Alternate Paths

I actually went to Sacrament meeting yesterday. The talk was on progression, specifically on eternal progression.

The speaker made tremendous effort to prevent feelings of guilt throughout her talk. She spoke of her own weaknesses, she spoke of trials, she spoke of how sometimes we fall off the path. And that is okay, because we can get back on the path to eternal life.

I wasn't offended by the meeting, and I really enjoyed seeing some friends and singing the hymns, but I realized that I really don't belong there any more.

The thought I had was that some people probably think I have fallen or am falling off the path. But even if I have, aren't I just on a different path? Some paths lead the some place, some paths lead to different places. If the path is a peaceful and happy one, then it seems that it would end up in a similar location. I really hope to find that peaceful path soon, because I am pretty sure it is not within the church.

My father-in-law referenced an article in Mormon Times recently, about a gay man that has joined the church and is happy living church standards, even though he has AIDS and previously lived the gay lifestyle. Scott's dad's comment was that "it can be done" as though anyone can do it. I was quick and firm to correct him. That might be the right path for some people. But just because it is right for and can be done by one person does not mean it is right and can be done by everyone. He also talked to me about the fact that there are still people in the church that are supportive of gay rights, and that are even activists. He was trying to tell me that I could do it too, but again, I tried to convince him that just because some can do it, doesn't mean everyone can, and that I think I've decided that is not the right path for me. At least not right now, and maybe never again. All I know is that I take life one day at a time, seeking peace for me and my children.

There has been interesting news lately confirming that the LDS church actually is losing a lot of members. (Duh!) Former church historian Marlin K. Jensen shared some of the details and concerns, as seen in this article from the Salt Lake Tribune, or this clip from an ABC4 news cast:



Here are comments from interviewees in the newscast that bothered me a bit. They really have no idea...

• "I'm from Chile, and down there a lot of people just stop attending. They take it a little bit too casual."
• "If people are leaving, I think it's really a mark that we all need to get deeper into our faith."
• "When life is going good, and we don't have as many challenges, sometimes we don't turn to God."
• "It does come down to us, as members of the church we need to go out there and do our part."

Most of the people I know that have left or are leaving have not taken leaving casually at all. I have been one of the LEAST casual. Also, I was one of the most faithful members I know, and I don't think I could have been any deeper into my faith. My life is good and challenge-free so I don't need God? HAHAHAHA! The last comment makes me think of how I know the church works with trying to reactivate. I used to do it! Me and my kids are tired of people saying "Where have you been?" or "We miss you." or "Why don't you come any more?" I really appreciate people that don't ask me that, and instead, ask me how I really am, and really try to be my friend.


Some of you might have seen this before, but here is a presentation by John Dehlin, founder of Mormon Stories Foundation, that talks about why people leave the LDS church and what friends and family can do. The problem I see with it is that the people who need it most are probably not willing to listen to it.



I'm hearing and learning of more and more people that are leaving because of historical facts they are finding on the internet. When Scott first shared some of these details with me, it did not affect my testimony, because I know that prophets are men and make mistakes (something with which my Stake President and many other TBMs fiercely disagree), I know that things change and evolve in the church as needed, and I have always had a strong testimony of things like Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon, and of course of God and Christ.

Rather than the historical controversies themselves, I am more bothered by the fact that the church is not honest with its history. By the fact that members are encouraged to follow the prophet over personal revelation, or rather the idea that we should seek personal revelation to see that something the church says or does IS true and right, rather than to find out IF it is true. The fact that Mormon parents try to hide things from their children, like the existance of gay people, and keep them in an environment of closed-mindedness instead of teaching and encouraging them to think for themselves and make their own decisions and mistakes.

And like something I recently discovered in my own ward--parents withholding priveleges from youth, like dating or driving, until the child has earned their eagle scout or young womanhood medalian. And worse yet, it was done at the recommendation of the Bishop!

The behavior of TBMs (True Believing Mormons) like Scott's sibblings that won't let him bring a date to family parties or let their children find out that Uncle Scott is gay, like next door neighbors that don't allow their children to play at my house, or like the situation I described in the above paragraph are doing much more harm to my staying in the church than any weird historical stories from church history. Maybe it is because of my love for youth, for the kids I teach at school, especially the ones in the GSA club, that these things bother me so much!

I am grateful for a mother that taught me by example to be open-minded, to question, to be self-motivated. I accomplished things like earning my Young Womanhood medalian or graduating from seminary because I wanted to, not because I was bribed or threatened. I'm not sure she is glad that she set that example, as she is really concerned right now with the path the children and I appear to be heading down with regards to the church. But I think that she is the reason I still have a testimony.

I've watched others that came from TBM homes that when they find out about church history and start to question, everything that they thought they once believed breaks into a million pieces. They are not able to hang on to any pieces of their testimony as a result, which is sad. I rejoice in my testimony of God, of a life after death, of my Savior and redeemer Jesus Christ. I still love passages from the book of Mormon that have brought so much peace and understanding and hope to my life for nearly 40 years. Where-ever my path may end up, I cannot imagine ever denying these aspects of my testimony that were once so strong. But I also do not judge those who don't believe, who find peace and happiness in other paths like atheism. At least I try not to judge them, but I know I still have work to do in that area. Which is a whole different blogpost entirely!

Consider the Children

(Note: I've included a couple of photos of our children thriving with our gay friends. Openness and honesty is what we've been all about with our family through this change, and it has been wonderful for all involved!)

Last weekend a birthday party for February birthdays in Scott's family, including his down-syndrome brother, was held at his parent's house.

Other than his parents coming to parts of the Mormon Stories conference in November, Christmas Eve dinner, lunch with his little sister, and a funeral for his step-mother's brother earlier this month, he has not associated with his family since July of last year.

I was actually really glad he came to the funeral, because while there his sister asked him about the guy he's dating, whom she had noticed status updates about on Facebook. She has come a long way in truly loving and showing interest in him without restraint.

Anyway, when his mom invited him to the party, he asked if he could bring a date. She told him she would talk to his dad and get back to him. The answer came that others in the family were not yet ready for that step and so while he was welcome, and even urged to come, he was not yet permitted to bring a date, so he informed them he would not be coming to any family events until that was permitted. (Side note: if it is really that big of deal, why can't they just let Scott say "this is my friend?" for now? We've had friends with us at family parties before. I think Scott and his friend would be willing to keep PDA to a minimum while the family just got to know the friend for a few months first. Give it a chance! Compromise! Jeez!)


Last summer he sent a letter to his family, informing them that he would not associate with them until they were ready to accept him completely. It was sparked in part because of his brother that was in town at the time. I didn't want to go to a family party and have the out-of-town family asking where Scott was. So Scott's dad asked them to tell their children that were are divorcing. They did so, and the 10 and 14 year old girls asked why, to which they lied and said "We don't know."

While I realize that parents have the rights to what they want their children to learn at certain ages, the whole thing infuriated Scott and I at the time. And it still does, just thinking about it.

Well, the problem continues, and not even the local siblings are ready for that step, because they don't want to tell their children. I'm sorry--but they are never going to be "ready" for that step until they are willing to jump right in. Maybe they are waiting until their children are grown, which means when uncle Scott is actually willing to come back into their lives because they now know all about him, they will no longer even remember that he ever existed, or they will be so jilted against him because of their upbringing in the church, that they won't want anything to do with him anyway.

Scott's parents took me to dinner last night to talk and to celebrate my birthday (which was over a month ago). Scott's dad feels like he is being as accepting as he can possibly be with Scott, and that he is not capable of changing the fact that he believes some of the things Scott is doing are wrong. I told him that Scott's response to that would be that he is gay and cannot biologically change that, but their beliefs against same-sex relations are just that--beliefs--and so the comparison is flawed. Anyway, Scott's parents have no idea what to do, because they want Scott back in their lives, but they are not willing to step on the toes of the other siblings that refuse to let Scott bring any appearance of a same-sex relationship around their children--probably because they agree with those parents.

Scott's dad also expressed to me that because it is the siblings' rights as parents to decide what is best for their children, that I (and Scott) have no right to be angry with them. That made me angry! I have not crossed the line and told any of their children things that they don't want them to know, but I should not be angry? How do I control whether or not I am angry? I understand that it is their right, but it is not one I agree with, and I am angry about it, and that is that.

