared of a high school girl who called another one to congratulate her for being the valedictorian of their class. The girl who called was second place, and there was only one valedictorian. Instead of mourning her own loss, she rejoiced in the other girl's success.

***

I really enjoyed Sacrament Meeting. The speakers consisted of two sisters from new part of ward. I don't know anything about their current situations with their spouses, but if they have spouses, they weren't there speaking with them.

The first spoke mostly of her life, her childhood, her siblings, her participation in the Hill Cumorah pagent. Her mission call, which she ended up trading for marriage in the SL temple, her 5 children, sadness in her life losing her dad, then losing her mom. She spoke of each of her 5 children, what they are all doing now. She then added something about their family now being a little bit broken, but how they are still an eternal family. While she was speaking, I felt impressed that I should get to know her better.


The text for the second speaker's talk came from President Eyring in last October's conference, from his talk "Our Perfect Example". Here are Some of the main things I remember, that impressed me the most:

Words from the primary song "I'm Trying to be like Jesus."

"...I'm trying to love as he did in all that I do and say....Love one another as Jesus love you, try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught."

Elder Eyring's message was a simple one of love, "Love is the motivating principle by which the Lord leads us along the way towards becoming like Him [the Savior], our perfect example...Love of others is at the heart of our capacity to obey Him."

"The greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own."

As she continued to speak about his talk, the words clicked for me and how I should handle the stresses of my life right now. Instead of being frustrated and swayed by others telling me how selfish Scott appears to be, I felt strongly that I just need to love him, and try putting his happiness above my own, even though it seems to many that I shouldn't have to. Don't the scriptures tell us to work on improving ourselves before telling others how they should improve?

Elder Eyring mentions the inscription on a gravestone at a cemetery near his home that says, "Please, no empty chairs." He points out the word "please" and how we Can't force anyone's choices.

I loved his council to husbands and wives, and the words filled my heart with peace: "Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion's joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion."

He continues to give advice to parents, to children, to those who have adopted other people's families as if they were their own. I thought of our many friends, friends that we are currently closer to than to our own extended families, my love for them, my excitement for them as they find love and make plans to "marry", or at least in Utah, to "commit" to each other. Is the love I feel for them not the same Christ-like love that this whole talk is about?

His final message in the talk: "I hope you will go out today looking for opportunities to do as He did and to love as He loves. I can promise you the peace that you felt as a child will come to you often and it will linger with you. The promise is true that He made to His disciples: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you." (John 14:27)"

So, if I pray for love, love like the Savior, and put the happiness of my spouse above my own, I will find peace? That is my interpretation, and it sounds like a good plan to me. I seem to remember the speaker mentioning a line from the talk that says Some of us are blessed with love that grows when we need it the most. I have faith that I can be blessed with the love I need right now to get through everything.

***

Following Sacrament meeting, I walked my children to their classes, and then I saw the lady who had spoken first. We had a heartfelt conversation as I learned a bit more about her situation, and I told her a bit about my struggles. We embraced, and I realized that there are a lot of people in the ward that I don't even really know yet that have a lot to offer to me and my family. I hope opportunities will come for me to get to know them better.

I proceeded outside to the back lawn. The weather was gorgeous, sunny and warm with a slight breeze. I had snacks to nibble on and a new book to read...

...and now the story of the book...

A few days earlier, I received an email at school. The time on the email was 1:30 a.m. I got the impression it was from a parent, but it didn't say much. All it said was "Please call me at your earliest convenience" and then included a name and phone number. Based on my experience with parents last year, I was nervous that somehow information about my personal life or views had ticked someone off again, although I have been really careful this year not to talk to my classes and students about it. Still, I knew there were rumors circulating from the year before.

Following my two classes that morning, at the beginning of my lunch, I called the number. The man who answered was very friendly and excited that I had called him back, he made sure that I had some time to talk (that I wasn't in the middle of a class or anything) and then he became awkward as he told me that he was the father of one of my students, that he had given me a fake name to protect his daughter's identity because she begged him not to talk to me, that his daughter had told him I was going through some personal struggles, and that he was embarrassed to talk to me about it because he didn't know if it was true or not, but that he could not sleep the night before thinking about me and the possibility of what I was going through.

He then shared with me that he has had homosexual feelings, and that decisions he made previously in his life were really hard on his wife and children. But he found his way back, and he wrote a book about his experience that he wanted to share with me, and that his main message to me was that no matter what happens, no matter what decisions my husband makes, I will be okay. Everything will be okay. I can call and talk to him or his wife any time. "Can I bring you the book? You are in room number ###. right?"

I cried as he spoke, then I went to lunch, in awe of what appeared to be God's tender mercies and this time a parent that was going to be an angel of sorts rather than a trial like last year.

At the beginning of my next class, I was wandering the classroom, collecting papers and helping students with the starting activity when I realized someone peaking in the door. This man and his wife were there with a book and a vase of flowers. They both hugged me and reminded me that I would be okay and that I could call them any time. There was a sweet spirit in their presence--one of love and deep concern, not of judgement or advice or anything like that.

Thus I had this book, and I finally had time to start reading it. I read a few full chapters, then skimmed, and read some more. It didn't take long for me to realize that I disagree with this man in a lot of ways, mainly with the last chapter and gay-rights issues. But it didn't bother me, because the tone of the book was wonderful. It was not preachy, but rather just as he says on the back cover: "Although the solutions for each person who is sruggling with unwanted behaviors will be different, my hope is that my story will encourage you to never give up, always dream and contemplate what seems impossible, and continue to seek solutions to life's most difficult challeges."

Another thing I really liked about it is that even though he is LDS, he does not mention it. He talks about his religion and how it influenced his struggles, both in the guilt he felt and in having God's help with the decisions he eventually made, but the denomination of the church itself was never mentioned.

