In Honor of Halloween...

. . . I present to you my very own Edward! Thanks for letting me post your picture, sweetie.

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. Here are some cute pictures of our kids from a family party on Sunday.


These are our three boys, ages 11, 7 and 3. (The princess is a cousin.) Yes, the oldest one is going for a Nightmare before Christmas type of look.

Bummer that they can't wear the masks to school, but they are grateful that they are allowed to wear costumes at all. It hasn't been allowed the past 2 years for security reasons. (Fear of some weirdo getting into the school in a costume and wrecking havoc or something like that.) This year the principal compromised and is allowing costumes, but no parade for family and friends to come enjoy.

I'm just grateful that I don't have to deal with any students tomorrow! They were hyper enough today!

It has been a good week for me, which is surprising since it is the end of the quarter at school, therefore making it pretty stressful.

I have been very blessed.

(The fact that our son's daycare provider appears to have successfully potty-trained him this week is pretty exciting, too!)

I hope you all have a wonderful Halloween!

Conversations with the children

My husband blogged about telling our children that he is gay: why we decided to tell them, what other people thought we should do, how we did tell them, and their reactions.

Sunday on the way home from church, my 12-year-old daughter said. “Mom, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.” She and I had driven separately to be to church early to rehearse with the choir. She had a meeting with the Beehive presidency after church to plan a Young Women’s activity, so here we were, coming home together, just the two of us.

“A couple of weeks ago in Young Womens, we were talking about things that are good and bad. Like the TV shows we watch and stuff like that. At the end, we were talking about marriage. One of the girls said something about gay marriage in California.”

Oh, no, here it comes. My daughter is now going to fight the same inner battle that I am fighting.

I asked her a few questions to clarify her words and the situation in her class. Apparently the comment was at the end of class and was just mentioned but not discussed in any detail. My daughter just wanted to know what her friend was talking about exactly.

I shared with her a brief history of the situation in CA, and then proceeded to share with her some of my own thoughts and feelings and how they conflict with the leaders of the church. I explained that maybe the leaders have not had personal experiences with someone who is gay, like we have, and don’t really understand what it all means, so they are saying things they believe even though it is not the same thing that I believe.

She and I sat in the garage, talking and crying together. I asked if she had noticed that I had been crying a lot lately. She had, and I told her that this was one of the reasons. I bore my testimony of the gospel to her too and let her know that even though I am confused and conflicted right now, I still have a testimony and want to go to church.

I then asked her if she was okay and apologized for what she was going through.

She smiled and said she was fine. I believe she is fine. She is strong, and she is still young, and I think she is able to feel the same love and understanding that I feel about gay marriage without letting it cause a conflict within her regarding following the Prophet.

I hope I have not influenced her feelings too much. She is at such an important age for building her testimony. I don’t want her to doubt it, and I don’t think she does. At the same time, this allows her the opportunity to learn at an early age about personal revelation, infallibility of church leaders, and compassion toward people regardless of their orientation, etc.

I have always been amazed at what a compassionate girl she is. I have also been amazed at her faith and testimony so far. She bore her testimony last month regarding her experience doing baptisms with the youth. I remember when she came home from the temple that day, she was teary eyed and glowing, immediately coming to me to tell me of her awesome experience.

One day I was watching an episode of Oprah that had a story of 2 gay men that have fostered 21 children and adopted 6. I replayed it for Scott and our two older children and then we talked about it. Our daughter thought it was nice that they could give the children a loving home. Our son (age 11) thought it was weird. He wouldn’t say much, but was obviously uncomfortable with it.

Only time will tell how he is handling all of this.

In the meantime, I sort of feel bad that we have brought them into the closet with us. The way things are going, though, it won’t be too long before there is no closet. It will be interesting to see how that affects the children as well.

I definitely don’t regret telling them. This is a journey we are all taking together, and it is strengthening our family as a result. That is a good thing.

Comforting Words

I tend to procrastinate my church calling.