I was talking about all of this with Scott last night and then with a good friend of mine in the ward this morning. Scott was grateful for the information about my discussion with his parents, because it solidifies his belief that he cannot handle a relationship with his family right now. His parents are willing to do what the siblings want, but not what Scott wants. So they need to realize that the consequence of that decision means not having a relationship with Scott.

As for the children, wow. I just get so frustrated. I know one of my sister-in-laws tried turning it on me a few months ago, saying that what if the tables were turned and we were still the TBM (True-Believing Mormons) and they were the ones that suddenly and drastically changed their views on gay rights and wanted us to accept them. Would we? I told her I could not answer that question, that I had no idea, but I hoped that I would have been willing to listen to their viewpoints and give them a chance, stepping outside my Mormon box and think for once. In fact, that is exactly what I did when Scott came out to me.  Why wouldn't I have done the same thing if it was one of them instead? I love them--and if this is important to them, then I would have tried. I really think I would.

Anyway, this morning my friend made the comment that in the church we have things that are "sacred" and because they are "sacred", we tend to also keep them secret. So children have a hard time differentiating between sacred and secret, and when parents have a secret, suddenly that is what the children want to know about the very most! What happens, then, is in families where things are not talked about, the children seem to be more likely to experiment with this secret that their parents won't talk to them about.We hear radio ads about this very thing--talking to our children about drugs and alcohol is the best thing we can do to keep them from experimenting with it. Wouldn't the same thing go for sex and homosexuality?

Another thing is that so many people have the misconception that talking to children about what it means to be a homosexual means that they also have to teach their children about sex. Hogwash! The kids came from parents that had sex to get them here, and yet that is not discussed until the kids are ready. Why does telling children that two men or two women love each other immediately mean that they have to teach their children about sex, and a particular kind of sex that the parents are very uncomfortable with and know very little about? Children know what love is, they thrive on love! There is no need to include sex to talk about love and acceptance to children. My concern with families, like our next-door neighbors and Scott's TBM siblings, where they don't talk about that stuff, is that even if they don't talk about it at home, they hear it at school, in the paper, on the news, etc. And if they try to ask questions and their parents just say "we don't talk about that" then it can only make them feel like something is wrong with it, and they will grow into adults that shun and judge others because of it. Or worse yet, if they are gay, they will grow up hating themselves and the damaging cycle with families and homeless youth and suicides continues!

I believe that when Scott's siblings are finally able to tell their children, that a couple of things could happen: the children could be disgusted and judgmental because that is how they've been taught to be, simply because their parents did not discuss it with them, and will want nothing to do with Uncle Scott. Or maybe the children will be angry with their parents for not telling them sooner, thus causing further rifts within their families.

Thank you Mormon church, for helping families break up in so many pieces, for generations yet to come, over this issue! Voting against same-sex marriage is so supportive of and preserving traditional families, right? Like hell, it is.

And you have no idea how close I am to telling all of the children exactly what is going on since their parents won't. What's the worse that will happen? The parents will no longer associate with me. At the moment I don't really want to associate with them anyway, so who gives a rat's ass? I guess the only thing that holds me back is the association that my children have--and crave--with their cousins. And I can't hurt my children like that, even though I think it would be for the best.

Sigh.

Gospel Principles = Happiness?

Today (actually, I guess it was yesterday) our home teacher came and gave us a short lesson about setting a good example. He is a great man and friend, and teaches things in a very humble but confident way, very down to earth. In his message he commented that someday someone might thank us for our example, for standing up for what we know is right. But that no one would ever thank us for doing the wrong thing. Like "thanks for drinking that beer last night" or "thank you for watching that inappropriate movie."

It seemed as though he was mostly talking to my teenagers, not because he thought they needed it, but just because it is a common topic of choice for youth.

But I couldn't help but question the word "never" in his examples. When he gave the beer example, my mind wandered to my New Year's celebration, and how my friends at my house seemed surprised and maybe proud of me that I was willing to try a sip of the champagne that Scott had brought (He pre-approved bringing it with me first, for you curious stalkers out there.) It is now normal for me to try a sip of whatever drink Scott has ordered when we are out to dinner somewhere. So far the only thing that I have liked at all has been a sangria at Applebees. Even then, though, I limited myself to the one sip and I have never desired more. I really can't stand the taste of anything else I have tried, and I hate the way it burns going down my throat. When I first started tasting his drinks, I still had a temple recommend, and I did not feel bad about it. But now that I realize I shall never again have a recommend, it would seem that nothing should stop me from partaking. At least that is how it is with Scott and many of my other friends. But I have no desire to feel the affects of alcohol or to do anything other than taste.

Later today at Scott's parent's house, I overheard a conversation between Scott's dad and a nephew that is preparing for a mission. I was in and out of the audible location of the conversation since I was packing up food I had brought so that my family would be ready to leave. At one point I heard him say "Following gospel principals always makes life easier." I don't know if it was because he became aware of me standing by him at the time, but he seemed to glance at me and say "at least it usually does."

I reponded with "I don't know about that. I was following gospel principles when all hell broke loose in my life."

To which he responded, "But it does make it easier to handle things that come into our lives."

I could have said more, but instead I walked away since I had the cake packaged up and was ready to go. It's moments like these that make me understand why Scott is so uncomfortable in the presence of his family, and why he has chosen not to come at all for the last seven months, other than dinner on Christmas Eve.

On the way home, I sort of processed my thoughts outloud with my daughter. Last week I went to Sacrament meeting and later to a fireside about the upcoming stake pioneer trek this summer, and I spent time crying as a result, with my typical messed-up recovery day on Monday. I ended up crying at lunch to my friends about my post-traumatic stress with listening to my Stake President speak. My active Mormon friends suggested that it was essential that I stop putting myself in that situation and that attending a different ward in a different stake might be a good option.

So I mentioned to my daughter that last weekend was hard on me because of my church attendance, but that today was wonderful with no church attendance. I was going to go because a couple of our neighbors were reporting on their missions, and in fact last week the kids and I had decided that we would all go, but the three oldest kids went while I stayed home with the younger two, the three of us suffering from a mild cold.

So, does following the principle of attending church meetings make life easier? For me and lots of other people I know, absolutely not. That even includes gay-friendly firesides, where the presiding leader gets up to give closing remarks, and knowing his audience, still talks about following the prophet and attending the temple. And that was not in my stake, so I'm not sure that attending somewhere else would be any better for me.

I apologized to my daughter for my being such a bad example (such as sipping champagne on New Years) and she said "You aren't a bad example. You are a good example." She has chosen (at the moment) to be active in the church, and it does not seem to be causing her any anxiety or changing the ways she views gay rights or our gay friends. She honors and recognizes my struggle and decisions regarding church attendance, and does not hold it against me in the least. And she smiled and said, "Be glad that all of this has kept you from becoming like the _________." (Insert name of an extremely righteous family in our ward with extrememly sheltered children.)

If gospel principles are just those outlined in the fourth article of faith, then that would be faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism, and gift of the holy ghost. I do the first two, and I've done the second two. I guess I don't repent of what others think I should repent of--like dissing the prophet on facebook (which was really more like dissing the gospel principles manual), and I guess I have not been attending Sacrament meeting very much lately to take the Sacrament and renew my baptismal covenants, but is all that being too technical? I still try to repent of things that I do that I realize are actually wrong, and right the wrong when possible.

Now that I've brought up the gospel principles manual, I believe that is more likely what my father-in-law means by gospel principles, including honesty and law of chastity and word of wisdom, etc, etc.

As I was processing with my daughter, I mentioned that most Mormons are way to picky about following all of the tiny guidelines with exactness, without deviation, firmly believing that is the only way to be happy.

But I am happier now that I've loosened up a bit with regards to Scott drinking, and by showing him that I really have with my sincere desire to taste-test. I believe it has helped to strengthen our friendship and our newly-defined relationship as co-parents and friends.

I am usually happier now that I don't attend all of my church meetings, other than a bit of guilt that comes from 37 years of regular church attendance.

Happier now that I have a broader view of life and religion and spirituality. (I've begun attending a class on "Integral Spirituality" at a Universal Unitarian church one evening a week.)

I believe that I continue to maintain values and beliefs that will keep me out of trouble and help me to be more happy in the long run, and I am teaching those to my children. In fact, we just decided last week to follow a weekly reading schedule in the Book of Mormon as outlined in the January issue of The Friend magazine.

But I have no idea exactly where the path I am on will end up, and at the moment, I am okay with that. (Who knows how I might feel about it tomorrow.)