I want to share a few quotes from the book about his wife, for they are what touched me the most...

From the dedication of the book, which is dedicated to his wife, he says...

"I dedicate this book to my beautiful wife. She has walked this long journey with me for many years...Her only concern has been what is best for me. My sincere wish for the world is that all people could have a spouse (or family members) as understanding, compassionate, and who posses the ability to love unconditionally as my sweet wife has been able to do."

"My sweet companion willingly stepped back and allowed me to make my own decisions in this journey we call life. She has always accepted the fact that this was a risk and that there were no guarantees. She just did it. And now, we are reaping the rewards of her unconditional dedication, loyalty and love."

Later in the book he says, "In the forthcoming years, she had some very difficult days and seemingly insurmountable decisions to make."

He quotes from her journal, "I am very sad at this time. I have been married for many years and have two marvelous children, and I have a great husband, but he has a problem...He is a great father for our children, but as a husband he is making decisions that are destroying our marriage. At this time he is only thinking of himself and what he wants without thinking of the damage he is causing me and the children. I love [him] ... but I don't know to what point I can endure this. This is very difficult for me! I am very sad and I think a lot about him. I know I need to remain calm, just live my life and be strong for my children. I pray that the Lord would bless him with His spirit that as he decides what to do, he might be able to remember the pain I am feeling. I hope he is able to put more emphasis on the most important thing, our family."

The following quotes come from a chapter titled "Love and its incredible power"

"As I felt the power of my wife's unconditional love, I was then able to begin to express myself and figure out what was happening within my mind...my sweet wife naturally comes with a very unconditional loving heart...she repeatedly forgave me each time I failed. "Hatred tears down, but understanding builds up" (Howard W. Hunter).

"My wife was able to work through the hatred she felt for my situation, and began to understand my pain. By so doing, we were able to find enough strength to focus on commonalities instead of the differences we felt. Because we were both willing to discuss the issues and never stop trying to figure out the huge puzzle, we ultimately were able to turn this very negative situation into a very positive success story."

Now that I read over these quotes again, a month later, I wonder if I am placing too much hope in them. It still feels right, however, to focus on loving him and rejoicing in his happiness, rather than getting angry and throwing him out so that I don't have to deal with it any more.

I have shared a bit about our situation with three friends (staff members) at school. Two of them immediately reacted with how selfish Scott is. So I was afraid to tell the third. She knew I was avoiding talking to her about it. When I finally did, though, I included telling her about the parents and the book they brought to me. She became emotional and told me that she felt like I was taking the right path with the situation, although not the easy one.

I have felt bad that it has taken me so long to write this post, but it has been good for me to mingle the memories of the peace that this Sabath day in March brought to me with the mixture of other emotions I have been feeling over the last month--sadness, anger, frustration, depression. I am sure that things will continue to feel like a rollar coaster for a long time, especially for the next couple of months until the baby comes. But I need to remember this post and these feelings and allow peace to fill my heart. Not an easy task at all, I must say. But maybe, just maybe, within the realm of possibility.

I wonder...

In Scott's latest post, he lists many things that could help contribute to a successful mixed orientation marriage. At one point he discusses religion, and how if a man believes that his religion is correct in their teaching that homosexual relations are a sin, then that might give him motivation to endure and stick with a mixed-orientation marriage, for his eternal salvation if nothing else.

But if somehow his belief changes and he comes to the conclusion that it is not a sin, that God will love him just as much if he follows his heart and finds true love for himself, then enduring the MOM is not possible any more.

I know that he was studying this subject and praying about it fervently even before we had any run-ins with our church leaders, from the time he began to come to terms with everything 2 or so years ago. So I guess that answers the question I was going to pose here...

If our former bishop and stake president had been more accepting and loving and less judgmental, then would Scott have been more likely to stay in the church and in the MOM? Or did our leaders just expedite the process that was going to happen anyway? So then, did God allow our leaders to act this way so that the process would go faster? And, where does God think a new baby fits into all of this?

I am mostly just curious as I am trying to have faith. I was listening to some LDS music today to help calm my emotions, and a song I have mentioned before from the Women at the Well album came on my iPhone. The song speaks of how Jesus came too late to keep Lazarus from dying, and how sad his sisters were, and frustrated that the Lord was not there in time. But then instead, He raises Lazarus from the dead, and it has a much larger impact than it would have had He been there to prevent his death in the first place.

I am not patient enough to wait and find out why, why, why!

When Scott first stopped going to church, and I was talking to our friend (and former, former bishop) that is in the stake presidency about it, he said he felt like Scott would eventually come back, although he didn't know how many months or years that might take. I have clung to that as inspiration from a loving friend and leader. But I am not sure I have hope and faith in it anymore. It is almost easier to assume that he won't, and to let it go, than to cling to a hope that might never come, that keeps me in denial, hoping that my marriage will last, when it is becoming obvious that it won't.

I took the kids and stayed for Sacrament meeting yesterday.

Not sure what I will do next.

But I know I need the support of the church and the gospel in my life. I think the new bishop can play a major part in this healing process. If it were still the old bishop, I wouldn't even try. But he and his wife are now on a service mission, so chances of even running into him at church for a while is slim. And in the meantime, I need to find a way to forgive the Stake President and a certain sister that teaches Relief Society.  I know I told the Stake President that I am done, and so I am sure he never made the phone calls that he said were essential to approving my recommend. Wouldn't it be nice if he would feel inspired to follow up on those phone calls, and would email me and apologize and let me know that he was willing to approve me for a temple recommend even though I support gay marriage, and blog about that support?

But that might be too much to hope for.

So in time, when I am ready, I will go to the bishop and see what I need to do to get a recommend. And maybe, just maybe, he can be my advocate with the stake president. He or my father-in-law.  Something will work out. At least I have that much hope.

