Friday, July 30, 2010

The Couch

There have been several times that one of us has slept on the couch over the past 15 years. Usually the one that was upset would head to the couch, but generally would then come back to the bed after waking up partway through and realizing that sleeping in a comfortable place is more important than holding a grudge. Scott and I always thought that the marital advice to never go to bed angry was silly, since it is so much easier to work through things the next morning when we had both had some rest and could think rationally.

More recently, the couch has been used when our 5-year-old wet our bed, or this past week when I have quickly whisked the baby to the living room when he began to cry so that he would not wake up Scott and keep him from getting the sleep he needs to deal with his current stress at work. 

But tonight, it is so much harder to deal with him sleeping on the couch, knowing he intends to never sleep in the same bed with me again.

Normally I would have my kids clamoring to share the bed with me, but they are all asleep for once, and so I lie here alone, wondering why me.

So many blog posts in my head. So lost.  Don't have any idea how to sort through it all.

Must sleep, knowing that when I wake up in a couple of hours to feed the baby, that it was not just a nightmare, but my life.

God, please keep on helping me. I'm trying to have faith. I have been much stronger than I ever thought I could be, but I don't know if I can keep going.

"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."


Madame Curie said...

:*( I'm sitting with you, Sarah. Sorry to hear that this is how things are going. Hang in there, be strong for yourself and for your children. They need you more than ever right now, with all of the chaos at home.

Sarah said...

Ah, so I am not the only one who is awake in the middle of the night.

Do I still get to meet you on Saturday? :)

Madame Curie said...

Is the party still on? I admit that I saw what went down on FB. I don't want to intrude on a family crisis.

We've had a pretty rough week here as well... Mister Curie came out to his family this weekend. I've had to answer a lot of questions as the "straight spouse" that I would rather not think about. I saw your status updates today, and this blog post, and I just wanted to let you know that there is someone out there rooting for you. People need to know that others are thinking about them and praying for them. You are in my thoughts, Sarah.

If you ever need to chat, just send me a PM or text on FB and I can give you my number or whatever.

David Baker-@DB389 said...

Sarah, I'm up early/late too. I feel so much for you right now. You know you can call me anytime.

Sarah said...

Nothing stops the party, at least not yet. Pieces of me is coming. I am looking forward to having straight wives to talk to for a change. Sorry it has been a hard week. If you don't make it, I understand.

David, thanks for the reminder. Love and miss you!

mandi said...

Yes- it is now that you need the strength of sisters that feel your pain. This post was like a knife through the heart. I am so sorry.

Rebecca said...

I wish more than ever we could be back there; just to come give you a huge hug and let you know we love you and we think of you very often! You are amazing, as are your children. We continue to pray for you all!

Jeremy said...

I love you, Sarah! You're an awesome woman :) If there's anything I can do, let me know. I'll be thinking about you today and sending positive thoughts your way.

Jenz said...

I'm praying for you.

Bravone said...

My wife & I love you and are praying for you to have the strength and emotional well being you need to pull you through this. You have been so amazing for so many. Now is the time for us all to give back to you. Please call either of us anytime.

Mr. Fob said...

Best wishes, Sarah. I wish I had more to offer than that. From what I've observed, though, you're a pretty amazing person and I suspect you'll make it through this.

Romulus said...

We all love you very much, Sarah! I'll be there tomorrow to see you :)

MoHoHawaii said...

My thoughts are with you, Sarah.

Sarah said...

Thank you so much to everyone. Maybe Scott is right and this will be best for all of us. He was home for a couple of hours this afternoon, and we were both calm and able to discuss things as usual, so much better than last night with his panic attack.

Tears come and go, but they have been for 6 months now. It did not come as a big shock.

Not sure when and what my next blog post will be. Maybe something on being strong.

"You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you've got left."

And yes, the party is on for tomorrow. Nothing stops the parties, at least not so far. :)

Frank Lee Scarlet said...

Thinking of you, Sarah, and I wish you peace and comfort. Much love,

Rob said...

what FLeeS said.

Ron Schow said...