Thanks for reading my ramblings, as usual. I wish I had time to post more often. Goodnight.

Stop the world so I can get off...

(You will need to read the other post before you read this one, for it to make more sense.)

My sister called today. She chit-chatted a bit, telling me they had accidently taken home one of my utensils in their salad when they came over for dinner on Labor Day. Then she got to the point of her call.... Dad called her yesterday. He is worried. The kids are old enough to make their own decisions about church...

What the F?

Yes, I know. Where did this all come from. Let's go back to Saturday morning...

I was out shopping, pretty early. Picking up produce from a community co-op, getting a hair cut and then doing some needed shopping at Costco at the beginning of a very over-scheduled day.

As I was driving home, I got a text from a number not in my phone book:

"Tried you a couple of times. Have not canceled your recommend. Would like to try one more time to talk. Would like you to not use it though until we meet. Thnx."

 Me: Bishop? You've tried calling? When? Are you kidding me? Not meeting. I will bring it to you tomorrow. You can have it.

"Tried this morning and tried to catch you the other night. Not what I want but following what I feel, Sarah. I love and care about you and your family."

Me: K. Do what you need to do. I've had it with this church and its Christ-like followers.

I pulled in the garage from my shopping and called Scott to cry on his shoulder. Then I went inside where my daughter apologized. The bishop had called twice so she finally, reluctantly gave him my cell number, knowing that the result would not be plesant. I unloaded my purchases, and then had to leave to pick up another child from a slumber party. On my way, I stopped at the bishop's house and gave my recommend to his grown daughter that answered the door. I said simply, "Give this to your dad.", then turned and took off back to my car.

Here's the thing...
I haven't heard anything for like 3 weeks, and suddenly on Stake Temple day, he is desperate to get in touch with me to tell me not to use my recommend? What about all the times I used it in the 3 weeks? Wouldn't he care about that too, or is it all about appearances? I think he was afraid that someone (read: the person who is my facebook friend and "told" on me) will see me at the temple and then disapprove of the fact that he has allowed me to still have my recommend. Because it was a busy day, with a soccer game and the teenagers doing temple baptisms in the afternoon, I could not figure out a way to make it to the temple myself. But at one point I was planning to go.  I'm glad the whole thing ended up not shattering any elaborate plans...

The kids decided not to do baptisms (my daughter discovered her recommend was expired), but they did want to go to church the next day. So even though I was planning on Saturday to take a break on Sunday, I got up and got everyone ready and off we went. I took my son over to the church first so that he would be on time to pass the Sacrament. When we arrived back at the church with the rest of us, the Sacrament was nearly over, so we soon snuck into the back.  Right after sitting down, the program commenced, and the first speaker announced that she had been assigned to talk about "following the prophet."

You've got to be kidding, right?

I turned to my daughter, said I can't do this, then waded back through the people in the overflow area with all my bags and 3 kids in tow, leaving the oldest two as they desired.

We went in the foyer and sat on the couch, but I could still hear the talk, so that wasn't going to work.

So, we went home.

30 minutes later I took two of the kids back to the church so they could practice for the Primary Program (which is in two weeks, with Stake Conference in between). I returned home and spent a lovely 2 hours with my baby, playing and snuggling and napping.

Then, for the 4th time, I returned to the church to pick up the kids, delivering my oldest son and a friend to another area of the neighborhood to do fast offering call-backs prior to returning home.


AND MY DAD THINKS I SHOULD LET MY KIDS CHOOSE IF THEY WANT TO GO TO CHURCH? WHAT THE HELL DID I DO ALL MORNING? TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, AND ONLY MYSELF?

Sorry for yelling.

You see, the thing is, I called my mom Sunday afternoon, and after I told her about my recommend, I also mentioned that I didn't think I could handle going to church any more, and she started lecturing me about how my kids needed the church to teach them values and such, and so I told her I wasn't in the mood for a lecture and that our conversation needed to be over.

I was even thinking of calling my parents today for the typical chit-chat with them every couple of days. But before I had done so, my sister called, and I was so depressed and furious over the whole thing that there is no way I think I can talk to them for a few days. I don't know if my mom misunderstood me, or if my dad misinterpreted what my mom told him, but of course the kids have a choice. Anyone who knows me would know that I would not keep that agency from my children. Do they all think I've turned into some kind of monster, these people who have known me all my life?

Who knows. Maybe I have. And with each stupid thing like this that happens, I want more and more to be done with this life. I could not kill myself, but I certainly wish I was dead more and more frequently all of the time. Bring on the hell I deserve, sooner than later, because it certainly can't be any worse than the hell I am experiencing daily here on Earth.

Bah.

Trouble with an F that stands for Facebook

(I wrote this Sept. 4th during Sunday School, but I didn't post it until September 14th. Just an fyi about my changing the date on the post.)

A few weeks ago, my last post was about "separation", myself from some elements of the church, and Scott from his family. Instead of venting my views on gay marriage in Relief Society, I walked out and  vented on Facebook. Just a reminder of what I wrote:

"I have to say what I couldn't say in Relief Society. (Instead I walked out.) In my heart I know that my gay friends' marriages are approved by God. I've been in attendance at them and the feeling of happiness and hope was similar to attending a temple marriage. I don't give a sh* what the effin prophets say."

The following week, I was called into an appointment with the bishop. The topic: my Facebook vent. People in the ward are offended and concerned. The bishop thanked me for not saying it in Relief Society, and was also comforted when I explained that the only children on Facebook that can see my posts are my own children. He wanted to know why I posted that kind of thing. As I told him that I cannot be quiet on the gay marriage issue, he just continued to ask why. I left his office saying, "take my temple recommend. Excommunicate me. But I will not be quiet on this issue."

I went home and posted on Facebook about being in trouble with the bishop. Comments of comfort came from many of my friends. Then came a message from a ward friend who has since moved away. His comment made me feel like filth, pure evil. It sunk me into a fit of depression and self deprecation, making the afternoon of my first day of teaching school very difficult:

I considered letting your bishop know, but decided I'd talk to you before I did and never got around to it. You dissed the Prophet in public. I can't see how you can keep a temple recommend in good conscience after doing so. It doesn't matter what terms you used or if you used actual swear words. Your beliefs are your beliefs, however you come by them and I'll say nothing against that. Indeed, having the courage of your convictions is an honorable thing to strive for.

But temples are owned and operated by an organization pledged to honor and support the prophets. Even if you doubt their sacred nature, you should, at a minimum, respect the owners of the place enough to honor the rules of entry. Those rules are simple enough, but include support of the prophet as a basic and fundamental requirement. That's a requirement you no longer fit under any reasonable definition.

I'm sorry if it hurts to hear that. Feel free to unfriend me if you wish. But, like you, I believe in having the courage of your convictions, even in public, and even if the price is dear.

Later, gay friends attacked this friend. It was well-intentioned, but made me uncomfortable. I made this last response, then deleted the whole thread so that the bashing would stop.

 Thank you both for your honesty. I've put some privacy restrictions in force so that people can't see what I post, unless I want them to. I needed a place to be uncensored that day, without restraint. I realized that my comment would come across to many as offensive, but I did not mean it the way it sounds. The expletives ended up in a place of disrespect, and I'm maybe 10% sorry for that, but I still chose to do it because it was venting amongst friends, friends that know me, know my testimony, and know that I was just voicing my frustration over words from a manual (aka "prophets" is what I used). It does not mean that I do not respect and view prophets as such. It just reflects my view that leaders of the church are not perfect and do not always speak for god. If the bishop  asks me for my recommend, or "deactivates" the bar code or whatever, I will understand. But if it is up to me to give it up, then I won't, because I know what is in my heart and what my words meant and I do not feel that it makes me any less worthy than temple recommend holders who judge me harshly for my words on a semi-private forum.

The friend, however, assumed I only blocked him so that he could not see the ensuing conversation bashing him. The next day, as I was driving to an appointment with my therapist, this former ward member sent me a scathing private Facebook message, then unfriended me. It made me very sad, and I was calmed by later chatting with his wife.

**********************************************************

Meanwhile, following a letter than Scott sent his family, one of his family members decided to unfriend us both on Facebook. I sent this person a message to try to understand the situation better, and I didn't hear back. So a week or so later, I text messaged the person to see if they received my other message, to which the answer was yes, but they wanted to talk instead of message. Dang. This was not one of those times that I wanted to talk in person, but I said okay, although that I wasn't strong enough emotionally to discuss it right then.