Change

Major change is coming.  I don't know when and I don't know exactly what.  It scares me more than anyone can imagine.

But I know God is there. I couldn't sleep. So at 2:20 a.m. I went to my computer, and there is a plea for help from someone who understands, posted only a few moments before. And at 2:30 a.m. I found her number, and I called her and we cried together. Our situations are different, I am more than twice her age, but our situations are also much the same and oh so confusing.

I asked her to tell me what was going on first. I could have spoken the same words she said, "Why me? Why has God done this to me?" And then she said some wise things for someone her age, maybe us, because God knew that it had to be someone, and knew that we could handle it and had something to learn from it.

I agree.  But that doesn't make it any easier.

Prayers are welcome. We will figure it out.

Shoulda Known Better

...than to think that letting go of church would be easy...

So much for my last post! But this is my continuing journey, so here goes...

As mentioned, the first three weeks were been rejuvenating. I attended a Relief Society service project the Saturday after my first absence. It was comfortable and I enjoyed being there.

The kids have gone to church every week (to their classes but not to Sacrament meeting). They continue to attend Scouts and Young Women activities, including Stake Temple day and baptisms for the dead this past Saturday afternoon. It has all been their choice to do so.

I went to a birthday social at the Relief Society president's house Tuesday night. Again, comfortable and fun, but even after only 3 weeks I realized how much I missed being in the loop, and found out that I missed the call of a new primary presidency, new young men's presidency, and who knows what other major changes.

I realized at the social how much I enjoy being with (most of) the people and miss seeing them every week. But I don't miss the lessons, the teachers' interpretations and the comments from class members. I don't miss running into the Stake President or former Bishop or a certain Relief Society teacher. I don't miss the panic attacks, and the frequent crying episodes on Sundays. I have enjoyed reading and pondering the lessons on my own. But still, I began to wonder if maybe I won't stay away as long as I thought. Maybe at least start going to Sacrament meeting so that my kids will go too.

Well, yesterday the kids didn't want to go at all. We watched Testaments, which ended up being kind of cool since our recent family scripture study has been in 3rd Nephi.

But I was kind of unsettled all day. Scott and I have spent Sundays hanging out and talking. This time was different, and I'm not sure why, other than the kids being around and us all being tired and lazy from the party the night before. I guess I have some other ideas too, but I don't feel I should mention them here.

As I wrote most of this last night, I was sitting in the chapel at "new beginnings", a church young woman thing that happens toward the beginning of each year. There is nothing that should bother me, just teenage girls giving talks on the young women values and relating them to real-women-examples of those values. But there I was, unsettled as usual as I realized that I am in a different place in my life than I ever would have expected to be when I was my daughter's age. And then there is the constant reminder of the "recommend," and the bishop speaking of how the main purpose of the Young Women program is to help them prepare to go to the temple.

It did that for me, but now look at me. I found out again this weekend just how inconsistent local leaders are. A friend of ours mentioned another friend that is in a monogomous gay relationship, and his bishop lets him keep his recommend because he is faithful to his partner. A friend's mother's Bishop told her to love her son, support and rejoice in his engagement and upcoming marriage to another man.

And then there is Scott and I, Scott being denied his recommend as he is asked "but do you ever fantasize about men?" And me, me being denied because I went to one affirmation conference, because I told the Stake President that if I had to choose between supporting my gay friends and getting my temple recommend renewed, that I would choose my friends.

And when we appeal to a general authority we are told to "listen to our wise and inspired stake president."

Does anyone else think it is all so F'd up?

And so I thought I let go, and I started thinking I was ready to start heading back for the sake of my children, for seeing my friends, for being in the loop.

But then I realize how bitter and hurt I still am, and I have no idea what the hell to do.

And the Stake President is confused why 30 seconds in his office a month ago could be "torture."

Oh, God.  Please help me.  Please help me let go and be perfectly okay with never going back, chopping all ties for me and my children, or help me forgive and forget so that I can go back.  Help me figure out what I need to do for my children, for myself, for my marriage, for our eternal salvation.

When will this nightmare be over?

Answer to Prayer?

I blogged recently about wanting an answer for Christmas--an answer about what I should do regarding church, for me, for our children and for our whole family.

I spent some time really praying about it that day, and though I didn't get an answer, I did think through some possibilities, and felt peace that the answer would be coming...that I just needed to be patient.

Today came a new indication of changes and future answers.  Next Sunday night there will be some ward boundary changes in our stake, and we will be getting a new Bishopric.  (My daughter and I immediately looked at each other and tried not to smile TOO big when the announcement was made today.)

This also sheds some light on why it is taking so long for my Stake President to get back to me.  Obviously he has been very busy.

******

Today the Relief Society and Priesthood met together for the "Teachings for our Time" lesson from the conference talks, specifically Elder Holland's incredible talk from last April about the Atonement and how Christ was totally and completely alone at times through His agony.

During the lesson, two things touched me.  One was that even though Christ was part God and able to handle what He went through, He was also part mortal, with the fears and pains and anxiety that come with being so.  It was a good reminder of what I already knew, but had somehow forgotten, that He truly does understand every pain and feeling that we go through in mortality.

The second thing that really stood out to me today is that Christ was so misjudged and betrayed, that those who yelled for Him to be crucified really did not understand (or did not try to understand) who He was or what was in His heart. Or maybe they were afraid of the influence He was having and the good He was doing. The whole thing was completely unfair, and yet it happened, and it had a purpose, and we are all blessed because of it.

I know my situation pales in comparison to that of our Savior, but I also feel that I am being misjudged for doing things that are good. I just have to have faith that it all has a purpose, and that no matter what pain I may be going through because of it, my Savior understands my pain; He already felt it FOR me, and He can take it away. I just have to let Him take it and let it go, and meanwhile just keep doing the best I can to do what is right for me and my family.