During Sacrament meeting, I was reading the lesson for Relief Society, which was a conference talk by Elder Scott on abuse. I lead the music in Relief Society, and I try really hard to choose hymns that fit the lesson, so it is helpful to read it first. The topic that best fit the lesson was the atonement, both for someone who has been abused to heal from the pain and forgive, and for the abuser to repent from the transgression.

So I started perusing hymns from the low to mid 100's. Wow, there are a lot of hymns about how the atonement can bring peace and happiness to our lives.

I got so caught up reading through all the hymns and applying them to my own life, that my quest continued during Sunday School. The time went by really quickly for me as I was learning my own lesson, while a similar lesson was actually going on in the background. The instructor basically had the class read 3 Nephi 17-19 a verse at a time. Everyone read a verse, and the reading circulated through the large class 3 times. There was very little discussion, and Scott commented to me later about how boring it was. But I didn't notice, because I was weaving the words that were read about Christ healing and blessing the Nephites with the words of the hymns that I was reading.

I know the atonement is real and powerful. I know that my Savior loves me and wants me to cast my burdens on Him so that I can feel peace and happiness.

It was nice to be reminded of that message today. I always have a prayer in my heart to survive each moment of my day, but I think I need to remember to pray more often for the Savior to share my burden and make it light.

It was a good, peaceful day.

I hope it will continue tomorrow.

Confusion

I've been having a hard time for a while now. My happiness and ability to deal with life has been up and down, but lately a bit more down than up.

I am so tired of waking up nervous, throwing up, and then gagging down my breakfast like I've been doing for 3 weeks now. (And no, I'm not pregnant. It's just nerves.) I'm tired of not being able to concentrate and accomplish much during my planning time at school. I'm tired of blaming myself for every little thing...

Yesterday I went through a horrible guilty phase. I feel guilty about asking Scott to get up early (he is SO not a morning person) to make my lunch for me because I feel too sick to do it myself. I feel guilty about never wanting to plan or make dinner. I feel guilty about having Scott feed pills to my cat twice a day, from which he now has a few scratches and gashes; a cat he doesn't even want and never really wanted in the first place. I feel guilty that I am so hard to live with, so emotional and unhappy and anxious and dependent. Guilty that every night I need a bedtime snack and ask Scott to make me a smoothie or something. Guilty that I put him through so much, and with all that, he still doesn't have the reward of living with someone that he can feel fully attracted to and emotionally connected to like he quietly longs for.

Now I feel guilty because he is worried that he is the cause of my unhappiness. He longs for me to be happy and to truly understand and believe how much he DOES love me.

I have always been an emotional person, prone to guilt and anxiety. He's always wished that he could find a way to help me be happier.

Today he asked me if certain things he blogs or talks to me about or shows me make me weird. He seemed very sad when he asked. I told him I didn't know. I don't know if it is his being gay, or his talking to me about such things, or Proposition 8, or my struggles with student behavior at school this year, or day-in, day-out struggles with raising children and remembering everything that needs done, like homework and lessons and scout meetings, and making sure everything that needs laundered gets laundered in time for soccer or school or whatever. And making the house payment and the car payment and tithing and...

I told him that I think it is everything.

Everything piling on and making me feel like I just can't do it anymore. I was barely surviving the kids and work and church jobs and finances in my life last year, now add to that new information about my marriage and the choice not to agree with the leaders of the church, and everything else that has come from the gay thing, and it is just too much!

I think I need to stay away from the blogs for a while, but I can't. I come home from work and find Scott blogging and chatting. He is so consumed with all of this, and I think he is doing a lot of good for others. I'm grateful that he has made friends and found acceptance and is helping others do the same, but because he can't stay away from it, neither can I.

I know that some people who read our blogs think things are perfect for us and that maybe they want what we have. But, oh, I caution you to know that it is not easy, that the reason we are getting by is because we are such good friends. But it is still so confusing and uncertain at times.

I was so strong in July and August when everything happened. Scott and I both marveled at my strength (because we both know how weak I am). We realized that I was getting help from beyond, from my Heavenly Father and perhaps from Scott's deceased mother.

But now as I look back on the summer, I remember some of the hard days and that brings back some of the thoughts and emotions I was having at the time, only now I am weak instead of strong, and I am not handling them very well.

