Gratitude with a bit of sadness

I had a wonderful weekend. I so enjoyed the chance to meet new friends, and to put faces and hugs with some of my treasured blogging friends. I wish I could transport myself to Canada, Texas, Colorado, Idaho, etc. to meet more of you. The talks and lessons on Sunday were all about gratitude, and I found myself overwhelmingly grateful for the situation that I now find myself in, married to a wonderful gay man, and also cherishing new friendships and new opportunities for service amongst the mohos.

But in addition to my gratitude, I also felt a bit of sadness for each of the young men that I have met along with many others that I have never met. You have each been placed in such a difficult circumstance, with incredibly difficult choices to make. Do you stay active in the church? Do you stay single and celibate and lonely? Do you try to find a girl to fall in love with and hope that things will work out like they have for Scott and Bravone and others? Or do you choose to live the gay lifestyle, seeking the opportunity for love and family like Scot and Rob, while leaving the church and often your extended family behind you? Why has God given you this trial with these impossible and conflicting decisions? How many more times will you have to endure questions like: "Are you dating anyone? Aren't you getting old enough to think about getting married soon?"

I don't know the answers. I made this comment to one of you yesterday:

Last night I was touched as I thought about all of these incredible young men with such confusion and decisions to make in their lives. None of you deserve this kind of anguish! All of you deserve the blessings that come from being a member of the church, but you also deserve the right to know love and have a family of your own. I am very impressed with you and am grateful for the opportunity to get to know you better. I pray for you (and all like you) to find peace as you think and wrestle with these decisions, trying to figure out how to live a happy life and yet still stay on the path to eternal happiness. Heavenly Father loves you and there is a plan for you. I never expected that God would have this plan for me, but I am so grateful for it. I hope that someday you will be able to figure it all out. Hang in there!

About a month ago, my daughter and I were driving to a Messiah rehearsal. (We are singing in a multi-stake production that I participated in for many years in my parents' Stake.) I think we were talking briefly about proposition 8. On the radio came a song that pricked my ears. I stopped conversing with my daughter and listened intently to the words of the song. I called Scott to have him look up the radio station's web site and let me know the title and artist of the song they just played. It was a new song by Nickelback, Gotta Be Somebody. The CD it is on just came out last week. The chorus touched my heart, and I thought of all my gay friends and their inner conflicts. But doesn't it usually come down to this?

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that
Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

I want you all to know that I feel for your loneliness, and I don't know what to tell you to do with your lives. That is between you and God. But whatever you decide, I pray that you will each be happy, that you will know that God loves you, that he has not forsaken you, that he has made you the way you are for a reason, and that is who you are and who you are supposed to be.

God bless you! If there is any way I can be an instrument in God's hands to help you, please let me know. I will laugh with you, I will cry with you, or in the words of Carol Lynn Pearson, I'll Walk with You.