Ward Temple Day

The bishop declared yesterday ward temple day, and that everyone should attend the temple with their families as a gift to the Savior this Christmas.

Wish I could.

So I sent my children instead.  They went with two of their cousins, and the oldest one drove.  They had 3 family names to do baptisms for, and my daughter decided to go along, hoping she could do some temple file names. It was my son's first time, and he was nervous. I longed to go with him.

But all went well without me.  The Oquirrh Mountain Temple was busy, so they each did their one family name, and that was it (daughter was given a card from a different family that was there). Son enjoyed it and realized that I was right when I told him he didn't need to be nervous.

Now my brother and sister will do the rest of the work without me. My mom doesn't know who else to have help with the sealing.  We talked about it a few weeks ago and stood and cried in her kitchen, holding each other. I cried as I told my parents that Scott no longer attends church with us. That he is no longer even trying to get his recommend.

I'm waiting to hear from the Stake President as he talks to active LDS (with recommends) who are also members of Affirmation (or rather, talks to their priesthood leaders, I guess).

I don't know what will happen.  I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.  I only hope I can pick up the pieces again when it is all over.  My desire to hang in there is wanning, and bitterness is starting to get the best of me. I pray often for my heart to be softened, that I can forgive my leaders.  But it is so hard.

Two weeks ago the kids and I stayed home from church with Scott.  I asked the kids the night before, "Do you want to go pass the Sacrament tomorrow?" "Do you want to go to Young Women's tomorrow?" "Do you want to go to Primary tomorrow?"  Each of them told me "not really."  So we slept in, we watched "Music and the Spoken Word" featuring Natalie Cole.  Scott made breakfast for us.  Sweedish pancakes! Yum! We listened to more uplifting music of Christmas and our Savior, and our home was filled with love and peace and the spirit.  I did not get a substitute for Relief Society music for the first time ever.  As expected, they survived without me.

It was so much easier than getting everyone up and fighting with them to get them ready, having our 4-year-old ask on the way to church, "Where is dad?", sitting through meetings fighting morning sickness and hoping I brought enough food with me, facing all the smiles and "how are you"'s of everyone in the ward, some of them obviously trying harder to reach out to me since I am there alone. Some of them asking where Scott is. And I tell them the truth, and I cry. I used to cry because he was not there with me.  Now I cry because I am not home with him, and I feel like a ward project. And worst of all, facing the occaisional comments in lessons about how the world is spiraling downward, and we need to be careful not to be distracted by even one tiny thing that we don't agree with, that might eventually cause us to completely give up that which is most important to us.

What is more important?  Going to church where I am in turmoil and conflict and cry all the time?  Or staying home with my family, feeling the peace of the spirit and the love that we share. But of course staying home guarantees that I will not get my recommend back. Curses.

Please, dear God, help me figure out what to do. What is best for my children.  What is best for Scott.  What is best for the unity and peace of our family. What is best for ME.

All I want for Christmas is an answer.

Blog Stress

When I first started blogging, it was amazing. I had already started reading a lot of blogs, and we had this fabulous community that read and commented and helped each other through the tough times of proposition 8. It was very therapeutic for me to work through my thoughts and feelings, and it brought me an amazing feeling of happiness and peace when I found out (through comments and emails) that it was answering other people's prayers, giving them peace and comfort to know that they are not alone, and even bringing some of them back into the church.

But lately it seems that my blog has become the source of all of my stress. Of course there is my temple recommend, and the main issue with that is this blog. And then I found out today that there are rumors going around school among staff members that read my blog. Of course I have chosen to make my blog public, and I have actually given the URL to some of my close friends at school when they have asked me for it or when I have felt it was the right thing to do (I think I have given it to 3 or 4 people.) I don't really care who reads my blog, but when it becomes something for people to talk about behind my back, then it bothers me.

When a couple in our ward found our blogs, they commented and thus let us know right away that they were reading. Others have told us at church or through emails. I appreciated knowing that they are there reading and knowing what is going on in my life. I would like the same from staff members at my school and other ward members and family (like an email or an in-person mention that they "found" my blog or that someone gave them the address). Even if they don't agree with my opinions, I think that is just respectful and "adult" of them to let me know. We can discuss it, or not discuss it, or agree to disagree. I just want to know.

I'm tired. I don't read blogs any more, at least not very much. One of my favorite things about blogging is the comments and conversations that result. Lately there hasn't been much of that. I feel invisible. I guess some of my readers don't comment because they prefer to talk about it behind my back. And those who used to comment are either too busy to read and/or comment, or they are afraid to because we are kind of "censoring" it for ward and stake leaders that read.

I am having a fabulous year at school. I love my husband and kids and we all get along great. I don't think any of my normal day-to-day life is causing me any more stress than usual. But I am at the end of my rope, on the verge of a nervous breakdown with everything church and blog related. I feel great at school, and then I come home and cry and yell the rest of the night. I can't get anything done that I need to do. I am not supporting my kids with their homework and lives like I need to, because I am mentally sick.

So, in an attempt to heal my soul, I am going to privatize my blog in a couple of days, and I am not going to send any invitations for anyone to read it. ( I've tried the private blog thing already, and no one knows when to read it and very few people comment, so why bother? ) I will be doing this so that I can go through and archive everything while I decide its fate. Maybe I can compile some of the most helpful posts into a new blog somewhere. Maybe you can let me know what your favorites are; the ones that have meant the most to you.

I am sitting here sobbing because I feel like I am saying goodbye to a whole bunch of friends that I don't even know. But I feel this is best to take care of myself and my family.

God be with you till we meet again!

Forget Regret

I had an epiphany moment today that I have to get out here...

