Trial of Faith

It would be so easy to rid myself of this turmoil and just do what I’ve always done and follow the prophet.

It would have been so easy for Joseph Smith to deny that he saw the first vision and avoid being abused and tarred and feathered and killed.

Or is it, really?

Joseph couldn’t deny that which he had really seen and experienced and knew to be true.

Likewise, I cannot deny what is in my heart, what the spirit has whispered to me about freedom and agency and love and tolerance.

I don’t know why I am letting this all get to me so strongly. It is making me physically ill. Every Sunday I am nervous, my stomach hurts, my brain is fuzzy, I can’t keep from crying. Today I have a headache. Proposition 8 doesn’t even affect me directly, but it hurts so much nonetheless.

One of the high council speakers today mentioned how some members of the church want church leaders to stay out of the Proposition 8 battle. And then he said that he agrees with the leaders and their involvement; that not being involved would send the wrong message to the world.

In Relief Society the lesson was about trials. It started out about the same way this blog post started, how Joseph went through so many trials because he could not deny what he knew to be true. That led the instructor to say how today, we face different trials than the pioneers did, but they are still just as hard even they are more emotional and mental trials than physical. And no matter what the world says is okay, we have to take a stance against things we know to be wrong, like pornography and … (she stammered a bit, like as if she wanted to say gay marriage, but didn’t. Maybe my letter had some sort of impact on her.) …the church has to stand up and say no to things that the world wants.

She said some good things, like how during trials we have to have faith in God that he is refining us and making us better. He allows us to suffer things so that we can show true empathy for others who suffer the same things. She commented on how a couple of her siblings have left the church, and she has seen her mother change from it. The mother is loving and accepting and non-condemning of those siblings, different than she would have been earlier in her life.

But then her thought turned to how some parents try to get the church to change their position and accept their child’s behavior, instead of just loving the child but still recognizing that what the child has done is wrong.

Every time she teaches, I feel like she is speaking directly to me, trying to save my soul from heading the wrong direction.

I have decided that something has to change. I have gone through this week striving for inner peace, striving to accept that God has a higher purpose in all this and that I don’t need to worry. But the peace has not come, and every Sunday I am in more turmoil than I was the week before. I cannot function like this. I know that the gospel is true, and I cannot leave the church, but continuing to stay is agony.

I don’t know what to do. I only hope that things will be easier when the election is over, but by then, will the damage be too much for me to pick up the pieces?

Thy Will Be Done

I feel so confused. My nervousness of the last week was all but gone until this morning as I anticipated attending church. I hope this blog post will help me sort out my thoughts and feelings.

I think the thing that confuses me the most on the Proposition 8 issue is that there are people on both sides of the issue that say they have prayed and that they have received confirmation that their viewpoint is right with God. How is that possible?

I have a friend in CA that I called a few weeks ago to discuss the subject with her. She has lived in CA for several years now (since she got home from her mission, and she is my age, 34). In our telephone conversation I learned that she knows people that are gay and there is one in her extended family that she knows well, and that she "understands" them and has love and tolerance for them. She shared with me that when Proposition 22 was going on a few years ago, she wondered why the church would get involved in politics. So she prayed to understand, and felt like it was the right thing for them to do because it is a “moral issue”. I let her know that I didn’t agree, but I quickly realized that nothing would change her mind at this point, so I kept my arguments to myself.

Meanwhile, when I read or hear stories of loving same-sex relationships, I feel peace. I think I feel the love of God toward these people as they lovingly serve each other and care for adopted or foster children. When I read the church’s news release “The Divine Institution of Marriage” I feel anger and confusion. Scott says that he has prayed and pondered the issue several times, trying to be open to the fact that the leaders of the church are seers and receive revelation from God for the church. But he always gets the same answer, and he does not feel good about Proposition 8.

So which answer is right? Mine and Scott’s? My friend in CA (and the leaders of the LDS church)?

Anyway, in Sunday school today we discussed Christ’s appearance to the Nephites in the America after he was resurrected. He taught them (3 Nephi 11: 28-29):

And there shall be no disputations among you, as there have hitherto been; neither shall there be disputations among you concerning the points of my doctrine, as there have hitherto been.

