Mormon Stories Conference November 2011

I am so excited that portions of the LGBTQ Mormon Stories Conference from last Novemeber is finally becoming available on YouTube. Here is one of them. I was going to blog about the experience right after, but I never did, and I forgot so much. I am excited to re-listen and then maybe blog about the experience.




One of the most exciting things was meeting two other couples, one from Texas, one from Idaho, that are pretty much in the same situation as Scott and I. We had a wonderful lunch with them and also with another straight wife that contacted me through my blog long ago. Meeting her, and having her share with me what my email to her meant to her, was incredible.

Scott's parents even came to part of the conference. Carol Lynn Pearson continues to be one of my greatest heros. The interfaith service on Sunday morning was so touching and uplifting, and I wished that there was such a service for me to attend every Sunday!

One of the most memorable things I gleaned was from a workshop on Saturday with Lee Beckstead, where a movie clip was shared, and at the beginning of the clip was this saying: "The lotus is a flower that blooms in the mud. The thicker and deeper the mud, the more beautiful the lotus blooms."

There was also Friday night, where at a discussion with Carol Lynn Pearson and Bill Bradshaw, I finally braved the constant stream of comments and questions and shared my own heart-breaking experience with church, church leaders, church "doctrine", and church attendance, especially with children in consideration. Many thanked me for my comments, and cried with me as I cried through my words. Carol Lynn gave me an incredible hug and much encouragement.

Anyway, as more of these videos become available, I will make them available here, along with my thoughts as I have time to watch them.

Gospel Principles = Happiness?

Today (actually, I guess it was yesterday) our home teacher came and gave us a short lesson about setting a good example. He is a great man and friend, and teaches things in a very humble but confident way, very down to earth. In his message he commented that someday someone might thank us for our example, for standing up for what we know is right. But that no one would ever thank us for doing the wrong thing. Like "thanks for drinking that beer last night" or "thank you for watching that inappropriate movie."

It seemed as though he was mostly talking to my teenagers, not because he thought they needed it, but just because it is a common topic of choice for youth.

But I couldn't help but question the word "never" in his examples. When he gave the beer example, my mind wandered to my New Year's celebration, and how my friends at my house seemed surprised and maybe proud of me that I was willing to try a sip of the champagne that Scott had brought (He pre-approved bringing it with me first, for you curious stalkers out there.) It is now normal for me to try a sip of whatever drink Scott has ordered when we are out to dinner somewhere. So far the only thing that I have liked at all has been a sangria at Applebees. Even then, though, I limited myself to the one sip and I have never desired more. I really can't stand the taste of anything else I have tried, and I hate the way it burns going down my throat. When I first started tasting his drinks, I still had a temple recommend, and I did not feel bad about it. But now that I realize I shall never again have a recommend, it would seem that nothing should stop me from partaking. At least that is how it is with Scott and many of my other friends. But I have no desire to feel the affects of alcohol or to do anything other than taste.

Later today at Scott's parent's house, I overheard a conversation between Scott's dad and a nephew that is preparing for a mission. I was in and out of the audible location of the conversation since I was packing up food I had brought so that my family would be ready to leave. At one point I heard him say "Following gospel principals always makes life easier." I don't know if it was because he became aware of me standing by him at the time, but he seemed to glance at me and say "at least it usually does."

I reponded with "I don't know about that. I was following gospel principles when all hell broke loose in my life."

To which he responded, "But it does make it easier to handle things that come into our lives."

I could have said more, but instead I walked away since I had the cake packaged up and was ready to go. It's moments like these that make me understand why Scott is so uncomfortable in the presence of his family, and why he has chosen not to come at all for the last seven months, other than dinner on Christmas Eve.

On the way home, I sort of processed my thoughts outloud with my daughter. Last week I went to Sacrament meeting and later to a fireside about the upcoming stake pioneer trek this summer, and I spent time crying as a result, with my typical messed-up recovery day on Monday. I ended up crying at lunch to my friends about my post-traumatic stress with listening to my Stake President speak. My active Mormon friends suggested that it was essential that I stop putting myself in that situation and that attending a different ward in a different stake might be a good option.

So I mentioned to my daughter that last weekend was hard on me because of my church attendance, but that today was wonderful with no church attendance. I was going to go because a couple of our neighbors were reporting on their missions, and in fact last week the kids and I had decided that we would all go, but the three oldest kids went while I stayed home with the younger two, the three of us suffering from a mild cold.

So, does following the principle of attending church meetings make life easier? For me and lots of other people I know, absolutely not. That even includes gay-friendly firesides, where the presiding leader gets up to give closing remarks, and knowing his audience, still talks about following the prophet and attending the temple. And that was not in my stake, so I'm not sure that attending somewhere else would be any better for me.