Last week was bad. I was thinking about mistakes I've made and the resulting consequences, and the more I thought, the worse I felt. The worse I felt, the more likely I was to fall apart emotionally, yelling at family and friends, and then turning into a crying, mushy, mess because I was embarrassed for how I reacted and was convinced that I needed to be admitted to a mental institution or something. It was in this state that I hammered out my "retirement" blog post, because some of the mistakes were mentioned and continued here, and I felt like my blog was hazardous to my health and friendships.

Saturday night at our party, I seemed to be feeling a bit better, but it has all been up and down, so I am always afraid that one of my explosions is just around the corner.

With Sunday came further improvement. Sunday School was about adversity, and although I don't remember any specifics (I didn't take notes because I wasn't going to blog any more, right?), I think it was a good lesson. I was actually thumbing through the July Ensign (to seek inspiration for MoHo FHE on Saturday) and I read a sweet article about the atonement while I was listening to the lesson going on in the background. I had the impression that I needed to re-read a couple of books about the atonement, like The Peacegiver by James Ferrell and Believing Christ by Stephen Robinson.

Relief Society then confirmed that impression as the lesson was on Faith and the Atonement. I phased in and out actually listening to the lesson, but toward the end, the teacher began to get emotional and shared about being depressed during the past week, thinking about mistakes she has made in her life, and letting them make her feel worse and worse about herself. Wow, she could have been speaking for me at that moment. She mentioned how she felt that it was the work of the Adversary to make her focus on her mistakes, forgetting about the atonement and the importance of forgiving herself.

This week, both my mood and my productivity have continued to improve. Today I attended a seminar at Salt Lake Community College in preparation for the coming school year. During the "math" related part of the seminar, I thought a lot about things I do wrong as a teacher, and things I can do better. But I am tired, and it takes time and energy to change the way I teach, to try new things in an effort to improve students' learning, educational experience, and preparation for college. Yet, I was intrigued that maybe there are some things I could also change in the way I grade that could make work easier for me while also improving student motivation and responsibility. (It was like I had a "shoulder devil" vs. "angel" conversation going on in my head.)

At the end of the general session today, we had a guest speaker that focused on how important humor, laughter, and happiness are in the classroom. He read a quote that said we each have a moral obligation to those around us to be happy--and yet happiness is something I have always struggled with. As he cracked jokes, shared experiences, and talked about the importance and impact of teachers on the lives of many, many students, I had my epiphony:

"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss...No day but today."

Yes, it is a great line from a great song from Rent (which I have not seen). It invigorated me, make me feel empowered to leave my mistakes behind me as a teacher and try some new things, even if those things take energy and might even lead to more mistakes, but at least I would be trying to do better.

Thank you to this blog community, for your comments, your prayers, your emails, your chats, your phone calls, your hugs. For some reason, the adversary and his followers are working really hard on me. But you "angels" as well as unseen spirits that are looking out for me are many, and together we can win the battle.

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only yes
Only tonight
We must let go
To know what's right
No other course
No other way
No day but today

I can't control
My destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal is just
To be
There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today...

(Excerpts sung by Mimi in "Another Day" from Rent.)

Funk

I feel like I should blog; in fact, I have a couple of blog posts rattling around in my head that I need to write just to process them, but I seem to be in a funk of sorts.

These are the things I have not been doing very well or at all the past month:

• Cleaning the clutter in my room, off my desk, etc.
• Laundry (especially folding and putting away)
• Mending
• Updating finances
• Blogging
• Reading blogs
• Reaching out to friends by email that I have not heard from in a while.
• Yardwork: checking on the garden and picking produce, weeding, keeping the dead flowers trimmed back, watering the flowers on the porch, mowing the lawn.
• Planning and making dinner.
• Getting enough sleep.
• Excercising.
  
• Desiring intimacy. I want to want it, but I don't. Does that make sense? And Scott doesn't usually instigate anything, which is normal for us.
  

A quick side story to this last item to show how I am feeling and reacting lately: One day we went swimming as a family, and on the way home I told Scott we should take a shower when we got home. I looked at him with a sparkle in my eye, and he made some kind of comment indicating that he didn't have time or wasn't interested. When we got home, he got in the shower, and I got on my computer to check my email and ended up chatting with someone. Then I went in to take a shower and Scott told me he had taken an extra long shower, waiting for me to join him. But by this time, he was done and dressed. I fell apart. I sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed uncontrollably that I had missed my chance.

Anyway, on with my lists:

Here are things I like to do in the summer that I have not done at all:

• Reading novels.
• Updating family blog and scrapbooks.
• Sewing, knitting and other crafts.
• Taking the kids to the library.
• Hiking. (I cherish memories of hiking every year of my life growing up to the lakes near Brighton, like Catherine, Mary, Twin Lakes, etc.--I feel bad that my children will not have those same memories!)
• Going to the temple/taking my daughter to do baptisms at the temple.

Ok, I guess we have gone on a family road trip to the Black Hills (which was interesting, but nothing like a vacation.) And we have gone swimming a few times, and to the zoo a couple of times, and we went to the temple open house, and to Harry Potter the day it came out.

So I guess I haven't done nothing....

Here is mostly what I do all day:

• Playing Animal Crossing and/or watching my kids play Animal Crossing or other video games.
• Yelling at my kids to do their chores when I am not doing my own.
• Helping my children only when necessary.
• Shopping when necessary.
• Sitting around feeling blah and thinking about all of the things I should be doing, and about the fact that school starts again in less than a month.
• Crying.
  

Okay, so why am I in this funk?

• Every summer I spend some time being lazy out of necessity to recover from a busy school year. Last summer I spent time processing Scott's gayness. I guess there is still some of that to do, and will be for a long time, if not for the rest of my life.
• The accident involving Scott's nephew 4 weeks ago was really hard on me and threw me into some rough emotional spouts that I have not yet recovered from, even though he is doing just fine.
• Church stress, specifically with regards to the bishop's attitude.
  