My heart goes out to you both. Having been through a divorce, I would say from my experience that you both need new sources for emotional and social support. I hope you can find a few who will step up to provide that support and who can provide it in a way that works to comfort you at this time. Fortunately, I see that many of us are willing---so you can choose the ones who work best for you. I'm sending peace and love and comfort in your direction.


Keaton said... don't have to post this but I'm not at all going to be kind. I know...everyone has to find their own way but I have no respect for Scott's absolute selfish childish behavior. When we choose to make vows, have children and to be Mormon it means just that. We don't have the luxury of going off into some fairyland fantasy of bars and promiscuity and drinks and whatever else. Grow up!! You've got children and a wife. That's your life and responsibility and committment. And may I suggest that it is a GREAT LIFE!! Family no greater blessing. We all at times wish we could go buy the Vette and be fed grapes. What a slug to give up the family and turn your back on eternal LOVE and committment. Give it up Scott. Get real. Pretty selfish!! And don't tell me you can live your fantasy on the side and still be a loving father. Give me a break. You have to be there to be in their life. You'd give those precious moments of family for this other greener pasture. I'm suggesting you buck up and crawl back cause you'll never find a more loving mate that Sarah. If you think a man relationship will bring bliss and riding off in the sunset then think the end it becomes another family with the same trials and tribulations and dirty socks and weeds and in the end its not about manly desires but committment and responsibilty and joy and seeing your kids sprout into beautiful people and then riding off into the sunset with Grandkids. Think carefully. It won't be your family who misses the boat here. Sorry I just had to say that. I know it was harsh but sometimes the truth hurts. It had to be said. I know some won't appreciate what I've said or how I said it. I apologize but a family needs a father. I've seen this replayed in real life too many times. There is no compensation for failure in the family...sorry but be a real man and take care of the family.

tksinclair said...

I've been in Mexico Sarah and just got back. You are NEVER alone - (something I have to remind myself of constantly) Probably nothing is written in stone at this time - things can and will most likely change from day to day or week to week, etc. As you know I probably lean more with Keaton than anyone else BUT that said, I have much more empathy than you know. I guess I agree more with Keaton because for the most part that's the road my husband took, to "man up" (my husband's words, not mine) in regards to our marriage and vows and so far it's worked for us. I say "so far" because who knows what the future may bring - only God. I think often of how you and I "found" each other, through SSN and how much we disagreed with so many of the people there giving us advice that we didn't need or weren't prepared to hear. I hope I am never one of "those" people to you but I am always 'here' for you and will always do my best to listen without judgement. Of course I guess a fault of mine is always giving my opinion even when it's not the most popular. I am trying to be a better listener. All that said I still feel a bit uncomfortable when my husband refers to himself as "your gay husband" but hey, it's not perfect that's for sure.

I can't tell you enough how often I think and pray for you. How strong and courageous I think you are. How brave you've been. But, no matter how supportive we all are I also know what it's like to feel alone in the dark and just want nothing more than the feeling to STOP. I know what it feels like when so many others need so much from you and you feel there's so little left to give. I am up until three or four in the morning - journaling, crying, wondering "why" and sometimes "why me" and there are times I think of you and think of the strength you've had and how I must pull it together because if you can do it, I can do it. But still I'm alone. In a way it's like dying. No matter who is surrounding you or by your bedside when you pass away the bottom line is you're alone and no one can fix or change that. Only God can comfort and be with us during these times. I know he is with you - don't forget to let him carry you when you feel you can't walk another step. Give him your pain. Literally envision handing it to him. I often think of putting it in a bag, tying it off and handing it over to God. Usually I'm on my knees because I feel like I can't stand another second. I told someone recently I really know now what people mean when they say they felt like they were hit in the stomach by something that was said. I literally have days when I feel like I was punched in the stomach and fall to my knees. There have been times when I felt cheated because suicide wasn't even an option. The realization that there is "NO WAY OUT." I've hurt so badly but can't seem to get control....then, a new day comes and for some reason I'm just a little bit stronger. A tiny TINY bit more in control. There is an itsy bitsy light at the end of the tunnel. And, I go on another day. I know if I can do it, you can do it. And you will do it. And I promise you I know enough about God to know there will be happiness beyond this for you. Whatever the scenerio you will find peace and abundance and a great happiness you can't imagine right now. It's there. I know it.