A couple of weeks passed, and even though I still didn't feel like discussing it over the phone, I really felt like we needed to resolve it. So Saturday night I contacted the person and we decided to talk Sunday morning during my Sunday school class because our church schedules conflicted. This was the same Sunday that later in the day I was called into the bishop's office for my Facebook status the previous week.

So we talked, and the person explained that they unfriended us because they were tired of the drama, and that they felt if the tables were turned, that Scott and I would not have been able to handle and accept any more than they have been able. Upon further discussion of trying to understand each other, I became very emotional, as I was afraid I would, and so let them know that I needed to end the conversation, and we parted the phone call amicably.

But I was no longer in the mood to endure my last church meeting, especially a lesson on eternal families. So after I played the opening hymn, I left Relief Society and sat in the hall, half listening, half chatting with a gay friend that has moved away.

So then later, after talking to the bishop, I was frustrated with my ward Facebook friends, and frustrated with Facebook in general, and for some reason I decided to post that if anyone had seen me upset at church, it was because of a conversation with someone in Scott's family, and not because of them at that point.

So then, the next day, I was recovering from the first day of school and depression from the Facebook comment mentioned at the beginning of this post, when I received a text from the family member I had spoken to the day before, chewing me out for mentioning it on Facebook, because now other members of the family were asking questions. That was enough to sink me into a state of insanity during which I could not stop crying and I wished I was dead. The children freaked out too, obviously, at the sight of my fit, and contacted Scott to come help.

I found out a few days later, that my daughter sent some angry messages to this family about accepting Scott. She was concerned about me and needed to vent, but of course that brought on more harm than good.
 

Since then, all has been quiet. Other than a few chats with a couple of Scott's sisters that have reached out in concern for me, I have not really talked to his family, nor them to me. I need a break from them for a while, and probably vice versa. I have tried to be more polite on Facebook, and have considered getting rid of it completely from my life. Meanwhile, I continue to attend church, but I can see repurcussions of what happened a couple of weeks ago with the children, as they seem to have less desire to be involved with church and extended family.

Separation

Separation has been good to us. Scott and I have both grown and found happiness in so many ways by increasing the distance between us. Last night we went to dinner to celebrate our upcoming 16th wedding anniversary. It was pleasant as we enjoyed a wonderful meal together, chit chatting about miscellaneous things as well as updating each other on how our lives are going, especially on how everything is going financially as we have been working on getting new, separate accounts and dividing debts and bills.

I know that a lot of outside people looking in feel bad for me. Many of them blame Scott, from mild disappointment to outright "he is consumed by evil spirits" judgement. But the hard part has not been the change in my relationship with Scott--most of that actually happened last summer when he moved downstairs. (Our 15th anniversary was much more difficult for me than our 16th will be.) The hardest part is the change that has come over the past year with extended family. I gave the book "Gay Mormons?" to all of our siblings and to our parents for mother's day. One of my siblings (and spouse) told my parents that they did not plan to read it at all. That spurred on a conversation between them and me that ended with me saying that I didn't want to talk until they were willing to read and learn and talk about the elephant in the room. Things have obviously been very quiet and awkward between us ever since. Meanwhile, in Scott's family, some family members that were accepting at first have become unacceptable, some that have been quiet have remained quiet, and some that were making great efforts have now hit an impassible brick wall.

What is the impassible brick wall? Church "doctrine". Doctrines like the word of wisdom and the family proclamation, "scriptural" quotes like "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God." For a year or a bit more, since Scott started dating guys and drinking occasionally, he has been very uncomfortable hanging out around his family. They have treated him nicely and made every effort to appreciate and include him, so they don't understand why it isn't enough.

Two or three weeks ago he wrote them a letter telling them that he is done associating with them unless they are willing and able to make changes to how they act and feel about our situation. The straw that broke the camel's back was his brother's unwillingness to tell his daughters (ages 10 and 13) about "Uncle Scott". There was a family BBQ while this brother and his family were in town, and Scott refused to attend. I expressed to my in-laws that I did not want to have to answer everyone's "Where is Scott?" question. So the brother sat down with his girls and told them that Scott and I are separated and getting divorced, to which the girls asked why, and the parents lied and said, "We don't know exactly. Things like this happen sometimes."

Scott was livid, and thus he wrote a letter. (Maybe I will get his permission to post it, or ask him to put it on his blog.) He and I talked about it again last night over dinner, because I have been with his family enough to know how much they are hurting from missing him, and how helpless they feel. They are at such a loss for how to handle it and what to do. I've told them a lot of things about how Scott is feeling, but I really don't know how to help if they are convinced that the church is never wrong. And part of me wishes that he could just let their disappointment roll off his back and continue to associate with them anyway.

But he helped me last night to understand. I am not him and cannot personally feel the pain he is feeling, but if he says distance from his family is a necessity for him, how can I judge that? His comment to me about it last night was, "Until they agree that the church is wrong with the gay issue, I cannot be around them, because regardless of how much they say they love me, there will always be a "but..."

I still feel like church is the place for me to be. I have good friends there. I have opportunities to learn and grow from interactions (and help others to do the same.) But of course my feelings for the church and my place within it are up and down, and I have realized that there is no way I can predict where my church attendance and membership will end up. I sit through the lessons, occasionally touched by a sentence or a feeling here or there, but trying not to be hurt or offended by things that could easily hurt me, like the last few lessons on eternal marriage. (One of the teachers said she couldn't get me out of her mind while preparing her lesson and hoped that she had been able to teach it without it being too hard on me. The worst part was realizing that when she said "some of us marry goobers" that she was thinking of Scott as a "goober." I do not blame her for her good intentions, but I do get tired of people making Scott out to be the "bad guy.")

So there I was today, doing my best to recognize that the correlated lesson material comes from the church, quotes from church leaders etc., in which many members place their unquestioning faith. The lesson today was on the law of chastity, and the following quote was read:

Like other violations of the law of chastity, homosexual behavior is a serious sin. Latter-day prophets have spoken about the dangers of homosexual behavior and about the Church’s concern for people who may have such inclinations. President Gordon B. Hinckley said:

“In the first place, we believe that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God. We believe that marriage may be eternal through exercise of the power of the everlasting priesthood in the house of the Lord.

“People inquire about our position on those who consider themselves so-called gays and lesbians. My response is that we love them as sons and daughters of God. They may have certain inclinations which are powerful and which may be difficult to control. Most people have inclinations of one kind or another at various times. If they do not act upon these inclinations, then they can go forward as do all other members of the Church. If they violate the law of chastity and the moral standards of the Church, then they are subject to the discipline of the Church, just as others are.

“We want to help these people, to strengthen them, to assist them with their problems and to help them with their difficulties. But we cannot stand idle if they indulge in immoral activity, if they try to uphold and defend and live in a so-called same-sex marriage situation. To permit such would be to make light of the very serious and sacred foundation of God-sanctioned marriage and its very purpose, the rearing of families” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1998, 91; or Ensign, Nov. 1998, 71).

So, sitting through that bunk was hard enough, but then the first words out of the teacher's mouth after the quote was read was something having to do with following the prophet.

I got up and walked out. I was calm. But I knew if I stayed, I wouldn't stay calm, and I would either turn into a pile of mush, or I would say what was on my mind. Either option would not be pretty or appropriate for the meeting. Walking out was the better option. The Relief Society president followed me. She tried to hug me and said she was sorry that the lesson was hard on me. I responded that I could not deny support of my gay friends to marry. She shrugged and said something about church doctrine or teachings or something. I told her I was alright and just had to leave the situation for a bit. Then I left her and went outside and took a walk around the building. Then I came inside and took another walk around the inside air-conditioned building. I needed/wanted to go back, but I had to get it out of my system first. Should I call Scott? No... I know! I will post it on Facebook. That way people in the ward will even see it. Family will see it. And they will see where my loyalties lie: with love, with God, and with my friends.

Here is my post:
"I have to say what I couldn't say in Relief Society. (Instead I walked out.) In my heart I know that my gay friends' marriages are approved by God. I've been in attendance at them and the feeling of happiness and hope was similar to attending a temple marriage. I don't give a sh* what the effin prophets say."

With that post and resulting accolades from LGBTQ friends and allies, I was reminded of three years ago when my struggle was to understand God's position on gay rights. I kept praying and praying, and the answer finally came from my patriarchal blessing: "You have been given the talent to believe and accept truth." As I think of that again today, I feel confidently that God was and is telling me to trust my heart. If I believe that he approves of gay marriage, and I accept that belief, and I have a talent for accepting truth, then logically it must be truth.

