Supportive Straight Spouses

I've been busy creating a website for other straight spouses. It is located at http://straightspouses.org

Scott designed a logo for me and I have a team of friends helping me to figure out what to include. Any further suggestions are welcome. Some of us even had some t-shirts made that we will be wearing when we walk in the SLC pride parade next Sunday with Utah Gay Fathers. I am so excited. Last night several of these friends, some with their spouses (and ex-spouses) and children came to our monthly moho party. Yes, we continue to have the events, although we've slowed down to one every two months for the last couple. Attendance had really dropped, but last night was crowded and diverse and wonderful. I love the friends I've made and the support that we give one another as we try to face our trials in the most positive way we can.

Interfaith Service

So many things to blog about.... Well, here is a quick post. Mormon Stories Circling the Wagons Conference from November 2011--the interfaith service was my favorite part, and I was even asked to participate. Here it is if you missed it or want to re-watch it. (My part is just a scripture reading and is probably the least exciting of the service. It starts at about 14:15.)

3-2-1 Shadow Work

I've been meaning to blog for a while now about a class I took over the last few months.

One day in January I was browsing posts on a Mormon Stories group on Facebook, when I noticed a post announcing a class that intrigued me.

The description of the class was very technical, and I knew it would be over my head. But it felt like a good idea, so I emailed the instructor for more information.

The class was held at the South Valley Unitarian Universalists Society, and the topic was "integral spirituality", studying the work of Ken Wilbur on integral theory.

There were several reasons that I wanted to take the class. It would force some scheduled time once a week for Scott to take the kids while I did something for myself. Also, maybe it would help me add some spirituality to my life, which I felt I was lacking with my minimal church attendance and my struggles with reconciling a few of my changing beliefs with the LDS gospel. I hoped it would help me to figure out the right spiritual path for me and my children.

The outcomes of taking the class included making a wonderful new group of friends, attending Sunday services with the Unitarian Universalists a couple of times, realizing that there is so much I don't understand and have yet to learn about religions and spirituality and different ways of thinking about and viewing the world. It made me even less sure of the right path for me and the children, but more sure that questioning and trying to discover the right path for us, and including the children in helping decide their own paths, is the right thing to do.

The class officially ended about a month ago, but last night there was a presentation at the SLC library from the Jung Society of Utah about "shadow work," one of the things we actually discussed briefly in class one week.

We made plans to attend the evening together, meeting for dinner beforehand. We gathered at a Chinese restaurant across the street and caught up on some details of each others' lives from the past month. Of course the meal ended with a fortune cookie, and I found my fortune very fitting:

"Find a peaceful place where you can make plans for the future."

I showed it to my friends, them knowing my struggles and also considering what we had been studying and what we were about to learn more of, one of them found the fortune to be very "serendipitous". I agreed and smiled, thinking of the name of this blog which my UU friends do not know about.

Anyway, as for the workshop itself: "the shadow" represents unpleasant things in our lives or about ourselves that we push into the back of our minds.

In pairs, we went through a three step process twice, once for each person in the pair. It was enlightening.

Here's how it worked. One of us in the pair described to the other about someone that gets on our nerves (identities were concealed as needed). Then, the second partner spoke to the first, personifying the annoying individual as described, specifically the characteristics that are frustrating. During this second step, a shift tends to happen as the first partner sometimes begins to see and understand the situation better from the annoying person's point of view. The third step was the hardest but also the most amazing as the first person then had to find and describe this annoying characteristic within themselves.

After we went through the process once, the facilitator asked if we felt a bit discombobulated. And yes, I did, thinking about the fact that the things that annoy me about the person I described are also things that annoy me about myself.

We switched roles and did the process again. Afterwards the instructor asked if we felt energized, and yes, I did! It was an amazing feeling of being able to recognize the "shadow" in my mind and bring it forward to process.

The very last thing she had us do was to think again about the annoying quality we had focused on, and think about how it could actually be a positive quality rather than just an annoying one. That last step was amazing and powerful, turning weakness into strength. I'm just now seeing a parallel to one of my favorite scriptures that says that very thing.

