Church is starting to feel somewhat normal again. It kind of came on suddenly and I'm not sure why.
I suppose I'm getting used to attending without Scott, and maybe the kids are too, and that makes it feel more "normal." I've started attending all of the meetings (for the most part) which is much easier now that I am feeling so much better. The baby is getting me lots of attention. Maybe that's it--the positive attention instead of the feeling that everyone feels sorry for me that my husband is gay, or that he doesn't come to church any more.
I wasn't sure if I even cared about blessing the baby, since I had been feeling so negative toward churchy stuff. But then it started to feel like the right thing to do, and at first as I thought about it I felt awkward and embarrassed that Scott would not be allowed to perform the blessing. But as he and I talked about it, he didn't seem to care and helped me feel like I shouldn't either.
So I called and asked Scott's dad to perform the blessing, and everything is set for this coming Sunday.
I even told the bishop Sunday that I was willing to have a calling again, if he felt inclined that I should. And I told the Relief Society president that I was willing to be a visiting teacher again, too.
There is still a definite change in the way I view certain things at church, but I think I am adapting. I guess time will tell, as I observe my thoughts and feelings during future lessons on certain topics.
Meanwhile, the kids are getting back into the groove, too. Each week there is less resistance from them to get ready and be willing to go. The 5 year old gave a talk in primary last week--he hasn't done that for a long time. And yesterday I got a glimpse that he really is listening and applying lessons to things he already understands. Here is what he told me last night:
"Mom, I have two dads, because Jesus is one of my dads."
"And mom, if someone has two dads, and Jesus is not one of the dads, then they have three dads because Jesus is their dad, too."
I was amazed at his logic, and I was amused at the possibility that he might have shared this thought in primary.
Out of the mouths of babes! I've said this before, but it will be really interesting to watch my children as they integrate the teachings of the church with the liberal ideas they learn at home. What if they are able to make it all fit together peacefully, instead of feeling the conflict and having to choose between one thing or the other? I think that maybe, just maybe, they will make it work. I have faith that they will, and that they can make a difference in bridging the gap between the two communities.
My sweet children give me hope! And hope is definitely something I need right now. We are getting really good at taking care of each other. I am strong for them when I need to be. I feel like I am becoming more and more patient with them (although I still have a long way to go.) And when I have a breakdown or a bad day, they have been amazingly strong for me, even though they shouldn't have to be.
Life is not easy, but I know that I am getting the divine help I need to muddle through.
4 weeks ago