I'm not sure this fits in this blog post, but another thing that occurred to me recently is that maybe leaders and general conference talks are pushing the topic of "Following the prophet. Follow your inspired leaders." because someday many church members may have a hard time following and agreeing with new church policies regarding homosexuals. Who knows? :)

Unexpected Sadness

I haven't blogged for a long time, for two reasons, I think. One, I am too busy. And two, life has been pretty happy and peaceful, and the ideas I have had for blog posts have not been angsty enough to warrant the *need* to process in written form, (or sometimes I have processed through them by writing, but just in a note-pad on my phone during church, and then I've never gotten back to them to publish them.)

But here it is two in the morning, and I can't sleep and I can't stop crying, so I guess it is time to process. And then I will grade some trigonometry finals while I am up and there are no children to interrupt me! :)

The story begins ten years ago when two of Scott's siblings were married within a month-and-a-half of each other. The two weddings gave me the opportunity to compare and contrast the events and how I felt at each, since one of them was in the temple and one was not. I will never forget the difference in how I felt, and it was a significant moment for my testimony of the importance of the sealing ordinance.

Therefore, I was thrilled a month or so ago to discover that the one who was married in her in-laws' home was now making preparations to be sealed. I was very glad that I had my recommend so that I wouldn't be left out.

Then tonight at a family birthday/dinner party (or last night, I guess), my mother-in-law presented them with a gift--a porcelain replica of a temple--and then she pushed them to share their experience of the day before as they and their four children were sealed in the temple. It became the main topic of discussion, as it rightfully should have been! Everyone ran to the computer to see a photo that a friend had taken and put on Facebook of the six of them in white, hand in hand outside the temple.

At first I thought my feeling of disappointment was due to the fact that the event had been kept low-key, with only the two sets of parents and some close friends invited. It totally makes sense to do as they did, since the families are large, and people without recommends would be left out, and who do you invite and who do you not invite as not to hurt feelings, and the fact that they just wanted to keep it small because yes, it was important, but they did not want the pomp and circumstance to detract from that.

But then as the discussion continued, and everyone was so excited to hear the details, my sadness deepened. It wasn't just disappointment at not being invited, it was about me and MY marriage and MY eternity. I have been doing so well lately and thought I had mourned most of it out of my system, but apparently not. Eventually, the tears began to overflow, and I realized too late that we should have left sooner so that I could have kept them inside so as not to detract from the evening.

I briefly told my daughter what was wrong so that she wouldn't worry about me, but when Scott, concerned, tried to discover the source of my sadness on the way home and then again at home, I could not tell him. I could not share the pain with him. Not only would it make him sad that I am sad, but I'm also not sure if he understands anymore just how hard it is for me, when he has distanced himself so much from the church and the gospel, when he no longer believes what he once did about eternity and temple ordinances. He would try to sympathize to comfort me, but he would not be able to empathize, and that--the loss of his testimony--just makes it all the more painful.

And so I mourn a loss, while trying hard to find the hope I have had so many times, the faith that God knows all things, and that everything will work out for the best for him and me and our family. I know God brought us together in the first place and confirmed that we should marry. So he must have a plan for us. And I just need to endure and be patient to find out the end of my story...

Rumors

Scott and I debated about whether or not to include a "newsletter" with our Christmas card this year. One thing was for sure though--if we did write a letter, we wanted to be completely honest with our friends and family.

As December arrived, I started to play around with words on paper. I came up with a letter I was comfortable with, and then I forwarded it to Scott for editing.

I was only slightly nervous the morning I dropped them in the mail, to aunts and uncles, college roommates and friends from high school, to people from our ward who have moved away, and to Scott's mission president. But I thought it best not to beat around the bush, to prevent rumors and hearsay and just let the truth be known, to prevent awkward excuses or conversations at future reunions.

Instead, I have now heard from a man in the ward, who talked to Scott's step-cousin who heard from his parents about our letter, and I probably have just fanned the flames of the rumor mill instead of calming them. :D I wonder if our parents have received concerned phone calls from any of their sibblings. If so, I wonder what they are saying. Even though I wonder, I honestly don't want to know. I will let them be awkward. It could be good for them!

We also received an interesting letter from Scott's mission president, saying that the only reason a marriage falls appart is if one of the spouses is sinning, and so that spouse should confess and repent.

Anyway, for those of you who are not lucky enough to have received a Christmas card from us, here are the important parts of the letter. Enjoy!

Every year brings many adventures, and 2010 has definitely been no exception. In fact, Sarah's motto this year coincides with this year's Young Women's Theme in Joshua 1:9. "Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."

The most significant event of the year was the birth of baby Sebastian on June 28. He is our pride and joy, and all of his siblings spoil him terribly as none of them can ever handle hearing him cry. In fact, they might cry collectively more than he does as their fights over him often end in tears. Mom and Dad definitely appreciate all of the help, especially when it comes to diaper changes and babysitting (for those much needed nights out).

(The letter proceeds to talk a little bit about each of the other four children.)
 

The toughest adventure has been the "separation" of Scott and Sarah. For now, they continue to live in the same house, (and plan to continue to do so indefinitely while they raise the children) and they remain good friends. In fact, if you were to peek in at our family at a random time, chances are things would appear no different than they've always been.
 
Scott continues to work for ______________, where his focus has changed from IT to graphic design and marketing. He is dating occasionally, and hopes to eventually find a new life partner to share his heart and dreams with.
 
Sarah continues to enjoy teaching math full time at _________ High School, supervising the RAIN club (the school's gay-straight alliance, "Rising Against Intolerance Now"), and spending the rest of her hours, both day and night, with her five greatest blessings (the children). She is not anxious to play the dating game and does not plan to date in the near future—unless she happens to stumble across a (straight) man who sweeps her off her feet.

We are aware of and ever grateful for the prayers that are uttered in our behalf. It's difficult to imagine what this year would have been like without the support and love of family and friends, and without the love and atonement of our Savior, whose birth we celebrate at this time of year.

Without a doubt, many more adventures await us in the coming year. We hope this greeting finds you happy and healthy, and blessed with faith and hope and the support of angels as you face your own adventures with strength and courage.

Merry Christmas!

Dreading a conversation

Scott's parents have kind of followed what is happening with us over the past few months because they read our blogs once in a while.

I would get a text from my mother-in-law saying something like, "just read your blog. My heart is heavy. You will always be our family no matter what. We love you and you are in our prayers."

But my parents don't even know what blogs are, let alone how to read them.

And they worry and fret and lose sleep over every little thing...

So, considering some health problems my dad was having a few months ago and the resulting fear and stress, I chose not to tell my parents what was going on in my life, other than the pregnancy and work.

And I chose also not to tell my siblings. I had been telling my sister everything, so I'm not sure why I didn't tell her. I guess I figured she didn't need the stress, either. And I guess I was hoping that Scott would change his mind, and so I didn't want to give her any reason to worry if it ended up that nothing was changing in our marriage.

And then there is my brother and his wife. I used to be incredibly close to them, and we told each other everything. We have had a couple of rough spots over the years, but before I told them about Scott on labor day 2 years ago, we were getting along as well as ever. In the past two years, however, they have been quite withdrawn from us, and the weird vibes I get from them seem to be getting worse. I wondered a few months ago if they also read our blogs but have not told us.

Well, during the first week of school (about August 25th), I finally told my mom that Scott is now sleeping downstairs, and that he thought it best if we eventually divorce. My decision to tell her came from her recent curiosity. "Scott's not home? Is he working late? Oh, he's out with friends? Why aren't you with him?"

After I told her everything, she said that she was not surprised, that she had sensed that something was going on. She also asked me not to keep things from her, that she would rather know what was going on than to wonder and worry about what might be happening.

Oh well. I still think waiting this long was the right thing to do.

But now it takes on a life of its own. My mom tells my dad (of course I expected her to), and my dad tells my brother who tells his wife. She calls me, her voice sounding frantic--"Are you okay?"--like as if she expected to find me crying that very moment. I didn't really have time to talk, but I assured her that I was fine. That I was a wreck a month ago, but that life was good overall.

Next day my brother unfriends Scott on facebook. His wife reminds me that he is very protective of me and is therefore having a really hard time with the news.