Some days I am very overwhelmed with the decisions before me regarding a religious path to follow, especially for my children. I feel an urgency to make a decision, that the clock of my children's lives and character development is ticking.

But then moments like this one last night help me realize that it's not so urgent or important to know exactly what to do about that right now, and it is more important to find peace within myself, and with that peace, I think the correct path will eventually unfold.

Everything is okay. :)

My brave blog friend

It's possible that all of my blog readers also read many of the blogs that I have posted links to at the left. I don't know if all of the blogs that I have linked to even exist any more, because I haven't read any of them for so long. I blame Facebook because there I get a fast overview of how most of my blog friends are doing all in one place.

But one of my links goes to the blog of a lady who I met in person for the first time at the Mormon stories conference in November. Our chance to visit with each other was short but meaningful as I found out who she was and how much my blog and journey had meant to her.

She has gone through quite the journey of her own the past few years, and though her life and goals have changed drastically, she has maintained her testimony and finds peace in continuing to attend church meetings.

Recently she went through the experience of a church court and excommunication. In preparation for the event, she wrote a letter to read at the court so that she would be able to say exactly what she wanted to say. The letter was so beautiful, so heartfelt, do courageous and honest, so touching, that I asked for her permission for me to share it here on my blog as well.

Enjoy!

*********

When I was informed a counsel was to be held concerning me, I spoke to others who have been through a similar experience due to similar actions. A common piece of advice, though importantly noted is that it was not the only piece of advice, was that I not attend this counsel as the end result would be the same regardless. Yet I want to sit before you, as your sister, someone you have known and loved for more than eight years. I could not allow this issue to be presented to you as an empty chair. It’s far more important, and far more personal, than that.

So here I sit before you because I have sexual relations with a woman. I have been having sexual intimacy with a woman since September of 2010 – 18 months ago – after ten years of consistent celibacy. This did not become counsel worthy until my current girlfriend, my second in this 18 months, happens to be married. We’ve been seeing each other for four months, and this relationship has become sexual. She is separated from her husband and is not yet divorced because they could not afford the fee to have the judge place his final stamp on the paperwork already under way. This is not a typical affair with a married woman as it is not in secret. In fact, not only is her husband completely aware of our relationship and the nature of it, but he is one of the biggest supporters of it. He has seen his wife, whom he loves deeply, struggle for 18 years, and sees her now finding happiness, joy, and fulfillment she could never accept from him. He celebrates and supports her happiness and fulfillment. So am I committing adultery? Maybe in part according to the dictionary. But would this outcome be any different if we waited until she is truly divorced, once the judge gives his final stamp? I’d still be having sexual relations with a woman. Because I do not have the luxury of waiting until she and I are married.

It would be so simple to make this an issue about sex, but I’m here, in part, to explain to you that it is much more than that. Many would like to make this an issue of selfishness, of base desires, of merely physical behaviors. Yet that is not what I seek in my relationships with others. I seek the same thing anyone else seeks: Love, companionship, connection, intimacy on a deep and spiritual level. And for some reason unknown to science and man, who will likely argue about cause forever more, I find these human needs met by women. Completely and utterly by women. Not because I desire to sin, not because I’m all about sex, not because I’m carnal and devilish. And absolutely not because I’m an abomination. Because that is how Sister Mack’s heart and soul work. After more than 25 years of trying to change it, modify it, manage it, and ignore it – through faith, prayer, fasting, temple attendance, and perfect obedience to every principle, through therapy, blessings, and support – all of the above and sheer will – nothing has changed what speaks to my heart and soul. Nothing has changed the fact that I feel compete, full, joyful, and yes, closer to the Lord and my true self, when I am having a close, complete, and intimate relationship with a woman. Though I never chose this, and find it utterly ridiculous to consider choosing such a difficult and dichotomous journey, I am gay, and despite my own best efforts and my greatest efforts in turning this over to the Lord, this isn’t changing. God is not removing my homosexuality from me.

