Tonight, Scott and I, along with our 2 oldest children, attended the Mormon Tabernacle Choir concert with The Utah Symphony, guest conductor and 2 soloists. It was a very enjoyable event.
One of the soloists was Brian Stokes Mitchell, best known as a musical theater performer. He has an incredible baritone voice. He started with the National Anthem, then shortly thereafter performed some very romantic songs, starting with "Some Enchanted Evening" from South Pacific and then a medley of songs from the 30's and 40's. I really enjoyed listening to the sound of his voice, and then my mind began to wander as I remembered that Scott's singing voice was one of the things I was most attracted to.
...We were in our high school madrigal choir together. While we were dating, one of my favorite activities with him was making chocolate chip cookies and then sitting at the piano, he playing one clef of the music while I played the other. We would sing and sing. Our favorites included songs from The Children's Songbook (especially the duets, like "A Child's Prayer" or my personal favorite "Love is Spoken Here." As we sang, I dreamed of us someday being that mother and father together that we sang about, having our spiritual home with wonderful children. Hmm. Dreams do come true.) Other favorites included songs from Phantom of the Opera and Aladdin. (Of course, the romantic duets were the best.) And then I loved to hear him sing to me. He has an incredible bass voice.
One of my favorite Christmas songs has always been "Oh Come oh Come Emanuel." Since age 17, it has had additional meaning for me as a group of guys came singing it to me at my house, Scott coming forward with a rose and singing "Oh come with me to the Christmas Dance." I fell hopelessly in love with him over the next few months and was charmed by how romantic and sensitive and caring he was. He treated me like a princess.
I was always more attached to him than he to me. I thought I would go crazy when I left for college. I missed him so much, and when I came home for the weekend and he knew I was coming home and then he didn't call me, I wondered why he wasn't as attached to me as I was to him.
While he was on his mission, I was pathetic. I couldn't stop talking about him to everyone I knew. The drama department performed the musical Man of LAMancha and there is a kind of annoying song that some girls sing "I'm only thinking of him, I'm only thinking of him." My roommates and friends immediately decided that was my theme song, because Scott was all I ever thought about, it seemed.
....so here are my memories as I am listening to that beautiful baritone voice tonight, singing of all things, happy love songs. (And later, "The Impossible Dream" from Man of LAMancha). Tears began to roll down my face as I remember again that all of those years we were dating, that we have been married so far, that my feelings of love for Scott were different than his for me. I was/am hopelessly in love, with all the feelings and attractions and desire for physical contact that come with that. Now I realize that I don't really know how he was feeling. I knew he liked me and I know he loves me, but just how different is it for him? Has our entire relationship for all these years been a sham of sorts? And more importantly, are his feelings for me enough to keep him with me for the rest of our lives?
So, during the concert, he realizes at some point that I had tears rolling down my face during these happy songs, and I am sure he knows they are not tears of joy. He instantly reaches for me to comfort me and let me know of his love.
But ultimately, will it be enough?
I pray it will be. I cannot imagine my life without him.
And if it is enough, how do I keep my mind from wandering to my fears? How do I learn to enjoy romantic movies and romantic songs again without analyzing my own love life? Has my life, including what I think and what I enjoy, changed forever, or will I get it back someday the way it was? I don't think it will ever be the same again, but I hope that I can get past this "phase" or whatever it is and find joy in some of these things again.
Lastly, how do I get out of this mode of depression that I've let myself sink into this week?
4 weeks ago