I have had many people to talk to over the past month and prior that have allowed me to vent and work through my feelings. But I have primarily chosen people who understand the complexity of the situation, people who will continue to love and support both Scott and I through this change in our lives: blog readers of course, Moho friends, my therapist, and recently my best friend at school.

I knew that my family would not understand. I knew that they would be angry and judgmental of Scott, and I wanted to work through my own anger for Scott first, so that their anger would not influence me and make it harder for me to deal with. Now, their negative emotions and reaction actually make me less angry with Scott and more protective and defensive of him.

I did tell my sister a month ago, when Scott's post and decision to move downstairs made me wake up to what is happening. She just listens, and although I know she loves me and is concerned for me, she doesn't appear to be overly stressed or angry with the situation at all.

After Scott's text to let me know of my brother's un-friending, I sent my brother a message, telling him that the best support he can give me is not being angry with Scott, and trying to realize that this is difficult for him as well. A short facebook conversation ensued, where I learned what information my dad passed along, and just how disgusted my brother is at the thought of Scott ever having a boyfriend. He admitted that he would probably never completely understand, but I feel the same way. I can try, but I will never be gay and will never really understand what it feels like and what Scott is going through.

Anyway, I really need to face the inevitable but uncomfortable issue of talking with my brother and his wife in person so that they will know better what is going on. Probably sooner than later would be best. ugh. How do I schedule such a thing and then guarantee that I am not going to be having a bad day? I want to be strong and supportive of Scott when I talk with them, not angry and likely to talk badly of him. So I just keep putting it off. 

Blog Lynching

Anyone else want to join the party to lynch my blog?

There are a few people that have been working on it for a long time, like various local religious leaders, my boss and a couple of co-workers.

The most recent recruits?

My parents.

And they don't even read it.


Apparently they called some extended family regarding some news, and were told, "Oh yeah, we already know that from Sarah's blog."

So then they start to fret, as they are so good at doing about everything ( I learned well from them how to stress out all the time about the smallest of things.) And their fretting turns into 20 questions for me this evening.

...like maybe I have mentioned something about "such and such" on my blog that has resulted in an influx of sales calls to my parents for a certain line of products.

...or maybe I have mentioned something that will tell people the best time to burglurize them.

Do I have stupid written on my forehead? Even my last blog post, "Flying solo", was written several days before I posted it because I didn't want people to know that I was home by myself, so I scheduled it to post when Scott was nearly home from CA.

And I have tried to be extrememly careful about listing detailed information about anyone, especially since I was "talked to" at work about FERPA and student anonimity, and therefore closed my blog for a month to clean up a bit, not just for students, but others as well.

It is all so stupid.  And then add to it the other stupid things bouncing around in my head, like friends that continue to hold a grudge against us, making it so that when we see them it is very awkward, seeing them talk and laugh with other people and they won't even look at us, let alone give us the time of day.

Like a priesthood blessing that was not mentioned to Scott and I because obviously ( or at least I assume they think) Scott is not worthy to help and participate, even though it is nothing "official". Just for that, when they all start pushing for our baby to be blessed, I will invite them to a private father's blessing in our home, regardless of whether or not it is approved by anyone in the church or makes it on church records.

And then there is BYU squashing a friend's final project. So stupid.

Yes, I am a very angry woman, hear me roar!

And please just let me be angry for a while.

Three weeks...

...and counting.

Scott wasn't sure how I would handle it, but it has been so nice--no panic attacks or three hours of misery and crying on Sundays.

The first week I chose songs for Relief Society and got a sub. The second week I picked songs and called the education counselor in the presidency to let her know. Today I didn't worry about it. As Scott says, I gave my 3 weeks notice to the bishop 4 weeks ago.

Meanwhile, the children continue to attend by their own choice. They haven't gone to sacrament meeting, but I take them over and pick them up from the other two hours. This morning they were more wishy-washy than usual. I told them they could go, or stay home and we could watch a church-produced movie. "Like Prince of Egypt?", the 12-year-old asked. No, like Legacy or Testaments.

When a half hour to Sunday school time came around, he still wouldn't decide. I gave another choice: decide to go (and get ready right now) or not go, and we will start a movie. But if you don't choose now, you will sit here and read your scriptures for two hours.

Within a few minutes, everyone was getting ready to go.

Scott and I made great use of the two hours with some much-needed conversation.

I've found some great apps for my new iPhone with scriptures and lesson manuals and audio of talks and Mo-tab musical programs. I am beginning to establish some personal gospel study habits.

We were with Scott's family tonight for a b-day dinner/get together. Toward the end, something came up about the day and I shared the choices I had given the children, and that they had all chosen church. Then I mentioned in passing how easy it has been for me to not go for 3 weeks, nice to not walk in the building and have a panic attack. (Especially today when it was ward conference and the stake president probably spoke.)

Scott commented later how his ultra-Mormon brother and his wife were eying us a little strangely the next few minutes while we were all gathering up things in preparation for heading home. I must have given them a bit of a shock.

Oh well, life is good for the most part. Here comes another week!

Done?

Yesterday I was casually chatting with my mom, when she told me they had a home teacher come for the first time in a few months. The man's teenage son is supposed to come with him, but apparently he is having problems with the son not wanting to go to church, etc. She was going on about how it is hard to know what to do about something like that, every child should come with an instruction manual, etc.

In one phrase, I changed the casual conversation to a not so casual one. I said, "I have the opposite problem: teenagers that want to go to church and parents that don't want to go with them." My mom is great, not judgemental, trying to sympathize and understand and keep the conversation light, but by the end, I know that I left her with a large amount of stress in her mind regarding something she really can do nothing about.

But today I went to church anyway.  Daughter singing in Sacrament meeting with the Young Women. Son passing the Sacrament. Both of them substituting in Primary while we had a 5th Sunday every-adult-in-the-ward meeting during Relief Society and Priesthood.

I felt horrible--headache, really tired (but the party was worth it :), and had another panic attack during Sacrament meeting, so I took it easy, sat in the foyer to listen to the bishop's lesson.  I was sitting by the stake offices and heard a discussion about girl scout cookies, so I stepped in to see if anyone needed to order any, and the stake president said from his office across the hall, "Put me down for this and this, please."  Then he said, "Sarah, come in here for a minute." The conversation did not go well.  He has been waiting for a month and a half for me to respond to questions in an email he sent me, questions that I didn't really feel like needed answered. And of course he said it all with an "I love you, but...". I don't need that kind of love, the kind that comes with a condition and lots of advice on how I need to live my life.  I rolled my eyes and left.  I texted Scott through the rest of the lesson, then sobbed all the way home.

For my own mental health, I have to be done.  Sorry Mom, sorry kids.  I have to take care of myself first, and continuing to go is not helping anyone.

Ward Temple Day

The bishop declared yesterday ward temple day, and that everyone should attend the temple with their families as a gift to the Savior this Christmas.

Wish I could.

So I sent my children instead.  They went with two of their cousins, and the oldest one drove.  They had 3 family names to do baptisms for, and my daughter decided to go along, hoping she could do some temple file names. It was my son's first time, and he was nervous. I longed to go with him.

But all went well without me.  The Oquirrh Mountain Temple was busy, so they each did their one family name, and that was it (daughter was given a card from a different family that was there). Son enjoyed it and realized that I was right when I told him he didn't need to be nervous.

Now my brother and sister will do the rest of the work without me. My mom doesn't know who else to have help with the sealing.  We talked about it a few weeks ago and stood and cried in her kitchen, holding each other. I cried as I told my parents that Scott no longer attends church with us. That he is no longer even trying to get his recommend.

I'm waiting to hear from the Stake President as he talks to active LDS (with recommends) who are also members of Affirmation (or rather, talks to their priesthood leaders, I guess).

I don't know what will happen.  I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.  I only hope I can pick up the pieces again when it is all over.  My desire to hang in there is wanning, and bitterness is starting to get the best of me. I pray often for my heart to be softened, that I can forgive my leaders.  But it is so hard.

Two weeks ago the kids and I stayed home from church with Scott.  I asked the kids the night before, "Do you want to go pass the Sacrament tomorrow?" "Do you want to go to Young Women's tomorrow?" "Do you want to go to Primary tomorrow?"  Each of them told me "not really."  So we slept in, we watched "Music and the Spoken Word" featuring Natalie Cole.  Scott made breakfast for us.  Sweedish pancakes! Yum! We listened to more uplifting music of Christmas and our Savior, and our home was filled with love and peace and the spirit.  I did not get a substitute for Relief Society music for the first time ever.  As expected, they survived without me.