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.

We talked about how that for three generations after Christ’s appearance, there was peace. His visit and teachings were so impressive on the people that peace lasted that long. Their testimonies must have been so strong to pass the testimony and message and peace to their children and their children’s children.

If they were truly at peace, doesn’t that mean they would have sincerely loved any gay people that would have been among them? Does that mean that as members of the church truly follow the teachings of Christ, we will be able to find peace as well?

I’m just sitting here staring at my computer, feeling more and more confused. It seems impossible to bring peace to this issue. People on each side have such differing opinions. On one side it is God’s will because the prophet says so. On the other side, it is love and charity and agency and everything that the plan of salvation is really about. Is there any way to reconcile it so that there can be “no disputations among [us]”?

And are both sides really inspired? If they are, what is God trying to accomplish? Or is this contention somehow really of the devil? If so, which side am I on? Am I on the devil’s side even though it feels so much like God’s love? But how could the devil possibly influence so strongly the leaders of the church?

In Relief Society today someone made a comment about how when we have trials in life, we have to have faith in God that He knows what He is doing, even if we don’t yet understand it. Is that His answer to me: have faith that he is on both sides, and that this division in opinions needs to happen right now for a greater purpose?

In 3 Nephi 11:11, Christ says:

And behold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning.

Even He that was greatest of all had to suffer the will of the Father. (Although at least I think He understood why he had to.) I don’t understand why I am suffering, but I think that He is telling me that in order for me to feel peace right now, I don’t have to agree with Proposition 8, but I do need to have faith in His greater purpose.

I think that’s it: don’t ask why, just let myself feel of God’s love for all of his children, have faith, and thereby find peace. It is not an easy thing he asks of me, but I will try.

We will survive

For those of you who have been following my blog and are concerned, I have been feeling better the last couple of days. I still wake up with butterflies in my stomach, but once I start teaching my first class, they seem to dissipate and stay away until I read an article in the newspaper or someone's blog that reminds me just how infuriating and confusing the church's involvement in Prop. 8 is right now. Then the nerves and stomach-ache come back until I am distracted by something else in my ever-busy life.

Today I am most grateful for my 3 year old. I was determined to get the potty training thing done this summer. (So far, up to age 12, potty training is the worst thing about being a parent.) I became very discouraged immediately with the process upon discovering that the child threw a tantrum when he was merely asked to sit on a small potty chair. Not even the promise of candy would change his fear. Just the occasional suggestion for him to give it a try sent him into hysteria. So, when the gay thing hit, I decided it was not even worth the effort and worry of trying anymore. I decided maybe we could give it another go over Christmas.

But then, tonight when I was changing him for bed, he said "I don't want to wear a diaper any more." "Okay, do you want to go potty then?" "YES!' He marched to the bathroom and sat proudly on the chair and then wanted to wear a pull-up. The rest of us in the house got over our momentary shock and then turned to elation and praise. My 11 year old sang to him "I'm a big boy now." So he started singing it too, over and over. I sang it right after he did one time, and then he said, "No, you're not a big boy, you're a mom." We all laughed. I haven't been so relaxed and happy for days.

So I have to be grateful for the little things.

I'm not sure I want to go to church this week, or this month. I am afraid again of what I might hear, especially with all the hype this week. I pray for all of you who are struggling with this as I am. I worry about members in CA that are against prop 8 as well and yet are constantly bombarded with it at church. I worry for those who it affects directly, like Scot and Rob. I hope and pray that we will all make it through this in one piece, and then be able to handle whatever more of it comes in the future.

I am trying to face life with hope the best I can. Scott has been a bit down about all of this today, so it is good that I have been feeling better. With the love of God in our hearts, I think we will survive. At least I hope so.

Anxiety

Over the past week, my anxiety has hit levels it has not reached for the last 14 years or so. Although I have dealt with anxiety my entire life to an extent, it was about 15 years ago that it started going out of control. At first, I kept thinking I was having heart attacks (at age 19, no less), but eventually learned that my heart was fine and my symptoms were actually panic attacks. A few months later, I began having days when I was nervous constantly: you know the butterfly-in-the stomach feeling when you have to give a talk or something? Like that, only with no apparent reason for it and for hours and hours with only momentary reprieves. I found out it had a name: generalized anxiety disorder.