A conversation with a student about the movie "Wall-E" reminded me of the feelings I was going through the day after Scott came out to me. In an effort to distract ourselves from the life-changing event, we took our kids to the movie. Not a good time for a cute little romantic entertainment.

I'm so confused and sometimes I just want to go back to last year and forget that any of this ever happened...

But then I see the good that is coming from it too: the help and advice we can give others, the opportunity to educate our families, and especially our children, about tolerance and understanding. I have actually been elated today with glimpses into how this is giving us the opportunity to help others.

But oh, it is hard, and I am just so confused right now about how to pull myself together and accomplish what I need to accomplish.

Meanwhile, I keep pondering another statement from my patriarchal blessing, trying to figure out how to do it..."You will find joy in living, for happiness comes from within."

I think I just want to let Scott hold me for a while.

Truth and Peace

As I walked in my room this evening to get ready for bed, I was pondering on an email I received from someone indicating how my (and Scot'ts) thoughts and feelings have helped them to have a desire to grow closer to the church rather than away from it as they have been.

Suddenly, a phrase from my patriarchal blessing came to my mind and hit me with such clarity that I knew it was from my Heavenly Father…

“You are blessed with the talent to believe and to accept truth.”

I remember when I first received my blessing and I noticed this sentence, it was interesting to me. As a teenager, my testimony came easily for me. While my friends and even my family struggled with certain aspects in the church, I had an inner understanding of the gospel and accepted it without question.

This is the first time in my life that I have struggled with something that pertains to the gospel. As I have discussed it with my sister or my close friend at school, and have compared it to the blacks receiving the priesthood, their response has been, “But this is different. Marriage is part of the plan of salvation and a central part of the gospel. It cannot change.”

But my inner feelings have not agreed with them.

And now I feel like my Heavenly Father is telling me that he gave me a talent to accept truth, and that what I am feeling is truth, and he wants me to just accept and believe it, which is hard, considering that the leaders of the church say otherwise.

But my heart is filled with more peace right now than I have felt all day, and perhaps all weekend. I am so grateful to have a glimpse into God’s higher purpose for me right now.

And with that, I am off to grade some math tests that I have not been able to concentrate on grading.

Trial of Faith

It would be so easy to rid myself of this turmoil and just do what I’ve always done and follow the prophet.

It would have been so easy for Joseph Smith to deny that he saw the first vision and avoid being abused and tarred and feathered and killed.

Or is it, really?

Joseph couldn’t deny that which he had really seen and experienced and knew to be true.

Likewise, I cannot deny what is in my heart, what the spirit has whispered to me about freedom and agency and love and tolerance.

I don’t know why I am letting this all get to me so strongly. It is making me physically ill. Every Sunday I am nervous, my stomach hurts, my brain is fuzzy, I can’t keep from crying. Today I have a headache. Proposition 8 doesn’t even affect me directly, but it hurts so much nonetheless.

One of the high council speakers today mentioned how some members of the church want church leaders to stay out of the Proposition 8 battle. And then he said that he agrees with the leaders and their involvement; that not being involved would send the wrong message to the world.

In Relief Society the lesson was about trials. It started out about the same way this blog post started, how Joseph went through so many trials because he could not deny what he knew to be true. That led the instructor to say how today, we face different trials than the pioneers did, but they are still just as hard even they are more emotional and mental trials than physical. And no matter what the world says is okay, we have to take a stance against things we know to be wrong, like pornography and … (she stammered a bit, like as if she wanted to say gay marriage, but didn’t. Maybe my letter had some sort of impact on her.) …the church has to stand up and say no to things that the world wants.

She said some good things, like how during trials we have to have faith in God that he is refining us and making us better. He allows us to suffer things so that we can show true empathy for others who suffer the same things. She commented on how a couple of her siblings have left the church, and she has seen her mother change from it. The mother is loving and accepting and non-condemning of those siblings, different than she would have been earlier in her life.

But then her thought turned to how some parents try to get the church to change their position and accept their child’s behavior, instead of just loving the child but still recognizing that what the child has done is wrong.