The bishop asked when we last met if I thought I was somehow exempt from the laws of God. Tough question to answer because I in fact do not feel I am any more special than anyone else. In the least. And yet, that law of chastity, which applies to all of the Lord’s children, has a special part for me and the thousands like me who are homosexual. We are not required to wait until marriage like our straight brothers and sisters. We are asked to refrain for our entire lives. And not to only refrain from sexual contact, but the mere feelings. Read carefully and find that any homosexual behavior is an abomination. Any. I cannot flirt, date, hold hands, kiss. Because to do even the most basic of these human connection behaviors is not only a sin, but an abomination. So am I any different than my straight brothers and sisters? Absolutely. Am I more special? Given more tools? More strength? A ram in the thicket? Absolutely not. Yet, more is required of me. Of me, who has the same needs and desires, me who loves the Lord and the gospel. Am I exempt? No. Am I more special? No. And why then is more required of me? Perhaps just the very gravity of the difficulty need be considered. Perhaps just the utter impossibility of the position I am thus placed in need be truly considered. Because here I sit before you in a counsel and the outcome places me in a position of choosing my religion or choosing my need for human connection and meaningful relationship. Either decision leaves me with half a life. I cannot imagine my life without the full blessings of the gospel, living half a life. I cannot picture living my life once again impossibly celibate, empty, and deeply alone, living half a life.

When will these restrictions end for someone like me? When I choose to be empty and deeply alone? And when will that be okay with my soul? Will I then be free to participate in the gospel? When I’m unfulfilled and lonely? Because I don’t see that happening. Do you realize then that these restrictions placed on me are more or less permanent? I will never again take the sacrament, never again see the inside of a temple, never again serve the Lord in a calling. It’s not like you’re disciplining a straight person who can eventually marry the person they’re sinning with, keep having this amazing and sexual relationship, and suddenly be allowed back into full fellowship. From this seat it appears I will never have those blessings ever again. Because I have lived 45 years empty and lonely and I’m now making a choice for happiness and peace.

Yet the bishop said I need to be held accountable for my choices. I agree. Hold me accountable for my years of faithfulness, my faithfully fulfilling every calling that came my way, my intense and deep love of the Lord. Hold me accountable for obeying and applying each and every principle in my life – until recently excepting this one. Hold me accountable for sitting through a sacrament meeting where I am called a villain repeatedly from the pulpit and then staying with the church when so many leave. Hold me accountable for keeping my sensitive son active and returning when he hears in young mens that his mother is disgusting because she’s homosexual – and this from a respected and revered former bishop of this ward. Hold me accountable for teaching my children to love a church which does not accept me unless I ignore a huge part of who I am. Hold me accountable for encouraging my children to speak to their bishop about issues that may need some repenting, hoping and praying fervently that they are never treated the way I have been treated in the past. Hold me accountable for my living and breathing testimony of this gospel, which will never waiver, regardless of how I am treated, and regardless of the outcome of this counsel. Gays and lesbians are leaving this church in droves, feeling abused and rejected – because they indeed are abused and rejected. I continue and always will. Hold me accountable for that. And for the fact that I take my covenant and promise to not speak ill of the Lord’s anointed seriously, and I don’t and never will speak ill of this church or its leaders. Hold me accountable. And keep in mind that I am the one who came to you. I am the one who confessed my sins without being compelled to do so, because that is who I am. Hold me accountable. I am a good, honest, and deeply spiritual woman who loves the Lord with all my heart.