I went to doctor after doctor trying to find a solution: counseling, psychiatrist, allergist, alternative medicine. I'm not sure what finally helped me, but eventually my life seemed under control again, with a bit more anxiety than I had prior to age 19, but not anything that I couldn't handle or deal with from day to day. I did have a few leftover anxieties relating to panic attacks I had during that time period, like driving on the freeway or eating pot luck meals where there could be nuts as an ingredient unbeknown to me (since I am deathly allergic).

I do find it interesting, though, that my anxiety started shortly after Scott left on his mission, and then started to subside shortly after he came home from his mission. Coincidence? I really don't know.

So, as my anxiety has now resurfaced suddenly (and I am back to the butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling pretty constantly), it occurred to me to wonder if on some subconscious level, I am afraid of losing Scott (like I did when he left on a mission, only this time forever) and that has pushed my anxiety back into full swing. I expressed that concern to him a few days ago.

Tonight, he and I were talking about it some more. He helped me realize that I have known he is gay since July, and yet my anxiety is surfacing now. I seemed to be going along just fine, and then wham, it started with depression and lots of crying, and then turned into this nervous feeling. He thinks it started spiraling downward at the point we met with our bishop.

I do think there is some link to the stress I am facing at school, but school has always been stressful, and I've always handled it before, so why is it out of control now? I guess it is probably a combination of things.

So, if Scott is right, and it is mostly the bishop thing and conflicts that I am feeling as a result of embracing gayness vs. following the prophet, then what do I do about it? I had already determined not to go inactive, but if my anxiety now seems to be out of control and getting worse, what should we do? What is best for me, for my health and sanity, and for our family?

Any ideas?

Angels

With Elder Holland's sweet talk fresh on my mind, I feel impressed to thank all those who read my blog, especially those who comment on it, and those who don't comment but might still offer a prayer for me. Thank you for being some of my angels.

Out to my Family

Scott has posted about coming out to his family, and I think mentioned we did not know at what point we would tell my family.

It all started about a month ago when my sister was over one day and our conversation led a certain direction and I told her. She thought it was strange, but did not really react. She did say that she wasn't sure she would bother telling her husband. Then she was over again with her teenage daughter when I was stressed about a meeting we had scheduled with our bishop. That then led to her filling in the daughter and telling the husband as well. I guess it was kind of weird for him, and he wondered why we are bothering to tell anyone if nothing has changed (we've heard that before from one of Scott's brothers--they don't know what it is like in the closet, do they?). When I asked her what she thought of telling mom, her reaction was about what I was thinking: that mom might worry a bit, but "I wouldn't tell Dad. I don't think he would react well."

Then on labor day, we dropped by my brother's house. My sister-in-law was telling me with disgust about a lady she knows (that I know of) who recently married her girlfriend in CA. I shrugged at the news and said, "good for her" instead of sharing in the disgust. She looked a little shocked, so I quickly asked for Scott's permission and then told all. She first said "You're kidding, right?" and then looked a bit uncomfortable and shocked as I filled in some details to verify the information. Her attitude quickly changed to one of love and support of Scott. She reminisced about how gay guys were some of her best clients when she sold Tupperware. My brother shrugged and said he knew gay guys at work, and it was no big deal. They both were concerned though as they said "You're not going to tell the parents, are you? Dad especially would not react well." I have not heard from them since, but I haven't called them either, which is not unusual.

A little over a week ago, my mom was telling me about how the lesson in Relief Society (plan of salvation lesson) made her think that she will not make it to the celestial kingdom. I told her that I had recently decided that getting into heaven is a lot more gray and less black and white than I used to think, that God will judge us individually for our circumstances and what is in our hearts. Our conversation continued about how neither she nor I has ever really "enjoyed" attending the temple and one thing led to another and I shared with her how I am struggling with the church's involvement in CA politics. And of course, that eventually led to my telling her about Scott. We were talking in one room (while Scott sat beside us reading a book, every once in a while interjecting a comment into our conversation) while my Dad was playing a board game with our kids in another room.