• The good moho friend that we lost and I blame myself for. (Yesterday I overheard my 11 year old saying to the other kids, "We can never watch Wall-E or Hello Dolly again because that will remind us of [insert name] and we will probably never see him again.")

Blah. I hate being depressed and emotional. I asked our doctor yesterday about a referral for a therapist. I now need to fill out a packet and make an appointment. The tricky part will be getting myself to actually do it.

Meanwhile, Scott and/or Hidden: are we ever going to motivate each other to exercise? And Scott, is there anything you can do to help me with getting enough sleep? I am rather hopeless at the moment...

Damaged

I am an overly sensitive person. I always have been. Even before Scott came out to me about 9 months ago, I was overly sensitive. I have always had a hard time at school when I have been criticized by a parent or or fellow-employee or administrator. I have always had a hard time at church when someone tells me that I have done something wrong. This was especially true when I served as primary president. I still have deep scars from things that happened between me and the bishop and me and one of my counselors at that time.

It is one of my weaknesses, my struggles, that I do not take criticism of any kind very well, even when it is presented with the best of intentions.

I also consider that my sensitivity is one of my strengths. It allows me to be overly compassionate and caring of my children, my students, my friends and family.

It is part of who I am, just like gayness is a part of who Scott is, and it therefore has a good and a bad side to it.

I have been damaged. Events at school 2 weeks ago were devastating to me, as one of my Young Women leaders from my past betrayed me and hurt me to my core. I am not saying that I am not to blame, just that I am damaged from the event.

I am damaged from neighbors that no longer call on my husband for computer help or priesthood blessings. They are still friendly and kind, and act like nothing has changed, when in fact it has, and it hurts.

I am damaged by a sister in my ward that is convinced I am on the road to apostasy (and I guess maybe I am) because of my views on Proposition 8, and she has taken it upon herself to call me to repentance in front of the entire Relief Society.

With each blow, I seem to become weaker instead of stronger. Even the tiniest and most benign and kind criticisms put me over the edge and into despair. I am more cynical, more critical, and I have less desire to do what I have always been taught and know that I need to do with regards to church attendance.

My blog has been my therapy, and loving comments from many new friends have been my salvation. But it is not all that anymore, and something must change.

Maybe I need to pay for some real therapy.

Maybe I need to up my dose of Zoloft.

Maybe I need to start a new blog and make it by invitation only.

For now, I am going to disable comments on my blog. If you have anything positive you would like to say, please email me personally. Otherwise, send your constructive criticism to Scott to screen for me while I heal.

It may seem that I am acting childish with this, but I need to do this now before I am even more uncomfortable at church, knowing that more and more of those around me are reading my blog. I want to let the ward members that do read my blog know that I am not mad at them, that I do not blame them. They have not hurt me; it is me that has allowed myself to be hurt. Just know that I need your prayers and your sincere acceptance more than anything right now.

~Sarah

Be Ok

It has been a good day today. I've found myself humming "Be Ok" by Ingrid Michaelson. It came on the radio last week one day when I was feeling down, and I have had it in my head off and on ever since. Good, simple, heartfelt plea.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok, I just want to be ok today...
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok.

Yesterday I was a bit depressed about recent lessons in Relief Society and I couldn't figure out how to get out of my funk. I eventually made a decision and emailed the RS President. In a nutshell, I told her that I was having a hard time with one sister's lessons in particular, and that I was going to be missing RS on the second Sundays for a while.

During my prep time at work, I was listening to an album by Kenneth Cope, "Women at the Well". One song in particular ("If Thou had Been Here") is so meaningful to me as I sang it a year or two ago with a friend in the ward as part of the Easter program in Sacrament meeting. The song is from the view of Martha and Mary, wondering why Christ did not come soon enough to heal their sick brother. Then they realize that because He came so late, the miracle was much more dramatic as he raised Lazarus from the dead. As I sang through the words while grading papers, I couldn't help but think that often in order to accomplish the greatest things, God does things we don't understand that hurt us at the time, and then later we can see His whole plan and be grateful for it. Wow. Everything will be ok.

It seems that yesterday was truly a manic Monday for many of us. On the 5 minute or less ride home from the elementary school, I found out that the neighbor girl had been called a liar by one of her friends, and it was something that I knew personally she wasn't lying about. I said something to calm her tears, and convinced her that everything will be ok.

Then my oldest son shared with me that he had told some of his friends about his plans to crochet an afghan, and how the friends laughed at him (I didn't think to warn him of that when he told me his plan the night before, dang it!). "Why are boys expected to like sports; I don't like sports; and why isn't it okay for a boy to want to crochet a blanket? I don't get it." Tears started to sparkle in his eyes.

As the neighbor girl climbed out of the mini-van, I gave her a hug and told her that even if her friend didn't believe her, that the important thing was that she wasn't lying, and Heavenly Father knew that, too. She smiled, said thanks, and walked across our yard to her house. As I watched her go, I realized that my words to her had been words to myself as well. This lady in Relief Society might not believe that it is okay for me to disagree with Prop 8, but I know that Heavenly Father knows what is in my heart, and everything will be ok.

Today when I woke up, the sadness was gone. As I faced the school day, I was distracted by my desire to send the RS president another email. Try as I might, I still couldn't stay on task, so I finally decided to give into my distraction. It didn't take long; I had written part of it the day before.