And yes, I mean spiritual. Last visit with the bishop he heard me share a spiritual experience with him and his response to me was, “You mean to tell me that you are committing adultery and having spiritual experiences?” as if to say I am now no longer granted spiritual experiences. I give a resounding “Absolutely” to the bishop’s question. This seems to fly in the face of what we’re taught all our lives. We sin, we lose the spirit. But I testify to you that I indeed feel the spirit, and often. I feel a burning in my bosom, I feel guided and directed in ways that are without question from the Lord. What does this mean? One of three things. 1) We’re taught wrong that sin will make the spirit depart. Doesn’t seem likely. 2) I am not committing sin, which I imagine you cannot accept. Or 3) the Lord is more merciful, kind, and loving to his gay and lesbian children in his gospel because he knows the impossible position in which we are placed. It’s that mercy, kindness, and love I pray you’ll be able to tap into. Perhaps I still feel the spirit because I am not making these choices because I am rebellious and proud. I am not being willfully disobedient, but merely so tired of my only path of righteousness leading to such emptiness.
You sit here before me with a decision to make. I’ve been called here because you fear I am falling away from the Lord and from His teachings. If that is indeed true, tell me the sense it makes to remove from me – likely permanently – the very tools I need to return to him, to stay close to him. If I am to remain close to him, I would likely need the sacrament, the priesthood, the temple, my garments, and opportunities to serve – in abundance. The Lord and Savior I love and cling to does not shun me and he does not push me away. Ever. He is ever near me, ever guiding me, ever loving me.

I love this gospel. I love the Lord. I love and know the Book of Mormon is true. I know Joseph saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and was a prophet of God. I know President Monson is a true prophet of God. I love the priesthood, know it is the power of God, and I honor it. And nothing will change this knowledge or belief. Know that without question, regardless of the outcome of this counsel, I will continue, as I always have, to endeavor to live my life by what I understand my Savior’s will for me to be.

I say all of this to you in the name of my Lord, Savior, and Brother, Jesus Christ, who I know loves me and accepts me without question.

*****

Amen, friend. Amen. God bless you. Thank you for letting your light shine and sharing your testimony and courage with the world.

Alternate Paths

I actually went to Sacrament meeting yesterday. The talk was on progression, specifically on eternal progression.

The speaker made tremendous effort to prevent feelings of guilt throughout her talk. She spoke of her own weaknesses, she spoke of trials, she spoke of how sometimes we fall off the path. And that is okay, because we can get back on the path to eternal life.

I wasn't offended by the meeting, and I really enjoyed seeing some friends and singing the hymns, but I realized that I really don't belong there any more.

The thought I had was that some people probably think I have fallen or am falling off the path. But even if I have, aren't I just on a different path? Some paths lead the some place, some paths lead to different places. If the path is a peaceful and happy one, then it seems that it would end up in a similar location. I really hope to find that peaceful path soon, because I am pretty sure it is not within the church.

My father-in-law referenced an article in Mormon Times recently, about a gay man that has joined the church and is happy living church standards, even though he has AIDS and previously lived the gay lifestyle. Scott's dad's comment was that "it can be done" as though anyone can do it. I was quick and firm to correct him. That might be the right path for some people. But just because it is right for and can be done by one person does not mean it is right and can be done by everyone. He also talked to me about the fact that there are still people in the church that are supportive of gay rights, and that are even activists. He was trying to tell me that I could do it too, but again, I tried to convince him that just because some can do it, doesn't mean everyone can, and that I think I've decided that is not the right path for me. At least not right now, and maybe never again. All I know is that I take life one day at a time, seeking peace for me and my children.

There has been interesting news lately confirming that the LDS church actually is losing a lot of members. (Duh!) Former church historian Marlin K. Jensen shared some of the details and concerns, as seen in this article from the Salt Lake Tribune, or this clip from an ABC4 news cast:



Here are comments from interviewees in the newscast that bothered me a bit. They really have no idea...

• "I'm from Chile, and down there a lot of people just stop attending. They take it a little bit too casual."
• "If people are leaving, I think it's really a mark that we all need to get deeper into our faith."
• "When life is going good, and we don't have as many challenges, sometimes we don't turn to God."
• "It does come down to us, as members of the church we need to go out there and do our part."

Most of the people I know that have left or are leaving have not taken leaving casually at all. I have been one of the LEAST casual. Also, I was one of the most faithful members I know, and I don't think I could have been any deeper into my faith. My life is good and challenge-free so I don't need God? HAHAHAHA! The last comment makes me think of how I know the church works with trying to reactivate. I used to do it! Me and my kids are tired of people saying "Where have you been?" or "We miss you." or "Why don't you come any more?" I really appreciate people that don't ask me that, and instead, ask me how I really am, and really try to be my friend.


