Anniversary

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary.

I was handling it well (which means forgetting about it and focussing on work and getting ready for school to start next week.) Then I came home from work and found an anniversary card from my parents in the mail. I called my dad to thank him, and he asked if we were going to go to dinner to celebrate. I told him no, that Scott and the older kids had gone to lagoon.(When and how am I going to be able to tell my parents?)

Then I was depressed.

I think somewhere in the back of my mind a year or two ago, I imagined that we would have the money and the kids would be old enough for us to leave them to go on our first romantic cruise to celebrate.

Three strikes against that happening.

Instead, we celebrated, or maybe just commemorated, a couple of days ago by going out for dinner and a movie.

It was nice, but awkward. Scott thought I hated the movie. Meanwhile, I didn't know how to act because I don't know where the boundaries are with us physically any more, so I am afraid to hold his hand or lean on his shoulder for fear of making him uncomfortable or anxious, afraid that he will have another panic attack at the thought of having to remind me that he needs the romantic and emotional side of our relationship to be over. 

At the movie, the armrest was already up between us, leaving the space open for comfortable cuddling, a benefit we didn't have when we were dating and held hands or snuggled uncomfortably across the arm rest. But neither of us put the arm rest down, nor did we cross over the space. I was painfully aware of the situation, which I guess Scott interpreted as me disliking the movie.

How do two people who are trying to be "just friends" successfully celebrate a wedding anniversary?

He came out to me 2 years (and one month) ago, and my initial reaction was worrying that our marriage and/or romantic and intimate relationship were over.

But within a few months, our marriage was stronger than it had ever been. If anyone could make a MOM work, we could...or so I thought.

Seven months ago he told me that he couldn't do this for the rest of his life; that he had to know what it really felt like to love someone, someone he could be emotionally and physically attracted to.

Three weeks ago he sent me an email telling me he was emotionally stretched too thin, trying to keep a relationship with me while looking for another relationship. He didn't want to "lead me on" with something he couldn't do any more. He started sleeping downstairs. He has completely detached himself emotionally from me. But since then, he has been happier and more "here" for the family than he has been for a while. I have really enjoyed time we have spent together with the children since then. He has been upbeat and helpful, instead of sluggish and withdrawn.

Obviously I have my moments, but my strength and attitude have really surprised me. I honestly laugh more than I cry, I think. My children are everything to me. Sometimes I feel very alone, but I never am. I always have my sweet little boys to snuggle with. And I'm sure there are other loved ones close by watching over me. 

So, I guess I need to stop of thinking of today as the anniversary of our marriage, but instead remember it as the anniversary of starting our beautiful family. And that is a happy thought to cling to.