Dear RSP,

I just felt like sharing this quote. I heard about the lesson on Sunday. I thank my Heavenly Father for giving me a reason to stay home. I know without a doubt that He had a hand in my decision to do so. I am grateful that He is so mindful of me. I pray for [the teacher] to be mindful of me as well. I know she has good intentions and that she doesn't mean to hurt me, or if she does know she is hurting me, that it is only for my eternal salvation, which she feels is worth the pain, I guess. The problem is that in reality my eternal salvation is only at risk because she is pushing me away, otherwise I believe I would be fine. (This same problem is happening in wards throughout the church with others that hold my view and hers.)


From the Salt Lake Tribune:
http://m.sltrib.com/topic/825-Local%20News/articles/180519569

Latter-day Saints are free to disagree with their church on the issue without facing any sanction, said L. Whitney Clayton of the LDS Quorum of the Seventy. "We love them and bear them no ill will."



Thanks for your support. I am so sorry to burden you with all of this.

Love,

Sarah


P.S. I would like to share my thoughts with how I stand with all of this at the moment. I know I kind of told you a couple of weeks ago, after my testimony, but maybe I should put it in writing so that you can understand where I am coming from a little better. Feel free to share this with anyone in the ward that you think would benefit from it. Thanks


I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that the LDS church is blessed with leaders that are inspired to do what is best for the church. I believe that God had a purpose to inspire the leaders of the church to be involved in the campaigns against gay marriage. I do not believe that they would have been so involved in the political process without having prayed about it first.

However, that does not mean that I am not entitled to my own inspiration and revelation for myself. Due to personal experiences, my mind and heart cannot side with banning gay marriage. I have been a member of the church my entire life, and I have never had this kind of inner conflict before, and I also know the process for receiving personal revelation. I studied both sides of the issue, I attended the temple, and I prayed, but still I was in turmoil and could not find peace in agreeing with the leaders of the church. Finally, instead of praying to know that what the church was doing was right, I prayed to know if it was okay to have the opinion that I have. Finally, I was able to taste the sweet peaceful feeling of my Heavenly Father's love. He spoke to my heart and told me that it is okay for me to have the view that I have.

I don't know why he has revealed this to me when the church has received other revelation, but I think it is because he has given me an important calling right now to help and love some of his precious children and bring them unto him. I cannot fully empathize with them and help them to feel of God's love for them without having the peaceful view that I do for same-sex marriage. Just like a speaker shared in our regional conference meeting, I cannot ignore the promptings and calling that the Lord has given me at this time. Also, I cannot let the fact that others fear for my soul and call me to repentance throw me back into turmoil. I know what God has told me, and I know that He knows it, and I cannot deny it. I feel that I need to stay active in the church to set an example for my friends, but it is getting harder and harder to do so when I am continuously called to repentance by a sweet sister in the ward.

I don't know what else to do or what else to say to help you understand. I can only pray for you that you too will find peace, not with gay marriage, but rather that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing right now in my life. Trust me that my trust is in God, not man, and that I must follow his promptings to me personally. I am not going to be an anti-christ and spread a message against the Prophet of God. But I am going to spread a message of peace and love toward all men.

Sarah

She responded this time.

Sarah - Thanks for sharing your thoughts and trusting me. I appreciate your love and concern. May the Lord continue to bless us in our individual lives and may you know and feel of my love for you. Love Ya, RSP

The rest of the day, I just felt like everything was going to be ok.

I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok.

I DO know, I WILL be ok, and I AM ok today.

Dear Beloved Husband,

I love you. I often feel I don't deserve you. You are so good to me.

But sometimes you need to stop trying so hard to make up for what you can't be.

Sometimes you need to stop trying to convince me that the wound isn't there, or stop trying to bandage the wound or heal the wound.

Just let it be.

And hold me while I let it hurt.

I have my ups and downs, and when I go down, I don't do it half-way. Be it hormones or tiredness or disappointment that start me spiraling downward, or worse yet, all of the above. I know it must be frustrating and you must feel helpless, but when you let your exasperation show through, it makes it worse.

Please just hold me and let me cry. Don't try to convince me I have no reason to cry. Don't try to help me stop crying. Don't tell me what to do or what not to do. Just hold me. Let me rattle off all my frustrations whether they seem rational or not. Let me sob, my body shaking with each breath I take. Let me cry. Cry with me if you want to.

And if you can't handle my tears, then tell me you love me and go in another room to sigh and raise your voice. Write me a letter to tell me how frustrated you are with my inconsolable and ridiculous tears. Then tear it up and write me a letter to tell me how much you love and appreciate me. Don't just let me find out by reading a comment about myself on someone else's blog. I need validation directly, at least a little more often than I get it.

Maybe you need the same from me.

When you need your turn to vent or your turn for me to just hold you, I will try to be there for you, but don't try to do it when I can't handle it. Let me have MY moment to hurt.

I am tempted to message you anonymously through your chat window to see if I can get more compassionate understanding from you there. :) I'm sorry for this idea. I know that you love your new friends so much and you get such a great internal lift when you are able to be there for them any time through any situation. I admire you for this great calling that you have taken upon yourself. I really do, and your friends have become my friends, and I am grateful for the opportunity to serve with you. They each fill an important place in my heart.

But I am selfish, and I want a bigger piece of this incredible compassion that I see you have for others for myself as well.

Maybe it is wrong of me to put this on a public forum for all to read. I love you so much and I don't want to hurt you. You are truly so incredible.

But keeping these words to myself might also be selfish. Perhaps one of my readers needs to see my sporadic anguish. Perhaps one of my readers can let their feelings gush out with mine as they read my words, perhaps relating to their own situations. I hope you can understand why I posted this and forgive me for it.

I love you.



Just hold me.



And let me cry.

Confusion

I've been having a hard time for a while now. My happiness and ability to deal with life has been up and down, but lately a bit more down than up.

I am so tired of waking up nervous, throwing up, and then gagging down my breakfast like I've been doing for 3 weeks now. (And no, I'm not pregnant. It's just nerves.) I'm tired of not being able to concentrate and accomplish much during my planning time at school. I'm tired of blaming myself for every little thing...