It was so much easier than getting everyone up and fighting with them to get them ready, having our 4-year-old ask on the way to church, "Where is dad?", sitting through meetings fighting morning sickness and hoping I brought enough food with me, facing all the smiles and "how are you"'s of everyone in the ward, some of them obviously trying harder to reach out to me since I am there alone. Some of them asking where Scott is. And I tell them the truth, and I cry. I used to cry because he was not there with me.  Now I cry because I am not home with him, and I feel like a ward project. And worst of all, facing the occaisional comments in lessons about how the world is spiraling downward, and we need to be careful not to be distracted by even one tiny thing that we don't agree with, that might eventually cause us to completely give up that which is most important to us.

What is more important?  Going to church where I am in turmoil and conflict and cry all the time?  Or staying home with my family, feeling the peace of the spirit and the love that we share. But of course staying home guarantees that I will not get my recommend back. Curses.

Please, dear God, help me figure out what to do. What is best for my children.  What is best for Scott.  What is best for the unity and peace of our family. What is best for ME.

All I want for Christmas is an answer.

Homosexuality is like lice

Scott and I were just discussing the similarities between how people react when they find out someone is gay compared to finding out that someone has lice. One of our children has had lice this past week, and it has been interesting to observe the attitudes of others as we have shared this news with them.

This son had a birthday party (slumber party) to go to, and so I told the mother of his lice just in case, even though we combed through his hair carefully before he went and were pretty confident that there was nothing on his head to contaminate anyone else. The mother did not mind at all. She said that she has worked in group homes, and that lice come and go frequently, and it was no big deal to her.

Meanwhile, family that we were going to spend the weekend with to watch conference at a family condo were not sure they wanted us to come, because they were afraid of catching the lice or maybe thought that the condo would be infested with lice that would then become a burden for everyone in the family.

********

Before Scott came out to me and I read No More Goodbyes, I had very little understanding of homosexuality; it is hard to really remember how I felt about it because I wasn't aware at the time of how I was feeling. But I have been able to observe the reaction of others to Scott this past year, as well as hear many stories of how families and friends reacted to others' coming out. Often there is a lack of education and understanding, a fear and judging and making assumptions, etc.

Likewise, when I have heard about families with lice, I think I have been concerned about staying away from them to prevent catching it. But now that it is my own child with lice, he is my son, and I can't banish him from the house or stop hugging him just because I am afraid of catching lice. Instead, Scott and I have been learning everything we can in order to understand it and take care of our family.

So, we now have the unique opportunity to learn all about lice, about how it prefers clean hair, about how it is harder to catch than you might think (like mostly transferred by head to head contact rather than off of objects, since lice can survive for at most 48 hours when not on a human host.) About how it is not essential to bag up all stuffed animals and pillows for 2 weeks, about how vacuuming is better than poisonous sprays on furniture and carpet. You get the picture.

Because of people's misconceptions and misunderstanding (because they are uneducated on matters of lice), they let prejudice and fear influence judgments and assumptions against even people that they love.

Sound familiar?

(Of course there is the obvious difference that lice actually can be caught, as opposed to other things like homosexuality that aren't contagious, even though some people believe otherwise :-).

******************

Lice remind me of my favorite story from the book The Hiding Place. (For anyone who hasn't read it, I highly recommend it.) In a nutshell, it is the true story of two Christian women in a concentration camp during WWII that secretly read their bible together every day. One day they read a scripture that tells them to be grateful in all things. They start listing things that they are grateful for. One of them mentions being grateful for the lice. The lice? The other sister cannot fathom being grateful for the lice, but tries to be grateful, with her sister's encouragement to be grateful for all things. Later they find out that because of the lice, the guards were less likely to enter their building, and therefore they were able to hide their bible and read it daily without getting in trouble.

Earlier this week, the children and I recalled this story (I shared it with them in a Primary Sharing Time a few years ago right after I had read the book) and wondered if we could find a reason to be grateful for the lice. Here is what I have come up with in the days since: I am grateful for the opportunity to learn about lice. I am grateful for the motivation to give the boys needed haircuts, the motivation to be a bit more thorough in cleaning our house (especially the kids' rooms and changing their bedding). I am reminded of how grateful I am that Scott is so willing to be a good husband and father in helping with the children, for cutting their hair, for combing through everyone's heads every day, for researching and buying the best comb out there. I am also grateful that we can enjoy conference alone this weekend with Scott's parents at the family condo because everyone else is afraid to come for fear they will catch the lice! :) I am grateful that extended family has had a chance to learn more about lice, just like they have had the chance to learn more about homosexuality in the past year.


What fun thing do we get to learn about next?

Irony or Coincidence?

(Originally posted on my new blog: http://serendipityuncensored.blogspot.com/)

Why is it that our temple recommends expired within 2 weeks or so of the following:

• Tonight our stake had a "Family History Jeopardy" night. Members of the stake competed with questions about the new church website for documenting family information and temple work. In between rounds of "jeopardy", each ward had a prepared "commercial". Our oldest 2 children were asked to participate weeks ago, and so we went to support them. And of course the overall theme of the "show" was doing our family history work and then reaping the blessings of attending the temple and completing the ordinances for family names.

• Also mentioned was Stake Temple day, which is tomorrow. There is a special meeting in the chapel and then a dinner, which we signed up to attend the morning of our infamous recommend interviews. Before the closing prayer tonight, the temple day was mentioned, especially regarding the blessings we will receive from attending. (I unexpectedly lost control of my emotion at that point and sobbed through the closing prayer.)

• My mom has some names that need temple work done. This doesn't happen very often because so much of it has already been done. She has plans for the sealing, specifically, to be done by her, me, my sister and my brother, because that is how many people we will need. I haven't told her anything yet about my recommend, and I hope I won't have to. The baptisms haven't been done yet by the kids, so we still have some time. But not enough time if this isn't resolved with the Stake President on Sunday.

• Also, Scott and I have not attended the temple for a few months and have really had no desire to do so. But during the month of August, I kept feeling like I wanted to go, but we could not figure out a time to schedule in a trip, and so we never did. I kept thinking I would go early some morning or something (maybe even by myself) but I never did. (I just sat around being depressed with no motivation to get myself anywhere.) The day we talked to the Bishop, the main thing I kept thinking about was the fact that I never acted on the prompting to go.

Anyway, is this all just coincidence, or does it mean something?

Generation Gaps

Yesterday I was talking to my mom on the phone, and she mentioned visiting her new illegitimate great-grand baby in the hospital.

She started out with "She is a cute baby, and [names of family members] were all there."

And then it led to "But [my daughter-in-law]--or "grandma"] and [mother of grandma] just seemed so proud to have a new baby in the family. Is it wrong that it bothers me that they were so pleased?"

Me: (some kind of sound to indicate I am still there and listening, but somewhat distracted due to the soccer practice that is going on a few feet away.)

Her: "I don't know about this younger generation. I guess I just have a hard time accepting things like this (a baby born to an 18 year old and 19 year old that are not married), and also with things like . . . Scott's issue. "


What the heck?


Me: "But those are not the same thing at all. Scott hasn't done anything wrong."

Mom: (thinking oops, sounding flustered) "I know, I understand that they are different, but I still have a hard time accepting both things. Does that make sense?"

Me: "Yeah, I think I know what you mean." (Calmly change subject and friendly chat for a while longer.)



So, what did she mean? Does she mean that it is hard to accept that some people actually have gay feelings? Does she mean that it is hard to believe that people don't "choose" to be gay because it is not what she grew up with? Does she mean that it is hard to accept that Scott is talking about his feelings instead of staying deep in the closet?

And is it okay that it bothers me for her to have lumped homosexual feelings (without "acting" on it, or more importantly, without committing adultery) in the same category as fornication?

And is it really all that bad to love a new grandchild or great grandchild, regardless of the circumstances that brought her into this confused world? What would Jesus do?

Interesting conversation, to say the least. It didn't really bother me--after all, my mom was born in the 1930s, but still. She is apparently struggling with this more than she lets on. How can I help her?

Pioneers, Charity, and Forgiveness

I really enjoyed church yesterday. We went to bed pretty late, and so I assumed that I would be nodding off throughout the three hours of meetings, but I didn't.