Some of you might have seen this before, but here is a presentation by John Dehlin, founder of Mormon Stories Foundation, that talks about why people leave the LDS church and what friends and family can do. The problem I see with it is that the people who need it most are probably not willing to listen to it.



I'm hearing and learning of more and more people that are leaving because of historical facts they are finding on the internet. When Scott first shared some of these details with me, it did not affect my testimony, because I know that prophets are men and make mistakes (something with which my Stake President and many other TBMs fiercely disagree), I know that things change and evolve in the church as needed, and I have always had a strong testimony of things like Joseph Smith and The Book of Mormon, and of course of God and Christ.

Rather than the historical controversies themselves, I am more bothered by the fact that the church is not honest with its history. By the fact that members are encouraged to follow the prophet over personal revelation, or rather the idea that we should seek personal revelation to see that something the church says or does IS true and right, rather than to find out IF it is true. The fact that Mormon parents try to hide things from their children, like the existance of gay people, and keep them in an environment of closed-mindedness instead of teaching and encouraging them to think for themselves and make their own decisions and mistakes.

And like something I recently discovered in my own ward--parents withholding priveleges from youth, like dating or driving, until the child has earned their eagle scout or young womanhood medalian. And worse yet, it was done at the recommendation of the Bishop!

The behavior of TBMs (True Believing Mormons) like Scott's sibblings that won't let him bring a date to family parties or let their children find out that Uncle Scott is gay, like next door neighbors that don't allow their children to play at my house, or like the situation I described in the above paragraph are doing much more harm to my staying in the church than any weird historical stories from church history. Maybe it is because of my love for youth, for the kids I teach at school, especially the ones in the GSA club, that these things bother me so much!

I am grateful for a mother that taught me by example to be open-minded, to question, to be self-motivated. I accomplished things like earning my Young Womanhood medalian or graduating from seminary because I wanted to, not because I was bribed or threatened. I'm not sure she is glad that she set that example, as she is really concerned right now with the path the children and I appear to be heading down with regards to the church. But I think that she is the reason I still have a testimony.

I've watched others that came from TBM homes that when they find out about church history and start to question, everything that they thought they once believed breaks into a million pieces. They are not able to hang on to any pieces of their testimony as a result, which is sad. I rejoice in my testimony of God, of a life after death, of my Savior and redeemer Jesus Christ. I still love passages from the book of Mormon that have brought so much peace and understanding and hope to my life for nearly 40 years. Where-ever my path may end up, I cannot imagine ever denying these aspects of my testimony that were once so strong. But I also do not judge those who don't believe, who find peace and happiness in other paths like atheism. At least I try not to judge them, but I know I still have work to do in that area. Which is a whole different blogpost entirely!

Consider the Children

(Note: I've included a couple of photos of our children thriving with our gay friends. Openness and honesty is what we've been all about with our family through this change, and it has been wonderful for all involved!)

Last weekend a birthday party for February birthdays in Scott's family, including his down-syndrome brother, was held at his parent's house.

Other than his parents coming to parts of the Mormon Stories conference in November, Christmas Eve dinner, lunch with his little sister, and a funeral for his step-mother's brother earlier this month, he has not associated with his family since July of last year.

I was actually really glad he came to the funeral, because while there his sister asked him about the guy he's dating, whom she had noticed status updates about on Facebook. She has come a long way in truly loving and showing interest in him without restraint.

Anyway, when his mom invited him to the party, he asked if he could bring a date. She told him she would talk to his dad and get back to him. The answer came that others in the family were not yet ready for that step and so while he was welcome, and even urged to come, he was not yet permitted to bring a date, so he informed them he would not be coming to any family events until that was permitted. (Side note: if it is really that big of deal, why can't they just let Scott say "this is my friend?" for now? We've had friends with us at family parties before. I think Scott and his friend would be willing to keep PDA to a minimum while the family just got to know the friend for a few months first. Give it a chance! Compromise! Jeez!)


