Saturday, September 11, 2010

Just Friends?

(I started this post a long time ago, when Scott posted something that prompted the questions. Blogging is difficult because I get an idea in my head, but then I get interrupted by life (children, work, etc.) and by the time I get back to the blog post, I've forgotten what I really wanted to say. Bother.)

 What makes a friend a true friend? And what, exactly, is a best friend? How does someone have or find a best friend? Should someone who is trying to be a best friend with someone else expect certain things, or rather just selflessly accept and give and love?

Is it ever okay for a friend to finally lash out and say how they feel, even if it hurts the other person? Especially when the main intent was to let the friend know that she just wants him to be happy? My reaction backfired, as some of you might have noticed on Scott's blog this week (he has since removed his post and my comment--I had already told him most of it in person, so it was probably inappropriate to write it out on a public forum.) But when I told his little sister (who also has an incredible amount of love for him and wants him to be happy) about what I wrote, she was proud of me for standing up for myself and saying what needed to be said.

Scott and I took a little break from the kids last night to go to dinner.  Scott asked if it would be okay if he ordered a "drink" with dinner. I told him yes, but I was already upset about something else we had just been discussing (some money he spent despite our tight budget), so the tone in my voice did not make my "yes" very believable. And then I followed it with if he did, I would prefer to be the one to drive us back home. In an attempt to smooth things over a little, I realized and shared that if my dinner companion had been a non-member friend from work, I don't think I would have any problem with them ordering a drink, and I didn't know what made the difference...

Why? What does make the difference? How do I accept Scott for who he is now? How do I get past the "Why is he doing this?" and just love and accept him, all of him, like a true friend would? I've always said he was my best friend in addition to my husband. Now I would call him a friend, a roommate, the father of my children. But he says he wants us to be "best friends" and we are definitely not that any more, at least not what I would consider as a best friend.

How do we proceed? How do we get past all of the baggage and truly be best friends again? What do each of us need to do individually to make this happen?


MoHoHawaii said...

I do have a suggestion here and that is patience, on both sides. Over time (perhaps 2 to 3 years) things will mellow out. I know it's a long time from here to there, but I really believe that you guys have what it takes to emerge from this difficult period with your affection and respect for each other intact.

I can't share the details here, but I've actually had an experience in my life that was a bit like what you guys are going through. It took 3 years, but things did eventually get a lot better.

Lane said...

This is actually the only blog that I ever really look at. I find most of the moho blogs annoying and whiny, which is why I actually read this is neither a moho blog and it isn't whiny!

I think that you have suffered so much with all of this. You don't have to be best friends, especially after all you have gone through. I have seen how this whole thing has played out, from an outside perspective, and I think that YOU have been the one who has been put on the "back burner". Sarah, you need to make yourself the center of attention and be selfish for a while! certainly deserve it! I think that you have suffered so much through all of this, and from an outside perspective, you have had to compromise waaaaay too much.

Anyway, that's my opinion on this whole thing. You deserve so much better :)

Devin said...

I suppose I should say something here as well. I am one who is going through a very similar situation that you are both in... being the gay side of the relationship. It is tough to maintain a happy and positive relationship with my ex. We talk every day. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we cry. Most of the time we are asking how the other person is doing and what is going on in their lives.

I hope that we emerge with happiness and great friendship. We won't be best friends. I think that is impossible. I have a best friend now. She has a best friend now. But, we will always be connected, so we are trying to make it good for everyone involved.