In sacrament meeting, the talks were on pioneers. The first speaker actually referred to pioneers in the sense that we can all be pioneers, based on the definition "one who is first or among the earliest in any field of inquiry, enterprise, or progress". As she spoke, I thought of the book No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons around our gay loved ones, and how Carol Lynn Pearson uses the "pioneer" theme in her book. Some people have said that Scott and I (and others of you, as well) are pioneers when it comes to attitudes in the church regarding gay issues. The other talk was about the actual pioneers that we think of in July, and I am always intrigued listening to pioneer stories, reminded of the faith and sacrifices and suffering of the early members of the church. I could never have handled the things they had to go through.

In Sunday School there was an interesting discussion about unrighteous dominion (D&C 121:39--“almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, … will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion”) and Scott found it very ironic when someone commented that we (as the church or members of the church) should not force our religious beliefs on others. Huh, imagine that. Also, the teacher spoke a lot about pride and of not judging others. I thought it was a very nice lesson.

In Relief Society, the lesson was on charity, and it was exactly what I needed.

I have been losing my temper a lot lately, and all it accomplishes is hurting me and those I love, and nothing else. I was frustrated with my children a lot last week (how many weeks until school starts again? :), and Scott had to come home to an ornery and crying wife every night! I also was offended over something that happened with regards to Scott's family (specifically, plans that were made with out of town family members in which we were not invited, and my children were sad that they will not be spending more time with their cousins this week.) The icing on the cake was another major blow-up with a Moho friend, and I fear that this time there is no hope of repair.

The entire lesson was wonderful, about service and Christ-like love for others, but a scripture on charity in Moroni 7:45 and one final quote, really got to me.

"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

******

Elder Marvin J. Ashton beautifully observed: “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.” (from “The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword,” Ensign, May 1992, 19)

Sometimes I am able to really nail the hymns I choose to go with the lesson, and the songs were very touching to me this time. The third verse of "Each Life That Touches Ours for Good" really hit home.

(Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no. 293)

1. Each life that touches ours for good
Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;
Thou sendest blessings from above
Thru words and deeds of those who love.

2. What greater gift dost thou bestow,
What greater goodness can we know
Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.

3. When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.

4. For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
Devotion to the Savior’s name,
Who bless our days with peace and love,
We praise thy goodness, Lord, above.

I hope and pray that my Heavenly Father will help me to do better, but I also recognize that He is pleased with me for my efforts, and I am grateful that I can be forgiven of the things I said in the heat of the moment. I just hope that someday this friend can forgive me as well.

For the closing song, we sang "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief", no.29. I was sad that we did not have time to sing the whole thing, so we sang verses 1, 2 and 7. Verse 7 really touched my heart as we sang (as it does every time I sing it or hear it).

1. A poor, wayfaring Man of grief
Hath often crossed me on my way,
Who sued so humbly for relief
That I could never answer nay.
I had not pow’r to ask his name,
Whereto he went, or whence he came;
Yet there was something in his eye
That won my love; I knew not why.

2. Once, when my scanty meal was spread,
He entered; not a word he spake,
Just perishing for want of bread.
I gave him all; he blessed it, brake,
And ate, but gave me part again.
Mine was an angel’s portion then,
For while I fed with eager haste,
The crust was manna to my taste.

7. Then in a moment to my view
The stranger started from disguise.
The tokens in his hands I knew;
The Savior stood before mine eyes.
He spake, and my poor name he named,
“Of me thou hast not been ashamed.
These deeds shall thy memorial be;
Fear not, thou didst them unto me.”

Saturday night, other MoHo friends dropped in to visit, and they were a God-send. I felt so much better after talking to them and spending some fun time with them. I have always found that God is mindful of each of us, and even when times are hard, there are methods to the madness, and something else will be better because of it. I am reminded of the quote from The Sound of Music: "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." I have found this to be so true throughout my life.

Thank you for sticking with me through this rambling post. It has helped me to work through some thoughts and feelings, which I am sure will help to heal my heart.

Sparks

The 4th of July typically involves sparks, and ours was no exception, although the sparks came sooner than expected...

It was a miscommunication--my family was coming for a BBQ at 6, only I forgot somehow to tell Scott that 6 meant they wanted to eat at 6, and were coming sooner than that to put their meat on the grill. So add to that the fact that Scott wanted to convert our grill to natural gas before the party (because the propane was nearly gone anyway) and the fact that things always take longer than he thinks they will, and you have him gone to the hardware store, the grill waiting for a gas line, and everyone in my family walking in the door, ready to cook their food, at 5:40 p.m.

Now, when it comes to my family, food and eating in a timely matter are extremely important. Otherwise, tempers flare or emotions get the best of us. In this case it happened to just be my temper and emotions, but it was in part due to the fact that I know that my entire family is driven by time and food, and the situation I found myself in was a bit more than I could handle.

Keep in mind that it has been a stressful week with Scott's nephew being run over (and as a mother, me being unable to get the resulting images and panicky feelings out of my head), fears about the future of our marriage (more on that later--keep reading), bad timing for my hormones, and the fact that I was hungry and therefore getting more and more ornery by the second...well, if you don't know me well, maybe you can't imagine the result. But if you do, oh boy, it was bad.

Our children drove me crazy all day. Like usual on Saturdays, they didn't want to do any chores, and today of all days, it was a holiday. Mom, can't we just have one day off? Who cares about the family party. They didn't actually say these words, but their actions screamed them. Eventually things got done, but in the meantime, our 11 year old was driving me crazy as usual, because instead of doing what he is supposed to do, he is usually chasing or teasing his younger brothers and making them cry. In fact, as all the children raced to the door to let grandma and grandpa in, one child got "pushed" by another child and there was more crying and blaming, as there had been all day, and I had HAD it, and sent the boys to their room. Then, as my frustration with the whole grill situation increased exponentially for every additional minute that Scott was STILL gone to the hardware store, I hear my sister say, "Oh they have new furniture. I think they've got LESS seats than they used to. And then my dad, "Yeah, especially with all the pillows." I was on the phone with Scott, "Where are you? They are all ready to put their food on the grill!" while I overheard the couch conversation.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I lost it. I don't remember everything I said, but it was about a month's worth of build up with regards to things my dad has said. "I'm sorry you don't like my new furniture and the damn pillows. Why don't you all just go home. I'm sorry you don't approve of the parties we have at our house once a month. I'm sorry that you don't like the fact we told our kids and our ward that my husband is gay. I guess I just can't do anything right."

I stormed off to my room and slammed the door and sobbed into my pillow. Why in the world did I just say all of that? I don't think my sister had yet told her 3 youngest children. Well, I guess they know now, huh? I felt so stupid, so humiliated. Our youngest child came in. "Mom, where is Dad?" "He's at the stupid store." I found out later that he repeated this to my mother a few minutes later when she asked him, "Where's your Daddy, huh?" and he matter of fact replied, "He's at the stupid store." While I was crying, my mom was chuckling at the response of my 4-year-old.

I finally slunked out of my bedroom after Scott arrived home and had the grill hooked up and working. I felt really awkward at first, but everyone just seemed to ignore what had happened, and they were visiting and getting their food out and searching for a pan to cook corn in.

We ate, we visited, we lit a few sparklers and sparking fountains in the street. As the two families and my parents left, they hugged and thanked me, and I apologized, and they said not to worry about it.

But I still felt stupid. Stupid sparks. My brother's wife commented about how it is more healthy to blow up and get it all out than to keep it bottled up inside. Well, I definitely let it all out, I guess. What a day. What a week...


Sparks...


How important are sparks in a marriage? Not firework sparks, not angry lose-your-temper sparks, but sparks--chemistry, love and attraction.

I believe Scott and I still have some sparks between us. At least I feel like we do, and I hope they are not all one-sided.

But what if the day comes when the sparks are extinguished, and we become "emotionally" divorced. Is it better to keep the marriage together, just in appearance, without the sparks? Living in separate rooms with separate lives, but sharing the house and finances and children and grandchildren, but otherwise being alone. No soulmate, no companion, no lover. . . no sparks?

Or is it better to separate legally as well as emotionally, remaining best friends and sharing children and grandchildren, but seeking "sparks" elsewhere, away from one another?

These are questions Scott asked me last night as he had pondered the marriage of another MoHo friend and how it has become like this first situation. And so, he wondered, if we found ourselves in the same situation, would we do the same thing?

It freaked me out. I told him I don't want to lose him. He asked me what I meant by losing him. I said that if we weren't married, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, that would be losing him. It was too painful to continue the conversation, and then sleep did not come easily for me.

I don't want to lose the sparks. I hope we never do.