The conversation with my Mom didn't skip a beat. She immediately began talking about the 1978 manifesto and then about how coffee was on the list for pioneers to pack in their wagons, so how did it end up against the Word of Wisdom? Anyway, as our conversation wound down (because the game finished in the other room), I told her she could tell Dad, and she said, "I don't want to tell him. Do you want to tell him? I don't know how he would react." I said "no, I don't want to. Not right now." Anyway, we left shortly thereafter and I worried that she would worry about me and not even have my dad to talk to about it.

Then, today, she and I chatted a bit about the topic on the phone. I was sharing with her how grateful I have been to have Scott in my life this week, for his support through my anxiety and hysteria. She shared with me that she had told Dad the night I had told her. This was very interesting to me, because we had them over for dinner for a child's birthday on Sunday and my Dad was very complimentary of the meal Scott prepared. And then he mentioned again on the phone a couple of days ago about what a great cook Scott is, etc. When I told Scott today that I found out my Dad knew when they were over, he thought that was interesting, because he said that my Dad had been more complementary to him personally than usual.

With tears in my eyes, I said to him "That is my Dad's way of letting you know that he accepts you for who you are."

And with that, we are out. There are no more secrets at family gatherings. It feels liberating and weird all at the same time. Only time will tell how everyone is really feeling, if we ever happen to find out at all.

The power of medications, prayer, and priesthood

I am a hypochondriac of sorts. I am afraid of taking foreign substances into my body and what they might do to me. This might stem from certain food allergies that I have had since childhood that make me afraid of and very cautious of what I eat. I remember in early adolescence attending assemblies in school about how to say no to drugs. I never got the chance to practice my skill because no one ever offered me any (I was one of those molly Mormon nerd types—still am, I guess, in many ways), but I don’t think I ever would have had a problem saying no even with peer pressure because I am so afraid of what I eat and take in.

Maybe it also has to do with other experiences, like passing out from local anesthetic administered for a wart removal, or the horrible affect that morphine had on me when I was in labor with my 2nd child, or how my emotions and anxiety go crazy when I try to take birth control pills, or how I became tolerant to and went through withdrawal symptoms to get off of Xanax, prescribed for my anxiety.

13 years ago when Scott and I decided to marry and not to wait to have our family, I prayerfully stopped taking a beneficial anti-anxiety drug that had no apparent side effects (Buspar, I believe) because we wanted to make sure that I was not taking anything that could potentially be harmful to future unborn children.

During those 13 years, I have not been easy to live with. But I have been able to manage. So even though Scott at times wondered if I should go back on something to help with my anxiety, stress, and volatile emotions, I always told him no, I didn’t want to be dependent on something like that, and I tried harder to be easier to live with.

Well, it has finally come to the point that I am ready to take his advice. I am no longer able to manage. It has been a really hard week for both of us as my anxiety levels have taken me to places in my thoughts that I never want to go again. My doctor called in a prescription for Zoloft for me yesterday, and now the drug that is supposed to eventually make me less anxious is making me momentarily more anxious as I think about taking a in a foreign substance and wondering what ill affects it could have.

I have wondered how I was able to brilliantly get through such a hard week merely a month ago as we met with our bishop, and yet since have had such a hard time dealing with the day in/day out stresses of work and family. I realized that many were praying for us the week we met with the bishop. I felt the power of those prayers and am certain that I had angels surrounding me for a few days. Then, once it was over, the prayers of others in my behalf were not uttered any more, and I fell hard without those angels around me. It is not that I am not grateful for the prayers in the first place, it just helps me realize what power there is in praying for others.

With tough trials come great opportunities, however. A highlight of the week was when I was going particularly crazy and asked Scott for a blessing. I was impressed with how powerful and immediate the affects of the blessing were. A few minutes earlier, he tried to calm me down on his own, with little success. But with the power of God, there was an immediate feeling of peace that started at his hands on my head and melted down through my body and allowed me to soon sleep and rest before facing another day. This blessing helped me realize a couple of things: It affirmed my testimony that God lives and that the power of the priesthood is real. But it also helped me realize that even though Scott is “disobeying” the prophet with his views on Proposition 8, God still finds him to be a worthy servant as he uses his priesthood power.