Last summer he sent a letter to his family, informing them that he would not associate with them until they were ready to accept him completely. It was sparked in part because of his brother that was in town at the time. I didn't want to go to a family party and have the out-of-town family asking where Scott was. So Scott's dad asked them to tell their children that were are divorcing. They did so, and the 10 and 14 year old girls asked why, to which they lied and said "We don't know."

While I realize that parents have the rights to what they want their children to learn at certain ages, the whole thing infuriated Scott and I at the time. And it still does, just thinking about it.

Well, the problem continues, and not even the local siblings are ready for that step, because they don't want to tell their children. I'm sorry--but they are never going to be "ready" for that step until they are willing to jump right in. Maybe they are waiting until their children are grown, which means when uncle Scott is actually willing to come back into their lives because they now know all about him, they will no longer even remember that he ever existed, or they will be so jilted against him because of their upbringing in the church, that they won't want anything to do with him anyway.

Scott's parents took me to dinner last night to talk and to celebrate my birthday (which was over a month ago). Scott's dad feels like he is being as accepting as he can possibly be with Scott, and that he is not capable of changing the fact that he believes some of the things Scott is doing are wrong. I told him that Scott's response to that would be that he is gay and cannot biologically change that, but their beliefs against same-sex relations are just that--beliefs--and so the comparison is flawed. Anyway, Scott's parents have no idea what to do, because they want Scott back in their lives, but they are not willing to step on the toes of the other siblings that refuse to let Scott bring any appearance of a same-sex relationship around their children--probably because they agree with those parents.

Scott's dad also expressed to me that because it is the siblings' rights as parents to decide what is best for their children, that I (and Scott) have no right to be angry with them. That made me angry! I have not crossed the line and told any of their children things that they don't want them to know, but I should not be angry? How do I control whether or not I am angry? I understand that it is their right, but it is not one I agree with, and I am angry about it, and that is that.

I was talking about all of this with Scott last night and then with a good friend of mine in the ward this morning. Scott was grateful for the information about my discussion with his parents, because it solidifies his belief that he cannot handle a relationship with his family right now. His parents are willing to do what the siblings want, but not what Scott wants. So they need to realize that the consequence of that decision means not having a relationship with Scott.

As for the children, wow. I just get so frustrated. I know one of my sister-in-laws tried turning it on me a few months ago, saying that what if the tables were turned and we were still the TBM (True-Believing Mormons) and they were the ones that suddenly and drastically changed their views on gay rights and wanted us to accept them. Would we? I told her I could not answer that question, that I had no idea, but I hoped that I would have been willing to listen to their viewpoints and give them a chance, stepping outside my Mormon box and think for once. In fact, that is exactly what I did when Scott came out to me.  Why wouldn't I have done the same thing if it was one of them instead? I love them--and if this is important to them, then I would have tried. I really think I would.

Anyway, this morning my friend made the comment that in the church we have things that are "sacred" and because they are "sacred", we tend to also keep them secret. So children have a hard time differentiating between sacred and secret, and when parents have a secret, suddenly that is what the children want to know about the very most! What happens, then, is in families where things are not talked about, the children seem to be more likely to experiment with this secret that their parents won't talk to them about.We hear radio ads about this very thing--talking to our children about drugs and alcohol is the best thing we can do to keep them from experimenting with it. Wouldn't the same thing go for sex and homosexuality?

Another thing is that so many people have the misconception that talking to children about what it means to be a homosexual means that they also have to teach their children about sex. Hogwash! The kids came from parents that had sex to get them here, and yet that is not discussed until the kids are ready. Why does telling children that two men or two women love each other immediately mean that they have to teach their children about sex, and a particular kind of sex that the parents are very uncomfortable with and know very little about? Children know what love is, they thrive on love! There is no need to include sex to talk about love and acceptance to children. My concern with families, like our next-door neighbors and Scott's TBM siblings, where they don't talk about that stuff, is that even if they don't talk about it at home, they hear it at school, in the paper, on the news, etc. And if they try to ask questions and their parents just say "we don't talk about that" then it can only make them feel like something is wrong with it, and they will grow into adults that shun and judge others because of it. Or worse yet, if they are gay, they will grow up hating themselves and the damaging cycle with families and homeless youth and suicides continues!

