Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Being me

I want Scott to be happy.

When he gets stood up or comes home from the club feeling ignored and undesirable, I really do feel sad with him.

But I also have a twinge of hope that he might finally decide that having me desire him is good enough.

When he comes home from a date happy and is excited about a second date or enjoying a chat with someone he likes, I am happy for him. I want to know more. Like roommates in college, I want the nitty gritty details. At least I think I do.

But he says nothing. So then I ask him questions (nothing too personal: what's his name, how old is he, what's his job, etc.), but his answers are short and to the point, which is normal for Scott.

So finally I am brave and say, "Talk to me like I'm your friend instead of your wife-type-person. Do you like him? Does he like you?" And so we start to talk like friends. But then the "I love you and desire you and miss the intimate part of our marriage" side of me--you know, the jealous bitch--kicks in gear, and instead of asking all the questions I thought I wanted  to know, I force back signs of emotion (although I'm certain Scott knows me well enough to recognize it), I change the subject, say goodnight and then snuggle my 5 year old while I cry a bit. I'm sure this reaction is totally normal, completely to be expected.

But I want to be better than normal.

I want to want him to be happy.

I really think I do.

But there's this selfish part of me that won't let go, that clings to our patriarchal blessings and to the hope that he might discover the grass isn't necessarily greener and will come back to me.

But then I ask myself why. I think of things about him that drive me crazy, that I would gladly be rid of.

But then I think of all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place, and a lot of them are still part of who he is.

And I don't know what to do.

At least these moments of confusion are fleeting. Life is good. Work is good. Scott is very good to me and the kids. Most of the time we get along great, and as my daughter told my mother, as long as Scott and I are not fighting, life feels pretty normal...

...at least for the kids.

And that's something to be grateful for.

But I wonder if we will ever be able to be just best friends.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

My gosh, I'm certain this is what my wife must be going through. Freakin' Agony for everyone involved!!!!

"Lucky Jake" said...

Sarah, my heart goes out to you. I can detect the same pure love that my wife has for me, with the pure love you show your husband.

I'm not foolish enough to believe that I won't some day experience the same desire to change my life as Scott has, but I pray every day for the humility to understand the need for the Savior and the Atonement in my every day life. I do it because I want to return to our Father in Heaven, and I do it for my wife who I love with such a pure love.

As I read your posts, I put my own wife in your shoes and it truly breaks my heart. My wife is an absolute angel, as I'm sure you are too.

Anonymous said...

Sarah,

I think you will be surprised at what you can handle and what you can't. It may take time to sort out what falls in what camp. And it may take a few tries before you can finally handle what you couldn't before.

In other words, it's great to be supportive of Scott, and I want you to continue being so, but it's also important that you listen to your heart and give yourself time and room to heal and grow stronger.

Give yourself permission to say 'I thought I could deal with (...) but I can't; at least not yet.

Everybody will benefit if you take of yourself; not just you.

Regards,
Philip

tksinclair said...

I just feel that you should also, as part of your healing, begin to think about what your life is going to look like. Without Scott. You can't use this crutch forever. You will not be the wife of a MoHo but an ex wife. What does that look like to you? What will that look like to your kids? Do you want to date Mormon men exclusively? Are their groups at your church for divorced or separated people? Just because their spouses may not be gay doesn't mean they don't have things in common with you. It would be supportive - not "THE" answer of course but a step. Maybe a baby step but still a step. You'll have to take a million of them to walk a mile, trust me. The sooner you start taking them the sooner you'll get to where you're going to end up anyway...does that make sense? Just because you move on won't mean that you aren't the wonderful supportive Sarah you've been. It doesn't mean you give up that identity. In fact maybe you need a new blog about helping people move on. You write so well. You have a way of touching people.

For a gay man to stay in his marriage takes such strength and conviction and determination - FROM THE MAN. You may have it and I think you do but the truth is it's not in your relationship. I know what it takes. I've seen what it takes. It's not going to happen. But that's okay. Maybe, although I know it's impossible for you to imagine right now, there is something so much better out there for you. You don't know it because you've never allowed yourself to imagine it. You've never had to.

My grandmother was married for 50 plus years. When her husband died we never thought she'd find another but you know what? She did. Partially because she wanted to (you have to be open to it) and partially because she deserved it, but so do you. IN fact her second marriage was as good if not better than her first although she would never have believed that possible. Anything is possible. If you maintain your faith and don't allow yourself to get "stuck" you will have a beautiful, fulfilling life for you and your children. It will surpass your wildest imagination if you allow it to.

Sarah said...

Anon #1--wish I knew who you are so I could know more about your situation and talk to your wife. Email me if you are willing.

Lucky Jake, thanks. I like being called an angel. Everyone and their relationships are different. I wish you and your wife the best.

Phillip! So good to hear from you. Thanks for your thoughtful comment, as always. Hope you and your wife are doing well.