I apologized to my daughter for my being such a bad example (such as sipping champagne on New Years) and she said "You aren't a bad example. You are a good example." She has chosen (at the moment) to be active in the church, and it does not seem to be causing her any anxiety or changing the ways she views gay rights or our gay friends. She honors and recognizes my struggle and decisions regarding church attendance, and does not hold it against me in the least. And she smiled and said, "Be glad that all of this has kept you from becoming like the _________." (Insert name of an extremely righteous family in our ward with extrememly sheltered children.)

If gospel principles are just those outlined in the fourth article of faith, then that would be faith in Jesus Christ, repentance, baptism, and gift of the holy ghost. I do the first two, and I've done the second two. I guess I don't repent of what others think I should repent of--like dissing the prophet on facebook (which was really more like dissing the gospel principles manual), and I guess I have not been attending Sacrament meeting very much lately to take the Sacrament and renew my baptismal covenants, but is all that being too technical? I still try to repent of things that I do that I realize are actually wrong, and right the wrong when possible.

Now that I've brought up the gospel principles manual, I believe that is more likely what my father-in-law means by gospel principles, including honesty and law of chastity and word of wisdom, etc, etc.

As I was processing with my daughter, I mentioned that most Mormons are way to picky about following all of the tiny guidelines with exactness, without deviation, firmly believing that is the only way to be happy.

But I am happier now that I've loosened up a bit with regards to Scott drinking, and by showing him that I really have with my sincere desire to taste-test. I believe it has helped to strengthen our friendship and our newly-defined relationship as co-parents and friends.

I am usually happier now that I don't attend all of my church meetings, other than a bit of guilt that comes from 37 years of regular church attendance.

Happier now that I have a broader view of life and religion and spirituality. (I've begun attending a class on "Integral Spirituality" at a Universal Unitarian church one evening a week.)

I believe that I continue to maintain values and beliefs that will keep me out of trouble and help me to be more happy in the long run, and I am teaching those to my children. In fact, we just decided last week to follow a weekly reading schedule in the Book of Mormon as outlined in the January issue of The Friend magazine.

But I have no idea exactly where the path I am on will end up, and at the moment, I am okay with that. (Who knows how I might feel about it tomorrow.)

Thanks for reading my ramblings, as usual. I wish I had time to post more often. Goodnight.

Holy Socks

As I was folding laundry yesterday, I had two piles of socks in addition to the matched and folded ones. One was a pile that had no matches and the other was ones with huge holes in them. As I finished with the project, I picked up the "lost socks" and took them to a basket in the laundry room that we affectionately call "lost sock heaven." There they sit in peace and tranquility, waiting for their lost mate to be found, sometimes re-joining them so that they can get back to the purpose for which they were created. Once in a while, a sock that has been in heaven for a long time gets put to use elsewhere, being filled with rice to serve as a heating pad on someone's arm after a flu shot, or transforming into a sock puppet to delight a child.

I picked up the pile of holy socks and thrust them down into the garbage. Some of them still had mates that were also holy, others lonely but too holy to go to"heaven". Many in the past have gone to my school, been used as white-board erasers and then thrown away.

I suddenly found irony in the fact the single socks were going to heaven and the holy socks were not.

Is there any analogy here in "holy" socks verses lonely socks? Maybe it's just me being silly after a long day of household chores. Or maybe it could be something more than that... ;)

Set Fire to the Rain

Sweet Adele

She nails it with this one. You have to watch the video for the whole interpretation of the lyrics.



"Set Fire To The Rain"

I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they're strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets better

'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
'Cause I knew that there was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.

[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
'Cause I knew that there was the last time, the last time, oh, oh!

Let it burn
Let it burn
Let it burn

I AM Equal

Ooh. It just occurred to me that I totally need to post our new pictures from the I AM Equal Foundation. They turned out awesome! I guess that is what a professional photographer can do. I'm trying to figure out a way to work them into our Christmas letter this year. :)

Temple Recommend wish list

Last night or this morning--it all kind of blends together when you have a sick toddler that won't sleep--I was pondering on the temple recommend interview questions. I firmly believe--or my leaders have convinced me--that I do not qualify for a recommend simply because I do not support and sustain my leaders. And if I don't now, then I believe I never will. The damage that has been done to my faith in church leaders is too deep.

I've always believed that the recommend questions are between an individual and the Lord. Isn't that what we are taught? But that belief has been nulified over and over with me and many of my friends that are facing the same struggles that I am. Many of those friends do not even wish to attend the temple any more, and so it does not matter to them. But I am torn. I don't really want to attend the temple right now--I'm not even attending church! I doubt I would feel any more comfortable at once place than the other at the moment.