Yesterday I went through a horrible guilty phase. I feel guilty about asking Scott to get up early (he is SO not a morning person) to make my lunch for me because I feel too sick to do it myself. I feel guilty about never wanting to plan or make dinner. I feel guilty about having Scott feed pills to my cat twice a day, from which he now has a few scratches and gashes; a cat he doesn't even want and never really wanted in the first place. I feel guilty that I am so hard to live with, so emotional and unhappy and anxious and dependent. Guilty that every night I need a bedtime snack and ask Scott to make me a smoothie or something. Guilty that I put him through so much, and with all that, he still doesn't have the reward of living with someone that he can feel fully attracted to and emotionally connected to like he quietly longs for.

Now I feel guilty because he is worried that he is the cause of my unhappiness. He longs for me to be happy and to truly understand and believe how much he DOES love me.

I have always been an emotional person, prone to guilt and anxiety. He's always wished that he could find a way to help me be happier.

Today he asked me if certain things he blogs or talks to me about or shows me make me weird. He seemed very sad when he asked. I told him I didn't know. I don't know if it is his being gay, or his talking to me about such things, or Proposition 8, or my struggles with student behavior at school this year, or day-in, day-out struggles with raising children and remembering everything that needs done, like homework and lessons and scout meetings, and making sure everything that needs laundered gets laundered in time for soccer or school or whatever. And making the house payment and the car payment and tithing and...

I told him that I think it is everything.

Everything piling on and making me feel like I just can't do it anymore. I was barely surviving the kids and work and church jobs and finances in my life last year, now add to that new information about my marriage and the choice not to agree with the leaders of the church, and everything else that has come from the gay thing, and it is just too much!

I think I need to stay away from the blogs for a while, but I can't. I come home from work and find Scott blogging and chatting. He is so consumed with all of this, and I think he is doing a lot of good for others. I'm grateful that he has made friends and found acceptance and is helping others do the same, but because he can't stay away from it, neither can I.

I know that some people who read our blogs think things are perfect for us and that maybe they want what we have. But, oh, I caution you to know that it is not easy, that the reason we are getting by is because we are such good friends. But it is still so confusing and uncertain at times.

I was so strong in July and August when everything happened. Scott and I both marveled at my strength (because we both know how weak I am). We realized that I was getting help from beyond, from my Heavenly Father and perhaps from Scott's deceased mother.

But now as I look back on the summer, I remember some of the hard days and that brings back some of the thoughts and emotions I was having at the time, only now I am weak instead of strong, and I am not handling them very well.

A conversation with a student about the movie "Wall-E" reminded me of the feelings I was going through the day after Scott came out to me. In an effort to distract ourselves from the life-changing event, we took our kids to the movie. Not a good time for a cute little romantic entertainment.

I'm so confused and sometimes I just want to go back to last year and forget that any of this ever happened...

But then I see the good that is coming from it too: the help and advice we can give others, the opportunity to educate our families, and especially our children, about tolerance and understanding. I have actually been elated today with glimpses into how this is giving us the opportunity to help others.

But oh, it is hard, and I am just so confused right now about how to pull myself together and accomplish what I need to accomplish.

Meanwhile, I keep pondering another statement from my patriarchal blessing, trying to figure out how to do it..."You will find joy in living, for happiness comes from within."

I think I just want to let Scott hold me for a while.

Trial of Faith

It would be so easy to rid myself of this turmoil and just do what I’ve always done and follow the prophet.

It would have been so easy for Joseph Smith to deny that he saw the first vision and avoid being abused and tarred and feathered and killed.

Or is it, really?

Joseph couldn’t deny that which he had really seen and experienced and knew to be true.

Likewise, I cannot deny what is in my heart, what the spirit has whispered to me about freedom and agency and love and tolerance.

I don’t know why I am letting this all get to me so strongly. It is making me physically ill. Every Sunday I am nervous, my stomach hurts, my brain is fuzzy, I can’t keep from crying. Today I have a headache. Proposition 8 doesn’t even affect me directly, but it hurts so much nonetheless.

One of the high council speakers today mentioned how some members of the church want church leaders to stay out of the Proposition 8 battle. And then he said that he agrees with the leaders and their involvement; that not being involved would send the wrong message to the world.

In Relief Society the lesson was about trials. It started out about the same way this blog post started, how Joseph went through so many trials because he could not deny what he knew to be true. That led the instructor to say how today, we face different trials than the pioneers did, but they are still just as hard even they are more emotional and mental trials than physical. And no matter what the world says is okay, we have to take a stance against things we know to be wrong, like pornography and … (she stammered a bit, like as if she wanted to say gay marriage, but didn’t. Maybe my letter had some sort of impact on her.) …the church has to stand up and say no to things that the world wants.

She said some good things, like how during trials we have to have faith in God that he is refining us and making us better. He allows us to suffer things so that we can show true empathy for others who suffer the same things. She commented on how a couple of her siblings have left the church, and she has seen her mother change from it. The mother is loving and accepting and non-condemning of those siblings, different than she would have been earlier in her life.

But then her thought turned to how some parents try to get the church to change their position and accept their child’s behavior, instead of just loving the child but still recognizing that what the child has done is wrong.

Every time she teaches, I feel like she is speaking directly to me, trying to save my soul from heading the wrong direction.

I have decided that something has to change. I have gone through this week striving for inner peace, striving to accept that God has a higher purpose in all this and that I don’t need to worry. But the peace has not come, and every Sunday I am in more turmoil than I was the week before. I cannot function like this. I know that the gospel is true, and I cannot leave the church, but continuing to stay is agony.

I don’t know what to do. I only hope that things will be easier when the election is over, but by then, will the damage be too much for me to pick up the pieces?