Saturday, August 7, 2010

Longing

We are on a family vacation of sorts, at a family condo only an hour away from home.

He decided we could share a bed, perhaps to save on using another set of sheets.

I can tell he is asleep from the way he breathes, lying here beside me in the same bed we shared 10 months ago when we got pregnant with Sebastian, in the same bed we shared a year ago when we came without the children to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary.

There he lies, just within reach, and I long to touch his foot with mine, or put my arm around him, or run my fingers through his hair, as I would have done merely 10 days ago.

But instead, I am extra careful not to even touch him accidentally, almost wishing I had asked him to sleep downstairs instead.

The days are better. He is not depressed and anxious. We talk easily about the children or dinner or finances or politics. He willingly helps with the children, looks for geocaches he can take them to find, plays video games with them. He hugs me and kisses me on the cheek whenever he leaves.

But the nights are lonely. I snuggle with the baby or my sweet 5-year-old to ease the pain.

Night by night it gets easier, but I have moments like this one.

And all I can do is cry.

11 comments:

Jeremy said...

I cannot imagine the pain and longing you feel so I won't try. Instead, I just want you to know that I love you dearly and think of you and your family often. All of you are generous and kind. It is my hope that you will find so much in life to be happy with. *hugs!*

gail said...

Sarah,

I think I can imagine you pain. I am sorry. I wish there was something that can be said to help. You are in my prayers.

Your brother in spirit,
Gail

Amigakitty said...

Sarah,

My heart breaks for you. I am here if you need someone to talk to you. Much love to you and make sure that you take care of YOU.

Laura

Anonymous said...

Sarah,
I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are. I hope you feel better soon. I can't imagine how it must be. You are an amazing person. I've just only started reading yours and Scott's blog, but thank you for sharing.

Pieces of Me said...

Hugs, I wish I could do more, or make it better...

Sarah said...

I'm not miserable most of the time. Just fleeting moments. And it gets easier day by day. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers.

Pieces, you have already done much to help. Your latest blog post on your family blog made me happy and gives me hope!

Anthony Romrell said...

I am sorry to hear your pain.

We have struggles too.

I have nothing to say that will help other then, Mary and I love you!

Anthony

Sarah said...

Thanks, Anthony.

Amazing how much has changed since the good old days in 5th grade or being teased about owing seminary council donuts. I never realized then how simple my life really was.

Anonymous said...

I am the ex-wife of a gay (well, we are separated for almost 15 years--and anyone from wearewildflowers will recognize who I am). I have been reading your blog and your husband's (they were both mentioned on Emily Pearson's blog. I've been where you are. I know the pain, though it has been YEARS ago now. He just left here to go with his new boyfriend. It no longer hurts. I no longer have that horrible horrible pain. I have a boyfriend . . . my kids are doing well, etc. We have moved BEYOND and we are happy. We are at peace. Though all but our daughter have left the church.

You write well. You express how difficult it is very well. Just know there are others of us out here who do know . . .

Anonymous said...

I am the ex-wife of a gay (well, we are separated for almost 15 years--and anyone from wearewildflowers will recognize who I am). I have been reading your blog and your husband's (they were both mentioned on Emily Pearson's blog. I've been where you are. I know the pain, though it has been YEARS ago now. He just left here to go with his new boyfriend. It no longer hurts. I no longer have that horrible horrible pain. I have a boyfriend . . . my kids are doing well, etc. We have moved BEYOND and we are happy. We are at peace. Though all but our daughter have left the church.

You write well. You express how difficult it is very well. Just know there are others of us out here who do know . . .

Anonymous said...

sorty that posted twice--