But I also have a longing for it. I miss the moments of spirituallity in my life. But I stopped feeling them at church--instead such feelings were replaced with anxiety and panic. Would I still feel the spirit at the temple?  I'm not sure. I am numb in a lot of ways. In addition to being spiritually numb, I am definiately also sexually numb. Nothing turns me on. The only thing I am slightly attracted to any more is the beautiful face of Legolas on Lord of the Rings. :)

Oops. I got a little sidetracked. :) But it made me smile, so all good!

So, to the point of this post.

I think (and what does my opinion matter at all!) that the temple recommend questions should be limited to:

1. Do you believe in God and Jesus Christ and have a testimony of the gospel of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
2. Do you feel worthy in every way to attend the temple?

Anyway, just my two cents. :)

Have a good Sabbath.

Spiritually Free

A few weeks ago, my daughter (age 15) was asked to do two different things, both of which she agreed to. Then I discovered that both were the same night, and she would have to make a decision and tell one of them that she would not be able to help after all.

The first was to present something at Young Women in Excellence, which is an additional meeting once a year, usually in November, for young women in the LDS church, and usually their parents as well, to celebrate the girls' accomplishments in the Young Women Personal Progress program, which involves setting goals and accomplishing certain things in each of 8 value areas. For this year's program, our young women presidency chose to focus on family. Here is the description from an email I received a month or two ago:

Our "Family Forever" Young Women In Excellence is scheduled... and all YW and their Moms and Grandmas are invited.


We would like to ask if any YW or Mom who has an heirloom of an ancestor would be willing to share what it is and why it is so important to you and your family, maybe tell the story behind it. This will be our "Grandma's Secret Stories" portion of the evening.


Also if you have completed any Personal Progress experiences or projects, we will have tables up for display and would like some kind of display on anything from each Young Women. Look through your Personal Progress book to see if you can find something you have done to display for that night. It will be a Victorian style event and we hope to have you all there!

The second event she was asked to help with was a "Straight Spouse Network" meeting. A friend of mine who is recently separated from her gay husband is also a therapist and works specifically with youth. She was asked to talk to the group about how to help children within the chaos of our lives in mixed-orientation marriages and frequently also the subsequent separation and divorce. She herself has two young children, and so even though she has training as a therapist, she felt like she didn't have much personal experience to draw on. So she thought of my daughter, to whom Scott came out when she was twelve. The friend talked to me about it first, and then asked my daughter if she would come and talk at the meeting, to give her perspective on how parents could best handle things with their children.

It was the next day, about 10 days before both events, that I was playing the piano prelude in Relief Society when I suddenly realized the conflict. I left the piano and found my daughter in her young women's meeting right before it started. I told her of the conflict, and make sure to tell her that I would support her with whichever one she chose, but that she would need to let the other person know as soon as possible that she would not be able to do what she said she would.

After Relief Society, she came in with the baby and other boys as usual, finding me so that we could go home together. But this time also with her was the Young Women's president, telling me how she let her know that she had a conflict with young women in excellence--wondering if there was any way we could adjust our schedule so that she could somehow be there anyway. I explained that the two things were the same time, and nothing could be changed, and that I had allowed my daughter to make the choice. The president kept going on about how she had specifically chosen my daughter to do this part. I told her I was sorry, that it was her decision, and that I would have supported her either way, but that honestly I was having a hard time with church and was planning not to come any more, and that I would be more comfortable not attending the young women's meeting anyway.

Of course I felt guilty about that decision as the night drew nearer, and I kept double-checking with my daughter to make sure she was doing what SHE wanted to do. She assured me that she was, but still the pain and guilt stung every time I thought about it, especially when I received another email from the president, asking parents to send family photos to her for a slide show she was creating for the event.

The night arrived. My oldest son ended up attending his scout/youth meeting that night. So with no babysitter available, I hauled the other 4 children to the straight spouse meeting. It was a great time to let other people know that they are not alone with this challenge. A couple of people kind of monopolized the meeting with their own struggles right now, and we were all glad that we could be there to input and help them through. But as a result, my daughter did not get the chance to say very much, and so I was silently wondering if she regretted not going to the other event instead.