Every time she teaches, I feel like she is speaking directly to me, trying to save my soul from heading the wrong direction.

I have decided that something has to change. I have gone through this week striving for inner peace, striving to accept that God has a higher purpose in all this and that I don’t need to worry. But the peace has not come, and every Sunday I am in more turmoil than I was the week before. I cannot function like this. I know that the gospel is true, and I cannot leave the church, but continuing to stay is agony.

I don’t know what to do. I only hope that things will be easier when the election is over, but by then, will the damage be too much for me to pick up the pieces?

Thy Will Be Done

I feel so confused. My nervousness of the last week was all but gone until this morning as I anticipated attending church. I hope this blog post will help me sort out my thoughts and feelings.

I think the thing that confuses me the most on the Proposition 8 issue is that there are people on both sides of the issue that say they have prayed and that they have received confirmation that their viewpoint is right with God. How is that possible?

I have a friend in CA that I called a few weeks ago to discuss the subject with her. She has lived in CA for several years now (since she got home from her mission, and she is my age, 34). In our telephone conversation I learned that she knows people that are gay and there is one in her extended family that she knows well, and that she "understands" them and has love and tolerance for them. She shared with me that when Proposition 22 was going on a few years ago, she wondered why the church would get involved in politics. So she prayed to understand, and felt like it was the right thing for them to do because it is a “moral issue”. I let her know that I didn’t agree, but I quickly realized that nothing would change her mind at this point, so I kept my arguments to myself.

Meanwhile, when I read or hear stories of loving same-sex relationships, I feel peace. I think I feel the love of God toward these people as they lovingly serve each other and care for adopted or foster children. When I read the church’s news release “The Divine Institution of Marriage” I feel anger and confusion. Scott says that he has prayed and pondered the issue several times, trying to be open to the fact that the leaders of the church are seers and receive revelation from God for the church. But he always gets the same answer, and he does not feel good about Proposition 8.

So which answer is right? Mine and Scott’s? My friend in CA (and the leaders of the LDS church)?

Anyway, in Sunday school today we discussed Christ’s appearance to the Nephites in the America after he was resurrected. He taught them (3 Nephi 11: 28-29):

And there shall be no disputations among you, as there have hitherto been; neither shall there be disputations among you concerning the points of my doctrine, as there have hitherto been.

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

We talked about how that for three generations after Christ’s appearance, there was peace. His visit and teachings were so impressive on the people that peace lasted that long. Their testimonies must have been so strong to pass the testimony and message and peace to their children and their children’s children.

If they were truly at peace, doesn’t that mean they would have sincerely loved any gay people that would have been among them? Does that mean that as members of the church truly follow the teachings of Christ, we will be able to find peace as well?

I’m just sitting here staring at my computer, feeling more and more confused. It seems impossible to bring peace to this issue. People on each side have such differing opinions. On one side it is God’s will because the prophet says so. On the other side, it is love and charity and agency and everything that the plan of salvation is really about. Is there any way to reconcile it so that there can be “no disputations among [us]”?

And are both sides really inspired? If they are, what is God trying to accomplish? Or is this contention somehow really of the devil? If so, which side am I on? Am I on the devil’s side even though it feels so much like God’s love? But how could the devil possibly influence so strongly the leaders of the church?

In Relief Society today someone made a comment about how when we have trials in life, we have to have faith in God that He knows what He is doing, even if we don’t yet understand it. Is that His answer to me: have faith that he is on both sides, and that this division in opinions needs to happen right now for a greater purpose?

In 3 Nephi 11:11, Christ says:

And behold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning.

Even He that was greatest of all had to suffer the will of the Father. (Although at least I think He understood why he had to.) I don’t understand why I am suffering, but I think that He is telling me that in order for me to feel peace right now, I don’t have to agree with Proposition 8, but I do need to have faith in His greater purpose.

I think that’s it: don’t ask why, just let myself feel of God’s love for all of his children, have faith, and thereby find peace. It is not an easy thing he asks of me, but I will try.