I believe that when Scott's siblings are finally able to tell their children, that a couple of things could happen: the children could be disgusted and judgmental because that is how they've been taught to be, simply because their parents did not discuss it with them, and will want nothing to do with Uncle Scott. Or maybe the children will be angry with their parents for not telling them sooner, thus causing further rifts within their families.

Thank you Mormon church, for helping families break up in so many pieces, for generations yet to come, over this issue! Voting against same-sex marriage is so supportive of and preserving traditional families, right? Like hell, it is.

And you have no idea how close I am to telling all of the children exactly what is going on since their parents won't. What's the worse that will happen? The parents will no longer associate with me. At the moment I don't really want to associate with them anyway, so who gives a rat's ass? I guess the only thing that holds me back is the association that my children have--and crave--with their cousins. And I can't hurt my children like that, even though I think it would be for the best.

Sigh.

Conquering the Bullies

Sitting in the car, writing a text before I start to drive away from a neighbor's house where I've dropped off a child from an activity at the church.

My middle child (the only one in the car at the time) says "I'm bored."

I tell him I was going to take him shopping. Does he want to do that or go home?

No answer.

"Oh, sorry. I'm trying to write a sentence", he says, "with the word 'bored' and words leading up to it so that each word is one letter more than the last. So far I have 'I am (blank) (blank) bored.'"

I start offering suggestions. As we drive to the store, we come up with "I am the very bored _______ (a version of his name with 6 letters.)

Then we start trying to figure out if we can think of another word to put after his name that has seven letters. Nothing makes sense, until he says the sentence with the seven-letter word being the last name of his best friend. But then he says something about that is not his name.

I reflexively said "It could be if you married your friend someday."

He looked a little awkward, and then started to say "actually some of the mean kids at school say stuff like that since my friend and I are always together." Then he told me about some stuff his teacher talked about, about not being mean. She used the example that someone might say to her, "You are fat, but don't take it personally." Just because it might be true, doesn't mean it is okay to say, she told them.

I tried to ask the child more about what the mean friends say. After all, I am the GSA adviser at my school, and bullying is a big deal to me. In fact, I was asked if I would talk at a PFLAG meeting in a neighboring county about Gay-Straight Alliances and bullying in schools, so it was kind of on my mind today.

Now my child looked really awkward and wouldn't tell me, instead he started running off down an aisle of the store with the cart. Then he found pistachios and begged me to buy them for him. First I said no, then I said, "If you tell me what the mean kids say."

"The mean kids say things like that word you said earlier."

"Marriage?"

"Sort of."

"So not exactly marriage? What exactly?"

"There are too many people around that might hear."

We wander the store, finishing our shopping, looking a the price of a video game he wants. Finally, when we are in a part of a store where there are not many people, I ask him again, reminding him of the pistachios.

He finally spells silently on his lips the word "L-O-V-E"

"So the mean kids tell you and your friend that you are in love?"

"Yes."

"Does that bother you?"

He nods.

"Does it bother your friend?"

"No, he just ignores them."

"Does your teacher know what the mean kids say to you? I won't tell her..."

"No."

"So she wasn't talking about not saying mean stuff because of mean things said to you and your friend?"

"No."

Later in the car...

"When the teacher was talking about not saying things that are mean, my friend spoke up and said that he likes to laugh when someone says something mean. That way, if they are trying to make him feel bad, laughing makes them think they've failed at their goal. But it also keeps him from feeling bad and getting upset."

"That sounds like a good plan."



I wish I could shelter him from this mean world. Children always tease each other about being in "love", but because of the society and culture we live in, it is obviously a little more awkward when the teasing is about two boys possibly being in love. This is the one child that won't talk to me--unless I bribe him, I guess--and I worry about him in particular more than the other kids.

God bless him to be strong, to ignore the mean kids, and to know that no matter what, he always has a safe place with me.