Monday, January 5, 2009

Dear Beloved Husband,

I love you. I often feel I don't deserve you. You are so good to me.

But sometimes you need to stop trying so hard to make up for what you can't be.

Sometimes you need to stop trying to convince me that the wound isn't there, or stop trying to bandage the wound or heal the wound.

Just let it be.

And hold me while I let it hurt.

I have my ups and downs, and when I go down, I don't do it half-way. Be it hormones or tiredness or disappointment that start me spiraling downward, or worse yet, all of the above. I know it must be frustrating and you must feel helpless, but when you let your exasperation show through, it makes it worse.

Please just hold me and let me cry. Don't try to convince me I have no reason to cry. Don't try to help me stop crying. Don't tell me what to do or what not to do. Just hold me. Let me rattle off all my frustrations whether they seem rational or not. Let me sob, my body shaking with each breath I take. Let me cry. Cry with me if you want to.

And if you can't handle my tears, then tell me you love me and go in another room to sigh and raise your voice. Write me a letter to tell me how frustrated you are with my inconsolable and ridiculous tears. Then tear it up and write me a letter to tell me how much you love and appreciate me. Don't just let me find out by reading a comment about myself on someone else's blog. I need validation directly, at least a little more often than I get it.

Maybe you need the same from me.

When you need your turn to vent or your turn for me to just hold you, I will try to be there for you, but don't try to do it when I can't handle it. Let me have MY moment to hurt.

I am tempted to message you anonymously through your chat window to see if I can get more compassionate understanding from you there. :) I'm sorry for this idea. I know that you love your new friends so much and you get such a great internal lift when you are able to be there for them any time through any situation. I admire you for this great calling that you have taken upon yourself. I really do, and your friends have become my friends, and I am grateful for the opportunity to serve with you. They each fill an important place in my heart.

But I am selfish, and I want a bigger piece of this incredible compassion that I see you have for others for myself as well.

Maybe it is wrong of me to put this on a public forum for all to read. I love you so much and I don't want to hurt you. You are truly so incredible.

But keeping these words to myself might also be selfish. Perhaps one of my readers needs to see my sporadic anguish. Perhaps one of my readers can let their feelings gush out with mine as they read my words, perhaps relating to their own situations. I hope you can understand why I posted this and forgive me for it.

I love you.

Just hold me.

And let me cry.


Anonymous said...

I love this because it proves one thing. Gay men are not really women in men's bodies (as some would claim). They are obviously men, because what you are describing is the way a man handles a situation where the woman is crying, or out of sorts and he can only focus on his desire to FIX IT!! Women are emoters and men are fixers. They have to be trained, usually over many years, to allow us women to emote and for them to just support us in that. We aren't asking anything of them. We just want to be heard and held. Men...are you all getting this?

Sarah...just know that there are millions of women in the world who know exactly what you are talking about.

Much love,

Scott said...

Gay men are not really women in men's bodies (as some would claim). They are obviously men...

Yup... We're still from Mars, we just have a thing for Martians. :)

FWIW, I think I'm getting better at not trying to fix things. Sarah might not always agree... (she wouldn't have the other night, I'm sure). I am trying, though. :/

Anonymous said...

Sarah, I have stumbled on your blog and Scott's blog and I have so much empathy for what you are going through. I honestly don't know how you are doing any of this. I feel your pain.

Amigakitty said...


I just read this blog and feel like I wrote it. Thank you for sharing your experiences so I do not feel so alone.