I want Scott to be happy.
When he gets stood up or comes home from the club feeling ignored and undesirable, I really do feel sad with him.
But I also have a twinge of hope that he might finally decide that having me desire him is good enough.
When he comes home from a date happy and is excited about a second date or enjoying a chat with someone he likes, I am happy for him. I want to know more. Like roommates in college, I want the nitty gritty details. At least I think I do.
But he says nothing. So then I ask him questions (nothing too personal: what's his name, how old is he, what's his job, etc.), but his answers are short and to the point, which is normal for Scott.
So finally I am brave and say, "Talk to me like I'm your friend instead of your wife-type-person. Do you like him? Does he like you?" And so we start to talk like friends. But then the "I love you and desire you and miss the intimate part of our marriage" side of me--you know, the jealous bitch--kicks in gear, and instead of asking all the questions I thought I wanted to know, I force back signs of emotion (although I'm certain Scott knows me well enough to recognize it), I change the subject, say goodnight and then snuggle my 5 year old while I cry a bit. I'm sure this reaction is totally normal, completely to be expected.
But I want to be better than normal.
I want to want him to be happy.
I really think I do.
But there's this selfish part of me that won't let go, that clings to our patriarchal blessings and to the hope that he might discover the grass isn't necessarily greener and will come back to me.
But then I ask myself why. I think of things about him that drive me crazy, that I would gladly be rid of.
But then I think of all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place, and a lot of them are still part of who he is.
And I don't know what to do.
At least these moments of confusion are fleeting. Life is good. Work is good. Scott is very good to me and the kids. Most of the time we get along great, and as my daughter told my mother, as long as Scott and I are not fighting, life feels pretty normal...
...at least for the kids.
And that's something to be grateful for.
But I wonder if we will ever be able to be just best friends.
4 weeks ago