But on the way home, she started the conversation, "That was good. I'm glad I chose to come here instead of Young Women's in Excellence tonight." Really? I shared with her my thoughts that maybe she was bored and would have regretted her decision. We had a wonderful conversation. She talked about how she was glad to miss the church meeting because she feels so much pressure and guilt there to earn her "ribbons" for the value experiences, which eventually lead to earning the Young Womanhood recognition and accompanying medallion. I admitted to her that I was glad I was not there because the focus in the Young Women's program is preparing for the temple and temple marriage, and so I knew it would sting to be reminded that I do not qualify for a recommend, and that my own temple marriage is far from what I hoped and planned for when I was her age. Then somehow we got on the topic of testimony, and how hard it is to go to church because I do not like the topics of "temple marriage" and "follow the prophet", but that it is also hard not to go because I do have a testimony of the gospel, of God and Jesus Christ. She shared with me a recent experience she had when she had an assignment from seminary to pray to know that God knows her personally, and she forgot to do it at home, so then prayed while she was walking to school, and had it confirmed within her heart that God does know her personally. What a comfort that must be to her, with as crazy as our lives are and as conflicting the messages and feelings. To know, truly know, that she is a daughter of God that loves her and knows her personally. It was a sweet moment for me, and I thanked her for sharing, and asked her to write about it in her journal. We soon arrived home, and she commented that had we been driving home from the church instead of from the meeting we attended in Salt Lake, that we would not have had this wonderful time to talk and share our feelings and experiences and testimonies. And I have thought again at how lucky I am that God spared her life as a fragile infant and that she can be with me now, such a strength and help to me in so many ways.

Today my children decided to attend their Sunday school/priesthood/Young Womens and primary meetings. We have a wonderful new friend living with us as of yesterday, and he took them over to the meetings and sat and read a book while he waited to take them home again. Meanwhile, I took the baby and went to a meeting elsewhere that a friend had invited me to a couple of weeks ago. It is called the "Center for Spiritual Living" and is held at a community center in South Salt Lake every Sunday. I chose the meeting that also included a nursery that I could put my child in and enjoy my own meeting child-free. (http://www.spirituallyfree.org)

The main topic of today's sermon was children. He talked about the scripture to be as a little child, and about what that meant to him. He spoke of how we typically think that we are the ones that are supposed to teach children, when in fact it is often children teaching us. He shared the experience of seeing a child that had fallen, who subsequently took a deep breath before putting every amount of effort he had into wailing and expressing his pain. Why don't we do that as adults, putting everything we have into expressing how we really feel? He talked about gratitude, and how the scriptures say we should be grateful in all things (that reminded me of the book "The hiding place", and the author's sister being grateful for the fleas in their barracks in the concentration camp.) He spoke of recognizing that sometimes hard things in our lives are blessings in disguise. He spoke of how all of us influence the lives of children, and are influenced by them, whether we have our own children or not.

He spoke about how some of us might have been brought up with ideas that are damaging to us. He spoke about how nice it would be if all children could grow up knowing their divinity from day one, in classes like they provide to youth here, instead of needing healing later in life from harmful messages that are learned elsewhere. This is something Scott mentions when we discuss my current inner conflict with the church and feeling the pressure to continue raising the children in the church. Look at the struggle I am having. If our children are to continue to accept their dad and our other gay friends and their marriages the way they do now, then eventually they are going to (if not already) have the same types of conflicts and damage that I have from my upbringing in the church. But I learned lots of good things there too, that Scott says we can teach them/are teaching them at home. But that is a lot of pressure to instill in them correct values without the teachings of the church in their classes on Sunday to reinforce them.

On the way there, and during the service I prayed to figure out what God's plan is for me right now. I was tense driving to the meeting, and I didn't know if that was a sign that I should not go, or if it was just because I tend to get nervous when I'm around people I don't know and in situations that I am not familiar with. I tend to think it was just the latter. During the meeting, I was not uncomfortable really, and I didn't regret going today at all, but it didn't feel like where I need to be on a regular basis, if that makes sense. I had some random thoughts during the meeting, that are listed below. Feel free to help me analyze them. :)

• The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true, and no matter where I go, none of my spiritual experiences will every exceed experiences that I have had within the LDS church. That doesn't mean that I think the church is the place for me right now, because I know it is not. I have healing to do, and I need to stay away. But that does not change the fact that I know the gospel is true.
• How great it is that so many people attended this meeting, people that have chosen to be spiritually free from constricting religions, but that still want to have spirituallity and divinity in their lives. At one point the reverend said that there are many paths back to God, and I felt a confirmation that he is right. That God is happy with all that seek Him, no matter where or how they worship. So how does that work with the scripture "Straight is the path and narrow is the way that leads to eternal life"?
• For some reason my mind started pondering on the idea that in the next life, unless we reach the highest level of exhaltaion in the celestial kingdom, that we will only be with people of the same gender. Where did the church get this idea? (I'm sure I've learned it before and just forgotten.) And if it is true, isn't that just a reward for the gays, rather than a lower kingdom? And where do transgender people fit in? Is there another section just for them? So many unanswered questions, if anyone can help me I would appreciate it! I fear though that since I am not going to make it to the highest degree that I am going to be stuck for eternity with a bunch of moody women instead of with my bestest gay friends (no offense girls!)

I have some other blog posts in the works leading up to this one, but this is all I can do for now. :)