Haze

First of all, I am glad to be back.  I need to write, to vent, to explore my feelings. Not on a blog where I have to be anonymous.  Not on a private blog where the audience is limited and uninformed because they can't get the RSS feed. I need to know people are reading and thinking of me and using my words to help in their own lives and situations.  I only hope I can keep my words temple-worthy, and free from anything that would violate the privacy rights of others, especially my students. Anyway, here goes...

Why does it feel like I am stuck in the middle of haze? By haze, I don't mean that I am unhappy all the time, just that I am confused.  I have no idea how I should act or feel or even how I want to act and feel.  I have no idea if I want to keep going to church or not.  I have no idea if Scott and I are happy together or not.  I have no idea what his needs are or how I feel about him trying to meet those needs with a break from church or massage or whatever.  I have no idea if he wants more attention or affection from me or less.  I feel like I want more attention and affection from him, but not as a result of him knowing I want and need it, but just because he wants to give it me, because he loves me. (P.S.  - Sunday evening after I wrote this, even without Scott knowing about it and reading it, he finally opened up to me and we talked like we used to, deep conversation that we haven't done for a while, and he gave me the attention I was wanting.  It was almost like he had read my mind. :)

Three weeks ago was the first time I attended church after Scott proclaimed on his blog that he is done being "stuck." I did not expect him to come to church, but he ended up coming for the sacrament (to support our son passing it for the first time), and then I did not even stay for the meeting when the younger boys started acting up and the talk was making me uncomfortable. The rest of the "block" we were in the Stake President's office, so it was not a normal Sunday.

Then two weeks ago, our family all attended sacrament meeting because we were participating in the Primary program with a family musical number: Scott on piano, my daughter and I on violin, and the kids and I singing. It felt like old times, when I was the chorister or primary president and very involved in the primary program.  Following the program, Scott took our youngest child home with him because he (the child) was sick. Nothing felt any different from a typical Sunday 2 or 3 years ago.

One week ago we were up late with our friends on Halloween, we had company staying with us, I had a bad cold, one child also had cold symptoms, another child woke up early with a stomach virus.  We just all stayed home and had an extremely relaxing day, which was really, really nice. I slept a lot, and did not feel the least bit guilty about church because I was sick.  And because I was sick, I also didn't really care that the healthy members of our family were not there either.

So, today is really the first time since Scott's decision (to take a break for a while) that it was what I can probably come to expect from a "normal" Sunday.  The kids and I all went to church while Scott stayed home.  The children were well behaved, the talks were benign (and maybe even inspirational regarding the need and power of prayer in our lives.) I felt like I was where I should be, except that someone was missing,  As I started to sing each hymn during the meeting, I stopped during the first verse of each song, tears welling up in my eyes as I missed the warmth of Scott beside me (even though I was plenty warm from children beside me and leaning on me) and the sound of his gorgeous bass voice singing in harmony with my own.

During the meeting, I also thought about my son's upcoming Temple recommend interview this afternoon, and how I hope that I will hear from the Stake President soon regarding my own recommend, so that I can maybe take him myself to do the baptisms for the two male family members that my mom gave me the cards for yesterday.

I thought about the temple, about the ceremonies that I have not been able to participate in for a while, and my desire to be there, to hear the familiar words.  I felt again like I consider myself worthy to be there, that even though I associate with and sympathize groups of people that are angry with the church right now, I don't feel like it crosses the line.  Maybe it is close, but not across. There have been moments over the past 2 months that I have been bitter with the whole situation, and have truly felt unworthy.  I don't feel that way at the moment and I hope that sometime soon a decision will be made that will allow me to go. Meanwhile, I am trying to be patient, trying to become more worthy in heart and mind to be there, and seeking more opportunities at home to feel the spirit.

I enjoyed the meetings at church, I enjoyed the lessons and the friends that I have there and the conference issue of the Ensign that I began reading between Sunday School and Relief Society.  But I was sad, and in a haze, going through the motions, even feeling the spirit, but not knowing what the future brings for me, my family, Scott, church attendance, etc.

There are other things going on that add to this haze, other things that I am not sure about...but that will have to wait for a future blog post, when I am ready to post about them...