I love you with all my heart. I want to spend the rest of eternity with you. I want to be able to take you to the temple. I want you to be the one who, as stated in my patriarchal blessing, I will have the privilege of calling forth from the grave on the morning of the first resurrection. I pray that I will be able to use that love and that desire to motivate me to make these next 10 months the best I can, so I will be worthy to ask you to be mine forever.
15 years ago...
...I love you with all my heart, and though I wouldn't dare say anything is definite, I do look forward to sometime next summer when I can look across an alter into your eyes and know that I am yours and you are mine for eternity. I long for and look forward to that day...
Today...
I still believe it would be grand to spend eternity in the company of my family, but I'm no longer certain that I want the sort of relationship with them that the church tells me I could have (that is, I would much prefer to be eternally best friends with Sarah than eternaly married to her--and I hope she doesn't find it too hurtful for me to be so blunt about it). I want to find someone who I can love entirely and completely, and I hope and believe that I might spend forever with him once I've found him.
Sunday the lesson in Relief Society was on the Priesthood. The oldest class in Young Womens joined us for the lesson, and the instructor said something to the effect of, "It is so important that you young women date and seek a companion that honors his Priesthood and can take you to the temple."
I refrain from ever commenting in Relief Society any more, but I did have the fleeting thought, "I lot of good that did me."
Yes, I am really struggling right now and have become a little bitter about my life, but I am trying to have faith that someday I will look back and understand it, and be grateful for it. I am watching myself grow stronger and more independent every day. I am learning to cherish my children more and more, including my precious baby that is entirely dependent on me. I am trying to appreciate the efforts Scott does make as husband and father, enjoy the moments I have with him, and I so wish that I could make his frustrations at work go away so that his life could be more calm and happy.
Maybe, just maybe, then my life could also be more calm and happy. Or maybe it is what it is, and I must continue to find the calm and happiness in the middle of a storm. Some days are easier than others, and maybe it will be easier to find as time goes on and I learn to accept my life for what it is.
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